The 3rd piece of the same advice came today. Whatever is happening is happening for a reason. I never chose to marry a stalker. I never asked for him to be this cruel. I just kind of fell into it.
I keep flipping from angry to depressed to scared to (sometimes) patient. Mr. NYC told me to be more grateful. My girlfriend told me to have faith and patience. Today another friend told me to trust in God. He said that things may not always seem fair when we look at them, but in the long run, they will make sense. Maybe he's right.
I often thought to myself that hey-I was a devout Muslim. I wore a Hijaab. I prayed 6 times a day. I gave to charity. I never cheated others. I was (and still am) a horrible liar. I can't lie. I can't cheat. So why me?
Then I thought...I spent all those years praying for God to change things. For my ex to change and become the man I always wanted. For him to realize that I was worth the effort, that there would be nobody better than me for him, that even if he didn't do it for himself, he should do it for me. That change never occurred in him, and as the years went by, I became resentful and bitter, not to mention angry towards God.
Then I escaped. I was hopeful again, thinking that maybe this would be over. Maybe I can start a new life even with the "baggage" that I carried with me- two scarred children, myself emotionally a mess, afraid of relationships, afraid of men, insecure and without confidence in myself. But I survived. I went to therapy, healed emotionally, no longer have to cover up bruises with foundation as I dress for work every morning. I no longer have to wonder what mood I will come home to at night. I no longer have a packed backpack in my closet in case of an emergency, with money and overnight clothes and a credit card. All I have left is yes, a stalker, and a man who does threaten my life. As scary as that is, it is still a million percent better than where I was three years ago, because I lived with him, and had nowhere to hide. But now I have hope...
Maybe God does answer prayers. But maybe we just don't realize it. Maybe this is his way of taking me away from a bad situation. Maybe my ex is not meant to change. Maybe he has different plans for him. Maybe I am meant to help others in this situation. Who knows WHY it turned out this way, but either way, I think my prayers were answered, not exactly as I prayed them, but I did want it to end, and really- it did. Maybe I was just to ungrateful to see it.
I guess I need to be more thankful. Despite the fact that yes, I am about to lose another 20-30k in legal fees (money that I don't have), maybe 5 years from now, that won't be the big piece. Maybe the bigger piece will be the story I have to tell, and how I share it back with the community, with other women who have children in similar situations. Maybe that will be my calling and this is the only way to get me there...
My friend was right...at the end of the day, what does my ex really have left? I mean, he can harass me, he may even try to kill me- it's definitely possible. But at the same time, I'm doing everything I can to protect myself. Yes, the system is NOT helping, but I can't say I've missed any options. If after trying everything, nothing works, then perhaps it wasn't meant to.
Ten years from now, my children will know their father for what he is. Actually, 6 years from now, my son will be able to choose where he wants to live. He will be strong enough to speak out against his father's actions. Maybe that is when I am meant to be totally free. Once I have fully taught my children to use their voices and speak out, even if it against their own father.
And another thing- my friend today was right- no matter how bad things may seem for me, it isn't like my ex has it easy. I keep saying that I am the one suffering, but my ex isn't scott free. He has no friends, no family, nobody on his side. He lost his family, he can't hold down a job, and he cannot live life happily, because he has no mental peace. Yes, he created it himself, yes he is his own worst enemy, but I am wrong when I say he has it easy and I have it hard. At the end of the day, this will pass for me, but his life will not change, because he hasn't put in the work to change it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling sorry for him, (he has, after all, ruined my life), but I am realizing that I may be a tad off the mark when I say that God has me suffering, and my ex living it up.
So I guess that ten years down the road, the whole picture will be fully visible, when I will (hopefully) be in a better space. We all reap the rewards of what we sow. So maybe, keeping on track, and holding to my faith isn't such a bad thing after all.
I just need my friends to help keep me here, and to give me a hand whenever I fall....Thanks guys. God Bless.
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