Interviewing Abusive Men

I watched another Oprah episode tonight. OK I PVR Oprah so I watch them later on, which is why sometimes my blog posts are not aligned with the show of the day...

Anyhow in this show, she interviews abusive men. I actually feel physically ill just watching this. The guys on this show are totally disgusting, and they talk just like my ex husband. I'm hearing things like:

• I feel bad when I hit her, but I lose control. I just black out (ya right, black out from what? Your assholeness??)
• I get tunnel vision when I get mad and I just lose control
• I feel the need to get in control and the easiest way is to take control of my wife
  

I mean come on, these people are in serious need of therapy. And one girl on this show is still with her husband. She says if he hits her again, she will leave. I mean, this girl is ME. She has been in the relationship for years, and for some reason, she is riding the "one more chance" wave. I say no more chances. He won't change. Leave while you can. Keep a packed duffel bag in your closet with a change of clothes, a credit card, some cash, some toiletries. I did that. It was that duffle bag that saved me when I finally left. Think about it. When the day comes when you do leave, you likely won't have the time to pack your things. So if you're in an abusive relationship and you are planning to leave, keep a packed bag ready and waiting. I even kept cash in my desk drawer at the office in case I needed it.

Anyhow, there was another point that got to me. All of these men had witnessed abuse in their lifetime. Some experienced child abuse, most witnessed their mothers being abused.

So what about my children? They experienced abuse. My 3 year old son once witnessed his father hurting me. Will he grow up to be an abuser too? What does it take to break the cycle of abuse? Will a mother leaving a bad marriage and teaching you that abuse is unacceptable be enough to break the cycle? Did I do enough to break the cycle for my children, or will they still need help?

It's a tough call. I mean, they seem well balanced, and they are very well aware that our marriage ended because of "how their dad is". I never told them he was abusive, but they know how he was with them, and they know he had to have done something very bad to me for me to leave. And when they get older and ask, I may just answer. But is that enough to stop the cycle? To have one parent who is adamantly against any form of violence? I certainly hope so. Otherwise, I won't have accomplished everything I was hoping to accomplish when I left. Yes we are physically safe, but I need the children to be emotionally safe, as children, and as adults.

SIGH. The things that keep me up at night...