I had a really really rough day today. I think it was just everything- the children, work (insane day at the office) and just the realization of the upcoming divorce. Today was a day where the difficulty of raising two kids had me on edge and almost in panic mode. Maybe everything is just piling up emotionally. I just found myself in a space where I felt that wow- I'm going to be raising these children pretty much on my own, and it scared me. I think deep down, I'm not convinced that I'm a good enough parent to take on the task of single parenting. That would be better handled by the ultra patient parent who never loses their cool. I am not that parent, and today has been a weird day for me.
The weird day started when I got up. I know the women can relate but I had one of those change your outfit 5 times mornings, re-do your hair, change shoes, but still feel like you look horrid. It was one of those rare NO confidence moments where you look in the mirror and all you see is the transparency of the stress and pressure piling up. I went into work feeling like the world would take one look at me and say- wow- she looks horrible, and she's incompetent...An incompetent mother, colleague, person. I don't know what's wrong with me today.
I had a rough time with the morning routine with the kids...Couldn't seem to get anything right. I rushed to catch the bus and missed the last one out. It seems I was reading off an old schedule. I had to drive into work. I got to work only to deal with fires that needed to be put out. Nice. I got a call from my son's school - real nice...And really adding to the incompetent parent complex.
I think this is my nervous side kicking in. I'm going to bed tonight feeling like I will NEVER be able to do this on my own. Feeling like I can NEVER handle single parenting, managing a career, a household, etc. I almost feel like giving up, and going to my ex and saying "you win, I lose- I can't do this without help, and since you're the only likely candidate, well, I'm stuck in this relationship for life. There is no out". But that won't work either. There wasn't much happiness there for me, and I was dying to get out.
I wonder if I'm the only one in the world who has days like this...Days where you feel you will never succeed, no matter how hard you work, how hard you try, or how good a person you are. Am I alone here?
1 comment:
Wow. That's an interesting perspective. I think you're right about why he filed, but still, I never expected him to do it.
As for real happiness, I think I've been a little too scared to hope for it again- afraid of the letdown I guess...Sometimes when you don't expect much, you prevent yourself from experiencing disappointment.
Maybe I need to rethink that perspective....so thank you for your input!
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