I Wonder How it Would Feel

If we had a dad like that.

This is the conversation that I heard in the car driving home yesterday. My son and daughter were talking. They were talking about Rich. They were saying that it would be so cool to have someone like him as a father. Mary said "Can you even IMAGINE what it would be like to have a dad like that? A dad who is fun, who is nice, who is patient? Why did we get a mean dad? How does God decide which kids get the nice dads and which ones get the mean ones?"

I felt so sorry for them when I heard that. Thank God they didn't ask me the question. I truly don't have the answer. I've been asking myself that very question "How does God decide which girls get the nice husbands and which ones get the creeps?"

I didn't say a word. I just listened. I had no way to console them, no way to make them feel better, no idea what would help.

A mother who can't make it better. How nice. Aren't mothers supposed to be able to make everything better? At least when the children are little, and their issues/problems are on a smaller scale to what they are when they become teenagers?

I was tucking my daughter in at night and and she asked how we know that God made good decisions. Oh crap. Another question that I am not able to answer. I suck at this. Parenting is really hard work. I asked her what she meant. She asked "How do you know that God sees and knows everything? What if he misses something? Maybe that explains why some people suffer more than others. Maybe God doesn't know everything, so that's why everything is not always fair".

Double crap.

I explained to her that part of faith is "blind trust". That we trust in God, even though we don't see him or talk to him, but that the justice piece all works out in the end. You may see an injustice today, but it may get double better next year, to make up for what happened this year.

"What if you don't really believe that there is a God anymore?"
"Mary- are you saying that you don't believe in God?"
"I think that's what I mean. If God is there, he isn't very fair. So if he's there, he's mean. Either that, or maybe he isn't there".

Triple Crap. I seriously cannot do this.

I can't even blame her. I've been through this one myself, and I'm still not 100% there. At the end of the day, I can be a great caregiver, a great emotional support, a great homework-doer, but this stuff, wow. I really am not equipped for this.

So let me get this straight. My ex's behavior with the children is making them lose faith in God. How nice.

Damn him for screwing up the kids. Damn him to hell.

I'd Rather Read a Book

I was doing homework with the kids this evening when the telephone rang. It was their father. I handed the phone to my daughter, who chatted with her dad for a couple of minutes. Their conversation is almost always the same. He says hello, she says hello. He asks how school was, she says "fine". He says I love you, she mechanically says I love you too. He says I miss you, she mechanically says I miss you too. Then she says here, talk to my brother.

It amazes me how she has managed to survive. She knows what to say, what to do, and she speaks to him without emotion. This is what he did to the children. He made his own bed. The sad thing is, as they get older, they will respond less and less. They will after all, grow up, and as they do, they will learn only to love those who have earned their love. And as we all know, love is never earned through control or aggression.

Tonight, as my daughter handed the phone to her brother, he was reading a book and without looking up, he said "I don't want to talk to him". I froze. I looked over at Mary. She froze. She slowly put the phone back to her ear and said "Um, daddy, he's doing homework". I could hear him demanding to speak to his son, so she handed it over again. For a second time, my son said "No. Tell him I'm reading a book and I don't want to talk". Now I could hear my ex getting angry, and I felt bad for my daughter who seemed stressed to be in the middle. She walked over and put the phone to my son's ear, hoping he would say something. His response, "Tell him I don't want to talk to him".

I could hear their dad mutter something about being hurt and then he said his goodbyes. I stayed silent. I so badly wanted to ask my son what was going on, but I didn't feel like it was the right time. Clearly, he wanted the space, and I didn't want to take that away from him. I did however, stroke his hair and put my hand on his shoulder as I walked by him a few minutes later. He paused and put his hand on mine. Then he kept reading his book.

I wonder what happened during their visit this weekend to make my son behave this way. And also, I'm glad that he felt safe enough to be able to voice his feelings. I guess this home is providing him with some emotional protection.

Then again, like I said before, as they get older, they will only learn to deal with their dad in their own way. Perhaps this is going to be my son's way.

I have to say, I would be heartbroken if that ever happened to me. I'm glad I'm on this side of the fence. And I never thought I would say that. Funny how sometimes you can look at your life and almost re-frame things. I'd rather be here today. I'd rather be the one they trust and turn to. I'm glad I'm not still married to this man. If I was, they would feel for me just as they do for him, because I wouldn't have been able to protect them if I was still married. I'm glad I made the choices I made. I'm glad I'm here today, in this home, with these children. It took many bruises for me to get the sense to get here, but I'm glad I'm here. And for the record, I would take a million more to protect my children if I had to. Thankfully, I won't let it come to that ever again.

Tonight, I'm counting my blessings. I have two big ones snuggled in their beds as I type :)

A Restful Day Off

Today was awesome. I can't even explain why. It was one of those days that I try to have when the kids are away with their dad, but I can never manage to have because life is just too busy. Today I did nothing. Well, it felt like nothing. And I wore no makeup, wore glasses all day, and ran around in jeans and sneakers. And it was wonderful.

I dropped the kids off at school and then went grocery shopping. In peace. No kids. No "Mommy can we buy those?" Or "Mommy- he's hitting me!" -Nothing. Just silence.

Like I said, it was nice.

I came home and made myself a spinach, mushroom and feta omelette with egg whites. Perfect breakfast. Yummy, and within diet rules. It doesn't get better than that. And, I watched TV while I ate. In peace. I NEVER watch TV anymore. It was great.

Next, I folded laundry. While watching old episodes of "The Office". On DVD. Did you get that? I watched a DVD while catching up on laundry. AWESOME.

I cleaned out 12 purses. In them, I found 3 unused 10-ride train passes, 23 subway tokens, 28 pens and 5 long lost lipsticks. No wonder those purses were so damned heavy. No wonder I couldn't find those subway tokens. My right shoulder (the purse shoulder) feels lighter already.

I then proceeded to go to the mall and run a couple of errands. I even had coffee with my dad. I can't remember the last time I did that. I helped him pick anniversary flowers for my mom. Then I went to get the kids, came home, did homework, made dinner, and tucked them in.

And here I am. Relaxed.

Funny how a simple day (that might seem to be like it was full of chores) could feel so relaxing to someone like me. It's actually kind of sad too. But I'm not complaining. I'm grateful to have had this one day.

A Safe Return

The kids are home safe. I always breathe a sigh of relief when he brings them home safe, and once I've spoken to them and checked to ensure that he didn't hurt them while he had them. It's really sick that I have to constantly fear for their safety. I really hope the courts kick in and help the situation soon.

So here is a summary of this weekend's drama, aside from the obvious fact which is that my ex is a total jerk of a human being:

• He had a hard time getting a supervisor
• We had 29 email exchanges on Friday alone because he was refusing to tell me who would supervise the visit, and where I could reach the children. He's clearly in another one of his manic phases where he thinks he's the king of the world or something, and one where he deliberately gives me a hard time
  
• Finally when he did tell me who would be supervising, I found out that he was intending to spend some unsupervised time with the kids. I explained that he can't do that. He stated that his interpretation of the order is that he can. I guess I will have to bring this up in court.
• He deliberately brought the children back to me 3 1/2 hours late today. Jerk.
• He did not do any homework with the children.

Honestly, I'm so fed up of this crap. He is such an idiot. And idiots should not be allowed to be custodial parents for young children.

Anyhow, forget him. This is my life, right? I must have done something really heinous in my life to deserve to have an ex like this...

So anyways, one little piece of good news, my daughter was able to read through one of the books my friend brought for her (thanks Saji!). I did have to help her through it, but there was no alphabet reversals happening. Hooray for one step forward!

Tomorrow banks and government offices are closed for Remembrance Day. I am SO looking forward to the day off so that I can run errands, do laundry, groceries, and other house chores. Oh yeah, and to go to the gym. I went to the gym today as well. That was the only thing that helped me calm down from wanting to drop kick my ex. Thank God for the gym.

Coffee and Books

I had a nice time hanging out with a girlfriend this evening. We went out for Thai food, went to Starbucks and to Chapters and she helped me pick out some early reader books for little Mary. It was a good evening, and I haven't been so relaxed in a really long time.

I now have a bunch of books for Mary to help her read. I'm hoping to start tomorrow. Anything to help my little girl get on track.

Tomorrow the children come home. I can't wait to see my babies again.

I had some nasty correspondence from my ex on Friday. He's obviously not capable of linear thinking, so I think this will come in really handy in court on the 27th.

Academics

There is some stuff that I have been trying to deal with that have been really taxing on me for the past two weeks:

1) I've wanted to have my son tested for ADHD since July. In the beginning, my ex refused. When we went to court, the court ordered that the tests should be done, as they are in the best interests of the child (at court, he of course denied refusing them). Anyhow, the process is taking so long that it is mid November, and it looks like he won't even get tested until spring. The person who will head up the tests will be the assessor who is doing the formal assessment on our parenting capabilities etc. I've paid the assessor his retainer, and I am waiting for my ex to do the same. After this guy gets his retainer, he will start work maybe 8 weeks later. So my son's test will be put on the back burner. It's stuff like this that makes me really wish I had full custody. If my hands weren't tied, I would have had the tests done myself by now. The system sucks.

2) My daughter has been doing poorly in school. Her reading and writing skills fall below even the ESL students. I find this scary. I am an anal mother. I do homework every night. The therapist thinks there is a possibility of her being dyslexic. I have spent the past two weeks frustrated to death, because again, I cannot do anything for these children without my ex's permission, which is impossible to get, or a court order which is timely and costly to get. I spoke to my daughter's school and we are still trying to determine if it is a learning disorder, or if she is behind because she had to make the switch from a Montessori environment (which is learn through play) to a public school (which is structured learning). The teacher and the principal think the issue is the latter- the change in environments. I hope they are right. No, I'm PRAYING that they are right.

I had a small meltdown earlier this week. Thank God for my good friend who happened to call me at night, while I was lying in bed crying. When I answered the phone and heard her voice, I knew I would feel better after talking to her. I was right. Thank God for good people.

Today, my girlfriend and I (she is a teacher) are going shopping. I'm hoping she will be able to help me find the right books/tools to help get my daughter back on track as well. I have to start right at the beginning with her, but I'm totally willing to do it. Anything for my babies.

No More Children!

Well, I've known it, and been saying it forever. I do not want to have more children, as my hands are full with the ones I have. I've mentioned before that I actually don't even have the desire to have more children. Now I've learned that my children don't want me to have more children. I guess it's nice to know we are all in agreement on this one.

My daughter tonight had a very interesting conversation with me. She asked me how a mother's body knows to develop milk. I told her that it was one of God's gifts. When a mother is pregnant her body develops it, and when the baby grows up, the milk goes away. Then she asked if I had any left. I explained that since she was now six, and hasn't nursed since she was one, that no, I do not have any left. She asked if it would ever come back. I explained that it would only happen if I were to have more children. Then the awkward pause from her, and she says "Oh no, you don't need more children. A baby would bother you." I asked why it would bother me, and she said "It would cry all the time and make you change diapers. You wouldn't like that". I explained that I did it for her, and that diapers are part of life. Then she said "But you have to do homework with us, and the baby would cry and interrupt". Then I explained that I could hold a baby and do homework. She went on to say the baby would poop all over her homework. I explained that a diaper would catch the poop. Then she sighed and said "You just don't need any more kids. You have us. We don't want more kids. We love each other enough and we don't want babies." I smiled and said "Well that's good news because I'm kind of happy with the two I have and I don't think we need more babies either. She beamed. I smiled. She hugged me.

I'm not sure why I played the devil's advocate game. I think I wanted to know if she was thinking I couldn't handle the load of another child (a capacity issue) or if she just didn't want one. (Emotional security/being the baby of the family etc). I think it was the latter.

Interesting how a child's mind thinks. Thank God she didn't ask for another sibling. I'd be up the creek if that happened.

9 Little Kids

Means one exhausted mother. I will NEVER do that again. I dreaded it, and I was right. As much as I love my children, I cannot explain the amount of fatigue you feel after having them run around your house for 3 hours. I'm ready to pass out.

Aside from my hectic afternoon, I'm finding that I still haven't managed to clear my mental head space. My conversation with my daughter's teacher is still consuming me, and I'm feeling really low at the moment. Kind of hopeless actually. No matter how hard I try, it's not good enough, it's not going to be good enough, and it will only get harder and worse as the children get older. If supposedly this is their best age, and they are in this state, then how will I manage the future?

I'm REALLY concerned about what lies ahead. It's all very hopeless at the moment.

Birthday Party Planning

I have my daughter's 6th Birthday party tomorrow. I've tried to keep it very small, and I have only about 8 kids here in total (6 friends plus my two little ones). I'm doing the party at home, and my home is not that large, so I had to keep the number to a minimum. I've learned a few things in this process:

1. It is NOT cheaper to do a birthday party at home. You end up running the same cost, and you are ready to pull your hair out as well.
2. I am NOT the at-home-birthday-party kind of mom. I will not be doing it again.
3. I hate making loot bags.
4. I hate wrapping "pass the parcel" gifts a million times. It feels like such a waste.
5. I have a headache at the thought of kids running buck wild through the house under my supervision.

Don't get me wrong. I love children. I'm just not an at-home-birthday-party girl.

Aside from that, I've had alot on my mind. I went in on Friday afternoon to talk to my daughter's teacher and to get an update. ( I guess that's one of the benefits of working from home on Fridays...I get to pop in for 15 minutes at the school as I wish).

Anyhow, she said that my daughter is not improving. The sad thing is she is actually behind the other kids, including the ESL kids. I found this disturbing. I mean part of me is just humiliated- I have an MBA, I was a straight A student and both my kids are lower tier, and this one is bottom of the pack. How is that possible? But then I remind myself that this isn't about me. The real question I have is - HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? I asked if I should sign her up for Kumon to bring her up to speed. She said no. The issue isn't that she can't do the work. The issue is that she isn't even motivated to try. Apparently, while other children are working away, she is staring off into space. She even forgets to put a book or paper in front of her. So it's not like she gets stuck on the work she is doing, it's that she hasn't even started- she doesn't even have a sheet of paper in front of her and she is losing her concentration. The teacher said the only thing that can save her is therapy. This made me feel like shit.

I see myself as a good mother. Correction- I SAW myself as a good mother. But these days, I'm feeling a bit demoralized. Yes their dad has messed up all of our lives, but I thought my parenting would compensate for at least some of that. I guess I thought wrong. These days, while I know we would have been worse off with my ex, I wonder what options I have ahead of me that can help to stabilize the children.

Their therapist has reminded me that my nightmares around the abuse started AFTER I left my ex, so the impact of the abuse was seen after I was safe again. My ex has been having supervised access since May, so the temporary relief is a good explanation for their recent instability according to her. She says that people emotions go haywire when they have a chance to breathe. Kind of like how you get sick when you take a break from your stressful routine. It's like your body gets to act normal when you turn off the overdrive mode. She says emotions are the same. They get to go through their routine when they have a chance to breathe, not while they are experiencing the problem. I can't know for sure- but based on my own nightmares and my own experiences, her theory makes some sense I guess.

The other scary thing for me is my daughter's coping mechanism. Whenever her dad calls she whispers "No I don't want to talk to him. He is mean". The issue is that I have to give her the phone, or the courts will nail me, so I tell her to take the call. She complains and then takes the phone and flips her mood "Hi daddy! I miss you so much! How are you! I couldn't wait to speak to you!"

When I saw that, my head was spinning. When she hung up the phone, I asked her what was going on. I told her she didn't have to act like she doesn't like her dad if she really misses him. He is her father. It's ok to miss him. Her answer: "Of course I don't miss him. He is the meanest man in the world. But do you think I want to let him know that I hate him? Then he will just be meaner. As long as he thinks I like him, he will be less mean to me".

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, right? But isn't it freaky when a 6 year old does it? I asked the therapist, and she said it's her way of survival. She knows full well that if she refuses the phone call she will "get it" the next time she goes to her dad's.

This is totally sick. No wonder her schooling is so messed up. It's alot for a child to absorb. I mean, I totally understand it. I did it myself for over 13 years. But for a 6 year old to learn that skill, that is sick. I need to find a way for her to feel safe, and confident enough to handle her dad without acting like 2 different people. That must be so stressful.

Now here is the question- how do I stop myself from getting so paralyzed that I can't help my children? I don't have the answer to that one at the moment, but I'm open to anyone's advice.

As for me, I went to the gym today for the first time since Ramadan. It was my first workout in 6 weeks. If nothing else, I feel like it got some of the pressure off my chest. It's amazing what a good run can do.

Happy 6th Birthday Mary!

My baby turned six today. Today I actually did the same thing my parents did to me. I told her that it was six years ago that she was born and oh-so-tiny when I brought her home from the hospital. She was such a good baby, didn't cry much and slept a whole lot. I got giggles out of her when I told her that she would kick me from inside my tummy and I would see a little foot pressing through.

So this is the one day in the year where my children actually wake up early, get dressed and get to school early. They love Halloween. Today, I drove a little Snow White and Captain Jack Sparrow to school, happy as can be. I will get them from their dad at 6pm today, as the court ordered that their dad will get to see them for 3 hours tonight (from 3pm to 6pm), due to Mary's birthday. No problem. I usually get them from Tae Kwan Do at that time anyhow.

So I know I haven't been blogging lately, and it's a bad habit. You know I'm in a funk when...

Well maybe not so much a funk, but just dealing with the ongoing drama. Crazy ex husband- check, drowning in legal bills- check, overworked- check, need a break- check, double check.

Sigh. I wish I would win the lottery.

Eid Preparations

I took my daughter to an Eid bazaar last night. It was fun. She made one request of me two weeks back, and that was that she wanted a professional to put Mehndi (henna) on her hands for Eid. I took her to an Eid bazaar and she waited in line and got the henna done. $10 later, we went to the next booth and picked up some glass bracelets to match her lengha (indian dress). She was totally thrilled. I'm glad we managed to get out and have some fun.

This morning, she woke up and squealed with delight when she saw how dark the Mehndi was. She came and sat in my lap and asked if I made her spend too much money. I have no idea what made her think of the cost, but I told her that if she was happy, there was no need to worry about what it costed. I wanted to take her, she enjoyed it, I enjoyed it, and that is all that mattered. She told me that I was the best mom in the world (I love hearing that), and that she was SOOOOO happy because it's almost Eid. I felt good.

It was amazing to me how still my daughter was as they put the Mehndi on her hands and at how patient she was while she waited for it to dry. She made sure she didn't touch anything, or bump into anyone, so the Mehndi turned out perfectly. Sometimes, she is so much like me that it's scary.

Tonight, I have a few girlfriends coming over so that we can do our Mehndi for Eid. The kids will be home around 9pm, so they will get to enjoy the fun as well for a little while. I love Eid. It's so festive. :)

An Odd Telephone Call

It's been a nice weekend with the children. We've mostly been at home, which was good, because it gave the children the chance to just relax in their own environment. They have played in their rooms, watched TV, done homework, and it's been nice. I took them to a mosque event on Saturday night, and they enjoyed that. We went to my parent's place for Iftaar yesterday, and they enjoyed that too. Overall, it's been a family weekend.

Yesterday, my ex called for the kids. It was the first telephone call that he attempted since our court date on Tuesday. He spoke to the children for awhile and then asked my son to put the phone on speaker. They talked for awhile longer and he started talking about Eid plans. As background, the judge decided that on Eid (which will be Saturday thanks to the scientific committee), the children will be with their father until 2pm and with me after that. He is having difficulty finding a supervisor on the Eid weekend. He asked to speak to me. I picked up the handset so the children wouldn't hear. He basically wanted to break the weekend into 3 days with chunks of 4 hrs per day so he wouldn't have to arrange supervision. (Recall that the courts ordered that any visits shorter than 4 hrs would not require supervision). Since I have a henna party at my house Friday night (and would love to have my daughter here for it), I figured this would work well. That and the fact that he can never do their hair/dress them as well as I can. So the deal is he will have a visit for 4 hrs on Friday evening, return them to me, I will dress them for prayer Sat morning, he will take them from 9:30/10am to about 2pm and then he will see them again Sunday morning for 4 hrs. That works out well too because I have a sushi lunch with the girls on Sunday afternoon.

I think I prefer the 4hr chunks because I can keep checking on the kids to make sure they are OK, he doesn't get a long enough period with them to go nuts on them, and I get to have more time with them. It worked out for both of us. I feel more comfortable around the children's mental and physical well being, and he doesn't have to inconvenience his family.

Then came the next part. Give an inch of airspace and he takes a mile. He went on and on about how we should settle out of court. I'm guessing he's saying that because he realizes that the judge made one ruling in my favour so far, which means that this is not as cut and dry as he originally thought. I told him that unless he was willing to give me full custody and go on his medication, there was nothing that we could negotiate. He scoffed and told me that I would never get full custody. I told him that we had nothing further to discuss. He went on to say that pimps and drug dealers get joint custody and he is not as bad as them, so he won't lose his custodial rights. THAT made me angry.

I asked him how he could deny the abuse in the legal documents. How he could deny hitting me and the children. How could he do that and expect that I would negotiate anything with him moving forward. He acknowledged the abuse (man I need a tape recorder for the next time!), and that he was wrong with the children. I told him that unless he was willing to change his statement for the courts, I have nothing to discuss with him. He cannot lie before the courts and expect that I will respect him or work with him after that. You cannot silence the people that you hurt. He did this to me, and now he is doing this to the children. I told him that I had confidence in the legal system and in God and that these are his (God's) children and that I don't believe they will be hurt further.

My final answer- if you have something to discuss, get your lawyer to call my lawyer. I will not meet you, I will not negotiate with you, and I have no respect for you.

Oh ya, and if you ever touch my kids again, I will rip you to shreds. Take my word on that.

Then I hung up.

So much for Ramadan Spirit. He brings out the worst in me. I think it's my protective mechanism with the children. I would take a bullet for these kids. Let's just hope I never have to.

Seeing the Truth

My good friend called me the other day to tell me that she had read the blog entry about my daughter's teacher. She had such a refreshing perspective that it stuck with me. I am still in awe at some people's ability to see the silver lining.

She told me it was such a gift that the teacher had the candid conversation with me. "How blessed you are to be told about something like that when you had no clue! Now you can gather whatever you need to help your daughter through this difficult time. Had it not been for that teacher and the conversation, you would never have known how bad it was for her, and you would have found out when she was very severely impacted".

How true. I never thought of it that way.

I was too busy crying and feeling bad for my daughter to realize that perhaps, as sad as this is, I can do something to help her. I am, after all, the adult, and my children are my responsibility. And she's right...being told about something like that is a blessing.

Thanks Saji-for the pep talk. I still feel bad for my daughter, and a bit guilty for the circumstances that brought her here, but you're right. I am very lucky to have been given the information earlier rather than later.

True friends never let you drown in your sorrow for long :)

Still Trying to Unwind

I think all the stress leading up to the court day this week has built up in me. I feel drained, even now, and my neck is all tense. I went to the chiro and for a massage tonight, so I'm hoping I will finally be able to sleep.

It's odd. On the one hand, I keep thinking, what a waste- if the guy would just take his meds, this would be so much easier. The children would have a good father, I would be able to avoid all the extra stress, and I wouldn't be draining my finances (aka line of credit) with lawyer's fees. Ex husbands are a pain.

On the other hand, I cannot worry about him, or his meds, because it is totally out of my hands. All I can do is continue to care for these little souls whose well being, both emotional and physical, I have been entrusted with.

My daughter is sleeping in her bed, right here next to me as I type this entry. :)

And that sight- right there, is what keeps me going when I am at my lowest point. Bless her.

A Sense of Calm

This morning I feel somewhat calm. My nerves are still frazzled from all the events leading up to yesterday, and I feel very much like I need a massage and a day off. But I think I'm OK for now. I feel calm enough to go into the office and manage through the day. I have taken Friday off this week, so it will be an extra long weekend anyhow, and I plan to spend Friday on myself- massage, chiropractor, etc. I think I can manage until Friday.

It's weird- part of me feels relief, the other part wonders what else he will have up his sleeve for Nov 27. Like my chiropractor said, never back a man into a corner, because he will come out of it ruthless, as he has nothing to lose. I suppose I should just take one day at a time and be grateful for the peace I can have for the next few weeks.

Physically and emotionally, I feel like I've been run over by a Mack truck. I'm glad that the children will be protected for the next little while. Happy that there is some relief from this stress and eternally grateful to those of you who flooded my voicemail and email with your kind words of support and encouragement.

I have no major meetings at the office today, so it will be more of a 'catch up' day which is probably a good thing. I've been so preoccupied with this case that I have parked a few things at the office. Friday will be my day to rest.

Court Appearance #2- Four Hours Later...

You heard correctly. The judge had given us an emergency date for today, allowing us time from 2-3:30 in her courtroom. We went from 2-5:30, an hour and a half past when the courtroom closes, and we had to wait another 30 minutes for her endorsement. I honestly should have been a lawyer.

I am a bit shell shocked. His lawyer was pretty harsh. He started off painting me as an erratic nut, and made his client look like father of the year. No word of a lie. You know those animated lawyers who point fingers at the opposing parties as they shout across the courtroom? Yep, that was his lawyer. My lawyer is right. Personalities between lawyers and clients always seem to match up. Thankfully, my lawyer was pretty darn good in the courtroom. She comes across firm, but very polite, but she knows her stuff.

Anyhow, it overall went well. I don't think I could have asked for much more (except a police enforceable order, which I didn't get). Basically, she (the judge) said that our file was so large that she needed a few more weeks to read through and send an interim endorsement. That should be ready by early November. Not sure what else she needs to add to it, or what this means, but I have no choice. We go back to court on November 27th. Here is what was granted, as well as what will happen between now and November 27th:

• Despite my ex's pleas for more time with the kids, his request was denied
• She refused to grant either of us sole custody this early in the game, but said that she did agree in the passing that this would likely be a sole custodial situation when we are done (thank GOD)
• She recommended that we start an assessment from an individual assessor no later than Nov 1. An assessment takes 6 months to complete and basically looks at the mental stability of both parents, their parenting skills, and responsibility, as well as other factors- conflict between parents etc, and makes a recommendation to the courts around custody and access. This will cost us about $15k total, $7.5k each
• In the meantime, until we go back to court in November, she has agreed that my ex's visitation with the children shall be loosely supervised if the visit spans longer than 4 hours. (Loosely means the supervisor has to be in the same home as my ex, but not necessarily in the same room at the same time). I guess her rationale for that is that it is unlikely that he will go ballistic on the kids in a less than 4 hr visit? Either way, there is only ONE visit that is less than 4 hrs and that is on Halloween, my daughter's bday where we have to share the time with her. Other than that, they are overnights every other weekend.
• I have been granted permission to decide on who can supervise, and I have been given rights to a telephone number, which I can call during his visitation to check on the kids and make sure that they are OK. This is a big deal, because previously, he would take off with the kids and not pick up my calls. Now the supervisor is obliged to take my calls and failure to do so means I can decline them as a supervisor.
• I have been granted the right to travel with the children outside the country, without his permission, provided I have told him where I am going (an FYI) as well as given him a number where we can be reached. This is a big deal, as he had requested that I not leave within 75km of my home with the kids.
• I have been granted the right to keep the kids in therapy, and he has to pay 50% of these sessions

The only downside is that:

• She did not make the order police enforceable. Her rationale was that we are returning to court on Nov 27th and that given the court ordered supervised visits, he shouldn't be acting up or it will work against him on the 27th. She further didn't like the police intervention as it can be abused
• She still wants 4 weeks to decide what our interim order will be while we go through the assessment. This bothers me a bit...what is she going to do? Can she change her decision around supervision in these 4 weeks? Can she add more access into the mix? I hate the uncertainty.

Either way, aside from his lawyer painting me out to be a Monster, the verdict was positive...for the time being.

And now I can breathe a sigh of relief. At least, for 4 weeks...But man, I am SO mentally and physically exhausted from today. I need a spa day or something.

Anxiously Waiting

I wish it were this time tomorrow because this process would be overwith (well-day one of a year and a half long court battle would be overwith).

I went to see my chiropractor today. On Thursday, I rear ended someone at a stop light. That would be my first at fault accident since I was 16. My insurance rates will take a hit. Life is nice, isn't it? When it rains, it pours.

Anyhow, my chiropractor said to take it as a gift. I was at a low speed, nobody got hurt (not even me, despite the previous back injury), and perhaps it was a sign to take it slower, before something major happens. I mean, I wasn't even on the phone! Anyhow, I'll just chalk this up as part of life. It's already been bugging me for days, so I need to let this one go now. It is what it is.

Then, today, I was heading to a meeting at our Bloor/Islington Office. I had to pick up something at St George first and wasn't paying attention when I got on the subway. I was so engrossed in God-knows-what that it took me 7 stops to realize that I had gotten on the Northbound train instead of the Westbound one. That was a total blonde moment. Needless to say, I was late for the meeting. 30 minutes late. Sigh.

Anyhow, I was telling my chiropractor about the status of the case. She and I go back about 8 years, so she has watched much of this unfold. She basically said that his reaction to my documents is somewhat predictable. Never push a man into a corner, because once he has nothing to lose and nowhere to go, he will fight hard and dirty and all integrity goes out the window. How true. We both agreed that I didn't have a choice but to go through this process, but we also agreed that he is just plain cruel, so you can't expect any amount of integrity from him. She offered to give me a character witness or an affidavit. That was kind of her. Funny how some people will go out of their way for you when you really need them, while others sit back and watch. Yet again, this has been a great learning experience for me.

Anyhow, wish me luck for tomorrow. I seriously doubt I will get any sleep. I had scheduled the day off work tomorrow, but there is one meeting that I didn't feel I should miss so I am going into the office for 10am. Then I will leave at 11 and get to the courthouse for 1:30. In hindsight, maybe it's better that I'm keeping busy in the morning. If I were home, I might have just cried myself to oblivion and showed up at the courthouse with puffy eyes. That just wouldn't be good.

Anyhow, I did take a couple of hours off this afternoon. I went and watched the children in Tae Kwan Do class and then took them to the park. I thought it was fitting to focus the night before court on the children.

"Mommy I'm so Confused"

"I don't know who is telling the truth anymore. Is that OK?"

This is what my little girl said to me when she came home from her father's place last weekend. I felt so badly for her that I just wanted to cry. Of course it's confusing for her. Here I am telling her she will always be safe and that I will make sure nobody hurts her and when she goes to her father's, he tells her that I am the enemy and that I am trying to take him away from her. It must be incredibly difficult. Her teacher is right. It's so hard to go through what she is going through.

I told her that I was sorry that she had to go through all this confusion, and I asked if there is anything I can do for her. She paused and said "Daddy never says sorry. He just says why are you confused? I told you what the truth is". I told her that I was sorry because I didn't want her to be confused. I wanted her to be happy and confident. She asked me how a person can tell who is telling the truth and who is lying.

I don't have a straight answer for that question. I mean, I myself am not the best judge of character. I fall for lies all the time, and I trust too easily. And above all else, I was fooled by him and sucked in for 11 years. How can I expect her to be better when I can't teach by example? My only answer to her was to trust her heart, and trust in God, and that she will eventually know who is telling the truth. "What does your heart tell you?"

"My heart tells me that you have never lied to me, and that daddy has. But it also tells me that you and daddy hate each other, so maybe you are both lying to me."

WOW. "Baby, I don't hate your daddy. He's your daddy. I could never hate him".

"But he hates you. He even told me that you are his enemy."

"But I still don't hate him honey"

"Even if he makes you angry?"

"Even when he makes me angry. Everyone gets angry sometimes, it doesn't mean we hate them. Do you get angry at your brother? But you don't hate him right?"

"Right- but if someone hates you, then you must hate them back?"

"No sweetheart. Hate is a waste of our energy and of our heart. Why would I waste all my energy on hating someone when I need it all to love you guys?"

"I love you mommy. I really do. And my heart tells me that you don't lie. But I'm still a bit confused sometimes, and I'm tired of talking right now. Is that OK?"

"It's OK to be confused, but if you need to talk, you let me know, OK?"

"Thanks mommy".

I know I didn't handle that nearly as well as I should have. I just don't think that one conversation can make a child "unconfused". I mean, her confusion comes from years of being in this situation. I want to give her an outlet to vent, but also empower her to come up with some of her own thoughts. I think she knows the truth, but the pressure is getting to her.

On any account, I will raise this with the children's therapist.

Sigh. One day at a time.

A Frustrating Return

The kids were brought home 30 mins late. I hate it when he does that because I end up sitting on pins and needles wondering if they will be brought home. My reading an Oprah mag this weekend didn't help because the issue I was reading had an interview with a mom who came home to find that her ex husband killed himself and the children. That freaked me out.

Anyhow, the lateness is the least of my concerns. Here is a rundown of what I have found out this weekend:

• Contrary to what his lawyer promised my lawyer, their visit this weekend was NOT supervised. He took them to his own home, unsupervised, all weekend
• He force fed my daughter until she threw up (jerk)
• He did not do the children's homework at all. My son has to prepare a presentation and there was some artwork that he did in class that he had to present. My ex kept the artwork and didn't send home the presentation outline. I'm stressed. How do I prepare a kid to present something I've never seen and he can't remember? What do I do- go to the school and explain how dysfunctional we are and then set the miserable example for my son that it is OK to make excuses or blame others when you can't meet your deadlines?
• He kept the children's shoes. Seriously. He kept their brand new school shoes and sent them home in old shoes so tight that they had blisters. What am I supposed to do for gym class? Apparently, he TOLD the kids that he pays me money so he should have a set of clothes at his house, and that if they needed more, I could go and buy more. So he decided to keep their shoes. JERK.
• He did the same thing with their jackets. What am I supposed to send them to school in? Children do not need 2 sets of jackets in 2 homes. Now they don't have jackets for tomorrow. What a JERK
• He took off the silver crystal earrings that I bought my daughter and kept them in his home. Took them. Off her ears. I bought those as a present for her. What a sick demented JERK

I am SO tired of this. I have no idea what to expect for Tuesday, but I'm hoping for something that will at least alleviate SOME of this insanity. I cannot go a year and a half waiting for this to go away. And you know, we ALL know what will happen if by some stroke of insanity the courts grant him unsupervised access. This will just get worse.

Dinner with Friends

I actually got to laugh tonight. Like laugh. Like my throat hurts. It's been awhile. I haven't had a chance to be immature and laugh at plain stupidity. Tonight was one of those nights.

30 people gathered in a restaurant here in the burbs to have dinner. I knew about half of them myself and by the time the evening was over, I got to know almost all of them. One person there was none other than Fatima. I know what you're thinking, but it's complicated. We started off sitting at different ends of the restaurant, each minding our own business. By the end of the night, someone got us together, got a pic of us and said "this one is for Facebook". Well if my ex, oh- sorry- OUR ex doesn't know we walk the same circles yet, he will know it now.

We went back to a friend's place for coffee afterwards. Everyone was chatting and somehow halfway through, someone randomly asked me "So, how do you know Fatima?". I froze. I looked at her. She looked stunned. Then I laughed, turned to her and said "go ahead". She told them "We share the same ex husband". Pin drop silence.

The rest of the evening was all jokes.
-OMG you guys should be on the Jerry Springer show!
-What? Two women who have one ex and don't hate each other, man you are a first for our community
-Do you share notes about his...performance?
-Man- I would hate to be him....
-You guys should co-author a book...

I feel like the town circus. But to be honest, with just 3 days left till court, it was kind of nice to be able to laugh at my own situation. I mean, you're either going to laugh or cry, and to be honest, I've done enough crying lately.

And let's face it. For Fatima to come forward and document all the things she experienced during her marriage in an affidavit to help me and the children was her going above and beyond what most people would do. And to be honest, it's more than many of my friends bothered to do. I guess in the end, I have some things to be grateful for. She could have filed her case, taken off, and never looked back. But she didn't. THANK GOD that she didn't. Her affidavit is a strong piece of evidence showing that my ex is still a risk to the kids. I needed her and I am grateful for the help.

Anyhow, I've been living in the twilight zone lately. This was just another evening, in the Twilight Zone. (Insert creepy Twilight Zone Music)....

Sometimes you Just Want to Give Up

I went to the children's school for an open house yesterday. My ex was there also. We tried to be cordial with each other, at least for the sake of the kids. I didn't even get a chance to talk to my son's teacher. I was so drawn into what my daughter's teacher was saying.

She said that in all her years of teaching, she has never seen a child with such advanced verbal skills. She went on to say that usually the kids with the strong verbal communication skills are the brightest kids in the class. In my daughter's case, her verbal skills are years ahead of everyone else, but her academics are very poor. She said that my daughter is having trouble focusing. She knew on day one that she came from a "broken home". She said that my daughter talks about it every day. It's all she talks about. I couldn't bear to hear it. Then she, the teacher started crying. She said she has never seen a child so sad. She says it consumes her. Then I started crying. Imagine a parent teacher interview where both the parent and the teacher are in tears. That was us yesterday. I told her I couldn't do more than what I was doing. She told me to make sure I give her all the attention in the world. My daughter needs it. She said that she would hate to be in my daughter's shoes, with all this sadness built up to the point of paralyzing her from being able to function in school. She said that if we don't help her soon, she will fall really behind in school.

I left in tears yesterday. Honestly, sometimes I wonder what is worse...staying with an abusive man, or letting your children pick up the pieces and feel the brunt of the divorce. I hate doing this to them, yet I'm not the one doing it. I'm doing the best I can with the limited resources I have. And that includes the resources I've had to borrow as well.

With God as my witness, my intentions are to help my children live mentally and physically safe lives. But in the process, their emotional well being is hurt.

I have no ill intentions towards my ex. I actually wish he would move on and find happiness. I was so happy when he got married. I thought it was good for me and the children, and for him. I didn't want him to abuse his second wife, and I didn't want his marriage to end.

I have NO IDEA what I can do to help my little girl. But today, I feel so lost, hurt and confused that it is unbearable.

Response to My Documents

I got his response today- He served my lawyer. Here is the coles notes version:

• He lied. All of it.
• He got a friend that I once had respect for to support him and talk about how outraged he is that I would "make up" stories about the abuse just to be allowed to move to NYC
• He accused me of driving while impaired in December, resulting in my car accident. For the record, I have NEVER had a drop of alcohol in my life
• He accused me of neglecting the children so I can go "clubbing"- come on- those of you who know me- have I EVER gone clubbing?
  
• He accused me of dating a very close friend, and stated it as fact that this friend is my current "partner"
• He said that he has never hit me, hit Fatima, or hurt the kids, that a strong independent woman like me would have left him long ago if he had ever raised a finger, and the fact that I didn't leave, and never filed police reports shows that he is the innocent victim, subject to my lies
• He got affidavits from people who say they have seen scratches on him that apparently I gave him (what a lie).

So here is what is bugging me:

• His friends are willing to document lies for him, yet mine don't even stand up to document the truth. Man some people have failed me. Big time.
• I'm feeling a little ticked- where is the justice?
• So I am putting this out to the remaining people who read this blog. For those of you who know my situation, who know what I went through, for those who helped me get community members involved, including therapists referrals, Imams, those who sat thorough my long desperate phone calls to you, for those of you who saw my bruises, for those of you who had scary conversations with my ex husband and saw and heard some scary things....if any of you are willing to come forward with an affidavit now is the time to speak up. Think long and hard people. I know many of my friends can help. And I know some have chosen not to. Others still have to offer. If you know you can help, this is your last chance...
  

Otherwise stay silent, but remember, my children's lives are in your hands. I hope you sleep well at night.

The Curse of the Indian Ice Cream

So I was at my parent's home for Iftar (Ramadan dinner) on Saturday night. After dinner, I was cutting pieces of Indian kulfi (ice cream) out of a tray and slipped. Really slipped. Like stabbed myself in the wrist just by my thumb on my left hand. I can type using one hand right now.

The wound was deep, the blood wouldn't stop gushing and I had to go to emergency for some stitches. Percocet pain killers are my best friends right now. It's deja vu, cuz I was high on the perkies after my car accident in December.

I spent all day with mom and dad today. Couldn't move my left hand, and was drugged to death from pain killers. All I can say is that I will never forget the feeling of blood gushing out of your skin. It's creepy.

I'm not sure what to do about work tomorrow. I can't think straight on the pain killers, can't survive without them, and can't type with one hand. I also feel stupid calling in "sick" over a few stitches. Sigh. I'll figure that out in the morning.

In the meantime, pass the pain killers.

Women are the Enablers of Abuse

Think I'm wrong? Guess again.

I've come to realize that often times women create problems for other women. I mean think about abusive situations...we usually think the cause is men, right? While it's true that most of the time, the men are the abusive ones, I think that women help them in other ways. Not the victims, just other women. Sometimes. Maybe I should be more specific. Take a look at some of the cultural roots.

Take a look at Indo Paks. There tends to be a lot of physical abuse. I'm not sure why. And I could be wrong, but I think it's more than in other cultures. But I've seen enough and heard about enough to know that it is just way too common, and that it is actually just often ignored.

So what if the women in this culture were to revolt? What if they were to really stand together and fight it? I mean, look at it this way- women suffer it, and then they grow up to be mothers and turn a blind eye when it happens to their daughters, or they support their sons even if they are abusive towards their wives. How is that possible? Instead of enabling it to continue, why don't they speak out against it? Why is this such a problem in this community?

I've spoken to many women and seen a lot. I have a friend who was abused by her husband. Her MOTHER upon hearing this said "Come on, a slap once in awhile happens. What did you do to make this happen?" HER MOTHER! When I went through this, there was one time, before the children were born when my ex hard hit me so hard that I had bruises on my back. I was so infuriated that I called his mother and father over, and lifted my shirt to show them the bruises on my back. My father in law said "Don't tell your father", and he gave the 20 second token yelling to my ex. His MOTHER who was abused by her own husband back in the day said "I know it's hard, but this is what happens sometimes". Oh really?

So here I am, wondering how a culture got so messed up in the first place. And why women- smart, educated women, don't do anything to stop this. I mean, yes, I fall in that category - smart, educated woman, and yes- it took me years to leave, but had those around me supported me more, I might have left sooner.

I'm not trying to "pass the blame". Just trying to understand if we as women contribute to the problem, instead of fighting against it. I can honestly tell you if a man ever touched my daughter, I would personally break his arms. And I intend to see to it that my son doesn't ever turn out to be the type of guy that would do that. If he were, I would consider myself a failure as a mother. And for the record, if he ever did (God forbid) hit a woman, I would take her side. Honest.

Midlife Crisis

I had coffee with a colleague today. I worked with him years back. When we met for coffee, he asked me what inspired all the changes. He in particular meant my giving up the hijab, but he also was asking about the divorce. I gave him the ultra short version of it, and told him basically that a lot happened in 2004. I had a physical breakdown, ditched the scarf and the man, and found my way to where I am today. OK- I gave a bit more detail than that, but after hearing what I said, he told me he thinks I went through a mid life crisis. Hmmm. I never thought of it that way, I mean 32 is a bit young for a midlife crisis, but now that you mention it, that IS kind of what happens in a mid life crisis, and given I was married at 21, perhaps he isn't far off the mark. Tee hee. I found it amusing either way.

This afternoon, I found an old friend on facebook as well. This was one of my best friends during MBA. We lost touch somehow after she moved to Montreal. I was SO excited to find her again. I actually have been asking around other MBA friends, and nobody had her contact info. Bless you facebook!

I'm finding my anxiety level higher than usual these days. I attribute it to the approaching Oct 2 court date, which is still a week and a half away. I'm trying to keep busy and keep my mind on other matters. I'm realizing that somehow over the last couple of months, I've forgotten how to enjoy "the moment". Previously, I was able to appreciate little things like a play afternoon with the children, but I'm finding myself pre-occupied all over again. I think I'm going to have to focus on relaxing...if that makes any sense.

Ever Get the Feeling

That you are sitting in the eye of the storm? I just had that feeling tonight. Every now and then I actually stop, look around and absorb the surroundings. Today, probably because of my cold, I got to do just that. I was at the children's therapist's office. She was talking about how scared the children are of their father, but of how peculiar it is because of the hold that he has on them. I was listening to every word, and all of a sudden, I felt this dark feeling come over me. It wasn't quite deja vu, but it was that hopeless feeling, like I was stuck and couldn't get out. The last time I had this feeling was when I was married, and it often happened after one of his anger outbursts. I actually tuned out the doctors voice and just started speaking...

"He's going to win again isn't he? Just like always. He's like a cat with 9 lives. He gets away with everything and always finds a loophole or a way out. He did it to me for years, and now he's silencing the children. All this stuff about their fears, they've stopped telling me. They actually don't talk to me anymore. I thought it was because I was doing such a great job protecting them. That I actually succeeded as a mother. But I haven't. He succeeded as an abuser. He managed to silence the children, even from me. And I didn't even know it".

She paused, and tried to reassure me that he won't get out this time...that too much has been spoken by the children, that Fatima's affidavit is too strong. But it didn't work for me. I looked at her and said "No. The system failed me many times. I'm going to court Oct 2, and he's going to get out of this. He's managed to silence the source. He's silenced the children. From me. Imagine that."

She tried to reassure me, but you know, I feel stupid. I think I'm walking into the storm on Oct 2, and somehow, stupidly, I allowed myself to believe the storm was ending. But it hasn't ended. I'm sitting in the eye of the storm, and I'm not holding onto anything.

Some days I just feel like giving up. I've worked so hard, and Oct 2 is just the beginning, yet I feel like I don't have the strength to continue. Sigh. What happens if he gets out of this one? I mean, this is my last shot at protecting the children. Can you imagine- what if the courts permit this? You will be looking at a lifetime of abuse for the children.

So much is riding on this court stuff. Too much in fact.

Hmph!

I have been sick since Sunday. Full on cold, congestion, the works. The children came home from their father's on Sunday. I gave them the cold too (trust me, I feel bad enough). Yesterday, I went to my MD with the children. He checked all of us and prescribed some meds. My daughter was listening to the whole conversation with our MD, including the part where he told me "You are the culprit you know. Their cold is 2 days behind yours. It was you who made them sick". I hadn't realized that my daughter was listening, but I found out later that night.

When we got home, I was getting everyone to bed. As background, my son has been sleeping in his own bed for months. My daughter, who has resorted to carrying a security blanket, refuses to sleep alone. I have tried many times to get her to sleep in her own bed, but she refuses to do so. She sleeps in my bed, pressed up against me. To the point that if I get up, her little hand instantly starts searching for my body, smacking the bed, looking for me. When she doesn't "feel" me, she wakes up. Sleep for me is always disturbed, as I will almost always wake up to the feel of a foot in my face, an arm across my neck, or something similar.

Last night, she came into my room, took her teddy bear and blankie and walked out. When I called out to her, saying it was bedtime, she came back and said "I heard what our doctor said. YOU made me sick. YOU have germs. I'm not sleeping with you.

I didn't know what to say. Part of me was offended, as if sleeping with me was her doing me a favour. The other part was very amused. "OK, well I think that's a good idea honey. Since we are all sick, maybe it's a good idea for all of us to sleep in our own beds. May I tuck you in?"

"Yes, but no kissing and spreading germs". (Holy germo-phobe!)

"OK".

I tucked her in. She said she wasn't coming back to my room no matter what, and she reminded me that after 3 nights in his own bed, I bought my son an alarm clock of his own. She reminded me that she was promised the same and advised me that she would be doing this from now on to earn her own alarm clock. I agreed.

True to her word, she slept through the night in her own room. I was shocked. I thought she wouldn't be able to do it. She advised me in the morning that she saw spooky things in her room at night, but that the "Spookies are not as bad as the germies" that I was carrying. How nice!

I am totally amazed. I've been trying to coax her for months to sleep on her own. It took my sharing germs to get her to do it.

Kids are so peculiar.

Look at her, all big and independent. My little baby is growing up.... Sniff, sniff.

Mommy- Why Did you Have Kids?

Because I wanted someone to love, someone who would love me back. Well, that's the answer I gave my little daughter tonight. I couldn't exactly explain everything to her, from biological urges, to maternal urges, to wanting a purpose in life, to, I dunno. The truth is, I don't know why I had children, or why I wanted them. I just know that I really wanted to have them. It's one of those things you just know, but you can never explain to another person.

"Would you have had children if you knew that you were going to be separated?". Wow. Tough question. I wonder why she asked that. My guess is that she wants to hear that I wanted her whether separated or not. The truth is, no. Had I known I would end up divorced, I would never have had children. I mean, the people who suffer the most after a divorce are the children. So why have them if you're going to make them suffer and then spend your whole life trying to make up for the damage that you've done? So logically, no. I would not have had them if I knew I would end up divorced. But they do exist, and I am so glad that they are a part of my life. They are my children, my life. I would take a bullet for them any day. The fact is, they ARE in the picture, and so now they matter the MOST. I wanted them then, and I want them now. And I couldn't give them up for anything, or anyone.

"Yes. Because I wanted you to be a part of my life. I wanted someone special to love forever. And someone who would love me back".

"But now we are gone some of the time, so we aren't here to love you when we are at daddy's".

"Sweetheart. You're not here when you are with him. But your love for me is still here. I know you think of me when you're there, just like I think of you. You are a part of my life, and you always will be, and I will love you for life. No matter what. Even when you're good, and even when your behavior is bad. I will love you no matter what. That will never change. A mommy always loves her babies for life. That's how God made us."

She beamed. "Thank you for being the best mommy in the whole world!"

"Thank you baby. For being the best daughter in the world."

Sigh. I wonder what goes on in that little head of hers. Poor soul. She witnesses so much, and she is so little. It's sad- the children do suffer the most.

All I can do is do my very best, with the limited resources I have. I don't have much guilt anymore. I know I'm doing the best I can. I am human. I make mistakes. But I am trying to make up for everything, the divorce, the pain, and trying to be both a mother and a father to these children. I try to wash cuts, do band aids, do homework, discipline, teach them values, and still try to have fun.

One day at a time. All I can say is that I'm proud of what I've accomplished within the circumstances I've been given. And I'm grateful for everything that I've been given along the way. I have been blessed with more than the average single mom. One in four households today is a single parent household. 90% of those live on the poverty line. By the grace of God, we may not be rich, but we aren't that bad either.

I have alot to be grateful for.

Good Angel, Bad Angel

Did you ever watch the Flintstones when you were little? Ever see the episode with the good angel on one shoulder and the bad angel/devil on the other? They are both talking to each other, and to Fred Flintstone, each trying to win their argument. We all have those voices...mine cracked me up this Ramadan. Actually, they scared me a bit, and then cracked me up. And, if you're one of those people who doesn't have the two thoughts running in your mind, you should NOT be reading this...


Good Angel- It's Ramadan. Fasting for 30 days. It's the holy month. Hooray!
Devil- Thank God it's that time of the month. No fasting for a few more days. Hooray!
Good Angel- That's just wrong of you. That is not the Ramadan spirit.
Devil- Oh come on. You know how cranky I get when I'm hungry. Everyone around me will want Ramadan to end so I can be normal again. That's how moody I get.
Good Angel- well then maybe you should learn how NOT to be so cranky
Devil- Ya right, this is how I am when I'm hungry. Leave me alone. Why should I fast anyways? Isn't prayer like a more important commandment than fasting? Arguably, I should try to adhere to regular prayers first. (In Islam, the five pillars (in order) are:
(1) Belief in God and his message
(2) prayer 5 times a day
(3) zakah (charity)
(4) fasting in Ramadan
(5) Hajj (pilgrimage to Mecca).
So, If I do all of one, but skip #2 on a regular basis, what's the point of bothering with #4?
Good Angel- How dare you! You should try to do all of them. And, you have managed to keep to #4 your whole life. Why would you give it up now? I'm ashamed of you. Instead of giving up #4, why don't you just commit to starting #2? You will not give up fasting in Ramadan. At least you have ONE consistent deed in your life...
Devil- Yeah, but it's not the BEST of them....
Good Angel- what would your mother say?
Devil- I'm not fasting for her. I'm fasting for God.
Good Angel- Exactly. How dare you. You WILL fast, and you WILL pray this Ramadan.
Devil- why should I?
Good Angel- Because if you don't, your children never will.
Devil- point taken. I'll fast and pray.

Sigh. I scare myself. I don't think it's like I could ever NOT fast in Ramadan, but sometimes you almost stop and say "what am I doing this for again?" Sometimes we do things for the wrong reasons. I guess it's always OK to check in once in awhile and make sure you're doing things for the right reasons...

For example, my confusion with religion, and my decision to give up the hijab. I know it was the right decision for me. The hijab just wasn't for me. But at the time, I gave it up for the wrong reasons. I gave it up because of my husband's actions. I felt like I was being this great religious woman, and God had given me this horrible excuse of a husband. I would cover myself up and he would do the things that he did. He would womanize, he would be abusive, and I would sit at home praying with my head all wrapped up like that. It was too much for me to bear. I was angry at God and felt cheated. I felt like "I can be one of those beautiful women. Why do I cover up when it only leads to him doing those things?". I took off the scarf. I felt better about myself. Then I realized that I could do better than him. That he wasn't everything for me, and that he was the one that wronged me. And I left. Freedom. I realized that religion wasn't the cause of my problem, but that it was part of what had made me feel even more bitter and trapped at the time.

Now, years later, I'm glad I don't wear the hijab anymore. I'm also glad that I left that horrible marriage. But at the same time, I'm also glad that I didn't entirely lose my faith. It did take quite a beating, but I am happy to stay that it is still on track. Clearly, that "good angel" on my shoulder has stopped me from totally slipping away from my faith.

So yes, I will, as always, be fasting this Ramadan. And I'll be praying too. Who knows- this might be the year that I manage to keep some of those prayers in my daily routine, even after Ramadan ends.

Businessman or Con-man?

It's my son I'm talking about here. So here is the story- we went to a dollar store the other day, and he picked up this totally disgusting squishy skull. When you squeeze it, blood and bugs come crawling out of the eye in some puss ball. Very gross, but typical boy thing I suppose. Anyhow, he loved it, and for a buck, I figured, why not?

Anyhow- My son goes to school the next day. His friends go nuts over it. My son sells the skull to his friend for $5. He comes home and tells me this. I ask him how he felt conning his own friend. "Don't you think you should have just offered to go to the store and pick up another skull and let him have it for a dollar? After all, he is your FRIEND".

"No mom! I have a better idea! I'm going to go to the store, buy 5 more, and sell each for 5 dollars!".

OK- I'm scared. I have visions of mothers calling me yelling over my con artist child. I mean, on the one hand I admire his sense of, I don't know- entrepreneurial nature, or at least how he thinks about money, but on the other, where the heck is his sense of loyalty to his friends? I asked him if he told his friend that he only got the skull for a bargain deal of $1 and he says yes. OK- well, so he's not a full-on con man, just an honest one if that's possible.

Anyhow, I'm not taking him to the store to buy any more. That resolves that problem.

Men.

And They're Off

The kids will be with their dad this weekend. I've personally imposed supervised visitation. That is about as much as I can stretch things until our court date on Oct 2. I want to be as fair as possible, while protecting the children.

At first, I thought he wouldn't find a supervisor. He is yet again fighting with his family so nobody wants to be around him. I guess in the spirit of Ramadan, his brother agreed to supervise. His lawyer advised that they will be supervised. I found all this out as I was picking them up from school. I had plans to be with them this weekend, so now I have all this time on my hands and I have no idea what to do with it. A rare scenario indeed.

I could hang with some of my friends, but most of them are fasting and will probably prefer to be at the mosque. No thanks. While I am trying to get my faith back on track, I'm still not anywhere near mosque mode. I could do house chores, but I'm not in the mood. My lawyer is raking it in, so I don't exactly have money to shop either. Hmmm.

If Mr. NYC weren't in Pakistan, I would be busy with him this weekend. I'm not used to having a whole weekend to myself, and well, having it in Ramadan is just weird, cuz your social calendar is stunted.

I have enough on my to do list to keep me busy. I just have a very uneasy feeling about my kids not being here with me.

First Appearance

What a day. I am totally exhausted.

Today was supposed to be a first appearance only. That typically means you check and make sure everyone still wants a court date and that everyone is playing fair and has shared documents etc.

Yesterday, my lawyer got a letter from my ex's lawyer. He was opposed to any arguments being presented today because it is Rosh Hashana and so he has the right to celebrate Jewish Holiday. No disrespect, but Jewish holidays don't follow crazy lunar calendars like the Muslim ones do. So he knew about Rosh Hashana long before yesterday. He is just stalling. He said that he was not going to come to court, and that he would send an "agent" in his place to request an adjournment. I was livid.

We went to court today to request a new date, and it turns out there are no dates till basically December. That would be for a case conference, which is like a pre-date to the courtroom where you get to chit chat with the judge before you show up. Basically, we wouldn't get to see the courtroom again before the new year. My lawyer requested an earlier date. The judge said there wasn't one. Then my lawyer argued that unless we get an earlier date, we would have to file an emergency motion, because the children are in need of extra protection, and this case cannot hold up until December. The judge requested a break, read some of my materials, and then agreed that there were grounds for an emergency motion. Instead of doing more paperwork, she granted us an earlier date. Oct 2. That is just 2.5 weeks away.

First the lawyer's agent said that my ex's lawyer was available (she called him to check). Then when she heard that it would be an actual court date and not just a case conference she came back and said he was no longer available for Oct 2, but that he could "make himself available if we did a case conference instead of a motion date". My lawyer argued that this was unreasonable, and that they were delaying the case. He is, after all, available, just not available for a motion. What kind of argument is that? The judge agreed and made an order that we re-appear before the courts at 2pm on Oct 2. Thank God for some things.

So, today wasn't a total loss. Here is why:

1. We got an earlier date
2. Although they didn't show up, today counted as a first appearance, which means we didn't lose any time, and actually gained some since we don't have to wait until December
3. I got all of this without having to see my ex :)
   
4. I got to see my lawyer in the courtroom and she is AWESOME
5. I realized how much respect people in this court have for her
6. The court got a taste of my ex's lawyer's tactics and they did not approve
7. The judge recognized the urgency in my case
8. The judge is a senior judge, and known to be very fair and reasonable (I asked around)
9. The judge gave my ex's lawyer a deadline for filing the rest of his materials so I know that I will receive them on Sept 25 and can plan accordingly- no more living to his whims
10. Mr. NYC called just as I left the courthouse to see how I was holding up :)

Seriously though, I am VERY blessed. A special thank you to all of you who text messaged me while I was in court :) and to those who emailed and left me voice mails beforehand. I love you all.

Please keep me in your prayers. Oct 2 is only 2.5 weeks away.

Mothers are Awesome

I get a phone call every day at 5:15pm. It's from my mom, and she calls religiously every weekday to find out whether or not I will make it in time to get the children. If she hears that I'm running late, she tries to get them for me. I always try my best to get the children myself. It isn't fair for my parents to carry the burden for me. (Did I mention that she has 2 bad knees and is due for knee surgery? The woman can barely walk, but she will go out of her way to help me if she can. Unbelieveable!)

I do have to say, there is something incredibly comforting about the fact that she is always there for me. And I don't mean comfort from a scheduling perspective. I mean, COMFORTING, like what you feel after eating a homemade plate of lamb biryani, or if you're NOT desi, home made chicken soup, or whatever other comfort food does it for you.

My mom calls because she cares about me. Because somewhere amongst her daily stresses, she has chosen to add my well being to the list of important things in her life. I will re-iterate that this is not her responsibility. It's mine. What I find so awesome is that she cares so much for ME that my well being is always on her mind. And that my friends, is a mother. No matter how much you tell her not to worry, no matter how much you tell her you are fine, she will always be there letting you know you have her. I am SO blessed.

In many ways, this is what I'm trying to do for my children. In two days, I will start day one of a year and a half long court battle, because the children matter. My mom taught me well, and she doesn't even realize it. I don't know if I can ever be as unconditionally loving or as selfless as she is, but I do know that I have the best role model to use as a guide.

I love my mom. I am so blessed. No matter what happens on Thursday, I have alot to be thankful for.

Weekend Brunch

I had some friends over for brunch today. We had a nice time. It was I guess, our last brunch/large breakfast before Ramadan, which starts sometime this week depending on the moon/what Muslim group you belong to/what views you follow- traditional vs scientific, or whichever way the slice of toasts falls- butter up or down. Honestly, don't get me started again about my views on this whole moon thing.

Anyhow, I'm assuming that Ramadan is in line with my court date on Thursday. With the reduced carbs in my diet, I'm finding that I get hungry more often (I know- that shouldn't be the case- go figure), so I'm curious to see how I fare this Ramadan. Also, I hear that fast will break later this year, so that should be just loads of fun. Sadly, my boss has come to know me pretty well in just 4 months' time, and he jokingly tells me to eat lunch before I get "bitchy". I would say that is an accurate description of me when I'm hungry, so I'm sorry to say he may be right when he says that he doesn't know how I will make it through Ramadan. If I eat lunch just two hours late, I'm moody and curt. Don't worry- I'm an adult, I am sure I will survive.

On another front, Mr. NYC is on another business trip for two weeks. He calls me several times a day, so I don't have the right to complain. I just know I would have wanted to see him this upcoming weekend, especially since it will be right after the court date. Then again, with Ramadan in the picture, it's kind of hard to meet schedule wise. Too many iftaar parties and social obligations. Sigh. I know people will blast me for this, but I can't wait until Eid.

5 Days and Counting...

My first court date is just 5 days away. Can you believe we have never taken this case before the court? We did everything in a separation agreement through our lawyers last time. What a mistake that was. I guess at the time, I didn't have any way of knowing that he would go off his meds, and that things would unfold as they did. I know better now.

Mr. NYC pointed out that Sept 13 is not only my first court appearance, but it is also probably the first day of Ramadan. Let's hope that means that things will go my way. I do have to say that as much as I complain, and as unfair as I've been about my faith (or perhaps ungrateful), that I do honestly believe that God has been right here beside me every step of the way. I know it's an odd thing to say, but the more I fight my faith, and especially all the outwardly signs of it- the hijaab, regular prayers, etc....the more it has brought me to a point where I just know that everything, both the good and the bad happens for a reason. There are just some things that you cannot complain about because...well, because life isn't over yet, so we still don't know how things will actually unfold. The story isn't finished, and so what sometimes seems like the end of the rope may actually end up being just the middle. You never know where you will end up, or why you will end up there. Just trust that you were somehow meant to experience the journey. That's what life is, a journey, right?

Keep me in your prayers for Thursday...

On another note, I had the weirdest "find" the other day. I opened up an old box (I have no idea where it came from) and in it I found a diary. My diary. It dates back to the year before I married my ex, and it only has about 10 entries in it. The sad thing is that it actually shows my state of mind, what I experienced, and how I felt about it. I wrote about a month before my marriage that I was so disappointed that my parents weren't as happy as I was about the upcoming wedding, that they thought I could do better. But that one day, when they see how much he loves me, they will know just how great it really was for me, and they would realize that arranged marriages aren't always the answer. Then just a few months later, I wrote about how often the abuse had been occurring after our marriage, and how shocked/miserable/isolated I was. It took just a few months- less than 6 for him to take a hopeful young girl and make her so isolated, so alone that she had nobody left to turn to.

Reading that diary was a weird feeling. It was like watching my life in slow motion. I mean, I know that I was shocked when it all happened. What I didn't recall is that I actually contemplated leaving. I seem to have forgotten so much from back then, that it is all mostly a blur. I felt a bit ...stupid reading the diary entry. I was talking about how logically there was no way out of this mess but death or divorce, and how death is never an option as a Muslim woman, so it would have to be divorce (unless he killed me). No I'm not kidding. That's what it said, that I was fully aware that if I didn't divorce him, I would end up getting killed. And this was all written within the first few months of my marriage.

Reading it was weird. Afterwards, I asked myself what the heck I was thinking. I mean, this was written before I had the kids. Why didn't I leave before they came into the picture? What was I waiting for? Or did I have no intentions of leaving?

It's almost like I was reading a stranger's diary. Honestly. I couldn't fully understand the thought process of this girl. I felt sorry for her. And it was ME.

This was one of those weird eerie experiences where you are watching your life and you can't change it...

Fitting that I found it right before we go to court huh?

The Drama Continues

Here are the events of my weekend. Sigh.

I was in Buffalo on Friday visiting a friend, and was planning to return home on Sat. This was supposed to be my ex's access weekend with the kids, so there was no issue with the plan at the outset. When I spoke to my lawyer on Friday and found out that my ex would likely not have access to the children because our two lawyers couldn't come to an agreement (actually he refused to have a supervised visit), I immediately arranged for my mother to keep the kids for one night.

Here is what transpired:

• I got a text message from my ex around 3pm stating that he would pick up the children at 5pm from my home.
• I replied saying that he couldn't, that since our lawyers did not agree on weekend arrangements, there would be no access
  
• I called my mother and asked her to pick up the children from the babysitter.
  
• My mother picked up the children from the babysitter promptly at 5pm (I had asked her to pick them up at 4pm, but she ran late).
• As she turned the corner of my street (babysitter lives on my street), my ex pulled in front of her car and blocked her car forming a "T" shape. This is VERY dangerous and erratic driving especially with children involved.
  
• He rushed out and took my son out from my mother's car. My mother has two bad knees and is scheduled for knee surgery. She couldn't run after him. She told him he couldn't take the children, and he said that it was his weekend, and these were his children and they were entitled to be with them.
• My ex was with some man that we do not know. My mother asked who the man was and he didn't answer.
• My mother called me and told me what happened. I told her to go to the police station.
• She went to the police station and the police phoned me. I spoke to the officer on the phone. He told me that my ex denied stopping in front of my mom's car, and that he says the children ran out of the car to him. This is a lie. But the officer said that since it was our word against his, and since my ex is also a custodial parent, they wouldn't be able to help me in any way. They told me to get a more clear court order, and one that is police enforceable.
• I text messaged my ex several times asking when he would bring the children home. He did not reply to any of my messages until Sunday, advising that he would bring them at 6pm on Monday. I replied saying it was unacceptable and that the children needed time to wind down and get ready for their first day of school. He refused to bring them earlier and threatened not to bring them back at all, that he would drop them directly to school on Tuesday if I argued with him any further. He doesn't have new school clothes or backpacks so I had no way out but to accept his 6pm return
• I also got a text message from my ex advising that he has changed residences and that he is now living in a basement apartment in Mississauga (5 min drive from my home). He moved without telling me that he was doing this.
• When the children came home, they advised me that they were unsupervised all weekend long and that their dad now lives on his own nearby, and not with his parents as was the case before
  
• They also advised me that as soon as he got them in his car on Friday, he called the police station himself, advising them that should my parents call, he was acting within his rights on his visitation weekend

It never ends. Sept 13th is my first court date. At least he doesn't have access to them again before them. All other systems have failed me. Let's hope the courts can do their job.

Bad Behaviour Wins Again

This court process and the process of acquiring documentation and so on made me realize something. The worse one behaves, the more he intimidates those around him. If one can manage to behave badly enough, he will eventually get his way because those around him will either be to embarrassed to deal with him, or too afraid of him.

I have two people in my life who have expressed that they will not help me. The reason? My ex acts out. He either acts crazy and does stupid, embarrassing things that normal people wouldn't do like lash out at people by contacting their extended families, coworkers, and friends and getting these people involved. Or he gets angry and then becomes a threat to others. People don't want to be at the receiving end of his craziness, or of his temper. I guess they don't want the guilt by association, and naturally they don't want to get hurt or have their family or friends hurt.

This leaves me in a bit of a predicament. After all, if I need the help of those around me, I either have to find people emotionally strong enough to stand up to the jerk, or courageous enough to handle him if he lashes out. There are not too many of these people around, and fewer in the desi community that has witnessed everything firsthand. Desis by nature like to hide their dirty laundry. They hate having others talk badly about them. They hate controversy. They are the first to turn a blind eye. So what ends up happening is that people like myself end up SOL.

Interestingly enough, I've found support from the least expected sources. Two of them were close to me, and so their supported was somewhat expected. One source was a most unexpected person who has the most to lose, but had the courage enough to know the consequences to me if she didn't step forward. For this, I will be eternally grateful. But at the end of the day, it is sad to see that some are, well, influenced by my ex husband. I understand it, but I don't agree with it. Here's why- as long as the jerks of this world get to intimidate people, women in situations like my own will never be free. And our friends and community are actually contributing to the problem.

I had a friend who recently filed for an annulment. She is a practicing Christian and according to her beliefs, she cannot remarry unless she has an annulment. In order to get an annulment, she needed people to testify to the Christian group around the events that led to her separation, and what she considered to be a divorce (she has now re-found her faith and needs the annulment as a result). When I went in to testify, they explained that it would be tape recorded and he would have my name and info. For a split second, naturally, the thought crossed my mind that 'hey-what if he comes after me?' but only for a second. After that, I realized 'too bad. That's what the police are for. I'll deal with that when or if it happens'. Unfortunately, it's not that cut and dry for everyone, and we don't have the right to expect it to be. We all live differently, and have different priorities. Our past experiences shape us and our thinking. Nobody can slight another for this.

I actually for the first time understand why we are supposed to speak out when we see a wrong doing. If we don't speak out against an injustice, it's like we supported it. Or, in this case, facilitated it to continue.

If women are left high and dry when they need people to come forward to speak out, then I think the community needs to "own" part of the reason they are down in the first place. In my case, I'm lucky. I have a few people around that won't let me fall. But there are others who will protect themselves first, even at the expense of children. Like I said, I understand the decision, but I don't agree with it.

Imagine a woman who has a limited network. Imagine if she has one or two friends who know the details around what an abusive husband did to her. Now imagine that the husband threatens to do something to those friends if they speak out, and so they don't. The woman now has to suffer as do the children. She has no way out. Who do you blame? The ex? The friends? Society? The system?

It's an interesting dilemma. I'm one of the lucky ones, because despite those who turned away, there were a few willing to help. What happens to those that have nobody left to help?

For the first time, I'm realizing the true complexity of the issue. It's scary, and it's one that I don't quite know how we as a society can resolve. Perhaps restraining orders need to apply to women, and their friends, and the families of those friends? I'm sure some would say this is too big a violation on a person's liberties. Then again, should we care about the liberties of jerky abusive husbands? How can we help women who have been abused? How do we protect those that are willing to help them?

Great Wolf Lodge

I took the kids to Great Wolf Lodge this weekend. They had a total blast. I'm glad we were able to go. I actually booked it months ago so we could take some time to ourselves, and paid for it a few months back too, before all this court stuff started up. I have to say, the timing was perfect, cuz I needed the break too. And time to play at the water park was perfect for the kids.

I also took the kids to Ripley's and they totally loved it. I was a bit afraid that they might get bored there, because it is more like a museum (you read stuff and walk around), but they were great. We got home tonight (we were only gone for one night), but I am so exhausted. Right now, I am letting the kids stay up late to watch the Antz movie with me on TV tonight, but I'll have them in bed soon. After they are asleep, I'll have finish off some paperwork for the upcoming court case.

I'm off work next week, so I have a bit of time to mentally prepare before we file our responding documents, but since my lawyer wants all my stuff by Tuesday, I have to get the finishing touches in tonight.

Never a dull moment.

Served at Last

Not by me, but by her. I'm so glad. He deserves it. Shame on him for beating up women. I'd like to see him pick a fight with a man his own size. He wouldn't dare. That's because he is a total coward.

I spoke to his (almost) ex wife. He has been served her documents for divorce and yes, the emergency restraining order that got granted two days ago. I have a lot of respect for her. She's a hundred times smarter than I was. I stuck around for 11 years. She walked after four months. He was just as brutally abusive to her as he was to me. She made the same mistake as me and didn't press charges, but at least she had the sense to leave and get a restraining order. I had one when I left him in 2004 but stupidly enough I lifted it after he went on his meds and seemed normal again.

Would you believe he threatened to have me killed? I mean- told his wife that he wanted to hire someone to kill me. Told her. His wife. That he wanted to have his EX WIFE, the mother of his children, killed. How stupid could a man be?

Sigh. I'm hoping that this will soon be over. I go to court Sept 13. He won't get served my documents for another week. That will only be the beginning. I think I have a year of court dates ahead of me. Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers. I'm going to do this right once and for all.

Oh and pray one for Fatima too. She just might be my new hero. She had the courage to do what I couldn't do. I know full well what she went through. I went through it too. Nobody deserves that. Nobody.

Just Watch the Game, Crackerjack.

He sends me hostile emails demanding that I make sure I show up to the soccer games. I get text messages, I get voice mails. I get harassed. He copies his lawyer. Why the hell doesn't the lawyer tell him to back off? My guess is that his lawyer is a crackerjack too.

So I go to the games, with the kids. He shows up. He tries to layer on the public displays of affection to show how great a dad he is is. Pull ease. I'm about to puke. Do you remember to display that same affection when you're beating on my children? You're a jerk.

Anyhow, buddy comes to the game, waves at the child who is playing and then picks up the other child and walks away. Like last week, he took my daughter FROM MY LAP and walked to the park to play. I am left with two choices. Turn into psycho bitch in front of everyone, or keep silent. I keep silent.

But here is what happens. The child who is playing gets sad. "Mommy, why doesn't he watch my game?" I don't have an answer. I can't say the truth. The truth is that he is a jerk who is coming just so he can harass me, stalk me, and try to gain extra time with the other child. Or maybe just to prove a point. It has nothing to do with wanting to watch you play soccer.

Sad. Why can't Mr. Crackerjack just watch the freaking game? Why can't he be normal for just one day? Is that too much to ask?

Mattel Recall

I just spent 20 minutes going through the Mattel site. I am not impressed. I mean, they are handling it as best as they can, but to be honest, this is my little girl. We didn't buy some cheapo toy, this was Mattel for Pete's sake. She played with that Polly Pocket Snow Hotel for a long time...with her brother! Both of them! I mean, I can go and pull all the parts together and ship it back to them (once they send me the return info), but man...this is just way to scary.

It does give their brand quite the hit though. I buy Mattel cuz its supposed to be best. I won't see them that way anymore, even though we all know mistakes can happen to the best of us. But even knowing it wasn't deliberate, I still feel that it wasn't cautious enough.

It will take a heck of a long time for them to earn back their reputation with me. I guess that eliminates half the toy market. There was most definitely a quality control issue, and although it is ultimately Mattel's fault for not managing the quality...I wonder if poisonous paint would have been used in the US or Canada? It's possible. For now, the main thing I'm hearing is that going after cheap labor costed us something here, and that still falls on Mattel. (Funny how none of these parents take issue with the fact that there are actually KIDS making these toys for other kids- that should be an issue too).

I know we have recall on North American made products all the time...it's the poisoning point that I'm having a major issue with at the moment. Had they been just loose parts, I wouldn't have felt so strongly...

I know- I sound unreasonable. I'm just annoyed and venting. I have the creeps from thoughts of my kids playing with stupid polly pocket and then eating with those hands. I tell them to wash first, but sometimes, kids put their hands in their mouths etc. ....I know...being paranoid. I'll stop.

The Daily Show did do a funny spot on the topic though. All that stuff about the Chinese kids deliberately poisoning our lazy, spoiled, North American kids...hilarious.

Where did the Summer Go?

It's a tough one when you can actually look at two months and wonder what the heck happened to them. My children have been off for July and August. They go back to school in two weeks. My little baby girl starts grade 1 and all of a sudden has anxiety over the fact that she's never been to public school. I decided to take the last week August off. My first day off is next week Friday, and then I'm off for the following week, and for the first day of school. My agenda- let the kids do whatever they want.

I was going to plan "day trips" to the zoo etc, but I realized that they have been in summer camp- they've been doing all those day trips every day without a break. When I pick my son up from camp each day- he asks if he can go home and play outside with all the other kids. That's what summer vacation is supposed to be about, and they don't get to do it. I think I'm going to spend the last week at home, with the kids, doing whatever they want. I can read with them, I can fix the garden/lawn while they play outside, they can run in the sprinkler, play in the sandbox, or we can go roller blading. I'm looking forward to the downtime myself. It's been really busy at the office and I haven't had much breathing time since I started my new job. As interesting as it's been, I would love the time just to veg out. And, I plan to take my kids to school on their first day, pick them up, bring them home, and learn all about what they are doing.

On other fronts, I think things are going OK. I'm starting to realize that it will take me about 3-5 years to pay off legal fees for this court battle. It's unfortunate, but I don't see much of a choice at the moment. Let's see how that goes. I'm hopeful that it will go well, but I'm not a lawyer. It's been slow moving up until now...we don't even have a court date yet, but it will come up soon I think. Keep your fingers crossed and wish me luck. The more things get closer to going somewhere, the more I start to realize that the system has failed me on so many fronts, that it is a bit foolish to think it will help me now. But I am human, and so, I keep hopeful...