Working from Home

I'll be working from home on Thursday and Friday this week and next. I've had some daycare issues...Did not realize that the daycare ended its summer program for the last two weeks of August. I've found a babysitter for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesdays, but have nobody for Thursday and Friday. Thankfully my boss is super understanding and has no issue with the extra flexibility. In return...I do my best to work really hard, despite the distraction of the children being home with me. For the most part they are pretty good...They watch TV, play games, play in the backyard, so I can't complain. Still, I won't lie and pretend that it isn't easier to work from home when it's just me here. Then again, I welcome the extra time with the kids in their home.

I went for my physical check up today. It's been two years since my last one, so I got some scolding from my doctor. He says that especially given all the stress that I've been under these past two years, I shouldn't be neglecting my health. Stress has severe impacts on the body so I should be more responsible. Either way, he was pleased to see that all my vitals were textbook perfect. ECG, blood pressure, etc...All clear. Let's just wait and see how the bloodwork turns out. He said that he is pleasantly surprised. He apparently was expecting to find me a mess after everything I've been through. Apparently I'm more resilient than any of us anticipated. Brownie points for me. Thank God for sticking by me on this one.

Final Soccer Game- Thank GOD

Tonight was my daughter's last soccer game. It was nice to see her play, but I'm actually glad it's over. My ex is using these games as an opportunity to harass me. Tonight he went on with the chatter...random topics- how are you, have you seen any good movies, remember the good times we used to have, yada yada yada. I'm just glad I won't have to deal with him anymore....until hockey season starts up I guess...

I love the friend who posted the comment about there always being light at the end of the tunnel, but that some tunnels are longer than we hoped. That actually has given me renewed hope. Maybe it's not fair, but truthfully, my journey with this marriage and divorce has been a few years too long. I am hoping that light will shine through soon enough....a special thank you to my girlfriend for her words of wisdom :)

So Rich has written an outstanding letter for my ex's lawyer. I'm feeling better now. I think I will be able to do this on my own...without retaining a full time lawyer (thanks to my FREE LAWYER!). Thank God for good friends.

Will the Weirdness EVER End??

SO....

I went to watch my son at his final soccer game last night. My ex, of course is the coach. He decided not to coach and to spend the entire hour talking to me. I told him I was not interested in talking but...That never seems to work.

He started off by saying that he is glad that I am moving on...That I have many friends, that I seem to be enjoying life, that I seem happy. He then went on to ask if I was seeing anyone. I said that it was not any of his business, and that he shouldn't be asking me these types of questions. He basically said that he still hoped we would be able to resolve things, and somehow get back together. He said that he still loved me. I told him that people who love don't punch eachother in the face. Furthermore, I told him that things have progressed much too far. It is much to late for that, and if he really cared, he would wish me well, and want me to meet a nice man and be happy.

He didn't seem so happy.

Anyhow...It was an awkward and uncomfortable experience. I'm glad it's over. I basically told him to move on and meet someone, to find happiness, and to wish me well. When the conversation persisted, I asked him to not be obsessive...To please just be happy and let me be. I admitted to casually being introduced to people, but did not talk beyond that.

I feel sad for him...But really...What am I to do? I had to tell him the truth...That I have NO desire to get back together...The divorce is finally over...I just want to move on. I want to be free.

GOD...Are all men this difficult, or do I just know how to pick 'em?

I really truly just want him to be happy....Then he will leave me alone. When I basically said that I was not interested, he got back to the re-opened custody dispute...When would I reply to the lawyers...We are going to hash it out in court...blah blah blah.

I chose not to answer. I feel stronger, but I know that I am taking strength from the people around me who hold me up and make me feel secure.

Tonight, I go to Rich's to review our court strategy. Hold on...Here we go again...

Mending the Emotional Wounds

I spent the past few days basically trying to get my emotional headspace back. I'm feeling normal again, thanks to ALL my friends. This one took alot of support from around 10 friends who knew when to push me and when to back off, and I'll be eternally grateful to them for not letting me drown. I also went to visit a friend this weekend, and now I'm feeling emotionally golden and solid again. Thank God for good friends.

So, I've given this alot of thought, and I have a game plan. Thank God for the people who helped me put it together, but basically, I'm going to represent myself with the assistance of Rich, who is an LLB. I'll go to a lawyer to look over my case before I go to court, to give us any tips etc if we need them. I just can't afford a lawyer right now, and besides....I can talk as well as the next guy :)

I am going to bring up everything in court. The way I see it, I need to bury this as deep as I can so it sticks for as long as possible. This is the only way to do it. The past two years of emotional healing should be enough to help me through the ordeal...if not, some psychologist somewhere will make a heck of alot of money. Joking of course.

Anyhow, that's the story...let's see how it unfolds.

Soccer Mom, Lawyer's Letter

So, this was my first week on my own with the children, without my ex's help in the weekdays. It's very tiring, not to mention the late working nights to catch up. My kids had soccer Monday night and Wednesday night (tonight). I had to leave the office at 4pm both days. Getting in at 9:30 is not good for the schedule either...So I have to work late at night to make up for the short day. After all, my work still has to get done. The lack of sleep resulting from the late nights is bad for me too. So I think I'm creating a bad cycle. I'll have to figure this one out.

So- here is my week so far. Monday- My mom had her angiogram. All went well. No blockages. I cannot describe how incredibly relieved I was to hear the news. My mom being the superwoman she is, thought she would be able to go back to work the next day. We had to force her to take the week off work. Actually, I had to call her office and advise them that she won't be coming in. She was furious, but at least we are forcing her to rest after the test. I am starting to realize that I am a lot like my mom. Now that is scary.

Monday night, I had to take my son to soccer. Since I've told my ex that he can't have the children on weeknights anymore, I had to take him myself. The weird thing is that my ex is the soccer coach, so he was there when I got there. I saw all the parents looking at me when I got there. It was my first time attending a game. I can only imagine what he's said about me to those people. They must think I'm a witch or something. Then again...Who cares? I'll never see them again in my life anyways.

There have been many times in the past where I have contemplated going to the children's games. I haven't gone because I didn't want to confuse the children by having both their parents present together, or by having us present but apart so they would have to explain it to their friends. I just thought it was easier for them if I stepped out. It was hard to do, but I did it for them. Now that I won't let him have the kids on weekdays, and since he is the coach, I've put myself in the very situation I've been trying to avoid for the past year. **Sigh. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Today is Wednesday. Wednesday is my daughter's soccer night. I took my children to the field, only to see my ex there. He is not her soccer coach, so this was a bit of a surprise. I asked what he was doing there and he muttered something about being entitled to watch his children play soccer and that I had no right to tell him otherwise. I stepped down and decided not to argue the point, because I think he may be right. I'm not sure what the legal answer is to that, and besides, I'm not trying to be spiteful here, just trying to protect the children. As long as I'm there, they are protected, so I decided to be fair about everything and not to argue with him. I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't bother me to see him there. It did. But I think that's why he was there. Either way, I am glad that I got to see my daughter play soccer. She's pretty good, in fact, she plays even better than my son. I was very impressed to see her running and kicking her little heart out. That's my baby! You go girl!

Anyhow, after the game I was talking to one of the moms from my daughter's school. She is also a single mom and her ex lives in Jamaica. For some bizarre reason she kept going on and on about how lucky I am that my ex lives in the country and is an involved father and is around to provide positive role modeling to my children. Positive role modeling my foot. She has no clue what I've been through with this man. And my ex, who was within earshot had a huge smirk on his face. Great...Just what I needed. Fuel his flames some more. Thanks chick. I needed that like I need a hole in the head. Anyhow, I'm sure I'll have to deal with that backlash at some point or another.

I'm hanging in as best as I can, but I have to be honest. I do not see an end to all this crap. Some days things just feel so totally hopeless, I wonder why I bother wasting my energy when I never seem to win or get anywhere.

Here is the kicker...The best part. On our way home, I checked the mail. In the mail, I found a priority post letter from my ex's lawyer. It turns out he wants 50/50 access to the children. Here are a few key points from the letter:

• Apparently, I am treating this like a dictatorship. Since we have joint custody, I cannot make unilateral decisions about the children's schooling, and which school they attend. My ex wants them in an Islamic School, I want them in Public School. The way I see it, he doesn't PAY for any of it so why should he have a say? I am paying for all the day care and after school support so really, it should be my decision. I'm not particularly concerned about this one. There isn't a court in the country that can force me to send my children to Islamic school instead of Public School. I'm sure to win this one. And not to be mean, but given the current political environment and the negative publicity Muslims have been receiving, I'm sure to win this anyways. Sorry Muslim friends...but you know I'm right...
  
• He now wants 50/50 time with the children. Meaning 2-3 weekdays plus every other weekend.
  
• He wants to be able to enrol them in more extra-curricular activities. I previously agreed to one activity per week per child. I mean, he's not employed so where does he expect to pay for all this from? Apparently, I'm being unreasonable.
• I have until Aug 25 to reply or else he's taking me to court.

OK- WHAT THE HELL? I mean honestly! Here is what's making me angry:

• He doesn't have the money to pay child support for those children, but somehow he's managed to retain a lawyer! Not a legal aid lawyer but a REAL lawyer! How is that possible?
• He doesn't have the money for child support but he has the money for extra curricular activities
  
• With me carrying all the expenses for the children, I cannot afford a lawyer, so I'm basically screwed. I'll have to represent myself in court. Since I own a house and have a decent job, I am not eligible for legal aid
  
• I might have to drag the children to testify or get a children's lawyer...I can't afford a children's lawyer nor do I want to put the children through that
• I am not mentally in the space to go to court YET AGAIN

OK- so I spoke to a dear friend tonight and he recommended that I calm down and start doing legwork. He gently told me that it's time to bring out the big guns in court. To talk about the abuse and detail his recent behavior with the children. I really didn't want to do this, but I think he's right.

I really do not want to go to the office tomorrow. I am feeling overwhelmed and am in no mood to deal with work. I would much rather curl in a ball and hide away from the world.

I also feel like I'm losing my faith. Muslims believe that after hardship always comes ease....WHERE is the ease???? When is it coming? I've been a decent person all my life...when will this get easier? Sigh. I think I'll stop holding my breath on this one.

I found the Lawn Cutting Dude!

I found out who cut my lawn! I asked my other neighbour, and he said it wasn't him, but that he was going to do it if I didn't do it by that weekend :)

So there is a teenage kid around the corner from me. I've been asking around if he could cut my grass, and never got the opportunity to speak to him directly. Apparently my other neighbours felt sorry for me, and rang his bell while I was away, and arranged for him to cut my grass on a regular basis. Did I mention how much I LOVE my neighbours? So anyways, the guy came and cut my grass while I was away. He came today to let me know, and to see if I was interested in continuing with him. HELL YA!

So, for a mere $20 a month, my back and front lawn will be cut every other week. I am so happy. I hate yard work. And, he's agreed to shovel the snow in the winter. I am off the hook for the outside work! Whoo hooooo!

Happy happy happy!

Centre Island

I took the children to Centre Island yesterday. They had a fantastic time. I never realized this, but they've never been on a boat. The highlight of their day was the ferry ride to the Island. I wanted to give the children some time to just chat...Away from friends and family, so I could see how they are doing. They seem to be doing just fine. Most of all, I really feel they enjoyed the alone time with me. I wish I had the resources to take them away somewhere for a week. Since that isn't possible at the moment, I'll have to stick to day trips for now.

It's amazing how resilient children are. I had some really good talks with them yesterday, and they are very well aware of the fact that their dad is pressuring them, and of the fact that it isn't right. They expressed that they enjoy the time with me because I just like to make sure "everything is fun" and because I "don't get mad easily".

I'm personally a bit stressed about the possibility of another legal battle. I'm finding my mind a bit scatterbrained, and I've yet again reached a point where I have no desire to go to the office, or do much of anything until I've settled this issue. It's amazing what an enormous impact personal factors like this can have on our motivation to do other things in our life. Really, in the grand scheme of things, a few days in the office feel unimportant compared to the stuff I'm dealing with now...But either way, we plug along and do what we have to do right? Right now, I wish I were self employed and had people that could manage my workload for me, so I could deal with the current issue at hand. Then again, there is always vacation time that can be used I suppose.

To top it off, my mom has some health tests tomorrow, and my mind is on that as well. I'm debating if I should take Monday off and be with her, or if I should let my sister go with her. Yet another thing to think about.

So, the main focus for me now is to get through this stuff with my ex. To see what my options are. I spoke to someone who is fairly well versed on this stuff and she said that in her opinion, I won't have a case to fight for full custody at this time. Mean and dirty tricks are apparently common in divorced households, and if there isn't actually physical abuse happening, I don't have much of a leg to stand on.

Like I said...It's sick...I almost have to wait until it's too late to have the power to do anything. Either way, I'll get a second opinion. Wish me luck.

Straightening out the Deal

I've spend the past couple of days ironing out my never ending issues with my ex. I made the mistake in July of letting him have weekday access to the children so that he could take them for extra curricular activities like soccer. At the time, my reasoning was that it was better for the children to be involved in these activities with their dad than to be parked at some daycare waiting for me to get home for work. I thought wrong.

I keep having to re-learn past lessons. That either makes me really stupid or really trusting/naive. So here we go again. With my ex, you give an inch, he takes a mile. I knew things were getting a bit weird when my daughter indicated that she would rather spend time with me than be with her dad. I had a feeling that perhaps things weren't going that well.

Recently, it has come to my attention that my ex is basically bribing the children and pressuring them to get me to let him have even more time with him. This is outrageous. Not only am I giving him extra time in good faith, but I also at the same time have the basic trust that he won't abuse the privilege. He obviously doesn't care much for the children's emotional well being, because he's been pressuring them, harassing them, and basically telling them that he can't talk to me directly because he "hates their mother". My children asked me why their daddy hates me.

How sad. How sick. How completely unforgivable. Putting children in the middle of their parent's issues is just plain wrong, and saying bad things about the other parent is just plain mean.

So, I spent most of yesterday batting back and forth emails that basically said that he is to have no more access to the children above and beyond the court order. Ever. If he wants to see them, he can take me to court. I know it seems harsh, but the only way to keep this man in a safe place, and to protect my children is to minimize his contact with them. Even if they don't understand why I'm doing it.

Today, the children had many questions for me. Their father was kind enough to tell them that I am "cutting their time together" and that I am being "very mean" and that they should talk to me for him. We had a very nice chat together, and I basically told them that it was unfair for him to put them in that position. I asked them if they wanted to see more of their dad, reassured that it was a safe environment to speak in front of me. They admitted that they don't really like going there too much, and that they would prefer to be at home with me. I told them not to worry, that they are safe and that I'm just protecting their best interests. Should they want to see more of their dad, they are welcome to do so, but he is not allowed to pressure them into it. They seemed satisfied with that answer. Thank God my children are so easy to talk to.

I spoke to a friend today and he told me to prepare for issues with my ex over the next year. He thinks it will get worse before it gets better. He may be right. I'm learning as I go along, but I think overall, the only way for this to work is for me not to be myself. No trusting, no feeling sorry for him, no giving benefit of the doubt. Rules are rules, and that's how it will stay.

It's true...Children bring out the tigress in their moms. But man, am I ever feeling tired and emotionally drained. Yesterday, for the first time, I actually almost thought that the children would have been better off if I had just stayed with my ex, so that I could always be around to protect them. That thought lasted just a few seconds. Clearly, putting myself through that misery would not have been the answer. The right answer is to develop enough of a backbone to keep this man at bay.

And just imagine, a few days ago, someone said that I'm not maternal just because I didn't want to have more children...Yah right, not maternal? Just ask my children that question.

Back Home

I went out of town for a few days to visit a friend. I had a really nice time, and just got home this afternoon.

I came home to a couple of things....the house was 27 degrees...ouch. I had to turn on the AC to bring it down and it's still not cooling off enough.

Second, I came back to find my front lawn cut. I assumed it was Rich, but it wasn't. It also wasn't my brother or my dad. That means it must have been one of the neighbours. Now I have to figure out which one cut it, and why they did it. Did they feel sorry for the single mom and cut her lawn cuz life is too hectic and she never gets around to it? Or were they totally embarrassed by the jungle of a lawn and decided to cut it before the property values drop on the street? :) Hmm either way, I'm not complaining, just curious more than anything else.

No Babies Please

I have a friend that was asking how I feel about children...I mean about having more. I have no way to put this delicately, so I'll just be out with it. I have NO desire to ever have more children. My friend was mortified at how quickly I responded. I'm a bit lost.

I mean, I have two children, and one of each- boy and girl. What more could I possibly want? Why on earth would I want another child? Because I'm a sucker for pain and would love the thought of going through yet another agonizing 9 month pregnancy, or because I just can't get enough of the childbirth joy and am such a sucker for pain that I would just love to experience that again? I mean, seriously, why would I want more children?

Yes, and the fact that I have my hands full with the two I already have is just another small minor detail I suppose.

I was holding a baby at a baby shower recently, and the girl next to me said "wow, looks good on you. You are so good with children. Doesn't holding this little newborn just give you the urge to have another?"

Honestly, no! I'd much rather jump off the CN Tower than have yet another child. And we haven't even gotten to the lovely topic of what bearing a child actually does to your figure, your energy, etc. I'm just talking the basics of pregnancy and childbirth at this point. That, and actually raising children.

My friend was mortified when I told her I had no desire to have any more children, no maternal instincts left at this point. Forgive me for being blunt, but I already have two children, and while they are a total source of joy, I really don't wish to have any more. Not at all. Not ever. No thanks.

See, as much as I do get a great deal of joy from raising these little ones, they are also a huge responsibility. I want to provide them with everything I can, and that includes my time and attention. Quality is much more important than the quantity of children.

I got some lame lecture about how un-maternal I am, and how that's not a "normal state" for a woman...That most women are maternal for life and melt at the sight of a newborn. OH PLEASE. Give me a break. Now I'm broken or something? What- is being a single mom working like a dog every day just to get by a "normal state" for a woman? Not quite....So nobody has the right to judge.

Anyhow...I'm not even sure why there is so much focus around children. Now that I'm divorced, I get two major questions ALL the time- 'do you want to remarry'? And 'do you want more kids'?

I absolutely don't want more children (unless perhaps if they belong to another party- ie- someone else who is divorced and has his own from a previous marriage). And about marriage, well...Forgive me, but I am a little jarred at the moment, so I don't know if I'll ever trust anyone enough to marry them again.

So here's the deal...No more questions for me, ok? I mean, I don't even know if I'll ever be able to trust another man again, let alone marry, let alone ever contemplate more children.

I sometimes feel like the Indo-Pak girl in her late 20's who is constantly pressured to get married or her life is a waste. I did that guys...its didn't work. Now leave me alone. I'm divorced now, and just trying to get the pieces of my life back together. Let's just see if I'm capable of ever trusting the human race again before I get asked all these stupid long drawn out questions.

So, one step at a time. And right now, I'm taking baby steps trying to get my life back on track. No pun intended.

Melting

This is insane. I am a person that cannot handle heat and it's like 48 Celsius out there. I am literally melting. Thank God I didn't wear makeup today....It would have been melting on my shirt or something.

I had lunch with my girlfriend for her birthday, and we walked over to the restaurant in the boiling heat. I thought I was going to pass out or just plain die. By the time we got there I was so hot and sick that I swore I would never walk outside again...Except for the walk back to the office.

I don't handle heat well, so of course, as the afternoon progressed I felt sicker and sicker, and by 3pm, I just left the office. I couldn't concentrate, and felt really nauseated. I need to find somewhere else to go in this weather.

On another note, the ex drama continues. He's been bashing me with mean emails again. Honestly he's worse than a majorly PMS-ing woman. I often wonder what the heck I ever saw in him. It's sad...You can spend a good chunk of your life with someone, but at the end of the day, there is just a very very fine line between love and hate. Cross it and it's hard to go back. I mean I wish him well and everything, but other times (like today), I just cannot stand him.

I'm at a point where I feel like I've been pushed too far by him. His emails are irritating me, and now I think I'm going to start pushing back, and hard. It's time to bring out my mean side, out from wherever the heck she's been hibernating.

I've done the nice thing, I've done the cordial thing, I've done the patient thing. An 11 year painful marriage and 2 year God-Awful separation later...It's time to just take out the trash once and for all. (Enter shaz's bitchy side)....The truth of the matter is, I don't get mad very often. But when I do, it is not pretty.

Now I'm mad. We are finally divorced and he still won't back off. He has NO IDEA what he's in for in the next few weeks...

Back to Work Tomorrow

I go back to work tomorrow. This weekend was very draining, and yet I spent the whole time at home. One tip to the world...Children are much easier to handle when you are able to do activities with them. Keeping them in the house to avoid further head injury is no fun at all.

I'm in a weird space today. I go back to work tomorrow, and I just don't feel like I can do it. Part of me wants to spend another day at home with my son (yes...I know...I just finished complaining that it has been draining), and the other part of me wants to stay home and sleep and go to the gym and feel like me again. There is only a teeny weenie part that actually wants to go to the office tomorrow, to get out of the 'at home' routine, but mostly I don't feel up to it.

Then again, who knows how I'll feel in the morning. Tomorrow is, after all, a new day. I do have the little matter of the meeting with the school tomorrow morning....I haven't gone to sleep yet, or woken up, and I already have that I-want-to-go-back-to-bed feeling. Sigh. That just says it all.

I need a vacation...

A Saturday at Home

I am not a homebody. Spending an entire day at home is hard for me. Spending an entire Saturday at home is even harder. Spending an entire Saturday with two children who keep saying 'can we please go outside' is the pits.

I'm trying to keep my son indoors. If I let him outside, he'll run, and I'm afraid because of the stitches. If I keep him indoors, I'm hoping that I can keep him somewhat contained, but he is SO bored. Heck, I'm bored. You can only do so many puzzles and board games. Now he wants to watch TV. How do you avoid a 6 hour TV day, or is it ok when a child is sick? My guilty side says no way, it's wrong to let a child watch that much TV, but my logical side says yes, let him, it's only one day, and the fact that he won't be bumping his head and busting open those stitches is worth it. Am I the only parent in the world who has guilty bouts?

Stitches

Some days I just don't get it. It's weird...I'm working away and around 12:30pm I get a call from my son's school. They said he was running and fell (typical for my son), and that he wanted to speak to me. They told me not to worry, that he's ok, he just bumped his head.

So my son came on the phone and said that he wanted me to pick him up, because he didn't feel well and wanted to "take some rest". Anyone who knows my son knows that he is the human version of the energizer bunny. 'Rest' is seldomly in his vocabulary. He said his head was aching and asked that I please come and pick him up. I spoke again to the teacher who said that he was probably exaggerating so that he could come home. My gut told me that it was unlike him to fake sick, and that since I was working from home anyway, it wouldn't hurt to pick him up and bring him home to rest.

When I got to the school, I called him over and checked his head. To my surprise, there was a small gash, and it was still bleeding. I showed it to the teacher, and she said that "he must have scratched it, because it wasn't like that" when she called me.

I'm not trying to criticize, but there is a very big difference between a gash and a scratch. I'm not trying to blame anyone. My son is totally the type to run and bump his head. When he was three he always had bruises on his legs from running and tripping, falling off his bike, etc. It's not new for him. My concern was that the school was downplaying it, and he clearly needed to see a doctor. What would have happened if I didn't follow my gut and come to get him? I didn't say anything further to them, but I did take him to the doctor immediately.

When I got to the doctors, the nurses said he would need stitches. My daughter was crying hysterically the whole while, as the thought of a needle sewing up her brother was too much for her. She was a total mess. When my son saw the needle, he went into hysterics, and I had to hold him down. The doctor said he only needed a couple of stitches, so there was no time to freeze. (Yikes). I held him down, the doctor stitched him up, and we were set to leave with a big huge bandage wrapped around his head. Honestly, he looks like the kid from the old logo for the Sick Kids Hospital. Huge bandages for a small gash...But anyway, we got home by the end of the work day, and all is well.

The good news is that I was actually working from home today. Had I been downtown it would have taken me an hour and a half to get home. I am very thankful for my luck that these events landed on a Friday. The bad news is, I didn't actually get much work done. Sigh. That's expected I suppose, but I foresee many late working nights this weekend to accommodate. A day in the life of a single mom...

Cherryblossom?

I came home at 6pm...To my parent's home to pick up the children. My son came running to the door, gave me a big hug and said. "Mommy I missed you! You're my lovely cherryblossom!"

What the?

I have no idea where this kid picks up these things. He is absolutely hilarious. He told me I had the prettiest face he's ever seen. Gee whiz. Why can't I find a MAN who would talk to me like that? I know...Sounds sick...But what I mean is, it's sad that the only person who talks to me like that is my 6 year old boy....Sigh.

So I have the children for the next 4 nights. I am so excited to spend time with them. What fun. I've totally missed them lately. I think I'm going to have one movie night for them...Popcorn and all...Should be fun. I plan to inflate the pool again for them as well, and call their friends over to play. I'm such a sucker for the children....Especially when I get called their "lovely cherryblossom"... :)

The Cultural Weekend

I got more exposure to Pak culture this weekend than I think I've had in a year. I have to say, the friends I was with were nice, but the rest of the stuff....Not sure. I went to a show at Canada's Wonderland on Sunday (which had good parts and boring parts), and then to a Pakistani gala event on Monday. I think I'm jarred for life, because no matter how hard I try, I just don't feel it with the community.

The friend that I was with pointed out that it would be good to forgive and move on. If people wrong you, it's better to forgive...While it's nice for him to say, and I do admire his perspective, I'm not sure I can change it. I know we should all own our actions and the consequences that result from them, but somehow I feel like this community has had a large part to play in the negative events of my life. Here are a few reasons why:

• When I was dating my ex, the fact that the Pakistani community found out was a very big deal. Dating was not allowed in a culture of arranged marriage so I was shunned badly for my actions
• My decision to marry my then boyfriend resulted in a major blow reputation wise to myself. I was the most likely to have an arranged marriage, and for me to go against this tradition was a big deal
• 600 people attended my wedding, a wedding that my parents supported, albeit hesitantly. They all came and acted like they were happy for me, but the rumor mill and the things that came back to me convinced me that these people were not my friends, that the entire thing was just for show...And made me a bit upset because it was one master game....Everything was about appearances and image
• When I was on my honeymoon, I got my first black eye. I wanted to file for divorce, wanted to be able to walk away, but after facing what I faced to fight for the wedding, the community would eat me up alive, and my family too. I had a brother and sister who still wanted to marry in this community, and so, I (wrongly) felt that my only option was to stay in the marriage for my family's sake...For their reputation, for their name.
• When my brother was married and my sister was getting married, I reached a point where I could no longer tolerate the marriage. True, my timing for ending things was wrong (weeks before my sister's wedding), but I was finally free
• I can not explain the amount of garbage I had to deal with for going through the divorce. I was told that a good woman never walks out. A good mother sacrifices for her children. Clearly, they don't see me as either of those. What can I say? I always thought I was a good person...
• I went to this gala event after 2 years of staying out of the community. I knew a few people in the room, the same people who had a great deal to say about me in the past. I chose not to get up and greet anyone. I chose to stay with my friend and not move. I'm not sure if it was a good choice or not, but being in that environment again after so long was just too odd for me. It weirded me out. Funny enough, the person I was with is a very proud Pakistani man, and I did admire his enthusiasm. I think it was his enthusiasm that convinced me to go, and to stay when I was there. Despite everything else, I enjoyed the company.

Don't get me wrong....I don't mind the culture. Given, I may not be the biggest Indo/Pak movie/music fan, but I actually don't mind it....It's just not always my thing. I love the clothes, the food, and the country itself is fun. I guess maybe it's the community that I take issue with.

As I'm typing I'm realizing something....I'm doing to the community what the world does to Muslims...Letting a small handful of people ruin it for the entire lot, and judging the whole for the actions of a few bad apples...hmmm...Maybe that's food for thought. In the meantime, I'll continue to hide out in my little world, that is, until the next time a friend asks me to join them for an event that's important to them :)

It's not quite as good as forgiveness, but I guess it's a start. :)

Rise and Shine

I woke up to two sets of eyes peering at me. The children were sitting up in bed, apparently waiting for me to wake up. As soon as my eyes opened, my daughter said "rise and shine princess mommy"...

"And good morning to you too....What time is it?" I looked at the clock...6am. GOOD GOD. Why don't children sleep in? Man I was so tired. And they were wired. Bad combination.

"OK- I'm up....What would you like to do?" They started jumping up and down on the bed.

"Scrambled eggs, scrambled eggs, scrambled eggs!".....OI....My head. OK Scrambled eggs. I wish I would learn to sleep earlier at night. They sleep at 8, I sleep at 2am, they wake up at 6am, and I am basically screwed. My fault...Totally my fault.

So here I am, full blown headache. But it's my fault. Don't get me wrong. There is nothing in the world better than waking up to my princess saying "rise and shine" and showering me with her butterfly kisses. It's the most awesome thing in the world. Just...The 6am part is brutal :)

So, I have the children with me until 2pm today, and then they are off to their dad's place. She is already protesting and saying she doesn't want to go, she'd rather stay with me. This is emotionally difficult. For me, for her, and yes, for her dad.

Anyhow, I have dinner with an out of town friend tonight, so I have to get my laundry etc done so I can actually relax and chill this evening. Looking forward to spending time with my friend. I'm trying to see if I can find us a last minute Summerlicious cancellation...no luck yet. :(

Stargazer Lilies

Stargazer Lilies are my favourite flower. There is only one person who ever figured that one out, and that was recently, and kind of by accident. I've loved the flower for years...It has a fragrant smell, and it's big and beautiful. My ex didn't know it was my favourite flower. I never had the heart to tell him. When we were 16 I absolutely loved pink roses. My ex knew that. So, whenever he bought me flowers, they usually included pink roses. I found the gesture so thoughtful that I never wanted to burst his bubble and tell him that I was growing tired of the pink roses. No worries...The thought of him going out of his way to buy me what he thought was my favourite flower was more than enough for me.

Anyhow, when I put the offer on this house, I noticed the stargazer lilies planted in the front garden. Maybe 20 or 30 of them. This was like an omen to me. I loved the outside of the house before I even stepped foot inside. I felt like it called to me. I know...I'm being dramatic and emotional, but that's how it was. And it was a dramatic and emotional experience. Purchasing your first new home after a divorce- the first thing that is actually all your very own was a very big deal.

Anyhow, this year, the lilies came out around the time of the divorce (July 4th). I noticed them in the garden and smiled every time I saw them, but I never took the time to actually sit outside and enjoy them or to enjoy their fragrance. I kept saying tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

This morning, I was putting the children outside and I noticed that the petals have fallen off the last lily. I never even took the time to enjoy them. How sad. Perhaps it was the heat, maybe I didn't water them enough, or maybe it's just the fact that stargazer lilies only live for a few weeks, and these were around for 3 whole weeks. I just didn't enjoy them. I was so caught up in the details around the divorce, the paperwork, etc....That I just didn't make the time to stop and enjoy, even if just for a few short seconds.

I'm not being hard on myself or anything. Just observing. I promised to always take time to smell the flowers, and this time, I didn't do it...Literally. Next year, I'm going to sit on the porch and read right there, so that I can enjoy the flowers for the short time that they are around.

Sunglasses at Night

I was upstairs putting away the laundry. I don't know why I was so tunnel visioned, but I didn't even notice the music on in the house. I came downstairs to put in another load, and there was my son, dancing his heart out to my 80's CDs.

"Where did you find those?"
"In the box"
"What made you put them in?"
"I wanted to hear good music"

Funny...These are my 80's CDs. I'm talking pre-highschool. Like grade 6-8. How he found the few I had left and put them in I'll never know. It was very comical. He was shaking his butt side to side, just loving every moment.

"Well then...Carry on and enjoy"...And I went downstairs to put in the laundry. As I came up, he asked if I wanted to hear his favourite song. Sure, why not. It's not like I won't know it...These are, after all, my CDs...

He gleefully puts on Corey Hart...Sunglasses at Night. Too funny. I haven't heard that song since...God knows how long. It took me back. He talked about how great the beat was, and I laughed.

My son is into retro music. The retro he likes is from my "era". Kind of when I started listening to the Beatles and my parents said they could listen to it with me. GOD I feel old. How hilarious.

I need a Vacation

OK - A vacation and a party :)

The divorce came and went...No issues. Not that I was hoping for issues or anything, I'm quite grateful that I didn't have to deal with many, except for the occasional mood swings from my ex. Thankfully, he's avoiding me these days. I think he's fed up of bugging me. Hooray for some good news.

I find that I'm getting to that point again. The point where I feel like I need a break. I've taken time off this year in March and a day or so here or there, but these days, it just feels different. I've marked the end of a two year hellish ordeal, and I think the occasion deserves a treat. Even if it costs my line of credit. I mean, this is a milestone, is it not? The end to an era. I think I do need to do something different...Something drastically different from the ordinary routine. I might just do something spontaneous and take off somewhere on my own. Then again, all this thought makes it not-so-spontaneous doesn't it?

As for everything else, it's all going well. I've been putting in some late nights to catch up on things at the office. Another week and I think I'll have them exactly where I want them. I hate it when I fall behind. Then again, if I take off and vacation somewhere, I'll be right back where I started :(

On another note, I'm glad to say the sunburn is healing. Needless to say, I won't be doing that again anytime soon. Not the swimming part, just the forgetting sunblock part. Speaking of which, I noticed something at the pool on Saturday. My daughter who is afraid of water (or so she claims), may be that way because of me. When I changed and came out, she was sitting along the pool and refusing to get in. This is typical for her, whether it is a pool, sprinkler, or anything else. When she saw me get in, she jumped right in and had a great time. I'm wondering if she avoids the water because I do? That would be a really bad thing, and probably a good example of negative role modeling, even if it wasn't intentional. Either way, I hope to change that in the near future. I wonder what other things she picks up from me, or am I just being too sensitive?

The Joys of Juggling a Flex Schedule

I'm totally grateful for the flexibility I have at the office. It's almost 7:30 and I'm still here working, because tonight is the night my ex has the children. Mondays and Wednesdays are his nights (for the summer due to soccer schedules). Tuesdays and Thursdays I leave the office early like 4 or 4:30 and Fridays I work a full schedule but at home. It's funny how I juggle everything around the children. But I'm really lucky, because not many single moms out there have this luxury. I'm glad I work for a great company and for an awesome boss.

I figure I'll put in another hour to catch up and then leave. It's funny because my mornings are equally flexible. Tuesdays and Thursdays I come in earlier (because I don't have to drop the children off at school) and Mondays and Wednesdays I come in later, because I do drop them off. Oh the joys...It never ends. ;)

Social life...What's that? You mean people actually get to have a life? NO! Really?

Actually I'm half joking. I get time in every other weekend when the children are away, and sometimes on the odd weeknight when they are with their dad. It all balances quite well actually.

I can just see myself in the future, when my children grow up, telling them stories of how much I had to juggle just for them....Well hey, our parents did it to us didn't they? We all heard the stories of how much they had to work to put food on the table, or about how much of a pain we were when they took us shopping. I figure my work arrangements ought to buy me something to talk about when they grow up. I can just see it now "I had to work till 8pm just to support you on my own"...leave out the days that I left early, or the fact that I actually enjoyed being at work, or the fact that I still had time to enjoy myself. I'm being bad.... :)

UGH The Heat!

I cannot handle the heat. I pass out in heat temperatures higher than 25 degrees. Today, when the weather is 39 degrees with Humidity factor, I am just dying. I'm feeling moody, cranky, have massive headaches and almost passed out walking from the car to the mall. That is just nuts. My friend pointed out that I come from Indo-Paks, and therefore I should be genetically able to handle the heat. Good point, but not true, for whatever reason. Autumn is my favourite season. Warm enough that you don't need a jacket (I hate extreme cold) and cold enough that you can wear boots and a sweater. Perfect weather in my opinion.

Anyhow. Here's another thing- I got sunburned yesterday! DOH! I guess I'm not used to the open back thing...And forgot to sunblock my back when we went swimming. What a moronic thing to do. My back is red like a lobster and the rest of me is perfectly fine. How odd. How many pak chicks do you know with sunburn? Exactly. Another example of how the genetic thing didn't work for me. I mean- I thought Indo-Paks were dark enough that they didn't burn? Man...I have a lot to learn. OUCH.

Swimming

This is like the highlight of my month. I took my children to visit a friend from the office today. She has a swimming pool in her backyard, and the children had a lot of fun. This friend and I have been trying to get together for quite some time, but for one reason or another, we haven't had the opportunity to catch up. Today, I made it out there, with the children, and we all went into the pool.

For everyone else, having time in a pool is no big deal. Just to give some perspective on this one, it's a very big deal for me. I'm the girl who wore a scarf for 6 years. I'm still very much a Muslim woman, and as a result, I never wear short skirts, I never wear sleeveless dresses, and basically- I try to cover up as much as possible. I'm still for all fine purposes a relatively conservative person.

Unfortunately, as a result, swimming in public pools or public places in a bathing suit is pretty much out of the question. I know it's a bit restrictive lifestyle-wise, but that's just the way it is, at least for now. I haven't been in a bathing suit since my honeymoon (13 years ago), and I have never had the opportunity to go in the water with my children. Both experiences were absolutely incredible, and I have my friend to thank for it.

My children are very much aware of the fact that I don't take them swimming. When I told them we were going to a pool, they immediately asked if their father was coming. I told them no, that I would be coming with them....And they were so excited. It was fun. I'm glad I went.

It's funny. I am so thankful for the wonderful time we had, and to the friend who invited us over. She doesn't have any children of her own, so I'm sure she must have been exhausted after an afternoon with my two children in her pool. Still, she was very hospitable and enthusiastic, and if my children drained her, she didn't show it one bit.

This afternoon's events really did get me thinking about some of the restrictions to the lifestyle of a Muslim woman. OK- So- to my Muslim friends...Feel free to stop reading, and if you do decide to read on, no phone calls please. Leave your comments and disappointment about my thoughts on this blog.

Anyhow...It just seems so restrictive at times. Simple things like swimming in a pool with my children have become a big deal. Any other person reading this will think it's insane that I can't enjoy a simple event like that, without having to go out of my way to find a private pool somewhere...I mean...It almost makes me wonder what the point is of all of it. Maybe all the recent changes in my life have gone to my head and I'm getting out of control. Then again, maybe I'm onto something.

American Arrogance

I have a big issue with the US immigration folks. I know, it's kind of a chicken and egg thing around why the issue exists or how it started, but it still drives me nuts. I am so sick and tired of the profiling at the US border. The first time it happened to me, I was still in hijaab and it was November 2003. I just assumed that it was 9/11 sensitivity and that the hijaab was the culprit...But now I'm not so sure.

In 2003 I was going to a wedding in California, by air. The US Immigration guy at the airport stopped me and questioned me for about 15 minutes. Stupid questions like how did you meet the people you're visiting, why are you going to the wedding, what high school did you go to. I politely answered all these questions, and as I answered them, their questions kept getting worse. I know I was visibly irritated when he gawked at my response to his question around what type of education I had. Clearly, he didn't believe that a scarf girl could have an MBA. Next, when he asked what I do for a living, and I gave him my title and the organization I work for, he blurted out "that's impossible". I actually had to pull out a business card before he would let me go into the US. That was just too much for me, and very very insulting.

Then, a few months ago, I went to Buffalo to shop. My friend who was with me recently got his Canadian Citizenship. Prior to that, he would travel on a Pakistani passport with a US Visa. When we went shopping, he was traveling on a Canadian passport without a visa. We were stopped for about an hour going in, and he was fingerprinted etc, and told basically that this would continue to happen to him unless he gave up his Pakistani Citizenship. (Canada lets you hold two Citizenships, and the US does not). What a hassle. That day was very irritating to me, although my friend should have been more irritated (I suppose he has more patience than I do). I couldn't shake the feeling that Americans are just so very arrogant.

So, on Tuesday, I went again to Buffalo with my sister. The US immigration guy looked at our ID (We are both born in Toronto), and he told us that we had to go inside for a random computer test. We went inside. 15 minutes later, another officer asked what our birthplace was. I told him Toronto, and that we already showed our birth certificates to the other guy. He asked for our birth certificates, driver licenses, photocopied them, and told us we could leave. When I asked what happened to the computer test, he told me that he didn't know what I was told outside, but that I was free to go. Obviously, there was no computer test, and there was nothing random about the "spot check".

So, why was I stopped? Colour of my skin? The fact that I have traveled with a Pakistani born person last time? Was my license plate flagged for some reason? I had no problems when I went to the US a few weeks back with Mich in her car, so what was the deal?

I found the experience totally confusing and totally disheartening. I mean, I can only imagine what would have happened if I still wore my hijaab, or still had ID with the hijaab. This is why my Muslim friends refuse to travel to the States. But then again, that's exactly what they want, right? Stay in your own Country and stay the hell out of ours is their attitude. So what's the solution? Stop traveling? Keep traveling and hope for the best? Pull a Michael Jackson and dye my skin white?

One Year in the New Home

I just realized....June 29th marked my one year anniversary in this home. It's amazing how fast time flies. It feels as if I just moved in a couple of months ago, and a year has already gone by. It's also funny how no matter how settled you are, you're never really settled. I'm looking at the bookshelf next to me and noticing the empty shelves. That reminds me. I still have a few books that I haven't unpacked yet. Then again...If I didn't need them in a year, I probably don't need them at all. Food for thought I guess.

So, the house is getting there. I still need help with the gardening, I totally suck at that. And I need help with the snow shoveling, mostly because I hate manual labor. Hmmm...The list is endless, pictures to hang, painting to be done...I could go one, but why bother? A wise friend once reminded me that nobody ever dies with a completed 'to do' list. We all have things left to be done, unfinished business. Moral of the story- let it go, and take it easy. Some things just aren't worth the stress.

So, today, sitting in this house, I'm feeling pretty great. I mean, a year has gone by. The children are much more settled than they were last year. Not perfect, but they are doing well. This is a long process. I am much more settled. I can feel it emotionally. The recent name change was a fantastic move for me. It gave me enormous closure, and it was very empowering. I'm glad I did it.

Since the finalization of the divorce, I've been feeling a lot 'lighter' emotionally....Like I'm ready to move ahead, whatever that might mean. I'm ready to be me again, to face my new challenges, to face life. I'm ready to start with a new chapter. This is a great feeling, and I really hope it lasts. In the meantime, I'll keep working away at making things happier for the children, for me...And at creating a secure and stable home. A happy home after all, makes all the difference in the world.

Why so Surprised?

I had an interesting exchange with my ex this morning. I called him to confirm what time he would be coming to pick up the children. I guess my name change with Bell Canada must have kicked in today, and that it must have shown up on his call display. He seemed completely shocked by the fact that I have changed my name. I'm not totally sure why, I mean the divorce is official, so one would think a name change would be in order.

He asked me "Well, you changed your name I see, did you change it at the office too?"... I smiled to myself. No matter what else, he knows me well enough to know that changing my name at the office would be a big move for me, and a step that I would be unlikely to take. He also knows full well that if I did take the step, it would be telling. I confirmed that yes, I have changed it. He was a bit irritated, but handled it ok I suppose.

When I sent my email to the world telling everyone of the name change, I deliberately took his name off the list. I didn't see the need in putting salt in his wounds. I forgot that he would see the name when I called him....But it's all in the open now so that's good I suppose.

Still Changing the Name

I'm still working on the name change. This is taking a lot longer than I originally expected. I came to the office, ordered new business cards, and called the tech dudes to change my email address. They said it would take effect on Friday. And then I started to get emails halfway through the day asking if I had changed my name. Then I got phone calls from people checking to see if I left the company because my old email address kept bouncing back. What a mess. Leave it to technology to mess up. My manual name changes yesterday were a piece of cake compared to this.

Here are the funny comments from today:

• One VP emailed me to congratulate me on my marriage. I think she felt weird when I replied, telling her that I am now divorced
• Another friend emailed me and was very irritated to hear that he wasn't invited to my wedding
• Another friend emailed me and said "Good riddance. Mail your ex some KY Jelly and tell him its for his hand"...
• Another friend suggested that I send my ex a copy of the divorce certificate with a kiss mark on it (man you people are EVIL) :-)
• Another colleague that I haven't worked with in 2 years emailed me to tell me that she couldn't believe this could happen to someone like me, and gave me her words of wisdom. That was very touching
• My boss congratulated me and told me to go for a drink :) as did half the world who got my email
• Another co-worker told me that changing my name was Step 1 of operation "I'm single and I'm hot"...Yah right...But thanks for the vote of confidence :)

Ahhh...I love friends. The support is overwhelming :)

Divorced

Well, I'm here. I did it....And you know what? I'm feeling pretty OK. I only cried once, for less than a minute. That was when I went to see Dr. Clive and heard his words of wisdom around how proud he is of me for making it through. But those were tears of...Gratitude, emotional-ness, thankfulness, but not exactly sadness. I'm feeling really....Reflective, but not all that sad. I've surprised myself. I was expecting to be a mess. And I'm not. I'm just.....Tired. It's been a really, really, long road, and it's been emotionally and physically draining.

I am so grateful for the 6 people (including my father) who offered to spend the day with me today. I am so grateful to have friends like that, who are looking out for me emotionally. I'm grateful for the friend who called to check up on me during the day, for my sister who did the same (several times), and for the friend who text messaged me to make sure I was ok. I am so glad to have people like that around me. They make a big difference in my life.

For some reason, I just wanted to do this on my own today, so I decided not to take anyone with me. I wanted to have one day where I could stand on my own emotionally....And I'm so glad I did it this way. It was a perfect ending to a horrible 2 year separation and divorce. Perfect closure I would say. So here is how the day went:

• 8:30 am - Arrived at Courthouse
• 9:30am - Divorce Certificate in hand
• 10am -Had passport photos taken at mall
  
• 10:15am - Went to Driver's license office to change name on Driver's license
• 11:10am - Went to Doctor to have passport photos guarantor signatures done, and to have a little chit chat. Doctor Clive told me he was proud of me, and that no matter how difficult, this was the best move. He's dealt with bipolar patients many times, and he swears it would only have gotten harder living with my ex. His advice from the beginning was to leave, and he gave me his kind words of wisdom, and a big hug. Made me feel a lot better. See? Angels all around me...
• noon- passport office to apply for new passport
• 1pm- Insurance Office to change name on auto, home, life insurance
• 1:45pm- back to Driver's Licence office to change name on Car Ownership since I forgot to do that earlier (moron)
• 2:30pm- Health Card office- changed name on health cards
• 3:30pm- went to Bank #1 to change name on all banking accounts etc
• 4:30pm- went to Bank #2 to change name on all banking docs (be quiet, yes I bank at 2 banks, so kill me)...
• 5:oopm picked up kids from sitter
• 5:30pm- went to visit mom and dad

Is that an insane day or what? All that's left is changing my name on my household bills, and my name at the office, and I'll take care of those tomorrow. I am on FIRE.

When I went to the Driver's License Office this morning, the lady asked me for my signature. It threw me off. I haven't signed my maiden name in 13 years. I actually didn't put any thought around how to sign it. Sounds weird doesn't it? But after 13 years of signing my sloppy signature, it felt a bit odd to find a new signature. The little things we don't think of I suppose.

I felt a lot better after seeing Dr. Clive this morning. He has always been a consistent source of strength for me. He knew my marriage was bad for me. In fact, he knew for years, long before I left. His reassurance was very important to me....I think it was fitting that I went to see him today, and that he was a part of this closure process.

It's funny...At the Insurance office, I thanked the lady for helping me switch back to my maiden name, and she corrected me. "Your marriage is dissolved honey, so if you're not married, it's not your maiden name anymore....Its YOUR name". Wow....How weird. I never really thought of it that way. But she was right. How fitting that I changed it.

So, how do I feel? VERY tired, and not just from today's running around, but fatigue from the past two years of emotional garbage. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me. I am so glad I took the day off work today to do all the name changing. It really gives more closure than doing it a little at a time. And, because I took the day off, I allowed myself the opportunity to feel whatever I needed to feel, without worrying about meetings or appearances. Given, it wasn't as emotional as I expected, but I suspect the calmness about me came from the fact that this was my day to myself, and I wasn't rushed at all. Anything was game.

Surprisingly, for whatever reason, today doesn't feel like an end at all. It feels like a new beginning, like a fresh start. I feel like it's the start of my second chance at life, and that is amazing, because it is not often we get blessed with one of those. I have so much to be thankful for: Friends, family, a home, beautiful children, and my health. It doesn't get better than that.

So- Here's to starting over....And to the ones who support us through our endeavors.

Zoo With the Children

I'm taking the children to the zoo today with Mich and Rich. I am so tired from yesterday's events that I actually would love to just crash today. But, I promised the children, and they woke up jumping on my bed saying "Hoooray! Today is the day we go to the zoo!"....It's not like I can say that we're not going anymore because mommy is just too tired...Sigh. I'm sure my energy will pick up again. Well, I'm hoping that it will.

So, yesterday was fun, but busy. I impressed myself with my ability to put together a 4 dish Indian meal in less than an hour, and it actually turned out ok. I had a fantastic time with my friends yesterday, so I'm glad we did it...But like I said, I need to learn not to schedule too much in one day moving forward.

So yesterday morning I was a bit thrown off. I got up and realized that I had a large bruise under my eyebrow. Basically a black eye. It was from the electrolysis on Saturday I think. I think I moved and she must have hit a vein. A common occurrence during electrolysis. The weird thing was, as I stood in front of the mirror and pulled out all my shades of foundation for covering a black eye, I just couldn't compose myself anymore. It was almost 3 years ago that I last had to bust out the makeup to cover a black eye, and while this one was not related to anything like the past ones, it just really messed me up. I remembered all the past mornings, pulling out the makeup, covering the eye, and I looked at myself, crying in the mirror, thinking 'Why am I crying? This is finally over....'

It's odd how something like a little electrolysis accident can trigger so many bad memories. It actually threw my entire day off....I couldn't shake it, because I kept going to the washroom throughout the day to make sure the bruise wasn't showing, just as I've done many times in the past. Strange, but true.

It's almost funny. I'll be at the courthouse tomorrow to get the divorce papers, and the morning of, I will have to wake up and cover a bruise on my eye. This one is innocent, but still, it just feels so...Sick. And in some ways....Almost fitting. Now that was sick of me to say, but, these are the thoughts racing through my head today. The crazy rantings of Shaz I suppose...Sigh. 24 hours to go. Wish me luck guys....

It's Possible to be Too Social...

I think I need to slow down. Introverts have it right. I spend way to much of my time out and about and very little time at home just resting, and as a result, I'm getting burned out.

I came home at 2am yesterday...And then I was running about today- waxing lady, visiting parents, gym, now I'm beat...And I'm ready to just crash. Tomorrow I've got a lunch event, a baby shower, and friends coming for dinner, and I'm doing groceries in the morning. WHO AM I???

UGH- ENOUGH! I am starting to see some merit in what my ex used to say to me (yes, I know, I can't believe I just said that either). But he would often tell me to slow down, not to be such a busy gal. He warned that one day it would all catch up to me and I would just burn out. I often dismissed his comments and just as much assumed he thought that way because he was an introvert, and I'm an extrovert, and we are just different that way. But now I'm thinking, maybe I'm changing, maybe I'm getting old. But nowadays, being out and about recharges me to a limit, but it's also starting to just make me tired. Hmmm- I wonder what those personality test people would say about me now...

Either way, he was right. I think scheduling one main thing each weekend is more than enough. Everything else can be just last minute stuff, or lazy at home stuff. I mean, this weekend alone I have 5 events. That's 4 too many. And that's why I'm here on a Saturday night, wanting nothing more than to go to sleep at 9pm...Sad but true.

Never Plan...

I planned to have so much fun doing various different activities with the children...Today we woke up and their request was to stay home and play with toys. I don't get it...Kids are hilarious. So here we are, at home. I don't mind one bit...I mean, I have been so totally wiped out lately that spending a relaxing day at home is nice, but I would have thought the kids would have preferred to be out. I think they've had a bit too much activity with their dad lately going to parks, soccer etc, and they just want a break...That's understandable, so I'm not going to fuss with it too much.

I'm so lethargic today, I'm welcoming it. I think there has been a bit more on me emotionally lately than I've been willing to accept. The only thing I can focus on is Tuesday...That's the only goal on my horizon...Everything else will fall into place after that...Or so I'm hoping.

The children will be with their dad as of 4pm today, and then back with me on Sunday. My girlfriend who is also going through a divorce sounded a bit down today, so I'm hoping to head out to spend the evening with her. I've been there, done that, so the least I can do is be there for my dear friends when they need me. I just hope I can help her in some way.

Long Long-Weekend

Today is my last day in the office before the long weekend. We already have Monday off for Canada Day, but since the children are with their dad for most of the weekend, I've decided to take tomorrow off to spend with them. And of course, I have Tuesday off to go to the courts and get my divorce certificate.

My plan for Tuesday is to get the certificate, and then go to the various ministries and have my name officially changed. Yes, I'm doing it. Changing my name, becoming me again, and that includes at work. I'm sure that will make for an interesting email to my colleagues, but oh well. C'est la vie.

I'm feeling ok about everything....This of course, can change at any time...But for now, I'm doing well. Looking forward to everything being final. Then I'll call a few of my friends over and enjoy the moment.

Weather permitting, I'm hoping to take the children for an activity tomorrow, either the Zoo, or the Butterfly Museum, or the ROM. We'll see what ends up happening but that's the plan for now.

Now, if I could just stop procrastinating, and start getting some work done. A few more hours to go to the work day, and I have a ton of things to wrap up...

Do Men Cry?

No seriously. I'm dead serious. I was talking to a male friend last night, and I felt like he didn't feel any emotion on a certain topic. That got me thinking...I don't think I've ever met a man who was truly comfortable crying.

In the 13 years (including the 2 year separation) that I was married to my ex, I saw him cry maybe three or four times, and that's a maybe, and one of those times was a month after I left him, the other was when we signed the divorce papers. My brother, although I vaguely remember the occasional cry growing up, the only adult time I ever saw him cry was when our grandmother passed away. My father, good God- never, I've NEVER seen him cry. My male friends, same thing.

I'm wondering what we as a society have done to socialize our men to the point where they are not comfortable crying? What is the deal? Why are they not allowed to cry? This is horribly wrong, and we need to change it.

I want my son to grow up comfortable with his emotions, comfortable that men can cry and still be men. I myself would like to meet a man who is comfortable crying, comfortable with his emotional side. I'm an emotional woman. I would hate to feel like I'm the only one in the relationship who feels anything.

Where have all the sensitive men gone? Are there any left? How did we create such a tough male gender, and why did we do it? What benefits did we expect to achieve?

Funny- people complain that men aren't sensitive enough, caring enough, emotional enough, but somewhere along the way, I think society as a whole created the situation, which means we all contributed in some way or another. Sad but true.

The Wading Pool

This is why I bought a house instead of a condo. This is exactly why, and I'’m loving it. I purchased a small wading pool for the children. I just inflated it, filled it with water, bought them new bathing suits and here we are. As I'’m typing this, I'’m sitting outside at my patio set, sipping Diet Pepsi while the children splash and play in their new pool. In an hour or so, I'’ll bring out dinner, we can eat out here, then I'’ll bathe them and put them to bed.

I haven'’t finished the laundry, or the vacuuming, and I don'’t even care. I love this.

Why am I outside on the computer, instead of reading a magazine? Well, everything can'’t be entirely perfect. I'’m behind on some reports for the office, so I have to catch up. Still, if I have to spend part of my Sunday on the laptop, I wouldn't do it any other way.

I am feeling pretty relaxed today. Went to the gym, chatted with some friends on the phone, and now I'’m just working away, as de-stressed as I can be when working. Despite the lawn maintenance, the weeds, the gardening, the snow shovelling, I am so glad I own a house, and I'’m so glad it'’s this house.

I know when I look back on my early days on my own, this will be one of the days I remember. Thank God for happy days.

Lunch With the Ex

Well, I had lunch with my ex today. For an hour. Let's just say it was not the most enjoyable experience...But that's how it goes. If nothing else, it was yet another reminder that things between us are so unbelievably hopeless, that divorce was the only good option. As if everything else weren't enough on its own.

So I picked him up at noon and we went to a nearby Thai Restaurant. As much as he said he wanted closure, we spent the entire lunch talking about the children. He wanted me to give him more access and I didn't want to give up what I had. As it is, I already give him more than I have to. We talked about the children's academics, their sports, their schooling. Then he dropped the bomb on me.

We had agreed to send the children to a certain school for the summer. We said we would wait and see how it goes and determine if we keep them there in the autumn. He advised me that he sent written notice to my son's public school that he will not be returning in September, since we found a new school for him. Written notice. Without speaking to me. Without even advising me. And I'm the primary residence and keeper for these children. Does that make any sense? Why do I bother?

Let's just say lunch did not end well. It ended in an argument. As usual. Sigh. Some days, I remind myself that marriage and divorce is so damned difficult, why go through it ever again? I said 'sometimes'.

This evening our daughter had her spring concert. My ex and I were both there. After lunch, that was...Well...Awkward to say the least. Sigh. After hardship always comes ease....Where is the ease???

Anyhow, I'm home now with the children and all is calm and good. They are with me this weekend so I'm happy about that. Here's to having fun on the weekend. I have a ton of work to do for the office, so I will spend time on the laptop after they are in bed at night, but other than that, I do intend to have fun.

What's in a Name?

With the final divorce date being just two weeks away, I've had a lot on my mind. One question that comes to mind (and which has generated a great deal of discussion amongst my friends) is the issue of my surname. When I married my ex, I took his name. With the divorce, it only seems right to switch back to my maiden name. That is, after all, my real identity. There are, however a few issues with that.

Firstly, there is some hassle involved in changing a name. That being said, I've been through enough court time that I'm becoming a pro at it now. Documentation and paperwork is not a big deal. The cost of getting new documents, passport, deed to house etc., is a big deal. Right now, it's not the best time to financially drop hundreds of dollars.

Another issue is that I was married for 13 years. This name has been my identity for 13 years, which is most of my adult life. It includes almost my entire professional life. I've been with the same company/same industry for 14 years, and people only know me by my married name. Changing my name would mean all my contacts outside the organization may lose touch with me. I'm not totally comfortable with that.

Next, I'm not particularly bothered by the married name at this time. The divorce does make me feel like I have no attachment to it, but my children bear this name, so keeping it does maintain the feel of a family unit with them. And for whatever reason, it's not bothering me all that much. Perhaps this will change after the divorce is 100% final in two weeks. My girlfriends swear that I need to get rid of it ASAP, and that it's "sick" to keep it. I'm still debating this one. Changing a name is a pain in the butt, so I'm not sure I'm up to it.

Another friend pointed out that if I marry again, I'll have to change it yet again. Well, this is true IF I decide to take another person's name ever again. I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore. I'm not adamant either way, but if I change it now, I doubt I'll ever want to change it again. Either way, this is a small point, after all, it's not like there's anything happening on that front anytime in the near future.

So- my question is- what's in a name? I mean, it is our identity, but it also has the element of recognition to it, like the professional scenario I mentioned. I wonder- what are the implications of changing a name, and what is the best route to take?

The Court Order

Well, it looks like I got what I’ve been waiting for. I checked the mail today and found the papers from the courts. The papers were a bit confusing, but basically the gist of it is that the judge signed the papers on June 2. My divorce is effective 31 days after that date, at which point I am eligible to go to the courts for an official divorce certificate. July 3 will be 31 days, and July 3 is a holiday here (long weekend), so the first day when I can go to the courts is July 4^th. I will be going on July 4^th. I guess in some ways it’s a bit appropriate that there are fireworks on that date…in the US anyways. In other ways, it’s not so appropriate at all.

Receiving the notice from the courts was a bit of a weird feeling. I hate seeing our marriage date next to the words “effective date of divorce”. It just feels so odd, and yes, it did make me a bit teary eyed. May 29, 1993 was our wedding date. June 2 2006 is the date the divorce order was signed, making it effective July 3^rd 2006. To many people, these are just dates. To me, they are a sign of things lost- my youth, the prime years of my life, my innocence. I’m going to have a much harder time trusting again. I’m not saying it won’t happen eventually, but it will be harder. The only good thing that came from this marriage is my children. Thank God for them.

It’s very sad when a marriage comes to an end. I spent today just wondering how any man could hurt a woman this much. Why was he not able to love me? Why did I waste so many years of my life? Why did I care so much about someone who so obviously never really cared back?

I suppose it doesn’t matter anymore. I spoke to a friend today and he said to remember that this is the start of a new time in my life, and that I deserve to be happy, and that I will be happy. Thank God for the reassurance. Let’s just hope it’s all true.

So my friends, less than two weeks and it will all be official. Thanks for helping me to get here, and for supporting me in my tough moments. I hope I’ll never have to repay the favour (I would wish only the best for my friends), but if any of you need my support for something in your lives, you can bet I’ll be there by your side.

Happy Father's Day!

I got the cutest text message from a friend this morning. It wished me a Happy Father's Day, since I often play the mother and father role for the children. That was totally adorable. And it was from a guy, a father at that. He sent me a text message before I got to wish him well for father's day. I love my friends.

So I had my mom and dad over for brunch this morning. We had a really nice time. They came over around 10:30am and stayed till about 2pm. It was nice to spend the time with my parents. I'm glad we did it. And I think breakfast was yummy, if I do say so myself :)

So, my children have a friend over right now, and then they are off to their father's place in an hour. I had a great weekend with them, and I'm glad we got the opportunity to spend some time together. We've switched our schedules to every other weekend, so I actually get more time with the children than I did before. I welcome the change.

The Bedroom Set

Yippee! It's here! My new bedroom set arrived around 4:30 yesterday. I have been so exhausted. Rich and I took apart the old set on Thursday, moved it to the garage, and then painted my bedroom on Thursday night. We finished around 1:30 am. Gosh I'm tired. I hate manual labour. Painting is not my thing. But I must say, the bedroom set is there, and the room looks fantastic. The walls are the colour of peanut butter, the bedroom set is a mahogany brown sleigh bed, and my bedding is like a red wine colour. My drapes are red wine and gold so it all pulls together really nicely. I'm quite pleased with myself. Now this room will truly be my space. I've waited a year to finish it, but all I need now is a few prints for the walls and I'm done. Hooray, and just in time for the divorce papers. I really wanted it done for the divorce papers. Mission accomplished. I'm expecting the papers any day now...Keep your fingers crossed.

So, the children are with me this weekend. I'm hoping to do some housework, and then take them to visit some friends. We're going to my aunts house for dinner tonight, and then the children are with their father tomorrow evening for father's day. I'm also hoping to see the Cars movie with them. They are so looking forward to that movie.

Catching Up

I feel like things are going well. My two year separation anniversary on June 9th came and went without any drama. Thank God for that. I managed it just fine. I spent some time with an out of town friend this weekend as well. That was nice, and pretty relaxing.

Right now, it's late, and I am still at the office catching up. I guess things just kind of piled up lately, but I'm plowing through it, so that's a good sign.

Every day that I go home, I check the mailbox to see if I received anything from the courts. So far, I haven't received a thing, so I guess that means I'm still officially married. I am really looking forward to the final closure. The opportunity to put it all to bed once and for all.

I've been doing a lot of things around the house lately. OK That's a lie...I got a friend to come and help. We assembled the patio set, hung up a mirror, I'm going to paint my room this week, my new bedroom set arrives Friday (I am so excited), and I want to do some work on the garage/porch. It's nice. It feels like everything is settling quite well.

I got an email from my ex last week. He said that he's ready for closure. He wants me to pick up the last of my stuff (we never divided our book collection, and family photos), and then he wants to move out of my area. He wanted to know if I would have lunch with him one last time as closure for him. I agreed. I am all for closure. I feel like I got mine when we signed the papers. His will come from moving out of my neighborhood. Either way, its looking good. Keep your fingers crossed.

June 9th Marks Two Years

Today is June 9th. It was exactly two years ago that I left my ex. It was so long ago that it all seems a bit hazy now. It all seems so long ago, so unreal, like it was a horrible dream. But, the date is embedded in my mind, and I refuse to forget the events. It is, after all, a reminder to myself that I do have a backbone, that in the end, when the chips fell, I did do the right thing, and that everyone is capable of taking care of themselves...If they truly want to.

So, here it is- the story about June 9th. At this point, my ex had been diagnosed bi-polar, and he was refusing to go on his meds, despite my pleas. I had waited for him to come around, to change his mind, but that never happened. I stayed in the house, and in the marriage, hoping that he would eventually come to his senses and take his meds. I was delusional enough to allow myself to believe that if he went on the meds, everything would miraculously change...The temper, the abuse, the attitude, the employment problems, the spending. I thought wrong. Nothing changed. At the end of the day, it is just as hard to keep a bipolar man on his meds as it is to get him to start in the first place. They basically don't believe they need them, and you as their spouse will be confined to a lifetime of ups and downs as they go on and off their meds.

So, I got home that night around 6pm from the office. I came home and saw my son sitting in the kitchen reading a book. It was soccer night. I knew he shouldn't have been home at this time. My son was only 4 at the time.
"Honey- what are you doing at home? Don't you have soccer tonight?"
"Yes, but we're not going"
"Why not"
"Because I was bad and now my dad's mad"
"What? What did you do that was so bad?"
"I didn't eat dinner"
"Ok- so what did you do that was so bad?"
"I didn't eat dinner"
"That's it?
"Yes"
"OK- So what happened?"
"My dad got mad and tried to choke me"
"WHAT? Oh MY GOD!"

At that moment, I felt all the blood drain from my face. I could feel my heart beating so hard I thought I was going to pass out. I felt dizzy and nauseated. I was frozen and couldn't move. I looked up and saw my ex coming down the stairs....

"Shaz, baby I'm sorry..."
"Sorry? Sorry for what?"
"I didn't mean to...."
"To what? To what? To hurt my baby?!"
"Look, I stopped..."
"Stopped? Stopped before what? Almost killing him?"
"OK- I know you're mad...Look I'll go on the meds"
"It's too late..."
"No really, I'll go right now...And buy them..."
"It's really too late. I had ONE RULE. Just one. NEVER the children. You crossed the line with me too many times....But I told you- NEVER my babies. Today you hurt the babies. Today I leave..."

Everything else is really hazy. I remember running up the stairs, grabbing suitcases, and filling them with clothes from the closet. I remember grabbing handfuls of toiletries and throwing them in the suitcase. Toys, diapers, baby bottles, money, makeup, everything went in the suitcases. The whole while, my ex was in the background begging me not to go. I felt sorry for him, and at the same time, I felt intense responsibility to protect my babies. The sense of responsibility ruled over everything else.

An hour later, I had packed all my luggage into the SUV, had the kids strapped in the car, and I drove out of the driveway. I knew at that moment, that this was final. I was not coming back. I would go to my parents' house and tell them everything. I would tell them the truth. I would set myself, and the children free. Free from the abuse, free from the dysfunctional life, free from it all.

During the drive, my phone rang. It was my mother in law. Apparently my ex had called her and told her that I had left. She called me to 'talk some sense into me'. She told me that I was being too dramatic, that my ex said he would go on the meds, so what else did I want, that in her day, they beat their kids black and blue, and they turned out ok. That's when I stopped her. That's when I had my say. For the first time in 11 years, I had my say.

"How can you possibly say that they turned out OK? You raised an abusive man. That is not ok. And don't call me a drama queen. Don't call me anything at all. If you and everyone else could get rid of your paki mentality, maybe you would see what I'm going through. I am NOT coming back. This is OVER. And how dare you suggest that it's ok for me to subject myself and my children to further harm? Your whole family is in desperate need of therapy"

I have never been so rude to anyone in all my life. And a mother in law at that. But really- I was very emotional, and really furious at what I was hearing. In hindsight, I guess telling her that she had "paki" mentality was one way of burning a bridge. I had been respectful to her for 11 years. And I let it all out, all at once. How disrespectful. How stupid. How liberating.

I drove on to my parents home. Got to the front, pulled in the driveway, unloaded the luggage and rang the doorbell. My dad answered the door, looked at me, looked at the luggage, and asked where the kids were.

"They are in the car"
"I see..."

He called my brother, asked him to take my luggage to the guest room, and advised me to take the children and put them to bed.

"Then you come down and we will drink tea. You will get some sleep, and we will talk in the morning".

I did as he said. I spent that evening sitting with my dad, his arm around my shoulders, sipping tea, and not once being forced to talk about it. I love my family. Thank GOD for them.

The next morning, I called my boss. I told him what had happened, well at a high level, and told him I couldn't come into the office. He told me to take a few days and sort it out. That was blessing number two. Thank GOD for my boss. He is so understanding and awesome. I truly believe he is a large reason why I am doing so well today.

Then, I called a lawyer. I went to see the lawyer. I started legal proceedings for separation, custody, and division of assets. The next few weeks were comprised of legal meetings, court dates, and me running like chicken with its head cut off.

But I did it. I'm here. It's two years later. I have a home, a new and independent life. I have my health, I have my children, and most of all, I have my family and friends and those who love me close by.

Thank you all for your help and support. Thank you all for getting me here. Thank you all for saving me. God Bless.

NEVER mess with a mother

Today after I picked up the children we were spending some time outside in the front of our house. My son was riding his bike and my daughter was watering the flowers. There were some kids playing street hockey around the corner from us. My son would ride on the sidewalk to the end of the street, turn around and ride back to our house (all in visual range of course). Then, all of a sudden, he dropped his bike at the end of the street and came running back to me, visibly scared to death.

"Mommy, Mommy- the boy playing hockey just said that he was going to kidnap me, take me to his house and KILL me!!"

"WHAT?!"
"Mommy- I'm scared"
"WHICH BOY?!"

Let me clarify this for everyone. I am a MOTHER. When something happens to my babies, when someone threatens my babies, it brings out the toughest in me. I'm usually a calm person. I'm usually very composed. This however, was completely uncalled for.

So, I walked to the end of the street and went up to the group of boys. I approached the one that my son pointed out and asked him:

"Hey- did you say anything to my son?"
"Yes- I said hey - you"
"Are you gonna tell me the truth or are you gonna expect me to believe the lie?"
"Well I said I was gonna take him to my house..."
"I think your exact words were I'm gonna kidnap you, take you to my house, and kill you..."

Silence. Then, I guess he realized that his friends were watching and decided to show off major attitude. He gave me some eye rolling face. That REALLY ticked me off.

"Listen kid. Don't be rolling those eyes at me. Listen to me and listen really well. You are not to approach my son again. If you so much as go near 10 feet of him, or breathe a word to him, I'm going to haul your pathetic butt off to jail. What you did is threaten my son. That's also bullying. There are laws in this country against that, and those laws don't give a damn that you're under 16. So trust me, don't you DARE mess with me or my son again. You got that? And don't you roll those eyes at me."

"Yes ma'am".

"That's better. And another thing. If I so much as hear that you bullied another kid, I'm gonna come back to have another chit chat with you. You got that? Don't be threatening little kids or pushing them around. This doesn't apply just to my son. If I see you doing or saying anything like this to anyone again, I won't let it go this easily. Kapeesh?"

"Yes ma'am".

And then I walked away. I must admit. I did feel a bit guilty. But what the heck? Threatening to KILL my son for no reason at all? Come on! I know it might have been a slight over-reaction. I would have gone easier on him if he didn't do the eye rolling thing. But really, he would have just done this to other children. When I got back in front of our house, my kids came running up to me hugging and saying "you're the best mommy in the world. We can tell you anything and you always make it better". I guess that will last a couple more years :)

I just hope my children never grow up to be the ones picking on little kids. I hope I'm as tough with them as I am with the ones picking on them.

I did leave today's conversation sure of two things:

1) That kid will think twice before picking on someone else
2) If my kids encounter another bully, they will be telling me about it

Well, not bad for accomplishments. I know I could have been softer, but still, I think it turned out ok, for now at least...

Terrorism in Toronto?

Well this is just great. I think we knew it was coming. I've met enough freaks in my day with weird enough views that I'm not totally surprised. That being said, I am really not looking forward to the backlash that the Torontonian Muslim Community is going to get as a result. In many ways, I'm glad I don't wear the hijab anymore. I know- sounds harsh. My hijabi friends are reading this and cringing, probably thinking I'm a traitor (sorry guys)- not a traitor, just stating my opinion. Sigh. Truth be told, the hijab was never for me. I feel like myself again, and I have no intentions of ever going back.

Anyhow, I got the email today from someone respected in our community, reminding us to talk to our children because of the questions and potential crap they will face when they go to school. Double sigh. In many ways, I wonder if I should bother, or if I should wait and see if they come home with anything. Why put them on the defensive from the get-go? I mean, for sure, there are people out there who will read up on the attempted terrorist thing and talk about those "damned Muslims" at home, and when those kids go to school, they may pick on some Muslim children, but....Is it wise to prepare children for that up front, or wait and see if it becomes an issue? I think I'm going to disagree with this...I'm going to wait and see what happens. If my son comes home with a complaint, I'll have the chat, AND go to the principal with the name of the kids who tease. If nothing happens, I get to avoid making my son super hyper sensitive and defensive. Sounds like a plan. God I hate being on the defensive. I'll avoid it at all costs if I can.

What a Week

It was a busy week. I got caught up on a lot of stuff at work. I'm still not caught up- funny how we can have a tendency to fall behind. But I'm getting there.

I have the children with me this weekend. Mich's son is sleeping over tonight, I've got a birthday party to take my children to tomorrow, and some friends are coming over on Sunday to take the children to Chuck E Cheeses. It should be an interesting and busy weekend. If I get a chance, I'd like to go and visit the friends who just had babies, since I didn't get a chance to do that yet either.

I'm getting tired again....Funny how aware I've become of what that means and the patterns my body presents to me. When I start to feel this way, it means I'm close to burning out...Again....So I'm thinking of planning some vacation time in the next few weeks....Maybe I'll go away with the children for a few days.

I came to a realization over the past few weeks. This one is a tough one to write, because it means being really candid...But here goes. I just realized...I've been in one relationship in my whole life. I met my ex when I was 14, and married him at 21. That's all I've ever known. He was abusive and controlling, which is not real love. That means I'm 34 and I've NEVER been loved by anyone, except family and friends, but that is different. It's a weird feeling. When I thought about this, it all of a sudden made me feel very sad, and lonely, and somewhat pathetic too.

I think I'm ready to move on and meet new people. Cautiously, but ready. It's been 2 years of crap, and I think it's time. Monday May 29 would have been my 13th anniversary. Since I'm still technically legally married, it's all weird. You know what they say about lucky number 13...

On a good note, I just got fantastic news from my ex today. He's decided to move out of my neighbourhood. He's going to move about a 15 minute car drive away, if all goes well. I've got my fingers crossed. Yippeeeeee....Thank you GOD! No more stalking...maybe this means he will leave me alone... New Beginnings indeed!