Good things come in threes

The 3rd piece of the same advice came today. Whatever is happening is happening for a reason. I never chose to marry a stalker. I never asked for him to be this cruel. I just kind of fell into it.

I keep flipping from angry to depressed to scared to (sometimes) patient. Mr. NYC told me to be more grateful. My girlfriend told me to have faith and patience. Today another friend told me to trust in God. He said that things may not always seem fair when we look at them, but in the long run, they will make sense. Maybe he's right.

I often thought to myself that hey-I was a devout Muslim. I wore a Hijaab. I prayed 6 times a day. I gave to charity. I never cheated others. I was (and still am) a horrible liar. I can't lie. I can't cheat. So why me?

Then I thought...I spent all those years praying for God to change things. For my ex to change and become the man I always wanted. For him to realize that I was worth the effort, that there would be nobody better than me for him, that even if he didn't do it for himself, he should do it for me. That change never occurred in him, and as the years went by, I became resentful and bitter, not to mention angry towards God.

Then I escaped. I was hopeful again, thinking that maybe this would be over. Maybe I can start a new life even with the "baggage" that I carried with me- two scarred children, myself emotionally a mess, afraid of relationships, afraid of men, insecure and without confidence in myself. But I survived. I went to therapy, healed emotionally, no longer have to cover up bruises with foundation as I dress for work every morning. I no longer have to wonder what mood I will come home to at night. I no longer have a packed backpack in my closet in case of an emergency, with money and overnight clothes and a credit card. All I have left is yes, a stalker, and a man who does threaten my life. As scary as that is, it is still a million percent better than where I was three years ago, because I lived with him, and had nowhere to hide. But now I have hope...

Maybe God does answer prayers. But maybe we just don't realize it. Maybe this is his way of taking me away from a bad situation. Maybe my ex is not meant to change. Maybe he has different plans for him. Maybe I am meant to help others in this situation. Who knows WHY it turned out this way, but either way, I think my prayers were answered, not exactly as I prayed them, but I did want it to end, and really- it did. Maybe I was just to ungrateful to see it.

I guess I need to be more thankful. Despite the fact that yes, I am about to lose another 20-30k in legal fees (money that I don't have), maybe 5 years from now, that won't be the big piece. Maybe the bigger piece will be the story I have to tell, and how I share it back with the community, with other women who have children in similar situations. Maybe that will be my calling and this is the only way to get me there...

My friend was right...at the end of the day, what does my ex really have left? I mean, he can harass me, he may even try to kill me- it's definitely possible. But at the same time, I'm doing everything I can to protect myself. Yes, the system is NOT helping, but I can't say I've missed any options. If after trying everything, nothing works, then perhaps it wasn't meant to.

Ten years from now, my children will know their father for what he is. Actually, 6 years from now, my son will be able to choose where he wants to live. He will be strong enough to speak out against his father's actions. Maybe that is when I am meant to be totally free. Once I have fully taught my children to use their voices and speak out, even if it against their own father.

And another thing- my friend today was right- no matter how bad things may seem for me, it isn't like my ex has it easy. I keep saying that I am the one suffering, but my ex isn't scott free. He has no friends, no family, nobody on his side. He lost his family, he can't hold down a job, and he cannot live life happily, because he has no mental peace. Yes, he created it himself, yes he is his own worst enemy, but I am wrong when I say he has it easy and I have it hard. At the end of the day, this will pass for me, but his life will not change, because he hasn't put in the work to change it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling sorry for him, (he has, after all, ruined my life), but I am realizing that I may be a tad off the mark when I say that God has me suffering, and my ex living it up.

So I guess that ten years down the road, the whole picture will be fully visible, when I will (hopefully) be in a better space. We all reap the rewards of what we sow. So maybe, keeping on track, and holding to my faith isn't such a bad thing after all.

I just need my friends to help keep me here, and to give me a hand whenever I fall....Thanks guys. God Bless.

His Obsession

That's what it feels like anyways. It's crazy how my life turned out. I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve this, and then I think, it's not that I deserve it, it's that we were all given different strengths and different tests in life. For me, this will be mine. Mr. NYC often reminds me to be more grateful. He says that as hard as it is sometimes, I need to look at what I have. He says "What happened to that girl that I met who looks at the silver lining? Come on Shaz- your community and friends supported you (including most of your ex's friends), your children adore you, your career is going well, and you have someone in your life who loves you. What more could you want? Would you rather be given the test of a fatal health problem? Please don't be ungrateful."

Maybe he's right, but it's still hard.

So here is the latest...

• My ex and his wife are separated (I know...I'm not surprised either, he is what he is, right?)
• He has basically told people that he does not intend to let me be happy or to move on with my life- I can NEVER move away from this area, get married, date, etc.
  
• Instead of focusing on her he is focused on me and the kids
• He's more obsessed with me than ever
• He is trying to get custody of the kids
• I know people who have very damning evidence. Now I just need them to be willing to share. Otherwise, he gets off and my kids get hurt. You know I'm right- they aren't safe around him. I left because he choked my son for refusing to eat dinner remember? I've started documenting stuff, but I need the world to help me tell the story, that he is a consistently psychotic person. I need everyone's help. And, we need to share it with other women, so they don't make my mistakes, and so the system doesn't make it worse for them like it did to me.
  
• I am taking a different route to work everyday to cover my tracks
• I've informed the kids' schools to stay on high alert and to contact the police if they see him

It's so weird. I keep wondering why he is so obsessed. Why can't he just move on and forget about me forever? Why is he tied to me like this? I just want to be happy and free. I left for a reason...and I'm still waiting for the freedom. It's sad. And this from a woman who has resources, friends, family, a job. What if I were earning 20k and new to the country with no family or friends? What then?

The scary thing is- there are so many people who have witnessed his craziness, so many who have seen it first hand. So many who have heard him threaten to do me harm, but none who are brave enough to come forward. What's up with that?

At the end of the day, I think the biggest disappointment I have is with some of the males around me, who are too cowardly to step forward and help me out of fear that they will suffer his backlash. I mean, I had a girlfriend who needed an affidavit about her marriage/ex, and I did it in a heartbeat. And I'm a single mom. If I don't fear backlash, what's wrong with these guys? How disappointing. How disgusting. How pathetic.

I think some of the women I have come to know have more strength and integrity of character than many of their male counterparts. Just an observation. I'm not implying that there aren't great guys out there, just that my experience has been when the chips fall, many of them run and hide.

Happy Father's Day to Me

After all, I am pretty much the mother and father. Well, they have a biological father, but any man can donate sperm. It takes a person of character to be a real father. Unfortunately, my children don't have a real father. They have a dysfunctional, authoritative and abusive man in their life who they happen to call a father. That would explain why my daughter keeps telling me to get married so that she can have a stepfather. Most children would never ask for that. Mine do. Explain that to me.

Anyhow, I got a call yesterday from my ex's loudmouth lawyer. This would be his 3rd lawyer in 3 months. My guess is that he couldn't get along with the first two, but hey- what do I know.

Anyhow, the lawyer was demanding that his client have access to the children on father's day. I told him that my ex is an abusive man and is inappropriate with the children, so he cannot have access, especially given the CAS case. He then accused me of opening the case to be manipulative. I told him to watch the accusations because I never opened the case, and he has no right to make those assumptions. Then he started yelling at me and telling me that I am restricting access to the children out of spite and that he intends to use it against me in court. Then I told him that he needs to watch his tone of voice with me or I will refuse to speak to him. He told me he has a 15 year history in family law and he wouldn't stand for what I was doing. I told him I have a 15 year history being abused by his client and I wouldn't stand for further abuse, whether it be from my ex, or his lawyer. Then he shut up and requested that I at least allow supervised visits. I agreed, provided that they suggest a reasonable supervisor. I told him that he should come up with a supervisor. He told me "surely there is someone in this world that you don't hate that can be used to supervise". I told him that he would need to get to know his client better, because the issue isn't that I can't find anyone I don't hate, rather, he won't be able to find anyone willing to supervise, because he doesn't have any friends or family willing to do it for him. He scoffed. I gave him two names. (my ex's brothers) Two hours later, he called me back saying they were "nowhere to be found". Of course not. They can't stand him and they don't want to be involved. This lawyer has no idea what he is in for.

Anyhow, I find it funny that my ex, the fundamentalist Muslim who just finished sending me a letter about how the children will no longer be allowed to celebrate "non Muslim secular/mainstream holidays" is making such a big deal about father's day. He never once celebrated father's day before. In fact, he said that father's day was the "North American way of getting people to appreciate their parent's, where a good Muslim would celebrate father's day every day". So in principle, he didn't believe in it. Isn't it funny how the fundos pick and choose how their religion should work?

Anyhow, the document that he sent me a week back actually has all kinds of crazy stuff in it, like the children are no longer allowed to celebrate non-Muslim secular holidays like Easter, Halloween, Christmas etc. Nice. Freak. I celebrate all holidays with my kids. Back off. He wants them to attend only Islamic School. Hmmm....I don't know a court in the country that would enforce that. And he wants them to have "proper Islamic upbringing". That would be the perfect catch all phrase for a fundo. Well- F-U. There won't be any of that. How about I ask the court for permission to change my religion and raise the children void of any one faith? Let's see what they do then.

Anyhow- he also wants the passports to reside with him 50% of the time. Why- so you can take off with my kids? I don't think so.

Honestly, this man is so beyond crazy, I think he needs to be in a mental institution.

Regardless of all this, I'm holding on strong. One day, I'm going to take up this cause on a permanent basis and help other women survive domestic abuse. Jerky men never let you move on. Never.

Well, anyways, Happy Father's Day to me.

The Will

Not to be a drama queen, but all of this recent crap has basically reminded me that I urgently need a will. I know, a single mom should have had a will a long time ago. Well I don't. Chalk a rare one up for my irresponsible side. So here I am, taking a cut at my will. I'll eventually try to go to a lawyer and do this right, but in the meantime, I downloaded a will kit for "Single Canadian mother with children". Good start since I don't have anything else at the moment.

My thoughts are the following- If God forbid something horrible were to happen to me, like say- my ex goes nuts and hunts me down with a shotgun, well- I'll be damned if I let him have the children. Screw the money (it's not like I have that) and screw the life insurance, but HELL NO, he ain't getting the kids. I've got enough friends across the city plugged in to fight that battle for me, but in the meantime, I'm putting it all in writing.

So there we have it- my first time doing a "last will and testament". I feel like I have things in order, to a degree. It's actually a bit reassuring. It's not done yet (the will I mean), but I'm hoping it will be by tomorrow night. Oh- ya- that and the fact that the executor doesn't know she's the executor yet :)

I guess I never really planned to die anytime soon. I know it's not the type of think you plan, but I guess I always thought "I'm 35, so the odds are that I have a little while to go". I know that isn't true- we never know when it's going to be our time, but I guess these past few days have made me very aware of the fact that it really could be anytime. I thought the odds were that I'd have a while- good health, good life, no issues. And then yesterday I realized- those odds have recently changed. The crap that I'm going through, and truthfully have been going through for 3 years put me in a totally different category. Think about it...the odds that a normal human with no health issues (OK except maybe some weight), would need to worry about dying at 35 are not that high. Add in a psycho ex husband (literally) who is completely obsessed with me, and blames me for all his problems, has a violent history and temper, and a history of unstable behavior and those odds have changed. The odds that this girl won't have to worry about dying until after she's 60, well I don't know. I think she would have to worry more in her 30's, while the stuff is fresh and the obsession is still high. Wow. I'm not sure how I ever missed that...

I have my RMT to thank for the wake up call. Yesterday, surprisingly of all places, as I was getting a massage and talking to my RMT (shut up- yes I sometimes talk)- I was told "OH GOD you REALLY need a will". And then it hit me. I do need a will. Like now. Especially now.

That's another thing off the "to do" list.

I was doing really well until...

Minor freak attack yesterday. I'm better now. Breathe. :)

Overall, I'm doing better this time around than last time. (Now isn't it totally pathetic that there are "rounds"...it never ends).

I think this new naturopath has been great for me. The past 5 weeks I was doing alot better- sleeping better, losing weight, acne clearing, and then boom- the ex starts up, and the stress levels (and hormones) go through the roof. So it's a setback of a few weeks, but that's OK, we've added more herbs to the mix and I was able to sleep and feel calmer today, so something seems to be working. The past week, the sleep got messed up again, mostly cuz of stress, but I'm better now.

Regardless, I think I'm getting better at handling this (still sad that I have to say it).

I think I'm realizing that this won't ever change. He's going to harass me until my dying day, whenever that will be.

Oddly enough, I left him because I felt that if I stayed he would eventually do something so bad that he would kill me. Now I realize that this hasn't really changed. He's the same nut, and he's still just as obsessed. It's still a problem.

How does a married man get so obsessed with his ex wife? People are weird.

Fortunately, my friends are looking out for me and checking on me. I love you guys.

CAS Visit #2

Never marry a bipolar man. Never.

God he's an ass.

Anyhow, without getting into the details, here we go again. Different this time, but way too familiar and still very much the same in many ways. Some things never change. Like people's assholeness.

Thank God my new department at work comes fully equipped with an understanding boss.

Doesn't hurt that he's got his own children...so he understands. It makes my on-the-fly schedule one less source of stress for me.

So- The CAS never changes either. But here is a funny tune- "What are YOU doing to protect your children"?

UM- Dude....you're the CAS. You told me he was off the hook last time.

"Yes, but if he continues behaving in this fashion, what are you doing to protect them?"

Um- aren't you the ones who told me you couldn't help?

"There isn't a specific child protection issue here. They have a good parent. It's you. But by allowing him access to the children, knowing that he is questionable as a parent, you are not doing your job".

Well- he technically is a joint custodian (dumb ass!)

"And you know that he shouldn't be. So you should have taken this to court by now and fought it. The fact that you're sitting by and not fighting it means you aren't protecting your children. If anything happens to them, we would get involved, but one of the things we would investigate is why YOU didn't exercise sound judgment in protecting them".

ARE YOU F-NG KIDDING ME?!

Talk about re-victimizing the victim. Peel CAS sucks. Big time! Child protection agencies do Jack shit.

I want to send this case to the media somehow. I want them to take it to the public. Why is it that women have to constantly go through this? Why aren't there checks and balances in place in the system?

I'm not being overly dramatic. I am very calm at the moment, but just very aware of the risks. You have NO idea what has transpired over the past two weeks, and I can't do this here. But I am going to the paper diary. If something ever happens to me or the children, somebody somewhere has to take that paper diary and let everyone know exactly what happened.

Stupid system.

3 Years and Counting

It was exactly 3 years ago today that I left my ex husband. I don't have to re-tell the story like I did last year. Most of my friends know the details all too well. But with the again recent events that I haven't had the time to blog (man it feels like deja vu!), I can't help but wonder how many years it will take to REALLY be free. Not free on paper, but emotionally free. I know that we share children, and that we will always be tied at the hip, but not everyone has an obsessed stalker for an ex husband. On June 9, 2004- that glorious day when I finally got the courage (or perhaps backbone) to leave, I had NO idea that I would still be paying for it three years later. And that's probably a very good thing. If someone could have told me then that he would continue to harass and stalk me and make me miserable well past three years, I may not have bothered leaving. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did (so far), but I am just saying that perhaps the battle may have seemed too large, and a I may have given up and gone back to him at an earlier stage, like I did on other occasions (yes, I tried to leave before, but it never quite stuck).

Anyhow, I'm glad I'm here. As stressful as it is at times, I do have an overall feeling of contentment. Truthfully, the stress is just becoming a regular part of my life. The drama of my ex does get to me, but nothing surprises me anymore. Today, as I looked at the calendar, I thought to myself, 'wow...I was married for 11 years, and I've been paying for leaving with the past 3 years of my life'. Not the best deal, but freedom is sweet no matter what form it comes in. As is Independence.

So, what am I thinking today? Well, it's been exactly 3 years since I left my ex. Forget the material things I've accomplished, because they don't really matter. But here are the emotional accomplishments:

• I've learned that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever imagined. Yes I get down. Yes I depend on my friends. (Perhaps all of you should rejoice today with me, this was your accomplishment as much as it was mine), but you know what, I did stand through it, and yes I am blessed to have the most awesome people in the world by my side, but I did get through it.
• I spoke with my son's therapist today. She says he's doing better. She says that's because of me. I was shocked. "me?" "Yes you. You are the only stability in his life right now. He draws pictures of how happy you make him. Yes you. As much as you think you could do more as a mom, I have news for you. All moms think that. But you have done more than the average mom because you have been both a mother and a father to your kids. And the only reason they turned out like they did is because of you. Be proud of yourself. Your work is paying off.". Wow. That is the biggest accomplishment in the world. I guess I am a good mom. Not where I would like to be, but yeah, this one is a huge accomplishment.
• Another reminder from his therapist- 90% of women go back to abusive relationships. You are a survivor of domestic violence. That puts you in the other 10%. That is hard enough to do. Being in that bucket and being the mom you are, well, you fall into about a 1% category. Wow. I never even thought of that. I need to thank my friends.
• I was able to enter into another relationship, and maintain myself. This is a huge deal. I was able to meet someone and feel something again. Sounds weird to you, sounds awesome to me. I thought I would live the rest of my life alone. That may still happen, but my point is more that I thought I was too dysfunctional to ever be part of anything long term. Ever. Maybe I was wrong. It was, ironically, a year ago today that I started seeing Mr. NYC. :) And for the first time in my life, I am not focused on the "end goal" of this. There is no real end goal right now. I'm OK with the friendship, companionship etc, regardless of where this ends up. That is not who I was before. This is new.

So overall, as crappy as things are at the moment with my ex, I think I'm taking it with stride. My lawyer can deal with it for me. I am just glad that I was able to take a few minutes and reflect on the silver lining. Yes it's been three years. Yes it's been tough, but man, I've changed. I have a long way to go, but I am happy with the journey, and with where I seem to be going. Even if I don't know 100% for sure exactly where the end destination will be. Wherever it is, it seems to be a good place, and I think I'm on the right track to get there.

Thursday without the Kids

Thursdays suck. My kids are with their dad, and although the headspace is nice, it's not so nice when you have a psycho for an ex. I keep spinning and wondering if they are ok. I think we need to do mandatory testing on humans. If your personality sucks, or your genetics suck, you shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

Anyhow, other than the psycho for an ex thing, I'm doing ok.

Why Would you Marry such a Bad Man?

Well, isn't that the million dollar question? But here is the funny thing- it came from the most bizarre place. It came from my children. They actually sat me down and asked me about my ex. My daughter asked why we aren't married anymore. I said that sometimes grown ups just can't work things out. Then they asked me if it was because he is such a mean guy. I was shocked. I looked at them for a second, opened my mouth to speak and then closed it again. I didn't know how to respond. Then my son asked if it was because he would hurt my children. I am wondering what the heck goes on in that house, because they should not be asking me this stuff. So I said yes. I wanted to make sure my children were safe, and that's part of the reason why we aren't together. Then my daughter blurts out "Why would you marry such a bad man? Didn't you think of asking him if he was the mean kind or nice kind before marrying him?". UM. If only the world were that simple. And honest.

But here is the thing- this line of questioning is SO seriously messed up. I mean, these are KIDS. Shouldn't they be, I dunno- playing or rolling in the grass or something? And here is the other thing...I left partly because I didn't want to answer these questions later...and here they are. I always feared that my children would hit their teenage years, see their dad for the jerk that he is and sit me down to tell me off for ruining their lives by staying with such a man. I always thought they would say "Why didn't you just leave? Why do we have to go through this?" Yet- here I am, answering the same question, and I actually did the best I could, and I acutally did leave- early in their lives.

So- back to the conversation- I had no answer. I told them that I didn't realize what he was like when we got married. That's the truth. And my daughter said "Why didn't you ask him?" so I said "Well, most people don't tell you that stuff when you ask honey". Her response... "Don't worry mommy- God will take care of it. If he lied and told you he was good and he really turned out bad, where do you think he will go when he dies? Do you think God will send him to heaven? No way- he will never go there. Then he will be sorry".

UM- WTF? Why the bitterness? What the heck is going on? I have NEVER heard my kids talk like that. I wonder what goes on at his house. I mean he's married, his wife seems nice enough. If he were hurting them physically I would probably know, especially since they are in therapy. At a minimum, the therapist would know by now. I'm guessing that he yells alot which wouldn't be too much of a surprise, and it would explain their frustration with him. Poor kids.

Honest to God that man is SO beyond messed up. And he's screwing up the kids in the process. He should have to pay their entire therapy bill for life. After all, he created the mess. Sigh. Rant over.

Shaz is Still Alive

I think it is so adorable that my friends call me to make sure I'm OK when I don't blog. It's been awhile, I know. I keep forgetting that there are many friends that I can't keep in touch with on a regular basis who use this space as a pulse to make sure I'm still OK. Thank you for caring about me. I'm touched. And I feel loved. Isn't it funny how you can spend your whole life wanting to be loved and then you find it in the weirdest places? I think the love that I've received from my friends surpasses anything any relationship has ever given. Amazing how that works, isn't it?

So on my end- things have been busy, but steady. I started a new job in the same company, and the change has been great for me. I don't know if it's the change of routine, change of work, change of pace, but it has all been good. I feel alive again. I think this will be a good move, no matter how long I stay. My goal at this time is 1-2 years, and then I'm out. Let's see how that turns out.

On a personal front, things with my ex were stabilizing a bit, until this past weekend. I'm not up to blogging about that, but rest assured, I'm dealing with it. I've learned that I'm a survivor, and that I'm getting stronger. That's a good thing, and very reassuring for me.

On the other personal front, things with Mr. NYC are on again. They have been for several weeks now. Let's see where that goes...

On a health front, my naturopath put me on an intense detox. She's trying to fix multiple issues at once- most of which stem from female/hormonal stuff. I have to say it's all working. All the things she said would change are slowly changing. I feel more energy, I'm sleeping 6-7 hours a night (I've been doing 4-5 hours a night for years), and I'm feeling calmer. A lot calmer. If I told you what my weekend was like, you would be shocked that I made it through at all, let alone to make it through without having to meltdown. Thank God for these herbs :)

Overall, I'm doing really well, touch wood. I see some stuff on the horizon with my ex, but I don't think it's in my control. I'll have to wait it out and see how that goes. But really, thank you for wishing me well, and for checking on me. I'll keep you all in my prayers :)

A Flashback

Today was one of those totally drained days. I'm reaching that point again, where I feel like I want to run away from home to get away from everyone. I am finding work stressful and irritating, I'm finding my personal life all confusing, and I'm feeling that I'm needing a break.

I was lying on the couch totally exhausted this afternoon, and the kids were running in and out of the house. They wanted me to take them to the park. No can do kiddies, mommy is exhausted, and is feeling a bit lethargic. And just at that moment, I had the weirdest feeling...like I was back in that home that I shared with my ex in Markham. I felt like life was "normal" again (as if anything were ever normal in my marriage- what a joke!), and I had the weirdest desire to call him from where ever he was in the house and ask him to take the kids to the park so I could rest for an hour. Except I live alone. He isn't here, and this was all a stupid thought process.

I guess every now and then I realize the benefits of being a two parent family- the normalcy for the kids, the not having to fight to prove yourself to the world, the looking like a perfect family. And then I caught it. At that very moment, right there- the WANTING to have the appearance of perfection. Funny how that sneaks up on me every now and then. It's not like my marriage was normal. I mean, thank GOD I'm out. Then again, it's not like my life is perfect today. But there is something very weird within me that always wants things to LOOK perfect to the outsider looking in. I wonder why that is? It's like the desire to always look good, even if you're a mess. I SO need to get rid of that- the feeling that what others think somehow represents what I am, the feeling that I need to pass things off as perfect in order to be seen as successful.

Despite the fact that I have many stressed out and miserable moments, I'm also finding that in some moments, I'm happy with my life, as imperfect as it might be. If nothing else, I am the result of the choices I have made. So far, I think I've made the right ones, with the exception of marrying my ex. I think what I'm trying to say is that although life is still crappy a lot of the time, I'm still relatively confident that I've made the right choices, and that two years from now I will be a lot better off, and a lot more emotionally settled. I think I'm well on my way, but these are baby steps.

Let's see how I am two years from now, and how these flashbacks make me feel at that time. IF they are still around.

60 is the New 40

It was my mom's 60th birthday on Friday. We had a nice family get together at a restaurant, and went back to their place for tea and cake. It was a nice evening, but I think it was a bit tough for my mom. I think she's a bit sensitive about hitting 60. This isn't all that weird for a typical Desi woman (all Desi women are sensitive about age), but my mom is not that typical. In some ways she is, in others, not so much. I mean, this is a woman who was pretty much an independent spirit all her life. She was hardly one to let a man tell her what to do (despite coming from a traditional Pak background), she lived life to the fullest, she kept her job even after her husband retired (mostly to maintain her own independence). In many ways, I think that observing her throughout my life contributed to my independence today. Watching her as I grew up, I saw a woman who could fix anything that was broken, who was the best problem solver of all, who was more practical than my father. My father was the emotional, reactive one (now you know where I get it from). My mother was the one who would let you be, as long as you weren't making massive mistakes in life. I would hate to see this woman feel that life were winding down this soon. She is, after all, in many ways, a person that I look up to.

I tried to explain to her that 60 is the new 40. I'm not so sure she buys this. And maybe when I get to that age I might be the same, who knows? In the meantime, I would like to find some way to show her that the days of old age homes taking in the 60 something people is long gone. She is 60 years YOUNG. Many more years ahead, many more dreams to unfold, many more new accomplishments to realize.

Come on mom- life is just beginning. Your children are married (OK, well, at least have been married once- damn I hate being the problem child!), you have a family that loves you, and the opportunity to explore the world, literally. Now you just have to find the motivation to get up and do it.

Here's to being motivated...

Scott Adams is Hilarious

This post made me laugh so hard that I had to pee. It's one thing to be Indo/Pak and to think it when we hear about this stupidity. It's even more hilarious to read what a white guy thinks about it. :)

Rollerblades

Today was one of my most fun days as a parent. I took the children to the Sportmart, bought Rollerblades for them, Rollerblades for myself, went to the Mississauga Lakeshore (Jack Darling Park), and we all went rollerblading. My son was a total whiz (and unfortunately, a bit of a daredevil). I guess in hindsight I shouldn't so surprised at his confidence on Rollerblades, since he does play ice hockey, and since in line skating/rollerblading isn't that big a stretch from ice skating. Usually people who can ice skate can do alright on Rollerblades.

My daughter was cautious and a bit afraid of getting hurt at first, but with some (literal) hand holding as well as lots of encouragement, she got some confidence together and did just fine. I'm a bit rusty after 10 years of not being on Rollerblades, but I did well enough to keep up with the kids, and to teach them how to roller blade. Lots of fun.

My hope is that I can use this as an activity to keep me active with the children. Before I had the children, I was able to keep fit by going to the gym (6 days a week), and keeping active (tennis 3x a week). I can't even hope to do that (it was, after all, about 8 years ago, and pre-children), but if I can do the gym 3x week, and roller blade with the kids 1-2 times a week, that will be enough for me to know that I did the best I could. And it encourages them to keep active. And we all have fun. Sounds like a deal to me.

New Job

It's official, I'll be moving to a new role at work on May 14. I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time, I'm gonna miss my old role. It's kind of a weird feeling. I was doing that for over 8 years. Talk about not giving change much of a chance.

I think I got too much into my comfort zone. I could do this job in my sleep, and that isn't good. That's when you know your brain is just going stale on a daily basis. Not that my new job will be THAT much of a stretch, but it will be a new environment, new people, new work, new routine. I think I need a fresh start.

As I forwarded the announcement to others today, without thinking, I sent it to Syd. Sometimes, I don't know what's wrong with me. Just when I think that his death won't bother me anymore, I find it coming back. I REALLY miss him. It's so weird...I think I'm losing my mind. I actually think people look like him when I'm walking down the street. It's like...I don't know. I guess I really feel the void some days more than others. He was such an awesome sounding board, and a great friend. Those are just hard to replace, and hard to get by without.

On the court front, my ex and I have decided not to proceed to court. We're going to try the "be civil and co-parent" route. Again. This never worked the first time, so I'm not sure that it will work this time. Who knows. It's better than wasting 40k in court. 40k that I don't have. Honestly, I hate the system here. This is all just wrong. Now I have to work with him and pretend that nothing happened. Where is the justice?

On another note, I'm starting to see small signs of my former eating disorder. I keep fearing that it will start to creep back. I keep fighting it, but I can totally feel it. It's the weirdest thing, because I had it way back in high school. Since then, I have been consciously aware of it, making sure that it's always in check, but I've never felt any of it again. This time, the negative thoughts are most definitely back, but I just haven't acted on them, and I'm hoping that I never will. I'm going to have to go back to my MD to talk about it. I wonder why all this is happening now? Things seem to be more in order now more than ever.

I started to see the first strong signs of it when Syd died. Everything was stressful, and they got even worse after that. Now, I'm in that mental screwed up zone where I'm starting to worry. I mean, don't get me wrong. I can totally afford to lose at least 20 lbs. I just don't want to do it the wrong way. The constant yes/no thoughts and mental fight isn't good for me though. It makes you doubt yourself and feel inadequate.

A few weeks ago, I started looking up liquid diets online like Opti-fast. I started to think maybe I just needed a quick fix, and that I would be fine after that. I almost ordered them. Then I had sense enough to read the fine print- something like 75% will gain back 75% of the weight within 2 years. Oh ya, please just kick me in the head. If that wouldn't start a bulimic episode, I don't know what will. I'd rather ride the dieting roller coaster than do that. The 5 lb fluctuation up and down is bad enough. Major swings like the ones from a liquid diet (30lbs up and down) would just do me in altogether.

Anyhow, let's just park all that right now. I'm going to focus on other things. The new job, no court fight, going to the gym (I just bought a monthly daycare pass) - Hooray- healthy weight loss!

Anyhow isn't it funny how I can be a bitch at work and make sure that I get my way, and that things (for the most part) go according to plan, but how I can be the total opposite in my personal life? Weird how that happens, isn't it? Whatever happened to balance?

Until then, I'll keep at the game.

For the record, I'm still thinking that eventually 2007 will be my year...

Don't Worry. I'm Still Alive!

Wow- I never would have thought that people would start calling me when I haven't blogged. People are calling me to see if I'm OK. It's sweet and actually a bit comical.

Guys, I'm fine. I've been dealing with some things on a personal level, but for once in my life, I'm dealing with them well. Let's just say that I doubt I'll be going to NY anytime soon. And don't worry, I'm just fine. I've surprised myself actually, because really I am just fine.

And OK, well I did go to Chapters and pick up a few hilariously funny books about break ups, and they did help. It's all been a learning experience. And, you know it was a good one when you can seriously say that if you had the chance to do it all over again, you would still go down the same road. With my ex husband, I would say hell no. With Mr. NYC, I would say most definitely.

So there you have it. As for my personal soul searching and decision making....OK, well, there is no tactful way to say this, so I think I'll piss off all Muslims, Desi's (Indo-Paks) and men overall, but I think I've pretty much decided that next time, I'm done with the Paks. I'd like my next dating experience to be a...hmm...for lack of a politically correct term, I'd like to date a white guy. The indo men just aren't my type. They don't understand me, and well, I can't tolerate them. They get on my nerves. Mr. NYC was a good balance cuz his ex wife was Italian...he had the non-desi tendencies. Other than that, I think I'm ready for a big change.

So why the white guy? Here are a few bonus points:

• I think they're better looking (well, most of them are)
• They find Indian girls exotic
  
• They tend to be more gentlemanly (I know, not a word, leave me alone. My blog, my word)
• They will be more respectful (my assumption, again, my blog, I can make assumptions)
• They will respect my independence
• Most importantly, I think they will understand me better. Pak guys always give me a hard time for being too Western. I always get told that. Well hell ya, I was born here...what did you expect?
  
• White guys are more fun

OK- Now I'll sit back and wait for the Shaz bashing. Let me start you off:

• Shaz is politically incorrect- she called them white guys
  
• I make too many assumptions and generalizations
• I just haven't met the right Desi guy yet (Ya, OK, will he be at the helm of the FOB boat?)
• What about your Desi male friends? (OK guys. Firstly, they are very cool, but they are my friends. And so they are about the only cool Desi guys around. The rest are just...not my type. The one that was, turned out not to be)
• What if the white guys turn out to be just as bad? (Then I'll join a nunnery. I'll be the first ever former Hijabi nun with kids).

:) I feel so much better now.

Happy Independence Day!

Independence indeed. It was one year ago today that my divorce was finalized. One year ago when I finally got to change my name and be me again. Ironically, it was also one year ago when his obsession with me went to full. Funny how the obsession got really bad when it all finalized. In a conversation a few months back, he said that the final straw for him wasn't the divorce. It was my name change. For some reason, the very first time he saw my changed name on his call display, he knew that I was looking forward to my independent life. It was then that he realized that I was really gone.

That would explain his summer craziness- showing up at my friend's homes, my parents' home, an Imam's home, begging them to help me win him back. Yes my friends, that was a year ago. It feels like just yesterday when I had my panic attack driving into the office and my office friend and I had to leave and take a day off. (Love the friend, love my former boss for understanding).

One year later, it's still on, stronger than ever, but somehow, something is different. And although it does flip flop on me every now and then, I think that something is hope.

In a few months time, I'll blog about the legal stuff I'm going through. But really, I've come to terms with the fact that I will have to spend a lot of money and court time to fight. I've also come to terms with the fact that my last lawyer screwed me over, charged me for a court battle without a day in court, and the fact that a court battle should have happened in the first place. Hashing this out in court is the only way I can be free. Because then, I will have an absolutely bulletproof court order specifying which dates/times he can be with the kids, who makes decisions for the kids, and there will be no room for negotiation. No room for negotiation means no need for further contact. That's heaven on earth if you ask me.

It's unfortunate that I had to wait this long, but it is a good thing that this will finally be done. I've got a rough 6 months ahead of me, but I think it will be worth it in the end.

Home Again

Here we go again. I worked from home today, initially because my children had a dentist's appointment at 3:30. I actually would have ended up working from home anyways because I have this lovely cold. More about that in a bit.

The Monday afternoon dentist appointment was not exactly a planned event. The appointment was actually last week on Saturday. But, because of the daylight savings time patch program, well, it really messed up. I thought (according to my blackberry) that my appointment was at 12:30pm on Saturday last week. At 11:50, the doctor called saying that they were calling to inquire about the children. I told her we were just leaving and would make it for 12:30. She told me that the appt was 11:30 and that there was a $30 missed appointment charge per child. Then I realized the daylight savings patch problem. I got a new blackberry and they were unable to install the patch. Stupid daylight savings time. Stupid patch. Stupid technology. Stupid me.

A few minutes of arguing and I got them to agree to give me the next available appointment without the $30 per child penalty. The next available appointment was today. I decided not to argue, and to take what I could get. I figured I could always work from home. It all worked out ok. Turns out I would have been home anyways. I was feeling sick in New York this weekend. Had a headache, felt dizzy, and had ear pain. My chest was burning and I couldn't sleep. I knew this was bad news. I didn't really get to do much in NY, because I felt like crap. I ended up sleeping (well trying to) early each night, waking up late, and basically being very lazy in the day. We spent Saturday in Manhattan, but the rest of the time, I was basically out of it. So, today, I went to the doctor's, and he confirmed that I have the start of bronchitis. Just the start. He said that the antibiotic and narcotic cough syrup should catch it in the next 48 hours. If it does, I'll avoid a full blown bronchitis. I'm hoping that's what will happen, and that I will back at work by Wednesday, or Thursday at the worst. I'm personally hoping for Wednesday. It's already a short week, I don't want to lose too many days by being sick, because I'm only working half capacity and this will only mean that I will have to catch up and put in late hours later this week or early next week. No thank you. Late work nights mess up my office routine and the children's bedtime. Sigh. The trials of being a single parent.

Anyhow, this weekend was total drama for many reasons. I was supposed to meet my friend's kids, but that didn't happen, and in hindsight it was probably for the best since I felt like crap. On the Toronto front, it turns out that the night before I left, I got a letter in the mail from the CAS. The letter was so crappy and irritating, I cannot begin to describe, but in a nutshell, it said that the case was now closed with no real remaining issues or cause for concern. It mentioned that it was "alleged" that the father had questionable discipline methods and language but that was it. No mention of concerns for abuse, no mention of actual abuse. The system sucks. Basically, he has to hurt them like he hurt me for it to matter. That was my biggest fear.

Anyhow, I really don't know if this is going to be worth the court effort. I went to NY expecting to deal with this when I got back. I forgot to consider that of course he would get the same letter. He showed up at the children's school expecting to see the children this weekend. It was after all, his weekend with the children. The children were at my mom's house, I was in NY and I get a call from my ex who was freaking out because the children had already been picked up. Now normally, I would respect the lawyer's advice and tell him to take a hike, and that he would NOT see the kids. But, given the weak CAS letter, and other things, I don't know if this will be the best thing for anyone. My ex mentioned mediation. I agreed that mediation might be a better approach. A stricter access agreement might be a good idea, as it will avoid some of the confusion and problems. I can't stop him from seeing the kids cuz the CAS openly stated that they are not restricting any access. The courts can intervene but a psychological assessment takes too much time and money. Like 18 months and 10k for the assessment, plus court and lawyer costs. No thanks. I think learning to be civil is a much better approach.

Now we have to find a mediator and see if the courts can close our file. Let's see what happens. I'm not feeling hopeful for anything anymore. The system sucks, and so does my luck. If nothing else, at least he was forced to consent to therapy for the children. But what an expensive and timely route to take to achieve the therapy. Sigh.

No wonder women never leave abusive men. They suck and they never seem to lose. They always get their way.

I need to stop blogging. I feel way too crappy physically, and way to crusty emotionally.

The Creative Mother

Have you ever noticed that creativity is just part of some people's being? I have a friend who I visited a few weekends back. I've always known her to be a creative genius, but I just always thought that creativity was a personality thing. That a creative person would sit down and say, paint a picture and let their creativity out. But visiting her, and looking around her apartment, I realized that it was all around her, in the little things she does, in the way she organizes things, and in her overall perspective.

I actually realized it the most while our daughters were playing. I watched them as they played dress up. When my daughter plays dress up at home, she goes into the dress up kit that I bought her. So this is a dress up box with skirts, shoes, the faux fur neck piece, the white gloves, etc. At my girlfriend's house, the dress up kit had some of that, but it also had pieces of fabric, boxes of old jewellery, beads, etc. The bead collection was made of tons of different beads. The girls wanted to make a necklace. They didn't have string. My friend said that she had saved a piece of gold string from such and such thing that she was throwing out. She pulled it out of her closet and the girls squealed with delight. I laughed. You see, I would have thrown out the string. Actually, I would have thrown out half that stuff. I would have seen it as junk and clutter. She, being the creative genius, saw everything as an opportunity. She could see what a child could see. I felt a bit sad, because I couldn't see it. Not until the children used everything.

I would have thrown out the shiny cloth that they wore as a wrap around skirt, and all those beads that were asymmetrical, but what made a gorgeous necklace (according to the girls), and I would have tossed the golden string too. It was all junk to me. And those old perfume bottles that her daughter uses to adorn her dresser and use to play dress up, well, those would have been garbage to me. But see, my daughter came home talking about how her friend had the BEST room and the BEST toys. And sadly, all I was thinking was that I could have had all of that for her, if only I could have seen the potential in all those things.

My friend is a teacher. I'm sure she saves Popsicle sticks as they are a possible future Popsicle stick house. She saves beads as they are potential play necklaces. I see all these things as junk and throw it all away. I always thought I was an organized person, that I kept things to a minimal to be neat and tidy, (well, except my car, but let's not go there). But now, I think maybe organized is a little too boring. I mean, I'm probably teaching my kids to be in the box thinkers before they even reach middle school. At my house, I teach the children about keeping orderly, tidy, and about "rules" of our home. I thought I was teaching them to be disciplined, but maybe I'm not doing them any favours. Actually, to be fair, I am doing them a favour, but maybe I need to ease up just a bit. I mean, we do play and have fun, but not CREATIVE fun. We don't paint or make beads or play dress up. We play board games and barbies etc.

No, I'm not criticizing my parenting skills, just noticing the difference in perception, and possible benefits and disadvantages of each. Benefits of being me- a clutter free home. Disadvantages- a boring, non creative home. Hmmm....maybe I need to learn to move just a bit over, so I can allow for those dress up parties. My home will be clutter free when they move out and get their own places :)

Who am I kidding, I'd go batty with all that stuff. Then again, maybe I could just buy organization bins and "shoe tupperware" to keep those things organized. Then I could have the best of both worlds...the anal, organized side, and the open-to-creativity side. Hmmmmm.

A Really Special Moment

My son can be a real darling. I was tucking him in today and as I walked out of the room, he said:

"Mommy, do you remember that night when we went to the restaurant after the autoshow, and I had that really bad time?"
"Yes baby, I remember". (More like- are you KIDDING me? It's all I can ever think about!)
"I was just remembering what I said. And I wanted to tell you that I will never say that nobody loves me ever again. Because I know that nobody has a mom like you and nobody's mom can love like you do, so I know I'm really really loved no matter what happens".

I had to hold back the tears. I ran to him, hugged him, and kissed him, and thanked him for talking to me. And then I told him that I would love him forever, no matter what happens in this world. He will always be my baby, and there is nothing that he can ever say or do that could be so bad that I will stop loving him.

And then he told me that he already knew that.

And then, at that moment, I found an instant feeling of peace. It was as if God himself was giving me the reassurance that I was on the right track. I just hope that I can make the right decisions for my children.

In the meantime, there is nothing that can compare to the reassurance that my son just gave me tonight. The warmth that I felt from that moment alone is the kind of thing that makes being a mother totally worth all the hard work, worrying, stress, and responsibility.

Sometimes, I realize just how lucky I really am.