My friend Graham says that suicide is a completely selfish act. I've always seen it as a more desperate act than anything else. But there is truth to the selfishness thing. I know my friend was desperate. I know things were rough for him, but they were also looking up. For him to have put his family through everything that he did, and then after all that was over, to then turn and commit suicide, well, that was just selfishness at its peak.
I keep thinking about his children, and the upcoming holiday season. I keep thinking about how much he loved them, and how they were his world. At 19 and 15, those children are going to suffer a massive blow from his decision to end his life. His son was a genius, on a full scholarship for University, and he had just started that part of his life in September of this year. He had high hopes and high dreams for his University years, and now they are going to be impacted by the trauma he will inevitably face as a result of his dear father's tragic suicide.
At this point, I see how many people are impacted by his death- family, friends, colleagues, and I can't help but look at how selfish this was. He took an easy way out, and everyone else is left to suffer and deal with the sadness, the pain, the senselessness of his actions.
On the other hand, I keep telling myself that this was out of character for him. That he wasn't himself, he was in a totally different frame of mind. The person that I know would never give up, and jumping off a bridge when life was just getting better, well, that doesn't make any sense at all. He must have been going through so much torment. If only he had tried to deal with it and get some help.
Anger, sadness, sorrow, and guilt- those are the emotions that I'm left with today.
I'm trying to get back on my feet, but I'm finding it really really hard. To top it off, I have the children with me this weekend, and it's adding to all the chaos. I am in no frame of mind to entertain the children. Thank God for television and toys.
Tomorrow, I have tickets to the company's children's Christmas party. The children are really looking forward to it. I am not. I really don't want to go to a Christmas party and run into all my collegues. I want to be alone. But I can't let the children down, so I will put on the fake smile and try to attend. But I really would rather not go at all. I mean, what's the point of avoiding the office if I just have to see everyone on Saturday anyways? I want to be left alone right now.
They have a journal that they have created at the office for my friend, so that everyone can write about their experiences with him. The journal will then be given to his family. Part of me wants to write in it and the other part is too bitter and hurt to write. I mean what do you say? I'm thinking that I'd rather just not write at all. I'm getting my feelings out here. And the rest, well that's for him, and I'll share those when I go to visit him at his gravesite in a few weeks, on my own. That will be total complete closure. I will after all, finally have the opportunity to have that chat that we were supposed to have on Thursday. It will, of course, be a different encounter altogether, but I will be going, and I will have my opportunity to be alone and make peace with all of this. The funeral however, will be a good start. They say it's scheduled for mid next week. I'm guessing Wednesday or Thursday. I can't wait for it to be over.
I sent out emails to project teams telling them to take him off their distribution lists. I can't bear to see his name on them. I get emails addressed to me and to him and it's killing me to see them. My calendar has all our re-occuring appointments and I went in and deleted them. I know you can't delete a person, nor do I ever want to do that. But I do want to eliminate all the reminders from visual range. Just for now.
Here's another funny thing. I had ordered him a gag gift. I had to cancel the order. I often joked with him that he was the nice quiet one, but really, he was the master of everything. Seriously, everything always went according to his plan. He was very diplomatic and had this knack for getting everyone to do what he wanted, but he somehow made them think it was their idea. I told him he was a voodoo master. He didn't say anything, but he secretly knew and controlled everything. So, I had purchased an office Voodoo kit that was supposed to be delivered to his desk. Given the current situation, that would be most inappropriate, so of course I had to cancel. How sad. He would have loved it. He would have laughed, and the intention was to cheer him up. How so completely sad.
It's amazing how one simple action can have such an enormous impact. He jumped off a bridge and all of his anguish ended in a matter of seconds. And then everyone else's increased one million fold. It's like all the love, care, fun, friendship was just...I don't know what it was, but it wasn't enough for him. I thought we were so close. He made such an impact on my life. And yet, I couldn't even get through to him. I'm told not to take it personally, after all, his girlfriend, his children, those people should have been able to help him, and if they couldn't, then who am I to feel guilty. This is true, but it was me that he came to when he wanted to talk about all the issues he had with his upcoming divorce, and with the move to his girlfriend's place, and with his children's reaction, and so on. I was the objective party. I should have been able to give him the objective view. I thought I was doing that. I know that his death is not my fault, but I just wish I could have helped more. When I was at my craziest moments, he helped me. When he was at his craziest, I couldn't return the favour.
But then again, you can only help the people who are willing to accept your help, right?
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