Pathetic or Kind?

It's weird. Sometimes I don't know if I'm extremely pathetic, or extremely kind. I often give off this tough outer shell image to people; very few actually know how big a softie I am at the end of the day. The person who knows me best in the world is probably my ex (sad but true). I often wonder if he does things just to manipulate my soft side, or if he's being honest and sincere when he speaks to me. Either way, every time I communicate with him, I feel bad for something or another and it leaves me wondering if I'm extremely pathetic, or just extremely kind. Either way, I wish I weren't like this, it really does just complicate things for me, and I feel like it slows down my healing process.

I'm not going to get into the complications of the marriage, or the events that led up to my leaving, but let's just say that it wasn't easy. He was horrible to me, and I don't know if I'll ever get past it. That being said, I still feel sorry for him (I know- What am I? A sucker?). I spoke to him earlier tonight about the children's hockey schedule, and he sounded kind of down, and this made me feel bad for him. He has the crappiest family on the planet, so they are not really much support for him. Our mutual friends have mostly stuck by me throughout everything (no, we did not ask them to side, nor did I really want it to turn out this way), but their decision to "choose" between us has really left him quite isolated. That makes me feel sorry for him. Everyone needs to have a community, or a social network, and this guy is just on his own. I keep telling myself he's on his own because he chooses to be, it's not like he can't go out and mingle...But still, I do feel bad for him.

That brings me to my next question....Is this normal? Is it normal to want to see him happy? Is it normal for me to wish him well and want him to move on and make the best of it, or is that just pathetic of me to still care for his well being, despite the hell he put me through? I keep hoping that this is just me being kind; I mean he is after all, the father of my children. But then this other nagging feeling says- yeah, but given what you went through right to the end, this is really pathetic. Forget him and never look back.

I'm really not the vengeful type. I mean, I'm sure I can be, but I don't know- it kind of feels like a real waste of energy. At the same time, while I don't want to be vengeful, and I do want to be kind and forgiving, I don't want to continually be a doormat either. So where is the balance, especially when you share two children?

I also feel bad because he keeps asking if I've met anyone else. Well, we're not divorced yet, so even if I had, it wouldn't really evolve into anything, and he should know that. At the same time, I know why he's asking. He's hoping I will change my mind and reconcile. That's kind of unfair given what I've been through, but I still feel bad knowing where he's at. It also kind of freaks me out. It tells me that with his super-stalker mentality, and with him living just around the corner from here, I don't really know what moving on will be like, or even more scary, whether he will ever let me move on and be happy. He's got a bit of the "I can't live without you, and I won't let you live without me" mentality going on. I know, very scary. Don't start....Trust me. I know what I'm up against.

This whole thing would have been much easier if he would just move on. I wish he would meet someone and file divorce papers. I wish he would meet friends and go out and have a social life. I wish his family could grow up and start acting like a family, instead of being strangers to him. I wish I could have a clear conscience so I could move on.

How long after a separation does it take to move on and start over? What does it take to heal, and how can we speed the process along? I wish I had a magic crystal ball that would tell me for sure that everything will be ok; for me, my ex, but most of all for these two beautiful children who didn't ask for any of this, but got the worst deal of all. Since I don't have a crystal ball, I'm going to have to wait and see, just like the rest of the world does. The path to healing is not an easy one. Its really tough, and it leaves you wondering if one day you will look back and be thankful you made the choices that you did.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not debating my decision, I'm just praying to God that I won't regret it one day. My friend says that path that always haunts you is the path not taken. This is so true, and I totally understand why. I just want to know when the "haunting" will end, and when I will get a clean break.

Actually, my REAL fear is that the haunting never ends, and that the break will never be a clean one....But here's to hoping.