Why?

I cannot understand why he would do this. I've known since yesterday morning, and it's been killing me inside. I think I would have just preferred if he had a heart attack or something. That I could have lived with. Suicide just leaves everyone numb. How could he do this? Why didn't he listen to my advice and go to the Employee Assistance Programs and the therapist that I recommended? On 6 occasions, I wrote down the telephone number and gave it to him. On 6 occasions I begged him to get help. When we met last Thursday, just a week ago, I knew something was very wrong. I remember how distracted he was. I remember asking him if he was OK. He said he was fine. I called him a liar. He said he promised he would talk to me in a couple of days. That never happened.

Instead, he avoided all my emails and phone calls all week. He had totally shut me out. He replied to my team members, but didn't reply to me. He knew that I was going to push him to get help again. He knew that I saw through his smile. We were supposed to meet yesterday. By that time, he was already gone. He has never let my phone calls or emails go more than an hour without a reply. Not even when I send them after hours. I even get replies to the ones I send him at 11pm, or early on a Saturday morning. This week, my emails were more persistent, but this week, he refused to reply to any of them. He put me off till Thursday morning. He killed himself Wednesday night. He did not want to speak to me. He knew that I knew he wasn't doing well.

I feel like a bad friend for not doing more. I feel like he was a bad friend for not listening to me. I feel angry. I feel helpless. I feel hurt. I cannot make sense of anything anymore.

This was a man who was always trying to smile, no matter how hard life was. Over time, I learned to see through the smile and to know when he was faking, but he still tried his best not to show when he was upset. Whenever I would ask him too many questions about his emotional state, he would smile and say "you talk too much". I would always smile and respond by saying "and that's what you love about me". He would agree, and we would laugh.

I knew that he had a lot on his plate personally and professionally. We had many chats for many hours that I thought were helping him, just as he has helped me on many similar occasions in my life. I clearly thought wrong.

When I found out yesterday that he had "died", it wasn't sufficient for me. People don't just die, and when someone tells of someone else's death, it's either a heart attack, an accident, or something. They just don't leave the cause of death out like that. I knew it didn't make sense, and I was going to call his girlfriend for an explanation. I asked his manager what specifically happened to him and she said she didn't know. I told her that I would call around and find out on my own. Then a few minutes later, his other manager called me. She told me not to call the family because they wanted to be alone. I asked if she spoke to the family and she said yes. I asked how he died. She said that he had committed suicide, but that the family didn't want anyone at the office to know, and that I was to keep the information strictly confidential. I agreed to do it. (Yet here I am blogging. I'm sorry. But the paper diary doesn't cut it anymore. I know that only about 15-20 friends read this journal, and 3 of them work with me. I'm trusting those 3 to keep my confidence, and not share his cause of death).

By this time, I was totally a mess. I couldn't understand why he would do this. What would make him take his own life? I knew he had many things on his plate, and I was trying to help him through it. I just didn't think he would be the type to commit suicide. I keep thinking back to all our conversations, and it makes me feel worse. If only I had forced him to go to the EAP, if only I had called him every night to check on his state of mind. If only he hadn't been such a selfish ass.

I asked his manager how he did it. She refused to tell me. She felt that I wasn't ready to hear it, and that in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't even important. That can only make me think that it was horrible. It couldn't have been an overdose or something, as I'm sure she would have told me about that. It had to have been something very very bad. He must have done something really horrible to himself. This is all too tragic for me to bear. She said that she would consider telling me in a few days. I'm going to hold her to it.

After a few hours, she called me and said that she had an EAP trauma counsellor on site and wanted me to speak to him. She felt that it would help me to speak to someone, since I was so badly affected by his death. I said no, I didn't want to speak to anyone, and she kept pressuring me. I finally asked for his name and number and said I would call him back. Then I found out the counsellor was one of my friends. Saved. I went and spoke to him for over an hour. He helped me alot, but as the hours go by, I'm finding that I'm feeling worse and worse. I think he knew that would happen, as he scheduled a follow up session for Tuesday. Great. All I have to do is hang in there until Tuesday. Five days, and possibly one funeral to go. Yeah, this will be a piece of cake.

I think the worst part is walking around the office and pretending like I don't know how he died. I have to act like it was some innocent death, when really, I know it was really really tragic, and I know so much of the background. I also feel so much like I may have been able to stop him if I had only known where his mind was at. I knew he was upset. I just didn't realize he was this upset. Everyone at the office probably thinks I'm a freak for being so upset. They have no idea. Like I said, a heart attack would have been easier to handle. This is just killing me.

I'm waiting for the funeral plans to be final. I'm guessing that people may figure out the truth at that time. I'm hoping they will, because I am a horrible liar, and I am not able to pretend like he died peacefully for much longer. As it is, I've had a few direct questions from his team members. Two of them point blank asked me if he committed suicide. I lied and said I didn't know his cause of death. This is the thing- when they don't tell anyone the cause of death, people draw their own conclusions. They will figure it out eventually. My goal is to avoid the office until then, so that I'm not the one to expose this. I am a horrible liar, so like I said, if I go into the office, everyone will figure out what happened. When a person dies of natural causes, you deal with it an move on. When they commit suicide, you get worse as time goes on. I already had one person say 'I know you knew him well, but death is part of life. You should be able to find some comfort in the fact that this was his time'. What will this person say when I'm still a mess on say, Monday?

But see, that's the problem. This wasn't his time. He did this. That's what makes this so difficult. He had a choice. He didn't have to die. He made his own time. I am so angry at him for being so stupid. And selfish. And stupid. And, yeah. Stupid.