The End is Near

I'm having a brutal day. I never thought this would happen to me. I thought I'd handle everything better than I am. I never thought I'd spend a weekend being this emotional and upset over something that I knew would end up happening.

For the past few weeks my ex and I have been talking about finalizing things. We've been talking about filing the divorce papers. A few months ago, I asked him if we could file, and he wanted more time. He wasn't ready to file yet, wanted us to give it more time, see if things would change. So we agreed to let it wait. Last week, we talked about it again and agreed to wait three more months. I protested and said that there was no point...What would three months resolve...But he insisted and I agreed. Then out of the blue, last night, he told me that he'd seen his lawyer and started the final divorce process. I was shocked. I didn't expect it, but more so, I didn't expect my reaction.

I'm not sure what it is that threw me off. My sister says she fully expected me to be this emotional whenever we decided to finalize things. I just didn't think I would be. There are a few reasons. I always thought I would be the one to file the papers. I didn't expect it to come from him. I was also getting somewhat comfortable with this interim state. Being separated but not quite divorced. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's that we've been relatively decent to eachother in this state. Maybe it's that I haven't had to hear the crap from our community because things haven't finalized. Or maybe I was just waiting because it was nice to have a backup plan (yes I know how horrible that sounds).

I know I'm the one who has been pushing for the divorce. I'm the one who left. I just thought I would be the one to file. I didn't expect to be handed divorce papers. I didn't expect he would give up. I think I almost feel that he didn't have the right to, given the fact that he caused most of the issues. I'm reading this, and I know it's completely selfish and irrational, but that's just what it is.

The other thing that gets me is that everything is about to be completely final. I hate final irreversible decisions. On a personal front, I'm a very indecisive person. This sucks. I also never wanted to be another divorce statistic. I never fail at anything. I never thought I'd fail at marriage.

This weekend has been crappy. It's made me reflect about all the good times, and the bad times. I feel sad for the children, I feel like they are about to be ripped off. I feel sad that I wasted 12 years of my life. I feel shocked that I never let myself feel anything on this front before. It's been a completely unemotional process. Matter of fact.

It's not that I think this marriage had a chance. It didn't. We tried too many times to make it work. It had become unbearable for me in the end. It's not that I want to stay married to my ex. I don't. It's just that the whole thing just really hit me at once, and I didn't expect all the emotion. I didn't see this coming. It's just all such a big waste.

There's also the uncertainty. That's a big problem. Not knowing what the future will hold. Now that's really scary.

I truly believe you only get one real chance at happiness. One. I failed at marriage, so that ship has sailed. Now it's about finding contentment. I think my goal is to be content from here on, and for making sure the children get a chance at happiness. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but this is what I feel right now.

I can't wait until Monday. I love the office. It's an awesome retreat from my other reality. 36 hours to go till I go back in to work.