A Week in Review

It’s really funny. If I drop off the planet and stop blogging people freak out and start calling me. That’s scary if you consider the fact that I was resisting the whole blog thing in the beginning. Either way, you know things are NOT going well when I haven’t blogged in awhile. There is good news though. Despite how weird things have been in my life, I’m still feeling optimistic about 2007. This is going to be my year. There is no such thing as a perfect year, so I am fully expecting to have ups and downs, especially given who my ex is. But the point is more that so far, I’m taking it all in stride. That doesn’t mean that I’m not stressed. I mean, I can feel my ulcer kicking in, but it does mean that I’m not going spastic….YET.

So here is the deal. Things have been getting more intense with my ex. At first, he started off by just being a jerk: not giving a damn when we had the car accident, dumping the kids on me when it was his turn to take care of them (despite my bad back), not returning my phone calls or emails, sending me rude text messages about how I should be calling him so the children can talk. (I responded by saying that if he wants to talk, he can call. It’s not like I’m legally responsible for facilitating his phone calls). Anyhow, last week on Tuesday, my ex wanted to speak to the children, so I told him that he could call to speak. He rudely texts me to say that I cannot answer the phone because he doesn’t want to hear my voice. I think “don’t you dare answer the phone or I’ll hang up” were his words. I’m thinking what the hell, but I let it go. This is after all, my house, my phone, but whatever. No seriously- think about it. He is so controlling that he is telling me whether or not I can answer my own phone. What the hell?

Anyhow, he calls and I let my son answer the phone. They are talking and my ex asks my son to go to a private room. I tell him no, talk to your dad here. What the heck is so private anyways. So my ex tells him to take the phone into the bathroom and lock the door. How nasty. I am disgusted, and tell him no. Anyhow, this goes back and forth, but in the end, my son is talking, and I hear him repeating sentences. My ex is telling him verbatim what to say, and he is saying it. Things like “my mommy doesn’t let me call you, even if I ask” or “She is trying to keep us apart and I miss you very much” and “my mom doesn’t want me to visit you anymore and it makes me cry”. I freak out, grab the phone and hang it up. Then I ask my son what he’s doing. He tells me that his dad made him say those things. I ask why he would repeat things that he knows aren’t true. “Because he gets mad if I don’t. You know how he is”.

Indeed I do. I also know what it felt like to be the person who was controlled by him. This is what I was afraid of. That I would escape the marriage, but that the after-effects would haunt my children anyways. And it’s happening. There is no escape. This is my reality. And you know what? I created it. I did, after all, marry the jerk. Talk about paying for something for the rest of your life. I thought punishments were supposed to fit a crime? If that’s true, I must have done something really bad in my lifetime. I think I’ll opt to believe that it isn’t true. Anything else would just make me certifiably insane. Anyhow, I tell my son not to do this again. He could, after all, be tape recording the entire conversation with the intention of using it in court. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be admissible, but you never know. Stranger things have happened.

Anyhow, this past weekend was his weekend with the children. I had plans to visit a friend in New York. On Wednesday, I emailed him, advising that he should pick up the children from school on Friday (as per usual plan) and drop them off to my parent’s home at noon on Sunday. He usually drops them off to my place, so I didn’t think this should be a problem. He writes back saying no, he can’t drop them off because he has now moved in with his parents in Brampton (as of Jan 1, 2007) and it is too inconvenient. I write back and say he can’t change the usual routine just like that, and that I am not available to pick them up before 6pm. He writes back saying too bad, then he will leave the children with his mom as he has plans Sunday afternoon, and that they will miss school on Monday as a result, because he won’t have time to take them to school. I write back saying that’s unacceptable, and clearly he is not making responsible parenting decisions. He writes back and says fine, if you want them, you’ll have to come and get them when you’re available, and that he might be around town, so I’ll have to get the kids from whichever babysitter he chooses to use on Sunday. I write back and ask when and where I can pick them up. NO response after that.

Anyhow, I go to New York, thinking this will all be resolved once he replies with a time and place. I do, after all, have an agreement in principle that I can pick them up at 6pm Sunday. By Saturday night, I check my email and there is still no response. I email him, asking for a final time and place. I check email again Sunday, no response. I call him. No response. I get to Laguardia Airport, check my blackberry and find an email from him stating that he has decided to keep the children overnight and will take them to school the next day. Thanks for the offer buddy, but you can’t make that kind of unilateral decision. You are, after all, NOT the primary caregiver. I reply politely saying thanks for the offer, but that I still want the children back. No response. I get to the airport and call and text message him. No response. From 2pm to 8pm, I send him 4 text messages, 4 voice mails, and two emails. I don’t get a response from any of them. Now I’m freaking out. Where is he, why isn’t he responding, and how the heck do I get the kids back?

I leverage some mutual contacts and basically find out that:

1. He never moved in with his parents, so he lied to me (and hearing this made me totally freak out and go spastic)
2. He moved elsewhere and nobody can confirm where he is living, and he is deliberately trying to keep it from me (a breach of our child access agreements)
3. He did all of this deliberately so that I would be panicked, wondering where the children are.

According to him, the only reason a woman would be busy on a Sunday afternoon is that she must be a slut f**ng other men (yes those were his words) and I deserve to suffer. He didn’t know who I was with, but he was sure it was a man, and for that, I deserved to suffer. Well, this is nice. Remember the time when we got divorced? That day, you LOST any right to give a damn about whatever the heck I’m doing with my life. I’m not even going to entertain the idea of justifying where I was or whom I was with. It’s nobody’s business except mine. Now give me back my children.

Anyhow, by 10pm, I’m freaking out, wondering what he’s going to do with the children. A mutual friend reassures me that the kids are fine, asleep, in bed, and that he intends to take them to school in the morning, so I feel a bit better, but not much. I debated calling the police, but decided against it because I was afraid of how the children would react to having their mom call the cops on their dad, and I’m afraid if it will enrage him further and possibly try to make him run from the country or something. In hindsight, this was really stupid on my part. I should have called the authorities. I have a feeling I will regret that decision for the rest of my life.

To be perfectly honest, I think I’m still afraid of him. I mean, in the 11 years we were married, and despite the hundred or so black eyes I’ve had over the years, I never once called the police, out of fear that his rage would just intensify. Knowing that the children were with him, that fear went up a hundred fold. I just couldn’t make the call. I know that everyone reading this will think I’m irresponsible, but trust me, I just can’t explain it. It’s just this fear that never goes away. I’m working on it, honest. It’s just taking a lot longer than I expected.

So the next morning (Monday) is my first day back at the office after almost 3 weeks off. I get in at 6am, because I didn’t sleep a wink that night, and I was up anyways. I wait until 8:30 and call the schools to see if the children were dropped off. The secretaries confirm that they were. I tell them under NO circumstances does anyone other than myself pick them up after school. Then I hang up the phone, go to the washroom, and cry. Tears of relief. And to think- I thought they would be safer once I left him.

I spend the rest of the day zoned out. I can hardly think. I just want to see my babies. I leave the office at 3:45 and rush to pick them up. I talk to them, ask where they were. Apparently, they were staying at dad’s friend’s house. A female friend. REALLY? I mean wasn’t this guy freaking out because he thought I was with another man? WHAT THE HELL? It’s not like I care, but he broke our agreement, kept my kids from me, didn’t tell me their whereabouts and had them witness his shacking up with some chick? This is unbelievable. You only see this in movies about psycho people. I mean, he just took off with the kids for a whole day! WHO DOES THAT? What the hell? How cruel, how heartless, how totally irresponsible!

Needless to say, I’m evaluating all my options, and I think I know exactly where to go from here, and what I need to do. And think- all this because he wanted to laugh and ‘get even’ with me. How totally sick. How evil. How completely unacceptable.

Let’s see who’s laughing when all is said and done. Just remember- I have vowed that 2007 is going to be MY year. Mark my words. I won’t have it any other way. If I have one goal for this year, it’s to truly have my life back. And I'll be damned if I lose sight of that. Not even for a minute. This was yet another eye opener. Now I'm totally ready to do what I need to. Let's just see how things go. After all, every action has a reaction, right?