The Sharing Club

My daughter came home today with a story about what a horrible day she had at school. On Friday, she was telling me about the "sharing club" her desk-mates started in school. They got out some pencil cases and pooled all their school supplies together. I thought it was kind of cute. Today, she came home and told me she had a rough day, that the kids decided to end the sharing club. She then went on to tell me about how mean they all were and how they were talking about having a party and not inviting her, basically isolating her from the group. My first instinct was to agree- those kids are mean! I felt offended that someone could be so cruel to MY daughter. And then I decided to listen more. Ask more questions.

So why were they all mean to YOU? What happened?
They all ganged up and acted mean for no reason at all. I think they are just mean bullies. I never want to go to school again!

Why did they end the sharing club? Was it one person who ended it? Why didn't the other 3 of you just keep it going?
They all ended it for no good reason.

How did this all start? Let's try this in steps. What was step one? Was everyone working?
Yes. And I was just trying to do my work.

What do you mean "trying to do my work", did you not want to play with them today or something?
No I was the last one finishing my school work and they were talking. That was step one. So I got mad and told them to be quiet while I finished and I made a mad face. That was step two. Then they got mad at me and ended the sharing club and told me they didn't want me to play with them ever again. That was step three.

Right. Now I get it...the story starts off with her as the innocent one, but maybe there was some room for improvement on her side!

So why did you get mad at them? Could you really not focus, or were you feeling left out that they were done first?
It's not fair that they get to have fun while I have to finish my work.

So, do you think you were feeling a little left out or jealous maybe?
Left out, but not jealous.

Hmm. That must have been difficult for you. Is there anything that could have been done differently to make it all better?
They could have not ended the sharing club.

That's true. I have to agree with you there. But why do you think they did that?
They were mad at me for getting mad at them.

How do you feel?
Mad and sad.

Hmmm. I'm sorry honey. I wish I could help. Is there anything we can do to fix things?
I could try saying sorry (OK guys- when she said this, I was thinking WHHHAAT? YOU DIDN'T APOLOGIZE FOR GETTING MAD AT THEM???)

That might help. Good idea Mary! That just might do it. And, is there anything else we can try next time, maybe to avoid this from happening again?
Like what mommy?

I don't know, maybe next time you need to concentrate you can try to say "Is it OK if I please have one minute to focus and finish on my work?"
Yeah, if I did that they might not have ended the sharing club.

True. Might be worth a try if you ever need to focus next time. Good thinking Mary! And hooray! You have a solution for tomorrow!
Yes...I'm going to apologize. Thanks mom. Do you think they will put the sharing club back?

I don't know honey, but I do think it is worth a try...

Learnings for today:

1. When your kids tell you a story, listen really carefully.
2. When your child tells you about how they were wronged, make sure that they didn't miss something that they did to contribute to the situation.
   
3. Don't be quick to assume that the other kids are the ones being unfair to your child.
   
4. Let your child feel like he/she is solving her own problems.
5. Let your child own the problem
6. Coach your child around how to fix the problem.

Now if only I could do for my life what I teach my daughter to do for hers. I need to take my sharing club problems to someone!