Music can Sometimes Take you Back

This morning I heard a song on the radio. Odd that I heard it. It's one of those random songs that you don't hear very often. I can't even remember what the song is called, or who sings it. I just know it, because it was the song that was playing in the restaurant in St Martin, on the first night of our honeymoon.

Music, scents, sounds, they can somehow take you right back to the same place, same time, same feeling, without you even realizing that it happened.

I woke up to this song playing on the radio today. When it first started, it took me right back. I could hear the ocean, I could smell the salty beach water, I could hear the people laughing and dancing around us. I could even see the girl in the skimpy red dress dancing with her significant other. And then I saw him. My ex. Holding my hand, telling me how much he loved me. Telling me how happy he was that we were finally married. Telling me how he would never ever let me cry again. How I was the most incredible woman in the world, and how lucky he was to be with me. How he wanted us to be together forever.

At that point, I realized that I was smiling, here in my bed, as I listened to that song. And then the smile faded. That was, after all, the first night of our honeymoon. Little did I know that just 48 hours later, on night 3 of our honeymoon, we would have an argument, and I would end up with what would be the first of many hundreds of black eyes. That first night was probably one of the happiest nights of my life, definitely the happiest night of that gruelling long marriage that doesn't even end after the paperwork is said and done.

Then I became aware of where I was. In my room. In the morning. Trying to wake up. Trying to get the kids off to school so I could make it in to the office in time. Trying to get my life back from this monster of an ex husband. What a waste of my life those 11 years were. I wish on night 3 of that honeymoon I had just packed my bags, flew home to Toronto and filed for divorce. Wish, wish, wish.

How stupid I was to believe him that night. How stupid I was for staying after the black eye.

When the song ended, I realized that there were tears running down my face. I don't know what I was crying for, I mean the tears over this marriage dried long ago, but here I was, yet again, just crying. Somewhere during the song, the smile that I started off with had ended in tears. My emotions this morning were probably a very accurate summary of my marriage. It started off with smiles and happiness, but ended up a mess and in tears.

I guess it's just sad. Somehow, a relationship that I thought started off very real and true, turned very quickly into something dark, sinister, and completely out of control. It's just very sad and disappointing I suppose. But I fully intend to learn from this, and not to make those mistakes ever again. He was, after all, the biggest mistake of my life.

One fear though- how do you know if you're making a mistake? I mean, I was SO sure he was the man of my dreams, SO sure nobody would ever love me more than he did. And I was SO wrong. How does somebody like that ever learn to trust her instincts again? Even if I commit not to make the same mistake, how will I ever know when I'm making it?

And that, my friends, is a very scary thought for me. I can only hope and pray I never make the same mistakes, I never walk into the same problems, and that I somehow learn how to read, and trust my own instincts.

I hope I never hear that song again.