Lunch with Syd's Girlfriend

I had lunch with Syd's girlfriend today. I have been putting this off since December. I'm not sure if the delay was deliberate, or subconscious, but I've been meaning to meet with her forever. We have kept in touch via email on a weekly basis, but we never got the chance to meet. Perhaps I just wasn't ready before. Today I felt much more ready.

She is lovely. I can totally see why he loved her so much. I really admire her strength of character. In the time since his death, she has kept in touch with Syd's kids, relatives, and friends. She has done everything she could to understand him, to respect his decision and to try to move on. I'm not sure if given the same situation I would have been able to do the same.

I do know that there was much more to him than I ever thought. I didn't know about his depression, that it had lasted so many years. He was great at hiding it. He was the one that kept the level head, that people turned to with their problems. I don't think any of us knew how tormented he was. Between her explanation of his last days, and the things that I know about him (both of which are very different), I can definitely see the pressures he was under, and how it must have been tearing him apart. He confided in me, but only to a limit. He confided in his girlfriend about other things, different things, but only to a limit. I wish one of us could have seen this coming, or that somehow both of us could have met earlier, pieced together the jigsaw puzzle of his life with the different information around his last days that each of us had, and perhaps helped him sooner. Then again, I'm not sure either of us could have stopped him. He was one stubborn man...

I did realize something else too. All those times I talked about my ex's behaviour. I need to be more careful. I told him "Who goes out and goes for a jog/walk at 3am? CRAZY PEOPLE!".... Little did I know that HE was one of those people going for walks at weird hours of the night to clear his head. I knew he had a lot going on. I knew about his emotional pressures and financial pressures. He spoke about them to me on many occasions. I knew he wasn't doing well. I just didn't realize that there was this whole other side to him. All those times I talked about my ex in detail, all those depression stories I told him, all the judgement I had in my voice.....if I had known, I would have been more careful what I said and how I said it. I guess that's a life lesson. I mean I knew him for 10 years, and we were SO close. He was one of my dearest friends. But I guess even when you know someone, you never fully know them, so you have to be more sensitive around the things you say.

Syd knew all the details of my life. The abuse, my ex, even about Mr. NYC (to my surprise, his girlfriend was happy to hear that things are still going well with him). I guess Syd shared much of my life with her, and I'm actually glad. It shows how much he cared. She knew about my ex, the abuse, the kids, my fears. Funny how much he knew about me, and how despite how well I thought I knew him, I really missed such a big piece of who he was, and what he was going through. No, not funny...sad, actually. He was here for me, but I wasn't really a source of enough support for him. I did try though. I was going to take him to the EAP, he just managed to find his own way out of it...

I still haven't gone to the cemetery, and I don't think I want to. I think I have as much closure as I'm going to get. I'm not going to open the emotional floodgates again. I think they need to remain closed for the next while.

Rest in Peace my friend. You were a wonderful source of support, and I wish I could have done more to help you. I will continue to pray for you.