On Second Marriages

Second marriages, or even long term committed relationships after a divorce are really tricky. As a person, you are scarred, and somewhat (or in my case, majorly) jaded from your first experience. Trust does not come easily and love, well, real love is difficult because your guard is permanently up. The second time through, you are so fixated on getting your order right, that you may not see what is happening around you. And sometimes, when the order arrives, you realize that you didn't have it right, and you start to wonder if you even know what you want to order.

In my community, when I got divorced just 5 years ago, I was one of a rare breed. I didn't know many other divorced desi women, and certainly not any with children. I had to face the judgement of a community, the pity, and the disgrace upon my family. And at that time, sadly, I still felt that having a husband next to me would define my success. So I started my search for a long term relationship, met a wonderful man, and thought "see, I am worth something, even if I am divorced".

But here is what has changed. In 5 years, I have grown independent in some ways. I am stronger in many ways, and emotionally dependent in others. And the judgement? Well, it's no longer there. I am no longer one of a rare breed. As (quite sadly) marriages crumble around me, I am finding one thing that works to my benefit. I am no longer "that divorced girl with the children". I am me, a part of a larger, growing group of women, and surprisingly, I am now respected. Respected because the community knows I am a good mother. Respected because I am not freeloading off anyone. Respected for being independent. And yes, respected and appreciated by my children.

I no longer need the man crutch in order to face society.

That brings another question. What do I really want?

I want a meaningful relationship that is about us. I want one that allows me to keep myself, to be the independent woman I have grown to love, while nurturing the emotionally needy side of me too.

I want someone who understands me. But I am not willing to gamble my life again. I had one new beginning. I will not risk this one to start a new one. Marriages are hard enough. In fact, they are work. Lots of work. And they are risky. Very risky. In a world where the divorce rate is 50% for a first marriage and even higher for a second marriage, second marriages are a very risky venture indeed.

So when do you know when to gamble, and when to cut your losses? It all depends on your risk tolerance. And here is what I know about myself. I am risk averse. I am not willing to gamble on something that is not a sure thing, or something that adds risk to my already delicately balanced life.

So whatever I do, wherever I go, it needs to fit into the new me. The me that is independent. The me that likes her alone time and loves her hang-out-with-good-friends time. The me that likes to keep some of her finances separate. The me that doesn't want to be questioned when disciplining the children.

The me that I am growing to love.

Even when I make mistakes, or bad choices in life, I know I will be stronger because of them in the end.