When it Rains, it Pours

I am absolutely exhausted. This was a totally draining day. Now that I've already started the process, I can document what has happened.

On Saturday night, my son had an emotional breakdown. The next day, when he woke up, my son and my daughter basically started to open up about their father's temperament. They revealed that they have been abused in the past, and that he scares them today and that they are still very much afraid of him. They described specific instances of abuse; the yelling, the threats, the various different forms of punishment, but I could tell that they were still holding back and not fully comfortable talking to me.

I didn't want to push them, and besides all that, I had heard enough to know what I needed to do. I had promised myself that my children would never have to suffer the way I suffered, and at the moment, I feel horrible that I haven't been able to do enough to protect them. But then again, I didn't have much of a choice. My ex did, after all, have joint custody, and I was told time and time again that the authorities couldn't do anything to intervene until he did something out of line.

Well, here you have it. Is this out of line enough for everyone? This was my biggest fear and now I'm having to live it.

This morning, I dropped my children off at school, told my daughter's school about what had transpired over the weekend, and that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES was their father to pick her up from school. As I left, my daughter started crying and clinging to my leg, something that she never does, and I'm told that she later told the teachers that she was afraid her father would come to pick her up before I got there. The teachers reassured her that even if her father did show up, they would not let him take her home.

Isn't that shocking? Months go by without a word about their father, no mention of what he was doing, and now when they start talking, it all comes out at once. When it rains, it pours.

When I got to the parking lot of my daughter's school, I made the call. This was the call that I had nightmares about, the call that I feared that I would one day have to make. But really, what other choice did I have?

I called the Children's Aid Society, and spoke to a case worker, and gave a full report on my weekend, on what the children had told me, about my fears, about the history, basically everything. Their answer- they would most definitely be launching an investigation, and that I should expect to hear from a case worker in about 7 days. Yeah, you got it - 7 DAYS! That is a long time to wait, but she did explain that it was taking that long because there are many cases in the queue, and because the children reside with me, they weren't in any immediate harm. They did advise that they would want to speak to the children's schools and doctor, and I told them that they had my full approval to do so. One good thing- they did say that if any of my story checked out in their investigation, they would be court ordering therapy for the kids. Good. That's just what I wanted. I knew something was wrong before. I just couldn't prove it.

Anyhow, after that, I went to the courthouse to file an ex-party motion for emergency custody and a restraining order, and a new date to re-open the custody and access arrangements. I have to stay in Mississauga tomorrow to find out if it gets granted. If it does, I have to go back, pick up the court orders and hand them out at the schools, and talk to the schools about what has happened. If it gets granted, I will have about a month or two of sole custody and he will not have visitation or access to the children during that time. In addition, the restraining order will protect me, should he start harassing or stalking me again.

On the other hand, if it doesn't get granted, then I would seriously fear for my safety, especially once he finds out that I contacted the CAS. He will be totally enraged, and I know he will come looking for me. Let's hope this doesn't happen, and that the restraining order is granted.

Next, at 6pm today, I took my son to the doctors so that someone could at least check on his emotional well being. The doctor was very concerned about him, and told me he was afraid that this would one day happen. He knew my ex, and he knew how unstable he was. My doctor spoke to my son, asked a few questions, and my son started spilling the whole story, the abuse, the temper etc.

Like I said....when it rains it pours. Everything is coming out at once. I'm going to need serious therapy after this myself!

By 7pm, we were all tired, so I took the kids out for burgers at a local restaurant, brought them home for their bedtime routine, and tucked them in. OK- I tucked them into my bed. Hell if they are sleeping far from me tonight. I don't think they want to sleep alone, and truthfully, I want to keep them close by.

Children are so innocent. They don't deserve any of this. I just hope I have the strength to help them get through this. I married the wrong guy, and now they are paying the price. My goal for the next two weeks- focus on the children's mental well being, and make sure that I help them get over this hurdle.

As for tomorrow, well, I have to check on the court order, call my doctor again for some follow up stuff, call the CAS for an update, and speak to my son's school. All in a days work. To top it off, my daughter is going through massive separation anxiety and is refusing to go to school. I think I'll keep her home, just to help her calm down. It will be another day not in the office. I'll try to work from home, but honestly, I'm thinking maybe I should just consider taking a few weeks off at this point.

I'll make that decison tomorrow.

A Horrific Experience

Just when you think things can't get worse....just when you think you **might** be able to manage through everything, life throws you an unexpected curve ball.

I've never seen anything as scary as what I experienced this weekend. Hands down. Never. I created a word doc so I that I never forget what I saw. It isn't every day you witness your own child having a total complete emotional breakdown. For 4 hours. Uncontrollably, and almost to the point of seizures.

There are days when you look at things and wonder what the heck you're doing, where you wonder if your decisions were worth it in the end. This is one of those days.

Needless to say, tomorrow will be one hell of a whirlwind for me. It will consist of me, running around, trying to get my ducks in a row to make sure that my children are emotionally and physically safe moving forward, and making sure that my ass of an ex is accountable once and for all for his actions. I won't be able to go to the office tomorrow, and I'm not sure when I'll be in again next. It all depends on what I'm told tomorrow.

The stories I heard from my son this morning (the morning after his breakdown) were scary for me. They were things I've experienced. I know the fear well. I lived it for many years. But there was always one golden rule. Never the children. Don't touch the children, don't scare the children, don't hurt the children. I left my ex to uphold that rule. I'll be damned if he walks all over it.

The justice system has failed us thus far. Let's hope it has some teeth this time.

Blogger is Seriously Messed up

It keeps adding line breaks and font changes to the stuff I'm posting. Someone needs to show me how to switch to wordpress. That leaves my friend S, or Dan :)

End of Rant.

Sold to the McFlurry Guy

Today is Friday, which means I get to work from home. I had alot of conference calls, a very busy day. By early afternoon, I realized that I hadn't eaten a bite. I had the idea of picking up my daughter early and taking her out to lunch, and then taking her back to daycare. (Oh come on, it's just daycare, and at the end of the day, she missed lunch and nap time-big deal!).

We had a nice time, and she was thrilled at the idea of getting a special lunch with Mommy. I had a really nice time too, it was great to spend some quality one on one time with her. We went to a Hakka Chinese restaurant. We giggled away as we ate lunch. There was a little water fountain with plastic frogs just next to us. My daughter asked that if I kissed the frog would it turn into a prince. I asked her to give it a try. She laughed and said what if it turns into a nasty prince, a yucky one that nobody would want? I said "Well, you can kiss him a second time and turn him back into a frog". She responded with "Eeeew! Who would kiss a nasty prince? If he's nasty, you kiss him!"

Ha! My daughter a master planner at the age of 5! I love it!

After lunch we went through the McDonald's drive thru for a McFlurry. The guy at window #1 was in an especially jokey mood today, and as we drove away, my daughter said "Mommy, he's nice, and he sells ice cream. Why don't you marry him?"

Um- because he's the McDonald's McFlurry guy. Nice...my daughter just traded me for a McFlurry. I wonder why she is so keen on marrying me off? I feel like it's reverse arranged marriage here. My daughter is finding suitors for her mom. Something is seriously messed up.

Anyhow, I spent the afternoon plugging away at work. Why is it that email never goes away? No matter how many you answer, the inbox always stays full. Anyhow, at 5pm, I got one from my ex's lawyer. What an ass. It's a one liner. Here's what it said:


We are writing to inform you that your ex husband is in the process of engaging the services of a mediator to mediate the issue of therapy and counseling for the children.

OK- So what the heck? I mean, seriously...it took you two weeks to tell me that you're going to START looking for a mediator? When will you have one? In two months? We'll be back at the beginning of the list by then. Ass.

Anyhow, I basically replied telling him that it was not acceptable to waste two weeks and then tell me this. And that I would need an exact date by which this mediator will contact me. Let's see what he says.

My ex is the biggest jerk from hell. He could give the devil himself a run for his money.

My Mom is the Sad One...

What a day. I feel like I haven't slept in an eternity. I had meetings downtown at another office today. Everything has been building up emotionally again. This happens to me from time to time. Obviously, I haven't got my own coping mechanisms right, and I continue to work on those. THANK GOD that I ran into a good friend in one of my morning HR sessions today. We went for a coffee and I got a chance to vent (OK and cry). I cannot believe how much is building up. I feel like this emotional time bomb ready to explode....again.

Then, on my way to my 2:00pm meeting, I was checking my blackberry, and saw a note from my son's teacher. The note lead me to cancel my meeting, and all other meetings for the afternoon. I got to my car and drove like a maniac, making it to the school by 3pm, just in time to meet my son's teacher.

The note basically said that he wasn't sure what was happening to my son, but that there is a definite change in behaviour. That he doesn't want to work, that he is constantly making excuses, and that he basically looks as if he's given up. Given up on work, given up on trying, given up on himself. The teacher wanted to make me aware of the situation, and ask if anything has changed in such a way that my son's behaviour would be impacted.

When I got to the school, I met with the teacher. I told him about my ex's wedding. He said that my son never mentioned it. This is odd, because he usually tells everyone everything. Anyhow, he said that he will continue to encourage him, and that he would like me to do the same. "Your son is going through way too much for a seven year old. We really need to help him through". I know honey. Trust me, I know.

I told him that I had tried to put my son in therapy, but that my ex had refused to consent. He understood my predicament, but agreed that therapy was the best option for him. I told him that I already spoke to the school principal and have arranged for the school social worker to give me a call. (I'm really hoping to find a loophole somewhere such that I can get some sort of therapy without Mr. Jerko's consent)...anyhow, let's see how that goes.

He said he would continue to work with me, so that's the good news. I mentioned to him that my ex is bipolar and asked if I had told him this before. He said that no, I hadn't told him, but that he did hear about it (probably from the principal or last year's teacher I'm guessing). Anyhow, every now and then, when my son gets really frustrated, he talks/confides in one of his teachers from last year. Apparently, when the teacher asked him what his family was like, he said "My dad is the angry one. My mom is the sad one". Sad one indeed. I started crying when he told me that. Right there, in front of the teacher. I am so embarrassed.

Anyhow, I never really thought of myself as the sad one. Frustrated yes, fed up yes, emotional yes. Odd that he perceives me as sad. I would agree that I'm sad at times, but ... well, it would certainly explain why he is so very protective of me. But no child should have to take a parental role for their parents. Ever.

This is such a mess. And it is all my ex's fault. Damn him for refusing to allow the therapy sessions. He doesn't even care for his own children's well being. What a selfish, manipulative, cruel asshole.

No to Therapy

I finally got the children a chance to see a child therapist. I thought it would help them deal with everything. They are, after all, dealing with the divorce, their dad's new marriage, and the fact that their father is a psycho jerk. Here is the good news. The waiting list is months for the therapy, and they could have been seen in 2 weeks. Here is the bad news. I need my ex's consent to take them to therapy (since we have joint custody), and he has refused to allow me to take them to a therapist. He's such a jerk. So now what the hell do I do?

I feel like my hands are tied. I work like a dog all day at a job that, well, let's not go there, and I come home to feed, clothe, and put them to bed, pack lunches, dress them in the morning, and at the end of it all, I don't even have the God dammed authority to take them to a therapist. I'm not a mother. I'm a nanny. I'm hating this. I'm so infuriated I can't even concentrate. What THE HELL kind of situation is this?

So - to summarize, I get to work my ass off, he gets to have fun time, and I can't make any parental decisions because the man who refuses medication and therapy for himself refuses it for the children? Yeah, this is real justice people. This system doesn't take care of the children. It takes care of their father. It gives him rights beyond what he should be entitled to. It gives him a ticket to terrorize and stalk me as long as he doesn't go as far as to kill me. It allows him to show up on my property, peek through my windows, refuse to bring the children home on a Sunday, refuse therapy for the children, refuse to do their homework with them, to bathe them, to do any parental duties, yet he can call himself a father, and I- the one who works her ass off, I cannot even help my children when I see what I consider something to be a justifiable need for their mental well being.

Why do I even bother? I SO want to give up. I have been stressing and crying on this one for 3 days now. I hate this. I cannot do this anymore. It's been 3 years of hell, and I've had enough.

This joint custody arrangement is not working out, and I don't seem to see any way out. He should be in a mental institution. That would be justice.

The system here in Canada totally sucks.

Taking it Easy

I'm home on my own today. The children are with their father this weekend, which gives me a weekend to myself. Usually these are the weekends where I visit NY, but my friend is away on an extended business trip, which means I'm on my own. Not that I mind. I haven't had this kind of downtime in a very very long time.

It's funny how our bodies have the ability to respond to our environment and personal circumstances. I have a gi-normous "To do" list. I have a ton of errands to get through. But today, the one day I have to myself, I wake up dizzy, tired and lethargic. I feel like I want to sleep the whole day. It's like my body is re-claiming what it feels it is rightfully owed. Like it wants to cash in on all the sleep and rest that it's been losing all those weeks and months that I've been pushing it far beyond its capacity.

I had plans with friends, and errands, and none of them will be a "go". I was half grateful when my friend (who is also a single mom) called to cancel our dinner plans for tonight. All I could think of when she called me is 'that's OK, now I can curl up in bed and do nothing'. Isn't it odd how things turn out?

I'm going to take it easy today. Today will be my marathon movie-and-book-reading day. It actually sounds like a treat, and is VERY out of character for me. That's probably half the problem, now isn't it?

I'm going to change back into my pajamas, and watch the movie. Pajamas are a MUST for a day like this.

The Things we Take for Granted

My cleaning lady was over tonight. She came at 6:30, she's spending 4 hours, and then she's done. It's a small house, so it doesn't take long I guess. Well, not long for her. If it were me cleaning, I'd be at it all day.

Anyhow, we often take so much for granted. I guess the children were both in a particularly defiant mood tonight. I had to call them a hundred times to get them to do anything. I called them about 7 times before they came down for dinner, and then I had to nag them to eat, nag them to change, basically I had to be on them all night to get them to stick to any semblance of a schedule. Had it not been for my constant nagging, homework would never have been completed tonight. It tired me out, and was quite frustrating too. These are the nights where you turn to God and say "Come on! Isn't life already tough enough? Cut me some slack here! Just make it easy for me for one day. Just ONE day!"

Anyhow, I just came downstairs, the children are now asleep- they have been for a bit (it's 10 pm), and I'm here in the family room, on my laptop while she finishes off the final touches on the kitchen. She just turned to me and said "You're very blessed. Your children are very smart".

"Pardon me?"

"They're very smart. As in intelligent. I was talking to them while I was upstairs cleaning. It's refreshing to talk to healthy, intelligent children. I work as an aid to disabled and autistic children all day. It gets tiring sometimes, and sometimes depressing. It was nice talking to your children. They're very pleasant, and very intelligent".

"Oh. I see. Right....Well, thank you".

I swear to God- I'll never complain about them again. I feel so guilty for even asking Him to make life easier.

Sometimes all you need is a little reminder of how easy things really are, or of how much worse they could have been. Imagine being a single mom to an autistic child, or a disabled child. That would be a hundred times more draining and complicated. I really am blessed.

I feel like such an ingrate.

Happy Valentine's/Snow Day!

Happy Valentine's Day! OK- and Happy Snow Day! It's a rare day when Peel District Public schools are closed. They are usually open no matter what. Luckily, a colleague at the office reminded me to take all my work home just in case we got snowed in today. He lives in Burlington, so he knew he would be snowed in, but he knew that it might end up being equally difficult for me. He was right.

It's kind of neat...I got a Valentine's delivery of flowers. Two dozen long stemmed pink roses. One dozen in an arrangement, and one dozen boxed. Pink is my favourite colour. My house is now filled with flowers. I got roses from two friends on my birthday, tulips from another friend, the floral cake arrangement on my birthday, and now two dozen roses. I love flowers.

I spent the morning making a huge breakfast with the children. It was like Sunday brunch. I'm working from home today, and I'm getting some work done, but to be honest, it's tougher to get work done with two kids at home. One kid is manageable. Two kids means alot of refereeing. They're reading books right now, and I'm working on stuff, and then later on I'll let them watch some TV, and do homework.

My kids are disappointed to miss Valentine's Day. They wanted to give out their cards. I must have the only kids on the planet who actually wanted to go to school today. When I reassured them that they would probably celebrate it tomorrow, then they were satisfied to be at home. :)

Now...back to work.

OH PULL-EASE

Have I mentioned that I cannot stand my ex? Pure drama. He's a nutcase.

He called tonight to speak to the children. After speaking to our son, he asked to speak to me. We started off talking about how all this hostility is not good for the children. How it's emotionally hard for them to have to witness their parents infighting like this. So we agreed. Then I realized that his wife was on the phone. On the other extention. Listening to our conversation. Nice.

Then he went on to say that he overheard that one of my friends told one of his wife's friends that I left him because he was abusive. I was silent. I know she's on the phone, so now what? Do I tell him 'that's cuz you were', or do I stay silent? And then I decided...no more silence. After all, it's not like I'm supposed to know that she's sitting there listening in. So I said it. I told him that I have advised my friends not to bad mouth him, but that a few did know the truth, and what did he expect? After all, he was abusive, and that was one of the main reasons why I left the marriage. His reply "well, that's your slant on things".

WHAAAAAAT? No way. This is too much. You bring it up and then expect me to accept that it never happened? I don't think so. I didn't go through a year of therapy for nothing.

Then I let him have it. Hell ya you were abusive, and I have hospital records and doctors files to show it. And yeah, remember all those black eyes? Well I didn't imagine them. Remember your handwritten apology letter where you admitted the abuse? Yeah, I still have it. Hell ya. And don't tell me I'm making it up. Go to hell. You started this conversation, trying to act like it never happened. As if I would ever tolerate that.

Then I heard a slam. Either the phone slamming, or a door slamming. Oh look who's not impressed. Must be your wifie. I guess someone is sleeping on the couch tonight.

Serves you right. Dumbass.

35 Things to be Grateful for

In honour of my 35th, I thought I'd list the 35 things that I'm most grateful for. They are:

1. My health.
   
2. My children's health.
   
3. My children.
4. The fact that my children still find comfort in a hug from their mom (a hug can still make everything better for them).
5. My home- I LOVE this place!
   
6. A job that allows me to pay my bills (even if it's not always what I want it to be).
7. A job that allows me to have a flexible schedule, so I can be a single parent, guilt free, including when my children are sick.
   
8. Awesome family that is supportive of all my decisions, even if they should feel I'm making a mistake.
   
9. Amazing friends, the best anyone could wish for in the whole world.
10. The fact that the colleagues around me at work are so close to me that I can trust them with my best side, my worst side, my errors, without ever feeling threatened for even one second.
    
11. An awesome certain someone who doesn't like to see me down.
12. An education.
13. Clothing for my children and I.
    
14. The opportunity to have experienced a loving relationship once in my life (even if it never goes anywhere, it was worth it!)
    
15. Being told by many people that I'm worth more than I think.
16. Having children who tell me how special I am, and don't take me for granted.
    
17. Having had the opportunity to experience childbirth and motherhood (yes, I'm serious).
18. An alarm system that helps me sleep peacefully at night.
19. That when my aunt died I was able to look at her life as an abused woman and learn from it. And here I am. I have her to thank, as her death and the tragedy around it changed my life forever, in more ways than anyone will ever know.
20. Long walks in Central Park...
21. Long walks along the lake shore...
22. My memories, both the good and the bad. The good keep me smiling. The bad remind me never to go back.
23. The ability to feel attractive, despite my many imperfections. This is new for me, but I'm glad it's happening.
    
24. That I made it through a neurological attack 3 years ago, and haven't had a relapse of any kind (Thank you God!)
    
25. That I made it through a divorce without losing myself. I'm not cruel, evil, bitter, or full of hate. Frustrated yes, but I haven't lost my integrity.
26. That I can still get a compliment from a complete stranger out of the blue without fishing for one ;)
    
27. Sushi (Yum. It's my drug!)
28. My burberry handbag. It has sentimental value and it's cute :)
29. Really colourful sunsets (I actually stop to watch them when I see them....these are rare, so when they happen, they are a gift)
30. Long distance telephone calls :)
    
31. A day at the spa.
32. A good massage.
33. Strappy high heel sandals.
34. My diary- on my worst days, I still have to write there...
35. This blog- believe it or not, it's been therapeutic.
    

Mid Thirties

Well...today (Feb 9th) puts me at 35. And you know what? I think I'm doing OK. At 35, I've finally (almost) cleaned up the mess of a marriage, I've got my own home, a job that pays the bills (well, that needs a bit of change, but everything happens as it should), two beautiful children, lots of awesome friends, great parents, and a really special someone as well. I can't complain. I've been reminded of that over and over again for the past few days, so it's starting to get ingrained...thank God.

My day was hectic today. Lots of office work etc. By 4pm, I realized that I didn't even have breakfast, so I had to grab a quick bite. At 4:30 the doorbell rang, and lo and behold, a package from a friend in NY :) Well, OK flowers. Well, to be specific, a birthday cake made out of flowers, a cute teddy bear, balloons, and some chocolates. That is a nice way to make someone feel special when you can't be there in person :)

Anyhow, this evening, a bunch of friends went out for dinner. We had a nice time. There was about 18 of us. It was nice to get out, to laugh, to spend time with everyone. I miss them all so much. Life is so busy that we never get a chance to get together. I'm glad they made the time to celebrate my birthday with me tonight.

I got an email from my ex denying his wife's pregnancy. (Big surprise there). We'll just have to wait and see what happens in about 7 months. He basically said that he made a mistake marrying the wrong girl with me, and he wouldn't be stupid to marry for the wrong reasons again. Yeah, thanks buddy. More like the other way around. I have the emails to prove it.

Anyhow, enough about him. My house looks lovely. There are flowers everywhere. I have bunches of flowers that were birthday gifts from friends this evening, and the flower cake as well. I love flowers. They make me happy :)

Well, like I said. Mid thirties. I'm feeling totally OK with that. In fact, I'm better off now than I ever was in my life. Things to be grateful for I suppose.

Remember, 2007 will be YOUR YEAR

That's right. I did say that. And, I still believe it. Something inside me knows that this will be a good year for me. Even if it's started off badly. Badly because well, work is not all that enjoyable, I'm not that happy around the kids and their response to things, (actually, I'm feeling a bit threatened), and the guy that I've been seeing for 8 months lives so far away that we barely get to see each other. It's all too weird. But I know it will get better.

I turn 35 tomorrow. I'm told that according to some astrologers, life and luck renews itself or changes every 7 years. 35 will mark a new 7 year cycle. Since the last 7 were definitely not great, I'm hoping the next 7 will be good. Let's wait and see.

I've noticed lately that my son has been getting angry alot. He gets frustrated and can't find the words to deal with things. This is not the little boy I knew. Mich and Rich have been pointing it out. A few weekends ago, when my office friend came over to stay, she noticed the change in him as well. I've been seeing it too. Then there is school. His teacher says he doesn't seem motivated, that he has moments where he's just so emotional that it's hard to bring him back, but that he's definitely trying. Then today, Mich went to pick up my son from Tae-Kwan-Do, and the instructor advised her that he wanted to speak to me. My mom has been going every day to pick him up, because of my long nights at the office, and today I sent Mich to do it. Apparently, he's becoming very disruptive and emotional and disrespectful to the point that the instructor isn't sure what to do.

I feel so disappointed. I mean, I don't know what to do. My son acts like he's OK, but if you step back, this is ALOT of change for a little 7 year old boy. It must be taking a toll on him. I'm not surprised. I mean, I'm sure it's taking a toll on ME, and I'm an adult.

I think I need to start considering therapy for him. I want to make sure that he's doing OK. This is NOT what I wanted. I didn't file for divorce to screw up my kids. I just....wanted things to be better.

Either way, I'm going to try to be responsible, and ensure that I do everything I can to help things stabilize for my family. I want to make sure that my children are OK. They are, after all, my responsibility, and pretty much all I have left.

Pregnant

And then there were three...

I got an email today from a girlfriend who wanted to pass on a little tidbit of information...apparently, my ex's wife is pregnant. So, let's see, the wedding was Saturday, and today is Wednesday, so she must have conceived and found out that she was pregnant in like, 4 days. That MUST be a world record. Having been pregnant twice before, I can honestly say that it takes several weeks before you can know that you're pregnant.

So hmmm. They met in December, and three weeks ago (mid January) they announced their engagement. They got married two weeks after the announcement. He moved in with her in January. So she must have gotten pregnant like right after their first date or something. What morons. Have you NEVER heard of condoms? If you're going to do this, could you not have made a trip to the drugstore first? And if you went through the effort of getting married, well, couldn't you have at least kept your mouth shut so that people might think that it happened on your wedding night? (These are after all Pakistani Muslims, the backlash of our community is HUGE for this type of thing).

Morons.

Anyhow, I took the liberty of congratulating my ex. I sent him a text message that read "Congrats. I hear that you and Fatima are expecting your first child".

He didn't reply. I wonder why?

BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I love being mean. Serves him right. I KNEW there had to be a good reason for the rushed wedding.

Directionless

I got home at 9pm again today. Left the office just after 7:30pm. I'm really starting to hate this. I'm feeling overworked, undervalued, underpaid, and basically directionless at the moment. Re-orgs suck. Big time.

It's funny. I was talking to my dad yesterday and I told him about how crappy and weird things have become at the office. He was in shock. "Weren't you the one who was saying in September that you LOVE your job?"

Well, yeah. But that was September. That was almost 5 months ago. Since then, my awesome boss left, my awesome friend and colleague died, we re-organized, I now feel demoted (optically), and things are pretty much directionless. I guess alot can happen in a few short months.

Strange how quickly things can change. Let's just hope they can shift into better form sooner rather than later. I am still hopeful, still thinking that this will be my year of change. I'm hoping for a great year. Still optimistic, just...well, more tired than normal.

Rubbing it In

I've been saying from the beginning that I was happy for my ex getting married. I'll be the first to admit that this sentiment is partly a selfish one. His marriage means my freedom. But here is what I'm NOT happy about- the fact that he's doing everything he can to rub it in. It's just his true jerkiness shining through. See, it doesn't bother me that he's married, but it does bother me that he's trying to rub it in and/or irritate me. Like he wants me to be miserable or something. I have a hard time when I see others who want me to be unhappy. That just makes me mad. And besides, I just learned that he met this girl in December. That is less than 8 weeks ago. He married someone that he's only known for 8 weeks. What a freak. God only knows what she's really like, or what he's exposing my kids to. What a stupid, stupid man.

So he's been talking about silver lining. Well guess what- that's my phrase, and it has been for most of my life. He's talking about how he's found his silver lining. That's fine too. But here is what I cannot handle- he has been brainwashing the kids into saying/believing/behaving as if this chick is somehow equal to me. I guess I shouldn't have expected any less, but it does seriously disturb me to see how quickly my children are willing to sell me out for someone who is pretty much a complete stranger to them.

This morning, while we were driving into school, I told my son that my birthday was coming up. He responds with:
"Awww...If I knew that, I wouldn't have given the present to Fatima".
"The present? What present?"
"The wooden heart with sparkles on it that I made in art class"
"You gave it to her?"
"Yes, cuz she's my step mom, so she is just as important as you, and she's the same as you".

WTF? Are you KIDDING ME? So the bipolar man meets and marries desperato chick and now she somehow matches me in value? I don't think so. And what the hell? My kid is a sell out. It took every ounce of energy in me to suck back the tears this morning. For once in my life, I was completely quiet. So stunned that I couldn't even speak. All I could think was 'Yeah, OK kid- remember the time when I carried you for 9 bloody months in my stomach and developed a permanent back problem? Or how about the 48 hour labour? Or maybe the 3 hours of pushing to get you out? Or hey, how about the 4 straight months of colic where I survived on maybe 3 hours of sleep a night? Or, how about all the days I took off from work when you were sick, or the fact that I breastfed you for 13 months?' What a sell out.

Anyhow, I got over my disappointment, my anger, my pain. I had a long, dreary day at the office. Re-orgs suck. So does being overworked, and feeling undervalued. I left the office at 8pm. I got home at 9pm. I went to pick up the kids from my mother's house. I was dressing them to walk them out and my daughter oh-so-innocently turns to me and says "I want to be just like Fatima when I grow up".

OH REALLY? Well, what the hell? Is your mother not good enough or something? I took one look at her, and stepped out of the room. And then I cried. And cried, and cried. Honestly, I didn't see this stuff coming. The stupid ex husband I'm glad to be rid of. The children being so quick to put someone above me, I wasn't ready for. I thought they would be loyal to me for life. This is just too much. And then people ask why I am losing my faith. Well, just look at things. Is this justice?

I know I must sound like a 5 year old right now, but I am totally ticked. I would like to see this woman keep the kids and work as hard as I have. Because you know she wouldn't. Remember the time when I was a single mom day in and day out, working like a dog? Yeah, that would be now. Remember when I was appreciated for all that I do? Right, that would be never.

His Nikkah, my Freedom

Well, I suppose that's the end of an era. Finally. It took long enough. Yesterday, my ex had his Nikkah Ceremony at a local mosque. For my non-Muslim friends, that basically means that he's done his religious vows (actually, his civil vows too, considering the paperwork would have to be done at the same time as the Nikkah), so he's officially a married man. Thank God for that.

He's still planning on having a big Walima reception in March. I guess a few weeks' notice wasn't enough time to book a banquet hall or something. They are going the Indian route (or at least pretending to) which basically means that the community doesn't consider you married until you have the Ruksati, or basically the wedding party. Either way, he's married now, and he did "officially" go home with her on Saturday night, according to my children. I guess he made arrangements for my children to stay at his mother's place that night. Slumber party for the kids while their dad has a slumber party of his own :)

I actually spoke to my former sister in law on Friday morning. She called me to see how I was doing, and she asked how I felt about the wedding. I told her I was perfectly fine. I'm starting to get the feeling that people are pitying me. Please don't. Save your pity for someone else, it's really being wasted on me. Honest. But anyhow, she was a sweetheart for calling me and checking in. Apparently, according to my former sis in law, my ex just met this girl in January. I am having a really hard time understanding how he can make such a major decision that fast. I mean, that is like only weeks. Some of us play it cautious, and others, well...they do what he did.

Anyhow, my friend from New York came down this weekend, so we kept busy. He deliberately asked that we go to an Indian movie on Saturday night. I think this was his way of keeping my mind occupied during the time of my ex's vows. I think the entire world seems to think that I will be having a hard time dealing with this. Relax guys, I'm totally happy about it. Honest. My freedom is all I can think of right now.

So, the Indian movie, Salaam E Ishq, was a very long movie, and very slow to start. I'm talking like 4 hours long. To be honest, I haven't been to many Indian movies, and I was about ready to leave after the first hour. It did get better in the second half of the movie. I did feel a bit weird because I think every Indo-Pak in Mississauga desi-town must have been piled into that theatre to see the movie. Wow, all the people I like to avoid crammed into one room. Nice.

Today after I picked the children up from the babysitter, I took my son for his belt grading for Tae Kwan Do. He passed and reached his advance yellow. He was very excited. I am still amazed at how cool it is that he gets to do this after school instead of going to a babysitter and watching TV. He gets the activity, and a skill. Who knows? By the time he's done grade school, he might get up there in the belt colours. Imagine if he reaches a black belt at a really young age. Now THAT would be cool. I love the sport because it teaches him focus, discipline, and respect. And yeah, it sure beats the heck out of watching TV after school.

Music can Sometimes Take you Back

This morning I heard a song on the radio. Odd that I heard it. It's one of those random songs that you don't hear very often. I can't even remember what the song is called, or who sings it. I just know it, because it was the song that was playing in the restaurant in St Martin, on the first night of our honeymoon.

Music, scents, sounds, they can somehow take you right back to the same place, same time, same feeling, without you even realizing that it happened.

I woke up to this song playing on the radio today. When it first started, it took me right back. I could hear the ocean, I could smell the salty beach water, I could hear the people laughing and dancing around us. I could even see the girl in the skimpy red dress dancing with her significant other. And then I saw him. My ex. Holding my hand, telling me how much he loved me. Telling me how happy he was that we were finally married. Telling me how he would never ever let me cry again. How I was the most incredible woman in the world, and how lucky he was to be with me. How he wanted us to be together forever.

At that point, I realized that I was smiling, here in my bed, as I listened to that song. And then the smile faded. That was, after all, the first night of our honeymoon. Little did I know that just 48 hours later, on night 3 of our honeymoon, we would have an argument, and I would end up with what would be the first of many hundreds of black eyes. That first night was probably one of the happiest nights of my life, definitely the happiest night of that gruelling long marriage that doesn't even end after the paperwork is said and done.

Then I became aware of where I was. In my room. In the morning. Trying to wake up. Trying to get the kids off to school so I could make it in to the office in time. Trying to get my life back from this monster of an ex husband. What a waste of my life those 11 years were. I wish on night 3 of that honeymoon I had just packed my bags, flew home to Toronto and filed for divorce. Wish, wish, wish.

How stupid I was to believe him that night. How stupid I was for staying after the black eye.

When the song ended, I realized that there were tears running down my face. I don't know what I was crying for, I mean the tears over this marriage dried long ago, but here I was, yet again, just crying. Somewhere during the song, the smile that I started off with had ended in tears. My emotions this morning were probably a very accurate summary of my marriage. It started off with smiles and happiness, but ended up a mess and in tears.

I guess it's just sad. Somehow, a relationship that I thought started off very real and true, turned very quickly into something dark, sinister, and completely out of control. It's just very sad and disappointing I suppose. But I fully intend to learn from this, and not to make those mistakes ever again. He was, after all, the biggest mistake of my life.

One fear though- how do you know if you're making a mistake? I mean, I was SO sure he was the man of my dreams, SO sure nobody would ever love me more than he did. And I was SO wrong. How does somebody like that ever learn to trust her instincts again? Even if I commit not to make the same mistake, how will I ever know when I'm making it?

And that, my friends, is a very scary thought for me. I can only hope and pray I never make the same mistakes, I never walk into the same problems, and that I somehow learn how to read, and trust my own instincts.

I hope I never hear that song again.

Mean Girls

Little girls start so young. My girlfriend from the office came over a few weekends ago, and she stayed overnight. She got the opportunity to spend lots of time with my daughter, talking about school, about her friends, about life in general. My daughter is like me...always likes to talk, always likes to spend time with people. She's very comfortable with my friend as well, so it was a nice visit overall.

One of the things she talked about was her school, and how cliquish the little girls are. For example, if she goes to school and doesn't wear something girly enough, they won't play with her. So if she wears pants, they have to be girly, which means pink, or sparkly, or flowered or something. So while she has many sparkly jeans, and flower printed jeans, that would explain why she refuses to wear her plain navy blue boot cuts from the GAP for example. No sparkles, not acceptable. She doesn't want to be left to play alone.

I find this mean. What the heck are the teachers there for? I mean, this is like SK level here. Not even grade one. Isn't it kind of young to start with this crap? I was so annoyed.

Anyhow, the next day, she wore her brand new sparkle jeans with her crystal top. Lots of bling. She came home and said it was a waste of an outfit, because Sydney wasn't at school. She asked if I could phone Sydney's mom in the morning and find out if Sydney is going to school. If she's not going to school, my daughter can wear a plain outfit. If she is going to school, then we need to dress her in something fancy.

Well, I guess we just found the ringleader. The little blond-haired blue-eyed kid with an attitude. So lemme get this straight...you wear plain jeans and little blondie has enough influence to make sure that the majority of the girls don't play with you? How do you manage that conversation with the kid's mom? Or do you? I mean, my daughter will go to a different school starting September, and probably a summer program in July, so really, its just 5 more months and she won't have to deal with blondie again.

Then again, what if there's a blondie in the next school? What if she's worse?

So I guess I have three options:

1) Help my daughter dress acceptably so she doesn't have the social hurt (OK you know that's not good enough)

2) Teach her to do what she REALLY wants and how to stand up to little blondie

3) Teach her how to become the ringleader so she doesn't have to worry about the blondies of the world.

I'm thinking option 2, but option 3 is a pretty good backup plan. Option 4 would be going to school and taking down the blond chick, but I'm guessing that wouldn't be acceptable behaviour for a mom :)

Why are you Alone Mommy?

My daughter approached me a couple of days after hearing about her dad's upcoming wedding. Bless her soul. Her biggest concern was for me. Apparently, she just realized that her dad would be getting married, which means that I am still on my own. Odd that a 5 year old child would come to that realization, and that it would bother her so much.

She told me that she was sad because her daddy was getting married and that I was alone. I told her I'm not alone. I have my children, my friends, and my family. And she said, "but you don't have a husband". I told her that everybody doesn't need a husband. That I already had lots of people who love me and lots who I love back. My life is very busy, and very happy. But she persisted.

"Every princess needs a prince mommy."

"Honey, I'm happy even without a prince. Every princess does not NEED a prince. When we want one, then it's time to find one. Right now, I'm happy without a prince. And I have you and your brother. A prince AND a princess".

"Mommy, don't be silly, not us. You know what I mean."
"Baby, are you worried about me when you're at your dad's? I'm not all alone. I visit my friends and family. I'm never alone."
"But I want you to have a husband and be happy like my daddy."
"I am happy."
"I want you to have a husband. Isn't there anyone you want to marry?"
"No baby, but tell you what, if you ever find someone that you want me to marry, you let me know".
"I have an idea. Let's go to the mall. We can sit on a bench and watch all the men go by. When we see one with a nice face and nice smile, we can ask HIM to marry you".

DANG! My daughter just taught me how to pick up a man. What the heck is wrong with this world? What do they teach them on 'Dora the Explorer' anyways?

Um- Honey, really, I'm happy, but if I'm ever not, I'll let you know.

I proceeded to relay this story to my friend. He says "Ha. Don't worry about her. Your daughter is totally going to be able to take care of herself in this world".

That's what scares me...

Confrontation in Front of an Audience

My ex was supposed to bring the children home at 10am. Supposed to. I called at 10am. He was still at home. I told him to hurry up and get home. I had to be at the portrait studio to get the children's portraits done by noon. I had to shower them and get them dressed first. At 10:55 am, he still wasn't here. I called him again. He was at home, and said he was on his way. I got upset. I told him he was being disrespectful, and after everything I had done for him! He hung up.

At 11:15, the children returned. He was still in his car, and about to drive away when I summoned him to come forward and chat. He got out of the car and came to my porch. I started to ask why he was late. Then I noticed his fiancee. She was there, and had come out of the car. Great. An audience. Not my first choice, but what the heck, I had to have my say. So I said hello to her, and then said "I'm sorry that you have to meet me under these circumstances, but I actually have to speak to my ex husband". She nodded and I continued. I told him that it was unacceptable for him to disrespect my personal life like this. I told him that he had no right to be rude to me and to hang up the phone, especially after everything I did for him. I let him see the children for his event. I even dressed them in their finest and had them waiting 15 minutes early so he wouldn't be late. I sacrificed my time with them without any advance notice, and this is how he thanks me? He gives me a harsh 15 minute window to pick up the children on a Sunday after his visit, yet he allows himself an hour and 15 minutes? How is that fair?

Anyhow, I did manage to stay fully composed throughout this. Then I looked at her and she said that she wanted to thank me for letting the children come yesterday. I told her that I was happy to do it, that these are my children, and that as a good mother, I care for their well being. I also told her that the children have spoken well of her so far, so I don't hold any ill will towards her in any way, and I again apologized that she had to hear all of this. She then said that she personally will make sure that he never brings them back late again, and that he respects me more moving forward. I thanked her for that, and then I turned to him and said "Unfortunately, the one who should be thanking me is the one who asked me for the favour in the first place. He also owes me an apology for hanging up, and for being late". He didn't flinch. Then I said goodbye, and they left.

Nice way to meet the soon to be stepmother, huh? On the plus side, I didn't get a bad vibe from her or anything. She seemed relatively respectful, and didn't step in or anything. I mean, she stayed out of it as much as possible. I do respect her for that.

I think I had every right to tell my ex that he was off limits, even if she was present. If I didn't, this pattern of walking all over me would just continue on and on. Not to say that it won't, but at least they both know I won't be walked over and just take it...or at least I hope they know that.

I should never even give him an inch. Give an inch, take a mile, right?

50% Shared Custody?

Are you out of your friggin mind!!!??

Well, I know where my ex is going now. He emailed me and asked if he could have the children tonight. He wanted to take them to a family event with his extended family and his fiancee's extended family. An engagement celebration, I think.

My first knee jerk reaction was to say no. It's my time with the kids, so take a hike. But see, here is the deal. I think that would be too mean, and he would just tell the kids that I didn't let them attend his event. So I replied and said yes, but that he couldn't have an extra day with the children just like that, so when he has them on a weekend, I should get a chance to get one of those days back when I have an event to attend. He agreed. I figured it's fair because I accommodated his plans for his upcoming wedding and stuff, and I also didn't hand him extra days on a silver platter. He has to give me that day back. A sort of trade if you will. I've got myself covered, right?

So then he calls on the phone to work out logistics. Pick up/drop off etc. While we are on the phone he brings up my son's hockey. I tell him that his email was rude, and that I haven't been going because of a back injury, but that if he wants to be an idiot and send rude emails, he's welcome to do so. The hockey topic is closed as far as I'm concerned.

Anyhow, he then proceeds to tell me that he (and his lawyer) think that he should be entitled to 50% joint shared custody. Meaning, he sees the kids 50% of the time and I see them 50% of the time. It also means that he wouldn't have to pay child support. I hear him out and I tell him he's nuts. If you think you're entitled to 50% access, bring it on asshole. Remember the time when you beat the heck out of me on a weekly basis? Ya, I think that will work against you. Oh yeah, and remember the time when you tried to choke our child and I left our marriage as a result? Oh ya, and remember how you treat them like crap you negligent piece of dirt? Oh ya, and how about the fact that your kids cannot stand you?

Anyhow, here we have it. He mentioned what his lawyer said, on and on. So, he's seeing a lawyer. Well, so am I. I guess we're in the same headspace, but with total opposite goals. Bring it on. This fight was inevitable anyways. Let's just hope that whatever comes of it, we settle things once and for all.

Do a Little Dance...

Last night, I accidentally hit a button on my cellphone, and it somehow started to play the one song (I know, pathetic that there is only one) that I had downloaded onto the MP3 player. That was the one and only "I will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. (I know Dan is shaking his head) :)

Anyhow, my son loves that song. I guess he's heard it one too many times (Gee, I wonder how that happened?) :)

Anyhow, he asks me "Mommy- what's the next wedding we will be going to?"
"Your father's. In March".
"I wanna dance to this song at his wedding. I love dancing to this song".

That was just WAAAAAAAY too easy :)
"Oh sure baby. Let me teach you how to dance to it".

Oh come on. Like you wouldn't have jumped at the opportunity given the same situation. But can you IMAGINE the shocked looked on people's faces if MY SON got up and danced to this at my EX's wedding? It's almost...poetic.

EEEEWWWW

I know I'm a mother. I know I'm supposed to tolerate just about anything that comes out of a child and have virtually no issues with it. But, when you're up all night with a child, and you're sleep deprived, and your child complains of tummy ache and you spend and hour an a half rubbing their tummy, only to go downstairs to provide them with gravol, and then, to top it off, when the gravol makes them vomit 4 times, and you somehow find yourself mopping the kitchen floor at 4 am, well, you wonder what the heck you're doing.

There is nothing harder to deal with than a sick child. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It takes a lot of patience, and a lot of love to get through it.

And, I do have to say that nothing is more disgusting than child vomit. Don't get me wrong. I feel bad for him, I took care of him all night, rubbed his little tummy, talked to him till he finally fell asleep at 5am. But still...when I saw all that vomit spread across the kitchen floor (and yes, even the walls), I thought I was going to throw up myself.

Fortunately, this doesn't happen often (touch wood). In my seven years of motherhood, and through two children, I think this might be the 3rd time I've had to deal with vomit (or anything this gross). This would be the second time in my life that I actually had to clean it up. (One time, we managed to make it to the toilet).

So, when I finally went to sleep at 5am, I was exhausted. My big 5 hour vendor meeting was far from my mind. I could send a delegate to that. All I could think of at that point in time was my need for sleep...then I woke up at 7:30am to the sound of two little feet running downstairs "Don't worry....she won't make us go to school today. I threw up, so we can stay home".

Kids are too smart for their own good. But he's right. What kind of mother would I be if I let him go to school, and took the chance that he might start vomiting once he gets there? And who am I kidding? It's not like I would really be able to focus at work if I had sent my little angel off to school while he might still be sick.

Stay home was right. And what a day it's been.

I have no idea how at-home moms can be at home. I've just spent 24 hours confined to the house, and I'm going to climb the walls pretty soon. It's one thing to spend fun time with the children on a weekend. I actually love that time with them. But, it's quite another thing to be in the house all day, all three of us in our jammies, with one child who is sick. (Well, actually, I'm in sweats, but it's practically the same thing).

Back to work tomorrow. Thank God that's over. I welcome the opportunity to spend time with my children....but when they are sick, it's work, and tiring, and not all that fun.

I'm just being honest. I know that all the mothers reading this have their jaws dropping that I could dare to say it. Maybe it's the single parenting thing. I mean, if I were married, I would have a hubby to tag team with at night. I'm not married, so it's just me here, going on 2 hours sleep.

Forgive me if I'm feeling a tad moody. But hey- I am SO glad he is better.

I do have to say, the best part of the day was when I asked him what he could eat:
"How about toast? Or soup? Soup always makes a tummyache better. Can I make some chicken soup?"

"Mommy, nothing makes a sick kid feel better than a mommy's hug".

Awwwwwwwwwwww. And that is why it was all worth it. And that is why I would do it all again, anytime, despite how tough it is, or how bad vomit smells.

I Had to Post This...

You guys MUST read this post from the Dilbert Blog. I was laughing my butt off. He pretty much summarized most of my thoughts exactly. See, now this is why Sunni's don't believe in the whole Muttah thing (thank GOD!). And just for this alone, if I were Shiite, I'd convert. (Is it possible to 'convert' to different beliefs/sects within a religion?)

But then again, I do have issues with some of the Sunni things too....sigh. There is NO winning this one.

Anyhow, you know what I mean.

Sometimes, our interpretations of religion (any religion) can just be so weird. This is the stuff that makes me crazy....I mean I've come across so many things at times which just don't make sense, but we're supposed to believe them "just because". NO thanks.

Please Take your Meds

This is my only request for my ex. Please take your meds you moron. The world can see how stupid you are. My God. The drama goes on and on. Today was one of those days where I felt so stupid. Stupid and humiliated to have to admit that I was ever married to this flake. Honestly, he's dumber than glue, and I am totally embarrassed to admit that I am (or was) affiliated with him in any way.

So, I guess he didn't realize that I already knew about his engagement (nor does he realize that I am so totally thrilled cuz he will be someone else's problem), but anyhow..I guess he wanted to make it REALLY clear to me, so here is what he does (tee hee)....

He randomly sends an email to the hockey coach. Not just the hockey coach, but all the parents of the hockey team (like 15 people in total), and to me, and to his fiancee. This is what the email said:

Please forgive us for our son's absence the past month. He will soon return to hockey, God willing… however, his attendance will continue to be sporadic. The following are the reasons for his absence:

• His mother has out-right refused to take him for hockey hence forth. He can only attend on weekends when he is with me.
• I moved over the holidays, and am still trying to settle in.
• I started a new job, and was pre-occupied with that.
• I am recently engaged (a few days ago), and very soon to be wed… tentatively for this March break. We are very excited, and wedding plans are in high-pitch.

It has been a whirl wind of events this past month, and the whirl wind continues. We are all doing very well, and are very happy. Please keep us in your prayers.

:) OK, so WTF? I don't even know where to start. Um- he clearly doesn't realize that everyone on this email now officially knows that he's a mental case. He also doesn't realize that I now have in writing that he is officially off his rocker. My only disappointment is that he copied his fiancee. God forbid she figures out that he's a freak and changes her mind. Then he would be my problem again. Let's keep our fingers crossed guys. March isn't that far away. IF all goes well, he will get hitched and then distracted. And hopefully then one day I can openly start seeing people and be free.

My fingers are crossed. This is the stuff that I no longer want as a part of my life.....

Oh, and for the record, I refused to take our son to hockey because of my back injury. I can't carry that big huge hockey bag, bend over to tie up skates, and help him get on the ice. I did tell him that in my email to him, and also offered to let him take our son if he felt it was important, but...well, you see where that ended up.

Oh please let them marry soon. I can almost taste the freedom...

Manic Engagement

This has been a mentally hectic few days. But I'm a strong gal, and I'm doing very well, if I do say so myself.

Thursday, I had to take care of some things at the office with my team. Final team conversations and such. It was a very hectic day, lots of paperwork, lots of running around, lots of meetings. On Thursday evening, I had to get back into the ongoing disputes with my ex. He's such a nuisance. So he basically wouldn't email me to confirm that I would get the children back on Sunday night. No reply. What a total complete ass. Anyhow, I ended up calling his lawyer and telling him that this was unacceptable.

It was more tense than it would have been, mostly because I was leaving for NY at 9am the next morning. I ended up going to NY to visit a friend, and while I was there, his lawyer emailed me, basically saying a bunch of junk, including that I had a 15 minute window to get the kids at noon on Sunday. Should I not arrive in those 15 minutes, he would get to keep them overnight. Now they are both asses. My flight was arriving home at 1pm Sunday, so I would end up missing the 15 minute window at noon. So, I called Mich from NY and she went at noon to get the kids. Saved by an angel.

Anyhow, I get home and I hear from the kids that their dad is getting married. I'm in disbelief. Are you serious? I mean- if this is true, I'm relieved that he may get off my back, but concerned for the kids. Isn't this the chick that he's been shacking up with for the past 3 weeks, and that he's known for all of six weeks? Weird. Stupid. He must be in another one of his bipolar manic episodes. I know those 'I'm-better-than-anyone-else' episodes all too well. I've seen his mental ups and downs for the past 14 years. And they are all ugly. This is just too freakish.

So I sign into msn today, and I can see him online. I have him blocked, so I can see him, but he can't see me. His message says 'happily engaged'. Try happily on a stupid rebound, but whatever. Some of us date people for months and won't dare get engaged, we just evaluate, evaluate, evaluate, and see it as an opportunity to enjoy life. Others get engaged after 6 weeks. I don't get it.

Then again, I was just talking to a friend, and he made a good point. If I were my ex, I would rush it too. I mean, how long before this girl realizes that he can't hold down a job, that he's a nutcase, and that he's a temperamental abusive man? That's right...it won't take long. So, if you wanna land a girl, and you're a bad catch yourself, you better get her hooked in and close the deal real fast. Desperate, but true. Now it all actually does make sense.

I am worried for the kids. He told them that they would HAVE to treat this girl the same as their mother. Well, that's just dumb. Why would you stress out the kids by commanding how they should feel about someone? If it were me, I would introduce them, let them get comfortable, ask for their opinion, and then tell them where we would like to go. I wouldn't do the "Hi, we're getting married, so you better treat her as good as you treat your mom" thing. Freak.

And besides, NOBODY can be the same as your mother. I did after all, sacrifice for them, carry them for 9 months, breastfeed each for a year (yes too much info)...so hell if anyone gets the same status as me. OK- I wouldn't have had a catty moment, had it not been for the stepping on my maternal territory thing :) I am human, right?

On another note...I should ask HIM if he wants to buy back my wedding ring. Tee hee. I'm sure it has SUCH good karma.

Anyhow, I fully intend to make this emotionally easy for the kids. I'll encourage them to go to the wedding if they want to, I'll encourage them to continue to talk openly about everything, I'll continue to be who I am. I could easily be the mean typical ex wife witch who turns the children against the new girl in his life, but that would only emotionally screw up my kids. Emotionally screwing them up is NOT an option. EVER. I prefer to think of myself as someone with at least a bit of class. Someone who can rest assured that she is a good person. And besides all that, this girl is diverting my ex's attention away from me. And that is FANTASTIC. If all goes well, planning a wedding should have him so distracted that he shouldn't have time to deal with me in any way. What a bonus that is.

So, despite his jerkiness, I'm going to take the high road, instead of the I'm-going-to-make-you-pay-for-your-assholeness road. Besides, 2007 is going to be my year. So hell if I lose myself anywhere in this process. I've actually realized that for the most part, I actually do like who I am. And that, I wouldn't trade for the world. I prayed that this would be the year where I would finally be free. It sounds like my prayers might just get answered. Cheers to my ex's new fiancee.

Promise Me You Won't Ever Die

This is so scary. I just witnessed the absolute FREAKIEST conversation between my son and daughter. They didn't realize that I heard them talking. My daughter and son were lying in bed at bedtime tonight. My daughter since the car accident has been totally freaked out that something bad will happen to me. She is for some reason, really afraid of death. She keeps asking me if I'm going to die, when I'm going to die, and what will happen to her if I die. I keep reassuring her that I'm fine, I'm not going to die, and that I will be here to love her for a long long time.

Anyhow, she was talking to my son and asking what would happen if I were to die.

His reply: "Be quiet. Nobody's dying."

"But what if she dies? Who will take care of us? Who will change our clothes and cook and tuck us in at night?"

"Be quiet and go to sleep. Nobody's dying".

"I made a prayer. Wanna know what it is?"

"If you hurry. I wanna sleep"

"I asked God to make dad die first. Mommy loves us, so I want him to take daddy first because he's mean and yells alot. If he lets mommy live, he can have daddy"

"You're mean. Dad buys toys for us. Lots of them. If he dies, who will buy our toys? And, who will take us to our cousins to play? Mom doesn't go there anymore"

"Mom can find the way. And she can take all the toys from dad's house. I want God to make daddy die first. I'm going to pray for that."

And then I walked in. I asked 'Hey guys, what's up?"
"Nothing. We're sleeping".
"Mommy- will you die first or will daddy?"
"Baby- that's a long long time away...is there something you want to say to me honey?"
"Daddy should die first"
"You're so mean!"
"Am not!"
"OK guys. Listen. I'm not dying any time soon. Neither is your dad. We're both going to be here for a long long time so there is nothing for you to worry about. OK? Now....time for bed. Nobody's dying so let's talk about this later, OK? Goodnight guys!"

OK- So here is the deal. She wants him gone before me, and he sold me out for a bunch of toys. What the heck am I supposed to make of all this? Wow. That is SO messed up.

On another note, my appointment today went well. I have a long road ahead, and lots to do, so let's see where I end up. :)

Avoid the Eid Dinner, Avoid a Hassle

I decided a while back not to go to the Muslim Professional Network's Eid Dinner last night. There were two reasons for this decision. The first was that I had the children this weekend, and to be honest, I don't really like asking others to watch them on weekends for me. Weeknights when it's work related is another thing. To do it on weekends is just inconvenient for others, and dilutes my quality time with them. The second reason why I decided not to attend the dinner party is because I had a feeling that my Ex might be there. He attended the Iftar in Ramadan, and I attended that too, and it was awkward, creepy, and renewed all his stalking tendencies. For him, seeing me happy just makes him angry and miserable. Inevitably, he always takes that anger out on me. For that reason, I think it's just always better for me to avoid seeing him- why go through the discomfort and re-introduce his freakishness into my life? No thanks to that!

Anyhow, I got a full report of last night's dinner from a very close friend. He told me that yes, he was there, yes he came with the girlfriend, and yes, he left with her too. He was apparently much more relaxed and much less intense than usual. I say good for him. The quicker he moves on, the quicker he leaves me alone. I quite frankly don't care who she is, as long as she's good to my children. The day she says or does anything to hurt them is the day I turn nasty on both of them. Until them, I say let them be.

But here is the REALLY weird, and very scary thing. He's moved in with this person. So, he's apparently serious about this relationship. But, if all that's true, why was he so pissed off that I might be seeing someone? He supposedly has reason to believe I'm with someone, reason enough to call me an f--ng sl**. I mean, I know he has an insane imagination, but what the hell? One would hope that he wouldn't care what I do with my life. I mean, I don't care if he's moved on. If anything, I'm glad because it relieves some of the pressure off my life. But this, I just don't get. Does it mean that I still need to keep an eye open, that I can't really trust that I will be at peace at last? For now, I'm on guard. I'm just not sure how long I will have to be that way.

I have an important meeting tomorrow afternoon. This should answer many of my questions. It's at 4pm here in Mississauga, which means I basically will have to leave the office at 3pm. Thank God the laptop comes home with me every night, or I'd never get enough work done.

Wish me luck. Let's hope she has good news for me.

So Tired, Must Get Some Sleep...

My office friend stayed over yesterday. She came to hang out with the children (who absolutely adore her! The last time she was over they were willing to adopt her as an honorary mother!). We had a nice time, went for dinner, visited my parents, and crashed. I think she had no clue how quickly two little kids can wear you out :)

Today we got up, had breakfast, bathed the kids, went to the movies (saw Happily N'ever After-the kids loved it, but truly, it's a rental), went out for lunch, did some shopping and we were both kaput. The kids on the other hand, are energizer bunnies, complete with the loud annoyance factor. I often wonder what people without children think when they are around kids for an extended period of time like that. My kids adore her, she's great with them, and I got to observe it all. My conclusion- some people without kids have waaaaay more patience with children than people who do have kids. I'm not sure why, but it seems that way to me.

I was invited to a Muslim Networking dinner tonight, and chose to sit it out. The last time I went my creepy ex was there any he stalked me the whole night. No thanks to that. So here I am, 11:30pm, safe in my bed. Good decision, if I do say so myself. Why say yes to the stalker when I can do other things (like sleep?)....exactly!

6 Months to a Year?!

I was working from home today. Part of me thinks it's good, as I get more work done, and the other part thinks I should be in the office right now. The environment is very toxic these days, and I feel like I need to be there to morally support my team. Then again, what moral support can I provide? I can't exactly answer questions, and I have nothing solid that I can add. It's pretty much a waiting game for everyone. Besides that, I've been working from home on Fridays since 2001. I'm not sure I want to break that routine unless I have to. These things (flex hours I mean) have a funny way of coming to an end without you intending for that to happen.

I had to go to the chiropractor today for myself, and my daughter. It turns out that she will need a bit longer to heal, but fortunately she isn't in any pain, unless you actually touch the part of her ribs that were affected. Another month or so and she should be better.

As for me, I'm not as lucky. The two back to back pregnancies did a number on my back, and it had just healed 100% about a year ago. The car accident put it out worse than it was after my pregnancies. I feel so defeated. She said the pain MAY go away in 3 months, and my back will heal in 6 months on an aggressive program, one year in a medium program. If I do any less it won't heal. And this isn't some back alley chiropractor. This is one that I fully respect. She was the one who would tell me when it wasn't necessary to go, so I fully trust her when she tells me that it is necessary. But man, one year is damned depressing. This is on a full pettibon chiropractic program. (That's basically a restorative program, where you build up your back strength to the point where you should in theory not need adjustments anymore). It's the program I was on before. Had I not had the car injury, I would have been just fine. I haven't been to her in months. Sigh. Nothing we can do about that now I suppose.

As a tiny side benefit, the insurance company has agreed to foot the tab for my house cleaning. I am able to call a cleaning lady to do the house for the next few weeks. Thank God for that, can you imagine what would happen to my back if I had to bend over and clean tubs, toilets, or go around vaccuming and mopping floors? I don't think I could do it.

I'd rather clean my own house and have no back pain. Besides, I'm anal so nobody can clean it like I can anyways. :)

An evening with the children

I had to spend the past 3 nights at home with the kids in order to help my son get caught up on all his homework. My ex failed to do the homework with the children over the holidays, and failed to tell me that he had it, so the research assignment and book report due tomorrow wasn't even started. Thank God the teacher emailed me to ask me what was going on, or I wouldn't have even known the difference (my ex picked them up from school on the last day before Xmas holidays, as it was his weekend with the children).

Anyhow, we're almost done. I figure another hour and we should be good. Hey- my ex might have been flopping out of school (no, I am serious), but I am the anal, perfectionist mother. There is no way that I would allow my child to screw up his schooling.

Anyhow, a couple of funny things happened. My ex called for his regularly scheduled telephone call with the children. My son answered the phone and I could hear him talking to his dad. On the coffee table were my Oprah Magazines. I could hear him saying "Man, mom sure loves her book about the big O, it's always on the table". Kids have the darndest way of talking about the most insignificant things. But here's the funny thing- I think my ex thought I was reading up on a different big O. Haha. I could hear his reaction through the phone, "What big O? WHAT? What is your mother reading?"

"You know, those big books with the lady on the front and the big O in the top left hand corner".

"You mean Oprah? Are they magazines?"

"Yeah, those".

I just about peed my pants. Too funny. Go son, go! Then it was my daughter's turn on the phone. I proceeded to do my son's homework with him. In the background I heard her talking to her dad "My mommy says she's a princess. I told her there is no such thing as a princess without a prince. So I asked her if you could be her prince and she said no. Mommy will find another prince one day." Oh crap. Here we go. Inflame the jerk why don't you? I think he must have said something along the lines of "I don't need her for a princess. You're my princess", because I heard her say "No, I can't be your princess. I'm my brother's princess".

HA! You reap rewards for the seeds you sow. Treat em like crap, and they will be brutally honest about how they feel about you.

OK, I have to go. I just caught my kids making MAPLE BUTTER sandwiches. A guy at my office sells this cool maple butter stuff from his family's farm, and yeah, my kids are eating it for dessert. They turned down chocolate ice cream, and now I know why. That stuff is pure sugar. It's gonna be a loooooooong night. Sigh.

Never leave young children alone even for a couple of minutes. Never.

The Civic Returns

I got my car back today. No really. That's crazy isn't it? And they say it wasn't bad enough to write off. So, new front bumper, new rear bumper, new side panel, passenger door repairs, new front tires, newly repaired suspension, and re-alignment of tires. Yeah, tell me that my car is really gonna hold its value if I ever want to sell it. Exactly.

Anyhow, it looks fine. It seems to drive fine, so who knows? I just have this nagging feeling that it's just overall a weaker car.

I went to the chiropractor today. I learned that my back, neck, collarbone, and ribs will take awhile to heal. Like a year. That's with chiro visits and therapy twice a year. Oh yaay. I'm personally going to try to make it happen faster. No more heels for me. Flat shoes will be the way to go for the next while. Let's see what else I can do to help things along.

So I did speak to someone yesterday about my situation with my ex. I was told that my current implementation of the child access agreement was incorrect. How fascinating. Apparently, the fact that we have joint custody refers to major decision making only. Meaning if I wanted to convert their religion, I would need to get my ex's permission. If I wanted to change their schools, I would need his permission. He is legally entitled to attend PTA meetings with me, or call the doctor and ask about their medical well being. But that's it. I mean IT.

Apparently, he isn't allowed to go to their school. He isn't allowed to pull them out of school. He isn't allowed to have access to them, aside from his two weekends a month. He can go to their school to talk to the teacher, but he cannot go there to talk to him. GOLDEN! And to think- my stupid assed, over priced lawyer overlooked telling me this stuff during the separation. What did I pay him for?

So now, I can have much more peace. All I have to do is give the schools a copy of the court order for their files, and instruct them that he is not to come by to see the children. If he does, they are welcome to call the police. I no longer have to worry that he might go and take them out of school, that he might go and ask inappropriate questions. I no longer have to worry. I don't think he's entitled to come to after school soccer matches or to events. He isn't allowed to be in my face or harass me. This is going to make life a whole lot easier.

Remember when I said I was determined to make sure I got my life back this year? Well, buckle up and hold on. This is going to be quite the ride. And it is SO long overdue.

A Week in Review

It’s really funny. If I drop off the planet and stop blogging people freak out and start calling me. That’s scary if you consider the fact that I was resisting the whole blog thing in the beginning. Either way, you know things are NOT going well when I haven’t blogged in awhile. There is good news though. Despite how weird things have been in my life, I’m still feeling optimistic about 2007. This is going to be my year. There is no such thing as a perfect year, so I am fully expecting to have ups and downs, especially given who my ex is. But the point is more that so far, I’m taking it all in stride. That doesn’t mean that I’m not stressed. I mean, I can feel my ulcer kicking in, but it does mean that I’m not going spastic….YET.

So here is the deal. Things have been getting more intense with my ex. At first, he started off by just being a jerk: not giving a damn when we had the car accident, dumping the kids on me when it was his turn to take care of them (despite my bad back), not returning my phone calls or emails, sending me rude text messages about how I should be calling him so the children can talk. (I responded by saying that if he wants to talk, he can call. It’s not like I’m legally responsible for facilitating his phone calls). Anyhow, last week on Tuesday, my ex wanted to speak to the children, so I told him that he could call to speak. He rudely texts me to say that I cannot answer the phone because he doesn’t want to hear my voice. I think “don’t you dare answer the phone or I’ll hang up” were his words. I’m thinking what the hell, but I let it go. This is after all, my house, my phone, but whatever. No seriously- think about it. He is so controlling that he is telling me whether or not I can answer my own phone. What the hell?

Anyhow, he calls and I let my son answer the phone. They are talking and my ex asks my son to go to a private room. I tell him no, talk to your dad here. What the heck is so private anyways. So my ex tells him to take the phone into the bathroom and lock the door. How nasty. I am disgusted, and tell him no. Anyhow, this goes back and forth, but in the end, my son is talking, and I hear him repeating sentences. My ex is telling him verbatim what to say, and he is saying it. Things like “my mommy doesn’t let me call you, even if I ask” or “She is trying to keep us apart and I miss you very much” and “my mom doesn’t want me to visit you anymore and it makes me cry”. I freak out, grab the phone and hang it up. Then I ask my son what he’s doing. He tells me that his dad made him say those things. I ask why he would repeat things that he knows aren’t true. “Because he gets mad if I don’t. You know how he is”.

Indeed I do. I also know what it felt like to be the person who was controlled by him. This is what I was afraid of. That I would escape the marriage, but that the after-effects would haunt my children anyways. And it’s happening. There is no escape. This is my reality. And you know what? I created it. I did, after all, marry the jerk. Talk about paying for something for the rest of your life. I thought punishments were supposed to fit a crime? If that’s true, I must have done something really bad in my lifetime. I think I’ll opt to believe that it isn’t true. Anything else would just make me certifiably insane. Anyhow, I tell my son not to do this again. He could, after all, be tape recording the entire conversation with the intention of using it in court. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be admissible, but you never know. Stranger things have happened.

Anyhow, this past weekend was his weekend with the children. I had plans to visit a friend in New York. On Wednesday, I emailed him, advising that he should pick up the children from school on Friday (as per usual plan) and drop them off to my parent’s home at noon on Sunday. He usually drops them off to my place, so I didn’t think this should be a problem. He writes back saying no, he can’t drop them off because he has now moved in with his parents in Brampton (as of Jan 1, 2007) and it is too inconvenient. I write back and say he can’t change the usual routine just like that, and that I am not available to pick them up before 6pm. He writes back saying too bad, then he will leave the children with his mom as he has plans Sunday afternoon, and that they will miss school on Monday as a result, because he won’t have time to take them to school. I write back saying that’s unacceptable, and clearly he is not making responsible parenting decisions. He writes back and says fine, if you want them, you’ll have to come and get them when you’re available, and that he might be around town, so I’ll have to get the kids from whichever babysitter he chooses to use on Sunday. I write back and ask when and where I can pick them up. NO response after that.

Anyhow, I go to New York, thinking this will all be resolved once he replies with a time and place. I do, after all, have an agreement in principle that I can pick them up at 6pm Sunday. By Saturday night, I check my email and there is still no response. I email him, asking for a final time and place. I check email again Sunday, no response. I call him. No response. I get to Laguardia Airport, check my blackberry and find an email from him stating that he has decided to keep the children overnight and will take them to school the next day. Thanks for the offer buddy, but you can’t make that kind of unilateral decision. You are, after all, NOT the primary caregiver. I reply politely saying thanks for the offer, but that I still want the children back. No response. I get to the airport and call and text message him. No response. From 2pm to 8pm, I send him 4 text messages, 4 voice mails, and two emails. I don’t get a response from any of them. Now I’m freaking out. Where is he, why isn’t he responding, and how the heck do I get the kids back?

I leverage some mutual contacts and basically find out that:

1. He never moved in with his parents, so he lied to me (and hearing this made me totally freak out and go spastic)
2. He moved elsewhere and nobody can confirm where he is living, and he is deliberately trying to keep it from me (a breach of our child access agreements)
3. He did all of this deliberately so that I would be panicked, wondering where the children are.

According to him, the only reason a woman would be busy on a Sunday afternoon is that she must be a slut f**ng other men (yes those were his words) and I deserve to suffer. He didn’t know who I was with, but he was sure it was a man, and for that, I deserved to suffer. Well, this is nice. Remember the time when we got divorced? That day, you LOST any right to give a damn about whatever the heck I’m doing with my life. I’m not even going to entertain the idea of justifying where I was or whom I was with. It’s nobody’s business except mine. Now give me back my children.

Anyhow, by 10pm, I’m freaking out, wondering what he’s going to do with the children. A mutual friend reassures me that the kids are fine, asleep, in bed, and that he intends to take them to school in the morning, so I feel a bit better, but not much. I debated calling the police, but decided against it because I was afraid of how the children would react to having their mom call the cops on their dad, and I’m afraid if it will enrage him further and possibly try to make him run from the country or something. In hindsight, this was really stupid on my part. I should have called the authorities. I have a feeling I will regret that decision for the rest of my life.

To be perfectly honest, I think I’m still afraid of him. I mean, in the 11 years we were married, and despite the hundred or so black eyes I’ve had over the years, I never once called the police, out of fear that his rage would just intensify. Knowing that the children were with him, that fear went up a hundred fold. I just couldn’t make the call. I know that everyone reading this will think I’m irresponsible, but trust me, I just can’t explain it. It’s just this fear that never goes away. I’m working on it, honest. It’s just taking a lot longer than I expected.

So the next morning (Monday) is my first day back at the office after almost 3 weeks off. I get in at 6am, because I didn’t sleep a wink that night, and I was up anyways. I wait until 8:30 and call the schools to see if the children were dropped off. The secretaries confirm that they were. I tell them under NO circumstances does anyone other than myself pick them up after school. Then I hang up the phone, go to the washroom, and cry. Tears of relief. And to think- I thought they would be safer once I left him.

I spend the rest of the day zoned out. I can hardly think. I just want to see my babies. I leave the office at 3:45 and rush to pick them up. I talk to them, ask where they were. Apparently, they were staying at dad’s friend’s house. A female friend. REALLY? I mean wasn’t this guy freaking out because he thought I was with another man? WHAT THE HELL? It’s not like I care, but he broke our agreement, kept my kids from me, didn’t tell me their whereabouts and had them witness his shacking up with some chick? This is unbelievable. You only see this in movies about psycho people. I mean, he just took off with the kids for a whole day! WHO DOES THAT? What the hell? How cruel, how heartless, how totally irresponsible!

Needless to say, I’m evaluating all my options, and I think I know exactly where to go from here, and what I need to do. And think- all this because he wanted to laugh and ‘get even’ with me. How totally sick. How evil. How completely unacceptable.

Let’s see who’s laughing when all is said and done. Just remember- I have vowed that 2007 is going to be MY year. Mark my words. I won’t have it any other way. If I have one goal for this year, it’s to truly have my life back. And I'll be damned if I lose sight of that. Not even for a minute. This was yet another eye opener. Now I'm totally ready to do what I need to. Let's just see how things go. After all, every action has a reaction, right?

The Tooth Fairy

"Mommy! Mommy! Guess what? The tooth fairy left me 20 BUCKS! She must LOVE ME! Yahoo!"

:)

You would think the child has never seen a $20 bill. Glad I could make him happy. That was one precious moment. The way I see it, if I can't do the Santa thing, at least I can do the tooth fairy, right?

Now my little guy wants me to take him to the bank to open an account so he can deposit his money from the tooth fairy, his money from Eid, and his birthday money. How totally adorable. I'm impressed that he wants the bank account. I didn't see that one coming.

Anyhow, today is mostly errands. I called Honda, and they said that the body work on my car is almost done. Then they have to work on the suspension, wheel alignment, etc. I might get the car back by Friday if I'm lucky. *Might*. To tell you the truth, I feel like I got a bit of a raw deal.

I paid for the insurance plan where they would NOT depreciate the car in their calculations if I were to total the car in the first 18 months. Meaning, if I total the car in the first 18 months, I'm entitled to a new car of equal value. Recall that I bought this car last year. It's only 11 months old. So they would have to use the full un-depreciated value when/if the car is totalled. I think if they were allowed to use the depreciated value, they would have written off the car and given me the cash to buy a new one, but because the cost of replacing the car is significantly higher than the cost of repairs given the original, undepreciated value, it was cheaper for them to fix the car. That means that I'll essentially be driving an 11 month old car that should have been totally written off after the accident. That doesn't exactly make me feel safe, but I don't think there is really much I can do.

My friend had a good idea. Go to Honda, trade in the car after it's fixed and get a new one. But then I add another year of payments to the car. Hmmm. I think I'll hold onto it for now, keep the payments low, and see what happens to me financially this year. Best case scenario, I get rid of it altogether and get a car that I REALLY like. Worst case, I hold onto it for another year.

My back is still brutal. I have a trip to the massage therapist tonight to work on the tailbone. I have a trip to the chiropractor and massage therapist this Thursday as well. And the visits go well into next week. I'll be going into the office late twice a week every week to get some of the chiro visits in. But hey, as long as the pain goes away, I'll be really happy. The time I took off didn't really feel like a vacation given all the pain, but it's ok. I'll make up for it and take vacation again early in February.

Either way, the accident was in 2006. And this is 2007, my year for healing and change. I'm still optimistic, and excited.

Happy New Year 2007

It's finally here. I have been waiting for 2007. It just feels like a really really clean slate. If you think about it, 2006 was alot for me, a very bad year emotionally. Honestly speaking, 2007 can only get better. At least, that's what I'm hoping for. I'm hoping that now that the divorce paperwork is done, now that I've told my ex where to go, now that I've dealt with Syd's death, now that my children are more settled, and now that I've made new friends who understand me and who don't hold me to my past, well, how much cleaner can a slate get? The job situation, well yeah that leaves a bit to be desired given the re-org and stuff, but still, I'm ready to face 2007. A car accident at the end of 2006 was just the icing on the cake, further showing that it just was not my year.

But here I am, 2007 at last. And guess what happened today? Jan 1, 2007, my little boy lost his first tooth at 11am. Cute isn't it? It's almost midnight and I just finished playing tooth fairy. I've been waiting to do this. It's like one of the honours of motherhood. Here's the funny part. I had like NO money in my wallet. I had to give him a $20 bill :) He's going to be one happy kid when he wakes up tomorrow :)

Here's to new beginnings...