Girl Time

Well, as an update to yesterday, yes the furnace has been fixed. The guy came after 7pm and said he "just received the call 10 minutes ago", so that was really bad. Either way, at least it is warmer in the house now, so that's a start.

My daughter and I have a "girl weekend" together this weekend. I'm really looking forward to it. Last weekend, she didn't want to go with her dad. I think she misses the solitary one on one time with me, so we agreed to spend the weekend together, just the two of us. She's being really sweet about it, and I promised her we would get to do girl things together. I think I'm going to paint her fingernails....She'll be sure to get a kick out of that.

My behaviour with the Sears person yesterday is bothering me a bit. I mean, yes it was stressful, and with the divorce stuff and other things, I have been a bit pre-occupied lately. I think it's having a bigger effect on me than I've been willing to admit. I think I'm trying to tell myself that I am able to go through this with zero emotion, but it's not quite accurate. I'm not saying that I'm regretting my decisions, but I am saying that the entire process is very emotionally draining. It's to the point that (I kid you not), I must have randomly broke down and cried for about an hour yesterday. That's just nuts. I am so embarrassed.

I spent last night asking myself what I can do to help this time pass. I thought of the usual options:

1) Take a week off work- nice option but I did that in December, and here I am again...It obviously is a short term fix but doesn't help me long term
2) Go on a vacation- This sounds great, despite the dent that it would make to the line of credit, but really, its a temporary thing like #1, with the added possibility that I might just come back even more tired than I am now
3) Take a few weeks leave from work- I contemplated this too, but turned it down because despite the fact that it probably would help more than the first two items, I can't afford a leave without pay, and I just don't have it in me to do something like a stress leave (even though I probably am a prime candidate for this type of thing- I mean how many people do you know that are going through what I am, and how often in your life does it really happen? Besides, I can't be on more tranquilizers, sleeping pills, or migraine pills than I currently am). But still, it's just not me, so I'm going to rule that out too. I mean, can you imagine the optics of something like that at work? That would be a career killer, so no thanks.

Hmmm. Look- I've run out of options. Status quo till I break. Good plan.

Shoddy Service

I am so upset right now, I can barely stay composed. My furnace broke down...Last night...Again. I put a heater in my bedroom, packed the kids in my bed and we stayed there last night to keep warm. I called Sears at 8am today and requested emergency service. They told me someone would be here in 2 hrs. I called again. They said 1hr. I cancelled my business lunch with a vendor so that I could be home. Nobody showed. I called them about 9 times today, which is absolutely unacceptable, and is by far the crappiest service I have ever experienced in my life.

I think I'm a decent communicator. I think I explained the problem well. But when I have to call 9 times, and each time be asked "yes, at that address I'm showing a Mrs. Simpson, is that your name", and I correct them and get the same question again the next time, it's just beyond pathetic. What is even worse, is the fact that I have to explain the whole problem over again each time. You would think a company like Sears would have a proper call log.

Well, it's 9 degrees in the house. I'm freezing, and the children are going to be home soon. I couldn't pick them up myself this lovely Friday because I'm home waiting for the stupid Sears furnace fixer. I am so frustrated right now.

Well, this was the breaking point for me. On telephone call #10 to Sears, where I was again asked if I was Mrs. Simpson, and was again told there was no record of my call, I totally lost it. I started to tell the lady that their incompetence was unacceptable, and that it is 9 degrees in my house right now, and that I am a single mother and my children can't sleep here tonight and what the bloody hell does she want me to do? And then of course, I started crying. Nice. Well that was professional.

Well anyways, I guess the Niagara Falls tear factory worked, cuz she says she'll personally make sure they call me. I'm still waiting for that call. Why the hell do they have to piss a customer off so much before they get their act together and finally learn to provide basic customer service?

Slumber Party

God I'm tired. This is like my marathon audit weekend all over again. The only thing I'm missing is the frosted flakes for all my meals. Who am I kidding, I'm NOT missing that. In fact...I don't think I'll ever buy frosted flakes again. That was gross.

So I had to work on some stuff for the office. Went to sleep at 5:30am, woke up around 9:30. Now I feel sick. Nauseated. I'm so dumb for subjecting myself to this yet again.

I'm not going to detail the pathetic-ness of my weekend. Here's something funny though. My girlfriend just called me. Her children are with her ex this weekend, and she's doing a bunch of work as well. She's a teacher and has a pile up of stuff to catch up on. So she called, we chatted and had this hilarious idea. She's going to bring her stuff over here. She'll do her work, I'll do mine, and we can take a gazillion breaks in between and watch a movie or something. Awesome. We'll both get our work done and will have some fun too. She's going to stay over as well. Pajama party- haven't done that since high school. What fun! OK- and a bit pathetic too- "Hi- I'm 34, and for kicks I send my kids to their dad's so that I can pajama party". Who am I kidding...Still fun! And way better than the pathetic plans I had.

Need a Break

I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I feel like I need a break. I mean I did the spa thing just about 2 weeks ago, but here I am...Again. I think this is a good way of letting yourself know that you've had enough. When two weeks go by and you feel burned out all over again.

The workload at the office is getting to me. To much to do, no time, too much slipping through the cracks. I am getting so tired. To top it off, this is going to be another crazy working weekend, just me and the laptop. I'm not looking forward to this at all. I'm already tired, and its only 8pm Friday night. I'm waiting for next weekend, so hopefully I can get rest and not have to work. Now that's sad. The pathetic thing is, I think half the people who work with me probably have no clue what I do all day. Now that's weird.

So, I have a cleaning lady coming over tomorrow. I'm glad I'm doing that. I'm not a slob or anything, but its been almost 2 weeks since I messed up the knee and two weeks without vacuuming, cleaning washrooms etc is just gross. So hooray! By tomorrow evening I should have a clean house.

My ex came to pick up the kids. He went on and on about how he's "moving on" and meeting new people. Oh please. Put a sock in it. Like I should care. Please- move on and be someone else's problem. It's not like you were some major prize cookie to begin with. I know...Bitter. But what the heck. I think I have the right to be. I actually want him to be happy, but I don't want him trying to spite me. And while I'm on the topic...I'm the one who left. How can he emotionally move on when I'm still stuck trying to repair myself? That's just too much. And his behavior today is just downright mean- why would you rub someone's nose in that? I don't understand it. How childish...I would never do that to him. ARG ARG ARG - I'm feeling my grouchy side coming out these days, and I don't like it one bit.

Anyhow....I'm looking at that snack basket my friend sent me and yes. I think I'm going to binge and eat it. It looks good and I feel like crap. Instant gratification. Besides. I have a work meeting at 3am. Don't ask. It's hazards of the job I'm in I guess....So tonight will be a late night. I'm planning on going to bed at 5am. Funny thing is, with the insomnia, that's been happening on its own. Watch tonight be the night I actually fall asleep. How ironic would that be?

Knee Acupuncture

Well- I've been back at work for a few days now. I've been trying to take extra precautions- wearing flat shoes, driving into work to avoid the extra walking, parking at one office and scheduling all my meetings in that building instead of walking from one building to the next, but to be really honest, I think I would have been better off if I had waited another week before going back. When I come home at night, the knee gets all swollen again. I think I'm just slowing down the healing which is really bad. On the plus side, I am home Friday, Sat, Sun, so I'm going to park at home, and keep the leg elevated, so I'm hoping it will get better.

Along the theme of trying to heal this knee as fast as I can, I went for acupuncture today. That was totally painful. I'm not sure what made me think sticking a bunch of needles in my knee would actually make the pain go away (rather than just make it increase from the needles), but I think I was hoping it might help in some twisted way. I'm not sure if it did much, but I'm willing to give it one more try. Anything to make it recover faster.

I had two pleasant surprises in the past two days. Yesterday, I came home to find a gift basket sitting on my front porch. As it turns out, my good friend in Ajax heard about my knee and sent me a care basket. That was really thoughtful. It was full of all kinds of snacks, some healthy, others not so healthy, but all of them look yummy. I plan on busting that out over this weekend. This friend is awesome. I think leaving things on my porch is her personal trend. When I was in the hospital two years ago, I came home to a stack of tupperwares full of food sitting on my front porch. She didn't want to disturb me at home, so left it out there, and left me a voicemail saying it was there, so I wouldn't open the door for her. Random kindness. Don't you love it?

Today, my neighbours came back from a trip to Venezuela. I've been keeping an eye on things, salting the driveway, picking up flyers while they were away (well, before the leg thing). They are so awesome. Matt came by to give me a little trinket from their trip. It's a really nice pair of earrings. Some people are so nice. I love having them as neighbours. They are so thoughtful.

So, this morning, I saw a kid shoveling the driveway of one of my neighbours a few houses down. When I start walking again, I'm going to go over and ask them who that was. I'm wondering if I can pay him to do mine. Two reasons for that: Firstly, I'm lazy, and secondly, I'm not exactly walking right now. Hiring a kid to do the work sounds fab.

On another note, the office has been getting really stressful lately. I'm getting a bit tired of some of the garbage politics I'm seeing and my patience is starting to run out. I think that's a sure sign when you need a vacation. I'm thinking I should consider some time off. Refereeing infighting amongst groups isn't exactly my cup of tea. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but there are weeks like this one where you just kind of sigh and say....What the heck am I doing here right now?

Other than that, things are moving along. My parents still haven't left for their vacation yet, and I'm secretly thankful for it. The extra hand here and there has really helped me out a lot. At this rate, I might even be walking normally by the time they actually leave. I'm hoping for that.

Valentine's Day Preparations

I sat at the kitchen table tonight with my two little ones. We were writing out Valentine's day cards for their school. As we were writing I had this little flashback of Valentine's day growing up with my family. I remembered sitting at the dining table writing out my Valentine's day cards for my friends. I remembered the "methodology" I followed when I was little. My children were doing the exact same thing. They would go through the box, and pick out the Valentines that they liked best. Then they would go through the list and find the friends that they liked best and write their names on the card. The process would continue until the children they liked the least were left on the list. Those children would get the least favourite cards. I did the same thing when I was in grade school. My children were doing the exact same thing tonight. But that's not the interesting part. What is really interesting is what came out of tonight's discussions.

I learned a lot about my children, why they like the friends that they like, why they don't like the ones whose cards we did last. I recall my mother asking me the same questions when I was little.

"So why does Jason get the yellow card?" I asked.
"Because yellow is yucky and so is Jason. He's mean to me and tells me to get out of his club".
"I see. And what do you say to Jason?"
"I tell him he's the mean ugly gremlin and princesses don't want to be in their club".
Well....I guess that's a comeback in one way or another. Interesting. I didn't know my daughter had that kind of backbone. I always imagined her to be the sit-in-the-corner-and-cry-your-eyes-out type. But here she was defending herself. Not bad. Hey- at least she's not getting into fights, and also not coming crying home to mommy. I'd say that's pretty balanced.

The point is, I learned the names of their friends, their not so friendly classmates, and got to hear a few funny stories. Children don't always volunteer that info on their own. You usually hear about their most favourite friends, and the least favourite ones, but never the entire class at once. This was really fun. Now I know why my mom would sit with us and talk to us as we wrote our Valentine's Day cards. Aren't mothers brilliant?

This brought back yet another memory. Growing up in an Indo-Pak family in the 70's, my parents took a few years to catch on to all the Western traditions. While we did end up giving out Valentine's Day cards and Christmas cards, it wasn't until I was in grade 2 or 3. I guess it took a couple of years of my receiving them before my parents figured out the custom. My younger brother and sister were a bit luckier because I was the guinea pig. By the time they went through grade school, my parents knew the customs well, so they never missed a thing.

There was one year in particular where my mom bought the three of us Valentine's Day gifts. I remember the year so well because it was such a thoughtful gift, and so unusual to receive something on a Western holiday from my very Indo-Pak mother. When we opened our gifts, we found little packets of cinnamon hearts, and these adorable hand carved, hand painted animal shaped pencil sharpeners for school. There was a pencil with hearts on it, and matching erasers. I was so touched by the gift and so moved that my mother had made such an effort to integrate into "our world" that I never forgot it. I actually had asked her "why did you buy us these?" she replied "because I love you and you will always be my Valentine". My mom is not the most sentimental person in the world, but at that moment, I saw a really soft person making a genuine effort to please her children. It stayed with me forever.

So, tomorrow, I'm going to take that little learning from my mother. I'm going to buy some little trinkets for my children and give it to them for Valentine's Day. I'm going to remind them that they will forever be my Valentines. My gesture for the children may not have the same impact as my mom's efforts did for me, but the funny thing about mothers is that you can never know which of your actions will be remembered the most. I bet my mom had no idea when she bought us those gifts that I would never forget her love and affection, and that the memory would last forever.

20 years from now, I'll find out which memories my children will hold close to them. In the meantime, I'll just keep doing things to remind them that I do think of them, that they are important, and that they will always be loved. That's one of the things I realized recently. No matter where I am, or where I end up, my children will always be two of the people that I love the most in this entire world. A mother's love for her children is after all, unconditional, and the memories we build together do indeed last a lifetime.

Thanking the Children

I was reading a magazine article about a woman who had been through two divorces. She's now in her third marriage, and she says that the third time is a charm. She talked about her experiences, and the emotional difficultly of recovering from divorce, and about how she managed to get through it twice in one lifetime. She said it was easier for her because she didn't have any children from her first two marriages to worry about or focus on. This made me think a little about my own situation. Everybody's situation of course, is different. No two people are alike and so our responses to the world around us are all different.

I think that moving on might have been somewhat easier if I didn't have children because I could just cut the chord and never see my ex again, and never have to deal with him again. I wouldn't have to deal with co-parenting discussions, and visitation, and co-ordinating schedules on a weekly basis. Being childless would also make it easier if I ever decided to start another relationship, but I'm not so sure that life is that cut and dry.

Firstly, I love my children. They are my main focus right now, and they bring me a great deal of joy, and yes, sometimes even some frustration. It isn't easy, but it has been fun. Secondly, I don't know if I want another relationship. I think I'm going to be one of those women who has a hard time trusting men emotionally after everything I've been through. I am of course, trying to heal on that front, but it will take time. The last point, and in my opinion the most important point of all, is that the children are here, they are my reality, so hypothetical what-ifs don't really help anything.

That being said- I do know one thing for certain. I only left for the children. I tolerated a great deal of garbage in that marriage while I was the recipient of the crap and abuse, but I had one golden rule. Just one. NEVER the children. NEVER. When he crossed that line, I left. It was that simple. There was nothing left to debate. So from that perspective, the children saved me, and I owe them for that.

So yes, children can be a heavy weight for some women going through a divorce, but for others they can set you free. Another thing is lifestyle. Some people look at me and say- life would be a lot easier if you were not a single mother. It's really tough to do that on your own. This is also true. But the flipside to that one is that I can manage better emotionally as a single mother. On a bad day, those little hugs can carry me for miles and miles. One look at their faces and I know I'm doing this for the right reasons. I left for a good cause. No regrets. Never look back.

If I were to be on my own right now with no children, I know what my life would be like, because I know myself all too well. It would be me, living downtown in a condo, working insane hours, and coming home to take-out dinners and television, night after night. Weekends would be housework, and the same routine, and everything would be focused on work. Right now, my focus is the children. Because they are a part of my life, I have to work harder. I have to come home in time to read to them, play with them and put them to bed. That means I can't live at the office. I am forced to keep healthy foods in the house, to pack meals for the children (which often helps me pack meals for myself). I am forced to have more in my life than just work and TV, and that makes the transition a lot easier. Plus, the children visit their dad several weekends a month. When I'm alone, yes I do house chores. But I also cherish the "me" time so much more that I make a point of seeing friends and family and spending time just hanging out and living a little. I'm not sure if I would do that on my own. I have a tendency to get wrapped up in things, and I think if I didn't have the children right now, I would be consumed by the office. The children help to balance me, and they give me something more important to work at. I also recognize the need to be mentally healthy. I do, after all, need to be happy if I'm going to take on the responsibility of raising two children. This responsibility is something that I take so seriously, that I have been making a project out of moving on and living a happy, healthy life. Without them, I might have stayed in an unhappy marriage, and if I did manage to somehow leave, I may not have been where I am today. I may have been the depressed woman living day in day out wondering if she will ever meet someone else. My focus might have been to move on and marry again, rather than being focused on personal healing, growth, and maintaining the happiness and contentment that I have right here, right now with these little ones. That's pretty incredible if you ask me.

In a perfect world, I would be doing all these things for myself. Some would say that I shouldn't do this for the children, but that I should be strong enough and responsible enough to put importance on my own well being. True, but this isn't a perfect world, and I'm not a perfect person. What I do know is that every case is different. Who knows? A few years from now, I might become that person, in fact I'm hoping that I will be that person. I'm hoping I will be responsible enough to put more importance on having fun, and on my well being, for no other reason, but that I want to be good to myself. I'm working really hard at getting there, and I'm confident that I will indeed get there. But what I know for sure is that when I get there, I will have my children to thank, because it was their little hands, their guidance, and the responsibility of taking care of them, that is teaching me to be more responsible and better at taking care of myself.

Vacationing Parents

Well, the knee is acting up today. It a bit weird, because it is more stable (less jello-y), so I can walk better, and with less of a limp, but it's more painful. I'm not sure where the pain is coming from. I went out twice yesterday, once to the doctor, and once to the restaurant, but both times I was dropped at the door and picked up at the door. There was almost no walking. And, the doctor told me I could try to start walking again, but to take it easy, meaning if the pain is too intense, I will need to sit down. He told me to drive to work (no running to catch the train), and to avoid meetings from one building to the next. So given that advice, I hardly think the two outings yesterday should have did me in. Maybe it was the cold weather? Either way, I'm home this entire weekend and have no intentions of leaving, not even once. The little setback is concerning me...I just want the knee to get better as fast as possible.

On another note, my parents are going on vacation for 5 weeks. This is great and I'm happy for them. I like to see them spending time away and bonding, and I love to see that they are going to a warmer destination. My dad despises the cold, which always makes me laugh because at 19, when he was picking a place to move to, and he knew he was leaving a warm place like Pakistan, why on earth did he pick Toronto? It's absolutely freezing here in the winter. Don't get me wrong, I love Toronto, and have no intentions of ever leaving, but it does puzzle me that he ended up choosing to move here when he could have gone anywhere. Especially given how much he hates the cold. Life is funny that way. You never know where you are going to end up.

Not to be selfish, but, while I am really happy to see that my parents will be getting a break, I am also just a little worried about what this will mean for me. My parents help me so much with the pick up/drop off of the children, and while I would normally manage for 5 weeks, the recent intensity with my ex means I cannot rely on him if the need arises. So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. He picks them up Mondays, I work from home Fridays, so those days will be fine. But this means I have to leave the office by 4pm every day and drive home through an hour and a half of traffic to get the children. That means a tight schedule and a shorter work day for 5 weeks. It means a 9:30-4 workday, since I also drop the children off in the morning. Thank God I work in a flexible workplace. It just means I will be bringing the laptop home every single night, and that I will have to plan a few hours of work every night after the children go to sleep. Dinner however, will be another issue. This now means I will have to cook every night, or cook on weekends for the week. Hmmm. I think I'm going to see a large take out bill over the next few weeks. But those are just small inconveniences.

This is another good reminder of how lucky I am to have so much support from the people around me. Little reminders like this are great. They keep us appreciative of those around us who help us and support us, so we don't take them for granted. I am so lucky to have awesome parents, and to have an awesome boss who gives me this kind of flexibility. Just imagine....Other single moms in my situation would probably be panicking right now. I'm just a little inconvenienced. At least I know I would never lose my job, or get in trouble or anything like that. I am fortunate enough to have the luxury of knowing that I can re-jig my schedule, put in some hours at night/weekends, and nobody will care. In fact, it's quite possible that nobody at the office will even notice. I still fully intend to advise my boss of the situation, just so he knows. It's always better to share this kind of information up front, as a courtesy to others.

Anyhow, my dad phoned me today to "ask" if it is ok with me that he takes the 5 weeks away. I was really touched by this gesture. My parents do so much for me, they certainly don't need to ask me for permission to take time away. But it's just that- my dad knows that my ex has been a bit of an ass lately, and that he's giving me a hard time, which means that I can expect little support from him these days. My parents also know that I depend on them a lot for the children's after school routine. My parents are also is a bit concerned about going away, given my recent wipe out with the knee. I was really touched with by the gesture.

"Of course you should go away. I will be absolutely fine. Honest. Please daddy- don't worry about me at all. I'll just move my work schedule around for a few weeks. Nobody will care at the office". And I meant it. Of course he shouldn't worry about me. At the end of the day, the children are my responsibility. "Yes, but your well being is our responsibility". Those were my mothers words. God Bless them both.

Test Results

Today was busy with office work. I stayed home from work (again), and although my ear is about to fall off from all the conference calls, on the good side, it is really nice to get some work done. Clearing email in between meetings without interruption is pretty cool. I started off on Tuesday morning with around 150 pending items in my Inbox at work. By 'pending', I mean opened and still need to be actioned- either I need to draft a report, do background work, email five other people before I can reply to just one, and so on. It means they require more work than just a simple reply, and that I can't just 'delegate' or 'delete' to get rid of them. I'm now sitting at 35 such emails remaining in the Inbox. That's pretty darn good, considering I still have a regular inflow of email that I'm also managing. I am so much more productive when I work from home. It's unbelievable.

As for my doctor's visit, it went pretty well. The x-ray and ultrasound were both good, which means that nothing is broken and the ligaments don't appear to be torn. That means that I've probably just sprained it badly, and that it will probably heal. The doctor says I will need to wear the tensor on my knee for another month, and stay on the anti-inflammatories for a few more days. He also reminded me that we can't know more at the moment. We need to let the knee heal and see what it feels like in a month's time. Depending on that we may or may not still need to do an MRI. One downside of all this...No heels for some time. That royally sucks. I might as well pack away all my shoes. All but one pair, because I only own one pair of flat-heeled shoes. That's kind of crappy.

But still, the more important point, and the one I'm thankful for is that it looks like I won't need surgery. I can't ask for more than that. Dr. Clive thinks that by Monday, nobody will even notice my limp. He says with the tensor on for the next month, I should appear to walk normally. Without it, I could hurt the knee again. If I hurt the knee again, even just a little bit, I run the risk of major permanent damage. I cannot have that happen. I just can't. Tensor and flat-heeled shoes it is.

A couple of friends took me out for birthday dinner tonight. I had a nice time. It was nice to get out of the track pants and make it out for the evening. It was nice to get out of the house. It was nice to sit and chat. Given, it was hard to walk, but, they let me lean on them to walk into the restaurant, and I was able to discretely rest my leg on the chair in front of me (I know- uncivilized, but nobody could see that), so it all worked out. And I even had super yummy cheesecake. MMMMM!

The Birthday Message

Happy Birthday to You
Happy Birthday to You
Happy Birthday Dear Mommy
You're really Beautiful Too.

Kids can be so adorable. My little babies woke me up and sang their little birthday song. I asked my son where he heard this ending and he said he made it up. Kids are awesome. I especially love their amazing ability to see beauty in just about anything. Like in their mother at 7 in the morning, with unruly hair that hasn't been brushed, no makeup, and well, her PJs. Kids are so awesome. Their concept of beauty is so innocent. I love it. I wonder how long that will last?

I went for the ultrasound on my knee today. I think it is going to be just fine. I'm able to walk now, so that's great. Given, it still feels like jello, but that's ok- the pain is going down, and I can see the kneecap again, so that means the swelling is going down too. That has to be a good sign. I kept bugging the technician to tell me something at the ultrasound, so he did say that he's not a specialist, but from what he saw, everything seemed to look ok to him. He also further qualified it by saying that if there's damage below the surface level, it won't show up on the ultrasound. I'm gathering that this will probably mean that nothing is broken, and that there are no major tears or anything. I'll know for sure after my appointment tomorrow.

As for my birthday, it was pretty uneventful. With a day full of conference calls, a messed up leg, and an ultrasound at 7:30pm, I pretty much expected this. It's fine. I am surprised that my ex didn't even phone or email me. Well, not surprised, not even disappointed (actually somewhat relieved), as I was sort of walking on eggshells. I didn't want some needy intrusive visit under the guise of my birthday. Thankfully, that didn't happen. Last year, he sent me flowers. Given the separation, that just made things more awkward. The flowers somehow come with too many strings. Strings as thick as chains. Thank God I don't have to deal with them anymore.

On that note, I did get a very pleasant surprise today. I got a flower delivery from two girlfriends from the office. I've known both of them for about 8 years, and they've both been here for me throughout everything- the separation, the crazy drama, the insecure moments.

I opened the door, looked at where they came from- Toronto. Near my office. That could only be from my friends. From the handwriting I immediately knew at least one of the friends who had sent them. That was really sweet. I read the card. It was really thoughtful and very inspiring. I'm actually going to save that card forever. I'm going to save that with one of the flowers. I'll press it in a book. This is a keeper for sure.

The best part was not the flowers. It was the card. The card was a reminder for me that things are ok. That I've come a long way, but most of all, that I have absolutely amazing people around me. My friends didn't even sign the card. It just had a message.

Behind you are all the accomplishments and challenges you conquered.
Before you lie the new horizons filled with endless possibilities.
Beside you are your friends for life.

Now THAT made me cry. THAT really made my day. I am so blessed to have friends like that.

Healing

I don't think it's torn. If I had a torn knee cartilage, it would be much worse than this. I woke up to really bad pain, but as the day progressed and as I sat on the couch with my laptop all day (with my leg elevated), the pain has decreased somewhat. I'm still limping, but at least I can walk now. That has to be a great sign. My guess is I sprained it or something, but that it should heal soon. Maybe days. Now I feel dumb. Watch it heal by Monday and I'll walk into the office like nothing even happened. That would be kind of funny. Don't get me wrong, it would be quite a stretch, but would be funny nonetheless. As it is right now, I can't move the leg without the tensor on it, and I can walk (or hop) if I put all my weight on the other leg. Let's just wait and see how this goes. Tomorrow, after all, is a new day.

I finally told my dad the truth last night about finalizing the divorce proceedings. I was holding off on sharing this information with him until I really had to do it, but now I kind of felt that I had to. He was over last night to pay me company, so that was nice of him. I mentioned that I was looking for an alarm system and he asked why- what changed my mind. I decided to tell him everything- the divorce proceedings, that things should be final, my ex going on and off his meds, last weekend's drama, everything. He listened solemnly and took it well. After all, he knew this was coming. I reassured him that I was happy, and that I would be fine. He smiled and said that he was fine if I was, and that I deserved much better, and that he's happy I'm moving on. I had to agree. I think he's right. I do deserve better, and to be honest, even being alone with the children if I never meet anyone again would be better than what I had, so either way, I'm better off. I think my father understands that. Now I can really move on.

As for today, I plugged away all day trying to get caught up on email. No, I'm not caught up. Not even close, but I am plugging away. I did do one thing though. In between conference calls and emails, I managed to get an ADT rep in here. He gave me and estimate, and I signed a 3 year contract. My girlfriends will be happy to know that as of next week, I will have an alarm system. No more fears, no more wondering if the ex will show up....Maybe even no more nightmares. That will be a welcomed change.

So, tomorrow I have the ultrasound on my leg. I tried calling them and asking for a different time, but they wouldn't do it. Just my luck. I was not happy about canceling dinner plans for tomorrow night. Oh well, either way. Maybe an uneventful day will be good for me. I'll be home alone in the day, and I have the ultrasound at night. Halfway through the day today I realized that my drivers license expires tomorrow. Dang. I called my dad and he agreed to get it done for me, so he went to the Ministry of Transport on my behalf. Hey- the way I see it, by the time I can go on my own, my license will be expired anyways, so somebody would have to drive me there. This was equally an inconvenience. My dad brought me back all the renewal papers. He saved me a trip to the registration office, and the frustration of an expired license. Yaay daddy! Parents are so awesome!

Clumsy Clumsy Clutz

Well, this was a great start to the day.

I was rushing out of the house to get the children to school, so that I could get to a course for work. Rushing, rushing, rushing, and as bad as it is to admit this, there was also a bit of annoyed yelling. Come on, I'm a single mom. You must have known that I have my high stress moments, especially on the occasional morning trying to get out the door. I am after all, still human.

"Come on guys- we're late. Mommy really can't be late today- Please hurry up! No more toys! Put those away, wash your hands, put on your gloves!".

Why the HECK do they always give you a hard time on the worst days? My team had a learning session today- I really NEEDED to go to make sure the content covered was appropriate and on track. I buckled my daughter into the carseat and ran back into the house for my son. I grabbed his stuff, ran out the door muttering "I'm putting this stuff in the car. When I get back you BETTER have those boots on your feet young man!". My head was turned because I was speaking behind me and as the door slammed shut, I missed a step and slipped. Fortunately, I landed on my feet. Unfortunately, my leg landed one way, and my body turned the other way. I twisted my left knee so badly I don't even think the labour pain from my first born was as excruciating as this. My son came out of the house, I limped to the car, and then realized I couldn't bend my leg. I had to use two hands to bend it to get in the car. This was not a good sign. Not good at all. Stupid high heeled shoes. Stupid snow. Stupid doorstep. Stupid course all the way in Markham. How frustrating.

By the time we got to my son's school, we were 20 minutes late. Nobody was outside, and the pain was getting worse. I couldn't unbend the leg that I bent earlier. This was really bad. So I did something VERY embarrassing- I called the school, told the secretary I was outside in my car and asked her to come and get my son. I told her I couldn't walk in, couldn't sign a late slip, couldn't get out of the car. She was nice enough about it (thank God), and came out to get him. I ended up doing the exact same thing at my daughter's school. Embarrassing, but what other choices did I have?

Well- so much for the course. I called my doctor and went over there. I ended up getting x-rays and I have an ultrasound booked for Thursday night (So much for birthday dinner on Thursday). Anyhow, I'm going back to the doctors on Friday and we might have to book an MRI for the knee. We have no idea what's wrong with the knee, but it's really swollen- 2 inches bigger than the other knee. I'm really hoping this passes, and that it's nothing major. My doctor said it could be anything from a sprain to a torn ligament to a fracture. That means either it will heal on its own, or it will require surgery. I'm voting for the heal on its own. This is a major inconvenience, and the pain is unbearable.

So - I'm supposed to pick up crutches (but I'm still debating that one), and I'm on pain killers and anti-imflammatories till Friday. I won't be in at work tomorrow, and possibly not the rest of the week. Thank God I have my office laptop with me, or this would be too insane.

Why is it that when you really need to get somewhere on time, something always screws up? This is so typical. I am the biggest clutz on the planet. One of my friends commented that I can dress as nice as I want and wear heels, but the whole world knows I'll still be clumsy. Nice. Well, hey- no more heels for me for at least a few weeks. Grannyville here I come.

The Ring

I forgot the ring. Fortunately, so did she. My daughter lost her little sparkly ring at the movie theatre yesterday. You have not seen sadness until you see the tears of a 4 year old as she cries over her long lost precious sparkly ring. What a drama queen. This kid cried for 3 hours yesterday over some silly dollar store ring that she lost at the theatre. I had promised to buy a replacement today and forgot. My girlfriend at the office even reminded me not to forget the ring today, but I still forgot it. I'm just hoping she doesn't remember tonight. That way I can buy a new one tomorrow and she won't know the difference. Geez...The things we go through as parents.

I spent about a half an hour researching alarm systems today. I didn't want to experience the fury of my friends, so I decided to follow through on this one. It's kind of scary- I mean, you never think your life will turn out this way, but somewhere along the way it does, well for some of us anyways. If you had asked me 12 years ago, I would never have believed that I would one day be shopping for an alarm system to protect my home, myself and my children from my psycho-nutcase of an ex. But here I am- the joy, the joy. And think- many people tell me that I'm one of the lucky ones. That is so true, which is totally sad.

Well, like I said, despite how insane this past weekend was, I am grateful for it. I'm actually looking forward to the divorce papers. I need this to be over. I need my space. I spoke to some of my friends last night, and one of them worked at a woman's shelter for several years. She basically told me to brace myself. She said that in situations like these, when things become totally final and irreversible (like this), that's when the psycho-ex becomes a real psycho-ex. (WHAT? You mean I haven't seen the REAL psycho side yet? That is nuts!)

She basically warned me that it will likely get much worse before it gets better. Well- that's nice. I'm REALLY looking forward to that. OK- so to all my Muslim friends- what the heck happened to "God will never give you more than you can bear"? I think I've kind of reached the "not able to bear any more" line right about now. Hopefully there won't be much more coming my way. HOPEFULLY.

I'm also looking forward to an alarm system. Maybe it really will help me sleep better at night. That would be...Peaceful. I won't feel as tired or cranky and that sounds fantastic. My co-workers will be happy. Birds will sing in my neighborhood again...Maybe even on my front lawn. People will no longer fear cranky Indian girl with the bad attitude. My voice will be chipper and sound melodious. YES- I'm kidding....Obviously the lack of sleep is getting to me. But I'm still smiling, and right about now, laughing...At myself and my crazy thoughts. That's a good thing, right?

Sunday Night

It's Sunday night, and funny enough (despite the major lack of sleep), I had a pretty good weekend. The children were with me, and despite all my major plans, some of which fell through, I had a nice time with them.

I spent Friday evening and Saturday morning with my girlfriend, her husband, and their son. The children had a blast together, which was great. On Saturday evening, I was supposed to attend a dinner party in Scarborough with the children. That's an hour away from here, but it was with friends that I really wanted to see and we were all looking forward to it. On Saturday evening, there was so much snow and freezing rain in this part of town that I didn't feel safe spending a total of 2 hours (round trip) on the road. I reluctantly cancelled my plans, but felt really crappy about it.

Despite the change in plans, my children and I had an awesome evening. We took a big blanket in front of the TV, busted out some popcorn and cuddled and watched movies. We hung out and played together. It turned out to be a lot of fun.

Today, I took the children to see 'Hoodwinked' with a girlfriend of mine. We had a nice time, and the children REALLY love this friend to the point that they refuse to call her auntie. I told them that it was disrespectful to keep calling her by her first name, but then they explained that they do it because she is "their friend" as opposed to being "my friend". Interesting perspective. I started to protest and tell them that she was my friend first (trying to prove the point that she's older than them and therefore an aunt), and then I realized that I would end up sounding more childish than my 4 year old, so I stopped. Seeing as I lost this one, they will continue to call her by her first name. My friend doesn't seem to mind so it's all fine for now.

Right now, I'm lying on my bed, typing on my computer and my party-animal daughter who refuses to sleep is lying here on my bed with her head resting on the small of my back, and she is singing cute little songs. This is nice. What a nice end to a weekend. Life can be really good sometimes.

Reminders

Every time I reach a point where I start to doubt my decisions, I get a little reminder that I shouldn't. The way I see it, either God really looks out for me, or the world is just one big sick joke. I'm going to be an optimist and assume that He looks out for me.

This time, it came to a point where my ex and I were trying to co-parent the children as "friends". I now know that friendship will never be in the cards for us. We can maintain a civil relationship at best, but that's if we're really lucky. Thinking about it now, I suppose it was a bit unreasonable to hope for a friendship, but I am where I am, and for that I am grateful.

The "incident" that I experienced this weekend with my ex was another loud and clear reminder that I'm going to have to maintain a distance here, and that I really do have to detach myself from him, from the legacy of this marriage, from the entire situation. I think I need to learn to deal with my personal life in the same manner that I do my professional one. Decisions need to be as logical and as objective as possible. Moving forward, this relationship with my ex will have to be approached like a business transaction.

A long late night conversation with my good friend last night left me wondering why for 12 years, why in this marriage I have been unable to look at things from an objective perspective. Why have I been unable to step back and give myself the same advice that I would give to a friend in the same situation?

My girlfriend and I chatted about some of the extra "precautions" I need to take- an alarm system for my home was one example. I think I've wanted to trust things so badly that I haven't considered the reality of my situation. But she's right. I need to protect my home, my children, my sanity. When you are sitting up in your bed at 3am afraid to fall asleep because you don't know if your not-so-stable ex may decide to come and break into your home or something, you know there is an issue. When you end up with two hours of sleep because every sound you hear at night sounds like 'someone' loitering in your backyard, you know you can't keep going with the situation as is.

Something has to change, and I owe my girlfriend a hell of a lot for pointing that out to me. Somehow, somewhere along the way, the dysfunctional events in my life were permitted to repeat themselves so often, that I have become a bit de-sensitized to them. I no longer see their seriousness when they occur. Now that's really frightening.

Even when my girlfriend made the suggestion around the alarm system, I tried using the excuse that an alarm system would hit me for another $40 or so a month and that the expense would be too much to handle. She sarcastically said "Oh please. Your waxing budget is more than that. You're better off going with hairy legs and having an alarm system in your house. Get your priorities straight".

She's got a point. I need to do this. I am, after all, dealing with an ex who is not exactly the most stable person in town, and this weekend's drama was a stressful, but well needed reminder of that. My friend is right. I'm going to have to get an alarm system. But I won't cut the waxing budget...I'll have to find something else. (What- like you REALLY thought I would do that? Please!)

The difference between my reaction this weekend and my reaction in the past is that I'm a bit calmer now. I was able to maintain composure this time through, mainly because I can see an end in sight. The divorce should be totally final by summer. And while this weekend was stressful, and did impact me in some ways (such as not getting any sleep), I do feel well enough, and I will make it through the upcoming work week in good spirits. A bit sleep deprived perhaps, but still in good spirits.

I'm hoping that when the summer comes, and things are final, that I will be able to breathe a bit easier. That I won't have to look over my shoulder quite as much, that I won't have as many stressful weekends, and won't be counting down the weekend hours, anxiously waiting for Mondays to come. And hey- if nothing else, I'll have a nice new alarm system to help me sleep better at nights. NEVER underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.

Home Again

I got home last night from the event that I went to. It was fun. I had a nice time. At first, I felt a bit awkward going to a party with my colleagues all dressed up like that (I barely dress up for an Indian wedding where all the women cluck cluck cluck about each other like hens), so a bit out of character for me. But I had a nice time. I got back to my room around 2am and went to sleep around 4am. My blackberry rang at 8 and woke me up (idiot for not turning it off), so I had little sleep at the hotel.

The spa thing was nice. You never realize how tired you are until you lie down on the massage table. I fell asleep during the massage, which makes it feel kind of like a waste, but hey- I had fun at the spa, and that's what counts. Seeing my little darlings when I came home was awesome, and I let them sleep in my bed last night (ok- they sly talked me into it). But it's a king size bed, so there was lots of room. I think the relaxing thing took over because I slept 9 hours last night. I don't think I've had that much sleep in one night since my son was born. It was awesome.

Now I'm just trying my best to catch up on all the work emails. I've been trying to work through them, but there are a lot so it will take some time.

I think the break away was good for me...Even if it was short. It gave me a little breather, and I feel better. I think the past few weeks since my ex told me about the divorce papers were a bit rough, but I'm feeling better now. I'm ok with my place in the world- ok with being almost 34, ok with the single parent thing, ok with never meeting another person again (if that's what the future holds relationship wise). I think I'm actually really ok with all this.

Part of it was running into colleagues that I never get to chat with. I saw a lot of people that I've known for some time, but never get to catch up with. I had the time to have one on one conversations with some of them. They asked how I was, how the kids were, how my husband was, so I kind of felt compelled to fess up about the whole husband deal. I'm going to qualify this by saying- no, I did not sob on people's shoulders- they were a few-minute conversations each where I only divulged info when specifically asked how my 'husband' was doing. Telling a sob story at an office event like this would just be wrong.

From the 2 people I briefly fessed up to (after being asked how my 'husband' was), I did end up feeling like I was doing alright- I think they pointed it out to me. The reaction was "WHAT? You went through a separation and still look like that? You look pretty happy. What the heck? And how did you do so well at work while going through that much??"

The truth is, I don't know how I did so well, I don't know how I managed, but I think I've been too hard on myself. It was nice to be reminded of how lucky I am, and how much I should be thankful for.

And all that from an office party- who would have thought?

The Office Party

I have an office event to attend on Feb 1. I think I mentioned an award/recognition thing at work. They actually have a "gala" for this thing. There's a bunch of people receiving the same recognition, and it sounds like a fun event. I like to attend parties, and I know quite a few of my colleagues who will be attending. It's also nice to get a day or two off work. My ex has agreed to watch the kids for Wednesday night and to take them to school on Thursday morning, so I will actually get to stay over at the hotel.

The stay at the hotel will be nice I'm sure, as will the next day. We get two days off work for this thing, so I decided to take myself up on my previous offer and book myself a half spa day. Really- what's another hundred bucks or so? My benefits will cover the massage portion, so the remaining $130 will just have to get absorbed somewhere. I've booked a massage, facial, manicure and pedicure. Now that will be fun. That will be the best part. THAT is what I'm REALLY looking forward to.

In the middle of all the craziness lately, I've taken very little time to just relax and slow down. A spa day at the hotel sounds really great. It's my little treat to myself. This feels like more of a treat because it will be in the middle of the day during the work week. It feels delicious to know that I will be at the spa getting my massage when I could be at work plugging away- tough choice there.

Getting Older

I am usually a birthday person. I love birthdays. My birthday, my children's birthdays, my friends' birthdays.

I'm one week shy of my 34th Birthday. I've had friends calling to make dinner plans and lunch plans and the whole deal. Each and every one asks how old I will be.

I almost forgot my upcoming birthday. Life has been a little busy. Stopping to think about it has not been fun. I of all people should not worry about how things look from the outside. I of all people know all too well how much damage that can do. Living in a marriage where I worked so hard to maintain appearances, I should be able to look at something a bit more objectively, and not care what others see when they look in.

Still, I feel a bit under the microscope. "What? 34? Damn- you're OLD!"....Yes, I know, they are jokes. I make them too. But please- not this year. You might as well say oh look, mid thirties, almost divorced, and two young kids. Life might as well be over. It just sounds so....Dismal.

I think this year, I'm going to avoid the age thing. I think I'm going to avoid the questions altogether. Maybe I should boycott birthdays. Well, that would be sadder. I actually had one person say- "hey- don't you get flowers delivered to you every year on your birthday"? Yes you nut. From my then husband, now soon-to-be-ex. But thanks for the reminder. Thanks for reminding me that the flower delivery that I had every year since I was 14 won't come this year. I am, after all, almost 34, almost divorced, with two young children (baggage, as one person oh-so-tactfully pointed out). I prefer to see my children as assets, but hey- whatever works for you.

To hell with this. I'm going to deliver my own flowers. :-)

I am, of course, just joking. This is not really about flowers. They do, after all, just die at the end of the day. I think this is more about fear. Fear of what's next, fear of making mistakes, fear around facing yet another year. It has already been almost two years, and to be honest, I just feel very very tired. Like I need a break from life for awhile. This much constant change and turmoil is exhausting, especially when you are trying to hold all other areas of your life together, like your career or parenting, just to name a couple.

I hate milestones. They just remind us of too much.

This year, I'm going to buy myself a spa day. Maybe a good facial will peel a year off. OK- I'm being sarcastic, but really- I think I'm going to do what my friend suggested. I think I'm going to try to celebrate my accomplishments this year, and treat myself to something.

My good friend Graham pointed out that I need to reposition everything in my head. Instead of focusing on the fact that everything is coming to an end, I should focus on the fact that after 12 years, I finally managed to make the right decisions for me. He says that's a sign of me maturing to a point where I can do a great job taking care of myself. He constantly points out that the decisions of a 21 year old are radically different from the decisions of a 33 year old, and so I should be proud of the fact that I was able to make the decisions I made, and stop focusing on the fact that I didn't make them sooner.

I think Graham is right. Despite all the fear, anxiety and uncertainty, there is a lot to focus on, and a lot to be grateful for. On that note, I think I will book a half spa day, despite the ongoing financial pressures of being a single parent household. I deserve it. Cheers to ME.

Too Sensitive?

This weekend, specifically on Friday, I realized that I have a tendency to be very sensitive (and yes, over-analytical too). I think I've always known it, but I haven't really sat down to give it a great deal of thought. I don't know if I've always been this way, or if the recent events in my life have made me this way.

I find I'm second guessing myself these days. I find that when people say something to me as a joke, I wonder if they were really joking or if there was a little hint of truth in what they were saying. I find that some people have more influence on me than others.

I'm not sure what someone should do in this case. I spoke to a friend, and she said one idea is to protect yourself from what people are saying- stick only to those friendships that make you feel completely "safe". I'm not sure if this is good advice. If I were to take this approach, it would mean that the people I currently trust are the only ones that I will ever be able to trust, because I would never let my guard down enough or feel safe enough to let another person in.

Over the course of this year, a handful of co-workers were among the people who provided me with a great deal of support. Co-workers are not exactly what you would call "safe" territory- but these ones have been really supportive, especially in helping me move on and get back on track. They've encouraged me and been patient as I've worked at regaining my independence. If I hadn't taken that leap of faith and trusted them (a first for me, as I'm usually careful with colleagues), I may not have been in this space today. Part of the reason why I've been able to hold it together at work is because I've had such strong support. Work did not have to be a facade, and that has made this process much easier.

I do, however, think that when you depend on people like this, they have a great deal of influence on how you think and what you feel, and on what you believe about yourself. I'm not sure that building a brick wall around yourself is the best solution- that would only lead to isolation. So how do you protect yourself?

My approach in the past has always been the brick wall approach. But since my separation, I've decided to become more "real"- to allow myself to be human which means admitting to people when life isn't perfect. I'm not talking about complaining to people, but I'm tired of pretending that everything is perfect when it is not. Part of opening up means that you're more vulnerable. Vulnerable to criticism, vulnerable to judgment, vulnerable to blame, vulnerable to being hurt. At the end of the day, it's such a delicate balance.

With the reality of the upcoming divorce, one of the things that I've noticed is this constant self questioning. It was always there to some degree, but I find more than ever, as things wind down- I keep asking myself "how do you know if those around you that you love/care for really care back?" and what does caring back really mean?

Having been through an abusive marriage to someone whose personality changed from one minute to next, I find it difficult to really grasp hold of what's real and what's not. I mean- this was a man who I really loved. Given- it's a bit bizarre to love someone who can hurt you in such a way, but for whatever reason, I did. To come to the realization that you couldn't really have ever been loved back, well, that's a hard one to swallow. It makes you wonder what's wrong with you- why you weren't worthy of being loved by someone that you cared so much about, and how someone that you cared about could be capable of hurting you physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

But the sad part is- it makes you wonder who around you really cares, and when the next cruel reality check will kick in and your bubble will burst once again...Who will be the next person to give you the reality check, and when will it happen again? Will it be a friend? A co-worker? A family member?

I find that it hits me really hard at times. I can be having a good time with someone and they will make a comment that makes me wonder 'does that mean that I bother or irritate them? Am I being a burden on them? Maybe I care about these people and they only pretend to care back'...It's really bizarre. A bit like the political correctness thing I mentioned last night. How do you know who is real, and who is not? I know that most people would say- think with your heart, go with your gut instinct. But what if your gut instinct was wrong for 12 years? Would you really trust it again?

I'm reading this and I can almost hear a bit of paranoia. I'm not paranoid. But I am a bit sensitive, and it will be hard to earn my complete trust from here on. I've been through enough that I do know that we as people need to take care of ourselves...We can't expect others to do it for us. That means physically, emotionally, and mentally. If you're not going to build a wall around yourself, then you are open to being hurt. That's just how life is. So while I know I'm open, I feel like I'm watching my back- its like you have a brick wall with this little opening, but you constantly need to guard it to make sure you really know who you're letting in. And as for the rest of the world, well- they are just not welcome in. It's a bit of a protected environment for now.

I'm not pessimistic. I'm hoping this will fade. As things finalize, I'm hoping that this will get better, and that one day I will look back and remember the time that I went through the separation and divorce, and yes, through the uncertainty, but that I will have made it through to see a happier space. I don't imagine that I'm the only one going through a divorce who feels this way. It must be pretty standard. It's just that sometimes, we all forget that we are human. Sometimes the people around you forget that every day is difficult enough when you are going through this much change, that getting to the end of each day is really a minor miracle in itself.

Don't get me wrong- I know this will all be worth it in the end. I just also know that I sometimes need to understand that this is all part of the process I need to go through. I went through the anger, the stress, the tears, and now I've reached the uncertainty, and yes, a bit of self doubt too. I'm hoping the next phase in my life will be independence, confidence, and of course, happiness.

Political Correctness

I had a nice day today. A friend from the office came over and we hung out, went for dinner, rented a movie etc. After the movie, we were chatting about Canada, the Conservatives, and then the overall direction that this country may or may not take. Somewhere along the way, we ended up on the topic of political correctness.

I hate political correctness. I think Canadians focus too much on being politically correct, and too little on really accepting one another. Political correctness translates into "say the things that make you look good, or won't get you in trouble, even though you may not really buy into them". It's about walking on eggshells so you can end up looking like a nice person, or so people don't think you're a racist, sexist or homophobe.

I personally find this whole charade rather tiring. I mean honestly- aren't we almost better off knowing what people really think? If you hate Indo-Paks or Muslims and think the world should do away with all of them, I'd rather know about it than waste my time socializing with you. At the end of the day, political correctness does more harm than good.

I grew up with every culture in the book. Toronto is a very diverse city, but still, I've learned from a young age what it feels like to be wrongly judged or mistreated. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do that to others, and if I do, it's certainly not intentional. But you know, I am guilty of occasionally stereotyping, to some degree, and that includes doing it to Indo-Paks, and yes, Muslims, and yes, other cultures too. I think we're all guilty of some generalities here and there, but pretending that we never do it is just plain stupid.

At the end of the day the generalities can be harmful, and I'll be the first to admit it, and not all of them are negative. I cannot tell you the number of times I heard my brother during his Computer Science program jokingly laugh and say- "Man- No matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be as geeko smart as the Chinese guys in my class. Those guys are geniuses". OK- So a positive comment, but still a sweeping generality. But in the grande scheme of things- who cares? Let's not waste our time on the little things and let's move on to more important matters.

The number of times I've been stopped dead in a sentence for no apparent reason but someone's personal mission to be the political correctness police is overwhelming. I remember one time where I was recounting a story about a friend of mine- I started off with "my friend from Jamaica" and was stopped dead in my tracks. I was asked if there was a reason that I mentioned where she was from. Not really. Not sure. Just mentioned it. Maybe it wasn't relevant to the story at all. Kind of like saying "my friend from Oakville"...I don't know why I said it. Her point was that I was noticing my friend's culture/race above anything else, like it was important or something. OK- This is completely stupid. Even if I am doing that, who cares? Did you not hear the part where I mentioned that the girl was my FRIEND???? So what, now I have issues with her because she's black, oops, African American, oops maybe I should call her Jamaican American or whatever. I mean- how stupid can we be?

I think we waste too much of our time trying to "look" right and spend too little of our time really focusing on the great diversity all of us bring to the table. I personally can't stand being corrected all the time, and don't see the point. I think we need to start looking at the intentions behind what's being said, rather than the words being used. I think if we had the opportunity to relax a bit more, we'd enjoy eachother's company, enjoy the diversity, and not feel so stressed out as a culture. Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying that we should all become rednecks or something, but I am saying that we need to cut the crap and just be more sincere. If you don't like someone or something- just don't act like you too. It's too confusing, and it doesn't help anyone.

Here's what else happens with political correctness. And this is the scary part. When I was in my undergrad years, I worked for a Bank as a teller. This Bank did a lot to support Aboriginal people, and made a point to give Native Canadians opportunity for employment. It got to a point where there were unofficial quotas placed on branches to have at least one either disabled person or Aboriginal person in each branch. We had an Aboriginal person working in our branch. She was a brilliant girl, but you know what happened? She was "shared" as a floating resource between 3 branches, and was never given a full time job in one particular Branch. Now did this help the spirit of the quota? Talk about exploitation. That's what I mean. These things never work, they just create stupidity and more resentment.

I love Canadians. I love Torontonians. I think if we took a cross section of people here in this city, we would find that most of us might 'slip' and say things that sound politically incorrect at times, but really, we don't mean them in that way. I think for the most part, Torontonians are pretty accepting of one another. There is a fair share of people who are not accepting, but I think that can be expected in any city. I think that forced political correctness just makes the whole deal that much more complicated for all of us. At the end of the day, you can silence people, but you can't change who they are, or how they really feel. And that's the bigger problem. All we've done is make it invisible to everyone which boss is a racist or sexist. So at the end of the day, you may work for what you think is an awesome person, but you'll never get ahead because well you're Chinese, or Japanese, or Hindu, or Muslim. I don't think this helps any of us. The neighbour who smiles and asks all sorts of questions about your culture, pretending that he's really interested in learning more may be going into their house and thinking- 'stupid Pakis- send them back home on their boats'.

I don't know about you, but personally- I'd rather know what these people are really thinking than not. And it's not about the words they use- it's about what they mean. Under the guise of political correctness...These days, it's just too hard to know. We are so quick to say- "Oh look- she referred to someone by their colour- that racist", that we have created a world where the real racists and sexists or whatever else get to hide undercover. Not the best environment- wouldn't you agree?

Preparing to Move on

I haven't made an entry in almost a week. I think I needed the space to think. Two weekends ago, the same weekend when my ex told me that he had started the divorce process, I was a mess. The weekend was a really difficult one for me. But then, to top things off, I had this very weird conversation with my ex on the Sunday night, just two days later.

He asked me if this is what I wanted. He asked me if I really wanted the divorce. He explained that if I wanted to change my mind, I could, and he could call off the divorce papers. This really bothered me. I had spent the entire weekend crying to the point where I couldn't keep my eyes open, they were burning so badly, and just 48 hours later, he came back to see if his little game had worked. This was too much for me.

It reminded me of all the times in our marriage he had manipulated me. It reminded me of all the nights I cried wishing I could get away, and made me realize that now I had. It reminded me of how naive I can often be, taking everything at face value, when often, some people just play games with me. I can be such a sucker at times. I play this tough girl act at work, but really, sometimes I think I have no backbone. As independent and strong headed I can be at work, I feel like a complete jellyfish in my personal life. And that is why I keep getting walked over. That is why I allowed myself to be in a mess of a marriage for much too long. That is why I didn't have the guts to leave until he almost choked my child. That is why I have no confidence in myself when it comes to things like how I look, or how I am as a person. I know full well who I am as an employee, as a friend, as a mother, as a daughter. I just sometimes don't know it all with confidence.

We talked for 3 hours that night. We both cried, we talked, and cried some more... but in this conversation, I noticed a change. Underneath everything, I could see it coming. I could hear my voice. All I heard was "for the love of GOD, make sure he files the papers, or you'll never be free". I ended that conversation telling him that I did love him, and that part of me always will, but that he's done some very vicious things to me, and that I haven't forgiven him, and that while I hope I will, I don't believe I can ever trust again. Trust is the basis for marriage, and so, without trust, there is nothing left here. I ended that call by saying "no, please don't put the paperwork on hold. File the papers. I'll pay half". And then I said good-night.

I'm still feeling a little sad, but I know where it's coming from. The end of my first love- the relationship with my high school sweetheart who I met at the tender age of 14. The end of my bond with the father of my children. The end of my innocence.

No matter where I go from here, life will be different. Unfortunately, in some ways, this entire experience has jarred me. In other ways, it's made me wiser. I don't know if I'll ever trust again, but I'm hoping that I will. I do know this; ALL relationships (friendships or other) from this point on will be somewhat cautious. That's the only way I can protect myself. No more blind faith in people. No more being naive. It's true- we should all trust in God. But we should also all use our logic, good judgment, and take all necessary precautions first. Then leave the rest to Him. No more blind faith. Not in anything.

So here I am. I'm feeling better. I think I'm content with being alone. I don't feel all hell bent on meeting anyone else right now. Whatever life brings me should be just fine. But at least whatever I have will be on my own terms.

No more waking up to a different personality in the morning. No more long hours at work to avoid coming home. No more fears around his spending or how he is with the kids. No more bruises or black eyes, and now, with the upcoming divorce, no more waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The Needle

My daughter is hilarious. She had a physical checkup today, after which she was not so happy to learn that she had to get some routine "tests" done.

We got to the blood lab and the people in the waiting room were very amused at my little 4 year old daughter's reaction. I told her that she would have to pee in the little bottle and she laughed hysterically. "why would we do something like that?" I explained that it was so we could test the urine. After the washroom experience, when we got back to the waiting room, she asked:

"can we always pee in bottles from now on?"
"no"
"why not?"
"because- we just don't - that's what toilets are for"
"but why do we get to today?"
"because the doctor asked us to"
"but you're the mommy- aren't your rules more important?"
"ok- no more talking. Mommy's tired".

I don't know- how do you explain bloodwork? I tried telling her we needed to make sure it was ok- that there was nothing bad in her urine, and she said "but isn't it dirty anyways? I thought it was all bad". Man- Some days I get so tired. Never argue with a four year old. They are just too smart for their own good.

So then we got to the actual bloodwork. Naturally, she started screaming before she even got the needle, and she's been crying ever since. She's upset that I held her down for the bloodwork. I think she's feeling betrayed. When I finally explained that the bloodwork was to make sure that she has enough vitamins in her body, and that if she doesn't, I'll let her double dose on the Flintstone Vitamins, she seemed ok. Then this evening she started up again.

I just dealt with 20 minutes of crying. When she finally calmed down, I asked what the big deal was. I mean, the needle was eons ago. Why the crying spells?

"mommy- you let them hurt me"
"honey- I had to do that- I needed to make sure you're all healthy"
"you helped them break me"
"break you?"
"what do we do with ripped shirts? We throw them out. Now my body has a hole in it. I'm broken. I have a hole in my body, and you helped them do it. I'm broken and have a hole in my body and it will never go away. WAAAAAAH"

OH Good GOD. I need tylenol. Some days this is just too much. And I signed up for single parenting? What the heck was I smoking when I made that decision?

The Vote

I went last Monday to do the early vote thing. My family is so comical, I can't help but laugh at this story. My mom and dad got my voting card at their address because I lived with them for a year. On Monday, we decided to do the early voting thing, because my work schedule is so weird, that there is a strong chance that something or another will come up the day of the vote, and I won't make it out.

My dad is a keener. He loves this country and is probably the proudest Canadian I know. He loves being Canadian. We have this long standing banter where I say that I'm more Canadian than he is because I was born here, and he says I'm less Canadian because he lives here by choice...He moved here by choice, and I was born here by no choice of my own. I'm Canadian by accident and he's Canadian on purpose. When I protest that, he shuts me up by reminding me that if nothing else, he's been here longer than I have. He is so funny.

All that aside, my dad is a staunch Liberal. He has voted Liberal all his life. On Monday evening, he reminded me to come out and vote. To save time, he took the voting cards to the voting place and waited there for me. When I got there, he handed me my card and said "Make sure you vote Liberal. It's the first box on the list". OK- Firstly, I'm old enough to know who to vote for, and secondly, I think I can find the Liberal box...Thanks. The embarrassing thing is that others overheard my dad telling his 33 year old daughter how to vote. Just for that I said "No dad, I'm voting conservative". Man- that was a mistake. He started protesting, despite the nearby people. "WHAT?! Conservative- you can't. They will SELL this country to BUSH". That was hilarious. People were chuckling. "Dad- nobody can really SELL the country". Nope, he protested. The conservatives might as well. We'll all be drafted for war in some country if they win.

After I voted I came out and my dad reminded me- "you ticked the first box, right?". I thought this was comical so I responded with a "OH NO! Daddy- I thought you said NDP". OK this freaked him out. "What?! That's a waste of a vote- they have no chance! You might as well have voted conservative!"

SO funny. Add an Indian tone and extra animation and you can just visualize it. Then my dad started on his whole "I love Pierre Trudeau" speech. OH GOD. Here we go again. Dad- the guy is dead, and so are his ideals. Move on.

Parents are hilarious. I do admire his enthusiasm and sense of responsibility. I don't admire the personal humiliation of feeling like I'm 12 years old :-) Hmmm- I wonder what he would have said if I had voted for the Green Party or something?

Single Parenting

I had a really really rough day today. I think it was just everything- the children, work (insane day at the office) and just the realization of the upcoming divorce. Today was a day where the difficulty of raising two kids had me on edge and almost in panic mode. Maybe everything is just piling up emotionally. I just found myself in a space where I felt that wow- I'm going to be raising these children pretty much on my own, and it scared me. I think deep down, I'm not convinced that I'm a good enough parent to take on the task of single parenting. That would be better handled by the ultra patient parent who never loses their cool. I am not that parent, and today has been a weird day for me.

The weird day started when I got up. I know the women can relate but I had one of those change your outfit 5 times mornings, re-do your hair, change shoes, but still feel like you look horrid. It was one of those rare NO confidence moments where you look in the mirror and all you see is the transparency of the stress and pressure piling up. I went into work feeling like the world would take one look at me and say- wow- she looks horrible, and she's incompetent...An incompetent mother, colleague, person. I don't know what's wrong with me today.

I had a rough time with the morning routine with the kids...Couldn't seem to get anything right. I rushed to catch the bus and missed the last one out. It seems I was reading off an old schedule. I had to drive into work. I got to work only to deal with fires that needed to be put out. Nice. I got a call from my son's school - real nice...And really adding to the incompetent parent complex.

I think this is my nervous side kicking in. I'm going to bed tonight feeling like I will NEVER be able to do this on my own. Feeling like I can NEVER handle single parenting, managing a career, a household, etc. I almost feel like giving up, and going to my ex and saying "you win, I lose- I can't do this without help, and since you're the only likely candidate, well, I'm stuck in this relationship for life. There is no out". But that won't work either. There wasn't much happiness there for me, and I was dying to get out.

I wonder if I'm the only one in the world who has days like this...Days where you feel you will never succeed, no matter how hard you work, how hard you try, or how good a person you are. Am I alone here?

Little Angels

My daughter gets her way again. There's something about her sleep patterns that I just don't understand. Well, that's a lie. I actually contributed to the problem. Being a second child, when she came home from the hospital, my ex and I let her sleep between us. That was a big mistake. Since then, she's never been able to sleep on her own. When my ex and I separated, and I moved in with my family for a year, she slept with me. Naturally, when I moved into this home in July, as delighted as she was with her princess room, she just can't sleep unless I'm with her. It's 10:30. I was trying to put her to sleep in her room so I could get some office work done. She kept rubbing her little eyes trying to stay awake because she knew that sooner or later I would get up and leave. At 10:15 she yawned and said..."Mommy- I'm waiting for you to go back to your room so I can come with you. When will that be?". OH GOOD GOD. The kid is waiting me out! Foiled!

I knew I had to get some stuff done so I caved. "Alright...Fine...Come with me". She beamed, walked with me to my room, got into the bed and fell right to sleep. Like, immediately. I was lying with her in her room wasting an hour and a half and she out-waited me. I suck at this game.

Well...Back to work. I have this little angel sleeping snuggled up next to me as I'm typing. I almost want to pick her up and put her in her bed. Almost. But that's my competitive side. (What- like you thought I'd enjoy being outwit by a 4 yr old???).

My maternal side won't let me do it. Something about the warmth, of hearing her little breaths, or maybe it's those long lashes. Nope. Can't do it. Lucky nobody in the office knows I'm this soft. I lose. She wins.

Some Good Friends

Well, the weekend is almost over....I'll soon be able to throw myself into work and get my mind off the upcoming divorce papers. Except...My son seems to be getting the start of a cold, so if that doesn't get better, I may not go in tomorrow.

This weekend has felt a bit like I've been hit by a Mac Truck. I'm exhausted from all the emotion. My eyes are swollen and puffy, and I've barely slept. But as usual my friends have been awesome, and hey, I'm still standing.

One girlfriend came over on Friday night to drop off some ice cream. She didn't know what was up, and to be honest, I didn't really want her over...I kind of wanted to sit alone and just...I don't know...Sulk. She came in, took one look and me and stayed till around midnight. I'm so glad that she did. It made me realize that I wasn't crazy for feeling this way, and reassured me that no matter what, I would be fine.

Then there was my sister, who on Saturday gave me my practical dose of reality. Why on earth would you shed a single tear when you've spent the past 12 years covering bruises with makeup. Yes it sucks that the marriage ended, and that you have children who will inevitably have a rough time...But what options do you have...Wait until he tries to choke them again? True. Harsh, but true. I needed that.

Then there was today. I tried to spend the day alone, but my mom insisted that I be at her house for dinner. Apparently my sister told her what had happened. Family is awesome....They won't let you wallow in self pity. Not even for a second.

I also spoke to my girlfriend who is also separated. She basically told me to hold to my faith...To trust that God will take care of me, and that something good will come in the future. I know it will...She's right. She's also right that I should make sure we both handle this with integrity and kindness. Don't part on bad terms. Be kind to one another. You have children that you will be parenting together forever. That's an important shared responsibility.

Then there was my Friday night ice-cream friend's husband (also my friend) who reassured me that it's normal to feel like this, that I'm not made of stone, and that no matter how hard the marriage became in the end, it was still a 12 year marriage and a 20 year relationship...You can't just forget that or sign it away without feeling something. He's right, I can't. That just wouldn't be me.

Still, I'm hoping the next few weeks will go by fast. They're going to be really difficult. If nothing else, at least I'll have closure.

Primary Relationships

Primary relationships are a funny thing. I've just realized that there are only ever a few primary relationships in our lives. You have a primary relationship with your spouse and children, but the relationship with children is unconditional and the one with a spouse is not.

If a spouse cheats on you, hits you, hurts you etc, then you walk, and that relationship ends. It's conditional. With your children, the relationship is unconditional. Look in history at some of the worst people in the world. They can do the most horrible things, but their parents will still love them. They may not see them, they may keep their distance, but the nature of a parent-child relationship is very different from a spousal one.

I now have one primary relationship left in this world. It's with my children. Everything I do from this point on will be for them, or for myself, which indirectly is also for them. A happy mother is a better mother. A miserable one is one a child would want to avoid.

I should be getting the divorce papers in about two more weeks. The lawyers are drafting them up right now. I thought that I would get my mind off the emotional stuff and clean out my bedroom closet. When the divorce is final, I'm re-doing my bedroom- buying a new bedroom set, new bedding, drapes, and I'm going to create a special space for myself.

While cleaning my closet, I found a box with letters. All the letters. Letters to my ex dated back to when I was fourteen, when I first met him. That was a lifetime ago. I opened one and read it. All I could think was 'you stupid stupid young thing. You had no clue what you were in for'. I put the letter back in the envelope, put the envelope back in the box and put it away. I didn't want to read the rest of them. I wanted to throw the box out, to purge everything, but I decided not to. It's not something I should do when I'm this upset, but maybe I'll do it in a couple of months.

I had a good dose of my sister yesterday. She's very matter of fact about things. She's also biased, because she despises my ex. She just told me that nothing has changed over the past 2 years with my ex. That I'm free of 12 years of hell, and that I no longer have to wake up wondering what mood he will be in for the day. It's all over, and as hard as it is to let go of some of the good stuff, it should be easy to close the chapter on the bad stuff.

She's right. I shouldn't be shocked that he's filing. I told him to file, and told him there was no hope of reconciling. After all, how much can a guy take? Everyone has their breaking point, and everyone has their pride.

My children will be home in 3 hours. I'm dying to see them. I just want to hold them tight and sit under a big blanket and watch children's movies. Tonight, I think I need to be a child with them. I need to forget how hellish this weekend has been, and just enjoy their company. Tomorrow I get to go back to work...And I'll be able to get my mind off things.

The End is Near

I'm having a brutal day. I never thought this would happen to me. I thought I'd handle everything better than I am. I never thought I'd spend a weekend being this emotional and upset over something that I knew would end up happening.

For the past few weeks my ex and I have been talking about finalizing things. We've been talking about filing the divorce papers. A few months ago, I asked him if we could file, and he wanted more time. He wasn't ready to file yet, wanted us to give it more time, see if things would change. So we agreed to let it wait. Last week, we talked about it again and agreed to wait three more months. I protested and said that there was no point...What would three months resolve...But he insisted and I agreed. Then out of the blue, last night, he told me that he'd seen his lawyer and started the final divorce process. I was shocked. I didn't expect it, but more so, I didn't expect my reaction.

I'm not sure what it is that threw me off. My sister says she fully expected me to be this emotional whenever we decided to finalize things. I just didn't think I would be. There are a few reasons. I always thought I would be the one to file the papers. I didn't expect it to come from him. I was also getting somewhat comfortable with this interim state. Being separated but not quite divorced. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's that we've been relatively decent to eachother in this state. Maybe it's that I haven't had to hear the crap from our community because things haven't finalized. Or maybe I was just waiting because it was nice to have a backup plan (yes I know how horrible that sounds).

I know I'm the one who has been pushing for the divorce. I'm the one who left. I just thought I would be the one to file. I didn't expect to be handed divorce papers. I didn't expect he would give up. I think I almost feel that he didn't have the right to, given the fact that he caused most of the issues. I'm reading this, and I know it's completely selfish and irrational, but that's just what it is.

The other thing that gets me is that everything is about to be completely final. I hate final irreversible decisions. On a personal front, I'm a very indecisive person. This sucks. I also never wanted to be another divorce statistic. I never fail at anything. I never thought I'd fail at marriage.

This weekend has been crappy. It's made me reflect about all the good times, and the bad times. I feel sad for the children, I feel like they are about to be ripped off. I feel sad that I wasted 12 years of my life. I feel shocked that I never let myself feel anything on this front before. It's been a completely unemotional process. Matter of fact.

It's not that I think this marriage had a chance. It didn't. We tried too many times to make it work. It had become unbearable for me in the end. It's not that I want to stay married to my ex. I don't. It's just that the whole thing just really hit me at once, and I didn't expect all the emotion. I didn't see this coming. It's just all such a big waste.

There's also the uncertainty. That's a big problem. Not knowing what the future will hold. Now that's really scary.

I truly believe you only get one real chance at happiness. One. I failed at marriage, so that ship has sailed. Now it's about finding contentment. I think my goal is to be content from here on, and for making sure the children get a chance at happiness. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but this is what I feel right now.

I can't wait until Monday. I love the office. It's an awesome retreat from my other reality. 36 hours to go till I go back in to work.

New Car

So I picked up my new car last week. I actually liked it. It's the newly redesigned 2006 Civic. Cheap, good on gas, reliable. Good move. It's actually quite sleek. It's funny- they gave it the Acura body so it looks much better than the older models. When I went to WalMart to pick up some stuff, the Walmart guy was like THAT'S a CIVIC? Damn- girl- that thing is nice!

I know...I was ok with it. A bit of a step down from the Pathfinder I used to drive, but still, I was enjoying it.

Then last night it started to screech. Like loud. Like my kids are covering their ears loud. So I spent 2 hrs this morning at Honda. Not exactly what you want to do one week after dumping your money in a new car. Not a good experience at all. Especially considering I haven't even made my first payment of five years of upcoming payments. I felt like crap.

So I drive in all panicked and the Honda dude asks what the Odometer reading is. I tell him that it's 561. He laughs and says "oh sweetheart, I said O-dometer, not trip-ometer".

OK- Can I tell you how much this ticked me off? What- cuz I'm a woman- you assume I'm too idiotic to know the difference between the Odometer and the tripometer? Idiot. So I reply with my best smile ever "oh honey- actually- that IS the Odometer- would you like to double check?? I actually DO know the difference". I was about to tell him that I wasn't his sweetheart, but forget it. ARG ARG ARG.

So two hours later he tells me its the new brake pads. Squeaking. Now, I've been driving since I was 16, and I may not be a mechanic, but I do know that it's not normal for a new car to do that. So I told him that. He told me to give it another 1000 km to break it in. He said I was probably "too gentle on the brakes". OK- Am I gentle when I'm driving 160 on the hwy? What the heck does that mean anyways? Whatever. I give him my shpeel about how this really sours the whole new car experience, and that I will be back in exactly 1001 km.

But I'm still not satisfied. So I call the sales guy. He's much better. He tells me he's heard of that cuz Honda just re-engineered the brakes and brake pads. OK- so what if it doesn't go away? He tells me "don't worry- we will take care of you. I promise. This is a Honda- we will take care of you". I trust him, I leave. But I'm not sure.

I'm not trying to be cynical, but would it be different if I were a man? I mean, I bought a new car, precisely so I could avoid the mechanic thing....This is not fun.

The Night Before Eid...

Man I'm tired. It's the night before Eid, well sort of. That depends on which group of Muslims you agree with. Some celebrated Eid today, and the others will celebrate tomorrow. And here we are: Divided we stand. I'm so tired of this, I can't even bother giving the shpeel yet again. To make a long story short, this time, I let my parents pick the day they wanted to celebrate, and I took one day off work. I was not prepared to do the 2 day vacation yet again, especially not after 2 weeks off work. My parents follow the Indo-Pak community, so for them, tomorrow is Eid. Herdish little community, don't you think?

I'm supposed to be wrapping the children's presents right now, but they are in the basement (the presents, not the children), in the furnace room, and well, I'm too tired to go down there, and its spooky in the basement. Yes, I'm afraid of the dark...And of creepy places. So I'll go in the morning. I've set the alarm for 5. I have to wrap presents, iron clothes, get everyone showered and dressed and to my parent's place by 8:30am so we can make it to prayer by 9. Here's the funny thing- since tomorrow is the Indo Pak community celebrating, I know full well that there will be 2 prayers. One at 9 and then one at 10, because- well, Indo/Pak standard time means everyone will be late. So my family will rush to catch the 9am prayer, and we'll make it just in time for the 10am prayer. Then we will come home, eat my mom's special lunch, open presents, and then off to visit aunts, uncles and grandparents in the evening. Yes- that will include a visit with the oh so wonderfully nosy aunt. Don't ask...I still intend to avoid her. See? I'm getting better- I didn't stress for 3 days this time. Now THAT's progress.

I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow. For some reason, my children are really excited so that makes me excited. And they are so excited to go to prayer...Which I find to be kind of neat. Most kids would be dying just to open presents. My brother and sis in law gave them their presents this evening, and they were so excited to see that they got new clothes- cute little Indian outfits that they can wear tomorrow- they are both going to look really adorable. I find it neat that my children love getting clothes as gifts. They must be the only kids on the planet who are like that. I know, the apple never falls far from the tree.

Computer Virus

For all the people who have emailed me asking where I've been, thanks for all your concern guys. I'm doing fine. My computer was infected with a nasty virus on New Year's Eve, and well, I've been without one since then. I had to send mine back to the office and have my tech friends fix it for me. Yes, it was an office computer...Stop laughing at me.

I feel Amish having been without a computer for a week, and I am proud to say that I did, in fact, manage to leave the blackberry off. I am, however, looking forward to going back to my work routine, but promise to be better at managing the work/home balance.

Since my laptop was re-imaged, I've lost all wireless settings and internet stuff, so we will be fixing all that tomorrow. I should be back up to speed by tomorrow night, just in time for the work week, and for my office work-from-home routine.

On another note, what is the deal with our community? I can thank 'anonymous' for rightly pointing out that it is a few arrogant Muslim community leaders who are to blame, but here we go again. Our second Eid is this Tuesday, AND Wednesday, or so I hear, as we still can't seem to get our act together and agree on ONE day. It feels like we will NEVER get our act together....I am SO embarrassed.

Sadly, I don't know if I will get the time off work, since I just took two weeks off. My dad reminded me that it is truly pathetic that I can take two weeks off at Christmas, but that I can't take a day off for Eid. Truthfully, that one is my fault. I forgot about Eid when I took my vacation, so I can't exactly go in on Monday after 2 weeks off and ask for Tuesday (or Wednesday) off again....So it looks like I may have to work through Eid.