The Truth Will Set You Free

I remember as a child I would often hear people tell me about the benefits of honesty, of being truthful, of how telling the truth will set you free. As a child, I thought this meant that you should be honest if you do something bad, because then you won't get in big trouble (or at least you will get in less trouble) for whatever you did wrong.

In my teenage years, I thought the "truth will set you free" referred to the fact that when you start telling a lie, you have to make up more lies to cover the initial lies and so on and so on, until you reach a point where things have snowballed so badly that you can't remember which story you told to whom. The amount of stress you would go through to cover the lies would become so huge that in the end it was no longer worth it. Often, I couldn't remember why I had started the lie in the first place. Fortunately, the past 10 years of practicing my faith grounded me well, and for the most part, I can honestly say that the lies came to an end. I can't say that I never lie, but I can say that it is so seldomly that I can't honestly think of the last time I told one. That's got to be a good sign...I think.

Anyhow, I recently realized another really cool way that the truth has set me free, but I stumbled across it more by accident than anything else. I lived a lie. My marriage was a lie. I spent more time defending it and standing up for it than it was worth. In many ways, it was more like my high school lies where I would say I was going to the library and then go out with friends, only at a bigger level. I deliberately hid the truth from the world, maybe because I didn't want anyone to have the satisfaction of knowing I had made a mistake, maybe because I didn't want anyone to pity me, or to lose respect for me, or perhaps I just thought that if I made it look really good, one day I might even end up believing that it was.

Either way, I had spent an incredible effort over the eleven years of my marriage trying to show it up to be this perfect relationship (I know, and I just said I seldomly lie). This was more like telling parts of the truth, and omitting the other parts. To tell you the truth, the story 'told' really well. High school sweethearts, married despite cultural issues, both did their MBAs together, suffered through financial hardships to put themselves through school (how honorable), active in their community (relatively speaking), and had these 2 beautiful children, this nice home in Markham, and these great careers. It all sounded well and good on the outside, the issue is that the story was different on the inside.

The truth of what my marriage really was never came out, as I never shared it with anyone, and of course, neither did he. The bad thing was, the more I played up the good parts, the more difficult it became to admit to the bad ones. Eleven years later, it was almost impossible. I mean, even after I did leave, I had these shocked comments like "You guys are splitting up? But you're the perfect couple". Another person from our community said "Come on- you're this community's Hollywood couple, you can't split up". I couldn't resist but retort that if we really were a 'Hollywood Couple', it was rather fitting that we split up. Salty, I know, but hey- we all have our breaking points.

Anyhow, the funny thing is, on June 9th, 2004, when I left, I left because things had gotten so bad that I couldn't take it anymore. They were so bad that I couldn't handle it anymore. Everything had affected my health, my mental stability (stress attacks), and the physical well being of my children. I had to leave. But even as I left that night, even as I drove to my parents home, I kept asking myself if I would go back. It was, after all, just 3 weeks before my sister's wedding. I certainly couldn't ruin the wedding by letting everyone know that I was in the middle of marital issues. I would have the social pressure from the community that would force me to go back home, to save face, especially with the upcoming wedding. Those of you from the Indian community know what I'm talking about, and understand it all too well.

I did tell three of my girlfriends the truth immediately after I left. Those three have supported me to this very day. Those three insisted that I don't even contemplate going back; that I move on and face things, no matter what that would mean. But even as I promised them that I wouldn't go back, in my heart, I knew I would probably have to, for the sake of my family's reputation, and for the sake of my sister's wedding.

That's when the best thing happened. At the time, I thought it was the worst thing in the world. I thought I was finished, that I would never be able to face the world again, but in the end, it turned out to be the thing that saved me. My ex told everyone in our community that I had left him. He went to people's homes, he phoned people, he dragged my name through every gossip conversation in town. I know what he was trying to do- he was trying to get the community to coerce me into going home. And they tried and tried...But they failed. You see, the truth is what set me free. The more he opened up to people, the more I had to admit to things. He was the one who shattered the shiny glass house that I had built and protected for 11 years. And as all of it came crashing down (during my sister's wedding), I finally had the opportunity to run and take shelter from everything. I no longer had to cover a lie. I no longer had to protect the marriage. I no longer had to be ashamed for failing at marriage. I was free.

It's funny how things turn out. I'm in a space now where I have been more honest and sincere with myself and those around me, and people see the difference. I've never talked about my personal life with friends, with colleagues, with anyone before, and I know it's not always the wisest thing to do, but I feel that I need to. I know myself, and if I ever get back into the space where I am building up illusions, I'm the only one who will get hurt. For my own sake, I need to be happy with what I have and where I am, including its downfalls. And you know what? It's pretty incredible. I don't think I've ever experienced contentment before in my life. It's always either been up or down. The past 6 months have been the first time that I can honestly say that I am content. Not overly happy, but not sad or depressed either. Yes- life has its ups and downs, but I'm enjoying it, and that's a first. Maybe it's because there are very few illusions left in the world I'm living in. There's no shiny glass house, but there's a really solid foundation for a new one, and I'm loving it. Funny- for me, this redefines the meaning of "the truth will set you free". Here's to living life with honesty, integrity, and truthfulness.