Because I wanted someone to love, someone who would love me back. Well, that's the answer I gave my little daughter tonight. I couldn't exactly explain everything to her, from biological urges, to maternal urges, to wanting a purpose in life, to, I dunno. The truth is, I don't know why I had children, or why I wanted them. I just know that I really wanted to have them. It's one of those things you just know, but you can never explain to another person.
"Would you have had children if you knew that you were going to be separated?". Wow. Tough question. I wonder why she asked that. My guess is that she wants to hear that I wanted her whether separated or not. The truth is, no. Had I known I would end up divorced, I would never have had children. I mean, the people who suffer the most after a divorce are the children. So why have them if you're going to make them suffer and then spend your whole life trying to make up for the damage that you've done? So logically, no. I would not have had them if I knew I would end up divorced. But they do exist, and I am so glad that they are a part of my life. They are my children, my life. I would take a bullet for them any day. The fact is, they ARE in the picture, and so now they matter the MOST. I wanted them then, and I want them now. And I couldn't give them up for anything, or anyone.
"Yes. Because I wanted you to be a part of my life. I wanted someone special to love forever. And someone who would love me back".
"But now we are gone some of the time, so we aren't here to love you when we are at daddy's".
"Sweetheart. You're not here when you are with him. But your love for me is still here. I know you think of me when you're there, just like I think of you. You are a part of my life, and you always will be, and I will love you for life. No matter what. Even when you're good, and even when your behavior is bad. I will love you no matter what. That will never change. A mommy always loves her babies for life. That's how God made us."
She beamed. "Thank you for being the best mommy in the whole world!"
"Thank you baby. For being the best daughter in the world."
Sigh. I wonder what goes on in that little head of hers. Poor soul. She witnesses so much, and she is so little. It's sad- the children do suffer the most.
All I can do is do my very best, with the limited resources I have. I don't have much guilt anymore. I know I'm doing the best I can. I am human. I make mistakes. But I am trying to make up for everything, the divorce, the pain, and trying to be both a mother and a father to these children. I try to wash cuts, do band aids, do homework, discipline, teach them values, and still try to have fun.
One day at a time. All I can say is that I'm proud of what I've accomplished within the circumstances I've been given. And I'm grateful for everything that I've been given along the way. I have been blessed with more than the average single mom. One in four households today is a single parent household. 90% of those live on the poverty line. By the grace of God, we may not be rich, but we aren't that bad either.
I have alot to be grateful for.
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