The Doormat

Doormats are one of the many things we take for granted. Think about it. Doormats are relatively cheap, and they are easily replaceable. They serve a good function. We wipe our feet on them before we enter our homes so that we don't bring dirt into our living space. And over time, one use after the next, the doormat wears down until eventually it starts to fray and then falls apart. Then we go out and buy a new doormat, without even a second thought.

And then, there are people that are very much like doormats. Actually, they allow themselves to become doormats. I think I am one of those people. I am dependable. I am always there for my friends. I am often taken for granted. People often feel they can mistreat me, knowing full well that I will be OK eventually, because I will forgive their indiscretions and move on. They feel it's OK to ask me to take care of them, to give them an ear, to do things for them, to build resumes for them, to cook for them, to care for them, to drive them around, to listen to their whining until obscene hours of the night. And then, despite all that, they feel it's OK for me to be kicked aside according to their schedules, expecting to be able to welcome me back according to their schedules. Because Shaz is cool. Shaz is dependable. Shaz is, after all, the ultimate doormat.

But it doesn't work that way. It shouldn't work that way. I am tired of being a doormat.

You see, abuse comes in many forms. It's not just being punched in the face and thrown down a flight of stairs. That is the obvious abuse. But abuse can be emotional too. It can be as simple as being mistreated emotionally, or as big as being mistreated physically. But here is the thing. We take physical abuse seriously, and minimize emotional abuse. Here is what we don't think of. The average bruise takes 6 days to heal (trust me, I know what I am talking about). How long does an emotional bruise take to heal? Trust me - it can be weeks, months, years.

Emotional abuse is harder.

So who do we blame? Ultimately, we should blame the one who is abused.

There is one thing that can stop abuse. And it's not selfishness. It's self respect.

A selfish person is the one who will put themselves above everyone else. They are the ones who profit by treating others as doormats. None of us should aim to be selfish. On the other hand, a person who has self respect will care for others in the way they would wish to be treated, but they will not allow themselves to be anyone's doormat.

So, if you find yourself being the doormat, the missing link in the equation is self respect. Self respect will allow you to walk from disrespectful relationships. Whether it is family, friends, lovers, whatever. And not only will you walk, but you will walk without feeling hurt, because you will know you did it for the right reasons. The truth is that if you have enough self respect, you will know how you wish to be treated and you will not allow yourself to be mistreated. Nor will you pathetically run back to those who mistreat you.

In my experience, this does not mean that we don't forgive. But it does mean that we don't forgive the same mistakes over and over again. And especially not if those mistakes come from the same person.

So, along the theme of great learnings around friendships, I am adding the self respect goal to my goals for this year.

No more being the doormat. This will be a damned good year for my personal growth. Let's see what I evolve into by the end of the year...