Primary Relationships

Primary relationships are a funny thing. I've just realized that there are only ever a few primary relationships in our lives. You have a primary relationship with your spouse and children, but the relationship with children is unconditional and the one with a spouse is not.

If a spouse cheats on you, hits you, hurts you etc, then you walk, and that relationship ends. It's conditional. With your children, the relationship is unconditional. Look in history at some of the worst people in the world. They can do the most horrible things, but their parents will still love them. They may not see them, they may keep their distance, but the nature of a parent-child relationship is very different from a spousal one.

I now have one primary relationship left in this world. It's with my children. Everything I do from this point on will be for them, or for myself, which indirectly is also for them. A happy mother is a better mother. A miserable one is one a child would want to avoid.

I should be getting the divorce papers in about two more weeks. The lawyers are drafting them up right now. I thought that I would get my mind off the emotional stuff and clean out my bedroom closet. When the divorce is final, I'm re-doing my bedroom- buying a new bedroom set, new bedding, drapes, and I'm going to create a special space for myself.

While cleaning my closet, I found a box with letters. All the letters. Letters to my ex dated back to when I was fourteen, when I first met him. That was a lifetime ago. I opened one and read it. All I could think was 'you stupid stupid young thing. You had no clue what you were in for'. I put the letter back in the envelope, put the envelope back in the box and put it away. I didn't want to read the rest of them. I wanted to throw the box out, to purge everything, but I decided not to. It's not something I should do when I'm this upset, but maybe I'll do it in a couple of months.

I had a good dose of my sister yesterday. She's very matter of fact about things. She's also biased, because she despises my ex. She just told me that nothing has changed over the past 2 years with my ex. That I'm free of 12 years of hell, and that I no longer have to wake up wondering what mood he will be in for the day. It's all over, and as hard as it is to let go of some of the good stuff, it should be easy to close the chapter on the bad stuff.

She's right. I shouldn't be shocked that he's filing. I told him to file, and told him there was no hope of reconciling. After all, how much can a guy take? Everyone has their breaking point, and everyone has their pride.

My children will be home in 3 hours. I'm dying to see them. I just want to hold them tight and sit under a big blanket and watch children's movies. Tonight, I think I need to be a child with them. I need to forget how hellish this weekend has been, and just enjoy their company. Tomorrow I get to go back to work...And I'll be able to get my mind off things.