Ever Get the Feeling

That you are sitting in the eye of the storm? I just had that feeling tonight. Every now and then I actually stop, look around and absorb the surroundings. Today, probably because of my cold, I got to do just that. I was at the children's therapist's office. She was talking about how scared the children are of their father, but of how peculiar it is because of the hold that he has on them. I was listening to every word, and all of a sudden, I felt this dark feeling come over me. It wasn't quite deja vu, but it was that hopeless feeling, like I was stuck and couldn't get out. The last time I had this feeling was when I was married, and it often happened after one of his anger outbursts. I actually tuned out the doctors voice and just started speaking...

"He's going to win again isn't he? Just like always. He's like a cat with 9 lives. He gets away with everything and always finds a loophole or a way out. He did it to me for years, and now he's silencing the children. All this stuff about their fears, they've stopped telling me. They actually don't talk to me anymore. I thought it was because I was doing such a great job protecting them. That I actually succeeded as a mother. But I haven't. He succeeded as an abuser. He managed to silence the children, even from me. And I didn't even know it".

She paused, and tried to reassure me that he won't get out this time...that too much has been spoken by the children, that Fatima's affidavit is too strong. But it didn't work for me. I looked at her and said "No. The system failed me many times. I'm going to court Oct 2, and he's going to get out of this. He's managed to silence the source. He's silenced the children. From me. Imagine that."

She tried to reassure me, but you know, I feel stupid. I think I'm walking into the storm on Oct 2, and somehow, stupidly, I allowed myself to believe the storm was ending. But it hasn't ended. I'm sitting in the eye of the storm, and I'm not holding onto anything.

Some days I just feel like giving up. I've worked so hard, and Oct 2 is just the beginning, yet I feel like I don't have the strength to continue. Sigh. What happens if he gets out of this one? I mean, this is my last shot at protecting the children. Can you imagine- what if the courts permit this? You will be looking at a lifetime of abuse for the children.

So much is riding on this court stuff. Too much in fact.