With the final divorce date being just two weeks away, I've had a lot on my mind. One question that comes to mind (and which has generated a great deal of discussion amongst my friends) is the issue of my surname. When I married my ex, I took his name. With the divorce, it only seems right to switch back to my maiden name. That is, after all, my real identity. There are, however a few issues with that.
Firstly, there is some hassle involved in changing a name. That being said, I've been through enough court time that I'm becoming a pro at it now. Documentation and paperwork is not a big deal. The cost of getting new documents, passport, deed to house etc., is a big deal. Right now, it's not the best time to financially drop hundreds of dollars.
Another issue is that I was married for 13 years. This name has been my identity for 13 years, which is most of my adult life. It includes almost my entire professional life. I've been with the same company/same industry for 14 years, and people only know me by my married name. Changing my name would mean all my contacts outside the organization may lose touch with me. I'm not totally comfortable with that.
Next, I'm not particularly bothered by the married name at this time. The divorce does make me feel like I have no attachment to it, but my children bear this name, so keeping it does maintain the feel of a family unit with them. And for whatever reason, it's not bothering me all that much. Perhaps this will change after the divorce is 100% final in two weeks. My girlfriends swear that I need to get rid of it ASAP, and that it's "sick" to keep it. I'm still debating this one. Changing a name is a pain in the butt, so I'm not sure I'm up to it.
Another friend pointed out that if I marry again, I'll have to change it yet again. Well, this is true IF I decide to take another person's name ever again. I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore. I'm not adamant either way, but if I change it now, I doubt I'll ever want to change it again. Either way, this is a small point, after all, it's not like there's anything happening on that front anytime in the near future.
So- my question is- what's in a name? I mean, it is our identity, but it also has the element of recognition to it, like the professional scenario I mentioned. I wonder- what are the implications of changing a name, and what is the best route to take?
3 comments:
But it's not just a name anymore, is it? The fact that you took it symbolizes the marriage; should it remain after the marriage is gone?
I say no, but it's easy for me to say that. I'm 1) a guy and 2) not you.
It's your choice...just make sure you're choosing for the right reasons. Avoiding a hassle doesn't seem like a great one. ;-)
I agree with the above and your girlfriends. It's a little troubling that you didn't change it back right after you left him. It seems like you still want to hold on to some kind of connection with him. Almost like you want him to know that you kept it. Let it go... when you're ready.
You were you before you met him and married him. THAT is your real name. People will respect you for wanting to get that back.
And from a religious point, you should keep your maiden name even if you remarry.
Thank you both for your comments. Like I said, I'm still debating it, but the recent input from my friends does have me thinking I should just change it. Anonymous, I'll assume you're Muslim since you're well aware of the fact that Muslim women are NOT supposed to change their names when they marry. Yet another reason for changing it back and setting things right I suppose.
As for wanting him to know I kept it, I have to disagree with you there. Just to clarify, I no longer have feelings for this man, except pity. He has no bearing on my decisions. I was thinking of my children's reaction and impact on my career as primary deterrents...otherwise I would change it now...well, that and financial reasons to avoid the change. I'm not up to shelling out alot of money right now.
Like I said, I'm still contemplating it...but I am leaning towards changing it back. Thanks guys, for your input!
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