A recent conversation with several friends brought me to this topic. One friend was chatting with me a few nights ago and she said that my biggest problem is that I'm too nice to people and I let them get away with too much. In her opinion- when you let people know you care about them and you don't show them your tough side, you are giving them a ticket to use you as a doormat. Interesting perspective, I suppose. I just never thought that all people would do that....Use you as a doormat I mean. Recent experiences in my life are starting to teach me that she just might be right about this. It may be possible to be too nice. I'm not saying that I'm the nicest person in the world, but my girlfriend from the office who advised me to be "nice, but with a backbone" may have a point. I asked her today if she thought I was too nice and she said yes. Hmmmm....Who would have thought it would ever become a negative thing?
So, now I'm going to learn to have a backbone. One friend suggested that I treat everyone like I would treat a professional relationship. That means I'll be nice and cordial, but you can't walk over my territory without hearing something or another. The funny thing is, my "work personality" is somewhat forced. I love coming home and escaping from it. Now I'm being told I have to adopt it and embrace it as my own. Wow- that's huge.
It's not that it can't be done. But it does mean that I will be changing who I fundamentally am. I just got to a point where I actually like myself too. Sad. Life is so brutal. And all this to avoid having my heart trampled on by more people. To avoid being taken advantage of, to avoid all the pain.
I had some friends over on Saturday night. They were actually evaluating my life (funny how the world seems to get a kick out of psycho analyzing my mistakes). My friends gave me some advice that I am still debating. They said that if I ever decide to move on in a relationship, don't ever be too nice. If I'm too nice, it's an open invite for people to treat you like crap. Given, my few experiences have taught me this, but I'm wondering if it's true. Do people really value you more if you have a strong backbone, and moments of bitchiness? Is it true that if you're "too nice" you will lose out in the end, every single time?
Don't get me wrong- I'm not rushing to get into a relationship or anything, but I think at this point in my life, where my feelings for my ex are over, I've come to terms with the divorce, and I'm happy and settled, the next logical step is to evaluate whether or not I want to move on, what that would mean, and how to avoid my past from repeating itself. So- develop a backbone and learn to treat people like crap once in awhile? Develop a backbone I get. I get it, I can try it, but it will be hard. Treat people like crap so they value you just sounds childish and wrong. But who am I to judge? My track record doesn't exactly speak for itself, and even recent situations have taught me that if you're too nice, people just don't appreciate you. OK then- let's aim for the backbone. If that doesn't work, I can bring in a little bit of the salty side :-)
2 comments:
Well my friend, interesting advice, but what about the fact that if we get burned too many times, maybe it's our personality that allows us to get burned? Isn't it possible to be too nice, and too trusting?
In a ruthless world, people that trust too easily or that let themselves get walked over get taken for a ride over and over again....that's what I meant. I think we all reach a point where we have to protect ourselves from harm...feel free to disagree :-)
Changing a personality is very complicated and difficult, but isn't it sometimes necessary? Thoughts?
I agree. You need to be tough to not get trampled on. Even the nicest person in the world *will* trample on you, if you're too nice and you let them.
And only you can protect yourself. You have to see the world for what it is. There are all sorts of people out there. You have to be realistic and not just blindly optimistic/positive. The smart people know when to stay away from the meanies and just how to protect themselves without losing an ounce of integrity.
And, do you not want your children to learn from your example and stand up for themselves?
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