Falling and Getting up Again

Everything in life has meaning. The bigger the fall, the greater the lesson.
-Oprah Winfrey

Have I mentioned yet that I LOVE Oprah Winfrey?

I don't even know where to begin with this one. She's right...the bigger the fall, the greater the lesson. Here is the thing...sometimes, we learn a lesson without even realizing it or understanding it until years later.

Take for example, my divorce. When I first divorced my husband, I thought my lessons were that you should never let a man touch you in an abusive manner, ever. That if he does, you should leave him right away, because he will never change. But really, that was just a scratch-the-surface-lesson.

When I look back at the same thing now, I see really different lessons. They are bigger, they direct which way I'm going, and they have changed who I am.

Here are the lessons I see now:

1. Always trust your gut instinct- Even when you are hoping that it is wrong, or just "nerves". So, now I'm going to confess something. Two weeks before my wedding I felt sick to my stomach. Physically ill. I felt like I didn't want to get married. I chalked it up as nerves, as cold feet. I kept telling myself "But he's so great. He loves me so much. He would do anything for me. How many girls get to marry their high school sweetheart?". When the nerves didn't go away, I said to myself "650 invitations have gone out. Now shut up and get married before you humiliate the entire family". I wish I had trusted my instincts. I would have been in a different place today.
2. Don't make a life choice if it's only to make others happy- Sounds obvious right? Not so obvious if you were born and raised in a Desi household. Unfortunately, Desi girls are raised to sacrifice for their families, their children, but they never put themselves first. A woman's life is about sacrifice. One thing I've learned- you have to put your own interests in the mix too. Nobody else will take care of you, you have to take care of yourself. Difficult decisions will result in personal growth.
3. Financial independence is very important- When my daughter (second child) was born, I almost quit my job to be an at-home mom. I felt guilty going to work and leaving two kids under the age of two behind with a babysitter. A little voice inside me (one that I listened to this time) told me not to. It told me that things were rough and while I wasn't thinking divorce, I would need to know for myself that I am staying in the marriage because I wanted to, not because I had to. If I became financially dependent, my choices would be limited. I listened to that voice, and I thank God that I did.
4. A community of people that will disown you are not really your friends- And you don't need them. I haven't stayed in touch with everyone from my old group. There are a few that have remained my very best friends. And while the thought of being disowned by people was devastating at first, it really hasn't been a big deal at all. The friends I have are so much dearer, and they are true friends indeed.
5. You can't base your life on what others will think of you- Because if I had, I would never have divorced. The fear of judgment was huge for me at that time, in fact, it still is. I'm still working on this one, but what I do know for sure is that if I had did what others wanted me to, I would still be waking up to bruises and a 30 minute cover up makeup routine at least 3 days a week. They don't see what happens behind closed doors, so they don't have the right to judge me for my decisions.
   
6. Marriage is not for everyone- There. I said it. I think marriage just might be over-rated. It might not be for me. I'm still figuring this one out, but I'm starting to think I'm right.
7. Family will stick by you through thick and thin- as will your dearest friends... Family may annoy you from time to time, but they do love you and mine will do just about anything for me.
   

And yet of course:
Never let another human being cross the line with you physically. But that one should always have been a no-brainer.