Home Alone, Yet Underage

Getting back to the topic of my ex's idiotic tendencies, I had another issue with him a few weeks back. This one really ticked me off, to the point that I couldn't function for days. It was another one of those 'do I call the cops, or do I deal with matters on my own' situations. Yet another one. It never ends. On this note, one of the questions I still haven't been able to answer for myself is why have I not been able to contact the authorities thus far? What is my issue? I tell myself that it is because I don't want the children exposed to it, that I don't want their father to be charged, that overall it will only hurt them. While this is true, I think I have to be honest with myself and admit that there is much more to it. For whatever reason, I cannot do it. I wasn't even able to do it before the kids were in the picture, so it has as much to do with ME, with MY issues than with anything else. This is something I have to deal with somehow.

Anyhow, getting back to what happened, a few weeks ago, I was having dinner with my children. My daughter was talking about her play date with a girlfriend while she was at her father's house. It occurred to me that while she was there, my son must have been going to a play date with his friend also. So I asked him what he does when his sister is with her friend. The response is silence, as my child looks down and starts to eat faster. Anyone with children knows that this is a sure sign that something is wrong. So I ask the question again, to which I again get the same response. So I ask what they are hiding from me.

My daughter responds "we are not allowed to tell you". Not allowed to tell me what? So I explain that lying and and keeping something from your mother is a very bad thing. A mother's job is to protect her children. But I cannot protect what I do not know.

So my daughter tells me that "he stays home". As in with your father? "No. As in on his own". As in while he drops you off? "No- as in while he goes out with his friends".

So let me get this straight? Psycho man leaves my 9 year old boy home alone, unattended, while he goes out for coffee with his buddies? Seriously?!! I was infuriated. To top it off, the kids tell me I'm not allowed to tell their dad. Their dad will get mad. So I'm stuck. Protect the kids, or lose their confidence and risk them getting in trouble by their dad? I choose to protect my kids. So I tell them that I have to speak to their dad. I tell them that it is a criminal offense to leave a child home alone. I tell them that when they allow their dad to do it, they are breaking the law as well. I guess this freaked the kids out a bit (I know, it's harsh. But what else can I do? I can't control him, so I have to make the kids understand)...it's for their own good...

I spoke to a friend and told him that I was really ticked. I told him that I needed to have a chit chat with my ex. His advice was that I wait out the weekend and cool off. That if I lose my temper, it will just result in more hostility. So I wait out the weekend.

The following Monday, I call my ex. I wait until I am calm. I ask him if we can talk about the children. He says yes. Then I proceed to tell him that I have come to understand that on a few occasions, he has left our son home alone, unattended. Silence. So I proceed to say that I'm a little confused at why he would do this, after all, he only sees the children for 6 days a month, and if he has childcare issues, perhaps he can leave them with me. That I am only concerned about the children's safety and well being.

And then he blows up at me. He starts calling me a self righteous bitch and starts with all sorts of profanities. On and on. I wait for him to settle down but he doesn't. Then, after a couple of minutes of his non-stop cursing, I step in. I tell him that I have had enough. That he should be thankful that I even called him. All I have to do is call the police or the CAS. After all, what the hell do I care? I'm the custodial parent. I have nothing to lose. He continues swearing and I yell back. It turns into an all out yelling/swearing match. I end the call with "you know what? I'm sorry I called you. I should have called the authorities. I should have known not to give you the benefit of the doubt. Go to hell". And then I hang up.

Two minutes later, I get a text message asking me to calm down, so we can talk again the next day. The next day, I decide no more talking. So I email him. I basically put it in writing that I need a written commitment that he will not leave the children home alone again. And if I find out, I will immediately contact the authorities, without calling him. The response to my email comes via text message. It says "confirmed". That's a typical cover-your-ass response. I follow up with a phone call, again making it clear that I will not tolerate this again. He confirms that it won't happen again.

I leave it at that. I save the text message with the email. He might have used a different medium, but it's still evidence.

This was all a few weeks ago. Since then, I have checked in with the kids many times. They have stated that they have not been left alone since then. I believe them for now.

But rest assured, if I find out he is doing this again, I'm seriously going to lose it next time. No more mercy. (Ok, now THAT line was DEJA VU...)

Poisoning a Child's Mind

So what do you do when an ex says destructive things about the other parent? What recourse do we have in a divorce situation? There isn't a court in the country that can stop one parent from filling a child's mind with crap about the other parent. So how do we deal with these things?

Today my children came home from a weekend with their father. As soon as they got home, my son asked me what I did all weekend. I told him that I did some shopping, went to the gym, cleaned out my closets, did some laundry and watched a movie with some friends. He was quiet. I asked what was bothering him.

He said that his father told him (in confidence), that when the kids are with their dad, their mother has "sex with various different men" and that I am a "very loose woman". I cannot begin to describe how angered I am right now. I am so furious I can barely type. Firstly, I don't even know if my almost 10 year old son knows what sex is. (I am hoping he does not). I asked him if he knew what it meant and he said it meant kissing and sleeping in the same bed.

I proceeded to tell him that no, it is not true and that his father has no right to make up stories about me. He asked how he as a child can tell which parent is telling the truth (it's a fair question). I explained that firstly, the parent who tells you things in secret is usually doing something wrong (or making things up), and that he as my son should have a pretty good idea of the type of woman I am. Thirdly, I explained that IF in some way, I were doing something wrong, how the heck would his dad know about it? It's not like he's here to watch me. That was the light bulb moment for my son. Oh yeah, he says. How would he know something like that about you? Well duh.

I called my friend to vent about this. He told me that these are the things I cannot change. My ex is an asshole of the supremest degree and that is who he will always be. I will have to deal with these things as they come up. I just hope one day everything he does bites him. He deserves it. He deserves a miserable life. And yes, I am wishing it upon him. I'm angry. Kill me for venting if you don't like it.

My biggest mistake was marrying that scum of a human being. 5 and a half years after my leaving him, and he still doesn't let up. Some days, it feels like I will never have any peace. Sigh.

Your True Self, During Adversity

Someone shared an interesting thought with me today.

This person said that we all think we know who we are, but that our true self really comes out during times of adversity. It's easy to be a good person when things are going well. When we are happy, we give to charity, we are kind to others, and we forgive easier. When we go through difficulties, we have an opportunity to learn who we really are- whether we are inherently good people or not, and what our personal challenges and vices really are. We learn if we are capable of rising above, and these moments can also teach us how to understand others when they go through hardships, as we have all, at some level or another, experienced hardships of our own.

So that makes me wonder. I have learned a hell of a lot about myself over the past few years. Most of the things I can honestly say I am really proud of. I learned that I'm tougher than I think, that I can survive more than I ever thought, and that I am not a bad person. I also learned that no matter how hard life gets, it does get easier.

On the flip side, I've also learned that even good people can sometimes make mistakes, say things and do things that they may not normally do. Some of them we regret, and some of them we don't. Some we make right, and some we leave as wrong. While I can honestly say that I am not a bad person, I have also learned that I am far from perfect. I've spent the past 5 years rebuilding my life, and in the process, I have made some mistakes as well. I can be kind enough to myself not to punish myself for my mistakes, but at the same time, I've also learned that nobody gets a free ticket. We are all, after all, accountable for our actions.

So, as I continue to rebuild my life, one of the thoughts I will keep in mind the next time I face difficulty is that who I am, and who I become, is directly related to how I conduct myself during those difficult times. this makes them opportunities- to change, to better myself, and truly create the person I want to be. The best thing to keep in mind- nobody should get a free ticket. And there is karma. Mistakes are OK if we learn from them, but we do at the end of the day, all reap the rewards of our own efforts- both the good ones, and the bad ones.

Discovering the Library

I've just discovered the library!

In the day and age of all that is internet, I have avoided the library. It just seemed easier to buy books online and have them delivered to my door. No back and forth, no missed due dates, no fuss. Yes, it costs more money, but I figured that as a single mom, life was just one step easier this way. My pocketbook has recently started speaking differently.

Tonight, my son asked for another book in the series he is reading. I've bought 6 so far at $12 bucks a piece. I know there are 6 more to go, and I frankly was not looking forward to the added expense. Just as I was explaining why I couldn't buy another one just yet (while driving home after work tonight), I looked up and saw right there in front of me, the Library.

I have NEVER taken my children to the library. Today was our first time, and it was a random unplanned visit, just to save $12 and get my child off my back for a few more days.

Can I just say that I am IN LOVE with the Library?

The books cost nothing (yes I knew that), and the Library is 5 minutes from my home (I didn't know that). My kids can keep books for 3 weeks (I thought it would be one week) and the Library card costs nothing to setup (I didn't know that either).

I'm not trying to show everyone how ignorant I am, or how little I know, but wow. I grew up going to the Library (Immigrant parents don't like spending money unnecessarily on books they can read for free). I need to learn more from my immigrant parents. They were onto something!

So I am $12 richer today. And I am officially a Library lover.

Hooray for free reading!

Happy Eid 2009

So Ramadan has come and gone and Eid came and went on the weekend. I find it amazing how fast time flies.

During the course of Ramadan, I learned a few things:

1. I learned how difficult a fast becomes when you tag just a few more hours of daylight into the day (the Islamic calendar is shorter than our calendar, so Ramadan moves by almost 2 weeks every year. As it inches closer and closer to the peak of summer, the fasts are becoming increasingly harder).
2. I learned that we, as humans tend to be ungrateful. I learned this from my experience complaining about being a single mom, only to learn that others have it much harder than I do. I blogged about this experience in my last post.
3. I learned that we as humans make many mistakes in life (even the best of us), and that at some point, we have to make our wrongs right again. As long as we know when we are wrong, we are still headed in the right direction. Life is a long learning process, and the journey is not an easy one.
4. I learned that I have the best of friends. Friends that will stay by your side, even when you make mistakes.
5. I learned that a bout of bronchitis can throw off an entire week.
6. I learned that when you self medicate and try to treat everything as allergies, it doesn't work. Tip of the month- Claritin will not make you feel better if you have bronchitis. Antibiotics, on the other hand, are your best friend in this scenario.
7. I learned that when you pray really hard for something, sometimes it does come true.
8. I learned that fears can be paralyzing.
9. I learned that when you eat a cheeseburger after 14 hours of fasting, you will feel sick.
10. I learned that the thoughts in my head sometimes don't make any sense at all when I start typing.

But thanks for listening anyways. You all fall under item #4...

Kids in the Front Seat of the Car

Never debate with a child.

About 2 months ago, my son and I had a little disagreement. He claimed that his friends are allowed to sit in the front seat of the car. I told him that it was impossible, because according to the law, you had to be 13. (I know I heard this somewhere). He insisted that many of his friends did it, so they can't all be wrong. I told him the law was the law, and that I was not willing to break it.

Then he came up with a genius idea. "Why don't we drive to the police station and ask them?" This worked for me. After all, what better solution than having an officer tell him that this is indeed the law?

So, we get to the police station, I ask the officer the question, and he responds (to my son's complete joy) that there is no such law, that it is the discretion of the parent, and that in fact there have been no cases in Canada of children dying in accidents as a result of being in the front seat.

I was horrified. I even jokingly commented "You had to say that in front of the kid, didn't you?"... He gave me a sympathetic smile, and I was on my way.

The parenting rule that I learned from this is that you should not open a debate or let it go further than you are willing to go. In the event that you lose, you cannot back out and say "Because I said so". "Because I said so" only works up front. Not AFTER you go to the police station.

My son has been joyfully sitting in the front seat for the past two months. I have lost control of my radio, my ability to have some quiet me time, and most of all, I have a slightly bruised ego.

I guess mothers aren't always right....

Gratitude

God has a funny way of showing you things when you least expect it.

I got an email from my girlfriend. She wrote to me requesting some help for a family that she recently learned about. She was asking me if I might be able to help as I have a son, and maybe therefore some hand me downs that I can share with another single mom.

The single mom is blind, and has a 2 and a half year old son. Her husband left her after coming to the country and getting his Canadian Immigration. All they need is clothes for her 2.5 yr old little boy. The "ask" was for even a couple of old outfits of my son's that I can donate to this family.

I find this amazing. Just this morning, I was talking to a friend about how difficult my situation is being a working single mom with two kids, and the same day, I get shown a situation where somebody is blind, a single mom, with no money, no chance at a job, and no future. My situation would be like heaven to her. It's amazing how God shows us things when we least expect it.

Anyhow, I just thought I'd share my thought of the day. What a learning. Wow. I feel like I need to be more grateful. And I feel ashamed for even complaining for one second.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

Sending Elderly to a Nursing Home

My grandfather has been in the hospital for the past few weeks. Old age is catching up to him. He is 97 years old, and has lived a very full life. He is generally in good health. He has all his senses, he comprehends everything, and his bodily functions are all there. He was first taken to the hospital a few weeks back because of severe stomach cramps. Turns out, he has some kidney problems. His kidneys function fine, but he needs a catheter to get the urine out. He has blood clots in his body that put him at risk of a stroke. We have been told that he cannot go home, as it will increase his risks. We have been told to put him in a long term care facility. To the average person, this sounds like no big deal. For a Pakistani man, this is unheard of.

My dad is having a tough time coming to terms with this. Culturally speaking, Pakistanis follow an extended family care system. Mothers stay home to raise children, or they depend on extended family to help if they need to work full time. Parents live with their children and are cared for by them when they get older. That is the deal. Sending parents to a home is a slap in the face. It is like saying "You are too much trouble for us to care for you". It means you aren't wanted anymore. It means you are a burden.

So when the hospital tells my dad that taking his father home is out of the question due to stroke risks, he is in a real predicament. How does he help the transition to a nursing home for a man who doesn't believe in nursing homes? All my life I heard my grandfather talk about the cultural differences between the east and the west. The one he always brought up was the west's inability to repay their parents for raising them, by caring for them in their old age. And I find it ironic that of all the people in the world to have to go to a home, it ends up being my grandfather, the one person who hated this concept more than anyone else in the world.

My dad told him what the doctors said. He does not seem happy. I told my dad he should have been smarter about it. Maybe he should have told my grandfather that he was going to a rehab center to get better. It's all in the positioning.

And then there is another issue. Because there has not been a large demand for nursing homes by the south Asian community, there are very few that have south Asian residents. So that means food that grandpa won't eat (pot roast? Are you kidding me? Where is the curry chicken?). It also means no halal meat, which is a deal breaker for him.

So my dad has to find a home that allows us to bring our own food on a daily basis. Not an easy task at all.

I suspect that as more people face the issue of aging parents who need extended care, we will have more options available to us. In the meantime, our family continues the search.

It's been a long time since my last post...

Life has been crazy busy.

• My back is a mess after the car accident...doctor says that there will be some residual damage that we can't fix. That was really depressing news.
• Ramadan started just over a week ago. The days are long, and so are the fasts. While I love the holy month, I find it a bit tougher this year.
  
• My grandfather is in the hospital...he's been there for weeks. Old age is catching up to him.
  
• Kids go back to school next week, so this week is a bit hairy.

I'll blog more regularly moving forward...

My Car is Cursed

For sure. I had a car accident yesterday. Again, this was a "not at fault" accident, meaning the other guy was charged. But still. I think I'm getting superstitious. I mean, I'm a good driver and ever since I've had this car, I have not been lucky on the road. It feels like every speed demon in the world is targeting my car.

On a not-so- complaining note, I do have to be grateful that the kids were not in the car at the time. That my friends, is the silver lining.

Here is what happened.

I was driving to work, had just dropped the kids off. It was just after 9am. I got to the intersection and slowed down to stop at an amber light. It was a red light intersection and I did not want to start the day off with a ticket. So I slowed down and stopped before it turned red. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw the car behind me coming straight at me, in full speed. I watched in horror is he plowed into my car. He my car flew into the intersection. Fortunately, the oncoming traffic hadn't started yet, so I quickly reversed my car back, and he got out of his car. He was very apologetic. He said he thought I would try to go through the amber light, and so he thought he would do the same, and that he didn't think I would try to stop. I explained that it is a red light intersection and therefore a bad idea to run the light.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, he got charged, and I got injured. I mean, he was going 80km/hr full speed and didn't slow down. My bumper/trunk is all smashed up and I have a rental. My back is brutal (I have a bad back to begin with), and I am in excruciating pain. Pain killers and anti-infammatories are my best friend at the moment. I didn't go to the office yesterday or today, and I don't have any intentions of going in tomorrow.

I hope they write off the car. Maybe a new one will bring me better luck. This one seems to be a magnet for road rage drivers.

To add insult to injury, I'm wondering if by hitting my car and sending it into the intersection, will that red light camera now send me a ticket? I was stopped until he smashed me and pushed me into the intersection. Wouldn't that be a joke?

A Gift From a Friend

My friend Syd loved gardening. He loved flowers. He was one of those guys that wasn't shy about it either. I remember when I first moved into my home, I told him that the lady had just planted a rose bush, but that it only gave about 4 roses. He told me how to trim the rosebush. He explained that roses can be tough. But I never bothered doing it. I tried in year one and didn't like the prickly thorns. He laughed and explained that I needed leather gloves. I complained that it wasn't worth it. The next 2 years that followed, I got someone else to trim the rosebush. I got 7 roses each year.

This year, I decided to go out and buy leather gloves and give it a go myself. I trimmed them exactly as he explained. To my shock, about 3 or 4 weeks later, I got bunches and bunches of roses. It was like a gift from my friend.

Every time I came home and saw the roses this summer, I had to smile. They reminded me of him. He always said "All you need to do is give them a little patience, and a little love. Roses are tough, but not impossible".

From now on, I do my own rosebushes. Thank you, my friend.

Maybe a New Monday Tradition?

Last week on Monday, I decided to do something different for the summer. I decided that once a week, when I go to pick up the children from daycare in the summer, I would pick up some food, and head to a park for a picnic. Monday last week was our first outing. I picked up the kids, picked up some drive thru, and we went to the lakeshore. I had a blanket in the trunk, we spread it out over the sand and ate dinner right by the water. After dinner, I sat and watched the children skip stones in the lake. I realized that this is what summer is about.

I managed to snap this pic and just had to post it. What a beautiful evening. I intend to stick to the plan and do this at least once a week. No matter how stressful life can be, there is no feeling better than kicking off the heels, taking off the pantyhose, throwing on a pair of flipflops and sitting by the water with your children after a long day.

Now THAT was priceless.

Happy Canada Day 2009!

Hope everyone had a great day...

I wanted so badly to take my children to see the fireworks at the city hall. I got there, got a parking spot, and waited 20 mins. Then the kids started falling asleep, and getting cranky, saying they were tired and wanted to go home.

So I ended up getting in the car, turning around and coming home before they even started.

Sigh.

Next Canada Day, I'm sending them to their dad's so I can go and watch the fireworks myself.

Boxing and Bellydancing

I know...freaky huh? So my level 2 belly dancing classes start on July 8th. I am totally looking forward to them. Nothing makes you feel prettier or sexier than a few of those lessons. Even if you don't know what you're doing.

In the meantime, to keep myself busy, I decided to try out 5 boxing lessons. Not kickboxing, not cardio-boxing. I'm talking one-on-one boxing lessons with a personal trainer. Gloves, pulling punches, and getting all my frustrations out.

I have to say, it's been a blast.

I must be the first ever gal to take the two together in the same time frame.

It's my schizophrenic side taking over :)

I had to Share this...

I don't know why I liked it so much. I just did...maybe it's because in our own way, we all can relate to it...and then again, it's inspiring as well...

The Fat Mirror

I had a really funny episode in belly dancing class today. I came in a few minutes late, and so I had to stand in a different part of the room than usual. Watching myself dance in the mirror, I kept thinking "wow, I am gaining weight". Then, when it was time to dance in a circle, I kept looking at my reflection. As I moved to the other side of the room, my reflection looked better. And then I danced my way back to the original side, and it looked bad again. I realized that the reflections were different. Here is where we get a typical Shaz moment...

I stop dancing. I point at the mirror. I shout out- "Hey, that is an EVIL FAT mirror! the reflection is different!" The music stops. The teacher looks at me. I explain that the mirror is giving a fat image. All the girls are laughing. They move to the mirror and back to the other mirror. They agree. The instructor is looking at me like I'm nuts.

Sorry, but I am a hyper self-conscious person. The last thing I need is to be standing in front of the fat mirror as I belly dance. I take a skinny girl and tell her to stand in front of the fat mirror while I take her spot. All the while, the instructor is speechless, and the girls are in stitches laughing.

It turned out funny. God I love my belly dancing class. The fun never ends. It's the one time where I can be myself, laugh at myself, and feel sexy, at least for one hour.

Even if there is a fat mirror in the room...

Working with the Ex

I have to say, things feel like they have calmed down since the court case ended. Maybe it's because neither of us is working to build a case against the other. Maybe it's because we are both tired of all the fighting. Or maybe, it's the calm before yet another storm. Either way, it's a good thing for now and I'm not going to worry about it or over-think it beyond that.

Today I got a call from my son's school. It turns out he left his lunchbox on the kitchen counter. The school called me at 10:30am, saying that he didn't have a lunch. I was downtown, at work, an hour and a half away. So I called my ex. He packed a new lunch and took it to my son. No complaints. It felt good to work together.

Two weeks ago, my son was sick. The school called me at work. I called my ex. He went and picked up our son and took him home, and put him to bed. That was good also. The kids are both saying that their dad has been really great lately. My ex is giving me proof of attendance at a psychiatrist. Either way, I am grateful that he is doing better, that we are being more civil, and that the kids are doing better.

I don't know how long it will last, but I will just thank the universe for what I have been given, for as long as it lasts.

Loving the Bellydancing Classes

Today was my 10th class. I am having the best time ever. Just remember....I am the girl with NO rhythm. I can't move my body if you paid me to. For me to take a class like this is totally insane...yet at the same time, I am learning. It's taking awhile, but I am definitely learning, and having so much fun.

I've decided to sign up for level 2. My instructor says most people usually need to take level 1 twice before moving to the next level, but she told me to go ahead and move to level 2. I am so excited. So basically, this will take me right to the end of August. What fun!

You know, if you have low self confidence, there is nothing that can make you feel more attractive than an exotic dance class. It helps that it's all girls (no fear of judgment), and that the windows are blocked off so people can't watch the class from the outside. That way, nobody can watch you make a fool of yourself.

I don't know that I would ever be confident enough to belly dance in front of anyone other than my class mates (like even my girlfriends), but at least I have one place where I can have fun without being self conscious.

I wish I had a belly dancing class every night...

Mom, do you love me?

My daughter just passed me a note. It said "mom do you love me?" I said "yes honey, I love you very much". She smiled and passed me the other note from behind her back. It said "I love you too".

I smiled. And I said, you already knew my answer, but you still asked the question? To which she replied, "I know you love me. I love you too. I just like to hear it again".

I am blessed. Such a small moment but such a warm feeling.

Divorce Notes from the Oprah Winfrey Show

I watched an old PVR'd episode of Oprah the other day. Some interesting points about children and divorce:

• When you put down the other parent, you psychologically mess up your children because they feel disloyal to one parent for loving the other
• When children aren't allowed to heal in therapy, girls become clinically depressed and little boys become enraged and grow up angry
• We need to acknowledge that the kids are hurting and that it's very sad
• Kids of divorced homes are feeling the impact even when you don't think they are feeling it
• Children feel like the divorce is their fault. When there is arguing amongst parents after a divorce, it's usually over the kids, so the children are led to believe the hostility is all their fault
• Never criticize the other parent because when you do, you are criticizing your child's DNA- the only exception is when the other parent has either abandoned them or is harming them. Then you have to tell them that it is wrong for a parent to emotionally abandon or physically abuse them. It is OK to tell them that sometimes people have problems in their minds and it limits some parents from giving kids the love they deserve. Reassure them that they are huggable enough and they are terrific, and they deserve to have two parents, but that right now, they have one really loving one and they will always have that.
  
• Help the children write about how they feel and get it out and read the letter/journal entry as this will be therapeutic for them
• When there is a lot of fighting between the parents, children don't express their feelings because they don't want to add to the fighting, and this builds up over time and turns into rage
• The best thing you can do for your children is to tell them that you would like them to come to you with their problems, but if they cannot, identify two adults that they can go to that are empowered to make decisions to help them if anything major ever came up and these people are instructed to maintain their confidence (like substitute parents).
  

3 rules to follow when telling your children that you are getting a divorce:

1. Tell them together as a family about the divorce. This will be one of the moments they remember for the rest of their life, so make it as comforting as possible
2. You have about 45 seconds before a child's mind starts racing. Things to tell them:
• Mom and dad made each other very sad, we feel it is best for the family that we spend time apart
• You guys are going to spend plenty of time with both of us
• This is absolutely not your fault, you did nothing to cause this
3. Practice what you will say, and then when you say it, sit back and listen to what they have to say, hold them, hug them, allow them to ask questions and allow them to tell you how their mind is racing and what they are thinking. Children will want to know why the divorce happened. You need to give them general things that they can learn- we said nasty things to each other, we didn't treat each other as nice as we should have etc.

This made me feel kind of sad. It's like we did everything wrong in this divorce. I could use the easy excuse and say that one parent was mentally unstable, but I would rather reflect and ask myself what I could have done better. I definitely could have broken the news to them better. I also could have criticized my ex less. I did that in the context of whenever he hurt the kids though, so it's a tough balance...

Sole Custody

It's finally over. And I am so bloody exhausted. I could sleep for a year.

After 5 hrs to arguing, he consented to an order. He consented to the following:

• I have sole custody of the children
• He has access/visits with the children pending his attendance with a psychiatrist at a schedule set by the psychiatrist
• If he doesn't go to the psychiatrist all his visits will be supervised by someone that we both agree to
  
• I have the right to travel without his consent and to get passports/documents made for the children without his consent
• I can move to NYC if I wish to do so.

I always thought that when/if this moment came I would be absolutely elated. Right now, I'm just downright exhausted.

I'm sure the joy will kick in later.

A big thank you to all my friends for your love and support. I don't think I would be standing if you weren't here by my side. I love you guys :)

Tomorrow is Court

And it's weird. Tomorrow is such a significant point in time, that it's really overwhelming. See:

• If he signs a consent, it means this is all over. It also means that if he consents to things willingly, there is SOME small sliver of a hope for some sort of a working relationship in the future. If he puts up a big fight and we go to trial, there will NEVER be hope for that. I mean, the writing is on the wall. A professional has told him he has "severe mental health issues". He has been told that his abusiveness is out in the open...abuse towards me and the children. And the assessor told his lawyer that he doesn't trust him alone with the children for long periods of time. If this goes to a full out trial, I WILL win, I know it, but it will just take more time, money, and hostility.
• Part of me hopes that if he signs a consent willingly and accepts that he needs help, and goes to therapy, maybe there is a small chance that he can turn his life around and be a good father. I know it's a long shot, but that is the best outcome for everyone. For him, for the children, and for me. (I mean, geez- at a minimum, maybe he would be able to hold down a job and start paying child support!) But more seriously, I believe that if he wasn't mentally ill, he might have been a good man. And he's been horrible to me and the kids, but I attribute that to his mental illness...I know it's a long shot, but I believe there is a God, and so I have to believe that there is some form of mercy out there too.

It's weird. Tomorrow marks either the POTENTIAL reduction in hostility, or it represents an increase in hostility. I am hoping for the former. But from now on, I plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Keep your fingers crossed boys and girls....

Happy Mother's Day 2009

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there, especially the single moms...

When you are on your own, mothers day is what you make of it. Meaning, when you have a partner in your life, they make Mother's Day special. They take the kids out, buy you something, help them make breakfast for you, and pamper you. When you are on your own, it is up to you to do something special for Mother's Day, or nothing happens.

So today, I took the kids to buy flowers and chocolates for my mom. Then we took flowers to my sis in law, who is also a new mom. We had dinner at her place and came home. One day, hopefully my kids will learn from my example and remember to give me a break on Mother's Day.

Last year, Mr. NYC was involved in Mother's Day and he was sweet. This year, things are different, and so, Mother's Day had a slightly different focus. It didn't help that today is the day before court...because my mind is elsewhere.

Either way, maybe it's fitting that it's Mother's Day the day before my court date. It gives me a reminder of what I am fighting for. The past few days have not been good ones for me, but one thing that I do know is that I'm glad to have the children in my life.

Step Out of Your Past

I was watching the Oprah Winfrey show and she says that the greatest courage of all is to be able to step out of your past, out of your history and to find the ability to move forward.

My question is, how do you move forward and step out of your past when your past hasn't had closure yet? It's been 5 years, and there has still not been closure. And what if closure never comes, does that mean you never get to move forward?

I'm hoping Monday will bring closure. It's time to move forward.

5 Days to Pre-Trial

And I feel like I am emotionally unraveling. And I don't understand why. I've been to court a million times. I know how my ex can be. I kind of know what to expect. I just don't know why I can't seem to keep it together.

I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. I can't keep my composure. Not at home, not at work, not driving in my car. I just don't understand it.

Fortunately, I spoke to my boss today. I told him I am fine working, just very unusually emotional. He recommended I work from home for a couple of days so that I can give myself a bit of head space. Truthfully, I think that is the best thing for me. To stay away from anyone and everyone until I can sort myself out. For now, I feel like a stranger to everyone. Like nobody understands me anymore. Like I stand alone.

I haven't slept in days. I had one good day- Sat afternoon with friends. It took my mind off things, but only temporarily.

Sometimes I wonder if life is worth it. We go through so much, and what if this is all a big joke in the end? What if all this effort is for nothing? What if things never get better?

I'm chunking off my goals. Today's goal was to get to the end of the day. It's 10pm. Mission accomplished.

I just need to make it through each day, one day at a time.

8 Days to Pre-Trial

Our last Pre-trial date is May 11th. If we can settle matters between us before then, we avoid a full out trial and probably about $20k each. I have been trying patiently to get my ex to see that it doesn't make sense to go to trial. He has NO CHANCE of winning. In fact, chances are he will end up with alot less than what I have offered him. But see, a good friend pointed out recently that half the issue is that whenever we come to some agreements, he raises totally new matters and we end up having to deal with those.

Today I met my ex for an hour. We wanted to see if we could come to some agreements. We managed to agree on some basic matters, but had a few showstoppers. Sigh. I told him to think about things. Really and truly, if he makes this diffilcult and we go to trial, I will NEVER try to work with him on anything ever again. If he works with me this time through, there just might be a sliver of hope that the working relationship won't be between us hellish forever.

Why do I keep hoping when history has taught me not to? Because I am human. Because without hope, the only other avenue turns into despair. And so, I would rather keep hoping.

It doesn't mean I won't be smart about things, but it does mean that I'm just trusting that there has been enough darkness and that" light" has to be around the corner. It just has to. Otherwise, why even bother?

I've been teetering between that hope/despair place for 3 weeks now on several matters. It's not a good seat to be in. Not at all. And lately, in my head, "hope" has been losing. I'm tired, worn out, financially broke, and emotionally fed up.

This is my last time giving "hope" a chance. I believe there is a God. And I believe he is fair. So somewhere up there, he must know that I have had enough. With everything. Enough with the ongoing tests of faith. Enough with the tough times. Enough with the brick walls. There has to be some balance. And so I throw in a prayer and give "hope" a last chance.

So here is to hoping. Let's see where this road takes me. I dread the thought of who and what I will become if I hit yet another brick wall.

Catching up with Friends

I got an opportunity to spend time with some old friends today. It was nice. Nice to get a break. Nice to forget some recent stressors, even if just for a couple of hours.

There are a few things on my mind these days, most of which I don't really care to get into. One of these things is the upcoming court date on May 11th. My ex is giving me a hard time (again). I'm really disappointed this time, as I hoped that things would finally be winding down, but it looks like I was wrong. I may have to fully prepare for a lifetime of permanent crap where he is concerned....sigh. It looks like we may go to trial after all. What a total complete waste.

On another note, I watched this video today. Disturbing, but a good reminder of the fact that I am better off today than I ever was before, no matter what challenges come my way. Yes, he is a jerk. Yes, he doesn't pay child support. Yes, he makes life miserable. But I am still free, I am safe, and my life is still very much my own. As stressful as things have been, I need to keep this top of mind.

Need a Hug?

I had one of those days....when you really really just need a hug.

Sadly, it was one of those days when there was nobody around TO hug.

Sigh. Tomorrow is a new day.

The Rearview Mirror

Do you ever find that you are continually looking through the rear view mirror while driving forward in life?

It may be human nature to keep looking back, but the only problem with it is that you live in the past. And you have no present. And you lose a lot of direction for the future.

I might be one of those people. I've spent an enormous amount of time focusing on the crap that life dealt me. A friend recently said to me "Your past is a constant excuse that you use. It's like your "out". Shaz...your divorce is 5 years old. You cannot keep focusing on it, nor can you keep focusing on the things your ex did to you. It's time to move forward"....

5 years. I cannot believe it. He's right. 5 years have passed (well, it will be 5 years on June 9). And I am still focused on what I went through. It almost consumes my thinking at times. And really and truly, as nutty as my ex is, things are a million fold better now than 5 years ago.

I have a lot to be thankful for. A lot.

No Daycare...

So I am working from home today. The daycare is closed, school is closed, and I have nobody to watch my children. It was supposed to be my ex husband's day today, but we all know how that panned out.

Thank God I work in a flexible work place. Otherwise, I would be stuck big time.

The kids are doing well. I'm letting them watch some TV so I can get some work done. I also have arts and crafts supplies out so they can amuse themselves. I know, I should be playing WITH them, but I am working from home, and I have work to do. So they have to entertain themselves.

I'm trying to reach my lawyer also and she seems swamped. Where is a good lawyer when you need her?

My ex sent me a nasty email last night something along the lines of me being an extortionist. So let me get this straight....I let you off the hook provided we can manage things peacefully and put checks and balances into the court order to protect the kids, avoiding you getting charged and THAT makes ME an extortionist? Seriously?

The world is a messed up place.

Man...I need to talk to my lawyer....

Science Centre with the Children

I took the children to the Science Centre today. I figured we could all use some down time. I personally needed to get my mind off things and I needed the kids to just have fun. Mission accomplished. I would say they had a good day. Seeing them smile was all that I needed to feel good.

And, while I was at the Science Center, I got a call from a friend. During our conversation, he told me that I am an "awesome mom". I don't know if I believe that, but I have to say that it felt good to hear it today. He doesn't even know what has transpired over the past few days, as he is traveling and I didn't want to ruin his trip. Still, just hearing it was very reassuring. Especially now, given this weekend's events.

Tonight's goal, now that the children are in bed, is to draft the letters to my lawyer outlining this weekend's events and next steps for court.

SIGH.

Taking Matters into my Own Hands

I had a lot to think about over the past few days. This was really and truly a tough one for me. The children wanted to protect their dad as much as possible. I wanted to protect the children. On the one hand, there is the side to me that says that the best protection for the children is to keep their dad away from them. On the other hand, I know full well that they love their father, and while keeping him away would physically protect them, it would emotionally hurt them. So my only solution is to find an option that helps facilitate a healthy and safe relationship between the children and their father. Ironic that I am the one working so hard to achieve this.

Along these lines, if I press charges against my ex for his recent conduct, two things would happen.

1. I would potentially lose the children's trust because they asked me not to
2. He would get charged

Now at a surface level, it looks great for me, and for my court case if he gets charged. But on another level, if he gets charged, it will impact his ability to find employment. Which will impact the conditions he lives in when the children are with him. Which impacts his mental health/state of mind. Which directly impacts my children's well being.

Another thing is that the last time I called the CAS, they did nothing. The police let him off with a warning. The CAS refused to even go to court for me. They gave him 6 months of supervised access and them let him off scott free. They achieved nothing at all. So it's really a tough call. And if I don't call them, I look negligent. But I need to protect my children.

So I took matters into my own hands. And I handled it my own way. Here is what I did:

1. I photographed the bruises
   
2. I called a close friend and had him come to see the children. He inspected the bruises and spoke to my children and heard their stories first hand. He will email me to document the incident and if ever the need comes up, I can ask him to sign an affidavit.
3. I spoke to my ex and got him to send me a written confession of what he did. I told him that I did not intend to use it to press charges, but I did intend to use it for court IN THE EVENT that he denied any wrong doing or tried to position himself as a "changed man". So if we go to court, he either has to agree to a treatment plan, or I get to tell the court that he hurt the children yet again, and let the court decide. His written confession is my proof that he admits the events did occur.
4. I told my ex he is not to see the children until further notice. Meaning, he has to commence seeing a psychiatrist and I want reports that he is in weekly therapy/or under medication. Once I get reports, his access can resume
5. He is to take anger management and parenting courses.
6. He is to agree to the assessor's recommendations at our May court date. Meaning, he has to consent to my getting full custody, to his need for a psychiatric treatment plan as a condition to his access to the children and he has to agree that I have the right to revoke his access should his conduct be detrimental to the children. And, the court order will be police enforceable.
   

He agreed to my terms. Really, he didn't have a choice. If he decided to go against them, I would have called the police.

So, I think in my opinion, I got as much out of it as I would have if the CAS were involved. In fact, possibly more, because they have been most unhelpful in the past.

And I avoid a trial. Which means May 16th may really and truly be the end of all this.

And really, he is better off this way too, as he won't get charged. But he has to bend and accept me as the full custodial parent.

Overall, I think the children will win. Their father will be forced into a treatment plan which is good for them. I will have the authority to protect them as I see fit. (Also good for them). They have a chance for a healthy relationship with their dad. Also good for them.

I'm hoping the kids are best off this way.

Some of you will judge me for not calling the police. But what would I achieve? I would win the court case by a landslide, but my ex would be mentally worse than ever. And that wouldn't be good for the kids.

Walk a day in my shoes everyone. Then and only then will you understand my predicament. I just hope I made the right decision. I will call my lawyer on Monday and see what she says about all this.

But either way, I have a clear conscience. I have been really and truly trying to act in the best interests of my children. I made some tough decisions. From my own perspective, after everything he did to me, I would have loved nothing more than to have him charged. After all, I should have had him charged 15 years ago. But that would be me acting for myself. I really believe that the children are better off this way, and that's why tonight I will sleep well. My conscience is clear.

The Cycle Continues...

Ironic that just yesterday I was writing about abusive men, and now this...

Today I went to pick up my kids from the daycare and I noticed a bruise on my son's cheek. I froze. This totally felt like deja vu. I asked him what happened to his face. He said that he fell off his bike and banged into a pole. I said that it was an interesting story but that a pole doesn't leave a mark like that. The mark after all, looks like finger marks.

I'm sorry guys. You know my history. I was an abused wife. You can't pull that "I banged into something" crap with me. I used those lines for 11 years. I know them inside out and I can smell a rat a mile away.

So I ask my son if he would like to tell me the truth. No comment. So I ask if anyone hurt him. He whispers "My dad. But he told me not to tell you. He said you would call the police and I would never see him again. He said you would make us go back to the Children's Aid Centres and we hate that place. We want to give him one more chance. He said he was really sorry".

So this is a lovely predicament.

Do I:

• Bust the man's sorry ass by calling the CAS and having yet another social worker and yet another policeman come to see my children? Doing so will mean that the children won't get to see their dad for some time, will blame me for it, and will likely not trust me with information the next time they need to turn to someone. I know I am the parent and I have to look out for them, but I also need to build their trust. I don't want him to get away with this, and at the same time I know this is his pattern. He needs to be stopped or he will keep doing this.
• Document the issue via email to my ex, email to my lawyer, but not call the police? If I do this, he gets away with it, which is totally unacceptable, but the children trust me the next time they have to confide in someone. And what if (God forbid) the next time it is something bigger/worse?
  
• Call a doctor (I tried, but they are closed for the long weekend). Note that a doctor/walk in would call the CAS, so if I go this route I might as well just call the CAS myself. Mind you, if I wait until Monday, the bruise will be gone, so whatever I do will have to be done tomorrow.
  

My head is spinning right now. I am totally enraged at what has happened. I'm leaning towards calling the Children's Aid Society in the morning, and dealing with the children's backlash (anger towards me) afterwards. In the meantime, my ex called me. I took the call and told him off. I basically told him that:

• He will not be seeing the children this weekend
• His conduct is unacceptable. I left our marriage to protect the children and I fully intend to continue doing so.
• I told him that I have no choice left but to call the authorities in the morning.

He of course said he was sorry, don't call the police, we can work this out, blah blah blah.

I told him I need to think. But in the meantime, if he wants me NOT to call the police, he can send me an email documenting what he did to our son and what steps he intends on taking to make sure it doesn't happen again. That way, at least I have it in writing, should I need it in court.

He was quiet. I told him either he sends me the email or I call the police and he has until morning to decide.

Honestly, we go to court again May 16. I really don't need this crap in my life. I thought things were just starting to take a turn for the better. Unfortunately, it looks like this is the reality of my life.

Damn the stupid courts for doing nothing. And the stupid CAS has done nothing in the past (which is why I hesitate to call them and expose my children to their useless bullshit that goes nowhere and does nothing but add grief to their lives). And the police have not helped. After all, they are the ones who did not press charges last time. So he got off the hook, my kids went through hell for nothing, and my ex walked.

If I call them again, will they just do the same? Will it be unnecessary grief for nothing again?

Everyone sucks. The system sucks. I'm so frustrated right now.

Interviewing Abusive Men

I watched another Oprah episode tonight. OK I PVR Oprah so I watch them later on, which is why sometimes my blog posts are not aligned with the show of the day...

Anyhow in this show, she interviews abusive men. I actually feel physically ill just watching this. The guys on this show are totally disgusting, and they talk just like my ex husband. I'm hearing things like:

• I feel bad when I hit her, but I lose control. I just black out (ya right, black out from what? Your assholeness??)
• I get tunnel vision when I get mad and I just lose control
• I feel the need to get in control and the easiest way is to take control of my wife
  

I mean come on, these people are in serious need of therapy. And one girl on this show is still with her husband. She says if he hits her again, she will leave. I mean, this girl is ME. She has been in the relationship for years, and for some reason, she is riding the "one more chance" wave. I say no more chances. He won't change. Leave while you can. Keep a packed duffel bag in your closet with a change of clothes, a credit card, some cash, some toiletries. I did that. It was that duffle bag that saved me when I finally left. Think about it. When the day comes when you do leave, you likely won't have the time to pack your things. So if you're in an abusive relationship and you are planning to leave, keep a packed bag ready and waiting. I even kept cash in my desk drawer at the office in case I needed it.

Anyhow, there was another point that got to me. All of these men had witnessed abuse in their lifetime. Some experienced child abuse, most witnessed their mothers being abused.

So what about my children? They experienced abuse. My 3 year old son once witnessed his father hurting me. Will he grow up to be an abuser too? What does it take to break the cycle of abuse? Will a mother leaving a bad marriage and teaching you that abuse is unacceptable be enough to break the cycle? Did I do enough to break the cycle for my children, or will they still need help?

It's a tough call. I mean, they seem well balanced, and they are very well aware that our marriage ended because of "how their dad is". I never told them he was abusive, but they know how he was with them, and they know he had to have done something very bad to me for me to leave. And when they get older and ask, I may just answer. But is that enough to stop the cycle? To have one parent who is adamantly against any form of violence? I certainly hope so. Otherwise, I won't have accomplished everything I was hoping to accomplish when I left. Yes we are physically safe, but I need the children to be emotionally safe, as children, and as adults.

SIGH. The things that keep me up at night...

Friends with the Caretaker

Over the past few years, I have had the opportunity to get to know my children's school staff very well. Over the most recent 2 years, that also includes Violet, the school caretaker/janitor (I don't know what the politically correct term is, but you know who I am talking about). Recall that my son has ADHD. What that means is that on occasion, especially when he is not on medication (like at this time), he will forget things at school. Homework, textbooks, gloves, shoes, the works. In the case of homework, I get the joy of making late evening trips back to the school, getting the custodian to open the classroom door and sifting through my son's desk until we find the missing work. Sigh. The oh-so-many-joys of parenting.

Tonight, at 7:30, I went to the school and went through the routine. We went through my son's disaster of a desk, in which I found his last assignment. The one I took 4 hrs to do with him. And also the one (so he tells me tonight) that he couldn't find, forgot to hand in, and consequently got a zero on. Double sigh. Oh the joys of raising a child with ADHD.

So I leave the assignment on the desk and come home and email the teacher. Hopefully he will see the assignment and give him partial marks? I am so tired sometimes of doing all this work, packing backpacks only to have the child lose the assignment IN HIS DESK. Come ON!

Anyhow, the homework is now done, the email has been sent, and life is normal again. My son has lost some privileges, which I feel bad doing because of the attention deficit, but I feel I have to do or he will use it as his excuse for life. He may have ADHD, but that is an explanation, not an excuse. It means that he needs to work harder than other children at being organized. It means he needs a stricter routine, and yes, it may mean the medication is the solution. It means when he is off his meds, his desk will likely end up in disarray, but it also means that he needs to strengthen the skills so he can do a better job of keeping on top of it.

I will go back to the pediatrician in June and see what the next steps are with respect to medication. But in the meantime, he has to do better with organizational skills. We can't let everything keep sliding.

Anyhow, thank God for the caretaker. She just smiled and said "Little boys. Some need reminders to stay focused, and others don't. But all little boys are good kids". She reminded me that it happened a lot less this year than last year, and that he is a nice boy with a good disposition.

Silver Lining. Thank you Violet. For your patience, and understanding.

Something for me...

I think it's been years since I've done something for me. It's funny...as a single mom you get so caught up in doing the work, that you never have time for yourself. A friend recently asked "so what are your hobbies?". Truthfully, I felt kind of sad. I mean, I don't have the time for hobbies. I try to go to the gym 3x a week (OK, I end up going 2x cuz I don't have the time). But I don't LOVE it. I go because I kind of have to.

I enjoy spending time with friends, but I don't call that a hobby. I enjoy shopping, but that's not a hobby either. And I watch Oprah. That's my life. That and of course the children. I'm not saying I'm a bore. I mean I've dated, I have great friends, but I don't have a hobby.

So this week, I signed up for a (don't laugh) belly dancing course. It's something that I've wanted to take for years. Really. Like 10 years, but never had the guts to do it.

And I loved it. I suck at it, but I loved it. What fun. I should have done something like this a long time ago. I'm probably the only girl in the class with zero rhythm, but it is loads of fun. Nothing like 20 girls in a class laughing their butts off while, well, shaking them too :)

I've decided that when this is over, I'm taking another class. Maybe belly dancing. Maybe something else.

Hooray for hobbies :)

Oprah's Show on Domestic Violence

If you go back to a man that hits you, it is because you don't think you are worthy of being with a man who won't. If you are raised to really love yourself and think you are a wonderful person, somebody hitting you is really offensive to you.

-Oprah Winfrey

It was an interesting show. She talked about some of the key signs to look for:

• Guys who are nicer to you in public than when you are in private (the world thinks he is great, but you know he is not)
• When you get paranoid that he will love someone else
• When you are blamed for all his problems
• When he has a super nice side and a super dark side (they are never 100% bad 100% of the time)
• If your partner vets who you can hang out with and who you can spend time with
• Threats "if you REALLY loved me you would have done xyz"
• Making you feel guilty for everything
• Insisting on sex all of the time
• Reading your text messages

But you know, all these signs aren't always there. I think the key is that something has to feel wrong. If you know you can't talk about it with your family/friends, it's wrong.

And you know, the bigger issue is that there is so much judgment around domestic violence, even towards the one being abused. The abuser is seen as a jerk. So if you are hoping that you will work things out, you won't tell others because he will be tainted for life. The one being abused is seen as pathetic, with no self respect.

All around, it's a rough spot to be in. In my opinion, you need to be confident about a few things when you leave:

1. He won't get better on his own
2. He will hit you again
3. This is unacceptable to you
4. Your safety comes first, not matter what it costs.

When a woman realizes these things, she will be better prepared to face the battle when she leaves. And yes, it is always a battle...

On Second Marriages

Second marriages, or even long term committed relationships after a divorce are really tricky. As a person, you are scarred, and somewhat (or in my case, majorly) jaded from your first experience. Trust does not come easily and love, well, real love is difficult because your guard is permanently up. The second time through, you are so fixated on getting your order right, that you may not see what is happening around you. And sometimes, when the order arrives, you realize that you didn't have it right, and you start to wonder if you even know what you want to order.

In my community, when I got divorced just 5 years ago, I was one of a rare breed. I didn't know many other divorced desi women, and certainly not any with children. I had to face the judgement of a community, the pity, and the disgrace upon my family. And at that time, sadly, I still felt that having a husband next to me would define my success. So I started my search for a long term relationship, met a wonderful man, and thought "see, I am worth something, even if I am divorced".

But here is what has changed. In 5 years, I have grown independent in some ways. I am stronger in many ways, and emotionally dependent in others. And the judgement? Well, it's no longer there. I am no longer one of a rare breed. As (quite sadly) marriages crumble around me, I am finding one thing that works to my benefit. I am no longer "that divorced girl with the children". I am me, a part of a larger, growing group of women, and surprisingly, I am now respected. Respected because the community knows I am a good mother. Respected because I am not freeloading off anyone. Respected for being independent. And yes, respected and appreciated by my children.

I no longer need the man crutch in order to face society.

That brings another question. What do I really want?

I want a meaningful relationship that is about us. I want one that allows me to keep myself, to be the independent woman I have grown to love, while nurturing the emotionally needy side of me too.

I want someone who understands me. But I am not willing to gamble my life again. I had one new beginning. I will not risk this one to start a new one. Marriages are hard enough. In fact, they are work. Lots of work. And they are risky. Very risky. In a world where the divorce rate is 50% for a first marriage and even higher for a second marriage, second marriages are a very risky venture indeed.

So when do you know when to gamble, and when to cut your losses? It all depends on your risk tolerance. And here is what I know about myself. I am risk averse. I am not willing to gamble on something that is not a sure thing, or something that adds risk to my already delicately balanced life.

So whatever I do, wherever I go, it needs to fit into the new me. The me that is independent. The me that likes her alone time and loves her hang-out-with-good-friends time. The me that likes to keep some of her finances separate. The me that doesn't want to be questioned when disciplining the children.

The me that I am growing to love.

Even when I make mistakes, or bad choices in life, I know I will be stronger because of them in the end.

March Break in NYC

I took the kids to NYC for March break. They had a nice time. I on the other hand, came back very tired. But that's another story.

One thing that was most noticeable to me was how quiet Manhattan has become. It's a ghost town. Seriously. I was on Wall Street near the AIG building at 3pm on a workday and I was the only person on that street for like a block. I mean, we are talking WALL STREET. I think we as Canadians haven't fully grasped just how lucky we are not to be hit that hard. Keep your fingers crossed everyone.

Anyhow, I ended up doing a lot of touristy things, because it was the first time my kids were there. They had fun, and I guess that is what really matters. I had other emotional matters to deal with, and I'm getting there. Like I said, that is another day's post.

I have never been happier to be back at work than I was today. I'm SO GLAD to be home again. I love my bed, my job, my home, and you know what? My life is not nearly as bad as I sometimes allow myself to believe. Yes my ex is a dumbass. But things are slowly getting better. Each month is better than the last, and it's probably the first time in years that I can say that.

So for now, I'm just going to count my blessings and learn to be content.

The Sharing Club

My daughter came home today with a story about what a horrible day she had at school. On Friday, she was telling me about the "sharing club" her desk-mates started in school. They got out some pencil cases and pooled all their school supplies together. I thought it was kind of cute. Today, she came home and told me she had a rough day, that the kids decided to end the sharing club. She then went on to tell me about how mean they all were and how they were talking about having a party and not inviting her, basically isolating her from the group. My first instinct was to agree- those kids are mean! I felt offended that someone could be so cruel to MY daughter. And then I decided to listen more. Ask more questions.

So why were they all mean to YOU? What happened?
They all ganged up and acted mean for no reason at all. I think they are just mean bullies. I never want to go to school again!

Why did they end the sharing club? Was it one person who ended it? Why didn't the other 3 of you just keep it going?
They all ended it for no good reason.

How did this all start? Let's try this in steps. What was step one? Was everyone working?
Yes. And I was just trying to do my work.

What do you mean "trying to do my work", did you not want to play with them today or something?
No I was the last one finishing my school work and they were talking. That was step one. So I got mad and told them to be quiet while I finished and I made a mad face. That was step two. Then they got mad at me and ended the sharing club and told me they didn't want me to play with them ever again. That was step three.

Right. Now I get it...the story starts off with her as the innocent one, but maybe there was some room for improvement on her side!

So why did you get mad at them? Could you really not focus, or were you feeling left out that they were done first?
It's not fair that they get to have fun while I have to finish my work.

So, do you think you were feeling a little left out or jealous maybe?
Left out, but not jealous.

Hmm. That must have been difficult for you. Is there anything that could have been done differently to make it all better?
They could have not ended the sharing club.

That's true. I have to agree with you there. But why do you think they did that?
They were mad at me for getting mad at them.

How do you feel?
Mad and sad.

Hmmm. I'm sorry honey. I wish I could help. Is there anything we can do to fix things?
I could try saying sorry (OK guys- when she said this, I was thinking WHHHAAT? YOU DIDN'T APOLOGIZE FOR GETTING MAD AT THEM???)

That might help. Good idea Mary! That just might do it. And, is there anything else we can try next time, maybe to avoid this from happening again?
Like what mommy?

I don't know, maybe next time you need to concentrate you can try to say "Is it OK if I please have one minute to focus and finish on my work?"
Yeah, if I did that they might not have ended the sharing club.

True. Might be worth a try if you ever need to focus next time. Good thinking Mary! And hooray! You have a solution for tomorrow!
Yes...I'm going to apologize. Thanks mom. Do you think they will put the sharing club back?

I don't know honey, but I do think it is worth a try...

Learnings for today:

1. When your kids tell you a story, listen really carefully.
2. When your child tells you about how they were wronged, make sure that they didn't miss something that they did to contribute to the situation.
   
3. Don't be quick to assume that the other kids are the ones being unfair to your child.
   
4. Let your child feel like he/she is solving her own problems.
5. Let your child own the problem
6. Coach your child around how to fix the problem.

Now if only I could do for my life what I teach my daughter to do for hers. I need to take my sharing club problems to someone!

So Far, Not Going to Court is Not Working...

I've been nice. I've tried to avoid court. I've tried working with my ex to save money. I've spent tens of thousands on legal fees already. But it just doesn't seem to end.

We had a mediation session to see if we could try to settle out of court before going to trial. Our lawyers were both there. We were there. The assessor was the mediator. The basis of discussion was using his report and recommendations as a starting point. And it went pretty much as could be predicted.

My ex started off by saying that he would like to dispute both main decisions. IE- That I should not get full custody and that I should not be allowed to go to NYC. Thank God for the assessor. He interrupted and told my ex that we should all leave and just go to court, that he would not compromise his report and that his suggestions were a starting point for discussion, meaning small negotiations, but not up for debate.

Then my ex made the following demands:

• If I go to NYC, he would get even more time in the summer with the children. Meaning 6 weeks instead of 4 weeks. I complied.
• If I go to NYC, he wants the right to come 2x each month to visit the kids. I hesitated, and then agreed to it, mostly because I felt that if he was willing to go out of his way to see the kids, and since they are his kids, I shouldn't stop him.
• Then he wanted ME to pay for his trips to NYC. My answer- no bloody way. I mean, I have visions of the jerk billing me for first class airline tickets or something. I don't bloody think so.
• Then he requested NOT TO PAY child support. This was insane. Then my lawyer pointed out that he doesn't pay child support today. She pointed out that it sounds like I'm giving up alot, but am I really? She pointed out that he hasn't paid support for a year. He is for all purposes, a deadbeat dad. He keeps getting fired from one job to the next, and pays $800 a month for a car but can't find support money for his kids. And because he is a contract worker, his salaries are not easy to garnish. I had a really hard time with this. And then in the interest of not going to court, I hesitantly agreed to consider it.

And then to my surprise, he said he wanted time to think about it.

When I spoke to Mr. NYC that night, he was shocked. He could not believe that a dad would actually not want to pay support. And here is how great Mr. NYC has been- he said "Shaz, I have NO PROBLEM supporting your children. I promise to treat them as my own. If this is the route you want to go (meaning not taking child support), I'm here. I will support you 100%, no matter what you decide". My heart melted.

Then the next day, my ex called me. He says "IF you want me to settle out of court, then you have to SWEETEN THE DEAL for me more, FINANCIALLY. Meaning, I want more money from you". What? Are you fng serious? I just let you get away with no child support you good for nothing worthless son of a bitch. And now this? Seriously, some men should be forced to be castrated. They shouldn't be allowed to father kids, because they have NO CONCEPT of responsibility.

I took a deep breath and told him that he could take his request and shove it up his ass. I will see him in trial. And by the way, there isn't a court in the country that will let him get away without paying child support. He had the best deal on the planet and he got greedy. So GO TO HELL. I am NOT AFRAID and I will see your sorry ass in court. His answer "Oh, so you're going to take a gamble and assume that the courts will let you move to be with your beloved NYC guy?"

Hell ya. Lemme think about this. You beat the kids, you don't pay child support, you're documented as mentally ill, off your meds, and you stalk me. Oh ya and a seasoned professional recommends to the courts that I get to go as it would be IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN. I would say I have a pretty good chance of getting to where I want to go. See you in court buddy.

NO MORE MERCY.

I am so beyond disgusted.

Male/Female Relationships

I have a lot of male friends, and so I've had the luxury of observing men for a long time. I've learned a few things that are almost always true of just about every guy I have ever known.

1. Men are always drawn to the most beautiful girl in the room. They might say "looks are not important, personality matters more", but at the end of the day, the sexier the girl, the more they are drawn to her. It's harsh, but it's true, because men are superficial for the most part.
   
2. You will have to give up your guy friends one day- Guys will get really excited when they start dating, and they will lose sight of the world around them. Trust me on this, I've known a lot of men, and over time, this has always been the case. When they need you, you're their best friend. But best friends are replaceable so easily, especially when there is another girl in the picture. Single men make awesome friends. The best ever. But guys in relationships are not the best of friends, unless their current relationship is a well established one, like it's been around for years. With single male friends, you ultimately have be prepared to step aside for a few years when they meet someone. And then, one day, when (or if) they need you again, they will come back to you and tell you how much they missed you, what a great girl you are, and how you their best friend ever. So, the problem with male friends is that their friendships are not the ones that can last a lifetime. No girlfriend will share her guy and no female friend will ever be worth holding on to. So you have to be fully prepared to give them up one day. A male can very seldomly be a female's lifelong friend. Men can be friends with females for periods of time, but that's pretty much it.
   
3. The girls they marry are often different than the ones they date. Now I don't know why this is true, but it is 100% true. It's like they can date a girl for a pretty face, or to fool around, or as an arm trophy, but when they marry, it's a different kind of girl. As a woman, you have to ask yourself which girl you are, and which girl you want to be. No judgments, because marriage etc is not for everyone. In my experience, the way your male friends treat you will tell you which girl you are. If they think you are a flirt, you will find out. If they think of you as respectable, you will find that out too. Just observe their behavior. It's very telling, and a good learning.

Really, my experience in life, and I'm coming to a real turning point I think, is that men and women cannot really be close friends. See, something always goes wrong. Either her presence around too many men will scare off potential dates, or feelings will develop between her and one of her male friends, or she will be seen by the world as one big gigantic boy toy and the world will fail to take her seriously.

So the problem is, what happens if you're one of those girls who just doesn't fare all that well with female friends? Females are, by nature, very catty, manipulative, competitive and often times they are not sincere. Now I'm not saying ALL women are like this, but I have seen many in my day. I personally, have been one of those girls who fared better with male friends than female friends. I do have a handful of the best female friends that this world has to offer, but I also have double that number in male friends.

My personal issue is that my male friends either scare away the guys who would otherwise be interested in me, or their presence sometimes makes the world think I'm just a flirt, or they meet someone, get self absorbed, and I kicked to the side. While I should see this coming, historically, I have not, and so I get a shock each and every time it happens. DUH! The mature thing to do is to accept this as part of life. After all, nobody has twisted my arm into keeping these friends. These were my choices, and so the consequences are mine to bear.

So how does a girl reconcile these issues? One thought I had recently was gay men. I have a few gay friends. Those relationships are deliciously between female friends and male friends. You get the shopping buddy you get in a girl, the compliments you get with a guy and no competition, no cattiness, etc. A nice balance indeed. And here's the good news- they will never hit on you. It's a 100% safe relationship!

I'll stop my rant. This new year has been a massive year of change for me, especially where friends are concerned. I learned some "truths" about many friends I was not expecting to learn, but for the most part, I think the learning has been good for me. I've learned about 5 sets of friends and the lessons have, for the most part, been good for me.

My horoscope said that this was going to be my year of personal learning, and self development. I would say my horoscope for the year was right.

The Doormat

Doormats are one of the many things we take for granted. Think about it. Doormats are relatively cheap, and they are easily replaceable. They serve a good function. We wipe our feet on them before we enter our homes so that we don't bring dirt into our living space. And over time, one use after the next, the doormat wears down until eventually it starts to fray and then falls apart. Then we go out and buy a new doormat, without even a second thought.

And then, there are people that are very much like doormats. Actually, they allow themselves to become doormats. I think I am one of those people. I am dependable. I am always there for my friends. I am often taken for granted. People often feel they can mistreat me, knowing full well that I will be OK eventually, because I will forgive their indiscretions and move on. They feel it's OK to ask me to take care of them, to give them an ear, to do things for them, to build resumes for them, to cook for them, to care for them, to drive them around, to listen to their whining until obscene hours of the night. And then, despite all that, they feel it's OK for me to be kicked aside according to their schedules, expecting to be able to welcome me back according to their schedules. Because Shaz is cool. Shaz is dependable. Shaz is, after all, the ultimate doormat.

But it doesn't work that way. It shouldn't work that way. I am tired of being a doormat.

You see, abuse comes in many forms. It's not just being punched in the face and thrown down a flight of stairs. That is the obvious abuse. But abuse can be emotional too. It can be as simple as being mistreated emotionally, or as big as being mistreated physically. But here is the thing. We take physical abuse seriously, and minimize emotional abuse. Here is what we don't think of. The average bruise takes 6 days to heal (trust me, I know what I am talking about). How long does an emotional bruise take to heal? Trust me - it can be weeks, months, years.

Emotional abuse is harder.

So who do we blame? Ultimately, we should blame the one who is abused.

There is one thing that can stop abuse. And it's not selfishness. It's self respect.

A selfish person is the one who will put themselves above everyone else. They are the ones who profit by treating others as doormats. None of us should aim to be selfish. On the other hand, a person who has self respect will care for others in the way they would wish to be treated, but they will not allow themselves to be anyone's doormat.

So, if you find yourself being the doormat, the missing link in the equation is self respect. Self respect will allow you to walk from disrespectful relationships. Whether it is family, friends, lovers, whatever. And not only will you walk, but you will walk without feeling hurt, because you will know you did it for the right reasons. The truth is that if you have enough self respect, you will know how you wish to be treated and you will not allow yourself to be mistreated. Nor will you pathetically run back to those who mistreat you.

In my experience, this does not mean that we don't forgive. But it does mean that we don't forgive the same mistakes over and over again. And especially not if those mistakes come from the same person.

So, along the theme of great learnings around friendships, I am adding the self respect goal to my goals for this year.

No more being the doormat. This will be a damned good year for my personal growth. Let's see what I evolve into by the end of the year...

Time...

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.

I find life interesting. We go through phases in life. Some are better than others. But no matter how you try to re-create something from your past, you cannot do it. When a chapter in your life ends and a new one begins, that is both and ending and beginning, but never a repeat.

And you can never re-create the past. You can have the same players in a situation, the same context, but never the same ending.

So enjoy each moment as you live it, learn from the lessons you are given, and cherish the happiness while you have it.

Life is about the journey, not about the end result.

A Weekend on my Own

The kids are gone to their dads. It turns out they will be there for the next 4 weekends. I had to give my ex two of my weekends in exchange for his March break time with the kids.

So here I sit...

I had good intentions. I felt like going to the gym. But I didn't sleep well last night...went to sleep at 4am, woke up at 8am, so the gym is out of the question.

I feel too tired to get up and make breakfast. I think I'm in a lazy mood. I had other good intentions like cleaning the house, doing my paperwork, but I don't feel up to that either.

Thankfully, my sister will be coming by today, so I will have some company. Maybe I will gather up enough energy to make it to Starbucks for a latte to wake me up. A good friend mentioned Red Bull the other day. I've never had one, but if there was a time to try it, this would be a good one!

Today I am just exhausted. Mentally and Physically. Sigh.

On the plus side, I picked up a pink Netbook yesterday. I didn't have a home computer and it was time for me to get one and stop using the office computer. Next step-to get all my personal crap off the office computer and onto this one. Hoping to get to that tomorrow...

Hot and Cold Ex Husband

My ex husband is so often all over the map. It confuses the heck out of me. One minute I'm getting nasty emails, the next minute I get crazy displays of affection. Don't get me wrong. I prefer it much more when he is pleasant, it's just that I never know what to expect. Will the real personality please stand up so I can plan my life accordingly???

Today we were at my son's appointment together. We were both surprisingly civil. It was actually a big relief. We walked out to the parking lot together. Just as I was leaving, he asked me how the kids behaved on our trip. I told him they did really well. I told him I started the trip with ground rules. Do two hours of homework on the way there, and two on the way back, and the rest of the time can be used for TV and video games on the plane. It worked marvelously. They complied without arguments.

I looked up. He smiled. And then he said, "See, it's so easy to see why they love you so much".

HUH?

I looked at him suspiciously. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I really get why they love you. It's easy to see. You're good with them".

"Ok. Well, thanks for the vote of confidence. Take care."

Total twilight zone.

NYC in March

I just booked a trip to NYC over March break for myself and the children. No, I have not given him an answer to the marriage question. I've decided that I want to see how the children (well all 4 children, including his little ones) fare living together for a week. Let's see how that goes.

I know- I have taken the longest time to make a decision. But you see, if he was coming here to live, this would be a no-brainer for me. I would say yes and we would be fine. The issue for me is packing up my life and starting over in a foreign place with a crappy economy to boot. I mean, over here, I have a job. And a house, and family. Over there, I start from scratch. It's not the person, it's the circumstances.

I will figure all this out eventually. In the meantime, off to NYC!

No More Meds

Well this was an interesting twist. I took my son for his appt with the pediatrician today. We wanted to do a checkpoint of how things went with him off the meds. To be honest, the first 3 days were a bit hairy and then they tapered off. I spoke to the teacher and he didn't see a massive change. He saw a drop in focus in SOME subjects but not all. My son gained half a pound which is good because he lost too much weight while on the meds. And he is much more pleasant.

The doctor's suggestion- leave him off the medication indefinitely. I was really shocked to hear this. He said to come back in June with the report card and we will decide if we need to put him back on at that time. I asked why the decision, and he said that aggression is NOT a good side affect. That we don't want to ignite Oppositional Defiance Disorder while trying to treat Attention Deficit Disorder.

In my mind, I think the tidbit of information I shared about the dad being bipolar may have had something to do with it. I'm going to do more research, but my guess is that maybe there are other longer term side effects with Adderol that may not be good if the genetics have the potential for other disorders, but that is just a guess.

In the meantime, I'm OK with him being off the meds, just a bit shocked. I guess there is no harm in watching over the next few months to see how he does in school. If we need to put him back on meds, it won't be adderol, it will be the other medication.

More updates in June I guess. I've got my fingers crossed, hoping he does OK without them.

Friendships

I learned something very true about friendships recently. It's actually given me some peace. While sad, it's true...

Friendships are all different. Friends are brought to our lives with different intentions. Each one serves a different purpose. When that purpose is fulfilled, they move away from you.

That explains why some friendships are so real for a short time, and then fade away. It also explains why some friends are friends for life, the kind that you may not see every day, but when you do, you can trust them with anything. Some are fun friends to hang out with, but they will not be there for you when the chips fall.

I learned a lot about friendships already since the start of 2009. And you know what? It's actually liberating. You can realize that you can't hold onto everyone or everything. You can't please everyone all the time. You cannot keep what is not meant to be yours. You are only entitled to what you are entitled to and the rest will move on.

Nothing that is meant to be yours in this world will pass you by, and nothing will stop for you if it is not meant to be yours.

This is true for many things, but also for friendships. When you think of things in these terms, you will start to see things differently. Everything has a life span, and everything renews when that span ends.

People will come and go from our lives. New ones will enter, old ones will leave, and some will stay forever strong. But at the end of the day, instead of wasting time stressing, it's just better to thank those around you for the contribution they have made to your life. Thank them, learn from them, and move onto whatever is coming your way next.

Like I said, it has all been really liberating....

Trip To Disney

We just got back last night from our trip to Disney World. I can honestly say that it was a great trip. The children were on the best behavior I have ever experienced in my life, and that made the entire trip a whole lot better for me. I had expected that with my son off his medication, things would be really difficult, but he actually was in really good spirits, and was very calm the whole time. The children had a blast and so did I. I really enjoyed their company, and I can honestly say that I enjoyed just being a mom. I even turned my blackberry off and left it in my room when we went to Disney. It was a gesture that my daughter really appreciated.

We did 2 days at the Magic Kingdom, one day at Epcot and one day at Animal Kingdom. 4 days at Disney back to back was very tiring, but still a lot of fun.

The highlight of the trip (for me), was watching my daughter meet Cinderella. My daughter was dressed as Cinderella herself for two whole days (she refused to wear anything but the dress again on day 2). Yes, she packed a Cinderella dress and a tiara. I protested when she was packing it, as I had visions of being mortified as the only parent with a kid in a gown, but she insisted. She said "Mommy if I don't wear it at Disney, where CAN I wear it?" Excellent point. And so we packed the dress, and tiara.

When we got there, I tried one last time to convince her out of the dress "But you might be the only one wearing it, won't that be silly?" Her reply "Then I guess I will be the only one, and Cinderella will notice me even more". I have to say, I was pretty impressed by her determination and confidence. Maybe I can learn a thing or two from her...

Anyhow, the weather was great, the kids were awesome and it was pretty much a perfect trip. We needed the time away and the kids are elated. I'm glad we got the chance to get away.

Too bad those tiaras and gowns don't come in adult sizes!