Learning Disorders, ADHD and Stuff

I was working with my son on his homework the other day. It was math, and was mentally taxing for him. He had to keep thinking and re-thinking all his answers. It was tough, and very frustrating to help him get his work done. He kept making excuses, kept saying that he didn't want to do the work. Then, finally, I sat him down and forced him to do it. I had to sit with him and stay on him. Every couple of minutes, he would get distracted and start looking around. But I stayed on him, and was determined to make sure that it got completed.

As we neared the end, and had just three questions left to go, I was faced with the start of a tantrum. "I can't do this anymore! I hate this! Do you hate me? Why do you make me do this work? It's so FRUSTRATING!"

This is where I started to get annoyed too. I mean, sitting here riding him to do his work isn't exactly a cup of tea. I was NOT enjoying this at all, and to top it off, I have to deal with this? You must be kidding me.

I told him that he had to finish his work. That I understand it isn't always fun, but it is important. He wants to be a car journalist, and car journalists need to finish school.

And then he tried to explain it to me. This is where my heart melted and totally went out to him. "Mommy, you don't understand. Somehow my brain feels full. Like it can't hold any more information. Like it's going to explode if I read even ONE MORE word. Like a computer that freezes when it can't work anymore because you made it open too many windows at once. I want to finish the work, but I just don't know how to make my brain do it".

And then it hit me. Sometimes I forget that we still have to do all these tests. That maybe, just maybe I am pushing him beyond his limits. The computer analogy really hit home, and I felt guilty that I had to make my 8 year old beg and plead for me to understand that just maybe, his brain may be wired differently than other children. I sometimes forget that this might be the case.

"Honey, why don't you go and play for 20 minutes? I understand completely. My brain gets full sometimes too. I can call you back to the kitchen table in 20 minutes".

"You won't be mad that I needed a break?"

"No baby. I understand. Honest".

I get it. I really do. I know that we don't know for sure if he has ADHD, but until we find out for sure, I'm going to trust him when he tells me he has reached his mental limit.

So I'm Lame...

I worked from home today. But in my defense, traffic was bad, I had no meetings today, and I really didn't feel like driving for MORE than the 1.5 hours that I do each way every day. Three hours of a round trip commute is about all that I can handle on a daily basis, and the thought of it being longer due to bad weather was just unbearable.

On the plus side, I had a very productive day. I cleared my inbox down to 18 items. Not bad at all, if I do say so myself. I was even able to spare 20 minutes to go to my lawyers and drop off another check. Yes boys and girls. I got my year end bonus on Friday, and wrote a check for the ENTIRE amount to my lawyer. That hurt. Big time.

I decided to pick the kids up from school at 3pm. I've been working some Fridays lately, so I haven't been doing much of it. I figured that since I was working from home today, it was a good opportunity to surprise the children. They were so happy to see me. As we ate our after-school snack, they were such little chatterboxes, and they made me laugh. They had chicken noodle soup and hot chocolate to warm them up after school.

Just now, I gave them dinner. Butter chicken and naan that I made yesterday. My son is so accustomed to the butter chicken from Bombay Bhel that he was thrown off by this. His response:

"This isn't really butter chicken. But don't worry mommy. It's very good whatever it is".

Seriously? Whatever it is? It's butter chicken dammit. I followed the recipe to a tee. Just because he is used to it tasting a certain way, doesn't mean this is wrong. I used just the right amount of cream, and I thought it was awesome. And look at the little politician's response- he at least was kind enough to tell me it was good. I think he meant it too, because he ate all of it and asked for more. Hilarious. Even his dad never said anything like that about whatever I cooked. He would eat whatever I made and tell me it was great, even when I knew it didn't turn out quite right. I guess that was one good quality in a not so great guy ... I guess we all have at least SOME good things about us. That was his.

Anyhow, next my son started talking about Mr. NYC. Yes, he's met him. Three times. I introduced him as my friend. I have no idea what made him bring up the topic. But he asked when he will see him again. I told him I wasn't sure. He asked if he is married. I said no, but that he is divorced. My son was shocked. "Who would divorce HIM? He is such a nice man". UM- wow. That was unexpected. I asked him why he said that about him, I mean he doesn't even say that about me. His answer- because I am the one that divorced his dad. Hmmm. I asked how he knew it. He said his dad told him I did the divorce. I asked how he felt. My son then proceeded to ask why I left. "Did he yell at you and hit you too?". I didn't quite know how to respond. So I told him that these were adult matters and were not for children.

Then he went back to Mr. NYC. Does he have kids? How old are they? And then the question that I was afraid of. "Do you like him?". I responded by saying that "yes, he's a good friend". "But do you want to marry him?"

Where the heck does he get this stuff? I only responded by saying that these are adult matters and that right now, I am happy with things the way they are. If anything ever changes, I would let him know.

Maybe next time, I'll let the school bus pick him up from school :D

Snow Day

I love the snow. I love the way it looks when you look out the window and it makes those fluffy serene covers on everything that is outside. I love the brightness. But I don't like the cold. I also don't like it when there is so much that your car won't come out of the driveway. And I get stuck when the kid who comes to shovel doesn't show up the one time there is a lot of snow.

We spent the day at home today. The children and I were a little bored, because we aren't accustomed to spending an entire day in the house. But, they did their homework (grudgingly), and I decided to cook. I think the cooking was actually a good thing, because I haven't been cooking much lately. Life has been so busy that I have been resorting to quick meals, or take out.

Some baked chicken, beef kebabs, and butter chicken later, I am feeling pretty good today. If this keeps up I might even bake a cake with the children in the evening. If I have the energy.

Anyhow, I'm still wondering how I will get to work tomorrow. I can't shovel the snow because it would throw off my back for sure, and I can't find anyone to do it. Then again, it would be the lamest excuse in the world to work from home the day AFTER a snowstorm.

I miss my SUV. I used to plow through massive amounts of snow with that thing. The civic is NOT my thing. :(

A Day Without a Cellphone

Last Thursday, as I rushed out of the office to pick up the children, I forgot my blackberry on my desk. This may not seem like a big deal to the average Joe, but trust me when I say that I felt totally paralyzed for the next 16 hours.

I have had a cellphone since maybe 1992 or something. I've always had one on me. I don't think I've used a payphone since then. My calendar, my email, my contact list is all in that device. I am lost, stupid and unreachable without it.

So, driving home through the snow, I was horrified when I realized I didn't have it with me. I knew I had an appointment on my way home, roughly knew the time, but wasn't sure. What I was doing after that, I couldn't remember.

The snow slowed me down. I was running late. I didn't have a phone with which I could call to let them know. I didn't have the number either. Eventually I found a payphone (trust me, they are hard to come by), and of course, I don't carry money. I am the debit card freak. I use it for a pack of gum. So, I ruffled around for change and found a quarter. Only to realize payphones now cost fifty cents (when did that happen??). This one didn't take a credit card. I had to find some change to call my appointment, and luckily I knew the number by memory. I then found a loonie, called my mom and asked her to get the kids.

When I finally made it to my mom's place by 6:45, my daughter informed me that she had her winter concert that night, at 7pm, and that she had to wear a black dress. We rushed home, changed her, and got her to the concert. They rushed her onto stage just as the first song was starting. Thank God we made it.

When I got home, I had frantic voicemails from Mr. NYC who was freaking out because it is unheard of for me not to be accessible by cellphone, and he knew about the bad weather in Toronto. Naturally, he was afraid that I had an accident or something, because I didn't call him (I usually call him every day as I leave the office), and I wasn't picking up my phone or responding to his text messages.

The next day, I almost missed my conference call as I didn't have the number, and don't know my colleagues' numbers by memory. I was totally lost.

When I got to the office and found my phone, I was ready to kiss it. That is how happy I was to have it back.

Sad, but true.

Being a Winner

My son is a total politician. The other day, I was rushing in the morning to get ready. He woke up (early) and looked at me and asked if I wanted to race to see who could get dressed first. I told him that I already had my suit on. I only had to do my makeup. He responded that this left him "plenty of time". Nice.

I accepted his challenge.

When he was done getting dressed (and admittedly, I still wasn't ready), he got up to wash his face. Once he stood up, he said he was too tired and wanted to go back to bed. Now I knew better than anyone, that if he goes to bed without washing up, I will never get him out of the house. So, I offered to help him wash up. He accepted.

While washing his face, I told him with a chuckle that now that I helped him get ready, I would lose the race. He paused for a moment and then turned to me and said (with a totally straight face I might add):

"But mommy, when you help another person, you're a winner too".

Wow. Either that was deep (and I feel proud to have raised this little boy), or he will make one awesome politician.

I have NO IDEA where he got that from.

Back from NYC

I spent the weekend in NYC. It was nice. This time we actually didn't even end up going to Manhattan. We kind of hung out in the burbs, which was fine. I helped Mr NYC do his Xmas shopping which was fun (any shopping is fun for me, even if it's not for myself). I offered to do this. He groaned at the thought of spending a whole day shopping, but like I said, I had fun. I even wrapped all the presents for him when we were done (man I love Christmas) :)

When I got home from NY, I got the joy of:

• My ex returning the children half an hour late (he is such a pain)
  
• There being no homework done with the children (so now they will go to school tomorrow looking totally incompetent)

My ex is an ass. He has no integrity and no sense around how to obey the law. Seriously, he should be living in a mental ward, away from the rest of the world. He can't even follow simple instructions or fulfill his basic parental responsibilities. And this from a man who wants sole custody. The world is truly a crazy place.

Keep Your Comments to Yourself Please...

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

I love this quote. It's so true. Ever go through a phase when you feel like those around you are just judging you? Here are some of the things I recently heard through friends...

• You're doing the best you can to raise the children. Sure, they are going to turn out messed up as a result of the divorce, but at least you can have an impact on how messed up they are (Thanks jerk! The weird thing is, this was meant to somehow be a compliment!)
• "You're a great person when you're not moody" (Um- isn't everyone?)
  
• Why would somebody as smart as you be stupid enough to marry that guy anyways? I think that was SUCH a bad life choice that it almost makes you look like a stupid person (I know you hate him, but easy on the insults buddy!)
• Don't worry- we'll have you dressing really cool soon (what the heck is wrong with the way I dress anyways? And this from someone whose taste in clothes I can't even stand! UGH!)

Maybe I'm in a mood these days. On my reading list at the moment is "Why men love bitches". I highly recommend the book to any girl who is over accommodating to the people in her life, but never appreciated for any of it.

I'm a funny mix. I can be a bee-otch at work in meetings, putting my foot down on projects etc, but I am the total opposite in my personal life. I think I over compensate at work. My goal for this upcoming year (2008) will be to bring those two to a balance. Let's see how I do.

Anyhow, yesterday was interesting. I ran into two colleagues that I haven't seen for awhile. They said that I looked really happy and that I looked great. The compliment made me happy. Then they said "You must be dating ". That made me not so happy...

If I look happy does it HAVE to be because of a guy? Sheesh!

Trusting Your Kids to Strangers

Would you EVER let a complete stranger drive away with your child?

I was driving the children to school the other day, and right at the intersection on a side street there was a huge accident. The whole front end of one car was smashed off and the other card drove through a pole into a fence. The car in front of me was a witness who had seen the entire accident and had stopped. I pulled over and asked if they needed a phone. They said yes. I called 911 and requested police and an ambulance. The witness lady said that she had to stay at the scene because she witnessed the whole thing, but that she had a young child to take to school and didn't know what to do. As it turned out, her child went to the same school as my child. I offered to drop off her child, and she accepted. Her daughter (after getting in my car) said she recognized my son. I offered my name, ID and cell number, just so she would be comfortable that I wasn't some crazy, and so she could check to make sure her daughter got there safe, but she declined, since her daughter recognized my son.

I was surprised that she trusted me. If it were me, I would NEVER let some stranger take my children. I would rather let them miss school, or be late for school. I'm flattered that she trusted me, as I suppose that means I don't look like an axe murderer, but STILL.

After dropping the children off, I went back to the scene of the accident, just to let her know that I watched all 3 kids go into the school, and that they were fine.

And then I realized....would you TAKE the responsibility of some stranger's child? I mean, what if something happened to that child, could she have come back to me?

What a scary world we live in, you can't trust anyone these days. Not only should you be cautious with your own children, but I guess you also have to be cautious with other people's children!

The Fishie is in Heaven

I actually was caught in meetings/conference calls on Friday and didn't get a chance to get a new fish. And then I forgot. Yes, I forgot. I'm human. These things happen.

So later on, when my kids came home, they saw the empty fish tank and asked where the fish was. I couldn't lie this time. So I told them the truth. My son held back his tears, but I told him that the fish was in Heaven, and that it was probably swimming in a big huge ocean with lots of other happy fishies. I think he felt better. I also told him that whenever he is ready, we can buy a new fish.

Then he asked what I did with it, like how did I dispose of it? I told him the truth- and I felt mighty cold saying it...but I flushed it down the toilet. He didn't say much. I think it helped that I had a good friend over and we were all on our way out the door when this happened. He was busy and distracted.

As we walked out the door I heard my daughter say "How does the fishie get to heaven through the toilet?"

I didn't answer. I acted like I didn't hear it. I mean, what reply could I give to that?

UM- The Fish Died. Again.

There must be something in the tank that just killed the second fish I bought. I wonder what to do?

Option 1- Replace the fish without letting the children know. Again.
Option 2- Tell them it died, and let them pick a new fish on their own. Maybe even two fish if it's not a Japanese fighter fish. Then they can each have their own fish.

I know I was trying not to disappoint them, but now it's the second time in one week that a fish died. Maybe I need to tell them what happened and let them deal with it?

What to do, what to do?

Parent-Teacher Meetings

Today was parent-teacher interview day. I was able to go in for my appointments this morning at 9am. Since report cards came out on Friday last week, and my ex had the kids last weekend, he kept the report cards, and failed to share them with me. Charming, isn't he?

Anyhow, I went in day before yesterday and got photocopies of the report cards. It turns out that my son is doing OK academically (all B's), but that he is still having difficulty focusing. This brings me back to the ADHD question, which I am hoping to have evaluated in the next few months. I asked the teacher for her opinion, and she said that he still doesn't strike her as an ADHD child, that he has some elements of it, such as the difficulty focusing and the emotional ups and downs, but that these could also be associated with the instability with his personal life. I'm hoping she is right. While I am supportive of doing the testing, I am hoping he does not come out as ADHD. If he does, I am ready to support him in any way I can.

Overall, I am happy that he was doing OK. He's not an A student by any stretch, but this is the first year that he is right at level (with the exception of his writing skills, which I can work on, but which are also typical for a little boy- boys are not usually the best writers at this age). Since his reading is doing really well (for the first time ever), we are hopeful that his writing skills will follow. I've got my fingers crossed.

My daughter's teacher says there are small improvements. She says the extra work I am doing at home (trust me, it's 2 hours a night!) is helping her along. But, the emotional stuff is still there. She is getting a little better, but she is still very sad and withdrawn, and often sits on her own. Her grades are well below average, so there is a lot of work to do to get her caught up. The teacher says it is NOT her lack of ability, that she would probably be one of the brightest students, if she could get past her emotional issues. I feel so very guilty.

I'm going to use the holiday season to continue giving the children academic support, but with my daughter, I want to try to give her some of the extra emotional support. I'm hoping some special outings and bonding time with her mother can help her. I'm thinking a few small lunch dates alone where she can discuss anything that is on her mind might be a good start. Let's see how it goes.

It Was One Year Ago Today...

That Syd died. It was one year ago tomorrow when I found out that he had died.

I woke up today and prayed for him. I hope that he is at peace. He was a great guy, but he just didn't reach out to all the resources he had available to him. It's sad and tragic, and he left a hole in many people's lives, but I think it has been the hardest for his children and his girlfriend. His girlfriend by the way, is probably one of the strongest, most positive people I have ever met. I would have met her a week after his passing, as they were to come to my place for dinner. I ended up connecting with her a week after his passing anyhow, via email. Somehow, I think we were destined to meet, one way or another.

For a couple of minutes, I was debating going over to the Leaside bridge, perhaps just for the closure. I've driven under the bridge less than 10 times since his passing, (and I usually avoid going near it), and I haven't driven on it since he died. I was going to do it today, but I think today is not the right day to do that. There will be other days.

Over the past year, I think I have definitely healed, but I do miss him. I miss his friendship. I miss his emails. I miss his pages to my blackberry. I miss his support. I hope he's in a better place.

Just thinking about that time of year, I remember how many things snowballed at once. My boss of many years was let go, and shortly after that, Syd told me it was time for me to move on professionally. He told me to change departments, or leave the company altogether. A few weeks after that, he committed suicide. That de-railed things for me more than anything I could imagine. Right after that, it was the office re-org, which quite frankly went over miserably, and left me feeling de-moralized. Things only started to look up when I got the clean break and started the new job. That job was exactly what I needed. I got rid of the emotional baggage that was tied to my last boss and Syd, and I felt valued again. Thank God for the change.

Anyhow. Here I am, right in the middle of a court case. 2007 is winding down and all I can say is that it went really fast. I thought 2007 would be my year. Looking at it so far, I can't say that it was my year, but I can say it was better than the last year. Let's see how it turns out.

Anyhow, like I said, I hope Syd is at peace, wherever he may be. I still find myself asking "I wonder what Syd would say", or "I wonder what Syd would do".

Where ever he may be, he still has an impact on my life, and it's still positive.

Rest in peace my friend.

Court Date #3

Yesterday was our third court date. I had spent most of the weekend trying to forget about it. By the end of the weekend I actually did manage to forget it. On Monday a friend mentioned something about being "ready for tomorrow" and it took me a couple of seconds to remember that I did indeed have court coming up. By Monday evening, the stress had built up again, and I don't think I slept much on Monday night. That is how it goes I guess. I always work myself into a knot the day before. At least this time, I had managed not to ruin the entire weekend beforehand stressing it out.

On Tuesday morning, I was a total mess. I had taken the day off work, so I went to the gym in the morning, and then came home to shower and change before leaving. I even prayed, which is different for me, as my prayers have been almost non existent lately. I didn't pray to win a case or anything like that, I mean that would be almost too selfish an act. I prayed for peace. I prayed that the best outcome for all parties (especially the children) happen, whatever that might be. And I did get some peace. Afterwards, I felt satisfied that sometimes on the surface, something may look like the biggest disaster; but that when all is said and done, the outcome can often be better in the long term than I can imagine. I felt better. I know that overall, things are easier, and that many things that felt unthinkable- such as going through a divorce, can actually be a blessing when the dust settles.

Overall it went OK. I can't say that I got everything I wanted, and my ex did not get everything he wanted, but I can honestly say that I have a lot of respect for this judge and that she was very fair. Here is an overview:

• We go back in the end of March, mostly to set the next court date- even one of our lawyers can attend that day- we are aiming for a May/June court date
• The assessment over the next few months (which starts in Jan) will be the large deciding factor on who gets custody
• We clearly defined access times for Eid, our son's birthday, Christmas break, March break, weekends, and any other access times. This will eliminate the confusion/arguing as well as the constant back and forth with lawyers. Even pick up/drop off times and locations have been decided
  
• I did get a small slap on the wrist. I was told that I was treating a joint custodial arrangement like it was sole custody and it isn't. I explained that I was protecting my kids. The judge said she doesn't deny that they needed protection, but that I should have come to court over a year and a half ago before taking matters into my own hands and cutting his access to the kids
• Accordingly, she has granted him mid week access on Wed nights, for a period that may not exceed 4 hours. Minimizing the access reduces the changes that he will lose his temper and freak out on the kids. I think that's a fair assessment. Well, I hope it is. I mean, it does MINIMIZE the risks. It just doesn't ELIMINATE them.
  
• Any other visits (i.e. weekends)- have to be fully supervised.
• His weekend visits are allowed to go until 7pm, which is the standard for access weekends for the non primary care parent. Basically what she has done is given him back his time as a parent, so he doesn't lose time with the children, but at the same time, she has put enough checks and balances in place that he has to be guarded and the children will be safe.
• I can still travel with the children without his permission

Like I said, it isn't ideal, but I do see where she is coming from. I can't say that she wasn't fair. She found a healthy balance that both parties could live with until the assessment is complete. I guess that is why she is the judge.

If nothing else, I do have respect for her.

Mental Health Day

I took a day off today just to chillax. It's been good. I did the laundry and groceries in the morning, mostly to get those chores out of the way, and then I did nothing. I was resting on the couch, surfing the internet, talking on the phone. It's been great.

The fish fiasco ended yesterday when my son came home and found the new fishie swimming in the tank. He assumed it was the old one, which was kind of the point, and didn't notice anything. He even threw in a few words about how smart I am, and how he will never doubt me again in the future. Bonus.

On a scarier note, my neighbour called yesterday to tell me that she saw some guy in a black car parked outside my house for about 3 hours yesterday. 3 hours. She said he looked Pakistani (she's Pakistani herself), and that he looked like a slimy guy (whatever that means). The point is, I feel a bit weird. I mean, why would someone be outside my house for 3 hours in the middle of the day? There aren't many Pak neighbours here (that was a pre-requisite to buying my home-no desi neighbours) so he probably wasn't here to bug anyone else. Then again, if you were here to stalk me, wouldn't you park out of sight instead of right in front of my home?

I basically told her that next time if she sees anyone, she should contact the police, tell them that I am a single mom with a psycho ex husband and that they should come and check it out. Above and beyond that there isn't much else we can do.

On the other hand, wouldn't it be shameful if it was some dude waiting for someone (for 3hrs?) and that I just pegged him as an evil stalker? Maybe he is some guy waiting for a girlfriend who lives a few doors down and he had to hide out so nobody sees him waiting for her, because her traditional desi parents don't want her dating an older man...

Or, maybe he is a stalker. Sigh. I am so messed up sometimes. Now I'm the one who is getting paranoid.

A Mother's Little White Lies

"Mommy! Mommy! My fishie died!"

My son was in tears. "He was my only pet".... and this, right before leaving for school on the morning of a storm. I sometimes wonder if I will EVER be equipped to deal with this stuff. Sigh.

"Baby, he's not dead. He's sleeping."

"No way- he's all curled up and lying on the ground. Fishies don't do that!"

"Well that's cuz I gave him medicine. He was sick last night so I gave him fishie medicine. The bottle said he needs to sleep it off for 24 hours. He should be fine by the time you get home from school."

"He's not dead?"

"No baby, don't be silly. He's sleeping. What do I do when you're sick?"

"Make me take medicine and sleep all day."

"Ok, so like I said, fishie will be just fine."

"I love you mommy. I hope you're right".

Then today, I went at lunchtime to the pet store. They had Japanese fighter fish, but not in the same colour. I did not anticipate this problem.

So I go to pet store #2. Same issue. Next, I go to Wal-Mart. Jackpot. I buy the fish, I come home. I clean the fish tank, I put in the new fish (after flushing the other one down the toilet). They look identical. He will never know the difference.

Don't judge me. You didn't see him crying. It broke my heart.

I'm secretly a superhero. Albeit one that occasionally tells little white lies. But still a superhero nontheless.

In the Name of God

And then he lies. No kidding. He sends me an email about how he has NEVER been abusive blah blah blah and why am I so bitter, blah blah blah and that I am so hostile and that I need to move on. Whatever.

Then he signs his email "in peace and in the name of God"

WTF?

In the name of GOD? Are you kidding me? Seriously- he might as well have said "In the name of God, I am the biggest liar on the planet".

People like that scare the heck out of me. NO conscience whatsoever. I mean, you can't even REFORM people like that.

Even scarier- That a guy like that can go around claiming to be a devout Muslim. No wonder the world hates Muslims. Look at some of the people who speak out. The louder, obnoxious ones who get the limelight are always the sleazebags.

How come the nice ones never get the limelight? I'd like to see some of the nicer Muslims represent our community. Instead of, well- instead of the freaks.

OK rant over. Back to work. No more checking personal emails. They put me in a bad mood.

Your Time Will Come, But This is Not Your Time

Words of wisdom from one of my best friends. This was said to me a week ago when I was going mental with my ex's last stunt. My friend was calming me down when I was feeling totally fed up and ready to give up. Some days, I just feel like it will never end. Like I will be suffering through this crap forever, like no matter how many prayers I pray, or how many times I am patient, it just never gets easier. I wanted to rip into him. But my friend reminded me- My time will come. But today is not my time. Yet.

He's right. Patience is the key. I've been patient for awhile. I was patient for those 11 years as I suffered one black eye after another. I was patient when I left and he cleaned out the bank accounts and cash advanced all my credit cards. I was patient in the legal documents, when he made up all those lies. My friend was right. I can be patient just a little bit longer. After all, we know the end is near. We are after all, in court. It has to be over in the next 8 months or so. Even if God forbid, it doesn't go the way I want (which I am hoping is unlikely), but even if that happens, I will have clearly defined non-negotiable boundaries and I won't have to deal with him anywhere near as much as I do today.

My other girlfriend is right too. No matter how bad this is, and no matter how financially ruined I will be, I am waaaaaaay better off this year than I was last year. And I was better off last year than the year before.

Look at it this way- I no longer have to use a cover stick around my eyes as part of my morning getting-dressed routine. And I know that my kids will never have to do it. I know that with certainty, because my kids have a safe home.

That and the fact that if he ever does hurt my babies again, I'll have his butt whipped into jail. And he knows it.

You're right my friend. My time will come. It's been coming little by little already.

What Constitutes a Single Parent?

Interesting question. This came to my mind while I was at the gym today (as a side note, I am having the toughest time getting back into the gym routine after it got de-railed in Ramadan. I think I need a week off work to just push through the gym and get back on track, and I'm seriously considering taking the time off and doing just that).

Anyhow, the context was a conversation I had with the children. My son was saying that their dad says he's a "single dad". OK- well, technically you might be, but really, come on. I mean, having the kids 4 days a month doesn't make you a single dad. It takes a lot to be a father, and more to be a single father. Any man can be a sperm donor. It takes a certain kind of person to be a real father, and especially a single dad in the true sense of the term. I think that the following should be a minimum to making you be entitled to use the "Single Parent" title:

• You actually do homework with your children
  
• You take them to medical appointments
• You take care of them when they are sick (instead of sending them home to the other parent)
  
• You bathe them (he never does- ewww)
• You feed them, and do their laundry
• You encourage them
• You have a tight limited schedule because there aren't enough hours in the day and you are almost permanently their mom and their dad, the breadwinner and the housewife
  
• You are gentle and loving
• You are indeed the sole parent in the house on an ongoing basis

He doesn't do any of these things. He doesn't even buy diapers for our daughter. I get rude emails that say that he needs pull ups and since I get child support, I should buy things for them. Never mind the fact that he makes more money than I do (that he doesn't declare), or that it's just $20 for God's sake.

I don't think he's entitled to use the single parent title. I think it would be more appropriate for him to say "Hi, I'm the guy who beat up my wife so many times that she finally left me, oh yeah, and I choked our son, and abused my children regularly so I only get to see them four days a month".

Not a single dad.

I know. I sound bitter. There isn't enough therapy in the world that can get rid of the disappointment I have in that man.

I guess I need to go back to therapy again. :)

The Engagement Party

I went to an engagement party today with the children. It's been a very long while since I've seen all these people in one room at once. I mean ALL of them. I think that the last time I saw this Desi crowd in totality was at my sister's wedding. I mean, WOW. Desi people are the same no matter where you go. They just don't change.

I think the one thing I noticed today that I didn't notice before was the division. These were once my family's close friends. Once. Almost about 4 years ago. At the time of my sisters wedding. That was also the same time as my separation.

Shortly after my sister got married, she moved to Kuwait for a year. My divorce situation intensified and I became the talk of the gossip-mongering Desi town. I hated these people. All of them. I never liked the crowd, even while growing up. Too much pressure, too much backbiting, too much of the fake friendships. I always wanted out of this community.

When I first separated, my dad couldn't handle the things that were being said about me, and he couldn't handle the fact that his friends were amongst the people talking. Just remember boys and girls, a good Desi girl NEVER leaves her husband. Abuse is common and often tolerated. I left him. They knew it. Rumors spread all over the place. My dad confronted his friends. He told them they were no longer friends. Many friendships ended, partially because of how upset my dad was, and how badly he told people off.

Today, as I sat in the room and looked around, I was very aware of the divisions. I knew which people I was to greet and which ones to stay away from. There were tables of friends that once sat with my mom and dad who no longer did today. Those were the tables I avoided. There were other tables with friends gathered around my parents. It made me sad. My parents did suffer the impact of my divorce. True, my dad could have handled people differently, but at the end of the day, my divorce has cost my parents certain friendships. Nobody ever voiced it. My parents never said it, my siblings never said it. But today, I realized it.

I saw another lady today. She was a cute older lady who I absolutely adored. I haven't seen her in years. Many years, well before the divorce. In fact, today, I realized it was well before I had the kids. I realized it when she greeted me and said "What happened? You've put on weight!" (typical Desi conversation). I was puzzled at first. I said, "No, I've lost 30 lbs" then she looked puzzled. I then realized that she last saw me BEFORE I was pregnant with my son. That was over 8 years ago. I smiled and told her "You're right, I HAVE put on weight". (I have about 20 lbs left to lose to get back to that weight). Truthfully though, I'd settle for just another 10lbs. Anyhow, if anyone else had made that comment, I would have drop kicked them. This little old lady meant me to harm. She's just a very direct personality, but I know how much she always loved me, so I didn't take it badly at all.

Anyhow, I realized tonight why I don't go to these events. Most of these people are not friends. These are the people who stress me out. There are pockets of friends like the adorable little old lady who wishes only well, but other than that, these were mostly the judgmental, fake people that I saw today. I have no patience left for this.

I think I should go 8 years before seeing these people again. As for the little old lady, I would have tea with her any day. :)

Mental note....If I should ever decide to marry again, I'm NOT having a wedding. I'm doing vows at home, and having my own party where I greet my guests at the door and invite only the ones I want there and I get to tell the rest to take a hike. And I don't have to act shy and keep my head down. Nor do I have to wear a God awful sparkly duppata (headscarf) that weighs more than a bag of cement. Oh ya, and the guest list will be less Desi and more....not Desi.

That's IF I ever decide to marry again. Big IF.

I Wonder How it Would Feel

If we had a dad like that.

This is the conversation that I heard in the car driving home yesterday. My son and daughter were talking. They were talking about Rich. They were saying that it would be so cool to have someone like him as a father. Mary said "Can you even IMAGINE what it would be like to have a dad like that? A dad who is fun, who is nice, who is patient? Why did we get a mean dad? How does God decide which kids get the nice dads and which ones get the mean ones?"

I felt so sorry for them when I heard that. Thank God they didn't ask me the question. I truly don't have the answer. I've been asking myself that very question "How does God decide which girls get the nice husbands and which ones get the creeps?"

I didn't say a word. I just listened. I had no way to console them, no way to make them feel better, no idea what would help.

A mother who can't make it better. How nice. Aren't mothers supposed to be able to make everything better? At least when the children are little, and their issues/problems are on a smaller scale to what they are when they become teenagers?

I was tucking my daughter in at night and and she asked how we know that God made good decisions. Oh crap. Another question that I am not able to answer. I suck at this. Parenting is really hard work. I asked her what she meant. She asked "How do you know that God sees and knows everything? What if he misses something? Maybe that explains why some people suffer more than others. Maybe God doesn't know everything, so that's why everything is not always fair".

Double crap.

I explained to her that part of faith is "blind trust". That we trust in God, even though we don't see him or talk to him, but that the justice piece all works out in the end. You may see an injustice today, but it may get double better next year, to make up for what happened this year.

"What if you don't really believe that there is a God anymore?"
"Mary- are you saying that you don't believe in God?"
"I think that's what I mean. If God is there, he isn't very fair. So if he's there, he's mean. Either that, or maybe he isn't there".

Triple Crap. I seriously cannot do this.

I can't even blame her. I've been through this one myself, and I'm still not 100% there. At the end of the day, I can be a great caregiver, a great emotional support, a great homework-doer, but this stuff, wow. I really am not equipped for this.

So let me get this straight. My ex's behavior with the children is making them lose faith in God. How nice.

Damn him for screwing up the kids. Damn him to hell.