3 Years and Counting

It was exactly 3 years ago today that I left my ex husband. I don't have to re-tell the story like I did last year. Most of my friends know the details all too well. But with the again recent events that I haven't had the time to blog (man it feels like deja vu!), I can't help but wonder how many years it will take to REALLY be free. Not free on paper, but emotionally free. I know that we share children, and that we will always be tied at the hip, but not everyone has an obsessed stalker for an ex husband. On June 9, 2004- that glorious day when I finally got the courage (or perhaps backbone) to leave, I had NO idea that I would still be paying for it three years later. And that's probably a very good thing. If someone could have told me then that he would continue to harass and stalk me and make me miserable well past three years, I may not have bothered leaving. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did (so far), but I am just saying that perhaps the battle may have seemed too large, and a I may have given up and gone back to him at an earlier stage, like I did on other occasions (yes, I tried to leave before, but it never quite stuck).

Anyhow, I'm glad I'm here. As stressful as it is at times, I do have an overall feeling of contentment. Truthfully, the stress is just becoming a regular part of my life. The drama of my ex does get to me, but nothing surprises me anymore. Today, as I looked at the calendar, I thought to myself, 'wow...I was married for 11 years, and I've been paying for leaving with the past 3 years of my life'. Not the best deal, but freedom is sweet no matter what form it comes in. As is Independence.

So, what am I thinking today? Well, it's been exactly 3 years since I left my ex. Forget the material things I've accomplished, because they don't really matter. But here are the emotional accomplishments:

• I've learned that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever imagined. Yes I get down. Yes I depend on my friends. (Perhaps all of you should rejoice today with me, this was your accomplishment as much as it was mine), but you know what, I did stand through it, and yes I am blessed to have the most awesome people in the world by my side, but I did get through it.
• I spoke with my son's therapist today. She says he's doing better. She says that's because of me. I was shocked. "me?" "Yes you. You are the only stability in his life right now. He draws pictures of how happy you make him. Yes you. As much as you think you could do more as a mom, I have news for you. All moms think that. But you have done more than the average mom because you have been both a mother and a father to your kids. And the only reason they turned out like they did is because of you. Be proud of yourself. Your work is paying off.". Wow. That is the biggest accomplishment in the world. I guess I am a good mom. Not where I would like to be, but yeah, this one is a huge accomplishment.
• Another reminder from his therapist- 90% of women go back to abusive relationships. You are a survivor of domestic violence. That puts you in the other 10%. That is hard enough to do. Being in that bucket and being the mom you are, well, you fall into about a 1% category. Wow. I never even thought of that. I need to thank my friends.
• I was able to enter into another relationship, and maintain myself. This is a huge deal. I was able to meet someone and feel something again. Sounds weird to you, sounds awesome to me. I thought I would live the rest of my life alone. That may still happen, but my point is more that I thought I was too dysfunctional to ever be part of anything long term. Ever. Maybe I was wrong. It was, ironically, a year ago today that I started seeing Mr. NYC. :) And for the first time in my life, I am not focused on the "end goal" of this. There is no real end goal right now. I'm OK with the friendship, companionship etc, regardless of where this ends up. That is not who I was before. This is new.

So overall, as crappy as things are at the moment with my ex, I think I'm taking it with stride. My lawyer can deal with it for me. I am just glad that I was able to take a few minutes and reflect on the silver lining. Yes it's been three years. Yes it's been tough, but man, I've changed. I have a long way to go, but I am happy with the journey, and with where I seem to be going. Even if I don't know 100% for sure exactly where the end destination will be. Wherever it is, it seems to be a good place, and I think I'm on the right track to get there.