Oh Hooray. I'm officially a statistic. Well, this is disappointing. Divorce is something that I always thought would happen to others, but never to myself. I watched other dysfuntional people, and told myself 'that will never be me'. I've now learned that we don't always have control over these things.
One of the truly dismal things is that I don't really think the divorce rate has much of a chance of getting any better. People have just too much of an immature approach in relationships. They always see an 'out' and are often ready to use the door. Very few people are willing to work hard. Of those that are willing to work hard, many lack integrity and maturity. It's very sad. At the end of the day, it takes a strong person to face someone and say "this isn't working for me, and here's why" rather than to throw in the towel. But we have been conditioned to throw in the towel and move on whenever we can.
So these days, I'm looking at things and thinking- where have all the mature people gone? I mean, I don't want to sound arrogant, but I'm hoping I'm one of the relatively mature ones, when it comes to dedication, integrity and commitment. But where is everyone else? Why is it so hard for people to conduct themselves in manner that reflects integrity and good character? What is the world so afraid of? Why do so many people fear showing their vulnerabilities?
It's odd that here we are- all human- all with different issues, yet so many of us are caught up in games and appearances. Where have all the good people gone, or do they even exist anymore? I'm starting to lose faith in mankind. I think the human spirit is on a downward spiral, and I don't think people with integrity and character will survive much longer. I for one, am just about ready to throw in the towel on the few things I do manage to uphold. Why? Well, why not- when the world around you suffocates you for honesty, sooner or later, we all learn how to survive, don't we? Unless the world allows us to embrace our vulnerabilities instead of chastising us for them, we will end up becoming people who put on so many appearances that we don't even know ourselves anymore.
5 comments:
While I agree that some divorces happen because a lack of maturity, I think more happen for the opposite reason. My personal belief -- and I have no stats to back this up, it's just me take -- is that some people get married too young, or too quickly after meeting, and as they mature & grow as people they realize that marriage isn't the best thing for one (or both) of them.
Obviously, the presence of kids is a complicating factor, and were divorce somehow magically painless for kids I think the divorce rate would be MUCH higher, but all other things being equal I think that creating some kind of minimum age and/or minimum dating period before being able to marry would probably reduce the divorce rate drastically. But that's crazy.
It's also unnecessary, in my opinion. I guess I don't see divorce so much as a failure as a development. Personally, I'd like to think that the emotional well-being of two people who no longer want to be together would trump the artificial nobility society places on marriage that guilts people into staying together when they're miserable. To me, the real failure would be when one person ends a marriage by betraying their vows, and not when they simply stop believing them.
Then again, I'm happily married, so what do I know?
Interesting perspective. I do agree with you about people marrying too young. I myself fall into that category, having married at 21. About people marrying without getting to know eachother, while it is true in some cases, I'm not so sure about that in others, and here's why. I knew my ex for 5 years before I married him. I was engaged for 2 of those years. That should be enough time to know someone, yet the black eye I received on my honeymoon would tell otherwise.
Another thing is that having seen a culture of arranged marriages, I have seen many marriages work out very successfully with a short 'getting to know you' period. I personally am not a fan of arranged marriages, but I have seen many that have been successful. Given, some of the success can be attributed to the high level of family involvement, as well as the cultural chains, but I also have seen some genuinely good marriages come out of an arranged situation. Many in fact, and I was surprised by this finding.
I love your perspective about divorce not being a failure. It took me 2 years to come to that conclusion, so maybe Dr. Phil should move over and you can speak on his behalf :-)
I had to learn that my initial approach of "I failed at marriage" was waaaaaaaaaay off and that I was better off seeing the positive, that being that "I was successful at caring for myself, and putting value on my own needs and well being". That is pure success, and yes, maturity too. Thanks for the comments Dan.
Dr. Phil is a wank.
Haha! I KNEW you would say that! I had a feeling you wouldn't like him! :-) You are so funny!
Lt. Dan makes some very good points. The emotional pain is often not really referred to--phrases like 'troubled marriage' and 'difficulties' are often used and let's face it, troubles can be faced and difficulties can be overcome, that's how the language works. However when you switch that to talking about the actual feelings involved the whole picture changes. You use words like "desperate" "miserable" "scared" and then it's not so easy to dismiss the desire to divorce.
So let's say that the two people come to some conclusions, and let's say that they can even do it with some maturity. They might see that they could compromise, they might see that they've really just been miscommunicating, or they might see that their desires for life are truly incompatible. If the latter is the case--why are they still together? I've yet to hear a good explanation for this.
I think one of the worst arguments as well for marriages staying together is the 'divorce is too easy' argument. If people were only staying together because the law made it necessary or because in the case of women they didn't have enough money then that means they really didn't want to but were forced to.
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