Bad Behaviour Wins Again

This court process and the process of acquiring documentation and so on made me realize something. The worse one behaves, the more he intimidates those around him. If one can manage to behave badly enough, he will eventually get his way because those around him will either be to embarrassed to deal with him, or too afraid of him.

I have two people in my life who have expressed that they will not help me. The reason? My ex acts out. He either acts crazy and does stupid, embarrassing things that normal people wouldn't do like lash out at people by contacting their extended families, coworkers, and friends and getting these people involved. Or he gets angry and then becomes a threat to others. People don't want to be at the receiving end of his craziness, or of his temper. I guess they don't want the guilt by association, and naturally they don't want to get hurt or have their family or friends hurt.

This leaves me in a bit of a predicament. After all, if I need the help of those around me, I either have to find people emotionally strong enough to stand up to the jerk, or courageous enough to handle him if he lashes out. There are not too many of these people around, and fewer in the desi community that has witnessed everything firsthand. Desis by nature like to hide their dirty laundry. They hate having others talk badly about them. They hate controversy. They are the first to turn a blind eye. So what ends up happening is that people like myself end up SOL.

Interestingly enough, I've found support from the least expected sources. Two of them were close to me, and so their supported was somewhat expected. One source was a most unexpected person who has the most to lose, but had the courage enough to know the consequences to me if she didn't step forward. For this, I will be eternally grateful. But at the end of the day, it is sad to see that some are, well, influenced by my ex husband. I understand it, but I don't agree with it. Here's why- as long as the jerks of this world get to intimidate people, women in situations like my own will never be free. And our friends and community are actually contributing to the problem.

I had a friend who recently filed for an annulment. She is a practicing Christian and according to her beliefs, she cannot remarry unless she has an annulment. In order to get an annulment, she needed people to testify to the Christian group around the events that led to her separation, and what she considered to be a divorce (she has now re-found her faith and needs the annulment as a result). When I went in to testify, they explained that it would be tape recorded and he would have my name and info. For a split second, naturally, the thought crossed my mind that 'hey-what if he comes after me?' but only for a second. After that, I realized 'too bad. That's what the police are for. I'll deal with that when or if it happens'. Unfortunately, it's not that cut and dry for everyone, and we don't have the right to expect it to be. We all live differently, and have different priorities. Our past experiences shape us and our thinking. Nobody can slight another for this.

I actually for the first time understand why we are supposed to speak out when we see a wrong doing. If we don't speak out against an injustice, it's like we supported it. Or, in this case, facilitated it to continue.

If women are left high and dry when they need people to come forward to speak out, then I think the community needs to "own" part of the reason they are down in the first place. In my case, I'm lucky. I have a few people around that won't let me fall. But there are others who will protect themselves first, even at the expense of children. Like I said, I understand the decision, but I don't agree with it.

Imagine a woman who has a limited network. Imagine if she has one or two friends who know the details around what an abusive husband did to her. Now imagine that the husband threatens to do something to those friends if they speak out, and so they don't. The woman now has to suffer as do the children. She has no way out. Who do you blame? The ex? The friends? Society? The system?

It's an interesting dilemma. I'm one of the lucky ones, because despite those who turned away, there were a few willing to help. What happens to those that have nobody left to help?

For the first time, I'm realizing the true complexity of the issue. It's scary, and it's one that I don't quite know how we as a society can resolve. Perhaps restraining orders need to apply to women, and their friends, and the families of those friends? I'm sure some would say this is too big a violation on a person's liberties. Then again, should we care about the liberties of jerky abusive husbands? How can we help women who have been abused? How do we protect those that are willing to help them?

Great Wolf Lodge

I took the kids to Great Wolf Lodge this weekend. They had a total blast. I'm glad we were able to go. I actually booked it months ago so we could take some time to ourselves, and paid for it a few months back too, before all this court stuff started up. I have to say, the timing was perfect, cuz I needed the break too. And time to play at the water park was perfect for the kids.

I also took the kids to Ripley's and they totally loved it. I was a bit afraid that they might get bored there, because it is more like a museum (you read stuff and walk around), but they were great. We got home tonight (we were only gone for one night), but I am so exhausted. Right now, I am letting the kids stay up late to watch the Antz movie with me on TV tonight, but I'll have them in bed soon. After they are asleep, I'll have finish off some paperwork for the upcoming court case.

I'm off work next week, so I have a bit of time to mentally prepare before we file our responding documents, but since my lawyer wants all my stuff by Tuesday, I have to get the finishing touches in tonight.

Never a dull moment.

Served at Last

Not by me, but by her. I'm so glad. He deserves it. Shame on him for beating up women. I'd like to see him pick a fight with a man his own size. He wouldn't dare. That's because he is a total coward.

I spoke to his (almost) ex wife. He has been served her documents for divorce and yes, the emergency restraining order that got granted two days ago. I have a lot of respect for her. She's a hundred times smarter than I was. I stuck around for 11 years. She walked after four months. He was just as brutally abusive to her as he was to me. She made the same mistake as me and didn't press charges, but at least she had the sense to leave and get a restraining order. I had one when I left him in 2004 but stupidly enough I lifted it after he went on his meds and seemed normal again.

Would you believe he threatened to have me killed? I mean- told his wife that he wanted to hire someone to kill me. Told her. His wife. That he wanted to have his EX WIFE, the mother of his children, killed. How stupid could a man be?

Sigh. I'm hoping that this will soon be over. I go to court Sept 13. He won't get served my documents for another week. That will only be the beginning. I think I have a year of court dates ahead of me. Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers. I'm going to do this right once and for all.

Oh and pray one for Fatima too. She just might be my new hero. She had the courage to do what I couldn't do. I know full well what she went through. I went through it too. Nobody deserves that. Nobody.

Just Watch the Game, Crackerjack.

He sends me hostile emails demanding that I make sure I show up to the soccer games. I get text messages, I get voice mails. I get harassed. He copies his lawyer. Why the hell doesn't the lawyer tell him to back off? My guess is that his lawyer is a crackerjack too.

So I go to the games, with the kids. He shows up. He tries to layer on the public displays of affection to show how great a dad he is is. Pull ease. I'm about to puke. Do you remember to display that same affection when you're beating on my children? You're a jerk.

Anyhow, buddy comes to the game, waves at the child who is playing and then picks up the other child and walks away. Like last week, he took my daughter FROM MY LAP and walked to the park to play. I am left with two choices. Turn into psycho bitch in front of everyone, or keep silent. I keep silent.

But here is what happens. The child who is playing gets sad. "Mommy, why doesn't he watch my game?" I don't have an answer. I can't say the truth. The truth is that he is a jerk who is coming just so he can harass me, stalk me, and try to gain extra time with the other child. Or maybe just to prove a point. It has nothing to do with wanting to watch you play soccer.

Sad. Why can't Mr. Crackerjack just watch the freaking game? Why can't he be normal for just one day? Is that too much to ask?

Mattel Recall

I just spent 20 minutes going through the Mattel site. I am not impressed. I mean, they are handling it as best as they can, but to be honest, this is my little girl. We didn't buy some cheapo toy, this was Mattel for Pete's sake. She played with that Polly Pocket Snow Hotel for a long time...with her brother! Both of them! I mean, I can go and pull all the parts together and ship it back to them (once they send me the return info), but man...this is just way to scary.

It does give their brand quite the hit though. I buy Mattel cuz its supposed to be best. I won't see them that way anymore, even though we all know mistakes can happen to the best of us. But even knowing it wasn't deliberate, I still feel that it wasn't cautious enough.

It will take a heck of a long time for them to earn back their reputation with me. I guess that eliminates half the toy market. There was most definitely a quality control issue, and although it is ultimately Mattel's fault for not managing the quality...I wonder if poisonous paint would have been used in the US or Canada? It's possible. For now, the main thing I'm hearing is that going after cheap labor costed us something here, and that still falls on Mattel. (Funny how none of these parents take issue with the fact that there are actually KIDS making these toys for other kids- that should be an issue too).

I know we have recall on North American made products all the time...it's the poisoning point that I'm having a major issue with at the moment. Had they been just loose parts, I wouldn't have felt so strongly...

I know- I sound unreasonable. I'm just annoyed and venting. I have the creeps from thoughts of my kids playing with stupid polly pocket and then eating with those hands. I tell them to wash first, but sometimes, kids put their hands in their mouths etc. ....I know...being paranoid. I'll stop.

The Daily Show did do a funny spot on the topic though. All that stuff about the Chinese kids deliberately poisoning our lazy, spoiled, North American kids...hilarious.

Where did the Summer Go?

It's a tough one when you can actually look at two months and wonder what the heck happened to them. My children have been off for July and August. They go back to school in two weeks. My little baby girl starts grade 1 and all of a sudden has anxiety over the fact that she's never been to public school. I decided to take the last week August off. My first day off is next week Friday, and then I'm off for the following week, and for the first day of school. My agenda- let the kids do whatever they want.

I was going to plan "day trips" to the zoo etc, but I realized that they have been in summer camp- they've been doing all those day trips every day without a break. When I pick my son up from camp each day- he asks if he can go home and play outside with all the other kids. That's what summer vacation is supposed to be about, and they don't get to do it. I think I'm going to spend the last week at home, with the kids, doing whatever they want. I can read with them, I can fix the garden/lawn while they play outside, they can run in the sprinkler, play in the sandbox, or we can go roller blading. I'm looking forward to the downtime myself. It's been really busy at the office and I haven't had much breathing time since I started my new job. As interesting as it's been, I would love the time just to veg out. And, I plan to take my kids to school on their first day, pick them up, bring them home, and learn all about what they are doing.

On other fronts, I think things are going OK. I'm starting to realize that it will take me about 3-5 years to pay off legal fees for this court battle. It's unfortunate, but I don't see much of a choice at the moment. Let's see how that goes. I'm hopeful that it will go well, but I'm not a lawyer. It's been slow moving up until now...we don't even have a court date yet, but it will come up soon I think. Keep your fingers crossed and wish me luck. The more things get closer to going somewhere, the more I start to realize that the system has failed me on so many fronts, that it is a bit foolish to think it will help me now. But I am human, and so, I keep hopeful...

Is God Really that Good?

This is the question from my little guy tonight. Here is the background and reasoning behind his question.

He started off by asking how much "power" God has. I told him it was infinite power. God can do anything, even miracles. He proceeded to ask what is important to God. I replied that it's important to him that we conduct ourselves in a manner that is "good" and that we do everything we can to adhere to the "rules" that we are given- no lying, cheating, hurting others etc.

See, I don't think I'm fit to answer these questions, because I don't even think I know the answers myself to be honest. This has been a long path, and I seem to have taken the ultra scenic winding route to get here. I've gotten lost many times, and yet my journey continues. So how can I give suitable or appropriate answers about faith and God to my 7 year old boy?

Anyhow, I told him that we believe in God's infinite mercy. He looked at me for a second and said "Nope. You're wrong".

UM- OK- unless someone came and gave you, Mr. 7-yr-old, the cheat sheets to the Bible/Quran/whatever book you believe in, I really don't think I'm that wrong. But ok, why do YOU think I'm wrong?

"Why's that honey?"

"Because if God were that good he would only let goodness happen. And if he is that good, but he lets badness happen, then he isn't that powerful, because he didn't stop the badness. So either God isn't that good, or he isn't that powerful. Which is it?

Oh...my...God. Deductive reasoning from my 7 year old. I REALLY am not equipped to handle this...

Um- honey- what are you talking about? Honestly, he is good, and he does have infinite power...

"Ya right. If he were good, would he give a boy like me the meanest dad in the world? Wouldn't he use his power to stop all the mean things he says and does? Yes he would. But he doesn't. So he's not that good at all. And he doesn't protect us."

"Sure he does..."

"Nope- because I still cry alot cuz of my dad".

"He sent me to protect you. And that's what I've been doing. And I'm doing my best to make sure that you are always protected. You have to help me help you honey. If something happens, then you have to tell me so that..."

"That's it? He makes you protect me? Why can't HE protect me? Why doesn't he just freeze my dad when he's going to do something mean, or make his brain think like a nice person? Why doesn't he do something? I'm a little boy. I can't stop my dad. But God can. And he chooses not to".

I really have no answer for my son. I don't. Because I've been there. All those nights that I spent crying from the pain of the bruises, I asked the very same question- why did He allow this to happen? And I was just as angry then. The anger is going away now, but every now and then it resurfaces. And I'm seeing it in my son, and I have NO clue how to help, or what to say. After all, the real issue here isn't about God. It's about my son feeling unprotected, unsafe, and somewhat alone. It's about a man getting away with things he shouldn't be allowed to get away with and this reaction to God, this is just my son showing his frustration, and using his reality to shape his understanding of justice within the world.

And to think- my ex's lawyer says that I'm being mean spirited, and that I'm trying to manipulate the children by not letting him have more access. Yes, please...let's give the man more access. I can only imagine what kind of crap my son would be thinking up in that case. Like he isn't getting messed up enough as it is.

Sometimes I do wonder when God will answer our prayers. Tonight a little boy showed his loss in faith. I'm hoping something somewhere soon will help us bring it back. I think right now, all my eggs are in one basket. This court case JUST HAS to go my way. Keep your fingers crossed. Oh and a prayer or two wouldn't hurt, either...

Lunch with Syd's Girlfriend

I had lunch with Syd's girlfriend today. I have been putting this off since December. I'm not sure if the delay was deliberate, or subconscious, but I've been meaning to meet with her forever. We have kept in touch via email on a weekly basis, but we never got the chance to meet. Perhaps I just wasn't ready before. Today I felt much more ready.

She is lovely. I can totally see why he loved her so much. I really admire her strength of character. In the time since his death, she has kept in touch with Syd's kids, relatives, and friends. She has done everything she could to understand him, to respect his decision and to try to move on. I'm not sure if given the same situation I would have been able to do the same.

I do know that there was much more to him than I ever thought. I didn't know about his depression, that it had lasted so many years. He was great at hiding it. He was the one that kept the level head, that people turned to with their problems. I don't think any of us knew how tormented he was. Between her explanation of his last days, and the things that I know about him (both of which are very different), I can definitely see the pressures he was under, and how it must have been tearing him apart. He confided in me, but only to a limit. He confided in his girlfriend about other things, different things, but only to a limit. I wish one of us could have seen this coming, or that somehow both of us could have met earlier, pieced together the jigsaw puzzle of his life with the different information around his last days that each of us had, and perhaps helped him sooner. Then again, I'm not sure either of us could have stopped him. He was one stubborn man...

I did realize something else too. All those times I talked about my ex's behaviour. I need to be more careful. I told him "Who goes out and goes for a jog/walk at 3am? CRAZY PEOPLE!".... Little did I know that HE was one of those people going for walks at weird hours of the night to clear his head. I knew he had a lot going on. I knew about his emotional pressures and financial pressures. He spoke about them to me on many occasions. I knew he wasn't doing well. I just didn't realize that there was this whole other side to him. All those times I talked about my ex in detail, all those depression stories I told him, all the judgement I had in my voice.....if I had known, I would have been more careful what I said and how I said it. I guess that's a life lesson. I mean I knew him for 10 years, and we were SO close. He was one of my dearest friends. But I guess even when you know someone, you never fully know them, so you have to be more sensitive around the things you say.

Syd knew all the details of my life. The abuse, my ex, even about Mr. NYC (to my surprise, his girlfriend was happy to hear that things are still going well with him). I guess Syd shared much of my life with her, and I'm actually glad. It shows how much he cared. She knew about my ex, the abuse, the kids, my fears. Funny how much he knew about me, and how despite how well I thought I knew him, I really missed such a big piece of who he was, and what he was going through. No, not funny...sad, actually. He was here for me, but I wasn't really a source of enough support for him. I did try though. I was going to take him to the EAP, he just managed to find his own way out of it...

I still haven't gone to the cemetery, and I don't think I want to. I think I have as much closure as I'm going to get. I'm not going to open the emotional floodgates again. I think they need to remain closed for the next while.

Rest in Peace my friend. You were a wonderful source of support, and I wish I could have done more to help you. I will continue to pray for you.

Chillaxing

I had a decent weekend. I mostly did work, but I did it all at my own pace. I worked on some personal paperwork for most of the weekend, and spent the bulk of the day re-organizing my closet, going through clothes, and purging out things that I held onto for sentimental reasons. I'm feeling pretty good, but still pretty tired.

The stress herbs that I have been on are awesome. I feel like I'm handing life alot better. I feel calmer, and I'm sleeping at night. The weight loss (mostly from the diet) and the elimination of the acne is pretty awesome too. I'm loving this. Let's hope it keeps up...

The kids came home safe and sound. They seem a bit more uprooted than usual, a bit edgy etc, so I'm spending the evening at home to give them a sense of calm.

I got a letter from my ex's jerky lawyer on Friday. They actually had the audacity to say that my ex is a great father, and that the CAS cleared him on two occasions, so the only reason I am trying to give him supervised visits to the children is because I'm mean spirited, vindictive, and that I am likely coaching the children into being afraid of their father. WTF is that all about? I was seriously ticked off. And then I realized that of course they are going to say that. They have nothing else to say, and they can't have concrete evidence, because it isn't remotely true. Mr. Abusive can't escape his own actions this time.

Just wait...cuz I have a game plan. Part of that plan involves patience. My ducks will be in a row soon enough if all goes well. I feel this is my last chance to save and protect my children, and I have been working diligently at just that. And yeah, any more of this crap and I'm going to start going on the slander/defamation of character front and nailing them for that too. But like I said, I'm still calm at the moment. And it's been serving me well. My lawyer once said to me that if you give a man enough rope, he'll hang himself. I think she was right. My crazy ex husband just can't help himself. No matter how hard he tries, his natural crazy side comes right out, and the world gets to watch, and I get to take notes :)

So here I am, Sunday night, on the couch, laptop on lap, legs stretched out, blogging. This is nice. The children are just a couple of feet away colouring in their brand new colouring books and being the total picture of serenity. I love it when they get along like this. Thankfully, that is most of the time.

I'll start putting them to bed in an hour or so. In the meantime, I'll go finish the laundry. No more chillaxing...it was fun though.

Movies Movies Movies

This was my marathon movie weekend. On Friday, my team had an afternoon off at work, and we had lunch/movie/dessert. It was nice. I spent a bit of the morning on the phone with my lawyer, and with the school making sure the children arrived there safely, but I have to say, the afternoon was great. We saw the transformers movie, which I think was quite well done. I had a nice time with the guys (I work on a team where I'm the only gal, but that's not why it was a nice time :P).

On Friday evening, I picked up the children from my mom and dad's place (I had my dad pick them up early for me so my ex couldn't get at them). They seemed fine. Later that evening, my son and I had a chat. I told him that the only way I could protect him from harm was to do what I have to in order to make sure that their dad doesn't hurt him. I told him that his dad would never have gone to jail, that I was just calling because I didn't know where he was and I went to the police because my kids were gone when they weren't supposed to be. The police were just trying to make sure they were OK. That was all. He seemed comfortable with my response. I was a bit worried that he might make the deduction that if he doesn't want his dad in trouble, he should stop telling me stuff. Fortunately, that hasn't happened...yet.

Yesterday, I went to see Ratatouille with the kids and some girlfriends. We all had fun. (I know, sad that marathon movies is two movies right? But think- how many single moms watch two movies in one weekend? Correction- how many have the time? I rest my case!).

Today, I went to the gym, and for some reason, I am exhausted. I feel like a beached whale. I went to the gym yesterday as well, and pushed myself extra hard both times, mostly to get rid of the stress. Now I feel a bit overexerted. On the plus side, I guess I will sleep well tonight.

One of my colleagues at the office started 'fat blogging'. I think he's a brave guy. I personally couldn't do it. I think I would die if I had to tell anyone my weight. Maybe it's a girl thing. I just know that I have been on this stress herb thing for 2.5 months, working out 3x a week, and eating no carbs. I've lost 20 lbs, but I think I only look like I've lost 6. That pretty much sums up how bad I must be. When you lose 20lbs and everyone says "hey you look like you *might* be losing weight", damn. That's bad. I wonder what people would say if I lose another 15? "wow you look like you've lost 10lbs?". That will be the point in time when my carb deprived self punches someone in the face.

I feel better now. Physical stress out at the gym. Mental stress out on the blog. I will sleep well tonight. My naturopath would say its the herbs. I say its my venting sessions.

You Need a POLICE ENFORCEABLE Court Order!

So I'm just reflecting on the events of last night. I have found so many bloody loopholes in the law that I don't even know where to start. Here's loophole number 2 million and twenty five- You need a friggin "Police Enforceable" court order, or it's not police enforceable. So now please tell me- what the hell did I spent $25k in lawyers fees for back in 2004? I mean, I thought the whole point of a court order was that if you don't abide by it, you are breaking the law. If you break the law, the authorities should be able to assist. Right? Wrong.

I think that the only thing that actually kept me sane was that earlier in the day, I had read my girlfriend's blog, and she had a link/discussion about this TV documentary. I actually commented on her blog about how much of an eye opener it was (it was heart wrenching), and that sometimes, even in the worst of times we need to remember that we have it significantly better than others in the world. We have a lot to be grateful for. So while I was going through this, I kept reminding myself of what I had read earlier yesterday (Thanks Saji!), and I think it kept me in check.

So an overview of yesterday:

• My son had a soccer game at 6:30
• I was rushing home to get him from Tae Kwan Do
• Running late, I asked Rich to pick him up for me
• At 5:30, Rich calls me and tells me that HIS DAD picked him up
• I'm panicking. I call the summer camp and ask how the **@@ this can happen. She is apologizing profusely and calls my ex demanding that he return the kids. Naturally, being the gentleman that he is (NOT!) he tells her where to go
• I text message my ex, (no reply), I try calling his cell (no answer). I'm not surprised, but at least I tried!
  
• I'm debating what to do, but even as I'm trying to figure it out, I find myself in the parking lot of the Mississauga Police Station (honestly, half the time I have no clue where I'm driving. I think my driving radar has a mind of its own, because I was still trying to figure out what to do when I arrived there. It's like Voodoo sense!)
• I go into the police station, and ask an officer to help me. I explain that it was just earlier that morning that my lawyer sent a letter to his lawyer advising that he is never to go to the children's school without my explicit written permission. He is so bloody defiant!
• I tell the officer that I have a court order. It says that although we have joint custody, the children reside with me, and their father can see them only at times agreed upon by both parties. He asks me if it says "Police enforceable" across the top. I tell him I'm pretty sure it doesn't. He tells me that he cannot help
• Apparently, in custody and access situations, the police cannot get involved unless the order says police enforceable. So my question is- what the heck is the current order good for anyways? I mean really- what's the point? Shouldn't ALL orders be police enforceable? Isn't that why we have court orders?
• So I clarify- OK- So a bipolar man who is not on his meds just picked up the children from school without my knowledge and they can't help? I mean come on! Isn't that like kidnapping? --Not if he has joint custody. I see. This is stupid.
• So I keep pushing (I'm very persuasive), and he agrees to call my ex to see how the kids are doing, and where he is at. It turns out he is at his parent's home (where he now resides), and he has the children with him. He refuses to bring them back, stating that these are his children, and he has a right to be with them. While they are on the phone, my cell rings, and it's my son, asking if it's true that I called the police on his father. He sounds very alarmed and is begging me to stop. I feel like I'm the culprit. I ask if he's OK, he says yes, and I say that I'm worried and he says "please don't do this". I feel like crap. I never wanted my son stuck between both of us. He's worried that his dad will go to jail. I'm worried that I may not see my kids again.
  
• Apparently, my ex knows what he's doing. It's no surprise to me that he picked this timing either. My lawyer just left for a two week vacation on Wed. He knows I'm SOL right now. This was deliberate.
• I keep pushing the officer to bring my kids home. He agrees to see what he can do. He tells me to go home and find the court order, and he will send an officer to my home. In hindsight, I think he just wanted to get rid of me. I get home by 6:30, pull out the order and wait. All I can say is THANK GOD he doesn't have their passports.
• At 12:30 am (yes you read correctly- 6 hours later, despite my many follow up calls), the police arrive at my home, look at the order and say "you're right, he wasn't supposed to take the kids. We can't get them back, because this order is not police enforceable, but we can go over and check to make sure they are OK. That's all that we can do". Um, dude, it's 12:30 in the morning. IF the kids are there, they're probably sleeping. I'm told that the children will be woken up so that the officers can speak to them. I'm freaking out. I can only imagine how scared they will be if they are woken up in the middle of the night by police officers. But at this point, if I want a record that any of this happened, I have to agree, so I do.
• At 2 am, the police call me and tell me that the children are perfectly fine, and that he intends to have them back at summer camp in the morning. I breathe a sigh of relief. Then they tell me that he has documentation that says he can have the kids on Thursdays. I suspect he is referring to my email to him a few months back when he was still with his wife. At that time, I agreed to let him have access on Thursdays. When I heard of their separation, and the second CAS case opened (which just closed on Wed), I outlined through my lawyers many times that this was not going to continue. Clearly, he "forgot" to show the officers those papers. Gotta love his "selective" memory...

The really scary thing about all this is that I asked the officers what would happen if he never returned the kids. I mean what if he kept them the rest of the summer? They said that they still wouldn't help me, and that I would have to go to the courts for an enforceable order.

Wow...the system sucks. We need to tell all women...if you get a court order, make sure it is police enforceable!

The Security Blanket

This is so sad...it totally broke my heart. Two to three weeks ago, my daughter was looking through the linen closet, and pulled out an old Winnie the Pooh blanket from when she was little. She must not have used this blanket for at least three years. The sad part is she instantly held it to her face, said "soft, I like it", and hasn't put it down since. She wraps it around her body as she goes about her day, sleeps with it at night, holds onto it while watching tv. Basically, it's become her security blanket.

My daughter is 5. She's never had a security blanket before.

At first, I thought it was cute (yet, a bit concerning), but I let it go and didn't say anything. Two weeks later, I became really concerned, and was debating whether or not to take it away from her. I was thinking that maybe it wasn't healthy for her to carry around a security blanket. I mean, she never needed it before, and isn't she a bit old for that?

So, I called my therapist/friend Graham. His professional opinion- don't you dare take it away from her. Yes it's VERY concerning that she needs it, but she has found a physical object that is able to provide her with emotional comfort. Clearly, things are emotionally not good for her and she needs the extra crutch. Yes she is regressing. Yes it is concerning, but it's still healthier for her to have it as long as it's doing what she needs it to do. Ride it out.

OK- Fine. I can ride it out. But man, that had me in tears. I am doing the best I can to help keep my children in a good space. But along comes Mr. Jerko to topple everything over.

I just hope she feels better soon. I guess I have no option but to watch how long she needs the blankie. Let's hope that she feels emotionally stronger soon.

Thank God I've found an emotionally stronger space lately. I'm not sure where it's coming from, but it's definitely keeping me better equipped to help my children.

But just in case- Do they make security blankies for adults? Hmm- maybe they should...

Two Legal Battles...

...means more confusion and chaos for him.

My ex is getting divorced. That is the official news I heard today from several official sources. I wonder how it will be for him to fight two ex wives in court at the same time? I'm guessing he will try to be smart and avoid the court battle with her.

Oh come on, don't act surprised. You all know how insane he is. I'm sure it was just a matter of time before she saw the signs too. I can't help feeling bad for her though. She didn't do anything to deserve this mess. She just kind of fell into it.

The funny thing about my ex is that he is a smooth talker. He knows how to win people over, he just doesn't know how to keep the act up, or rather, make it a part of his regular routine.

Can you say dumbass?

Return of the Nightmare

I wonder why these are coming back so vividly. This is messed up. I haven't had the "abuse" flashbacks for over a year I think. Now, all of a sudden, they just creep up on me. Honestly, just when you think you are going to manage, things go all weird. Not that it's messing me up or anything. I don't think the flashbacks are derailing my life. And, they aren't as terrifying as they once were. They are just more like memories now...just bad ones I guess.

I was talking with the children's therapist today and well, she asked what I was so afraid of. Not that she didn't think that my ex is a freak. I mean, I'm pretty sure she knows how messed up he is, the kids do after all, tell her everything. I just think that she wanted to know how badly he had hurt me when we were together. Perhaps it was for context, perhaps it was to better understand why I am so deathly afraid to have him around the children. Then she asked me if he ever hit me in a cruel malicious way, meaning where there was more than just a loss of temper...and then I remembered it again.

It's not that I haven't remembered this instance before, because I have. In fact, I think I've told it to one other person, and I think it was my office friend. I have remembered this very instance about two or three times before, but this time, sitting in her office, it was just more intense.

It was about a couple of years after we were married. We lived together in a small basement apartment. One night, as we were getting ready for bed, we had a small argument. I remember it well, because he became angrier and angrier as we argued. I remember telling him to cool down, that it was just a small argument, and I remember him telling me to "shut up" and to shut my mouth. I remember him turning around and out of the blue just punching me in the face. I was wearing glasses. He hit me in the eye. The glass broke, and all of a sudden, I couldn't see from that eye. I remember crying and saying that I was blind in that eye, that I couldn't see, and that I needed to get to a doctor. He told me to shut up and to stop faking it. I told him to listen to me, that I needed a doctor. He refused to help me. Somewhere deep inside, I got enough courage to tell him that if he didn't get me to a hospital, I would call my father, and that if I did that, my dad would come over and kick his ass first, and then take me to a hospital. Of course, that pissed him off. He told me that I was mouthy, he then took my glasses off my face, broke them into two pieces, and threw them across the room. He then went to the fusebox, took out all the fuses, so the place went dark. He put them in his pocket, took all the keys to the house and left. Just before shutting the door behind him, he yelled out "You wanna see blind? NOW you know what it feels like to be blind". And he slammed the door.

I spent that entire night crying in a corner of the room. He didn't come home that night. I was only 22 years old then. It was dark, I couldn't see without my glasses, and the cordless telephones didn't work without the power. It was around midnight, so I couldn't exactly wake the neighbours. And with my negative 7 vision (colours blend when I'm not wearing glasses), I couldn't exactly go out on the street looking for a payphone, so I was stuck in the house. Alone.

Many moons later (today), I still remember that night. I remember how I felt. I remember his cruelty. I remember that he didn't care. This is the same man who has joint custody of my children. There is NO justice in this world.

I think the biggest thing I fear is his mean side. I mean, this isn't a man who just loses his temper. He has a really really malicious mean streak. He is the type of guy who would not just hurt, but torture. Most people aren't like that. It's not normal for a human to think that way. I fear the day when one of my children stands up/mouths off to him. That will be the day that he takes all his temper out on them. He will freak out on them like he did on me. All I can do is prepare them. Did you think it was a coincidence that I have my children enrolled in Martial Arts classes? I want them both to be blackbelts one day. Then they can protect themselves in ways that I couldn't protect myself. A good mother learns from her mistakes. A good mother teaches her children how to learn from them as well.

Like I said before, I am doing EVERYTHING I can to protect my children. The last three years of my life has been dedicated to it so far. I'll be damned if I let him win. I will not let my children go through what I went through. And if somehow he gets to me and does something to me before I get to see him in court, well, we have my will, this blog, and a trail of therapy notes to help the children...And that ladies and gentlemen is why a woman should never stay silent. I finally get it. My children can only save themselves if they speak out against their dad. I can only save them if I do the same.

Good things come in threes

The 3rd piece of the same advice came today. Whatever is happening is happening for a reason. I never chose to marry a stalker. I never asked for him to be this cruel. I just kind of fell into it.

I keep flipping from angry to depressed to scared to (sometimes) patient. Mr. NYC told me to be more grateful. My girlfriend told me to have faith and patience. Today another friend told me to trust in God. He said that things may not always seem fair when we look at them, but in the long run, they will make sense. Maybe he's right.

I often thought to myself that hey-I was a devout Muslim. I wore a Hijaab. I prayed 6 times a day. I gave to charity. I never cheated others. I was (and still am) a horrible liar. I can't lie. I can't cheat. So why me?

Then I thought...I spent all those years praying for God to change things. For my ex to change and become the man I always wanted. For him to realize that I was worth the effort, that there would be nobody better than me for him, that even if he didn't do it for himself, he should do it for me. That change never occurred in him, and as the years went by, I became resentful and bitter, not to mention angry towards God.

Then I escaped. I was hopeful again, thinking that maybe this would be over. Maybe I can start a new life even with the "baggage" that I carried with me- two scarred children, myself emotionally a mess, afraid of relationships, afraid of men, insecure and without confidence in myself. But I survived. I went to therapy, healed emotionally, no longer have to cover up bruises with foundation as I dress for work every morning. I no longer have to wonder what mood I will come home to at night. I no longer have a packed backpack in my closet in case of an emergency, with money and overnight clothes and a credit card. All I have left is yes, a stalker, and a man who does threaten my life. As scary as that is, it is still a million percent better than where I was three years ago, because I lived with him, and had nowhere to hide. But now I have hope...

Maybe God does answer prayers. But maybe we just don't realize it. Maybe this is his way of taking me away from a bad situation. Maybe my ex is not meant to change. Maybe he has different plans for him. Maybe I am meant to help others in this situation. Who knows WHY it turned out this way, but either way, I think my prayers were answered, not exactly as I prayed them, but I did want it to end, and really- it did. Maybe I was just to ungrateful to see it.

I guess I need to be more thankful. Despite the fact that yes, I am about to lose another 20-30k in legal fees (money that I don't have), maybe 5 years from now, that won't be the big piece. Maybe the bigger piece will be the story I have to tell, and how I share it back with the community, with other women who have children in similar situations. Maybe that will be my calling and this is the only way to get me there...

My friend was right...at the end of the day, what does my ex really have left? I mean, he can harass me, he may even try to kill me- it's definitely possible. But at the same time, I'm doing everything I can to protect myself. Yes, the system is NOT helping, but I can't say I've missed any options. If after trying everything, nothing works, then perhaps it wasn't meant to.

Ten years from now, my children will know their father for what he is. Actually, 6 years from now, my son will be able to choose where he wants to live. He will be strong enough to speak out against his father's actions. Maybe that is when I am meant to be totally free. Once I have fully taught my children to use their voices and speak out, even if it against their own father.

And another thing- my friend today was right- no matter how bad things may seem for me, it isn't like my ex has it easy. I keep saying that I am the one suffering, but my ex isn't scott free. He has no friends, no family, nobody on his side. He lost his family, he can't hold down a job, and he cannot live life happily, because he has no mental peace. Yes, he created it himself, yes he is his own worst enemy, but I am wrong when I say he has it easy and I have it hard. At the end of the day, this will pass for me, but his life will not change, because he hasn't put in the work to change it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling sorry for him, (he has, after all, ruined my life), but I am realizing that I may be a tad off the mark when I say that God has me suffering, and my ex living it up.

So I guess that ten years down the road, the whole picture will be fully visible, when I will (hopefully) be in a better space. We all reap the rewards of what we sow. So maybe, keeping on track, and holding to my faith isn't such a bad thing after all.

I just need my friends to help keep me here, and to give me a hand whenever I fall....Thanks guys. God Bless.

His Obsession

That's what it feels like anyways. It's crazy how my life turned out. I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve this, and then I think, it's not that I deserve it, it's that we were all given different strengths and different tests in life. For me, this will be mine. Mr. NYC often reminds me to be more grateful. He says that as hard as it is sometimes, I need to look at what I have. He says "What happened to that girl that I met who looks at the silver lining? Come on Shaz- your community and friends supported you (including most of your ex's friends), your children adore you, your career is going well, and you have someone in your life who loves you. What more could you want? Would you rather be given the test of a fatal health problem? Please don't be ungrateful."

Maybe he's right, but it's still hard.

So here is the latest...

• My ex and his wife are separated (I know...I'm not surprised either, he is what he is, right?)
• He has basically told people that he does not intend to let me be happy or to move on with my life- I can NEVER move away from this area, get married, date, etc.
  
• Instead of focusing on her he is focused on me and the kids
• He's more obsessed with me than ever
• He is trying to get custody of the kids
• I know people who have very damning evidence. Now I just need them to be willing to share. Otherwise, he gets off and my kids get hurt. You know I'm right- they aren't safe around him. I left because he choked my son for refusing to eat dinner remember? I've started documenting stuff, but I need the world to help me tell the story, that he is a consistently psychotic person. I need everyone's help. And, we need to share it with other women, so they don't make my mistakes, and so the system doesn't make it worse for them like it did to me.
  
• I am taking a different route to work everyday to cover my tracks
• I've informed the kids' schools to stay on high alert and to contact the police if they see him

It's so weird. I keep wondering why he is so obsessed. Why can't he just move on and forget about me forever? Why is he tied to me like this? I just want to be happy and free. I left for a reason...and I'm still waiting for the freedom. It's sad. And this from a woman who has resources, friends, family, a job. What if I were earning 20k and new to the country with no family or friends? What then?

The scary thing is- there are so many people who have witnessed his craziness, so many who have seen it first hand. So many who have heard him threaten to do me harm, but none who are brave enough to come forward. What's up with that?

At the end of the day, I think the biggest disappointment I have is with some of the males around me, who are too cowardly to step forward and help me out of fear that they will suffer his backlash. I mean, I had a girlfriend who needed an affidavit about her marriage/ex, and I did it in a heartbeat. And I'm a single mom. If I don't fear backlash, what's wrong with these guys? How disappointing. How disgusting. How pathetic.

I think some of the women I have come to know have more strength and integrity of character than many of their male counterparts. Just an observation. I'm not implying that there aren't great guys out there, just that my experience has been when the chips fall, many of them run and hide.

Happy Father's Day to Me

After all, I am pretty much the mother and father. Well, they have a biological father, but any man can donate sperm. It takes a person of character to be a real father. Unfortunately, my children don't have a real father. They have a dysfunctional, authoritative and abusive man in their life who they happen to call a father. That would explain why my daughter keeps telling me to get married so that she can have a stepfather. Most children would never ask for that. Mine do. Explain that to me.

Anyhow, I got a call yesterday from my ex's loudmouth lawyer. This would be his 3rd lawyer in 3 months. My guess is that he couldn't get along with the first two, but hey- what do I know.

Anyhow, the lawyer was demanding that his client have access to the children on father's day. I told him that my ex is an abusive man and is inappropriate with the children, so he cannot have access, especially given the CAS case. He then accused me of opening the case to be manipulative. I told him to watch the accusations because I never opened the case, and he has no right to make those assumptions. Then he started yelling at me and telling me that I am restricting access to the children out of spite and that he intends to use it against me in court. Then I told him that he needs to watch his tone of voice with me or I will refuse to speak to him. He told me he has a 15 year history in family law and he wouldn't stand for what I was doing. I told him I have a 15 year history being abused by his client and I wouldn't stand for further abuse, whether it be from my ex, or his lawyer. Then he shut up and requested that I at least allow supervised visits. I agreed, provided that they suggest a reasonable supervisor. I told him that he should come up with a supervisor. He told me "surely there is someone in this world that you don't hate that can be used to supervise". I told him that he would need to get to know his client better, because the issue isn't that I can't find anyone I don't hate, rather, he won't be able to find anyone willing to supervise, because he doesn't have any friends or family willing to do it for him. He scoffed. I gave him two names. (my ex's brothers) Two hours later, he called me back saying they were "nowhere to be found". Of course not. They can't stand him and they don't want to be involved. This lawyer has no idea what he is in for.

Anyhow, I find it funny that my ex, the fundamentalist Muslim who just finished sending me a letter about how the children will no longer be allowed to celebrate "non Muslim secular/mainstream holidays" is making such a big deal about father's day. He never once celebrated father's day before. In fact, he said that father's day was the "North American way of getting people to appreciate their parent's, where a good Muslim would celebrate father's day every day". So in principle, he didn't believe in it. Isn't it funny how the fundos pick and choose how their religion should work?

Anyhow, the document that he sent me a week back actually has all kinds of crazy stuff in it, like the children are no longer allowed to celebrate non-Muslim secular holidays like Easter, Halloween, Christmas etc. Nice. Freak. I celebrate all holidays with my kids. Back off. He wants them to attend only Islamic School. Hmmm....I don't know a court in the country that would enforce that. And he wants them to have "proper Islamic upbringing". That would be the perfect catch all phrase for a fundo. Well- F-U. There won't be any of that. How about I ask the court for permission to change my religion and raise the children void of any one faith? Let's see what they do then.

Anyhow- he also wants the passports to reside with him 50% of the time. Why- so you can take off with my kids? I don't think so.

Honestly, this man is so beyond crazy, I think he needs to be in a mental institution.

Regardless of all this, I'm holding on strong. One day, I'm going to take up this cause on a permanent basis and help other women survive domestic abuse. Jerky men never let you move on. Never.

Well, anyways, Happy Father's Day to me.

The Will

Not to be a drama queen, but all of this recent crap has basically reminded me that I urgently need a will. I know, a single mom should have had a will a long time ago. Well I don't. Chalk a rare one up for my irresponsible side. So here I am, taking a cut at my will. I'll eventually try to go to a lawyer and do this right, but in the meantime, I downloaded a will kit for "Single Canadian mother with children". Good start since I don't have anything else at the moment.

My thoughts are the following- If God forbid something horrible were to happen to me, like say- my ex goes nuts and hunts me down with a shotgun, well- I'll be damned if I let him have the children. Screw the money (it's not like I have that) and screw the life insurance, but HELL NO, he ain't getting the kids. I've got enough friends across the city plugged in to fight that battle for me, but in the meantime, I'm putting it all in writing.

So there we have it- my first time doing a "last will and testament". I feel like I have things in order, to a degree. It's actually a bit reassuring. It's not done yet (the will I mean), but I'm hoping it will be by tomorrow night. Oh- ya- that and the fact that the executor doesn't know she's the executor yet :)

I guess I never really planned to die anytime soon. I know it's not the type of think you plan, but I guess I always thought "I'm 35, so the odds are that I have a little while to go". I know that isn't true- we never know when it's going to be our time, but I guess these past few days have made me very aware of the fact that it really could be anytime. I thought the odds were that I'd have a while- good health, good life, no issues. And then yesterday I realized- those odds have recently changed. The crap that I'm going through, and truthfully have been going through for 3 years put me in a totally different category. Think about it...the odds that a normal human with no health issues (OK except maybe some weight), would need to worry about dying at 35 are not that high. Add in a psycho ex husband (literally) who is completely obsessed with me, and blames me for all his problems, has a violent history and temper, and a history of unstable behavior and those odds have changed. The odds that this girl won't have to worry about dying until after she's 60, well I don't know. I think she would have to worry more in her 30's, while the stuff is fresh and the obsession is still high. Wow. I'm not sure how I ever missed that...

I have my RMT to thank for the wake up call. Yesterday, surprisingly of all places, as I was getting a massage and talking to my RMT (shut up- yes I sometimes talk)- I was told "OH GOD you REALLY need a will". And then it hit me. I do need a will. Like now. Especially now.

That's another thing off the "to do" list.

I was doing really well until...

Minor freak attack yesterday. I'm better now. Breathe. :)

Overall, I'm doing better this time around than last time. (Now isn't it totally pathetic that there are "rounds"...it never ends).

I think this new naturopath has been great for me. The past 5 weeks I was doing alot better- sleeping better, losing weight, acne clearing, and then boom- the ex starts up, and the stress levels (and hormones) go through the roof. So it's a setback of a few weeks, but that's OK, we've added more herbs to the mix and I was able to sleep and feel calmer today, so something seems to be working. The past week, the sleep got messed up again, mostly cuz of stress, but I'm better now.

Regardless, I think I'm getting better at handling this (still sad that I have to say it).

I think I'm realizing that this won't ever change. He's going to harass me until my dying day, whenever that will be.

Oddly enough, I left him because I felt that if I stayed he would eventually do something so bad that he would kill me. Now I realize that this hasn't really changed. He's the same nut, and he's still just as obsessed. It's still a problem.

How does a married man get so obsessed with his ex wife? People are weird.

Fortunately, my friends are looking out for me and checking on me. I love you guys.

CAS Visit #2

Never marry a bipolar man. Never.

God he's an ass.

Anyhow, without getting into the details, here we go again. Different this time, but way too familiar and still very much the same in many ways. Some things never change. Like people's assholeness.

Thank God my new department at work comes fully equipped with an understanding boss.

Doesn't hurt that he's got his own children...so he understands. It makes my on-the-fly schedule one less source of stress for me.

So- The CAS never changes either. But here is a funny tune- "What are YOU doing to protect your children"?

UM- Dude....you're the CAS. You told me he was off the hook last time.

"Yes, but if he continues behaving in this fashion, what are you doing to protect them?"

Um- aren't you the ones who told me you couldn't help?

"There isn't a specific child protection issue here. They have a good parent. It's you. But by allowing him access to the children, knowing that he is questionable as a parent, you are not doing your job".

Well- he technically is a joint custodian (dumb ass!)

"And you know that he shouldn't be. So you should have taken this to court by now and fought it. The fact that you're sitting by and not fighting it means you aren't protecting your children. If anything happens to them, we would get involved, but one of the things we would investigate is why YOU didn't exercise sound judgment in protecting them".

ARE YOU F-NG KIDDING ME?!

Talk about re-victimizing the victim. Peel CAS sucks. Big time! Child protection agencies do Jack shit.

I want to send this case to the media somehow. I want them to take it to the public. Why is it that women have to constantly go through this? Why aren't there checks and balances in place in the system?

I'm not being overly dramatic. I am very calm at the moment, but just very aware of the risks. You have NO idea what has transpired over the past two weeks, and I can't do this here. But I am going to the paper diary. If something ever happens to me or the children, somebody somewhere has to take that paper diary and let everyone know exactly what happened.

Stupid system.