Too Sensitive?

This weekend, specifically on Friday, I realized that I have a tendency to be very sensitive (and yes, over-analytical too). I think I've always known it, but I haven't really sat down to give it a great deal of thought. I don't know if I've always been this way, or if the recent events in my life have made me this way.

I find I'm second guessing myself these days. I find that when people say something to me as a joke, I wonder if they were really joking or if there was a little hint of truth in what they were saying. I find that some people have more influence on me than others.

I'm not sure what someone should do in this case. I spoke to a friend, and she said one idea is to protect yourself from what people are saying- stick only to those friendships that make you feel completely "safe". I'm not sure if this is good advice. If I were to take this approach, it would mean that the people I currently trust are the only ones that I will ever be able to trust, because I would never let my guard down enough or feel safe enough to let another person in.

Over the course of this year, a handful of co-workers were among the people who provided me with a great deal of support. Co-workers are not exactly what you would call "safe" territory- but these ones have been really supportive, especially in helping me move on and get back on track. They've encouraged me and been patient as I've worked at regaining my independence. If I hadn't taken that leap of faith and trusted them (a first for me, as I'm usually careful with colleagues), I may not have been in this space today. Part of the reason why I've been able to hold it together at work is because I've had such strong support. Work did not have to be a facade, and that has made this process much easier.

I do, however, think that when you depend on people like this, they have a great deal of influence on how you think and what you feel, and on what you believe about yourself. I'm not sure that building a brick wall around yourself is the best solution- that would only lead to isolation. So how do you protect yourself?

My approach in the past has always been the brick wall approach. But since my separation, I've decided to become more "real"- to allow myself to be human which means admitting to people when life isn't perfect. I'm not talking about complaining to people, but I'm tired of pretending that everything is perfect when it is not. Part of opening up means that you're more vulnerable. Vulnerable to criticism, vulnerable to judgment, vulnerable to blame, vulnerable to being hurt. At the end of the day, it's such a delicate balance.

With the reality of the upcoming divorce, one of the things that I've noticed is this constant self questioning. It was always there to some degree, but I find more than ever, as things wind down- I keep asking myself "how do you know if those around you that you love/care for really care back?" and what does caring back really mean?

Having been through an abusive marriage to someone whose personality changed from one minute to next, I find it difficult to really grasp hold of what's real and what's not. I mean- this was a man who I really loved. Given- it's a bit bizarre to love someone who can hurt you in such a way, but for whatever reason, I did. To come to the realization that you couldn't really have ever been loved back, well, that's a hard one to swallow. It makes you wonder what's wrong with you- why you weren't worthy of being loved by someone that you cared so much about, and how someone that you cared about could be capable of hurting you physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

But the sad part is- it makes you wonder who around you really cares, and when the next cruel reality check will kick in and your bubble will burst once again...Who will be the next person to give you the reality check, and when will it happen again? Will it be a friend? A co-worker? A family member?

I find that it hits me really hard at times. I can be having a good time with someone and they will make a comment that makes me wonder 'does that mean that I bother or irritate them? Am I being a burden on them? Maybe I care about these people and they only pretend to care back'...It's really bizarre. A bit like the political correctness thing I mentioned last night. How do you know who is real, and who is not? I know that most people would say- think with your heart, go with your gut instinct. But what if your gut instinct was wrong for 12 years? Would you really trust it again?

I'm reading this and I can almost hear a bit of paranoia. I'm not paranoid. But I am a bit sensitive, and it will be hard to earn my complete trust from here on. I've been through enough that I do know that we as people need to take care of ourselves...We can't expect others to do it for us. That means physically, emotionally, and mentally. If you're not going to build a wall around yourself, then you are open to being hurt. That's just how life is. So while I know I'm open, I feel like I'm watching my back- its like you have a brick wall with this little opening, but you constantly need to guard it to make sure you really know who you're letting in. And as for the rest of the world, well- they are just not welcome in. It's a bit of a protected environment for now.

I'm not pessimistic. I'm hoping this will fade. As things finalize, I'm hoping that this will get better, and that one day I will look back and remember the time that I went through the separation and divorce, and yes, through the uncertainty, but that I will have made it through to see a happier space. I don't imagine that I'm the only one going through a divorce who feels this way. It must be pretty standard. It's just that sometimes, we all forget that we are human. Sometimes the people around you forget that every day is difficult enough when you are going through this much change, that getting to the end of each day is really a minor miracle in itself.

Don't get me wrong- I know this will all be worth it in the end. I just also know that I sometimes need to understand that this is all part of the process I need to go through. I went through the anger, the stress, the tears, and now I've reached the uncertainty, and yes, a bit of self doubt too. I'm hoping the next phase in my life will be independence, confidence, and of course, happiness.