Taking Matters into my Own Hands

I had a lot to think about over the past few days. This was really and truly a tough one for me. The children wanted to protect their dad as much as possible. I wanted to protect the children. On the one hand, there is the side to me that says that the best protection for the children is to keep their dad away from them. On the other hand, I know full well that they love their father, and while keeping him away would physically protect them, it would emotionally hurt them. So my only solution is to find an option that helps facilitate a healthy and safe relationship between the children and their father. Ironic that I am the one working so hard to achieve this.

Along these lines, if I press charges against my ex for his recent conduct, two things would happen.

1. I would potentially lose the children's trust because they asked me not to
2. He would get charged

Now at a surface level, it looks great for me, and for my court case if he gets charged. But on another level, if he gets charged, it will impact his ability to find employment. Which will impact the conditions he lives in when the children are with him. Which impacts his mental health/state of mind. Which directly impacts my children's well being.

Another thing is that the last time I called the CAS, they did nothing. The police let him off with a warning. The CAS refused to even go to court for me. They gave him 6 months of supervised access and them let him off scott free. They achieved nothing at all. So it's really a tough call. And if I don't call them, I look negligent. But I need to protect my children.

So I took matters into my own hands. And I handled it my own way. Here is what I did:

1. I photographed the bruises
   
2. I called a close friend and had him come to see the children. He inspected the bruises and spoke to my children and heard their stories first hand. He will email me to document the incident and if ever the need comes up, I can ask him to sign an affidavit.
3. I spoke to my ex and got him to send me a written confession of what he did. I told him that I did not intend to use it to press charges, but I did intend to use it for court IN THE EVENT that he denied any wrong doing or tried to position himself as a "changed man". So if we go to court, he either has to agree to a treatment plan, or I get to tell the court that he hurt the children yet again, and let the court decide. His written confession is my proof that he admits the events did occur.
4. I told my ex he is not to see the children until further notice. Meaning, he has to commence seeing a psychiatrist and I want reports that he is in weekly therapy/or under medication. Once I get reports, his access can resume
5. He is to take anger management and parenting courses.
6. He is to agree to the assessor's recommendations at our May court date. Meaning, he has to consent to my getting full custody, to his need for a psychiatric treatment plan as a condition to his access to the children and he has to agree that I have the right to revoke his access should his conduct be detrimental to the children. And, the court order will be police enforceable.
   

He agreed to my terms. Really, he didn't have a choice. If he decided to go against them, I would have called the police.

So, I think in my opinion, I got as much out of it as I would have if the CAS were involved. In fact, possibly more, because they have been most unhelpful in the past.

And I avoid a trial. Which means May 16th may really and truly be the end of all this.

And really, he is better off this way too, as he won't get charged. But he has to bend and accept me as the full custodial parent.

Overall, I think the children will win. Their father will be forced into a treatment plan which is good for them. I will have the authority to protect them as I see fit. (Also good for them). They have a chance for a healthy relationship with their dad. Also good for them.

I'm hoping the kids are best off this way.

Some of you will judge me for not calling the police. But what would I achieve? I would win the court case by a landslide, but my ex would be mentally worse than ever. And that wouldn't be good for the kids.

Walk a day in my shoes everyone. Then and only then will you understand my predicament. I just hope I made the right decision. I will call my lawyer on Monday and see what she says about all this.

But either way, I have a clear conscience. I have been really and truly trying to act in the best interests of my children. I made some tough decisions. From my own perspective, after everything he did to me, I would have loved nothing more than to have him charged. After all, I should have had him charged 15 years ago. But that would be me acting for myself. I really believe that the children are better off this way, and that's why tonight I will sleep well. My conscience is clear.