The Sharing Club

My daughter came home today with a story about what a horrible day she had at school. On Friday, she was telling me about the "sharing club" her desk-mates started in school. They got out some pencil cases and pooled all their school supplies together. I thought it was kind of cute. Today, she came home and told me she had a rough day, that the kids decided to end the sharing club. She then went on to tell me about how mean they all were and how they were talking about having a party and not inviting her, basically isolating her from the group. My first instinct was to agree- those kids are mean! I felt offended that someone could be so cruel to MY daughter. And then I decided to listen more. Ask more questions.

So why were they all mean to YOU? What happened?
They all ganged up and acted mean for no reason at all. I think they are just mean bullies. I never want to go to school again!

Why did they end the sharing club? Was it one person who ended it? Why didn't the other 3 of you just keep it going?
They all ended it for no good reason.

How did this all start? Let's try this in steps. What was step one? Was everyone working?
Yes. And I was just trying to do my work.

What do you mean "trying to do my work", did you not want to play with them today or something?
No I was the last one finishing my school work and they were talking. That was step one. So I got mad and told them to be quiet while I finished and I made a mad face. That was step two. Then they got mad at me and ended the sharing club and told me they didn't want me to play with them ever again. That was step three.

Right. Now I get it...the story starts off with her as the innocent one, but maybe there was some room for improvement on her side!

So why did you get mad at them? Could you really not focus, or were you feeling left out that they were done first?
It's not fair that they get to have fun while I have to finish my work.

So, do you think you were feeling a little left out or jealous maybe?
Left out, but not jealous.

Hmm. That must have been difficult for you. Is there anything that could have been done differently to make it all better?
They could have not ended the sharing club.

That's true. I have to agree with you there. But why do you think they did that?
They were mad at me for getting mad at them.

How do you feel?
Mad and sad.

Hmmm. I'm sorry honey. I wish I could help. Is there anything we can do to fix things?
I could try saying sorry (OK guys- when she said this, I was thinking WHHHAAT? YOU DIDN'T APOLOGIZE FOR GETTING MAD AT THEM???)

That might help. Good idea Mary! That just might do it. And, is there anything else we can try next time, maybe to avoid this from happening again?
Like what mommy?

I don't know, maybe next time you need to concentrate you can try to say "Is it OK if I please have one minute to focus and finish on my work?"
Yeah, if I did that they might not have ended the sharing club.

True. Might be worth a try if you ever need to focus next time. Good thinking Mary! And hooray! You have a solution for tomorrow!
Yes...I'm going to apologize. Thanks mom. Do you think they will put the sharing club back?

I don't know honey, but I do think it is worth a try...

Learnings for today:

1. When your kids tell you a story, listen really carefully.
2. When your child tells you about how they were wronged, make sure that they didn't miss something that they did to contribute to the situation.
   
3. Don't be quick to assume that the other kids are the ones being unfair to your child.
   
4. Let your child feel like he/she is solving her own problems.
5. Let your child own the problem
6. Coach your child around how to fix the problem.

Now if only I could do for my life what I teach my daughter to do for hers. I need to take my sharing club problems to someone!

So Far, Not Going to Court is Not Working...

I've been nice. I've tried to avoid court. I've tried working with my ex to save money. I've spent tens of thousands on legal fees already. But it just doesn't seem to end.

We had a mediation session to see if we could try to settle out of court before going to trial. Our lawyers were both there. We were there. The assessor was the mediator. The basis of discussion was using his report and recommendations as a starting point. And it went pretty much as could be predicted.

My ex started off by saying that he would like to dispute both main decisions. IE- That I should not get full custody and that I should not be allowed to go to NYC. Thank God for the assessor. He interrupted and told my ex that we should all leave and just go to court, that he would not compromise his report and that his suggestions were a starting point for discussion, meaning small negotiations, but not up for debate.

Then my ex made the following demands:

• If I go to NYC, he would get even more time in the summer with the children. Meaning 6 weeks instead of 4 weeks. I complied.
• If I go to NYC, he wants the right to come 2x each month to visit the kids. I hesitated, and then agreed to it, mostly because I felt that if he was willing to go out of his way to see the kids, and since they are his kids, I shouldn't stop him.
• Then he wanted ME to pay for his trips to NYC. My answer- no bloody way. I mean, I have visions of the jerk billing me for first class airline tickets or something. I don't bloody think so.
• Then he requested NOT TO PAY child support. This was insane. Then my lawyer pointed out that he doesn't pay child support today. She pointed out that it sounds like I'm giving up alot, but am I really? She pointed out that he hasn't paid support for a year. He is for all purposes, a deadbeat dad. He keeps getting fired from one job to the next, and pays $800 a month for a car but can't find support money for his kids. And because he is a contract worker, his salaries are not easy to garnish. I had a really hard time with this. And then in the interest of not going to court, I hesitantly agreed to consider it.

And then to my surprise, he said he wanted time to think about it.

When I spoke to Mr. NYC that night, he was shocked. He could not believe that a dad would actually not want to pay support. And here is how great Mr. NYC has been- he said "Shaz, I have NO PROBLEM supporting your children. I promise to treat them as my own. If this is the route you want to go (meaning not taking child support), I'm here. I will support you 100%, no matter what you decide". My heart melted.

Then the next day, my ex called me. He says "IF you want me to settle out of court, then you have to SWEETEN THE DEAL for me more, FINANCIALLY. Meaning, I want more money from you". What? Are you fng serious? I just let you get away with no child support you good for nothing worthless son of a bitch. And now this? Seriously, some men should be forced to be castrated. They shouldn't be allowed to father kids, because they have NO CONCEPT of responsibility.

I took a deep breath and told him that he could take his request and shove it up his ass. I will see him in trial. And by the way, there isn't a court in the country that will let him get away without paying child support. He had the best deal on the planet and he got greedy. So GO TO HELL. I am NOT AFRAID and I will see your sorry ass in court. His answer "Oh, so you're going to take a gamble and assume that the courts will let you move to be with your beloved NYC guy?"

Hell ya. Lemme think about this. You beat the kids, you don't pay child support, you're documented as mentally ill, off your meds, and you stalk me. Oh ya and a seasoned professional recommends to the courts that I get to go as it would be IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN. I would say I have a pretty good chance of getting to where I want to go. See you in court buddy.

NO MORE MERCY.

I am so beyond disgusted.

Male/Female Relationships

I have a lot of male friends, and so I've had the luxury of observing men for a long time. I've learned a few things that are almost always true of just about every guy I have ever known.

1. Men are always drawn to the most beautiful girl in the room. They might say "looks are not important, personality matters more", but at the end of the day, the sexier the girl, the more they are drawn to her. It's harsh, but it's true, because men are superficial for the most part.
   
2. You will have to give up your guy friends one day- Guys will get really excited when they start dating, and they will lose sight of the world around them. Trust me on this, I've known a lot of men, and over time, this has always been the case. When they need you, you're their best friend. But best friends are replaceable so easily, especially when there is another girl in the picture. Single men make awesome friends. The best ever. But guys in relationships are not the best of friends, unless their current relationship is a well established one, like it's been around for years. With single male friends, you ultimately have be prepared to step aside for a few years when they meet someone. And then, one day, when (or if) they need you again, they will come back to you and tell you how much they missed you, what a great girl you are, and how you their best friend ever. So, the problem with male friends is that their friendships are not the ones that can last a lifetime. No girlfriend will share her guy and no female friend will ever be worth holding on to. So you have to be fully prepared to give them up one day. A male can very seldomly be a female's lifelong friend. Men can be friends with females for periods of time, but that's pretty much it.
   
3. The girls they marry are often different than the ones they date. Now I don't know why this is true, but it is 100% true. It's like they can date a girl for a pretty face, or to fool around, or as an arm trophy, but when they marry, it's a different kind of girl. As a woman, you have to ask yourself which girl you are, and which girl you want to be. No judgments, because marriage etc is not for everyone. In my experience, the way your male friends treat you will tell you which girl you are. If they think you are a flirt, you will find out. If they think of you as respectable, you will find that out too. Just observe their behavior. It's very telling, and a good learning.

Really, my experience in life, and I'm coming to a real turning point I think, is that men and women cannot really be close friends. See, something always goes wrong. Either her presence around too many men will scare off potential dates, or feelings will develop between her and one of her male friends, or she will be seen by the world as one big gigantic boy toy and the world will fail to take her seriously.

So the problem is, what happens if you're one of those girls who just doesn't fare all that well with female friends? Females are, by nature, very catty, manipulative, competitive and often times they are not sincere. Now I'm not saying ALL women are like this, but I have seen many in my day. I personally, have been one of those girls who fared better with male friends than female friends. I do have a handful of the best female friends that this world has to offer, but I also have double that number in male friends.

My personal issue is that my male friends either scare away the guys who would otherwise be interested in me, or their presence sometimes makes the world think I'm just a flirt, or they meet someone, get self absorbed, and I kicked to the side. While I should see this coming, historically, I have not, and so I get a shock each and every time it happens. DUH! The mature thing to do is to accept this as part of life. After all, nobody has twisted my arm into keeping these friends. These were my choices, and so the consequences are mine to bear.

So how does a girl reconcile these issues? One thought I had recently was gay men. I have a few gay friends. Those relationships are deliciously between female friends and male friends. You get the shopping buddy you get in a girl, the compliments you get with a guy and no competition, no cattiness, etc. A nice balance indeed. And here's the good news- they will never hit on you. It's a 100% safe relationship!

I'll stop my rant. This new year has been a massive year of change for me, especially where friends are concerned. I learned some "truths" about many friends I was not expecting to learn, but for the most part, I think the learning has been good for me. I've learned about 5 sets of friends and the lessons have, for the most part, been good for me.

My horoscope said that this was going to be my year of personal learning, and self development. I would say my horoscope for the year was right.

The Doormat

Doormats are one of the many things we take for granted. Think about it. Doormats are relatively cheap, and they are easily replaceable. They serve a good function. We wipe our feet on them before we enter our homes so that we don't bring dirt into our living space. And over time, one use after the next, the doormat wears down until eventually it starts to fray and then falls apart. Then we go out and buy a new doormat, without even a second thought.

And then, there are people that are very much like doormats. Actually, they allow themselves to become doormats. I think I am one of those people. I am dependable. I am always there for my friends. I am often taken for granted. People often feel they can mistreat me, knowing full well that I will be OK eventually, because I will forgive their indiscretions and move on. They feel it's OK to ask me to take care of them, to give them an ear, to do things for them, to build resumes for them, to cook for them, to care for them, to drive them around, to listen to their whining until obscene hours of the night. And then, despite all that, they feel it's OK for me to be kicked aside according to their schedules, expecting to be able to welcome me back according to their schedules. Because Shaz is cool. Shaz is dependable. Shaz is, after all, the ultimate doormat.

But it doesn't work that way. It shouldn't work that way. I am tired of being a doormat.

You see, abuse comes in many forms. It's not just being punched in the face and thrown down a flight of stairs. That is the obvious abuse. But abuse can be emotional too. It can be as simple as being mistreated emotionally, or as big as being mistreated physically. But here is the thing. We take physical abuse seriously, and minimize emotional abuse. Here is what we don't think of. The average bruise takes 6 days to heal (trust me, I know what I am talking about). How long does an emotional bruise take to heal? Trust me - it can be weeks, months, years.

Emotional abuse is harder.

So who do we blame? Ultimately, we should blame the one who is abused.

There is one thing that can stop abuse. And it's not selfishness. It's self respect.

A selfish person is the one who will put themselves above everyone else. They are the ones who profit by treating others as doormats. None of us should aim to be selfish. On the other hand, a person who has self respect will care for others in the way they would wish to be treated, but they will not allow themselves to be anyone's doormat.

So, if you find yourself being the doormat, the missing link in the equation is self respect. Self respect will allow you to walk from disrespectful relationships. Whether it is family, friends, lovers, whatever. And not only will you walk, but you will walk without feeling hurt, because you will know you did it for the right reasons. The truth is that if you have enough self respect, you will know how you wish to be treated and you will not allow yourself to be mistreated. Nor will you pathetically run back to those who mistreat you.

In my experience, this does not mean that we don't forgive. But it does mean that we don't forgive the same mistakes over and over again. And especially not if those mistakes come from the same person.

So, along the theme of great learnings around friendships, I am adding the self respect goal to my goals for this year.

No more being the doormat. This will be a damned good year for my personal growth. Let's see what I evolve into by the end of the year...

Time...

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.

I find life interesting. We go through phases in life. Some are better than others. But no matter how you try to re-create something from your past, you cannot do it. When a chapter in your life ends and a new one begins, that is both and ending and beginning, but never a repeat.

And you can never re-create the past. You can have the same players in a situation, the same context, but never the same ending.

So enjoy each moment as you live it, learn from the lessons you are given, and cherish the happiness while you have it.

Life is about the journey, not about the end result.

A Weekend on my Own

The kids are gone to their dads. It turns out they will be there for the next 4 weekends. I had to give my ex two of my weekends in exchange for his March break time with the kids.

So here I sit...

I had good intentions. I felt like going to the gym. But I didn't sleep well last night...went to sleep at 4am, woke up at 8am, so the gym is out of the question.

I feel too tired to get up and make breakfast. I think I'm in a lazy mood. I had other good intentions like cleaning the house, doing my paperwork, but I don't feel up to that either.

Thankfully, my sister will be coming by today, so I will have some company. Maybe I will gather up enough energy to make it to Starbucks for a latte to wake me up. A good friend mentioned Red Bull the other day. I've never had one, but if there was a time to try it, this would be a good one!

Today I am just exhausted. Mentally and Physically. Sigh.

On the plus side, I picked up a pink Netbook yesterday. I didn't have a home computer and it was time for me to get one and stop using the office computer. Next step-to get all my personal crap off the office computer and onto this one. Hoping to get to that tomorrow...

Hot and Cold Ex Husband

My ex husband is so often all over the map. It confuses the heck out of me. One minute I'm getting nasty emails, the next minute I get crazy displays of affection. Don't get me wrong. I prefer it much more when he is pleasant, it's just that I never know what to expect. Will the real personality please stand up so I can plan my life accordingly???

Today we were at my son's appointment together. We were both surprisingly civil. It was actually a big relief. We walked out to the parking lot together. Just as I was leaving, he asked me how the kids behaved on our trip. I told him they did really well. I told him I started the trip with ground rules. Do two hours of homework on the way there, and two on the way back, and the rest of the time can be used for TV and video games on the plane. It worked marvelously. They complied without arguments.

I looked up. He smiled. And then he said, "See, it's so easy to see why they love you so much".

HUH?

I looked at him suspiciously. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I really get why they love you. It's easy to see. You're good with them".

"Ok. Well, thanks for the vote of confidence. Take care."

Total twilight zone.

NYC in March

I just booked a trip to NYC over March break for myself and the children. No, I have not given him an answer to the marriage question. I've decided that I want to see how the children (well all 4 children, including his little ones) fare living together for a week. Let's see how that goes.

I know- I have taken the longest time to make a decision. But you see, if he was coming here to live, this would be a no-brainer for me. I would say yes and we would be fine. The issue for me is packing up my life and starting over in a foreign place with a crappy economy to boot. I mean, over here, I have a job. And a house, and family. Over there, I start from scratch. It's not the person, it's the circumstances.

I will figure all this out eventually. In the meantime, off to NYC!

No More Meds

Well this was an interesting twist. I took my son for his appt with the pediatrician today. We wanted to do a checkpoint of how things went with him off the meds. To be honest, the first 3 days were a bit hairy and then they tapered off. I spoke to the teacher and he didn't see a massive change. He saw a drop in focus in SOME subjects but not all. My son gained half a pound which is good because he lost too much weight while on the meds. And he is much more pleasant.

The doctor's suggestion- leave him off the medication indefinitely. I was really shocked to hear this. He said to come back in June with the report card and we will decide if we need to put him back on at that time. I asked why the decision, and he said that aggression is NOT a good side affect. That we don't want to ignite Oppositional Defiance Disorder while trying to treat Attention Deficit Disorder.

In my mind, I think the tidbit of information I shared about the dad being bipolar may have had something to do with it. I'm going to do more research, but my guess is that maybe there are other longer term side effects with Adderol that may not be good if the genetics have the potential for other disorders, but that is just a guess.

In the meantime, I'm OK with him being off the meds, just a bit shocked. I guess there is no harm in watching over the next few months to see how he does in school. If we need to put him back on meds, it won't be adderol, it will be the other medication.

More updates in June I guess. I've got my fingers crossed, hoping he does OK without them.

Friendships

I learned something very true about friendships recently. It's actually given me some peace. While sad, it's true...

Friendships are all different. Friends are brought to our lives with different intentions. Each one serves a different purpose. When that purpose is fulfilled, they move away from you.

That explains why some friendships are so real for a short time, and then fade away. It also explains why some friends are friends for life, the kind that you may not see every day, but when you do, you can trust them with anything. Some are fun friends to hang out with, but they will not be there for you when the chips fall.

I learned a lot about friendships already since the start of 2009. And you know what? It's actually liberating. You can realize that you can't hold onto everyone or everything. You can't please everyone all the time. You cannot keep what is not meant to be yours. You are only entitled to what you are entitled to and the rest will move on.

Nothing that is meant to be yours in this world will pass you by, and nothing will stop for you if it is not meant to be yours.

This is true for many things, but also for friendships. When you think of things in these terms, you will start to see things differently. Everything has a life span, and everything renews when that span ends.

People will come and go from our lives. New ones will enter, old ones will leave, and some will stay forever strong. But at the end of the day, instead of wasting time stressing, it's just better to thank those around you for the contribution they have made to your life. Thank them, learn from them, and move onto whatever is coming your way next.

Like I said, it has all been really liberating....

Trip To Disney

We just got back last night from our trip to Disney World. I can honestly say that it was a great trip. The children were on the best behavior I have ever experienced in my life, and that made the entire trip a whole lot better for me. I had expected that with my son off his medication, things would be really difficult, but he actually was in really good spirits, and was very calm the whole time. The children had a blast and so did I. I really enjoyed their company, and I can honestly say that I enjoyed just being a mom. I even turned my blackberry off and left it in my room when we went to Disney. It was a gesture that my daughter really appreciated.

We did 2 days at the Magic Kingdom, one day at Epcot and one day at Animal Kingdom. 4 days at Disney back to back was very tiring, but still a lot of fun.

The highlight of the trip (for me), was watching my daughter meet Cinderella. My daughter was dressed as Cinderella herself for two whole days (she refused to wear anything but the dress again on day 2). Yes, she packed a Cinderella dress and a tiara. I protested when she was packing it, as I had visions of being mortified as the only parent with a kid in a gown, but she insisted. She said "Mommy if I don't wear it at Disney, where CAN I wear it?" Excellent point. And so we packed the dress, and tiara.

When we got there, I tried one last time to convince her out of the dress "But you might be the only one wearing it, won't that be silly?" Her reply "Then I guess I will be the only one, and Cinderella will notice me even more". I have to say, I was pretty impressed by her determination and confidence. Maybe I can learn a thing or two from her...

Anyhow, the weather was great, the kids were awesome and it was pretty much a perfect trip. We needed the time away and the kids are elated. I'm glad we got the chance to get away.

Too bad those tiaras and gowns don't come in adult sizes!

Girl Time

A couple of nights ago, the day that my son missed his school bus, we had so much drama. I was downtown at the time and could not get to the school to get him. I called my ex and he said he wasn't in the area either. He suggested that I get my parents to do it. Nice try buddy, but mom and dad are vacationing in Florida. I got frustrated with his lack of involvement and eventually told him that he had 3 brothers who live nearby. Pick one and get them to take responsibility for their nephew. Seriously...why does it always have to be my family? Well to my shock, he agreed to do it, and so my brother in law went to get him from the school.

Anyhow, when I went to get my daughter from daycare, she was upset that her brother not only misses the school bus, but gets rewarded for it by getting to hang out with his cousins while she goes to daycare. I did see her point. So she asked for some girl time. I agreed and we went home, had dinner, played, laughed, watched TV. (I had asked my ex to bring my son home and hour and a half later so my daughter could get her long awaited girl time). It was lovely. But I did learn a few things from the experience:

• My daughter is the easier of the two children from a disposition perspective, for now.
• It is a lot quieter in the house with one child.
• Despite the above, I am really lucky to have both of my children in my life. My son is so loving in his own way. He knows me better than most people. He is very sensitive to my feelings. He is less clingy than my daughter. Every child is indeed different. But after a couple of hours, I really really missed my son as well.
  
• I always told myself that it was harder to be a single parent with two children. This week, I learned that in some ways, it is harder, and in other ways, it isn't. It is hard because you end up refereeing their fights all day long. You have to do double the work- dress two kids in the morning, pack two lunches. But there is a catch. When you have one child, you have to dedicate all your time to them. When you have two, they play with each other and you get some head space.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVED the girl time. But I think I just found the silver lining in being a single parent to two children. It's a good deal. I get a bit of head space at times, and they have a best friend for life. If I had just the one, I would never get space in the day to get stuff done, and they would always be lonely and asking for play dates etc. It has worked out very well for me.

Not a bad deal. I think God had my back on this one. I'm glad I was given the opportunity to see the silver lining in what was brought my way. That's half the journey, isn't it?

First Aid Course

I spent the last 2 days at a first aid course. We needed someone at the office to take it, so I volunteered. I figured if nothing else, I would learn how to bandage up my accident-prone son the next time he gets a cut/bruise/bangs his head. I'm glad I went. The best part of the course- learning how to use a defibrillator.

The interesting thing that I learned is that most of the people who save lives are just innocent bystanders. People who were at a restaurant when someone started chocking, or in the mall when someone had a heart attack...all the more reason to get more people trained on this stuff I guess.

Anyhow, it was 2 days of NOT driving 3hrs a day to get to work. I think that was the best part of all. Being seated at the dinner table with dinner ready at 6:30 is unheard of for me. I normally get in the door at 6:45 so dinner is usually 7:30. It was awesome. I'm telling you, I need to find something closer to home....it's amazing what a difference it makes on your quality of life...

Med Update

Day 1 off Meds:

• My son misses school bus
• He forgets half his homework at school in his desk (hasn't done that in months, since the meds)
  
• Handwriting is illegible
• He is unable to focus on homework in evening
  

Day 2:

• My son's handwriting is even more illegible
• Unfinished schoolwork comes home (two hours worth)
• He is unable to understand basic concepts that he understood a couple of months back.

Day 3:

• Handwriting gets worse
• Takes forever for him to do his homework- he keeps getting up and walking away, very distracted
  

But....his temper seems just a bit calmer. Sigh. Let's see what happens over the full two weeks. I did speak to someone else whose son is on the same meds. He didn't have the same side effects, but he did have different ones. Turns out, he was prescribed the same medication that the doctor suggested for our son...the one that is a mood stabilizer. It's apparently also a muscle relaxant.

Maybe I freaked about nothing. I just know my ex was prescribed the same med. Turns out in tiny micro doses, it treats different things. In large doses, it treats larger things.

So I wait, and we shall see...

Switch the Meds

Well, I'm not sure if I did a good thing or a bad thing. Today we had my son's 4th pediatric an appt for his ADHD. The thing is, since he has been on the meds, his focus is better but his aggression and tantrums seem higher and more intense. I'm not 100% sure but it sure feels that way. To the point where you can recall I even wrote a few posts about the difficulty I have been having raising him, and from time to time the feelings of hopelessness, like it will never get better.

So today I went to the appt 15mins early knowing my ex wouldn't be there yet. I spoke to the receptionist in detail. I told her I was concerned about my son's aggression and advised her that "the dad" is bipolar, but denies it. My real concern is that I can't even bring it up in his presence out of fear that he will go nuts. But I had to share the information with the office, as I felt this was relevant information. I mean, bipolar disorder is known to be genetic. While I most certainly would hope that it doesn't get passed to my son, I also have to make sure I'm not hiding any information, especially from the doctor. The receptionist listened and told me that she isn't surprised, that my ex is quite a character, but that she would advise the doctor of this information.

When we went in, I think the doctor had been informed. He specifically asked me what times of day my son has temper tantrums and I told him mornings. He said that is the least likely time he should have them, usually they happen end of day when the meds are wearing off. Anyhow, he said that 1% of kids have a side effect of aggression on this drug. Plus, my son has lost 5lbs in 3 months. Our guess is that this medication may not be the most suitable for him. That and the fact that he recently increased the dosage by 50% but there was no change in our son's focus. So the teachers have described that his focus runs out by 2pm, but an increase in dosage didn't help. The doctor's solution- Take him off the meds for 2 weeks to see how he reacts. I think he wants to see if the tantrums and focus both go down. If for example the focus goes down but the tantrums remain the same, we know the meds are not causing the tantrums, but that they were helping with focus. If the tantrums stop but the focus drops, then the meds were causing the aggression, but he needs meds for focus so we will switch him to another med. Sigh. What a process.

Another fear that I have is taking the kids to Disney with my son not on any meds at all. God that will be insane. He will be crazy-hyper, which will be hellish for me. Sheesh.

But the doctor is very smart. He said that if we start the other meds and the tantrums don't go down, then we may want to introduce a mood stabilizer. The one he named is EXACTLY the one my ex is on. Now that is bloody scary.

I'm trying not to think too much about it. I'm hoping all the tantrums were exacerbated by the meds he was on. Don't get me wrong. He always had angry outbursts, but they have been much worse lately.

Maybe I am the one who will need meds to get through the next 2 weeks!

I'm just going to try to make it through, try not to worry, and try to take it all one day at a time.

The Mom Song

A special thanks to my friend VW for sharing this with me. It's absolutely priceless.

Sadly enough, I've said a lot of this stuff to my kids :(

Saying No

When a man says no its the end of a discussion. When a woman says no, it's the beginning of a negotiation.

Why is it always this way?

Have we as women allowed this to happen? Is it because we are naturally so indecisive in our personal lives? (Or is that just me revealing one of my ever so present weaknesses?)

I wouldn't have issue with it if this worked both ways. But for some reason, more often than not, it feels like it's one sided. In my experience, it always has been. I mean this in my personal life, at work, with friends. Always. I say no to something, the men around me see it as a starting point. They say no to something and I always get the "We discussed this. I said no. Don't try to twist things and get your way, learn to let the other person win sometimes". (And for the record, this quote is NOT from Mr. NYC)...

Sigh.

Falling and Getting up Again

Everything in life has meaning. The bigger the fall, the greater the lesson.
-Oprah Winfrey

Have I mentioned yet that I LOVE Oprah Winfrey?

I don't even know where to begin with this one. She's right...the bigger the fall, the greater the lesson. Here is the thing...sometimes, we learn a lesson without even realizing it or understanding it until years later.

Take for example, my divorce. When I first divorced my husband, I thought my lessons were that you should never let a man touch you in an abusive manner, ever. That if he does, you should leave him right away, because he will never change. But really, that was just a scratch-the-surface-lesson.

When I look back at the same thing now, I see really different lessons. They are bigger, they direct which way I'm going, and they have changed who I am.

Here are the lessons I see now:

1. Always trust your gut instinct- Even when you are hoping that it is wrong, or just "nerves". So, now I'm going to confess something. Two weeks before my wedding I felt sick to my stomach. Physically ill. I felt like I didn't want to get married. I chalked it up as nerves, as cold feet. I kept telling myself "But he's so great. He loves me so much. He would do anything for me. How many girls get to marry their high school sweetheart?". When the nerves didn't go away, I said to myself "650 invitations have gone out. Now shut up and get married before you humiliate the entire family". I wish I had trusted my instincts. I would have been in a different place today.
2. Don't make a life choice if it's only to make others happy- Sounds obvious right? Not so obvious if you were born and raised in a Desi household. Unfortunately, Desi girls are raised to sacrifice for their families, their children, but they never put themselves first. A woman's life is about sacrifice. One thing I've learned- you have to put your own interests in the mix too. Nobody else will take care of you, you have to take care of yourself. Difficult decisions will result in personal growth.
3. Financial independence is very important- When my daughter (second child) was born, I almost quit my job to be an at-home mom. I felt guilty going to work and leaving two kids under the age of two behind with a babysitter. A little voice inside me (one that I listened to this time) told me not to. It told me that things were rough and while I wasn't thinking divorce, I would need to know for myself that I am staying in the marriage because I wanted to, not because I had to. If I became financially dependent, my choices would be limited. I listened to that voice, and I thank God that I did.
4. A community of people that will disown you are not really your friends- And you don't need them. I haven't stayed in touch with everyone from my old group. There are a few that have remained my very best friends. And while the thought of being disowned by people was devastating at first, it really hasn't been a big deal at all. The friends I have are so much dearer, and they are true friends indeed.
5. You can't base your life on what others will think of you- Because if I had, I would never have divorced. The fear of judgment was huge for me at that time, in fact, it still is. I'm still working on this one, but what I do know for sure is that if I had did what others wanted me to, I would still be waking up to bruises and a 30 minute cover up makeup routine at least 3 days a week. They don't see what happens behind closed doors, so they don't have the right to judge me for my decisions.
   
6. Marriage is not for everyone- There. I said it. I think marriage just might be over-rated. It might not be for me. I'm still figuring this one out, but I'm starting to think I'm right.
7. Family will stick by you through thick and thin- as will your dearest friends... Family may annoy you from time to time, but they do love you and mine will do just about anything for me.
   

And yet of course:
Never let another human being cross the line with you physically. But that one should always have been a no-brainer.

Role Models

"Every woman is the leader that she is looking for".
Maria Shriver on Oprah Winfrey Show.

Really powerful words from Maria Shriver. She said that she wants every woman feel that she was the leader she was looking for—that she had that within herself. It's very inspirational to hear, but how do you put it into practice? I would think this means something different to everyone. I would think you would need to define who you need to be and then live your life according to that definition. As inspiring as it is, it's not that easy to do. Emotions take over and we, especially as women, often end up saying or doing things that are not in line with who we want to be. I know I'm guilty of it. Guilty at work, with loved ones, with my children, with family, with friends.

I think that for myself, being the leader that I am looking for would mean a few things, some of which are learnings, some of which I already have:

1. Honesty- Telling the truth even when it is difficult to do- an office friend once told me that only a good friend would tell you when you've coloured your hair a hideous colour. She said it to me once upon a time ago when I dyed it jet black. As self conscious as I felt at the comment, I did appreciate the truth. I remember Oprah once said that she was at an event and Bill Cosby came to her and told her that she was wearing too much makeup and looked ridiculous. She talked about being hurt by the comment, but thankful for it. I personally am a truth teller when it is easy to do so. When it is tough, I bend the truth, avoid the topic, anything not to make someone feel bad or make myself look bad. But being the leader I am looking for would mean dealing with difficult situations as candidly as I can. It also means being honest with myself about what I really want out of life, and facing it with candeur, even when it is hard to do so.
2. Independence- Being the leader I am looking for would mean maintaining my independence. This means my friends, my financial independence, my financial freedom to make my own decisions, and yes a career.
3. Integrity- Integrity is a key- Honesty is definitely a key part of integrity but I mean a bit more here. I'm talking about intentions. About not deliberately hurting others, about being fair in your dealings with people. About the characteristics you hold dear. About knowing the difference between right and wrong doing. About living your life by these values.
   
4. Spirituality- When I say spirituality, I don't mean religion. It's not about prayer alone. It's about knowing that the world brings you what you put in, about the belief that everything happens for a reason, about the ability not to despair in desperate situations, about the ability to see the silver lining in just about everything, and the strength to know that even when you don't see the silver lining, you know it will be just around the corner. I'm not where I would like to be, but I'm better than I was 5 years ago. That's a start.
5. Personality- I think the personality is important. To me, a good leader is outgoing, bold, likable, not afraid to speak out, and fair in their spoken word. They come across confident, and they are comfortable with who they are.
   

What do you think are 5 key areas for a good female leader?

Disney in February

I have booked a short trip to Disney World. I decided that the children needed the break. It's been 41/2 years since my separation and we have never had a true vacation together. The children have suffered, watched our faces as their lives as they knew it shattered into pieces, been abused by their father, watched all the bickering and arguing and been subjected to therapists, doctors, legal assessments etc, etc etc. I feel bad for them. I think they need a break. I most definitely need one. The issue of course is a financial one.

So I called Airmiles. It turns out, I had enough Airmiles for 3 tickets to Disney (I will of course have to pay the taxes). Unfortunately, they will have connections through Washington but at least we will get to go. Then I called Starwood Hotels as I have a Mastercard with MBNA that earns points. Turns out I have enough points for 5 nights in Orlando at a Sheraton Hotel. So, on the evening of Feb 11 we will leave for Florida for 4 days, 5 nights (we get there at midnight on the 12th). We will have to spend the whole day Monday in connections getting home, but at least we get to go and it will cost me Disney entrance, taxes on the airline tickets and food. We will have 4 full days at Disney which given what I am paying, is not a bad deal at all.

Guess all that credit card debt had a small amount of silver lining :)

Anyhow, when I told the children, they were elated. I had to get their dad's permission, and after a bit of arguing, he reluctantly agreed. (I'm guessing that his agreement came from the fact that he would have to provide the children with an explanation around why he refused to let them go to Disney). Either way, he consented, and I have it in writing.

My daughter has been counting the "sleeps" till we get to leave.

I am excited for the opportunity to take them away for a few days. Disney will be fab :)

A Restful Weekend

Mr. NYC was here for the weekend. I can honestly say that we did not do a hell of a lot. We hung out, rested, talked, ate, and just kind of gave each other company. It was nice. Yes, he of course asked/pressed for an answer to his proposal and I of course didn't have one. Scary enough, I don't know when or if I will have one. It's like I'm in a frozen state. I just want to maintain the status quo for now. He wants marriage. I wonder when along the way did I become such a guy? Anyhow, either way, we enjoyed eachother's company and that was good enough for me.

We also went to see Slumdog Millionaire. Awesome film, for those who haven't seen it yet. I really liked it, but found it depressing. I have that child blinding scene stuck in my mind. It made me cry. And I still can't shake it. I always knew stuff like that happened in those countries. Those of you who have known me for years, remember that when I went to Pakistan for my brother's wedding I debated getting a "child leash" for my then 4 year old high-energy son. The reasons were twofold- my kids don't speak urdu, so if they got lost, they wouldn't be able to find their way back or communicate, and I know that in those countries, children are often kidnapped, and have their limbs cut off so they can earn more begging. I didn't want my child to be a casualty. Seeing the movie was very disturbing for me. And it was a bit of an eye opener. We complain about so much about what we don't have, but really, we have so much. It was just a reminder I suppose.

Back to Mr. NYC- I know a few things:

• This would be a lot easier if he lived here- then I wouldn't have to give up as much.
• Mom was right- the longer I live on my own, the less likely I will be willing to share my space with another person.
• I have, somewhere along the way, become a very demanding woman. Any guy who ends up with me will have his hands full. It's often my way or nothing. I know it's wrong, but I know it's true too.
  
• I am confused about what I fundamentally want- marriage/relationship/being alone. Until I figure this out, I will not be able to move forward on any front.
• I know what my inner voice says, I just don't know if I can trust it.

I will figure it all out one day. It's the journey, not the end goal, where all my personal growth and learning will happen...

Accident Prone Kids

I'm sitting here this evening, watching my son read a book. His new sling from his elbow fracture has slowed him down a bit. Some of you who have watched things progress in our lives over the past few years will remember a few of my son's accidents. Like the head stitches or the ear stitches.

My son is accident prone. He gets it from me. I broke just about everything and stitched up just about everything else when I was little. It's funny because our family doctor has been my doctor since I was 4 years old. He's watched me grow up, he's watched me date my now-ex, get married, have kids, get divorced, and now watched my custody case unfold. He has been the children's doctor since they were born. My funniest moment today was when he was examining my son's elbow and he said "this needs xrays". I asked if he was sure, after all, my son is always bumping into things and getting bruised or sore in some spot or another. And he banged this on Friday and is feeling better today. His reply, "Yes, I'm sure. After all, he's YOUR son, with your clumsy genes, and if I've had anything, I've had LOTS of practice with these things on you when you were little".

Yeah, yeah, everyone's a comedian. He did make me smile though.

And he was right. He explained to me that from the place it was swollen he could tell there would likely be a fracture. I waited an hour to get the xrays done and another hour for the results to be phoned in, but he was 100% right. I love my doctor.

You know what else I love? Brave little boys. My son woke up today saying "yeah, it's still sore, but it's a lot better". Even more cute- the way he totally milked it when he found out he would be wearing a sling. Among his list of demands:

• "I don't have to write in school because it's my right arm and the sling is in the way".
• "I should get to play video games instead of doing TaeKwanDo class because of my injury". (As a side note, he was not impressed when I pointed out that if he could play video games then he could also write).
• "I won't go out for recess because my coat won't zip up over the sling". (Well, if the teacher helps it will, but I'm supporting him on this cuz it's freezing outside anyways).
• "I won't wait outside for the school bus because it's cold and my coat won't zip. So my sister can wait in the cold and come inside to call me when the bus arrives". (He is SO lucky that his supportive sis was willing to do this).
• "I couldn't eat lunch today because I couldn't open the food with one hand". (So you managed to eat your potato chips instead of your sandwich? Really?)
• "I can't do my chores" (OK I will give you this one).
• "I can't brush my teeth". (Yes, well that's why God gave you TWO hands....)
  

Kids are hilarious.

Coasting at Work?

Every now and then I get to a point where I get bored at work, or just in need of a change. It has happened to me periodically throughout my career. I think more or less when things are high pressured or uncertain in my personal life, it starts to spill into my professional life. Today, I find myself desperately in need of a change, yet the economy is not all that forgiving and now may not be the best time to make a change in my almost 17 year stable career at the company I am at. So I sit, I wait, I think. I mean 17 years at one company for a girl who is almost 37 (well a month shy). Do the math. I'm ancient here. And I kind of need to see what else there is in the world beyond the fenced in world I have seen thus far.

Then there are days like today. Days where my daughter wakes up sick and needs to go to a doctor. Days where I take both kids into the doctor because my son banged his arm in Tae Kwan Do on Friday again. And I get to the doctor and he says to do xrays. So I wait an hour at the xray clinic and tap away on my blackberry rescheduling meetings. Then I find out he broke his arm. So I drive place to place to find a sling for him. I tap away on my blackberry rearranging my meetings again. Then I get the kids to school at 12:30 and realize (again) that I haven't had breakfast. I'm starving. I realize there is no point in the 1.5hr trek to the office (each way) and so I come home, eat lunch and then proceed to cancel the meetings that I just finished rescheduling two hours ago. At 5pm, I realize I forgot to tell my boss I wasn't coming in. But it's not a big deal. Because nobody mistrusts me, nobody questions me, and my seniority has become my shelter. It is an astronomical blessing for me, but the shelter is also a problem.

Am I too comfortable? I think so. I think I'm also "coasting", and I think I might even be getting lazy. I also know which corners can be cut, and when I can cut them. Maybe I've become too efficient doing what I do. I can do some of it with my eyes closed, and so yes, I am getting bored again. Two years in my current role, that's about the right time to need a change.


Here is the big question- am I SO comfortable that I would never survive anywhere else? Have I sat in my comfort zone too long? Yes, this company respects me, but would another? It's like the animal who lived in a zoo. Would they ever survive outside the zoo? Or have they become too accustomed to getting their meals at a particular time served right to them? Am I that zoo animal?

It's weird, it's not the market to be thinking like this, yet here I am. And that, too, on a day where I should be infinitely grateful for the luxury of flexibility and stability.

My logical side says to park this for a few months. But only for a few...

Back to Work

The first day back after a long break is never easy. For some reason I am totally exhausted and all I did is sit at a desk all day. I just don't get it.

It was tough getting the kids up this morning. I had them asleep by 9pm (30 minutes past bedtime) but that isn't so bad. I think the sleeping-in routine has become, well, a routine.

Anyhow, either way, I survived. The kids were 5mins late for school but otherwise it all turned out OK. We should be back on track tomorrow.

On the plus side, I called my insurance company. They reassured me that my recent at-fault accident won't affect my insurance. I get one at-fault accident forgiveness, so I've basically used that up.

Yaay.

I'm sure you're all wondering what happened on the Mr. NYC front. He was here for a visit this weekend. We had a nice time, but I haven't made any final decisions. It's a big decision and it affects not only my life, but the children's lives, his childrens' lives, my family, and my ex (not that we care much about him).

I think I will need a couple of months to ponder that one....

Hope you're all well...

Know where you’re going in life….you may already be there.

This was adorable. I got it in an email, and I just had to share...

I think we can all benefit from a pause to think about what we really want out of life...

------------

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered the Mexican.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. . I have a full life.”

The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.”

“And after that?” asked the Mexican.

“With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the Mexican.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.

“And after that?”

“Well my Friend, That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?” said the Mexican.

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.”

And the moral is:

Know where you’re going in life….you may already be there.

The Year in Review

I always like to look at my past year as the year comes to the end. I like to look at what went well and what was not so great. And I consistently hope that the next year will be better, although I have to admit, I don't know if my hoping has helped much thus far.

I have to say that 2008 was my worst year yet. There was a lot of difficult stuff to deal with and stress was high all year round:

• I had the CAS case in Jan where my ex left a bruise on my son in the beginning of the year, resulting in CAS involvement and police involvement
• I had to go through the court ordered family assessment for 6 months (but as a plus, thank God it went well in the end)
• I had to deal with massive financial issues, which are still ongoing unfortunately
  
• I had the usual ongoing banter with my ex (but I guess that isn't new)
• I had to deal with health issues for a few months which almost resulted in surgery (but fortunately they all turned out OK)
  
• My son was diagnosed with ADHD and we had to put him on medication (but as a plus, he is doing noticeably better now and his confidence in himself is better)
  
• My mom was hospitalized in Feb/March and then had her knee surgery in Sept (but fortunately, everything is OK and she is now better off than she was before the surgery- less pain, and much more mobile)
• The court case is still dragging on
  

What went well this year/what I accomplished:

• I have been doing well at work
• I made some very rich, meaningful friendships- not new people, but deepened some of my existing relationships
• The court case looks like it should be moving in my favor (keep your fingers crossed)
• My health is good, and I kept off the weight that I lost in 2007

It may not sound like much, but the big accomplishment for me tonight was to see the silver lining in all the bad stuff that happened.

One thing I know for sure is that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we don't understand the reason when we are in the depth of things, but there is a reason and if we are lucky we will get to know what it was at some point during our lifetime.

I'm really looking forward to 2009. I really think this will be a good year for me. A year of personal growth, spiritual growth, and hopefully some key decisions as well.

And really- 2008 sucked, so I am just glad it is over.

Bring on the New Year...

Goals for 2009

I have some goals for 2009. These are not New Year's Resolutions. I hate those. You make one small slip and they go out the window. These are more like things I would like to achieve, or come close to achieving when I look back on the year as a whole in Dec 2009. It's not an 'all or nothing' deal like a resolution, it's more of a' I hope that the graph is trending in the right direction' on these things...

1. Learning from my experiences with people- not walking down the same road twice
2. Cut the potty mouth- no more expletives (thanks to my dear friend for that one)
3. Telling the truth, even when I don't like the consequences (I was always a truth teller, but this year, I've lost a bit of that....I've learned to lie my way out of a few situations, and I don't like that side of myself)
4. Grow spiritually- whether it be religious or just the universal laws of the world
5. Watch my health- try to stick to the gym and keep eating healthy (I'm half way there, but I started slacking since Ramadan)

Notice that these are directional things. I could have said "lose 20lbs" but really, that's not what I mean. If I eat even healthier (I'm not totally bad right now) and feel good physically and lose only 5lbs, I will still feel I accomplished that goal. As another example, if I reduce 90% of the potty mouth, I will feel good about that one....get the point?

I would like to say that I want to figure out my life and have a set plan for where I want to go directionally, but I don't know- maybe that is too much to ask?

How about hoping to become more grounded by the end of 2009...is that a reasonable goal?

Treat Others as they Treat you

And never forget the lesson.

Life is confusing enough. I no longer believe that it is about being good to everyone, being kind to everyone. I'm not sure that these things always get returned to you.

I think there is an element of learning that needs to happen. You need to be kind to people, but within reason. If someone hurts you, harms you, abandons you, whatever it may be, you simply do not go back for more. You learn from what life has taught you and you move on. Being kind to someone who does not return your kindness is not a sign of a good person. It's the sign of a stupid person.

People need to open their eyes and see what is around them. Look at your life's experiences and learn from what you are being shown.

We as humans are often guilty of making some mistakes over and over again. I get that. We are guilty of not knowing when we have walked a similar road before. I get that too. It explains why many abused women for example, end up with abusive men even the second time through.

But there is NO EXCUSE for going back to the SAME PERSON for more once they have kicked you. That is just plain stupid.

We as humans need to at least learn how not to walk down the exact same road a second time through. A similar road maybe, but not the same one.

I'm sure this is not making much sense to any of you, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

I have a few things going on in my life. I'm looking at them all- relationships past and present, friends and how they treat me, as well as my friends' experiences. There is a consistent theme. I don't learn from what life has taught me, and I do go back to the same person with hope: hope that they will change, hope that things will be different, hope that they will treat me as I treat them, but it always ends up the same.

I have a few goals for next year. One of them will be to open my eyes and start learning from my experiences.

Pay Attention...

Especially when you are on the road. What a day.

I went out to buy some sweaters for my daughter. It's cold and her sweaters don't fit her anymore. I had just finished shopping and I was heading for the gym. I was distracted. I have had a lot on my mind. I looked away. And then I smashed into the car in front of me.

She was driving an SUV. Her car is fine. Mine is a wreck. The bumper is toast. The hood is toast. That is what happens when a civic hits an SUV. He bumper will probably need to be replaced, but it's not anywhere near what happened to my car.

The 6 demerit point, $350 careless driving fine was salt in my wounds.

I feel like shit. It's my fault, totally, so I have no right to complain. But I am complaining anyways. Maybe it's what I do best.

So now, I have a rental. Which is fine. I have to talk to the insurance company on Monday. Let's see how that goes.

I'm tired. I really need a new beginning. I'm just wondering when it will come. The highlight of my day was lunch with one of my dear friends. Small pockets of happiness in an otherwise shitty day. Thank God for those, otherwise, what else would we have to make it through?

Independence

There is a very fine line between being an independent woman and being selfish/stubborn. I'm not too sure where that line is, and it's probably why I get into the situations that I do.

Is there such a thing as being too independent? If there is, I think I suffer from it.

Today I feel like my head is just not on straight, like I make stupid decisions and like I suffer from having unrealistic expectations. Today I feel like I have allowed myself to become too much, that I have gone too far, and that I hurt my future because of who I am. It's possible to think too highly of yourself, to expect too much, to have become too stubborn.

I'm not sure what made me this way. I've been giving it a lot of thought today. I think my past experience in marriage. I mean, he was so abusive, so brutally abusive and I allowed it to happen. I should have left, but I never did. Recently, someone close to me asked how it was possible that someone like me could be abused like that. He said he would have expected me to hit back and walk away, call the cops and have my then-husband arrested. But I didn't. That wasn't me. But now I think it is me.

In fact, I think the pendulum has swung the other way. I am so protective of myself, I ask so much of life, I am so demanding, that I don't think that abusive type of guy would ever have a chance in my life.

But here is the problem. Neither would any other guy. It is indeed really difficult to be with me.

Yesterday, Mr. NYC asked me to marry him. For real. He wanted to make wedding plans. He wanted me to come to NYC to meet his family and formalize an engagement. He wanted me to wear his ring.

And I froze. Paralyzed. No answer. I told him I need a few days to think.

You see, all this time, I thought he was non-committal. I thought this was going nowhere. I thought I was wasting my time. And so, I was going to end things, thinking he would never want a long term thing, that he would never actually commit to me. I wasn't expecting this. It was everything I wanted for so long, and now that it is in reach, I'm paralyzed.

I feel afraid. I mean, give up my entire life here in Toronto? My home, my career, my parents, my friends? My whole life?

But do you turn down a good guy out of fear?

I have never been so messed up. Part of me thinks that somewhere along the way, it is ME who is no longer marriage material. Once upon a time ago I was the perfect wife. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. I'm just shocked. Do I love Mr. NYC? Absolutely.

The real question is, will I ever love anyone enough to risk marriage again? Am I capable of being married again? I have a few days to figure all this out. Forgive me for not being a giddy school girl. I am almost 5 yrs divorced, and hundreds of bruises past the stage of being giddy over the thought of another marriage. Touched yes. Flattered yes. Decisive, hell no. I'm just all cold feet right now.

And the poor guy is sitting in NYC waiting for an answer from me. I think he expected an instant yes. He said he understands, that I wasn't expecting the question. He is surprised that I need to think about it, but understanding nonetheless.

And so I spin...

Taming the Beast

Today was a hellish day. I had to play the role of super-bitch. I had to be the strict mother.

I need to reign in my son. I need to tame his inner beast. And I need to do it now. So today was the start of tough love.

I gave the kids the new house rules.

1. For the next 7 days, they are off of electronics. No TV, no computer, no video games. This is a consequence for their disgusting behaviour last night.
2. The above mentioned electronics are, effective immediately, an earned privilege, not a right. Meaning, they can earn time on them, but they don't just get time on them. I'm hoping to encourage them to be better with their behavior and more respectful towards me. Disrespect towards their mother means no privileges. Being kind to each other and respecting me means they can get time on their electronic toys.
3. I will be buying poker chips. They can earn a chip after a couple of hours of good behaviour. Bad behaviour means they lose a chip. 10 chips equals 15 minutes on an electronic of their choice. That's right. They better be good if they want TV time.
   

I know it sounds mean, but I need to un-spoil my kids.

It's time to kick some butt. No more nice mom.

My line today. "Things are going to change around here".

I had to start the day with "how dare you even think you can speak to me the way you did last night".

I mean seriously. This is out of control. I'm hoping this will work. If it doesn't, I have two kids for sale. One takes out the garbage and unloads the dishwasher. Any takers?

The Difficult Child

My son's temperament continues to scare me. His tantrums are out of control. I wonder what I am doing to fail as a mother. I do the best I can, I hardly sleep because I work so hard, and then I get this for a child. It just doesn't seem fair. Some days, I want to give him to someone else and let them raise him. I feel so frustrated it's impossible. And yet I know I am the only real parent they have. It's just too much pressure for one person.

Tonight I had a friend over. My son didn't seem to care, he threw his tantrum and humiliated me.

I'm so frustrated. Some days I hate being a single mom. It's also unfortunate that my ex is a nutjob. It means I get no support from anyone.

At the end of the day, we all stand alone.

Happy Eid...

Today was Eid. I had the day off work. I spent the morning at home. The kids were with their dad. I decided to take advantage of it and went to the gym early in the morning. Yes I know it's Eid. But I felt I needed to clear my head.

I was waiting for something from a friend today. I've actually been waiting to hear from this person for 2 weeks. We had a major disagreement two weeks ago and it's been bugging me. But I couldn't be the one to call and resolve it. Not this time. And then at 11am, after two weeks of frustration, all I get is an SMS. Happy Eid to you and the kids and your family. That's it. After two weeks.

I was expecting something more I guess. I expected wrong. My reply. "Same to you. Please take care of yourself".

I guess that's some sort of closure on a friendship. If you want to call it that. I felt like crap for a few hours today. I debated picking up the phone and calling my friend, but my gut told me to leave good enough alone. So I did.

A most uneventful way to totally end a friendship.

Either way. Eid Mubarak.

A Temperamental Child

My son is very temperamental. It never ends with him. I often wonder how much of it is the attention deficit disorder, how much of it is learned from his dad, and how much of it is just his nature. I suppose I will never have an answer to that question, and I will probably spend the rest of my life trying to play with the cards that I have been dealt.

But sometimes it is just really difficult.

Last night I went to a friend's place for dinner. As usual, my son acted up, all angry and throwing a tantrum. He just wouldn't let up. It lasted over an hour. I eventually calmed him down but it took a seriously long time and I was humiliated, and frustrated, and left feeling that life will forever be hopeless. It's not like he is going to get better in high school. That's arguably when a child just gets worse. And then I kept asking myself, what do I have to look forward to in life? Nothing really. It was a miserable way to feel, and it kept me up most of the night.

I honestly feel like giving up. I felt like I can never move on, never be in a relationship because no guy will tolerate my son and his outbursts. I feel like I should just plan to live alone, plan short term relationships to pass the time, but never commit to anything long term. Then I will spare myself the day when someone will tell me that they can't be with me, because it is just too difficult to be around a difficult child.

It's not like anyone has ever said this to me, but I can see the judgement in people's eyes when my son acts up. I feel like saying "I am not a bad mother". Then again, he is not a bad child, but he can act pretty damned bad when he's in an off mood.

Sigh. I'll stop the rant, I know it's not going anywhere. Maybe it's the combination of 4 hrs sleep and an insurmountable pile of tasks waiting to be finished that is getting to me today and exacerbating the issue.

Two Years is a Long Time

And yet not long at all. I really miss him. This year, I've been missing him more than ever. Especially the past few months. And I don't know why it's come up like this. I find myself asking the questions again- why did he do it, how could he do it, why didn't he listen to me, why did he leave us when so many people loved him. And I still get shivers every time I drive under the Leaside bridge. I wonder which part of the bridge he jumped from, and what he was thinking his last few minutes in this world. And then I wonder why he did it without even saying goodbye.

We were such great friends, and he never even said goodbye.

My last face to face conversation with him was an argument. A back and forth. "You need help", "No I don't"....I knew he needed help. And I bet that he already knew what he was going to do. I love him and hate him all at once. And I hate myself for not doing more to help him.

I find sometimes I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could tell him how my life is going. I wish I could tell him how much he brought to my life, how he was one of the best friends I ever had. I wish I could tell him how much I miss him. I wish I could see his reasurring smile, just one more time. Or that look that says "Ok Shaz. Calm down". Or just to hear him tell me that I am a great person and that one day I will meet the right guy and have all the happiness I deserve. (He would say that alot).

I firmly believe we all meet again in heaven. And I find I'm still angry with Syd. When I meet him in heaven, first I'm going to slap him for what he did and then I will hug him because I've missed him so much.

But first I slap him for being so selfish and dark. It was so unlike him to commit suicide. And it was also the boldest move of his life. A fitting way to end I suppose, for a guy who stayed quiet, who remained patient, who tried to please everyone. It's like snubbing the world for all that it gave you just before you leave. But some of us didn't deserve the snubbing.

I still haven't gone to the cemetery. It's been two years, and I haven't had the courage to go. I miss him so much I know it would be emotional and I still feel so angry that I don't want to go. And so I haven't gone. Maybe next year.

Then again, maybe not.

Two years and it's still all there. Sure it doesn't consume me, but it really hasn't left me either. I find that I think of him alot. I was watching a movie the other day and the guy was about to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. I felt so emotional, I couldn't watch it. I think it will stay with me for life. When friends don't return phone calls I think the worst. After all, the last friend who refused to take my calls while he was upset ended up comitting suicide. Naturally when someone is upset and they don't pick up the phone, my mind goes to a very scary place.

I wonder if he even knew what he would be doing to the lives of others...

I miss you Sydney. I hope you're in a peaceful place.

Friday afternoon working from home

In my jeans. Sipping chai. Loving it.

I had my ultrasound again. I don't want to talk much about it, but I have a cyst on my ovaries that has apparently been getting bigger. It's been causing a lot of pain lately, to the point where my evenings are a write off. I come home and I feel dead to the world. It's been this way for a couple of months. No energy to cook, and I can't move off the couch. I do homework with the kids at the coffee table so I can lie on the couch and check their homework without getting up.

Today was another ultrasound. I get the results next week. It's benign so nothing to worry about from that angle, but the pain is bad. I've even left a few meetings at work on a couple of occasions because I just couldn't sit there that long.

But today, although the pain is just brutal from the ultrasound, I am enjoying these 2 hours of solitude working, sipping chai, and just being alone.

I'm told that little moments of gratitude are baby steps to happiness. Here's to finding happiness again one day.

Never Judge Another Person

Because we as humans are much more alike than we are different.

Interesting Quote from an Oprah show I was watching last night. Unfortunately, I'm guilty as charged. One of the things I've started to see lately is that the mirror gets held up to me often enough. Just when I think "I would NEVER be capable of that" or I look at someone and think 'how could you do that to your child, or how could you say that to someone, or how could you conduct yourself in that manner?', I find myself in a similar situation, doing something not that far off.

We are all humans. We will all make mistakes.

Back in my hijab days, I remember the extremely judgmental attitude I had when I saw people doing things wrong. I would think to myself "why does that guy bother praying when he cheats on his wife? Why does she wear hijab if she has a boyfriend? Why does he fast in Ramadan if he is a drinker the rest of the year?"

And then I realized it. Nobody is perfect. Nobody can be perfect. We all have different weaknesses, different faults, and we all struggle. Some of us try to be good people despite of our faults, and some of us just don't bother trying at all. But at the end of the day, you cannot slight a person for their faults, nor should you judge them for trying to maintain some amount of goodness where ever possible.

The guy who cheats on his wife is better off praying than not. The guy who fasts in Ramadan is better off doing it than not. These things are all better in small ways than not doing them I guess. Or maybe for those people it keeps them on track and prevents them for doing more harm. Who knows? But we can't judge.

There was a man on Oprah who had killed someone, and everyone judged him. And she said "we are more alike than we are different". It's true. The only thing that stops some of us from not going totally evil is the conscience.

But everyone's conscience has a breaking point too. That's just human nature.

My recent life experiences have taught me a few things. Just when I think I cannot be capable of something, a mirror is held up and I am forced to see who I really am. And while I know I am a good person in many ways, I am very far from perfect. So I have no right to judge another. And nobody has the right to judge me either.

I Want a Giraffe

To hell with princes. I want a giraffe.

I saw Madagascar 2 the other day. It wasn't as great as part 1, but it was still a good movie. But there was one major thing that stuck with me. I want to find a giraffe.

Melman the giraffe is this adorable yet nerdy, sweet yet goofy giraffe who falls in love with the hippo. He is soft natured, loving, crazy, but at the end of the day, will do anything for the one that he loves.

I want a giraffe. I just don't know if they really exist. All the men I have met always have some agenda or another. They are never truly altruistic like Melman. Maybe asking for one is just too much to ask. Maybe that's why you only find them in movies.

But I can say this....I am determined to be with a person who comes pretty damned close to being a giraffe. I know I am not a saint, but I am somehow starting to see my worth. I'm realizing that I do alot for the ones that I love, and that it may not be too much to ask for someone to reciprocate.

So I wait for a giraffe. In the meantime, a dear friend bought me a mini beanie baby version of Melman. I loved it. I kept it by my side. As I lie here on my bed blogging, Melman is sitting right here with me on my bed, keeping me company with his warmth and his smile.

This will do just fine until the real one comes along.

I hope the universe doesn't disappoint me by telling me that Melman doesn't exist.

I wait anxiously...

ADHD Medication

It's been a busy week. I'm fed up, tired, and hating life at the moment.

I took my son to the specialist for his ADHD on Tuesday. His dad came too. Nevermind the fact that I received a million emails beforehand about how he didn't like my choice of doctors, and that I was afraid he would go and cancel the appointment on me last minute, but we made it there. And the doctor prescribed medication. I knew it was coming, but still, it's so controversial, I really didn't want him on meds. I feel like I failed as a mother.

I was tempted to call an office colleague who lives nearby. Her son was also diagnosed with the same thing, and so she understands all of this. But I didn't. I didn't want to bother her, I didn't want to impose. Yet I knew that had I called it would not have been an imposition. I guess I'm a bit weird that way.

I get home and get a call from my brother. His judgement was overwhelming. "How could you drug up your own child? Why do that to a poor kid? Why not just spend more time with him at night so he will be OK?"

Seriously? Like I need to hear that shit. Like I don't feel like a failure already. Family can be so very cruel.

So I get the prescription filled and start my son on the meds. I monitor him like crazy. His appetite has decreased in the day (But he makes up for it in the morning and night). He has a harder time falling asleep. My boss (whose child also has the same condition) advised me not to let my son know that insomnia is a side effect or he will use it as an excuse. Good advice, actually.

I worked closely with my son's teacher to monitor his work. He was kind enough to email me. At least my son is showing a noticeable change in focus. The teacher said to me that this was the most focus he has ever seen from my son, and the most legible handwriting yet. That is promising.

And then the kicker. My son asks "So how many days will I need the medication for? When will I be all better?" How do you answer that? I said "I'm not sure yet." He says "Well I won't need it forever right? When will I stop being sick?" I explain that he isn't sick, but that his brain doesn't have the same chemical that other people's does and so we are helping it along. His reply "Mommy, I promise to be good if we stop making me take them".


Baby, it isn't your fault, I thought to myself. But how do I explain all this to him?

I feel useless. I feel hopeless. I feel like a failure. For the past two nights I have come home, looked at my son and gone to my room to cry. I never wanted to do this. I just want him to be OK.

The Worry Dolls

I gave my daughter a set of worry dolls today. I thought they were a neat idea. A very dear friend recently noted that my daughter "thinks a lot" and that she seems to have a lot on her mind. On a previous occasion, I took her to the doctor to find out why she can't fall asleep at night. He told me that she is a young child and that going through a parental divorce is a very stressful thing for a child and so she seems to worry a lot. Anyhow, I thought the worry dolls were cute so I gave them to her this evening.

She loved them. I explained to her that the little dolls are her friends. She picks one doll at night, tells it about her worries, gives it a kiss and puts it under her pillow. She can go to sleep and the doll will take the worries far away while she is sleeping. My daughter was overjoyed. She thanked me profusely, hugged me, kissed me and thanked me for loving her. I am shocked. They are just worry dolls after all!

A few minutes later, I saw her sitting in the corner, whispering to the dolls and kissing them. I asked her what she was doing. She said she was introducing herself to her new friends because they were going to help her sleep at night. She was really excited and wanted to go to sleep early!

I'm not sure what to make of this. I mean, the dolls were given to me by someone at work as a promotional item. I just had them lying around and thought she would like them. I am dying to know what "worries" she will be sharing with the dolls and what it is exactly that keeps her up at night. But if these little wooden stick dolls fix something I have been trying to fix for months, well.... then I will just count my blessings.

And I will be thankful for one less worry. Bless these dolls.

Tinker Bell Goes to Town

Today is my baby's 7th Birthday. She woke up early for what was probably the first time in her life. She ran to my room, jumped on my bed screaming "It's my birthday. Everybody has to be nice to me!!"

What? Like we are normally mean or something?

But it was cute. She got dressed up in her Tinker Bell outfit and I took her to school. She got out of the car and skipped into the school. I told the teacher at the kiss n ride that it was her 7th birthday. This was not her teacher, some other teacher who barely knows my daughter. Her reply, "Honey, I think the whole school already knows that. She made it a point to tell everyone yesterday. She said 'tomorrow is my birthday so don't forget to say happy birthday to me'".

Wow. I wonder if I was like that when I was little?

Still, I did leave the school with a smile. She's hilarious. I love her. I'm so glad to have her in my life.

Happy Birthday Mary!

Happy Halloween!

My Little Tinker Bell

My baby wants to dress as Tinker Bell for Halloween. I searched everywhere and stores were sold out of her size. So I convinced her to be something else. OK that's a half lie. I didn't like that the outfits were so short and that she would freeze in it. So I convinced her to be Batgirl.

Today, I decided to go and get her outfit while she was visiting with her dad. Small problem, Batgirl outfits were sold out. So were Tinker Bell, and pretty much every Disney Princess imaginable to mankind.

I went to 5 stores. I finally, at Toys R Us, found slim pickings and decided to get her some random fairy costume. Not Tinker Bell, but it will have to do.

I was at the checkout. And I looked at the costume and saw that it had a tear. So I went back to the slim pickings rack and LO and BEHOLD...there was one random TINKER BELL outfit. One problem, No wings. I searched through the store and they finally agreed to take the wings off of a Tinker bell dress up line (different from the Halloween line).

I go to the register and to top it off, the outfit was on sale. For 12 bucks. Rockin Awesome.

I come home and my daughter is overjoyed. "Mommy you remembered my favourite. I love you!". She put the outfit on, it fit perfectly and she jumped up and down on my sofa in her fairy wings, singing all the while. It was pure heaven.

I would do it all again. Nevermind that it took me 2.5 hours and 5 stores. It was well worth it.

And she looks cuter than....well, cuter than Tinkerbell herself!

Moving out at 18

My children spent this weekend with their father. As I was putting my son to bed tonight, he asked me if he can move out when he is 18. I find this concerning, given he is just shy of being 9 years old. I asked him what the benefit would be of moving out.

It turns out that his rationale for moving out is that he would have the choice around which parent to spend time with on any given day, around balancing time between his mom and dad, as well as the luxury of "my house, my rules". He can play video games all day and eat nesquik all day. The latter around "my house, my rules" I understand. I'm sure he hates my Nintendo DS rules which are 30 minutes max per day, not before 5pm or after 8pm, and only if your homework is done. The former reason around being with both parents, I find a bit concerning.

You see, it just shows how very aware he is of the constant struggle between his father and I. He said if he had his own house, we could come and see him when we wanted to, and he wouldn't have to go back and forth between two homes. Interestingly enough, when we went through the assessment earlier this year, the assessor had told me about this. He said that the disruption of two homes has a bigger impact on children than we will ever know. Adults can handle it because we walk around with our high level calendars in our heads. But children of divorced homes don't know if they are coming or going.

I just find all of this very sad.

I don't want my son to feel the loss with his dad. His father has been on better behavior lately (we know these periods are always short lived though). When their dad is behaving better, the kids wish to see him more. It's understandable. However, I'm not sure where the balance is. For now, I feel the need to protect the kids from their dad. I don't want him to hurt them again. On the other hand, I need to allow them to feel comfortable enough to know that their relationship is not being stifled, especially not by me. It's all such a delicate balance...

I had always hoped that the children would live with me until they finished University. A good friend recently told me that it is better that they get their space and move out when they start University at 19. Let them grow and mature and live in residence, he says.

It's all a lot to think about. For now, I'll take happiness in the fact that I have a good 10 years before having to face this discussion for real. In the meantime, today my answer to him was that of course he can move out. As long as he can afford to live on his own income. Then he asked if I would get him a job at my company. No joke. I said yes. He thought for a minute and then said "Well, let's see. Maybe I'll just live in your basement".

And there is yet another topic for discussion....the new generation of freeloading children :D

How Do You End a Rut?

How do we get out of the Ratrace? Seriously? Do you ever feel like life has gotten so monotonous that you don't know when it will ease up? I'm going through that these days.

I keep thinking that things will get easier as the children get older. And then I remember what Mr. NYC says to me. Bigger kids, bigger problems. Well when does it get easier?

I get up at 5:30 am every day. I get showered and changed, I pack lunches, I dress the children, give them breakfast, and get them to school by 8:30. I get to work at 9:45 or 10am depending on traffic. I work hard, I leave at 4:45. I get to the daycare at 6:30. I get the kids home, give them dinner, do homework, put them to bed, and then I work on office stuff on my computer until midnight. And then I get up at 5:30 again.

I'm getting tired. I just want to sleep. I need to be left alone.

And then when I get a weekend without the kids I have a million chores to do.

I'm seriously going to take a weekend and turn off the blackberry and sit home and veg. No people, no conversations.

But back to my point, when does it end? What do we have to really look forward to? What is the next step?

Marriage? Well that comes with its own complications. And really, I don't know if I really want to base my future dreams around a man. I did that once. It didn't work. No more putting eggs in one basket.

So what is the next step in life? There is a big gap of time before the kids move out on their own. So I'm mommy for a long time. I'm also the provider, the cook, the cleaner.

What else am I? An employee. One who is undervalued at times.

What else am I? Where am I going? This is all really scary for me. I mean, what is the next goal in life as a single mom? Not finding a man is it? Not getting married, please don't tell me that....so what is the point of all this?

My mother loves her blackberry

Well this is sad. Talk about having guilt as a single mom. We were at my parent's home tonight. My sister called me and I wasn't listening. She called again. I didn't answer. Then she says to my daughter "I think your mommy is ignoring me"

My daughter's response "She's probably on her blackberry. That's all she ever does. And then she ignores everyone".

How sad. How sad that I've become this. How sad that my daughter knows it. How sad that I am fighting so hard to balance work and life as a single mom, and that just as I think I'm almost there, I get this.

Just when we think we have reached some sort of a destination, we realize we have barely started the journey. Sigh.

Now, I need to find a way to park the blackberry when I'm around the kids.

Sorting out Life

I've had another rough patch. One of those "I don't want to be around anyone" periods in my life. I have one friend that I have been leaning on, but other than that, the world has been shut out lately. Just going through a funk I guess.

It doesn't help that this weekend was insanely busy. I had appts for the kids, a birthday party for the kids to attend and then some. No time to breathe. I even had to cancel my gym workout :( BOO.

I need this court stuff to close now. I need it to be over. With our pre-trial date in Jan, this looks quite a ways off.

Have you ever had a time when you needed to get away? I'm going through that now....

Looking Out the Window

Another "awww" moment, compliments of my daughter....

"Mommy- when I'm at daddy's home, do you look out the window?"
"Sure I do honey. Why?"
"Because when I'm there, I look out the window and whisper every night to you. I say 'Goodnight mommy. I love you and miss you'".

I could feel my eyes welling up....

"Baby, I think I hear you. And I say that I love you too".
"I'm glad we love each other mommy"
"So am I honey. So am I"....

Everybody say "awww"....

Facebook

Today my ex did yet another irresponsible thing. I know, I shouldn't be surprised right? But seriously, I am royally ticked. He setup a facebook account for my 8 year old boy. I got an invite from my son to add him as a friend. Now where do I start with WHY I am so ticked?

1. It is highly inappropriate for an 8 yr old to have a facebook account.
2. It is even against the facebook privacy policy to have an account under the age of 13.
3. My ex told my son to enter the wrong date of birth to open an account. He basically taught my son that it is OK to lie online to get what you want.
4. He setup my son's profile as "single" and "interested in men". WTF??
5. He added a picture of my son to the profile!
6. He never even spoke to me about it first. Hello? Social networking site for an 8 year old?!

I waited until my son came home and I spoke to him about it. I explained that it is not right to lie on these sites and that there is a reason why it has an age of 13. He asked if he could please keep it and I explained that while I really would love to do this for him, it just wouldn't be right. He paused a moment and said "if it makes you that unhappy that I have it, let's just cancel it".

I love my little boy. Thank God these are the days where they still respect their mothers.

I will be shutting down that account and sending an email to his father.

What a royal idiot.

There are Always two Sides to Each Story

Have you ever misjudged someone? I mean REALLY misjudged someone? Like have one of those purely I-know-this-is-so-black-and-white moments, only to find out you were wrong?

I had one of those today. I judged someone so harshly, and was so unforgiving, only to find out that I was the one who was wrong. I, without meaning to, made a mistake and then judged someone for the outcome. In turn, this person, knowing they had been treated harshly, still let it go. All they said is "Don't worry, you didn't know. I'm sure if you knew the truth you wouldn't have reacted that way".

I have so much to learn. Thankfully, I have amazing teachers to learn from.

Sometimes what you see is not the whole picture. Things are not always as they seem.

Eid Comes and Goes

The past two weeks went by really fast. My mom came home from the hospital just in time for Eid. I was glad to have her home. Eid was insanely busy. I visited many families etc. Basically, I attended 5 events on Eid, which was a weekday and I had to go to work the next day! Seriously, I need to start taking the day AFTER Eid off from now on.

Other than that, things are normal. I am finding myself insanely tired lately. And the recent assessment report results seem to have pushed my ex into another manic episode. I'm trying to keep him away from me but his angry emails are starting to be a bit much for me.

Fortunately, I have friends around that are always a wonderful support. Right now, I'm just trying to get through the next while. My ex has completely stopped paying all child support, so it's running a bit tight. I'm sure this is his way of torturing me for having things go my way. The way I see it, if I can survive this, I will be able to survive just about anything.

Here's to strength and independence. To hell with creepy ex husbands.