My Suspicions

I've recently noticed my ex acting all weird again. It's really really disturbing and disappointing all at the same time. I had a hard time leaving him because I was afraid he wouldn't stay on the meds unless I was always around to keep an eye on him. When things finally got really bad, I left, as I realized that I couldn't take the responsibility of making him stay on his meds. After all, at the end of the day, I have very little control over whether or not a grown man stays on his meds. All I can control is the safety and well being of myself and my children. I know it sounds shallow, but it took me 11 years to come to this decision, and there is nothing shallow about it. You weren't there they day I left. You have no clue what that was like.

Anyhow, I've lived with him for 11 years. I know the signs of his instability all so well. Over the past 2 weeks, I saw them resurface. That has been incredibly draining, and very scary all at the same time. Imagine what life is like when you are trying to deal with a routine with two very young children, a demanding job, and then to watch all this happen with your ex in the sidelines. An ex, who lives a two minute walk from your house.

So, two weeks ago, my ex had a run in with a couple of teachers at the school. I received a phone call the next day explaining the situation. Honestly, it's like I have 3 children, and he's the delinquent one. Very tiring. Then I had to deal with a series of very weird mood swings, followed by accusations that I was probably messing around with some guy while he has the children on weekends. This of course is completely ridiculous, completely not true, and very draining to drain with. Either way, I know this pattern all too well. I lived with it for 11 years. So, I decided on Monday morning to call the drug company.

On Monday, I called my drug company to get a history on prescriptions filled on my account since April. Yes, he's still covered on my health plan. Don't ask, we are still technically married. Sure enough, the lady confirmed that the last time his meds were filled was in APRIL. It was a 6 month prescription which would mean he ran out of his meds around October. This was really scary. I confronted him, he denied it, and then he admitted it. Said he felt fine, like he didn't need the meds, so he decided not to take them anymore. This is exactly what I was afraid of. This isn't stuff to fool around with. The meds are very specific, you can't just stop taking them. If a person is ever to be taken off, they are dosed off in tiny doses reduced over a period of 2-4 months. Going off them cold turkey like that is, well, lethal. Which would explain the behavior I've been seeing lately. Many conversations and late mornings into the office later, I've convinced him to go back on the meds.

This is exactly what I was afraid of. This is exactly what the doctors warned me about. I don't want to have to be playing the spy role for the rest of my life, and then again, I want him to be healthy and well. He is the father of these children and his mental health is directly proportionate to their mental well being. Which is why I continue to get involved in this mix.

It's been a sad week too. This setback for my ex makes me feel bad. It's such a sad situation. He's all alone and the only person left to care is an ex wife who wants to start her life over. The children love him to death but if he keeps this up, he won't be able to be around them, for their own safety. It's like a vicious cycle that won't end. Dr. Clive says that my decision was the right one. He said that coming home that day June 9, 2004 to find that he had almost choked my son, that was enough to tell me that I did the right thing. I mean, what if he had choked just a like harder or longer? It gives me shivers to think of what that could have meant. Women are funny creatures aren't we? We can tolerate a great deal if we are the victims, but never if it's the children. NEVER. It took me 11 years to leave, and when I finally did, it was because of my children. Life is odd, isn't it?

So anyhow, I sit here, 9pm, very tired from this week's events, and the week has just started. I am amazed that I can hold it together at the office, amazed that nobody knows the crap I deal with when I go home. Amazed that I was only 15 minutes late for my meeting on Monday morning, when it could have easily been later. I saw the looks I got when I walked in...they probably think I'm some lazy butt who was sleeping or incompetent or something. Little do they know...I wonder how long I will hold this balance together before something gives? I wonder how long before someone at work notices that I have alot on my place both at work and at home. I wonder if I'll ever reach a point where I will be able to sleep a full night and actually get rest without a million items in my to do list going through my head and without the need for some sort of sleeping pill or another to help me sleep. I wonder when or if I'll ever be free from this history and this past. Maybe if he re-marries? Maybe then I will have some freedom from this? I wonder when that will be?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be ungrateful. I know I'm blessed. I know very few women get to leave a rough marriage let alone get to have a new home for their children. I know. I know that I have so much to be thankful for. It's just that some days I feel so tired and drained that I just want to know when the real stability will come. When will I be comfortable with this arrangement? When will I feel safe again? When will I be able to trust people again? Or will I? I think I'm going to spend the rest of my life always looking over my shoulder. That's what my experiences have taught me. Trust, but always from a distance...

Either way, I keep reminding myself that overall, I am reaching the end goal. I remember what Dr. Clive told me about the crab. Back and forth, side to side, but eventually, I will reach my destination. I guess this week was the few steps back. Let's just hope he goes back on the meds and stabilizes. In the meantime. I've decided to take some time off over the holidays. Time to rest....to take my mind off of work and to see if I can recharge. Let's just hope I can make it through the rest of the week.