Rubbing it In

I've been saying from the beginning that I was happy for my ex getting married. I'll be the first to admit that this sentiment is partly a selfish one. His marriage means my freedom. But here is what I'm NOT happy about- the fact that he's doing everything he can to rub it in. It's just his true jerkiness shining through. See, it doesn't bother me that he's married, but it does bother me that he's trying to rub it in and/or irritate me. Like he wants me to be miserable or something. I have a hard time when I see others who want me to be unhappy. That just makes me mad. And besides, I just learned that he met this girl in December. That is less than 8 weeks ago. He married someone that he's only known for 8 weeks. What a freak. God only knows what she's really like, or what he's exposing my kids to. What a stupid, stupid man.

So he's been talking about silver lining. Well guess what- that's my phrase, and it has been for most of my life. He's talking about how he's found his silver lining. That's fine too. But here is what I cannot handle- he has been brainwashing the kids into saying/believing/behaving as if this chick is somehow equal to me. I guess I shouldn't have expected any less, but it does seriously disturb me to see how quickly my children are willing to sell me out for someone who is pretty much a complete stranger to them.

This morning, while we were driving into school, I told my son that my birthday was coming up. He responds with:
"Awww...If I knew that, I wouldn't have given the present to Fatima".
"The present? What present?"
"The wooden heart with sparkles on it that I made in art class"
"You gave it to her?"
"Yes, cuz she's my step mom, so she is just as important as you, and she's the same as you".

WTF? Are you KIDDING ME? So the bipolar man meets and marries desperato chick and now she somehow matches me in value? I don't think so. And what the hell? My kid is a sell out. It took every ounce of energy in me to suck back the tears this morning. For once in my life, I was completely quiet. So stunned that I couldn't even speak. All I could think was 'Yeah, OK kid- remember the time when I carried you for 9 bloody months in my stomach and developed a permanent back problem? Or how about the 48 hour labour? Or maybe the 3 hours of pushing to get you out? Or hey, how about the 4 straight months of colic where I survived on maybe 3 hours of sleep a night? Or, how about all the days I took off from work when you were sick, or the fact that I breastfed you for 13 months?' What a sell out.

Anyhow, I got over my disappointment, my anger, my pain. I had a long, dreary day at the office. Re-orgs suck. So does being overworked, and feeling undervalued. I left the office at 8pm. I got home at 9pm. I went to pick up the kids from my mother's house. I was dressing them to walk them out and my daughter oh-so-innocently turns to me and says "I want to be just like Fatima when I grow up".

OH REALLY? Well, what the hell? Is your mother not good enough or something? I took one look at her, and stepped out of the room. And then I cried. And cried, and cried. Honestly, I didn't see this stuff coming. The stupid ex husband I'm glad to be rid of. The children being so quick to put someone above me, I wasn't ready for. I thought they would be loyal to me for life. This is just too much. And then people ask why I am losing my faith. Well, just look at things. Is this justice?

I know I must sound like a 5 year old right now, but I am totally ticked. I would like to see this woman keep the kids and work as hard as I have. Because you know she wouldn't. Remember the time when I was a single mom day in and day out, working like a dog? Yeah, that would be now. Remember when I was appreciated for all that I do? Right, that would be never.