This court process and the process of acquiring documentation and so on made me realize something. The worse one behaves, the more he intimidates those around him. If one can manage to behave badly enough, he will eventually get his way because those around him will either be to embarrassed to deal with him, or too afraid of him.
I have two people in my life who have expressed that they will not help me. The reason? My ex acts out. He either acts crazy and does stupid, embarrassing things that normal people wouldn't do like lash out at people by contacting their extended families, coworkers, and friends and getting these people involved. Or he gets angry and then becomes a threat to others. People don't want to be at the receiving end of his craziness, or of his temper. I guess they don't want the guilt by association, and naturally they don't want to get hurt or have their family or friends hurt.
This leaves me in a bit of a predicament. After all, if I need the help of those around me, I either have to find people emotionally strong enough to stand up to the jerk, or courageous enough to handle him if he lashes out. There are not too many of these people around, and fewer in the desi community that has witnessed everything firsthand. Desis by nature like to hide their dirty laundry. They hate having others talk badly about them. They hate controversy. They are the first to turn a blind eye. So what ends up happening is that people like myself end up SOL.
Interestingly enough, I've found support from the least expected sources. Two of them were close to me, and so their supported was somewhat expected. One source was a most unexpected person who has the most to lose, but had the courage enough to know the consequences to me if she didn't step forward. For this, I will be eternally grateful. But at the end of the day, it is sad to see that some are, well, influenced by my ex husband. I understand it, but I don't agree with it. Here's why- as long as the jerks of this world get to intimidate people, women in situations like my own will never be free. And our friends and community are actually contributing to the problem.
I had a friend who recently filed for an annulment. She is a practicing Christian and according to her beliefs, she cannot remarry unless she has an annulment. In order to get an annulment, she needed people to testify to the Christian group around the events that led to her separation, and what she considered to be a divorce (she has now re-found her faith and needs the annulment as a result). When I went in to testify, they explained that it would be tape recorded and he would have my name and info. For a split second, naturally, the thought crossed my mind that 'hey-what if he comes after me?' but only for a second. After that, I realized 'too bad. That's what the police are for. I'll deal with that when or if it happens'. Unfortunately, it's not that cut and dry for everyone, and we don't have the right to expect it to be. We all live differently, and have different priorities. Our past experiences shape us and our thinking. Nobody can slight another for this.
I actually for the first time understand why we are supposed to speak out when we see a wrong doing. If we don't speak out against an injustice, it's like we supported it. Or, in this case, facilitated it to continue.
If women are left high and dry when they need people to come forward to speak out, then I think the community needs to "own" part of the reason they are down in the first place. In my case, I'm lucky. I have a few people around that won't let me fall. But there are others who will protect themselves first, even at the expense of children. Like I said, I understand the decision, but I don't agree with it.
Imagine a woman who has a limited network. Imagine if she has one or two friends who know the details around what an abusive husband did to her. Now imagine that the husband threatens to do something to those friends if they speak out, and so they don't. The woman now has to suffer as do the children. She has no way out. Who do you blame? The ex? The friends? Society? The system?
It's an interesting dilemma. I'm one of the lucky ones, because despite those who turned away, there were a few willing to help. What happens to those that have nobody left to help?
For the first time, I'm realizing the true complexity of the issue. It's scary, and it's one that I don't quite know how we as a society can resolve. Perhaps restraining orders need to apply to women, and their friends, and the families of those friends? I'm sure some would say this is too big a violation on a person's liberties. Then again, should we care about the liberties of jerky abusive husbands? How can we help women who have been abused? How do we protect those that are willing to help them?
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