Why the Long Face?

I went back to work today. The day started off wrong. I went to sleep at about 3:30am. For some reason, nights are the worst. Lying there in bed, my mind starts to drift, and I keep seeing him jump off the bridge, or lying in a coffin, or I keep recounting our last face to face coffee on Thursday, and I have trouble getting to sleep. To top it off, one of the children turned the volume off on my alarm clock. I woke up at 8am. Two minutes later, my Ex called to ask if I needed help with the children, since my weekend sleep was so messed up. I took him up on the offer. I let him come to my home at 8:25 and pick up the kids. That gave me 25 mins to dress them, and feed them and hand them off to my Ex. When they left, I went to get ready myself. I got to the office late, but in my defense, at least I managed to go in, and I did stay there until 7:30 pm...so hey, at least I'm doing my best.

I wasn't overall very impressed with the office. OK, yes, I looked like crap. I still couldn't get the contact lenses in my eyes, and the eye makeup was still burning, so no makeup. My skin is all peeling from wiping the tears, and so I just looked all wrong. But hey, in my defense, I did still manage to go in, right?

Anyhow, I basically got the 'what's wrong?' question, and when I said that I'm alot better, but my friend passed away on Wednesday, I did get a few of the 'you mean LAST WEEK?' type of remarks. People are so mean. Bugger off. I've never dealt with this before. I hate the corporate world sometimes. People are so damned insensitive.

The best had to be my experiences with some of the management, who basically gave me the impression that it's not OK to still be upset, and who basically implied that the office shouldn't be bothered by it. Put it this way- I asked if I could arrange to expense taxi cabs back to the office from the funeral on Thursday, given that it was a colleague who died, and I was told no, because it's not a justifiable business expense. What the hell is up with that? I am so seriously disappointed it isn't even funny. I mean, the person who died worked here for 8 years! Going to his funeral is not a justifiable expense?! Holy CRAP!!! So I guess I can assume that whenI die, they wouldn't give a damn either. Maybe by that time, they will have progressed and even attending the funeral will not be acceptable.

The corporate world is an insensitive shark pit. Now I need to decide if I still want to swim here with the sharks. Sorry ladies and gentlemen. Yes I have been here for 15 years, but these days, it is REALLY starting to disgust me. Big time. I'll write more about that another day.

Anyhow, the visitation is scheduled for Wednesday afternoon, and the funeral will be Thursday afternoon. I'm really hoping for the closure that I need. I felt so crappy but I had to spend part of my day making arrangements for projects and work to continue. I felt bad doing it, but if I don't, I'll really start to look incompetent. I made arrangements to take on some of my friend's responsibilities until they find a replacement. I'm NOT doing this for the company, but just doing it for him. Consider it my last favour to him. We spent a good chunk of our time together protecting each other and ensuring neither of us drops the ball or looks bad. I'll just keep it up for him. Why let all his work drown? He worked hard, took pride in what he did. Never mind the fact that he selfishly went and jumped a bridge and left us all in pieces. Hopefully, one day, he will explain his actions in a way that I can understand them. I do, after all, firmly believe that we will all meet again in heaven. When we do, I'm going to slap him for his stupidity, then ask him for an explanation, and then cry because he didn't care enough to trust me or take my advice and seek help from a professional therapist. Until then, I wait, but the questions are piling up. I know that I sound like a freak, but now I know that it is totally possible to be fully angry at someone, and at the same time be hurt and feel friendship too. Very screwed up, but totally possible.

Anyhow, yes there were still tears today, but less than yesterday, less than the day before, and hopefully , there will be even less tomorrow. I'm trying to get back into work, but I'm finding it hard. I think in the whole day I had maybe 4 productive hours, even though I was there till 7:30 and was genuinely trying to get stuff done the whole time. Total elapsed work time, 9 hrs, total productivity, 4 hrs. Hey, I got nothing done on Friday, so this was still better in comparison.

And like I always tell my children, tomorrow is a new day.