The Rearview Mirror

Do you ever find that you are continually looking through the rear view mirror while driving forward in life?

It may be human nature to keep looking back, but the only problem with it is that you live in the past. And you have no present. And you lose a lot of direction for the future.

I might be one of those people. I've spent an enormous amount of time focusing on the crap that life dealt me. A friend recently said to me "Your past is a constant excuse that you use. It's like your "out". Shaz...your divorce is 5 years old. You cannot keep focusing on it, nor can you keep focusing on the things your ex did to you. It's time to move forward"....

5 years. I cannot believe it. He's right. 5 years have passed (well, it will be 5 years on June 9). And I am still focused on what I went through. It almost consumes my thinking at times. And really and truly, as nutty as my ex is, things are a million fold better now than 5 years ago.

I have a lot to be thankful for. A lot.

No Daycare...

So I am working from home today. The daycare is closed, school is closed, and I have nobody to watch my children. It was supposed to be my ex husband's day today, but we all know how that panned out.

Thank God I work in a flexible work place. Otherwise, I would be stuck big time.

The kids are doing well. I'm letting them watch some TV so I can get some work done. I also have arts and crafts supplies out so they can amuse themselves. I know, I should be playing WITH them, but I am working from home, and I have work to do. So they have to entertain themselves.

I'm trying to reach my lawyer also and she seems swamped. Where is a good lawyer when you need her?

My ex sent me a nasty email last night something along the lines of me being an extortionist. So let me get this straight....I let you off the hook provided we can manage things peacefully and put checks and balances into the court order to protect the kids, avoiding you getting charged and THAT makes ME an extortionist? Seriously?

The world is a messed up place.

Man...I need to talk to my lawyer....

Science Centre with the Children

I took the children to the Science Centre today. I figured we could all use some down time. I personally needed to get my mind off things and I needed the kids to just have fun. Mission accomplished. I would say they had a good day. Seeing them smile was all that I needed to feel good.

And, while I was at the Science Center, I got a call from a friend. During our conversation, he told me that I am an "awesome mom". I don't know if I believe that, but I have to say that it felt good to hear it today. He doesn't even know what has transpired over the past few days, as he is traveling and I didn't want to ruin his trip. Still, just hearing it was very reassuring. Especially now, given this weekend's events.

Tonight's goal, now that the children are in bed, is to draft the letters to my lawyer outlining this weekend's events and next steps for court.

SIGH.

Taking Matters into my Own Hands

I had a lot to think about over the past few days. This was really and truly a tough one for me. The children wanted to protect their dad as much as possible. I wanted to protect the children. On the one hand, there is the side to me that says that the best protection for the children is to keep their dad away from them. On the other hand, I know full well that they love their father, and while keeping him away would physically protect them, it would emotionally hurt them. So my only solution is to find an option that helps facilitate a healthy and safe relationship between the children and their father. Ironic that I am the one working so hard to achieve this.

Along these lines, if I press charges against my ex for his recent conduct, two things would happen.

1. I would potentially lose the children's trust because they asked me not to
2. He would get charged

Now at a surface level, it looks great for me, and for my court case if he gets charged. But on another level, if he gets charged, it will impact his ability to find employment. Which will impact the conditions he lives in when the children are with him. Which impacts his mental health/state of mind. Which directly impacts my children's well being.

Another thing is that the last time I called the CAS, they did nothing. The police let him off with a warning. The CAS refused to even go to court for me. They gave him 6 months of supervised access and them let him off scott free. They achieved nothing at all. So it's really a tough call. And if I don't call them, I look negligent. But I need to protect my children.

So I took matters into my own hands. And I handled it my own way. Here is what I did:

1. I photographed the bruises
   
2. I called a close friend and had him come to see the children. He inspected the bruises and spoke to my children and heard their stories first hand. He will email me to document the incident and if ever the need comes up, I can ask him to sign an affidavit.
3. I spoke to my ex and got him to send me a written confession of what he did. I told him that I did not intend to use it to press charges, but I did intend to use it for court IN THE EVENT that he denied any wrong doing or tried to position himself as a "changed man". So if we go to court, he either has to agree to a treatment plan, or I get to tell the court that he hurt the children yet again, and let the court decide. His written confession is my proof that he admits the events did occur.
4. I told my ex he is not to see the children until further notice. Meaning, he has to commence seeing a psychiatrist and I want reports that he is in weekly therapy/or under medication. Once I get reports, his access can resume
5. He is to take anger management and parenting courses.
6. He is to agree to the assessor's recommendations at our May court date. Meaning, he has to consent to my getting full custody, to his need for a psychiatric treatment plan as a condition to his access to the children and he has to agree that I have the right to revoke his access should his conduct be detrimental to the children. And, the court order will be police enforceable.
   

He agreed to my terms. Really, he didn't have a choice. If he decided to go against them, I would have called the police.

So, I think in my opinion, I got as much out of it as I would have if the CAS were involved. In fact, possibly more, because they have been most unhelpful in the past.

And I avoid a trial. Which means May 16th may really and truly be the end of all this.

And really, he is better off this way too, as he won't get charged. But he has to bend and accept me as the full custodial parent.

Overall, I think the children will win. Their father will be forced into a treatment plan which is good for them. I will have the authority to protect them as I see fit. (Also good for them). They have a chance for a healthy relationship with their dad. Also good for them.

I'm hoping the kids are best off this way.

Some of you will judge me for not calling the police. But what would I achieve? I would win the court case by a landslide, but my ex would be mentally worse than ever. And that wouldn't be good for the kids.

Walk a day in my shoes everyone. Then and only then will you understand my predicament. I just hope I made the right decision. I will call my lawyer on Monday and see what she says about all this.

But either way, I have a clear conscience. I have been really and truly trying to act in the best interests of my children. I made some tough decisions. From my own perspective, after everything he did to me, I would have loved nothing more than to have him charged. After all, I should have had him charged 15 years ago. But that would be me acting for myself. I really believe that the children are better off this way, and that's why tonight I will sleep well. My conscience is clear.

The Cycle Continues...

Ironic that just yesterday I was writing about abusive men, and now this...

Today I went to pick up my kids from the daycare and I noticed a bruise on my son's cheek. I froze. This totally felt like deja vu. I asked him what happened to his face. He said that he fell off his bike and banged into a pole. I said that it was an interesting story but that a pole doesn't leave a mark like that. The mark after all, looks like finger marks.

I'm sorry guys. You know my history. I was an abused wife. You can't pull that "I banged into something" crap with me. I used those lines for 11 years. I know them inside out and I can smell a rat a mile away.

So I ask my son if he would like to tell me the truth. No comment. So I ask if anyone hurt him. He whispers "My dad. But he told me not to tell you. He said you would call the police and I would never see him again. He said you would make us go back to the Children's Aid Centres and we hate that place. We want to give him one more chance. He said he was really sorry".

So this is a lovely predicament.

Do I:

• Bust the man's sorry ass by calling the CAS and having yet another social worker and yet another policeman come to see my children? Doing so will mean that the children won't get to see their dad for some time, will blame me for it, and will likely not trust me with information the next time they need to turn to someone. I know I am the parent and I have to look out for them, but I also need to build their trust. I don't want him to get away with this, and at the same time I know this is his pattern. He needs to be stopped or he will keep doing this.
• Document the issue via email to my ex, email to my lawyer, but not call the police? If I do this, he gets away with it, which is totally unacceptable, but the children trust me the next time they have to confide in someone. And what if (God forbid) the next time it is something bigger/worse?
  
• Call a doctor (I tried, but they are closed for the long weekend). Note that a doctor/walk in would call the CAS, so if I go this route I might as well just call the CAS myself. Mind you, if I wait until Monday, the bruise will be gone, so whatever I do will have to be done tomorrow.
  

My head is spinning right now. I am totally enraged at what has happened. I'm leaning towards calling the Children's Aid Society in the morning, and dealing with the children's backlash (anger towards me) afterwards. In the meantime, my ex called me. I took the call and told him off. I basically told him that:

• He will not be seeing the children this weekend
• His conduct is unacceptable. I left our marriage to protect the children and I fully intend to continue doing so.
• I told him that I have no choice left but to call the authorities in the morning.

He of course said he was sorry, don't call the police, we can work this out, blah blah blah.

I told him I need to think. But in the meantime, if he wants me NOT to call the police, he can send me an email documenting what he did to our son and what steps he intends on taking to make sure it doesn't happen again. That way, at least I have it in writing, should I need it in court.

He was quiet. I told him either he sends me the email or I call the police and he has until morning to decide.

Honestly, we go to court again May 16. I really don't need this crap in my life. I thought things were just starting to take a turn for the better. Unfortunately, it looks like this is the reality of my life.

Damn the stupid courts for doing nothing. And the stupid CAS has done nothing in the past (which is why I hesitate to call them and expose my children to their useless bullshit that goes nowhere and does nothing but add grief to their lives). And the police have not helped. After all, they are the ones who did not press charges last time. So he got off the hook, my kids went through hell for nothing, and my ex walked.

If I call them again, will they just do the same? Will it be unnecessary grief for nothing again?

Everyone sucks. The system sucks. I'm so frustrated right now.

Interviewing Abusive Men

I watched another Oprah episode tonight. OK I PVR Oprah so I watch them later on, which is why sometimes my blog posts are not aligned with the show of the day...

Anyhow in this show, she interviews abusive men. I actually feel physically ill just watching this. The guys on this show are totally disgusting, and they talk just like my ex husband. I'm hearing things like:

• I feel bad when I hit her, but I lose control. I just black out (ya right, black out from what? Your assholeness??)
• I get tunnel vision when I get mad and I just lose control
• I feel the need to get in control and the easiest way is to take control of my wife
  

I mean come on, these people are in serious need of therapy. And one girl on this show is still with her husband. She says if he hits her again, she will leave. I mean, this girl is ME. She has been in the relationship for years, and for some reason, she is riding the "one more chance" wave. I say no more chances. He won't change. Leave while you can. Keep a packed duffel bag in your closet with a change of clothes, a credit card, some cash, some toiletries. I did that. It was that duffle bag that saved me when I finally left. Think about it. When the day comes when you do leave, you likely won't have the time to pack your things. So if you're in an abusive relationship and you are planning to leave, keep a packed bag ready and waiting. I even kept cash in my desk drawer at the office in case I needed it.

Anyhow, there was another point that got to me. All of these men had witnessed abuse in their lifetime. Some experienced child abuse, most witnessed their mothers being abused.

So what about my children? They experienced abuse. My 3 year old son once witnessed his father hurting me. Will he grow up to be an abuser too? What does it take to break the cycle of abuse? Will a mother leaving a bad marriage and teaching you that abuse is unacceptable be enough to break the cycle? Did I do enough to break the cycle for my children, or will they still need help?

It's a tough call. I mean, they seem well balanced, and they are very well aware that our marriage ended because of "how their dad is". I never told them he was abusive, but they know how he was with them, and they know he had to have done something very bad to me for me to leave. And when they get older and ask, I may just answer. But is that enough to stop the cycle? To have one parent who is adamantly against any form of violence? I certainly hope so. Otherwise, I won't have accomplished everything I was hoping to accomplish when I left. Yes we are physically safe, but I need the children to be emotionally safe, as children, and as adults.

SIGH. The things that keep me up at night...

Friends with the Caretaker

Over the past few years, I have had the opportunity to get to know my children's school staff very well. Over the most recent 2 years, that also includes Violet, the school caretaker/janitor (I don't know what the politically correct term is, but you know who I am talking about). Recall that my son has ADHD. What that means is that on occasion, especially when he is not on medication (like at this time), he will forget things at school. Homework, textbooks, gloves, shoes, the works. In the case of homework, I get the joy of making late evening trips back to the school, getting the custodian to open the classroom door and sifting through my son's desk until we find the missing work. Sigh. The oh-so-many-joys of parenting.

Tonight, at 7:30, I went to the school and went through the routine. We went through my son's disaster of a desk, in which I found his last assignment. The one I took 4 hrs to do with him. And also the one (so he tells me tonight) that he couldn't find, forgot to hand in, and consequently got a zero on. Double sigh. Oh the joys of raising a child with ADHD.

So I leave the assignment on the desk and come home and email the teacher. Hopefully he will see the assignment and give him partial marks? I am so tired sometimes of doing all this work, packing backpacks only to have the child lose the assignment IN HIS DESK. Come ON!

Anyhow, the homework is now done, the email has been sent, and life is normal again. My son has lost some privileges, which I feel bad doing because of the attention deficit, but I feel I have to do or he will use it as his excuse for life. He may have ADHD, but that is an explanation, not an excuse. It means that he needs to work harder than other children at being organized. It means he needs a stricter routine, and yes, it may mean the medication is the solution. It means when he is off his meds, his desk will likely end up in disarray, but it also means that he needs to strengthen the skills so he can do a better job of keeping on top of it.

I will go back to the pediatrician in June and see what the next steps are with respect to medication. But in the meantime, he has to do better with organizational skills. We can't let everything keep sliding.

Anyhow, thank God for the caretaker. She just smiled and said "Little boys. Some need reminders to stay focused, and others don't. But all little boys are good kids". She reminded me that it happened a lot less this year than last year, and that he is a nice boy with a good disposition.

Silver Lining. Thank you Violet. For your patience, and understanding.

Something for me...

I think it's been years since I've done something for me. It's funny...as a single mom you get so caught up in doing the work, that you never have time for yourself. A friend recently asked "so what are your hobbies?". Truthfully, I felt kind of sad. I mean, I don't have the time for hobbies. I try to go to the gym 3x a week (OK, I end up going 2x cuz I don't have the time). But I don't LOVE it. I go because I kind of have to.

I enjoy spending time with friends, but I don't call that a hobby. I enjoy shopping, but that's not a hobby either. And I watch Oprah. That's my life. That and of course the children. I'm not saying I'm a bore. I mean I've dated, I have great friends, but I don't have a hobby.

So this week, I signed up for a (don't laugh) belly dancing course. It's something that I've wanted to take for years. Really. Like 10 years, but never had the guts to do it.

And I loved it. I suck at it, but I loved it. What fun. I should have done something like this a long time ago. I'm probably the only girl in the class with zero rhythm, but it is loads of fun. Nothing like 20 girls in a class laughing their butts off while, well, shaking them too :)

I've decided that when this is over, I'm taking another class. Maybe belly dancing. Maybe something else.

Hooray for hobbies :)

Oprah's Show on Domestic Violence

If you go back to a man that hits you, it is because you don't think you are worthy of being with a man who won't. If you are raised to really love yourself and think you are a wonderful person, somebody hitting you is really offensive to you.

-Oprah Winfrey

It was an interesting show. She talked about some of the key signs to look for:

• Guys who are nicer to you in public than when you are in private (the world thinks he is great, but you know he is not)
• When you get paranoid that he will love someone else
• When you are blamed for all his problems
• When he has a super nice side and a super dark side (they are never 100% bad 100% of the time)
• If your partner vets who you can hang out with and who you can spend time with
• Threats "if you REALLY loved me you would have done xyz"
• Making you feel guilty for everything
• Insisting on sex all of the time
• Reading your text messages

But you know, all these signs aren't always there. I think the key is that something has to feel wrong. If you know you can't talk about it with your family/friends, it's wrong.

And you know, the bigger issue is that there is so much judgment around domestic violence, even towards the one being abused. The abuser is seen as a jerk. So if you are hoping that you will work things out, you won't tell others because he will be tainted for life. The one being abused is seen as pathetic, with no self respect.

All around, it's a rough spot to be in. In my opinion, you need to be confident about a few things when you leave:

1. He won't get better on his own
2. He will hit you again
3. This is unacceptable to you
4. Your safety comes first, not matter what it costs.

When a woman realizes these things, she will be better prepared to face the battle when she leaves. And yes, it is always a battle...

On Second Marriages

Second marriages, or even long term committed relationships after a divorce are really tricky. As a person, you are scarred, and somewhat (or in my case, majorly) jaded from your first experience. Trust does not come easily and love, well, real love is difficult because your guard is permanently up. The second time through, you are so fixated on getting your order right, that you may not see what is happening around you. And sometimes, when the order arrives, you realize that you didn't have it right, and you start to wonder if you even know what you want to order.

In my community, when I got divorced just 5 years ago, I was one of a rare breed. I didn't know many other divorced desi women, and certainly not any with children. I had to face the judgement of a community, the pity, and the disgrace upon my family. And at that time, sadly, I still felt that having a husband next to me would define my success. So I started my search for a long term relationship, met a wonderful man, and thought "see, I am worth something, even if I am divorced".

But here is what has changed. In 5 years, I have grown independent in some ways. I am stronger in many ways, and emotionally dependent in others. And the judgement? Well, it's no longer there. I am no longer one of a rare breed. As (quite sadly) marriages crumble around me, I am finding one thing that works to my benefit. I am no longer "that divorced girl with the children". I am me, a part of a larger, growing group of women, and surprisingly, I am now respected. Respected because the community knows I am a good mother. Respected because I am not freeloading off anyone. Respected for being independent. And yes, respected and appreciated by my children.

I no longer need the man crutch in order to face society.

That brings another question. What do I really want?

I want a meaningful relationship that is about us. I want one that allows me to keep myself, to be the independent woman I have grown to love, while nurturing the emotionally needy side of me too.

I want someone who understands me. But I am not willing to gamble my life again. I had one new beginning. I will not risk this one to start a new one. Marriages are hard enough. In fact, they are work. Lots of work. And they are risky. Very risky. In a world where the divorce rate is 50% for a first marriage and even higher for a second marriage, second marriages are a very risky venture indeed.

So when do you know when to gamble, and when to cut your losses? It all depends on your risk tolerance. And here is what I know about myself. I am risk averse. I am not willing to gamble on something that is not a sure thing, or something that adds risk to my already delicately balanced life.

So whatever I do, wherever I go, it needs to fit into the new me. The me that is independent. The me that likes her alone time and loves her hang-out-with-good-friends time. The me that likes to keep some of her finances separate. The me that doesn't want to be questioned when disciplining the children.

The me that I am growing to love.

Even when I make mistakes, or bad choices in life, I know I will be stronger because of them in the end.

March Break in NYC

I took the kids to NYC for March break. They had a nice time. I on the other hand, came back very tired. But that's another story.

One thing that was most noticeable to me was how quiet Manhattan has become. It's a ghost town. Seriously. I was on Wall Street near the AIG building at 3pm on a workday and I was the only person on that street for like a block. I mean, we are talking WALL STREET. I think we as Canadians haven't fully grasped just how lucky we are not to be hit that hard. Keep your fingers crossed everyone.

Anyhow, I ended up doing a lot of touristy things, because it was the first time my kids were there. They had fun, and I guess that is what really matters. I had other emotional matters to deal with, and I'm getting there. Like I said, that is another day's post.

I have never been happier to be back at work than I was today. I'm SO GLAD to be home again. I love my bed, my job, my home, and you know what? My life is not nearly as bad as I sometimes allow myself to believe. Yes my ex is a dumbass. But things are slowly getting better. Each month is better than the last, and it's probably the first time in years that I can say that.

So for now, I'm just going to count my blessings and learn to be content.

The Sharing Club

My daughter came home today with a story about what a horrible day she had at school. On Friday, she was telling me about the "sharing club" her desk-mates started in school. They got out some pencil cases and pooled all their school supplies together. I thought it was kind of cute. Today, she came home and told me she had a rough day, that the kids decided to end the sharing club. She then went on to tell me about how mean they all were and how they were talking about having a party and not inviting her, basically isolating her from the group. My first instinct was to agree- those kids are mean! I felt offended that someone could be so cruel to MY daughter. And then I decided to listen more. Ask more questions.

So why were they all mean to YOU? What happened?
They all ganged up and acted mean for no reason at all. I think they are just mean bullies. I never want to go to school again!

Why did they end the sharing club? Was it one person who ended it? Why didn't the other 3 of you just keep it going?
They all ended it for no good reason.

How did this all start? Let's try this in steps. What was step one? Was everyone working?
Yes. And I was just trying to do my work.

What do you mean "trying to do my work", did you not want to play with them today or something?
No I was the last one finishing my school work and they were talking. That was step one. So I got mad and told them to be quiet while I finished and I made a mad face. That was step two. Then they got mad at me and ended the sharing club and told me they didn't want me to play with them ever again. That was step three.

Right. Now I get it...the story starts off with her as the innocent one, but maybe there was some room for improvement on her side!

So why did you get mad at them? Could you really not focus, or were you feeling left out that they were done first?
It's not fair that they get to have fun while I have to finish my work.

So, do you think you were feeling a little left out or jealous maybe?
Left out, but not jealous.

Hmm. That must have been difficult for you. Is there anything that could have been done differently to make it all better?
They could have not ended the sharing club.

That's true. I have to agree with you there. But why do you think they did that?
They were mad at me for getting mad at them.

How do you feel?
Mad and sad.

Hmmm. I'm sorry honey. I wish I could help. Is there anything we can do to fix things?
I could try saying sorry (OK guys- when she said this, I was thinking WHHHAAT? YOU DIDN'T APOLOGIZE FOR GETTING MAD AT THEM???)

That might help. Good idea Mary! That just might do it. And, is there anything else we can try next time, maybe to avoid this from happening again?
Like what mommy?

I don't know, maybe next time you need to concentrate you can try to say "Is it OK if I please have one minute to focus and finish on my work?"
Yeah, if I did that they might not have ended the sharing club.

True. Might be worth a try if you ever need to focus next time. Good thinking Mary! And hooray! You have a solution for tomorrow!
Yes...I'm going to apologize. Thanks mom. Do you think they will put the sharing club back?

I don't know honey, but I do think it is worth a try...

Learnings for today:

1. When your kids tell you a story, listen really carefully.
2. When your child tells you about how they were wronged, make sure that they didn't miss something that they did to contribute to the situation.
   
3. Don't be quick to assume that the other kids are the ones being unfair to your child.
   
4. Let your child feel like he/she is solving her own problems.
5. Let your child own the problem
6. Coach your child around how to fix the problem.

Now if only I could do for my life what I teach my daughter to do for hers. I need to take my sharing club problems to someone!

So Far, Not Going to Court is Not Working...

I've been nice. I've tried to avoid court. I've tried working with my ex to save money. I've spent tens of thousands on legal fees already. But it just doesn't seem to end.

We had a mediation session to see if we could try to settle out of court before going to trial. Our lawyers were both there. We were there. The assessor was the mediator. The basis of discussion was using his report and recommendations as a starting point. And it went pretty much as could be predicted.

My ex started off by saying that he would like to dispute both main decisions. IE- That I should not get full custody and that I should not be allowed to go to NYC. Thank God for the assessor. He interrupted and told my ex that we should all leave and just go to court, that he would not compromise his report and that his suggestions were a starting point for discussion, meaning small negotiations, but not up for debate.

Then my ex made the following demands:

• If I go to NYC, he would get even more time in the summer with the children. Meaning 6 weeks instead of 4 weeks. I complied.
• If I go to NYC, he wants the right to come 2x each month to visit the kids. I hesitated, and then agreed to it, mostly because I felt that if he was willing to go out of his way to see the kids, and since they are his kids, I shouldn't stop him.
• Then he wanted ME to pay for his trips to NYC. My answer- no bloody way. I mean, I have visions of the jerk billing me for first class airline tickets or something. I don't bloody think so.
• Then he requested NOT TO PAY child support. This was insane. Then my lawyer pointed out that he doesn't pay child support today. She pointed out that it sounds like I'm giving up alot, but am I really? She pointed out that he hasn't paid support for a year. He is for all purposes, a deadbeat dad. He keeps getting fired from one job to the next, and pays $800 a month for a car but can't find support money for his kids. And because he is a contract worker, his salaries are not easy to garnish. I had a really hard time with this. And then in the interest of not going to court, I hesitantly agreed to consider it.

And then to my surprise, he said he wanted time to think about it.

When I spoke to Mr. NYC that night, he was shocked. He could not believe that a dad would actually not want to pay support. And here is how great Mr. NYC has been- he said "Shaz, I have NO PROBLEM supporting your children. I promise to treat them as my own. If this is the route you want to go (meaning not taking child support), I'm here. I will support you 100%, no matter what you decide". My heart melted.

Then the next day, my ex called me. He says "IF you want me to settle out of court, then you have to SWEETEN THE DEAL for me more, FINANCIALLY. Meaning, I want more money from you". What? Are you fng serious? I just let you get away with no child support you good for nothing worthless son of a bitch. And now this? Seriously, some men should be forced to be castrated. They shouldn't be allowed to father kids, because they have NO CONCEPT of responsibility.

I took a deep breath and told him that he could take his request and shove it up his ass. I will see him in trial. And by the way, there isn't a court in the country that will let him get away without paying child support. He had the best deal on the planet and he got greedy. So GO TO HELL. I am NOT AFRAID and I will see your sorry ass in court. His answer "Oh, so you're going to take a gamble and assume that the courts will let you move to be with your beloved NYC guy?"

Hell ya. Lemme think about this. You beat the kids, you don't pay child support, you're documented as mentally ill, off your meds, and you stalk me. Oh ya and a seasoned professional recommends to the courts that I get to go as it would be IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN. I would say I have a pretty good chance of getting to where I want to go. See you in court buddy.

NO MORE MERCY.

I am so beyond disgusted.

Male/Female Relationships

I have a lot of male friends, and so I've had the luxury of observing men for a long time. I've learned a few things that are almost always true of just about every guy I have ever known.

1. Men are always drawn to the most beautiful girl in the room. They might say "looks are not important, personality matters more", but at the end of the day, the sexier the girl, the more they are drawn to her. It's harsh, but it's true, because men are superficial for the most part.
   
2. You will have to give up your guy friends one day- Guys will get really excited when they start dating, and they will lose sight of the world around them. Trust me on this, I've known a lot of men, and over time, this has always been the case. When they need you, you're their best friend. But best friends are replaceable so easily, especially when there is another girl in the picture. Single men make awesome friends. The best ever. But guys in relationships are not the best of friends, unless their current relationship is a well established one, like it's been around for years. With single male friends, you ultimately have be prepared to step aside for a few years when they meet someone. And then, one day, when (or if) they need you again, they will come back to you and tell you how much they missed you, what a great girl you are, and how you their best friend ever. So, the problem with male friends is that their friendships are not the ones that can last a lifetime. No girlfriend will share her guy and no female friend will ever be worth holding on to. So you have to be fully prepared to give them up one day. A male can very seldomly be a female's lifelong friend. Men can be friends with females for periods of time, but that's pretty much it.
   
3. The girls they marry are often different than the ones they date. Now I don't know why this is true, but it is 100% true. It's like they can date a girl for a pretty face, or to fool around, or as an arm trophy, but when they marry, it's a different kind of girl. As a woman, you have to ask yourself which girl you are, and which girl you want to be. No judgments, because marriage etc is not for everyone. In my experience, the way your male friends treat you will tell you which girl you are. If they think you are a flirt, you will find out. If they think of you as respectable, you will find that out too. Just observe their behavior. It's very telling, and a good learning.

Really, my experience in life, and I'm coming to a real turning point I think, is that men and women cannot really be close friends. See, something always goes wrong. Either her presence around too many men will scare off potential dates, or feelings will develop between her and one of her male friends, or she will be seen by the world as one big gigantic boy toy and the world will fail to take her seriously.

So the problem is, what happens if you're one of those girls who just doesn't fare all that well with female friends? Females are, by nature, very catty, manipulative, competitive and often times they are not sincere. Now I'm not saying ALL women are like this, but I have seen many in my day. I personally, have been one of those girls who fared better with male friends than female friends. I do have a handful of the best female friends that this world has to offer, but I also have double that number in male friends.

My personal issue is that my male friends either scare away the guys who would otherwise be interested in me, or their presence sometimes makes the world think I'm just a flirt, or they meet someone, get self absorbed, and I kicked to the side. While I should see this coming, historically, I have not, and so I get a shock each and every time it happens. DUH! The mature thing to do is to accept this as part of life. After all, nobody has twisted my arm into keeping these friends. These were my choices, and so the consequences are mine to bear.

So how does a girl reconcile these issues? One thought I had recently was gay men. I have a few gay friends. Those relationships are deliciously between female friends and male friends. You get the shopping buddy you get in a girl, the compliments you get with a guy and no competition, no cattiness, etc. A nice balance indeed. And here's the good news- they will never hit on you. It's a 100% safe relationship!

I'll stop my rant. This new year has been a massive year of change for me, especially where friends are concerned. I learned some "truths" about many friends I was not expecting to learn, but for the most part, I think the learning has been good for me. I've learned about 5 sets of friends and the lessons have, for the most part, been good for me.

My horoscope said that this was going to be my year of personal learning, and self development. I would say my horoscope for the year was right.

The Doormat

Doormats are one of the many things we take for granted. Think about it. Doormats are relatively cheap, and they are easily replaceable. They serve a good function. We wipe our feet on them before we enter our homes so that we don't bring dirt into our living space. And over time, one use after the next, the doormat wears down until eventually it starts to fray and then falls apart. Then we go out and buy a new doormat, without even a second thought.

And then, there are people that are very much like doormats. Actually, they allow themselves to become doormats. I think I am one of those people. I am dependable. I am always there for my friends. I am often taken for granted. People often feel they can mistreat me, knowing full well that I will be OK eventually, because I will forgive their indiscretions and move on. They feel it's OK to ask me to take care of them, to give them an ear, to do things for them, to build resumes for them, to cook for them, to care for them, to drive them around, to listen to their whining until obscene hours of the night. And then, despite all that, they feel it's OK for me to be kicked aside according to their schedules, expecting to be able to welcome me back according to their schedules. Because Shaz is cool. Shaz is dependable. Shaz is, after all, the ultimate doormat.

But it doesn't work that way. It shouldn't work that way. I am tired of being a doormat.

You see, abuse comes in many forms. It's not just being punched in the face and thrown down a flight of stairs. That is the obvious abuse. But abuse can be emotional too. It can be as simple as being mistreated emotionally, or as big as being mistreated physically. But here is the thing. We take physical abuse seriously, and minimize emotional abuse. Here is what we don't think of. The average bruise takes 6 days to heal (trust me, I know what I am talking about). How long does an emotional bruise take to heal? Trust me - it can be weeks, months, years.

Emotional abuse is harder.

So who do we blame? Ultimately, we should blame the one who is abused.

There is one thing that can stop abuse. And it's not selfishness. It's self respect.

A selfish person is the one who will put themselves above everyone else. They are the ones who profit by treating others as doormats. None of us should aim to be selfish. On the other hand, a person who has self respect will care for others in the way they would wish to be treated, but they will not allow themselves to be anyone's doormat.

So, if you find yourself being the doormat, the missing link in the equation is self respect. Self respect will allow you to walk from disrespectful relationships. Whether it is family, friends, lovers, whatever. And not only will you walk, but you will walk without feeling hurt, because you will know you did it for the right reasons. The truth is that if you have enough self respect, you will know how you wish to be treated and you will not allow yourself to be mistreated. Nor will you pathetically run back to those who mistreat you.

In my experience, this does not mean that we don't forgive. But it does mean that we don't forgive the same mistakes over and over again. And especially not if those mistakes come from the same person.

So, along the theme of great learnings around friendships, I am adding the self respect goal to my goals for this year.

No more being the doormat. This will be a damned good year for my personal growth. Let's see what I evolve into by the end of the year...

Time...

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.

I find life interesting. We go through phases in life. Some are better than others. But no matter how you try to re-create something from your past, you cannot do it. When a chapter in your life ends and a new one begins, that is both and ending and beginning, but never a repeat.

And you can never re-create the past. You can have the same players in a situation, the same context, but never the same ending.

So enjoy each moment as you live it, learn from the lessons you are given, and cherish the happiness while you have it.

Life is about the journey, not about the end result.

A Weekend on my Own

The kids are gone to their dads. It turns out they will be there for the next 4 weekends. I had to give my ex two of my weekends in exchange for his March break time with the kids.

So here I sit...

I had good intentions. I felt like going to the gym. But I didn't sleep well last night...went to sleep at 4am, woke up at 8am, so the gym is out of the question.

I feel too tired to get up and make breakfast. I think I'm in a lazy mood. I had other good intentions like cleaning the house, doing my paperwork, but I don't feel up to that either.

Thankfully, my sister will be coming by today, so I will have some company. Maybe I will gather up enough energy to make it to Starbucks for a latte to wake me up. A good friend mentioned Red Bull the other day. I've never had one, but if there was a time to try it, this would be a good one!

Today I am just exhausted. Mentally and Physically. Sigh.

On the plus side, I picked up a pink Netbook yesterday. I didn't have a home computer and it was time for me to get one and stop using the office computer. Next step-to get all my personal crap off the office computer and onto this one. Hoping to get to that tomorrow...

Hot and Cold Ex Husband

My ex husband is so often all over the map. It confuses the heck out of me. One minute I'm getting nasty emails, the next minute I get crazy displays of affection. Don't get me wrong. I prefer it much more when he is pleasant, it's just that I never know what to expect. Will the real personality please stand up so I can plan my life accordingly???

Today we were at my son's appointment together. We were both surprisingly civil. It was actually a big relief. We walked out to the parking lot together. Just as I was leaving, he asked me how the kids behaved on our trip. I told him they did really well. I told him I started the trip with ground rules. Do two hours of homework on the way there, and two on the way back, and the rest of the time can be used for TV and video games on the plane. It worked marvelously. They complied without arguments.

I looked up. He smiled. And then he said, "See, it's so easy to see why they love you so much".

HUH?

I looked at him suspiciously. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I really get why they love you. It's easy to see. You're good with them".

"Ok. Well, thanks for the vote of confidence. Take care."

Total twilight zone.

NYC in March

I just booked a trip to NYC over March break for myself and the children. No, I have not given him an answer to the marriage question. I've decided that I want to see how the children (well all 4 children, including his little ones) fare living together for a week. Let's see how that goes.

I know- I have taken the longest time to make a decision. But you see, if he was coming here to live, this would be a no-brainer for me. I would say yes and we would be fine. The issue for me is packing up my life and starting over in a foreign place with a crappy economy to boot. I mean, over here, I have a job. And a house, and family. Over there, I start from scratch. It's not the person, it's the circumstances.

I will figure all this out eventually. In the meantime, off to NYC!

No More Meds

Well this was an interesting twist. I took my son for his appt with the pediatrician today. We wanted to do a checkpoint of how things went with him off the meds. To be honest, the first 3 days were a bit hairy and then they tapered off. I spoke to the teacher and he didn't see a massive change. He saw a drop in focus in SOME subjects but not all. My son gained half a pound which is good because he lost too much weight while on the meds. And he is much more pleasant.

The doctor's suggestion- leave him off the medication indefinitely. I was really shocked to hear this. He said to come back in June with the report card and we will decide if we need to put him back on at that time. I asked why the decision, and he said that aggression is NOT a good side affect. That we don't want to ignite Oppositional Defiance Disorder while trying to treat Attention Deficit Disorder.

In my mind, I think the tidbit of information I shared about the dad being bipolar may have had something to do with it. I'm going to do more research, but my guess is that maybe there are other longer term side effects with Adderol that may not be good if the genetics have the potential for other disorders, but that is just a guess.

In the meantime, I'm OK with him being off the meds, just a bit shocked. I guess there is no harm in watching over the next few months to see how he does in school. If we need to put him back on meds, it won't be adderol, it will be the other medication.

More updates in June I guess. I've got my fingers crossed, hoping he does OK without them.