Twas the Night before Eid....

Well, maybe not. That all depends on which Eid you're celebrating. You got it ladies and gentlemen. Our community does it again. Who let the freaks out?

So, for many people, today is Eid, for others, Eid is tomorrow. We are celebrating tomorrow, because it is the scheduled day according to the scientific method. I can go with that. Following a bunch of opinionated Mullahs scratching their beards and trying to come to an agreement is one thing I cannot stomach. Not now, and hopefully not ever. My kingdom for some sanity. I'm so embarrassed. Silver lining- at least I don't have to face the office with the stupidity.

Anyhow, my back is still majorly messed up. As it turns out, my ex did let me see the kids on my son's birthday last Sunday. He also told me to keep them till the next day. When the next day came around, he told me to keep them again. Apparently he was too busy. I reluctantly agreed, but in hindsight, I shouldn't have. Caring for the kids is tough when your back is out. I honestly spent most of the time in bed, and if I didn't have my family and friends cooking and sending food over, I don't know how we would have survived.

In addition to that, the meds started to mess me up big time. The pills made my ulcer flare up. So I cut to a half dose. It didn't help the back pain, but it did calm the ulcer pain. Then I started to get depressed and cry alot. There was one point where I was so exhausted that I went to bed without taking the pain killers. I woke up with a totally clear head, but massive pain. Basically, the pills were messing me up mentally. So now, I'm off the pain killers, my back is killing me, but the mental state is much better. No more crying spells. Sucks to be me.

Anyhow, I've asked my ex to take the kids for the 2 days that he owes me so I can get some rest. He can't just dump them back on me at his whim. Don't get me wrong, I love the kids, but to have to care for them when I can't even sit or stand for long periods of time, that's just mean. My ex has refused to help me by taking them and making up the 2 days so I can rest. Honestly, when it comes to the kids and my ex, I stand alone.

So here I am, kids are here with me. Eid is tomorrow, and my Ex is giving me a hard time about schedules and child care. Rumor has it that he has a girlfriend. If it's true, I'm thrilled cuz he will get off my back. On the other hand, it would explain his attitude where the kids are concerned. Some men can be so selfish. Then again, I'm sure his assholeness will work to my advantage one day.

Happy 7th Birthday Honey!

I emailed my ex on Christmas Eve (yesterday) requesting to see our son. It was after all, his 7th birthday, and although it was my ex's weekend with the children, I am legally entitled to see him on his birthday. My ex responded by saying that I could see him for "just a moment", enough to say hello, give him a hug, and then he would be on his way. I told him that it was cruel of him, and that he should re-read the child access agreement. Later on that day, he wrote back saying that I could see him only if I took both kids, and kept them until the evening of Christmas Day. He obviously made plans in between, but I didn't care. I was going to see my baby after all.

I frantically scrambled to put together some semblance of a family birthday party. My parents agreed to come over, Mich and Rich came with their son, and a few other friends came as well. We ended up making it a pot luck birthday party (I had less than an hour's notice), and I managed to get a birthday cake. In the end, it worked out well. We had dinner, cake, and presents. My son was totally thrilled and he had a blast. Just call me supermom. (With the help of some super friends of course).

Anyhow, we went to visit friends for Christmas lunch today, and then when it was time to take the children back to my ex later this afternoon, he basically told me to keep them until tomorrow. Bonus. I get to have Christmas dinner with the kids too! I took them to my sister's place for dinner, and the kids had fun. I dropped them off at my ex's place late tonight (like 11:30pm) because it was easier for me than doing the early morning drop off he had requested. The meds I'm on are leaving me very groggy in the morning, so I thought it would be best for them to wake up at his place tomorrow. I wasn't sure if I could get up and get them dressed in time tomorrow.

Their big bash birthday party with their dad is tomorrow. They are really looking forward to it. For their sake, I hope they have a good time. I'm resting well with the knowledge that I've done the best I could for my children, given whatever resources I had available to me at the time. All I can ever do is put my best effort in, and the results that come, well, those are pretty much the results that were meant to be. In this case, my son was meant to have a family party. I'm happy to have been part of it.

The Holiday Weekend Alone

Well, I didn't go to NY. As things turned out, my friend's schedule had a change of plans, and my back was out, and so on. As it turns out, it's probably for the best because the weather in NY was so bad this morning, that Laguardia had no flights coming in or out. That combined with my bad back would have meant long wait times at the airport, so no thanks to that. So here I am, an entire weekend alone, no kids, a huge opportunity to hang out and have fun with friends, and my back is out. I'm trying not to feel depressed, but man, it's depressing. There is so much stuff I could do in the house, but no energy to do any of it. I think I'm going to try the movie marathon thing, if my back can handle having me sit like that for long periods of time.

My son's birthday is tomorrow. I'm hoping my ex will let me see him, as I want to give him his birthday present. I'm just not sure how responsive my ex will be. He's been such a jerk lately that it's hard to tell with him. Then again, I am entitled to see my child on his birthday. I'll send an email and try my luck.

I have plans with family on Christmas day. I'm hoping to have a better back by boxing day, cuz that's my shopping day since I was like 5. I had NO desire to step in a mall today, so you know I'm not myself. I did however, make it out for a back massage. It helped a bit, but only a bit. I'm really hoping the pain will let go sooner or later.

In the meantime, I'm going to try the popcorn/movie in bed thing. I've got a few DVDs compliments of Rich, so they should keep me busy.

Highways Scare Me

Big time. No really. I started my holidays on Tuesday of this week. It was my first day off. I decided to spend that first day taking care of myself. I had an appointment with my Naturopath, and one with my hairdresser. I thought it would be nice to pick my daughter up early from daycare and take her with me. If nothing else, she would spend time with me, and keep me company. She loved the idea. I even got her haircut.

On the way home from downtown, I was taking the side streets, because the highway was packed. As soon as I heard that things cleared up on the highway, I ventured onto the 401 West. Big mistake.

I was driving in the left lane of the express, so yeah, the fast lane. There were 2 cars driving in front of me. I was going about 110, close enough to the speed limit. I don't think the cars in front of me saw the fully stopped vehicle in our lane. I think his lights were off or something. His blinkers were definitely not on. So here we go...going 110, car 1 in front of us smashes into the disabled car. Car 2 directly in front of me smashes into car 1. Car 3 (me) veers onto the shoulder, and gets side smashed by car 1 which was out of control after being hit by car 2. Car 4 (behind me) smashes into me, as it gets hit by car 5 behind him. I hit the guardrail, my tire pops, and my car skids across the highway. It was totally freaky. 6 cars smashed up, all because of the idiot fully stalled in the fast lane in the express. What a mess.

As soon as I realize what happened, I call my daughter's name. No reply. I call again. No reply. I freak and scream her name, and she responds. Apparently I woke her up. You heard correct. The kid slept through the 3 smashes on our car. How crazy is that? She says she's fine. I call 911, and get put ON HOLD for a minute and a half because their call centre has more than the usual amount of calls. No kidding. On hold. From 911. If I was having a heart attack, I would have died. I explain the crash to them, and tell them there are 5 other vehicles, all smashed up. They send the OPP and an Ambu-Bus, which, I never knew even existed. I can feel my knees are bruised from hitting the dashboard. I can't move my neck, my lower back is in pain, and I feel pain down my leg. Bad. I get out of the car and limp around to see what happened. Front passenger side smashed, front tires popped, back bumper definitely hit. I get back in the car and wait. Next I phone Mich and tell her to get my son. She agrees. Next I phone my ex, and get his voice mail. I hang up. I try again. No answer. I hang up. I send him a text and tell him to pick up his phone. He replies back and says 'I don't want to talk to you. Send me an email'. I respond back. 'This is urgent, please call me'. No call. Jerk.

When the police arrive, I give my statement. I watch as everyone gets put onto stretchers into the ambu-bus. I take my daughter and we walk onto the ambulance/bus. We get to the Credit Valley Hospital in Mississauga and they try to turn the bus away. Go to another hospital, we're too busy they say. Our paramedic explains that there was a 5/6 car crash and that we have people in stretchers. Let us in. They reluctantly agree. We get out. I'm put in a wheelchair even though I insist I can walk. Yes, but it will be awhile I'm told. God Bless our Health Care System.

When we get inside, I hear the nurse say the wait will be around 5-7 hours. The paramedic complains, what for? She replies that this is a routine check. What's so routine about people in stretchers with neck and spine injuries? He asks, she says that nobody's paralyzed, so wait in line. Wow, I think to myself. I cannot sit here for 7 hours with my 5 year old daughter. She is fine, and it's now 9pm and she hasn't had dinner. I call my ex and leave a voice mail explaining what happened. I wait 10 minutes. No return call. I text him saying something along the lines of 'dammit, there is a basic human element here. Call me back asap'. He finally calls. I ask if he got my message. Yes, he responds. 'you had an accident, you're in the hospital, and now you want me to babysit our daughter'. He sounds annoyed. I tell him he's an asshole and hang up the phone. I call Mich. She agrees to take my daughter. She offers to feed and bathe both kids and put them to bed. Honestly, friends are the family you chose.

Anyhow, I tell the nurse that I'm not paralyzed, nothing is broken, but I definitely need something for the pain and inflammation. I have a bad back to begin with so I know what I'm saying. And I really don't want to sit here for 7 hours. She smiles and wheels me to a different section. "You'll be seen within an hour here" she says. She was right. The doctor gives me a prescription for an anti-inflammatory and for Percocet. Yes, percocet, the infamous drug that has a street value of $25 bucks a pill cuz it makes you really high. I've never been high, but I do have to say, it felt pretty darn good. No pain, and I felt like I was literally flying. WOW.

The next morning, I get a text message from my ex, asking if the kids are ok, hurt, or in the hospital. I'm in disbelief. I respond saying "go to hell". He responds back saying he has the right to know as a legal parent. Holy crap. You didn't care when I called from the hospital, why the hell would you care now? I decide not to respond. Really- it's not like he gives a damn.

Anyhow, Wed, I went to the chiro and I'm told my back is totally messed up. I just spent the last 7 years fixing it and so this sucks. My daughter will only need 3 treatments and then she should be fine. Thank God.

I am still glad to know that we are OK. A bad back is the minimal impact you would expect from a crash. It could have been much worse. I'm glad someone was looking out for me.

In the meantime, I'm trying to deal with the back pain and not being able to stay in one position for any length of time. I'm sure that will pass in time. In the meantime, at least I'm off work until the 8th. It will at least give me time to heal before I go back into the office.

Other than that, it's life as usual. I have a ticket to New York for this weekend. I'm not sure if I can go. I called Air Canada, and they told me that I can decide as late as Friday night. That gives me some time to see if I'm ok to travel. I called my chiropractor and she told me to just go ahead. At the end of the day, I'll just have to do the same thing there that I do here- change positions whenever my back gets sore, keep taking the meds, and get a good night's sleep. I'll decide tomorrow. :)

The Corporate World is a Superficial World

I'm coming to terms with this fact. I've just been through a bit of a phase where I was totally anti-corporate for a few weeks. I think a few things led up to it...

1. When my boss was let go. It wasn't so much the fact that he was let go (I mean, that did bug me), but it was the way it happened. After over 30 years with the company, I personally didn't like the way it was handled. But, I've now come to terms with the fact that business is business, and sometimes, companies have to do not-so-nice things in order to maintain their rules, their plans, their policies. It's nothing personal, just basic business.
2. Going through the re-org- I found it kind of cold the way people were going to be shuffled around with no sense of what they were doing or where they would end up. Then again, that's kind of the point. Businesses have to go about their work without focusing on feelings and emotions etc. After all, how else would they become profitable? To remain competitive and make money for their shareholders and keep their standing as an organization in the market, they have to look at the bottom line. It's just business. Again, nothing personal.
   
3. When Syd died. This was hard for me. Harder was the fact that I was the only one around hit really hard by his death. I know I was closer to him than most people, but at the end of the day, some people basically seemed like I shouldn't have been that upset. That just upset me more. It made me feel like I was not allowed to be human if I want to maintain a career in the corporate world. Like I would have to become some kind of mutant, cold, hard, be-otch or something. If that's the case, someone as emotional as me will never fit in. Where I am now is that:

• I understand that I was more upset than most because Syd and I were very good friends, but that there was a combination of things: If you manage people, you are expected to bounce back faster, because you are expected to lead by example. If it sounds cold, that's because it is. But I kind of get it. I mean, if a manager breaks down, then some may lose respect for them. Others may not. That's just one of the risks of the corporate world.
  
• Part of the issue may have been my perception around what people were thinking. I'm not sure if they were awkward because they lost respect for me, or if it were just that they didn't know what to say. Either way, still awkward. The corporate world is DEFINITELY not good with emotions or feelings.

So where I am today, is that yes, the corporate world is many things:

• Harsh- they can't worry about feelings or emotions or even the human element for too long if it means an impact to their core business. Business is business. The best a corporation can do is do the best they can to treat their people with respect, fair pay, and a decent benefits package whenever possible. Everything else is driven by the bottom line. Nothing personal, it's just the way it has to be.
  
• It is not an emotional place. This is especially difficult when someone is an emotional person (like me). Truth be told, if you want to survive in the corporate world, you have to either learn to suck it up, or find a new place to work that is less corporate. What does that mean for me? I'm not sure. I mean, while you can't be emotional in the corporate world, you can be human, but only to a limit. I need to decide if that will work for me. Maybe I would be a better fit in the public sector, or a not-for-profit company, or a smaller company. But like I said, I'm not sure.
• Not loyal. No company in corporate North America is ever going to be loyal to anyone. Never. So, there is no need to develop feelings of loyalty towards a company in return. A job is a job, and a career is a career, but at the end of the day, every person needs to look out for their own interests, just as every company will certainly do the same. Nothing personal.
• Superficial- what you wear, who you know, what organizations you belong to, how broad your network is, these are all relevant factors. It's all about appearances. I never really believed this one before, but I'm starting to realize it now. As sick as it is, that's the God honest truth.

I always knew this about the corporate world. I mean, I'm the one who while studying in the MBA program constantly reminded everyone that the corporate world is like a game of chess. You have to plan your next move, keep a straight face, and stick to the game. At the end of the day, it's all a game.

None of this has changed. But I think I was delusional for awhile there. I think working with an awesome boss and making awesome friends at the office cushioned me from the realities of the corporate world. But now, as it all unravels, I was looking at everything in shock. There is nothing to be shocked about. I think I knew this all along, but I never realized how lucky I was. You never appreciate what you have till it's gone. Now, as I find myself in just another typical corporate world, I've become disillusioned, and disappointed.

The good news is, I've snapped out of it for the most part. I realize where I am, and what this means. I also realize that somewhere along the way, I've changed too. When I was in business school, I was more aggressive, more driven. After two children and a divorce, I'm in a different head space altogether. Where I once thrived on the long work week, I now dread it. Where I once loved the game, I now find it tiresome and insensitive. It might be the mother in me, it might be the stuff I've been through. It might be that I've changed. But here is the reality- I have changed, and so, maybe the environment around me needs to change as well. Then again, maybe not. Maybe I still have a bit of the corporate girl in me.

I do work for a good company, and I do recognize that as much as I am sitting here describing the insensitive corporation, it has also been beneficial for me. I did, after all, obtain my freedom from my ex, because of the financial independence my corporate career gave me. I also benefited from a lot of understanding from the office while I went through the divorce. True, it was my boss's kindness, but then again, he is also a product of the corporate world, and he could only have supported me as much as the company's policies would allow him/empower him to do. Again, it's all about perspective, and I'm starting to realize it's a bit of a love/hate relationship too.

So for now, I'm going to ride out this re-org and stay where I am. In a year or so, I'm going to give corporate North America another evaluation, and then decide where I want to be.

Who knows? Maybe I'll find that after doing some research, the grass is pretty green on this side of the fence after all.

Even Teachers Fear the Weirdos

While at my daughter's Christmas concert yesterday, I approached her teacher and advised that I wouldn't be able to attend our parent-teacher interview, scheduled for tomorrow (Friday), as I have a late meeting to attend at the office. I told her that she can go ahead and meet with my ex, and that I would schedule some time with her next week so that we can chat. I'm off as of Tuesday next week, so I'm pretty flexible schedule wise. She had this nervous look on her face, and then she said "Actually, he's scary. I don't want to meet with him alone. Can you just ask him to come with you next week?" I chuckled and said that I would speak to him. He agreed to meet with us next Tuesday. She thanked me for the effort.

This morning, when I went in to drop my daughter off, the same teacher approached me once again and said "Please don't mind, but when we meet next week, can we keep the meeting really short? I'll give you guys an overview, and then you and I can meet another time to talk. He kind of has a tendency to get over-involved". Um, sure. Why not?

But wow. Think about it for a second. The TEACHER doesn't like speaking to the child's father. That just speaks volumes now doesn't it?

So aside from the obvious, which is that everyone knows him to be the idiot that he is, this means that nobody respects him. He makes his own bed. Thank God we aren't still married. I mean, can you IMAGINE? At least this way I can avoid the humiliation. They obviously know why he is my ex. Any other scenario and they would be wondering why I kept him as a hubby.

Man- he would just be bringing me down. We all need partners that are a good match for us. This one was anything but that.

Well, thank God I get to be seen as the "good" parent. That has to be in my favour, right?

The Beauty Industry

A girlfriend sent me this link today. (I wonder if she's trying to tell me something?) I'm hoping not, I don't think I'm that vain...

Anyhow, its a MUST see for everyone. Kudos to Dove.

The Christmas Concert

Today was my daughter's Christmas concert. She was adorable, sang her little heart out. Cute as a button. We had some drama when we were skirt shopping yesterday. I needed to buy a black bottom for her to wear. I couldn't find any skirts in her size and was about to buy pants when she sat on the floor in the Wal-Mart and threw a full-on tantrum. "NOOOO! I want a skirt! I need to look pretty! The other girls will look better than me!"

Yeah chickie. Maybe you should try getting off the nasty floor first.

We can dress them as girls, but they don't always act like princesses. Either way, she won, because I managed to find a velvet and lace skirt. Very girly. I almost didn't want to buy it though, because I felt like I was caving into the tantrum. Then again, I did tell her we were going to Wal-Mart to buy a SKIRT. So it is kind of my own fault.

Anyhow, at the Christmas concert, I found out that my daughter doesn't get stage fright. I am always surprised when kids that age manage to remain confident. Afterwards, one of the teachers commented on how well behaved she is, and how strong she is in a public environment. (Clearly, they didn't see her at the Wal-Mart yesterday). I said "Yeah, I'm glad she can manage in front of the crowd...man, how did that happen?", and she said "Well, look who her mommy is". Nice compliment, but are you KIDDING ME? I guess they don't see my neurotic side, or my stress-O-Rama days or my cannot handle stress moments. I'm sure my office friends would beg to disagree with this comment. Funny how everyone can look good when you're on the outside looking in. When you're on the inside looking out, you feel less competent than the rest of the world. Just an observation.

Anyhow, naturally, my ex was there. I didn't say much to him. He went on and on introducing himself to the other parents, blabbing about his stupid birthday party for the kids. What a moron. Like I give a damn. He's just making an ass of himself. One of the mothers who brought their daughter to my daughter's party in October said "Oh, I think I got a card from your..." and I cut her off and I said "EX husband. Yes, I heard about that." And then I smiled. And she gave me the "oh" and nodded. Honestly....I was so much happier when this twit moved to Dubai. That was a few months of bliss. If only he would go again, and leave me the hell alone.

Anyhow, I called the parents today and cancelled the party I had arranged for this Sunday. Now I need to call Chuck E Cheese and try to get my deposit back.

Like I said to my friend earlier...sometimes the wrong guys jump off the bridge. The mean ones will never jump.

Guilt by Association

So much for taking a vacation day on Friday. I find that my plans don't seem to stick these days. The office seems to be taking over and I'm feeling really bombarded. Stuff just keeps coming up.

On a good note, I did decide to book my vacation from Tuesday next week onwards. So I won't have to go back to the office until January 8th. That is fantastic news. New year, fresh slate, or so I hope. 2006 was a really crappy year for me, big time. The only silver lining this year is that I finally got my name and identity back, and I'm finally rid of my jerk of an ex husband. Ok, and I made some good friends, but still....alot of crap this year, and regardless of the few good things that did happen, it was overall a very bad year. Come to think of it, so was 2005. Wait, and 2004. Either way, 2006 was definitely worse than those years. At least, I think. Hmmm....what is it they say? Luck comes in 7 year strokes? I wonder when the good luck will start again? Man, that's depressing. I'll drop this topic for now...

As for my ex, I did give him a piece of my mind today. He called and asked me for help with something work related. I was in disbelief. He called from another number that I didn't recognize so I actually answered the call. Then he started talking like nothing was wrong. I told him that he's a real jerk, and that I've had it with him. Don't call me again. And yeah, regarding your party for the kids, thanks for making the kids look like the class idiots. The only people you've harmed is them. And by the way buddy, I'll cancel my party but you owe me the deposit back. Yeah, you. Call it a penalty for your assholeness. He agreed to pay it. Especially since I told him I would not have anything to do with him. After he agreed to pay for it, I told him I still wanted nothing to do with him. All he's doing is proving to the world that he's a nutcase and a jerk. I am so sick of it.

It's embarrassing to even be associated with him in any way, even as an ex. I mean, admitting that he is my ex means admitting to the world that I was actually dumb enough to marry him. That tells the world that at least at one point in my life, I had no standards, and no class. Nice.

End of Rant. Wow. I feel better now :)

A Premature Visit

I worked out of my other office today. It's the office where my friend worked. I went there to basically pick up some of the pieces which have obviously fallen through the cracks. I think I went there too early. Yes I got alot of work done, and yes, I've potentially caught many things before they went haywire, therefore saving future re-work, but I think it was too emotional, too difficult, too soon.

I felt the lump in my chest as I pulled into the parking lot. I felt it get worse as I went up the elevator. When I got inside and walked over to his desk, which was now cleaned out (my they work fast), well, I was in full tears. Great way to start the day.

Anyhow, I tried my best to stay composed. But see, many people wanted to talk to me about him, since it's the first time I saw them since his death. I didn't say much about him, just that I miss him, and that we all need to move past this. I tried my best to keep composed, but I did find it hard, since this was the major topic of the day in between all my meetings, even at my meetings. That's great. Just what I need. To look incompetent or unable to handle stress. Nice one. On the other hand, this could be me being overly sensitive. They did, after all, know better than most colleagues in my office just how close I was to him. I dunno, it's all weird.

Another weird thing, and this was by far the hardest part. I got an email from his girlfriend today. It was a really nice email, very sweet. I was in a meeting and froze when I saw it on my blackberry and saw who it was from. The subject read "the one we love". Her email was very kind, especially given we never got the chance to meet. We were supposed to meet this past Saturday. She said that she didn't see me as his coworker, but only as his friend. That he always spoke highly of me, that he was excited to introduce us to each other. She sent me recent pictures of him so that I could keep them, and asked if I would meet her for lunch this week so we could talk. I agreed. I would love to meet her. And then I opened the note. Yes, apparently there was a note. 3 in fact. One for her, and one for each of his children. the police held it until after the funeral. I think that is insanely cruel, especially since the funeral was 8 days after they found his body.

Anyhow, it was a short note, and it never exactly said why he did it, or what the final straw was, but it seems to have been the guilt. He said that he felt he needed to do this, that he couldn't hold on any longer, and that he seems to destroy everything he touches. It broke my heart to read it. I've heard him speak like that before. We don't know what his final straw was. I'm still wondering on that front.

Apparently, he didn't go home on Tuesday night. So the whole thing about going at lunchtime on Wednesday to jump the bridge isn't true. They don't know if he was in the office early Wednesday morning, but he was definitely gone before 9am. The police think he jumped around 8am. But some people at this office think they saw him really early in the morning. It's totally possible, since he starts at 6am. I'm not sure what really happened. I do know that my suspicion was right. He seems to have taken the Monday off as a vacation day to plan. His girlfriend thought he was working. The office thought he was working from home, and he told me it was a vacation day. Best way to avoid everyone. I couldn't hound him on his day off. His girlfriend couldn't hound him if he was in the office. The office didn't hound him if he was working from home. So what did he do on that Monday?

Anyhow, I'm taking this Friday as a vacation day, and it looks like I might be meeting her on Friday. I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to hear her side of what happened. Maybe it will help me make more sense of things. I think that's exactly what she is hoping to achieve as well. I have half a story and she has the other half. And so between the two of us, we my find a better, clearer picture.

The Birthday Game

This is really stupid. Recall the birthday conversation I had with my ex on Friday when he showed up at my door with flowers (yet again). The one other thing that I forgot to mention in my post is that before he left, he said that he wanted to start celebrating the children's birthdays. I know the 'start celebrating' thing sounds weird, but here is the background; he doesn't like to celebrate birthdays. He never did. Never. But now that I've been doing it for the children, he feels competitive or something and wants to take part. He was really pushing to be allowed to celebrate with us this year. I told him that if it meant that much to him, then next year, he can throw one child's party, and I can throw the other child's party, and the following year we can rotate. He agreed to follow this schedule commencing next year.

When the children came home from their dad's place this weekend, they were talking about the weekend, and told me that their dad was throwing a birthday party for my son. But, it's a "secret" birthday party and they are not to share the details with me. But here is the kicker. I was throwing a birthday party for 8 friends from school. He has now arranged a huge birthday party for our son and has invited not only the entire hockey team to attend but also every single classmate. I have a few issues with this:

• It's downright stupid and childish
  
• He is simply trying to 'one up' me. I don't really care about this part, except that every single parent will know it. How humiliating
• More importantly, he is inviting the SAME guests as I am, i.e.- the overlapping 8 children from my son's class. We as the parents look totally stupid and incompetent. What he is effectively doing is showing that we are NOT a unified front, that we are indeed dysfunctional. He is putting other parents in the middle, as they now have to choose which party they will send their child to, his or mine. Had I known that he would throw the party, I would have just cancelled mine and let him do it. My point wasn't to throw the party, it was to make sure that our son gets to have one. His point is clearly to show that he is the one throwing the party. I'm guessing he's trying to prove some kind of point?
  
• I feel like my son's grade school teacher will think that we are dysfunctional, as he too will know what is going on as the invites get handed out in class. I wonder if this will reflect on how he views my son. The teacher might start to think our son is some messed up kid from a messed up home
• What the hell is he doing inviting 50+ people to a birthday party? At $15/$20 bucks a head, does he not know what that will cost? If he has that kind of money, why doesn't he back pay the child support he owes me, but claims he cannot afford to pay at the moment? What the hell?
  

I wanted to talk to my ex about it, but my children don't want him to know that they told me and broke the secret. What a dilemma. I feel so stupid. I wish those invitations didn't go out on Friday.

I feel total guilt by association right now. The sooner I can get this loser of an ex to move on, the better off my life will be.

Sigh.

We Might as well be in Nazi Germany

Wow. I can't believe I missed this story. I must have been really caught up in things. I'm still having a hard time believing that people actually made comments like this. I keep thinking it must have been a hoax. If it's not a hoax, which it looks like it's not, hats off to the radio host.

The world is becoming a very scary place. Bad time to be a Muslim though...

--------------------

Update....wow. It was true. I still can't believe I missed it. I checked the CAIR site and found this.

Very Small World

I attended a dinner party at my aunt's place tonight. We had a nice time. Yes, that aunt, where I often feel judged etc etc. Don't ask. It was a family gathering. It's amazing how family can sometimes be the worst at pressuring and judging each other. I feel the most judgement from my divorce and religious decisions from these family members than I do from the rest of the world put together. Every time I go there I feel judged and like I'm looked down upon. Sigh.

I was talking to a friend on the way there, and describing where I was going, and what I was wearing. What I wear when I see these people is always an ordeal. I have to make sure the clothes are loose so they don't think I dress too provocatively. I have to make sure I wear long sleeves so they don't say "Oh look she took off the scarf AND the sleeves. Slut." I have to make sure that nothing is too sheer, and that my makeup isn't too prominent. Basically, I have to look like the pious mother, who went through unfortunate circumstances and had to get divorced, leaving her to be a single woman with nobody to love her for the rest of her pathetic days on this planet. No, I'm not kidding. I can face my scarf friends while I'm in short sleeves and makeup, but not my scarf aunt. Double sigh.

Anyhow, I told my friend that I was wearing a flower printed long sleeved Indian outfit, and yes, my hair is neatly tied in a bun. He howled. "Are you kidding? Can I see you?" No. You may not. And stop laughing. "Do you look homely? I can't believe you're wearing something like that. No, I can't believe you OWN something like that". Oh yes I do, and I am. Sad isn't it? The things we do just to avoid "hearing it" from family.

Anyhow. I'm at their home for dinner, and my brother in law who is a school Vice Principal is talking about how he had to go to another nearby school and sit in as acting Vice Principal there so that their VP and Principal could go to a funeral on Thursday. Apparently, some teacher's husband went and jumped off a bridge and so those guys were going to the funeral to support their co-worker. I froze. Small world isn't it?

I found it odd that my friend's almost ex wife (who apparently has now been positioned as the loving wife) told everyone in her circle (including the school where she works) that he jumped off the bridge, but was telling our office that nobody was to know this information. I don't get it. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he jumped at lunch time. I still find that part weird. Something had to have happened that day. I hardly think he got up with the intention of killing himself, but decided to go into work in the morning and wait till his lunch hour to go to the bridge. That wouldn't make sense. I wonder if his final straw was something work related? Gosh I find that thought scary.

Anyhow...like I said, very small world.

No More Flowers!!!

Oi, my head. I woke up this morning to yet another phone call from my ex. He was asking if he could help out by dropping the children off to school. I hesitantly agreed, as I also had to hurry out of the house to go to an appointment and then meet my girlfriend. My ex showed up, with yet another bouquet of flowers in hand. Enough is enough. I told him that this was his third bouquet of flowers to me this week, and that it is highly inappropriate for an ex husband to be constantly giving flowers to an ex wife. He tried to re-assure me by saying that he was just trying to establish a kind and peaceful relationship with me, and that I should at least try to meet him half way. I told him that he could create a peaceful relationship in a way that didn't require flowers. I cannot after all be purchased, nor do I want the constant reminder of his flowers all around my house. I asked him to take the flowers home and he refused. Sigh.

Then my son was packing his backpack and inserted his birthday party invitations in the pocket. I allowed my son to invite 8 of his school friends to Chuck E Cheese's for his birthday. That will make 10 kids in total, which is about all that I can handle. Anyhow, my ex saw the cards and asked why I didn't tell him about the party. 'Because you aren't invited' is what I was thinking. Then my son asked if his dad could come. Then his dad said "yeah, can I"? Talk about putting someone on the spot. I just smiled brilliantly and said, "no- did you forget? You have a business trip to go to. Perhaps you can ask your mother to throw a party of your own when you get back."

Once my ex had the kids in the car, I called him back and told him that I was not impressed. If his visits to my home are going to taint my relationship with my children, he better not even think of "helping out" anymore. I'm sick of it. He said he didn't mean to and I told him that's even worse. If this is how jerky he is when he's trying not to be a jerk, then that just proves that he's an even bigger jerk than I thought. End of story. He reluctantly left. I'm so sick of this crap it isn't funny. Not even a bit.

Anyhow, I had a nice day shopping with my office buddy today. We both had the day off. We even saw that new movie The Holiday (very cute movie, but most definitely a chick flick). Sigh. If only real life were like that. One day, I'll write my story about a psycho marriage and divorce. It will put Sleeping with the Enemy to shame. (Yes I did watch that movie way back in the day. I was actually quite intrigued by it. Now there's a surprise). I'm being mean now. I'll stop...

Anyhow, our last stop for the day was picking up my friend's Christmas tree. What fun. I love trees, and lights, and the season, even if we don't get to celebrate it ourselves. I'm told I'm a Christmas wannabe. Funny, and true in many ways. What a beautiful season. I absolutely love it. It's so festive and fun. Too bad we (Muslims) don't get to have trees and lights, and a big, round, kind old man who generously gives gifts to the world. Santa rocks :)

The Funeral

I went to the funeral today. I'm glad I went, but it was harder than I expected. I think I thought I would be able to keep fully composed. I thought wrong. I don't think I would have managed through it if I didn't have my dear friend from the office there by my side. I actually (stupidly) forgot to take tissues with me, and there she was with her own little stash. God love her. She even gave my hand a little squeeze every now and then to let me know she was right there. It made me feel better. It was nice to have a shoulder to cry on...literally. I think she (and her shoulders) are both glad that I did buy the waterproof mascara.

I realized something today. As the coffin was moving past us and they were taking it outside, I realized that I can never really get true closure. I think that's what happens when someone commits suicide. You can learn to move on, you can learn to let it hurt a little less each day, to the point where it no longer consumes your mind, and then to a point where you don't think about it daily, but really- there isn't real closure, because you can never understand it. If someone were to die of a heart attack, I would eventually get closure because I would see it as God's will. This is just open ended stupidity and there are too many "what ifs". Sigh. In time, this will pass, and it won't be as prevalent and mentally consuming, but I seriously doubt I'll ever actually get closure. So I'm going to stop trying for that.

Do you ever feel like you're the only one in the world who cannot handle things well? I'm starting to feel that way. There were many office colleagues at the funeral, but they weren't as messed up as me. We're going through a re-org, but people aren't as ticked as I am (or so it seems). I have to deal with an Ex and I'm so fed up that even the small things are making me insane. Maybe I'm just someone who doesn't handle life well. The question is, when did I become this way? I thought there was a time when I was normal and stable...but I don't feel that way anymore. Then again, when I was in an abusive marriage, I delusionally thought I was normal and stable. When I left, I started to feel like I'm not. Kind of messed up actually.

Another thing is my memory. I feel like I have short term memory lapse or something. I keep forgetting things I said and remembering details and conversations inaccurately. I asked my doctor last month and he said that its just me being overwhelmed, but I don't know about that. I've noticed it for a few months now...but man- aren't I ALWAYS overwhelmed by something or another? I mean, maybe it's more a matter of how I deal with things and less a matter of the things that are coming up. I keep trying to defend myself by saying 'no, things are genuinely overwhelming'. I mean, I'm a single mom with a busy job and a psycho ex husband. This isn't exactly the norm for most people. On the other hand, it's like blah blah blah. Suck it up already and learn to deal with it. You made choices. Choices have consequences. Learn to deal with them, and stop complaining about it.

I feel like such a whiner sometimes. I'm hoping this, too, will change over time.

Some Closure

I went to the funeral home for my friend's visitation today. I'm proud of myself. I was able to stay composed. It was kind of freaky to see him like that. I've only ever been to a Muslim funeral, and it's a very different experience altogether. Firstly, not everyone gets to see the body, and secondly, we bury within 24 hours, so there is none of that preserving stuff happening. My friend didn't look like himself. He looked more like somebody else. If it hadn't been for his hair and his hands, I would barely have recognized him. He has very distinct hands with narrow, surgeon-like fingers, and I remember them well from all those meetings while he was writing stuff on the white board. All that makeup that they used today didn't help much either. I shudder to think what kind of bruising must have been under there.

I found out this morning that he jumped off the Leeside Bridge, and that he had been in the office Wednesday morning. Apparently he didn't come back after lunch, so that is when they think he jumped off the bridge. That is totally freaky. I drove under the bridge today going North on the DVP to get to the Funeral Home. I just about caused an accident because I was looking up at the bridge as I was driving under it. I remember thinking to myself that if I were up there, about to jump, and I was just about to do it, I would definitely chicken out. I have NO IDEA how someone can go through with something like that. None at all.

His family was nice. His son was identical to him. Face, demeanor, smile. I was shocked. I actually started to say "You look..." and he said "Exactly like my dad. Yes. So I'm told". I introduced myself to him, his sister, and their mother, and they all said that my friend had spoken about me often. Funny how I was so close to him, knew so much about the family, they apparently knew about me, but we never had the chance to meet. Sad that we had to meet under these circumstances. I met his parents as well. Absolutely charming people.

Anyhow, I left feeling alot better. It's unfortunate that he did this, and it's a very tragic story. But I think my mom is right. Every human's fate is written. I started to interject, and said "Well then, isn't it pre-determined? Then really, we have no say. Then really, what was the point?" And she said to be quiet before I become like those atheists with no faith. I have a certain office colleague who is laughing as he's reading this :)

Either way, I'll just accept that somehow, the universe balances itself out. That somebody somewhere will learn something profound from his death, and that the net effect somewhere will have to be good in some way. If I think any other way, I'll just go crazy. Ignorance is bliss.

Another weird thing. I started my day off with a big fight with my Ex. We argued about the kids and the Xmas schedule. It ended with me telling him that he's a jerk, and that he just proves to me over and over again that everything with him was one big gigantic mistake. There is a very good reason why he's my Ex. Because our relationship was a mistake. The further we are from each other, the better off we will be. Mean words, but hey- dense person.

Anyhow. He really did piss me off. I wouldn't normally have been that harsh. His response....send flowers to me at the office. OK...I just got FIGHT FLOWERS from my EX HUSBAND! There is NOTHING normal about that. Flowers from a boyfriend yes. A girlfriend, yes. A family member, why not? BUT an Ex husband? That is just wrong, and weird in too many ways. I did not phone him to thank him. There was no point. That would only encourage him to do it again. I chose to ignore the flowers. I can't be manipulated that easily. Sigh.

To anonymous. You were right...beware the bringer of flowers and sushi. Sigh.

A Laugh with a Friend

I had to work late tonight. Afterwards, I had quick dinner with a friend. I'm glad cuz I haven't laughed like that in weeks. It's such an awesome stress relief to totally let go. I need to do it more often. I only have a few friends who make me laugh, like really laugh, and this was one of them.

The office is becoming a weirder and weirder place these days. I thought I was indifferent when it came to re-orgs. I don't think I'm so indifferent anymore. I'm basically fed up and a little jarred. Not a good combination.

My day went better today. I actually got work done, and no breakdowns. Pathetic when you observe that about yourself isn't it? It's almost like you're expecting a cookie for not crying at school or something. Sigh. One step at a time. I'm hoping for a leap any day now...

Tomorrow is the visitation for my friend at the funeral hall. I'll be going there. On my way back to my car after dinner tonight, I stopped at the MAC store and picked up waterproof mascara and eyeliner. Hey, just cuz I've looked like crap for days, doesn't mean I have to go on looking like crap. The waterproof stuff is just, I dunno, insurance, in case my mind-of-its-own Niagra Falls tears factory takes over. I already did the black tears in the office one two many times, and my office colleague jokingly pointed out the benefits of switching to waterproof eyemakeup. Good point honey!

Truthfully, I am hoping to stay fully composed. I've had enough time for everything to sort of soak in. But just in case I can't (yeah, like won't that be a surprise?), nobody will know the difference. All part of my new grand master plan.

God bless waterproof fake-up.

Why the Long Face?

I went back to work today. The day started off wrong. I went to sleep at about 3:30am. For some reason, nights are the worst. Lying there in bed, my mind starts to drift, and I keep seeing him jump off the bridge, or lying in a coffin, or I keep recounting our last face to face coffee on Thursday, and I have trouble getting to sleep. To top it off, one of the children turned the volume off on my alarm clock. I woke up at 8am. Two minutes later, my Ex called to ask if I needed help with the children, since my weekend sleep was so messed up. I took him up on the offer. I let him come to my home at 8:25 and pick up the kids. That gave me 25 mins to dress them, and feed them and hand them off to my Ex. When they left, I went to get ready myself. I got to the office late, but in my defense, at least I managed to go in, and I did stay there until 7:30 pm...so hey, at least I'm doing my best.

I wasn't overall very impressed with the office. OK, yes, I looked like crap. I still couldn't get the contact lenses in my eyes, and the eye makeup was still burning, so no makeup. My skin is all peeling from wiping the tears, and so I just looked all wrong. But hey, in my defense, I did still manage to go in, right?

Anyhow, I basically got the 'what's wrong?' question, and when I said that I'm alot better, but my friend passed away on Wednesday, I did get a few of the 'you mean LAST WEEK?' type of remarks. People are so mean. Bugger off. I've never dealt with this before. I hate the corporate world sometimes. People are so damned insensitive.

The best had to be my experiences with some of the management, who basically gave me the impression that it's not OK to still be upset, and who basically implied that the office shouldn't be bothered by it. Put it this way- I asked if I could arrange to expense taxi cabs back to the office from the funeral on Thursday, given that it was a colleague who died, and I was told no, because it's not a justifiable business expense. What the hell is up with that? I am so seriously disappointed it isn't even funny. I mean, the person who died worked here for 8 years! Going to his funeral is not a justifiable expense?! Holy CRAP!!! So I guess I can assume that whenI die, they wouldn't give a damn either. Maybe by that time, they will have progressed and even attending the funeral will not be acceptable.

The corporate world is an insensitive shark pit. Now I need to decide if I still want to swim here with the sharks. Sorry ladies and gentlemen. Yes I have been here for 15 years, but these days, it is REALLY starting to disgust me. Big time. I'll write more about that another day.

Anyhow, the visitation is scheduled for Wednesday afternoon, and the funeral will be Thursday afternoon. I'm really hoping for the closure that I need. I felt so crappy but I had to spend part of my day making arrangements for projects and work to continue. I felt bad doing it, but if I don't, I'll really start to look incompetent. I made arrangements to take on some of my friend's responsibilities until they find a replacement. I'm NOT doing this for the company, but just doing it for him. Consider it my last favour to him. We spent a good chunk of our time together protecting each other and ensuring neither of us drops the ball or looks bad. I'll just keep it up for him. Why let all his work drown? He worked hard, took pride in what he did. Never mind the fact that he selfishly went and jumped a bridge and left us all in pieces. Hopefully, one day, he will explain his actions in a way that I can understand them. I do, after all, firmly believe that we will all meet again in heaven. When we do, I'm going to slap him for his stupidity, then ask him for an explanation, and then cry because he didn't care enough to trust me or take my advice and seek help from a professional therapist. Until then, I wait, but the questions are piling up. I know that I sound like a freak, but now I know that it is totally possible to be fully angry at someone, and at the same time be hurt and feel friendship too. Very screwed up, but totally possible.

Anyhow, yes there were still tears today, but less than yesterday, less than the day before, and hopefully , there will be even less tomorrow. I'm trying to get back into work, but I'm finding it hard. I think in the whole day I had maybe 4 productive hours, even though I was there till 7:30 and was genuinely trying to get stuff done the whole time. Total elapsed work time, 9 hrs, total productivity, 4 hrs. Hey, I got nothing done on Friday, so this was still better in comparison.

And like I always tell my children, tomorrow is a new day.

Trying to Let Go

As much as I thought it would be really bad for me to go to the Children's Xmas party, I'm glad that I went. Although I did not like seeing some of my colleagues, it was good to get up, get dressed, and get out of the house with the children. I did get some questions about my friend's death while I was at the Christmas event, but I stuck to the party line and said that we haven't been told what the cause of death was. Thankfully, I had to keep an eye on the children, so it was easy to use them as an excuse and run after them without having to stop and talk too long with co-workers.

I realized yesterday evening that I was not handling things well at all. By 4pm, I was still in my pajamas, as were the children, I hadn't opened the blinds in the house yet, and we hadn't stepped outside. At 4pm, my daughter came and asked "Mommy, is it morning yet?" I asked what she meant and told her that soon it would be night again, and she said "But we haven't changed and there's no sunlight today...when will it be daytime?" Man- did I ever feel bad. I got us all dressed at that very moment and went outside to the mall, and to a restaurant. Anything to keep life normal for the children. Thank God for them. See how often they save ME in life? I left a bad marriage for them, and they still force me to stay in line and make the right decisions. What a gift from God.

Anyhow, we spent a good chunk of today at the party. They had a blast, and I managed to make it through. I wasn't myself, but I was out and about with the children, and that was a good enough start I think. My eyes were so swollen I couldn't wear contacts or eye makeup, so I had to go with glasses and no makeup. I know I looked a mess, but who cares. I actually ran into my friend's manager- the one who told me about the suicide. I saw her looking right at me, and it took her about 20 seconds to recognize me. (I guess the usual contact lenses and makeup make a big difference). Anyhow, I said hello, but I REALLY wasn't ready to talk, so I used the children as an excuse yet again.

After the party, I took the children to the CN Tower. I thought it would be fun. The weird thing is, there is the part right outside where the bridge to the tower crosses over the train tracks. My son wanted to stop for awhile and watch the trains. Then out of the blue, he blurted,

"Mom, hey- what if someone ever fell off a bridge? What if a train were coming? Would someone who falls off a bridge die?" Talk about the wrong question.
"Well honey, I think they might"
"Do you ever wonder what it would be like to fall off a high place?"....
"Baby, you have no clue. I've been wondering that alot lately."

What else could I say? Tell him the truth? That every bridge I drive by makes me wonder how he did it, what his last thoughts were, and how quickly he died? No, I can't say that, so let's just not talk about it at all. Next topic please. My response "Wow- look at those lights on the tower. We should go up and check them out." Distraction usually works wonders with children. Saved.

I realized something this weekend. If you say the word 'suicide' enough times, you can almost become de-sensitized to the word. I said almost. The initial horror at the thought that he could do this to himself is slowly passing. I'm still left with the hurt, the sadness, the anger. I wish he could come back to life for just a few moments so I could slap him for what he did. Just once. I know it's sick, but what the hell was he thinking?

Anyhow, I'm trying to slowly get past this, within reason. Originally, I was planning to go to work only after the funeral (which means possibly on Thursday or Friday). I thought it would be better to get closure first, and I could always work from home until the funeral. But now, I'm thinking that it might just be better to go into the office and be around people. I'm not sure that the isolation at home is doing me any good either. Especially considering that I wasn't changing my clothes or opening the blinds. Besides, I'm done the writing/blogging thing, and it's helped as much as it could. I think the rest of the healing can only happen with time.

At least I still have tomorrow to decide. I'll see how I feel by tomorrow evening. No pressure either way. I only had one meeting scheduled for Monday morning. You guessed it. A budget review session with you-know-who. Since that won't be happening, my Monday morning is all clear. If nothing else, I can go in for a half day and work from home in the morning. I'll wing it. It all depends on how tomorrow goes. If tomorrow is a better day, I can hope for things to keep getting better. If tomorrow is worse, Monday will be pretty much unpredictable.

One day at a time. Right now, all I'm trying to do is to focus on letting go. Letting go of the anger, the frustration, the guilt, the sadness. I want to get to the point where I can look back and remember the good things, and be able to acknowledge the tragedy without having it de-rail my entire life.

Like I said, one day at a time.

A Good Friend, a Selfish Friend

My friend Graham says that suicide is a completely selfish act. I've always seen it as a more desperate act than anything else. But there is truth to the selfishness thing. I know my friend was desperate. I know things were rough for him, but they were also looking up. For him to have put his family through everything that he did, and then after all that was over, to then turn and commit suicide, well, that was just selfishness at its peak.

I keep thinking about his children, and the upcoming holiday season. I keep thinking about how much he loved them, and how they were his world. At 19 and 15, those children are going to suffer a massive blow from his decision to end his life. His son was a genius, on a full scholarship for University, and he had just started that part of his life in September of this year. He had high hopes and high dreams for his University years, and now they are going to be impacted by the trauma he will inevitably face as a result of his dear father's tragic suicide.

At this point, I see how many people are impacted by his death- family, friends, colleagues, and I can't help but look at how selfish this was. He took an easy way out, and everyone else is left to suffer and deal with the sadness, the pain, the senselessness of his actions.

On the other hand, I keep telling myself that this was out of character for him. That he wasn't himself, he was in a totally different frame of mind. The person that I know would never give up, and jumping off a bridge when life was just getting better, well, that doesn't make any sense at all. He must have been going through so much torment. If only he had tried to deal with it and get some help.

Anger, sadness, sorrow, and guilt- those are the emotions that I'm left with today.

I'm trying to get back on my feet, but I'm finding it really really hard. To top it off, I have the children with me this weekend, and it's adding to all the chaos. I am in no frame of mind to entertain the children. Thank God for television and toys.

Tomorrow, I have tickets to the company's children's Christmas party. The children are really looking forward to it. I am not. I really don't want to go to a Christmas party and run into all my collegues. I want to be alone. But I can't let the children down, so I will put on the fake smile and try to attend. But I really would rather not go at all. I mean, what's the point of avoiding the office if I just have to see everyone on Saturday anyways? I want to be left alone right now.

They have a journal that they have created at the office for my friend, so that everyone can write about their experiences with him. The journal will then be given to his family. Part of me wants to write in it and the other part is too bitter and hurt to write. I mean what do you say? I'm thinking that I'd rather just not write at all. I'm getting my feelings out here. And the rest, well that's for him, and I'll share those when I go to visit him at his gravesite in a few weeks, on my own. That will be total complete closure. I will after all, finally have the opportunity to have that chat that we were supposed to have on Thursday. It will, of course, be a different encounter altogether, but I will be going, and I will have my opportunity to be alone and make peace with all of this. The funeral however, will be a good start. They say it's scheduled for mid next week. I'm guessing Wednesday or Thursday. I can't wait for it to be over.

I sent out emails to project teams telling them to take him off their distribution lists. I can't bear to see his name on them. I get emails addressed to me and to him and it's killing me to see them. My calendar has all our re-occuring appointments and I went in and deleted them. I know you can't delete a person, nor do I ever want to do that. But I do want to eliminate all the reminders from visual range. Just for now.

Here's another funny thing. I had ordered him a gag gift. I had to cancel the order. I often joked with him that he was the nice quiet one, but really, he was the master of everything. Seriously, everything always went according to his plan. He was very diplomatic and had this knack for getting everyone to do what he wanted, but he somehow made them think it was their idea. I told him he was a voodoo master. He didn't say anything, but he secretly knew and controlled everything. So, I had purchased an office Voodoo kit that was supposed to be delivered to his desk. Given the current situation, that would be most inappropriate, so of course I had to cancel. How sad. He would have loved it. He would have laughed, and the intention was to cheer him up. How so completely sad.

It's amazing how one simple action can have such an enormous impact. He jumped off a bridge and all of his anguish ended in a matter of seconds. And then everyone else's increased one million fold. It's like all the love, care, fun, friendship was just...I don't know what it was, but it wasn't enough for him. I thought we were so close. He made such an impact on my life. And yet, I couldn't even get through to him. I'm told not to take it personally, after all, his girlfriend, his children, those people should have been able to help him, and if they couldn't, then who am I to feel guilty. This is true, but it was me that he came to when he wanted to talk about all the issues he had with his upcoming divorce, and with the move to his girlfriend's place, and with his children's reaction, and so on. I was the objective party. I should have been able to give him the objective view. I thought I was doing that. I know that his death is not my fault, but I just wish I could have helped more. When I was at my craziest moments, he helped me. When he was at his craziest, I couldn't return the favour.

But then again, you can only help the people who are willing to accept your help, right?

My Friend the Artist

I woke up this morning to a combination that I haven't heard very often. The sound of rain against my window, combined with the sound of lots of birds chirping outside. I'm not sure if I've ever heard the two together. I know I've woken up to one or the other, but this was odd, especially for my neighbourhood. Few trees usually means few birds. Birds and rain together is new here, unless I've just never noticed it before. Waking up to an enormous headache didn't help.

I spent last night going through old email correspondences with my friend. I remember the time he looked up the Indian word for "princess" to make me laugh on one particular occasion shortly after my separation. He was trying to say that the next guy would treat me like a princess. The word he came up with was "Rani" which is the word for "Queen". I remember how proud he was that he had found the word. I then replied teasingly and told him he was horrible, cuz he had made me older by making me a queen instead of a princess. He replied and laughed and said a queen was more fitting because my standards were too snobby to be those of a princess. I had refined to queen standards, complete with mood swings. We had a laugh, and from that day on, he stuck with the English word princess, and the Indian word Rani, interchanging them whenever he wanted to bug me.

My friend painted in his spare time. He said it calmed him, and gave him a retreat from the world around him. I found some of his paintings in my emails last night. Whenever he painted a new pic, he would email it to me to see if I liked it or not. I'm attaching two of the pics here. I figure if nothing else, they are worthy of being shared. I was always amazed at how a techie could develop such talent. He even tried to further his skills by taking art classes. I was totally impressed. He took them with his girlfriend, and the both of them would compete to see whose artwork was better. He swears hers were better. I can't comment, as I only ever got to see his work. I was just glad to see that they were both out there, having fun, and taking up a relaxing hobby together. It was good for him to get a break from life's hectic schedule. Over time, he taught me to turn off my blackberry, to take my children for a walk in the park, and to learn to slow down. Life is too short, he would tell me. Indeed it is. Now I feel like it was all a line. How could someone with such a positive outlook do such a horrible thing?

I'm finding that as time goes on, I'm feeling angrier, and guiltier. Angry that he could be so stupid, guilty that I didn't see this coming. In hindsight, he was becoming much more quiet, and talked much less. I knew he was under pressure, but I was trying to give him a little bit of space. I was still emailing and calling, but I thought I would wait and see. I wish I didn't wait.

I'm hearing that the funeral will be mid next week. That is a while away. I am at home, supposed to be working, but I can't focus on the documents in front of me. If I don't get any further by 1pm, I'm calling it a day. I've already had several phone calls this morning from other colleagues in his area. Two of them asked me if I think it was possible he could have committed suicide. I of course tried to keep things covered and said 'wow, I really hope you're wrong. Let's wait and see what the family tells us'. Even when I'm not in the office, I can't hide from it. I could try not picking up the phone, but when I see the number, I have to pick up the phone, hoping that it's someone who can give me more information. It's like the rocks in the Zen Garden all over again. You would rather not do it, but you just can't help yourself.

I just spoke to a few more people who are hearing the same suicide rumor. News travels fast. I'm glad I'm not in the office. I spoke to a family friend and she said he jumped off a bridge. I've been going crazy trying to find it in the news, but I can't find a thing. Why would anyone jump? It makes no sense at all. Which bridge? What time of day? I know it shouldn't matter, but for some reason, it does. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, there is no amount of information that is going to make this go by any easier. Nothing is going to change the tragedy of his death.

Why?

I cannot understand why he would do this. I've known since yesterday morning, and it's been killing me inside. I think I would have just preferred if he had a heart attack or something. That I could have lived with. Suicide just leaves everyone numb. How could he do this? Why didn't he listen to my advice and go to the Employee Assistance Programs and the therapist that I recommended? On 6 occasions, I wrote down the telephone number and gave it to him. On 6 occasions I begged him to get help. When we met last Thursday, just a week ago, I knew something was very wrong. I remember how distracted he was. I remember asking him if he was OK. He said he was fine. I called him a liar. He said he promised he would talk to me in a couple of days. That never happened.

Instead, he avoided all my emails and phone calls all week. He had totally shut me out. He replied to my team members, but didn't reply to me. He knew that I was going to push him to get help again. He knew that I saw through his smile. We were supposed to meet yesterday. By that time, he was already gone. He has never let my phone calls or emails go more than an hour without a reply. Not even when I send them after hours. I even get replies to the ones I send him at 11pm, or early on a Saturday morning. This week, my emails were more persistent, but this week, he refused to reply to any of them. He put me off till Thursday morning. He killed himself Wednesday night. He did not want to speak to me. He knew that I knew he wasn't doing well.

I feel like a bad friend for not doing more. I feel like he was a bad friend for not listening to me. I feel angry. I feel helpless. I feel hurt. I cannot make sense of anything anymore.

This was a man who was always trying to smile, no matter how hard life was. Over time, I learned to see through the smile and to know when he was faking, but he still tried his best not to show when he was upset. Whenever I would ask him too many questions about his emotional state, he would smile and say "you talk too much". I would always smile and respond by saying "and that's what you love about me". He would agree, and we would laugh.

I knew that he had a lot on his plate personally and professionally. We had many chats for many hours that I thought were helping him, just as he has helped me on many similar occasions in my life. I clearly thought wrong.

When I found out yesterday that he had "died", it wasn't sufficient for me. People don't just die, and when someone tells of someone else's death, it's either a heart attack, an accident, or something. They just don't leave the cause of death out like that. I knew it didn't make sense, and I was going to call his girlfriend for an explanation. I asked his manager what specifically happened to him and she said she didn't know. I told her that I would call around and find out on my own. Then a few minutes later, his other manager called me. She told me not to call the family because they wanted to be alone. I asked if she spoke to the family and she said yes. I asked how he died. She said that he had committed suicide, but that the family didn't want anyone at the office to know, and that I was to keep the information strictly confidential. I agreed to do it. (Yet here I am blogging. I'm sorry. But the paper diary doesn't cut it anymore. I know that only about 15-20 friends read this journal, and 3 of them work with me. I'm trusting those 3 to keep my confidence, and not share his cause of death).

By this time, I was totally a mess. I couldn't understand why he would do this. What would make him take his own life? I knew he had many things on his plate, and I was trying to help him through it. I just didn't think he would be the type to commit suicide. I keep thinking back to all our conversations, and it makes me feel worse. If only I had forced him to go to the EAP, if only I had called him every night to check on his state of mind. If only he hadn't been such a selfish ass.

I asked his manager how he did it. She refused to tell me. She felt that I wasn't ready to hear it, and that in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't even important. That can only make me think that it was horrible. It couldn't have been an overdose or something, as I'm sure she would have told me about that. It had to have been something very very bad. He must have done something really horrible to himself. This is all too tragic for me to bear. She said that she would consider telling me in a few days. I'm going to hold her to it.

After a few hours, she called me and said that she had an EAP trauma counsellor on site and wanted me to speak to him. She felt that it would help me to speak to someone, since I was so badly affected by his death. I said no, I didn't want to speak to anyone, and she kept pressuring me. I finally asked for his name and number and said I would call him back. Then I found out the counsellor was one of my friends. Saved. I went and spoke to him for over an hour. He helped me alot, but as the hours go by, I'm finding that I'm feeling worse and worse. I think he knew that would happen, as he scheduled a follow up session for Tuesday. Great. All I have to do is hang in there until Tuesday. Five days, and possibly one funeral to go. Yeah, this will be a piece of cake.

I think the worst part is walking around the office and pretending like I don't know how he died. I have to act like it was some innocent death, when really, I know it was really really tragic, and I know so much of the background. I also feel so much like I may have been able to stop him if I had only known where his mind was at. I knew he was upset. I just didn't realize he was this upset. Everyone at the office probably thinks I'm a freak for being so upset. They have no idea. Like I said, a heart attack would have been easier to handle. This is just killing me.

I'm waiting for the funeral plans to be final. I'm guessing that people may figure out the truth at that time. I'm hoping they will, because I am a horrible liar, and I am not able to pretend like he died peacefully for much longer. As it is, I've had a few direct questions from his team members. Two of them point blank asked me if he committed suicide. I lied and said I didn't know his cause of death. This is the thing- when they don't tell anyone the cause of death, people draw their own conclusions. They will figure it out eventually. My goal is to avoid the office until then, so that I'm not the one to expose this. I am a horrible liar, so like I said, if I go into the office, everyone will figure out what happened. When a person dies of natural causes, you deal with it an move on. When they commit suicide, you get worse as time goes on. I already had one person say 'I know you knew him well, but death is part of life. You should be able to find some comfort in the fact that this was his time'. What will this person say when I'm still a mess on say, Monday?

But see, that's the problem. This wasn't his time. He did this. That's what makes this so difficult. He had a choice. He didn't have to die. He made his own time. I am so angry at him for being so stupid. And selfish. And stupid. And, yeah. Stupid.