Think I'm wrong? Guess again.
I've come to realize that often times women create problems for other women. I mean think about abusive situations...we usually think the cause is men, right? While it's true that most of the time, the men are the abusive ones, I think that women help them in other ways. Not the victims, just other women. Sometimes. Maybe I should be more specific. Take a look at some of the cultural roots.
Take a look at Indo Paks. There tends to be a lot of physical abuse. I'm not sure why. And I could be wrong, but I think it's more than in other cultures. But I've seen enough and heard about enough to know that it is just way too common, and that it is actually just often ignored.
So what if the women in this culture were to revolt? What if they were to really stand together and fight it? I mean, look at it this way- women suffer it, and then they grow up to be mothers and turn a blind eye when it happens to their daughters, or they support their sons even if they are abusive towards their wives. How is that possible? Instead of enabling it to continue, why don't they speak out against it? Why is this such a problem in this community?
I've spoken to many women and seen a lot. I have a friend who was abused by her husband. Her MOTHER upon hearing this said "Come on, a slap once in awhile happens. What did you do to make this happen?" HER MOTHER! When I went through this, there was one time, before the children were born when my ex hard hit me so hard that I had bruises on my back. I was so infuriated that I called his mother and father over, and lifted my shirt to show them the bruises on my back. My father in law said "Don't tell your father", and he gave the 20 second token yelling to my ex. His MOTHER who was abused by her own husband back in the day said "I know it's hard, but this is what happens sometimes". Oh really?
So here I am, wondering how a culture got so messed up in the first place. And why women- smart, educated women, don't do anything to stop this. I mean, yes, I fall in that category - smart, educated woman, and yes- it took me years to leave, but had those around me supported me more, I might have left sooner.
I'm not trying to "pass the blame". Just trying to understand if we as women contribute to the problem, instead of fighting against it. I can honestly tell you if a man ever touched my daughter, I would personally break his arms. And I intend to see to it that my son doesn't ever turn out to be the type of guy that would do that. If he were, I would consider myself a failure as a mother. And for the record, if he ever did (God forbid) hit a woman, I would take her side. Honest.
3 comments:
I was using the search words "women enablers" tonight and I came upon this article. Although I did not grow up experiencing the physical abuse of women, there were a lot of verbal insults from my father about my mother and me and women in general. For example, females aren't usually as intelligent as men, they lack the ability for many types of employment, are not mechanically inclined (also a belief held by some women).
At times my father was just plan rude. It was horrible. My mother usually put up with it. If I responded to the rudeness other women who were in earshot would just smile and sometimes laugh and tell me not to let it bother me. I suppose I was to let it go in one ear and out of the other. (As if nothing was between my two ears).
Of course, nothing but respect was expected for males. If I said anything that might be considered in anyway disrespectful towards men I was quickly reprimanded, almost always by other women.
I also have found some churches I've attended to have an underlying disrespect toward females. And there are those loyal women expecting other women and girls to just "put up with it" smiling as if the female who protests is being too sensitive.
Anyone out there have similar experiences?
Jo
I grew up in an Indian/Pakistani community. Although many people have changed today, this was not the case when I was growing up, and certainly, there are many in our community who still need to change their thinking.
Growing up in this community, there was definitely favoritism for males. There was also alot of the "grooming" of females- how you conduct yourself etc was directly related to your ability to get married when you grow up. Now that I am all grown up (and divorced), I don't think marriage is everything people make it out to be. But maybe that's just me.
Now my family (actually my mom and dad) joke that I am the "boy" of the family. Career, children, independant. Funny how that makes me the "boy" isn't it? :)
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