Today was one of those totally drained days. I'm reaching that point again, where I feel like I want to run away from home to get away from everyone. I am finding work stressful and irritating, I'm finding my personal life all confusing, and I'm feeling that I'm needing a break.
I was lying on the couch totally exhausted this afternoon, and the kids were running in and out of the house. They wanted me to take them to the park. No can do kiddies, mommy is exhausted, and is feeling a bit lethargic. And just at that moment, I had the weirdest feeling...like I was back in that home that I shared with my ex in Markham. I felt like life was "normal" again (as if anything were ever normal in my marriage- what a joke!), and I had the weirdest desire to call him from where ever he was in the house and ask him to take the kids to the park so I could rest for an hour. Except I live alone. He isn't here, and this was all a stupid thought process.
I guess every now and then I realize the benefits of being a two parent family- the normalcy for the kids, the not having to fight to prove yourself to the world, the looking like a perfect family. And then I caught it. At that very moment, right there- the WANTING to have the appearance of perfection. Funny how that sneaks up on me every now and then. It's not like my marriage was normal. I mean, thank GOD I'm out. Then again, it's not like my life is perfect today. But there is something very weird within me that always wants things to LOOK perfect to the outsider looking in. I wonder why that is? It's like the desire to always look good, even if you're a mess. I SO need to get rid of that- the feeling that what others think somehow represents what I am, the feeling that I need to pass things off as perfect in order to be seen as successful.
Despite the fact that I have many stressed out and miserable moments, I'm also finding that in some moments, I'm happy with my life, as imperfect as it might be. If nothing else, I am the result of the choices I have made. So far, I think I've made the right ones, with the exception of marrying my ex. I think what I'm trying to say is that although life is still crappy a lot of the time, I'm still relatively confident that I've made the right choices, and that two years from now I will be a lot better off, and a lot more emotionally settled. I think I'm well on my way, but these are baby steps.
Let's see how I am two years from now, and how these flashbacks make me feel at that time. IF they are still around.
1 comment:
Hey Shaz,
It's amazing how everyone else's lives always seem perfect to those on the outside. I was speaking to some of the other parents at my son's school and I tell you, EVERYONE has problems. Everyone is just good at hiding them. Don't try to be perfect for other people's sake, because believe me, they don't live charmed lives either.
BF
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