Getting Older

I am usually a birthday person. I love birthdays. My birthday, my children's birthdays, my friends' birthdays.

I'm one week shy of my 34th Birthday. I've had friends calling to make dinner plans and lunch plans and the whole deal. Each and every one asks how old I will be.

I almost forgot my upcoming birthday. Life has been a little busy. Stopping to think about it has not been fun. I of all people should not worry about how things look from the outside. I of all people know all too well how much damage that can do. Living in a marriage where I worked so hard to maintain appearances, I should be able to look at something a bit more objectively, and not care what others see when they look in.

Still, I feel a bit under the microscope. "What? 34? Damn- you're OLD!"....Yes, I know, they are jokes. I make them too. But please- not this year. You might as well say oh look, mid thirties, almost divorced, and two young kids. Life might as well be over. It just sounds so....Dismal.

I think this year, I'm going to avoid the age thing. I think I'm going to avoid the questions altogether. Maybe I should boycott birthdays. Well, that would be sadder. I actually had one person say- "hey- don't you get flowers delivered to you every year on your birthday"? Yes you nut. From my then husband, now soon-to-be-ex. But thanks for the reminder. Thanks for reminding me that the flower delivery that I had every year since I was 14 won't come this year. I am, after all, almost 34, almost divorced, with two young children (baggage, as one person oh-so-tactfully pointed out). I prefer to see my children as assets, but hey- whatever works for you.

To hell with this. I'm going to deliver my own flowers. :-)

I am, of course, just joking. This is not really about flowers. They do, after all, just die at the end of the day. I think this is more about fear. Fear of what's next, fear of making mistakes, fear around facing yet another year. It has already been almost two years, and to be honest, I just feel very very tired. Like I need a break from life for awhile. This much constant change and turmoil is exhausting, especially when you are trying to hold all other areas of your life together, like your career or parenting, just to name a couple.

I hate milestones. They just remind us of too much.

This year, I'm going to buy myself a spa day. Maybe a good facial will peel a year off. OK- I'm being sarcastic, but really- I think I'm going to do what my friend suggested. I think I'm going to try to celebrate my accomplishments this year, and treat myself to something.

My good friend Graham pointed out that I need to reposition everything in my head. Instead of focusing on the fact that everything is coming to an end, I should focus on the fact that after 12 years, I finally managed to make the right decisions for me. He says that's a sign of me maturing to a point where I can do a great job taking care of myself. He constantly points out that the decisions of a 21 year old are radically different from the decisions of a 33 year old, and so I should be proud of the fact that I was able to make the decisions I made, and stop focusing on the fact that I didn't make them sooner.

I think Graham is right. Despite all the fear, anxiety and uncertainty, there is a lot to focus on, and a lot to be grateful for. On that note, I think I will book a half spa day, despite the ongoing financial pressures of being a single parent household. I deserve it. Cheers to ME.