My grandfather has been in the hospital for the past few weeks. Old age is catching up to him. He is 97 years old, and has lived a very full life. He is generally in good health. He has all his senses, he comprehends everything, and his bodily functions are all there. He was first taken to the hospital a few weeks back because of severe stomach cramps. Turns out, he has some kidney problems. His kidneys function fine, but he needs a catheter to get the urine out. He has blood clots in his body that put him at risk of a stroke. We have been told that he cannot go home, as it will increase his risks. We have been told to put him in a long term care facility. To the average person, this sounds like no big deal. For a Pakistani man, this is unheard of.
My dad is having a tough time coming to terms with this. Culturally speaking, Pakistanis follow an extended family care system. Mothers stay home to raise children, or they depend on extended family to help if they need to work full time. Parents live with their children and are cared for by them when they get older. That is the deal. Sending parents to a home is a slap in the face. It is like saying "You are too much trouble for us to care for you". It means you aren't wanted anymore. It means you are a burden.
So when the hospital tells my dad that taking his father home is out of the question due to stroke risks, he is in a real predicament. How does he help the transition to a nursing home for a man who doesn't believe in nursing homes? All my life I heard my grandfather talk about the cultural differences between the east and the west. The one he always brought up was the west's inability to repay their parents for raising them, by caring for them in their old age. And I find it ironic that of all the people in the world to have to go to a home, it ends up being my grandfather, the one person who hated this concept more than anyone else in the world.
My dad told him what the doctors said. He does not seem happy. I told my dad he should have been smarter about it. Maybe he should have told my grandfather that he was going to a rehab center to get better. It's all in the positioning.
And then there is another issue. Because there has not been a large demand for nursing homes by the south Asian community, there are very few that have south Asian residents. So that means food that grandpa won't eat (pot roast? Are you kidding me? Where is the curry chicken?). It also means no halal meat, which is a deal breaker for him.
So my dad has to find a home that allows us to bring our own food on a daily basis. Not an easy task at all.
I suspect that as more people face the issue of aging parents who need extended care, we will have more options available to us. In the meantime, our family continues the search.
2 comments:
I find your post very interesting. I am Indian American, born and raised, but still believe strongly in certain homeland practices such as taking care of your parents when they age.
However, even in India today I have seen instances, including in my own family in which aging parents are not taken care of by their children. Its disgusting, but a reality.
Here, in North America, I sometimes worry about what will happen to my parents generation when they are unable to take care of themselves. I know I will always be there to support my parents, but unfortunately, cannot speak for some of my friends who are of Indian descent. I sometimes worry about their parents.
I have my own business and with gods grace am successful and am actually thinking maybe I should open up a nursing home for s. Asians in my city (Houston). Its an ethical dilemna for me though because any such decision will not (and should not) solely be driven by economic motivation. If I was to create such an institution would I be opening the doors for S. Asian children to send their parents in? Is the fact that there are NOT S. Asian nursing homes the reason that many children are keeping their parents home? Under such conditions are there parents even happy living with their adult children or do they feel they are a burden or hindrance to their adult children's lives? If so, then maybe opening up such a center is a GOOD thing....
Hi, and thank you for the comment.
I think there is a need for nursing home that cater to the south Asian population. Here is why- as people live longer than they did before, there are more medical complications for the elderly. In my grandfather's case, he needed 24/7 nursing care, and certain facilities (special wash room etc). We were unable to provide these structural facilities within our home, and the 24/7 nurse was very costly. The nursing home has been complicated as well, as he is completely removed from an environment that he is comfortable in. I really do think that if there were a south Asian nursing home, he would be much more comfortable, and the care would be much better for him. We still go to the nursing home every day and would continue to do so in a south Asian home.
Yes, if you were to open such an institution, you would be encouraging SOME children to leverage it, when they normally would not have. You will ALSO be helping others have better care and create a more acceptable solution for many of their aging relatives.
Culturally, those of us who would take care of our aging parents will still continue to do so, however those who have no options (in home nurses etc), will now have better options to take care of the elderly. Isn't this the most important thing?
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