Zoo With the Children

I'm taking the children to the zoo today with Mich and Rich. I am so tired from yesterday's events that I actually would love to just crash today. But, I promised the children, and they woke up jumping on my bed saying "Hoooray! Today is the day we go to the zoo!"....It's not like I can say that we're not going anymore because mommy is just too tired...Sigh. I'm sure my energy will pick up again. Well, I'm hoping that it will.

So, yesterday was fun, but busy. I impressed myself with my ability to put together a 4 dish Indian meal in less than an hour, and it actually turned out ok. I had a fantastic time with my friends yesterday, so I'm glad we did it...But like I said, I need to learn not to schedule too much in one day moving forward.

So yesterday morning I was a bit thrown off. I got up and realized that I had a large bruise under my eyebrow. Basically a black eye. It was from the electrolysis on Saturday I think. I think I moved and she must have hit a vein. A common occurrence during electrolysis. The weird thing was, as I stood in front of the mirror and pulled out all my shades of foundation for covering a black eye, I just couldn't compose myself anymore. It was almost 3 years ago that I last had to bust out the makeup to cover a black eye, and while this one was not related to anything like the past ones, it just really messed me up. I remembered all the past mornings, pulling out the makeup, covering the eye, and I looked at myself, crying in the mirror, thinking 'Why am I crying? This is finally over....'

It's odd how something like a little electrolysis accident can trigger so many bad memories. It actually threw my entire day off....I couldn't shake it, because I kept going to the washroom throughout the day to make sure the bruise wasn't showing, just as I've done many times in the past. Strange, but true.

It's almost funny. I'll be at the courthouse tomorrow to get the divorce papers, and the morning of, I will have to wake up and cover a bruise on my eye. This one is innocent, but still, it just feels so...Sick. And in some ways....Almost fitting. Now that was sick of me to say, but, these are the thoughts racing through my head today. The crazy rantings of Shaz I suppose...Sigh. 24 hours to go. Wish me luck guys....

It's Possible to be Too Social...

I think I need to slow down. Introverts have it right. I spend way to much of my time out and about and very little time at home just resting, and as a result, I'm getting burned out.

I came home at 2am yesterday...And then I was running about today- waxing lady, visiting parents, gym, now I'm beat...And I'm ready to just crash. Tomorrow I've got a lunch event, a baby shower, and friends coming for dinner, and I'm doing groceries in the morning. WHO AM I???

UGH- ENOUGH! I am starting to see some merit in what my ex used to say to me (yes, I know, I can't believe I just said that either). But he would often tell me to slow down, not to be such a busy gal. He warned that one day it would all catch up to me and I would just burn out. I often dismissed his comments and just as much assumed he thought that way because he was an introvert, and I'm an extrovert, and we are just different that way. But now I'm thinking, maybe I'm changing, maybe I'm getting old. But nowadays, being out and about recharges me to a limit, but it's also starting to just make me tired. Hmmm- I wonder what those personality test people would say about me now...

Either way, he was right. I think scheduling one main thing each weekend is more than enough. Everything else can be just last minute stuff, or lazy at home stuff. I mean, this weekend alone I have 5 events. That's 4 too many. And that's why I'm here on a Saturday night, wanting nothing more than to go to sleep at 9pm...Sad but true.

Never Plan...

I planned to have so much fun doing various different activities with the children...Today we woke up and their request was to stay home and play with toys. I don't get it...Kids are hilarious. So here we are, at home. I don't mind one bit...I mean, I have been so totally wiped out lately that spending a relaxing day at home is nice, but I would have thought the kids would have preferred to be out. I think they've had a bit too much activity with their dad lately going to parks, soccer etc, and they just want a break...That's understandable, so I'm not going to fuss with it too much.

I'm so lethargic today, I'm welcoming it. I think there has been a bit more on me emotionally lately than I've been willing to accept. The only thing I can focus on is Tuesday...That's the only goal on my horizon...Everything else will fall into place after that...Or so I'm hoping.

The children will be with their dad as of 4pm today, and then back with me on Sunday. My girlfriend who is also going through a divorce sounded a bit down today, so I'm hoping to head out to spend the evening with her. I've been there, done that, so the least I can do is be there for my dear friends when they need me. I just hope I can help her in some way.

Long Long-Weekend

Today is my last day in the office before the long weekend. We already have Monday off for Canada Day, but since the children are with their dad for most of the weekend, I've decided to take tomorrow off to spend with them. And of course, I have Tuesday off to go to the courts and get my divorce certificate.

My plan for Tuesday is to get the certificate, and then go to the various ministries and have my name officially changed. Yes, I'm doing it. Changing my name, becoming me again, and that includes at work. I'm sure that will make for an interesting email to my colleagues, but oh well. C'est la vie.

I'm feeling ok about everything....This of course, can change at any time...But for now, I'm doing well. Looking forward to everything being final. Then I'll call a few of my friends over and enjoy the moment.

Weather permitting, I'm hoping to take the children for an activity tomorrow, either the Zoo, or the Butterfly Museum, or the ROM. We'll see what ends up happening but that's the plan for now.

Now, if I could just stop procrastinating, and start getting some work done. A few more hours to go to the work day, and I have a ton of things to wrap up...

Do Men Cry?

No seriously. I'm dead serious. I was talking to a male friend last night, and I felt like he didn't feel any emotion on a certain topic. That got me thinking...I don't think I've ever met a man who was truly comfortable crying.

In the 13 years (including the 2 year separation) that I was married to my ex, I saw him cry maybe three or four times, and that's a maybe, and one of those times was a month after I left him, the other was when we signed the divorce papers. My brother, although I vaguely remember the occasional cry growing up, the only adult time I ever saw him cry was when our grandmother passed away. My father, good God- never, I've NEVER seen him cry. My male friends, same thing.

I'm wondering what we as a society have done to socialize our men to the point where they are not comfortable crying? What is the deal? Why are they not allowed to cry? This is horribly wrong, and we need to change it.

I want my son to grow up comfortable with his emotions, comfortable that men can cry and still be men. I myself would like to meet a man who is comfortable crying, comfortable with his emotional side. I'm an emotional woman. I would hate to feel like I'm the only one in the relationship who feels anything.

Where have all the sensitive men gone? Are there any left? How did we create such a tough male gender, and why did we do it? What benefits did we expect to achieve?

Funny- people complain that men aren't sensitive enough, caring enough, emotional enough, but somewhere along the way, I think society as a whole created the situation, which means we all contributed in some way or another. Sad but true.

The Wading Pool

This is why I bought a house instead of a condo. This is exactly why, and I'’m loving it. I purchased a small wading pool for the children. I just inflated it, filled it with water, bought them new bathing suits and here we are. As I'’m typing this, I'’m sitting outside at my patio set, sipping Diet Pepsi while the children splash and play in their new pool. In an hour or so, I'’ll bring out dinner, we can eat out here, then I'’ll bathe them and put them to bed.

I haven'’t finished the laundry, or the vacuuming, and I don'’t even care. I love this.

Why am I outside on the computer, instead of reading a magazine? Well, everything can'’t be entirely perfect. I'’m behind on some reports for the office, so I have to catch up. Still, if I have to spend part of my Sunday on the laptop, I wouldn't do it any other way.

I am feeling pretty relaxed today. Went to the gym, chatted with some friends on the phone, and now I'’m just working away, as de-stressed as I can be when working. Despite the lawn maintenance, the weeds, the gardening, the snow shovelling, I am so glad I own a house, and I'’m so glad it'’s this house.

I know when I look back on my early days on my own, this will be one of the days I remember. Thank God for happy days.

Lunch With the Ex

Well, I had lunch with my ex today. For an hour. Let's just say it was not the most enjoyable experience...But that's how it goes. If nothing else, it was yet another reminder that things between us are so unbelievably hopeless, that divorce was the only good option. As if everything else weren't enough on its own.

So I picked him up at noon and we went to a nearby Thai Restaurant. As much as he said he wanted closure, we spent the entire lunch talking about the children. He wanted me to give him more access and I didn't want to give up what I had. As it is, I already give him more than I have to. We talked about the children's academics, their sports, their schooling. Then he dropped the bomb on me.

We had agreed to send the children to a certain school for the summer. We said we would wait and see how it goes and determine if we keep them there in the autumn. He advised me that he sent written notice to my son's public school that he will not be returning in September, since we found a new school for him. Written notice. Without speaking to me. Without even advising me. And I'm the primary residence and keeper for these children. Does that make any sense? Why do I bother?

Let's just say lunch did not end well. It ended in an argument. As usual. Sigh. Some days, I remind myself that marriage and divorce is so damned difficult, why go through it ever again? I said 'sometimes'.

This evening our daughter had her spring concert. My ex and I were both there. After lunch, that was...Well...Awkward to say the least. Sigh. After hardship always comes ease....Where is the ease???

Anyhow, I'm home now with the children and all is calm and good. They are with me this weekend so I'm happy about that. Here's to having fun on the weekend. I have a ton of work to do for the office, so I will spend time on the laptop after they are in bed at night, but other than that, I do intend to have fun.

What's in a Name?

With the final divorce date being just two weeks away, I've had a lot on my mind. One question that comes to mind (and which has generated a great deal of discussion amongst my friends) is the issue of my surname. When I married my ex, I took his name. With the divorce, it only seems right to switch back to my maiden name. That is, after all, my real identity. There are, however a few issues with that.

Firstly, there is some hassle involved in changing a name. That being said, I've been through enough court time that I'm becoming a pro at it now. Documentation and paperwork is not a big deal. The cost of getting new documents, passport, deed to house etc., is a big deal. Right now, it's not the best time to financially drop hundreds of dollars.

Another issue is that I was married for 13 years. This name has been my identity for 13 years, which is most of my adult life. It includes almost my entire professional life. I've been with the same company/same industry for 14 years, and people only know me by my married name. Changing my name would mean all my contacts outside the organization may lose touch with me. I'm not totally comfortable with that.

Next, I'm not particularly bothered by the married name at this time. The divorce does make me feel like I have no attachment to it, but my children bear this name, so keeping it does maintain the feel of a family unit with them. And for whatever reason, it's not bothering me all that much. Perhaps this will change after the divorce is 100% final in two weeks. My girlfriends swear that I need to get rid of it ASAP, and that it's "sick" to keep it. I'm still debating this one. Changing a name is a pain in the butt, so I'm not sure I'm up to it.

Another friend pointed out that if I marry again, I'll have to change it yet again. Well, this is true IF I decide to take another person's name ever again. I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore. I'm not adamant either way, but if I change it now, I doubt I'll ever want to change it again. Either way, this is a small point, after all, it's not like there's anything happening on that front anytime in the near future.

So- my question is- what's in a name? I mean, it is our identity, but it also has the element of recognition to it, like the professional scenario I mentioned. I wonder- what are the implications of changing a name, and what is the best route to take?

The Court Order

Well, it looks like I got what I’ve been waiting for. I checked the mail today and found the papers from the courts. The papers were a bit confusing, but basically the gist of it is that the judge signed the papers on June 2. My divorce is effective 31 days after that date, at which point I am eligible to go to the courts for an official divorce certificate. July 3 will be 31 days, and July 3 is a holiday here (long weekend), so the first day when I can go to the courts is July 4^th. I will be going on July 4^th. I guess in some ways it’s a bit appropriate that there are fireworks on that date…in the US anyways. In other ways, it’s not so appropriate at all.

Receiving the notice from the courts was a bit of a weird feeling. I hate seeing our marriage date next to the words “effective date of divorce”. It just feels so odd, and yes, it did make me a bit teary eyed. May 29, 1993 was our wedding date. June 2 2006 is the date the divorce order was signed, making it effective July 3^rd 2006. To many people, these are just dates. To me, they are a sign of things lost- my youth, the prime years of my life, my innocence. I’m going to have a much harder time trusting again. I’m not saying it won’t happen eventually, but it will be harder. The only good thing that came from this marriage is my children. Thank God for them.

It’s very sad when a marriage comes to an end. I spent today just wondering how any man could hurt a woman this much. Why was he not able to love me? Why did I waste so many years of my life? Why did I care so much about someone who so obviously never really cared back?

I suppose it doesn’t matter anymore. I spoke to a friend today and he said to remember that this is the start of a new time in my life, and that I deserve to be happy, and that I will be happy. Thank God for the reassurance. Let’s just hope it’s all true.

So my friends, less than two weeks and it will all be official. Thanks for helping me to get here, and for supporting me in my tough moments. I hope I’ll never have to repay the favour (I would wish only the best for my friends), but if any of you need my support for something in your lives, you can bet I’ll be there by your side.

Happy Father's Day!

I got the cutest text message from a friend this morning. It wished me a Happy Father's Day, since I often play the mother and father role for the children. That was totally adorable. And it was from a guy, a father at that. He sent me a text message before I got to wish him well for father's day. I love my friends.

So I had my mom and dad over for brunch this morning. We had a really nice time. They came over around 10:30am and stayed till about 2pm. It was nice to spend the time with my parents. I'm glad we did it. And I think breakfast was yummy, if I do say so myself :)

So, my children have a friend over right now, and then they are off to their father's place in an hour. I had a great weekend with them, and I'm glad we got the opportunity to spend some time together. We've switched our schedules to every other weekend, so I actually get more time with the children than I did before. I welcome the change.

The Bedroom Set

Yippee! It's here! My new bedroom set arrived around 4:30 yesterday. I have been so exhausted. Rich and I took apart the old set on Thursday, moved it to the garage, and then painted my bedroom on Thursday night. We finished around 1:30 am. Gosh I'm tired. I hate manual labour. Painting is not my thing. But I must say, the bedroom set is there, and the room looks fantastic. The walls are the colour of peanut butter, the bedroom set is a mahogany brown sleigh bed, and my bedding is like a red wine colour. My drapes are red wine and gold so it all pulls together really nicely. I'm quite pleased with myself. Now this room will truly be my space. I've waited a year to finish it, but all I need now is a few prints for the walls and I'm done. Hooray, and just in time for the divorce papers. I really wanted it done for the divorce papers. Mission accomplished. I'm expecting the papers any day now...Keep your fingers crossed.

So, the children are with me this weekend. I'm hoping to do some housework, and then take them to visit some friends. We're going to my aunts house for dinner tonight, and then the children are with their father tomorrow evening for father's day. I'm also hoping to see the Cars movie with them. They are so looking forward to that movie.

Catching Up

I feel like things are going well. My two year separation anniversary on June 9th came and went without any drama. Thank God for that. I managed it just fine. I spent some time with an out of town friend this weekend as well. That was nice, and pretty relaxing.

Right now, it's late, and I am still at the office catching up. I guess things just kind of piled up lately, but I'm plowing through it, so that's a good sign.

Every day that I go home, I check the mailbox to see if I received anything from the courts. So far, I haven't received a thing, so I guess that means I'm still officially married. I am really looking forward to the final closure. The opportunity to put it all to bed once and for all.

I've been doing a lot of things around the house lately. OK That's a lie...I got a friend to come and help. We assembled the patio set, hung up a mirror, I'm going to paint my room this week, my new bedroom set arrives Friday (I am so excited), and I want to do some work on the garage/porch. It's nice. It feels like everything is settling quite well.

I got an email from my ex last week. He said that he's ready for closure. He wants me to pick up the last of my stuff (we never divided our book collection, and family photos), and then he wants to move out of my area. He wanted to know if I would have lunch with him one last time as closure for him. I agreed. I am all for closure. I feel like I got mine when we signed the papers. His will come from moving out of my neighborhood. Either way, its looking good. Keep your fingers crossed.

June 9th Marks Two Years

Today is June 9th. It was exactly two years ago that I left my ex. It was so long ago that it all seems a bit hazy now. It all seems so long ago, so unreal, like it was a horrible dream. But, the date is embedded in my mind, and I refuse to forget the events. It is, after all, a reminder to myself that I do have a backbone, that in the end, when the chips fell, I did do the right thing, and that everyone is capable of taking care of themselves...If they truly want to.

So, here it is- the story about June 9th. At this point, my ex had been diagnosed bi-polar, and he was refusing to go on his meds, despite my pleas. I had waited for him to come around, to change his mind, but that never happened. I stayed in the house, and in the marriage, hoping that he would eventually come to his senses and take his meds. I was delusional enough to allow myself to believe that if he went on the meds, everything would miraculously change...The temper, the abuse, the attitude, the employment problems, the spending. I thought wrong. Nothing changed. At the end of the day, it is just as hard to keep a bipolar man on his meds as it is to get him to start in the first place. They basically don't believe they need them, and you as their spouse will be confined to a lifetime of ups and downs as they go on and off their meds.

So, I got home that night around 6pm from the office. I came home and saw my son sitting in the kitchen reading a book. It was soccer night. I knew he shouldn't have been home at this time. My son was only 4 at the time.
"Honey- what are you doing at home? Don't you have soccer tonight?"
"Yes, but we're not going"
"Why not"
"Because I was bad and now my dad's mad"
"What? What did you do that was so bad?"
"I didn't eat dinner"
"Ok- so what did you do that was so bad?"
"I didn't eat dinner"
"That's it?
"Yes"
"OK- So what happened?"
"My dad got mad and tried to choke me"
"WHAT? Oh MY GOD!"

At that moment, I felt all the blood drain from my face. I could feel my heart beating so hard I thought I was going to pass out. I felt dizzy and nauseated. I was frozen and couldn't move. I looked up and saw my ex coming down the stairs....

"Shaz, baby I'm sorry..."
"Sorry? Sorry for what?"
"I didn't mean to...."
"To what? To what? To hurt my baby?!"
"Look, I stopped..."
"Stopped? Stopped before what? Almost killing him?"
"OK- I know you're mad...Look I'll go on the meds"
"It's too late..."
"No really, I'll go right now...And buy them..."
"It's really too late. I had ONE RULE. Just one. NEVER the children. You crossed the line with me too many times....But I told you- NEVER my babies. Today you hurt the babies. Today I leave..."

Everything else is really hazy. I remember running up the stairs, grabbing suitcases, and filling them with clothes from the closet. I remember grabbing handfuls of toiletries and throwing them in the suitcase. Toys, diapers, baby bottles, money, makeup, everything went in the suitcases. The whole while, my ex was in the background begging me not to go. I felt sorry for him, and at the same time, I felt intense responsibility to protect my babies. The sense of responsibility ruled over everything else.

An hour later, I had packed all my luggage into the SUV, had the kids strapped in the car, and I drove out of the driveway. I knew at that moment, that this was final. I was not coming back. I would go to my parents' house and tell them everything. I would tell them the truth. I would set myself, and the children free. Free from the abuse, free from the dysfunctional life, free from it all.

During the drive, my phone rang. It was my mother in law. Apparently my ex had called her and told her that I had left. She called me to 'talk some sense into me'. She told me that I was being too dramatic, that my ex said he would go on the meds, so what else did I want, that in her day, they beat their kids black and blue, and they turned out ok. That's when I stopped her. That's when I had my say. For the first time in 11 years, I had my say.

"How can you possibly say that they turned out OK? You raised an abusive man. That is not ok. And don't call me a drama queen. Don't call me anything at all. If you and everyone else could get rid of your paki mentality, maybe you would see what I'm going through. I am NOT coming back. This is OVER. And how dare you suggest that it's ok for me to subject myself and my children to further harm? Your whole family is in desperate need of therapy"

I have never been so rude to anyone in all my life. And a mother in law at that. But really- I was very emotional, and really furious at what I was hearing. In hindsight, I guess telling her that she had "paki" mentality was one way of burning a bridge. I had been respectful to her for 11 years. And I let it all out, all at once. How disrespectful. How stupid. How liberating.

I drove on to my parents home. Got to the front, pulled in the driveway, unloaded the luggage and rang the doorbell. My dad answered the door, looked at me, looked at the luggage, and asked where the kids were.

"They are in the car"
"I see..."

He called my brother, asked him to take my luggage to the guest room, and advised me to take the children and put them to bed.

"Then you come down and we will drink tea. You will get some sleep, and we will talk in the morning".

I did as he said. I spent that evening sitting with my dad, his arm around my shoulders, sipping tea, and not once being forced to talk about it. I love my family. Thank GOD for them.

The next morning, I called my boss. I told him what had happened, well at a high level, and told him I couldn't come into the office. He told me to take a few days and sort it out. That was blessing number two. Thank GOD for my boss. He is so understanding and awesome. I truly believe he is a large reason why I am doing so well today.

Then, I called a lawyer. I went to see the lawyer. I started legal proceedings for separation, custody, and division of assets. The next few weeks were comprised of legal meetings, court dates, and me running like chicken with its head cut off.

But I did it. I'm here. It's two years later. I have a home, a new and independent life. I have my health, I have my children, and most of all, I have my family and friends and those who love me close by.

Thank you all for your help and support. Thank you all for getting me here. Thank you all for saving me. God Bless.

NEVER mess with a mother

Today after I picked up the children we were spending some time outside in the front of our house. My son was riding his bike and my daughter was watering the flowers. There were some kids playing street hockey around the corner from us. My son would ride on the sidewalk to the end of the street, turn around and ride back to our house (all in visual range of course). Then, all of a sudden, he dropped his bike at the end of the street and came running back to me, visibly scared to death.

"Mommy, Mommy- the boy playing hockey just said that he was going to kidnap me, take me to his house and KILL me!!"

"WHAT?!"
"Mommy- I'm scared"
"WHICH BOY?!"

Let me clarify this for everyone. I am a MOTHER. When something happens to my babies, when someone threatens my babies, it brings out the toughest in me. I'm usually a calm person. I'm usually very composed. This however, was completely uncalled for.

So, I walked to the end of the street and went up to the group of boys. I approached the one that my son pointed out and asked him:

"Hey- did you say anything to my son?"
"Yes- I said hey - you"
"Are you gonna tell me the truth or are you gonna expect me to believe the lie?"
"Well I said I was gonna take him to my house..."
"I think your exact words were I'm gonna kidnap you, take you to my house, and kill you..."

Silence. Then, I guess he realized that his friends were watching and decided to show off major attitude. He gave me some eye rolling face. That REALLY ticked me off.

"Listen kid. Don't be rolling those eyes at me. Listen to me and listen really well. You are not to approach my son again. If you so much as go near 10 feet of him, or breathe a word to him, I'm going to haul your pathetic butt off to jail. What you did is threaten my son. That's also bullying. There are laws in this country against that, and those laws don't give a damn that you're under 16. So trust me, don't you DARE mess with me or my son again. You got that? And don't you roll those eyes at me."

"Yes ma'am".

"That's better. And another thing. If I so much as hear that you bullied another kid, I'm gonna come back to have another chit chat with you. You got that? Don't be threatening little kids or pushing them around. This doesn't apply just to my son. If I see you doing or saying anything like this to anyone again, I won't let it go this easily. Kapeesh?"

"Yes ma'am".

And then I walked away. I must admit. I did feel a bit guilty. But what the heck? Threatening to KILL my son for no reason at all? Come on! I know it might have been a slight over-reaction. I would have gone easier on him if he didn't do the eye rolling thing. But really, he would have just done this to other children. When I got back in front of our house, my kids came running up to me hugging and saying "you're the best mommy in the world. We can tell you anything and you always make it better". I guess that will last a couple more years :)

I just hope my children never grow up to be the ones picking on little kids. I hope I'm as tough with them as I am with the ones picking on them.

I did leave today's conversation sure of two things:

1) That kid will think twice before picking on someone else
2) If my kids encounter another bully, they will be telling me about it

Well, not bad for accomplishments. I know I could have been softer, but still, I think it turned out ok, for now at least...

Terrorism in Toronto?

Well this is just great. I think we knew it was coming. I've met enough freaks in my day with weird enough views that I'm not totally surprised. That being said, I am really not looking forward to the backlash that the Torontonian Muslim Community is going to get as a result. In many ways, I'm glad I don't wear the hijab anymore. I know- sounds harsh. My hijabi friends are reading this and cringing, probably thinking I'm a traitor (sorry guys)- not a traitor, just stating my opinion. Sigh. Truth be told, the hijab was never for me. I feel like myself again, and I have no intentions of ever going back.

Anyhow, I got the email today from someone respected in our community, reminding us to talk to our children because of the questions and potential crap they will face when they go to school. Double sigh. In many ways, I wonder if I should bother, or if I should wait and see if they come home with anything. Why put them on the defensive from the get-go? I mean, for sure, there are people out there who will read up on the attempted terrorist thing and talk about those "damned Muslims" at home, and when those kids go to school, they may pick on some Muslim children, but....Is it wise to prepare children for that up front, or wait and see if it becomes an issue? I think I'm going to disagree with this...I'm going to wait and see what happens. If my son comes home with a complaint, I'll have the chat, AND go to the principal with the name of the kids who tease. If nothing happens, I get to avoid making my son super hyper sensitive and defensive. Sounds like a plan. God I hate being on the defensive. I'll avoid it at all costs if I can.

What a Week

It was a busy week. I got caught up on a lot of stuff at work. I'm still not caught up- funny how we can have a tendency to fall behind. But I'm getting there.

I have the children with me this weekend. Mich's son is sleeping over tonight, I've got a birthday party to take my children to tomorrow, and some friends are coming over on Sunday to take the children to Chuck E Cheeses. It should be an interesting and busy weekend. If I get a chance, I'd like to go and visit the friends who just had babies, since I didn't get a chance to do that yet either.

I'm getting tired again....Funny how aware I've become of what that means and the patterns my body presents to me. When I start to feel this way, it means I'm close to burning out...Again....So I'm thinking of planning some vacation time in the next few weeks....Maybe I'll go away with the children for a few days.

I came to a realization over the past few weeks. This one is a tough one to write, because it means being really candid...But here goes. I just realized...I've been in one relationship in my whole life. I met my ex when I was 14, and married him at 21. That's all I've ever known. He was abusive and controlling, which is not real love. That means I'm 34 and I've NEVER been loved by anyone, except family and friends, but that is different. It's a weird feeling. When I thought about this, it all of a sudden made me feel very sad, and lonely, and somewhat pathetic too.

I think I'm ready to move on and meet new people. Cautiously, but ready. It's been 2 years of crap, and I think it's time. Monday May 29 would have been my 13th anniversary. Since I'm still technically legally married, it's all weird. You know what they say about lucky number 13...

On a good note, I just got fantastic news from my ex today. He's decided to move out of my neighbourhood. He's going to move about a 15 minute car drive away, if all goes well. I've got my fingers crossed. Yippeeeeee....Thank you GOD! No more stalking...maybe this means he will leave me alone... New Beginnings indeed!

TTC Strike

You would think the TTC strike would not affect someone who has the option of driving into the office. Wrong. Try driving in when there is 3x the traffic. Bad times. I tried today, and was stuck for 2 hours, and then I decided to turn around and come back home. Forget it. Not worth it at all. No big deal. I got a chance to work from home and that was worth it. Better than attempting the insane commute home after work.

As for my weekend, I had a fantastic weekend. Really wonderful time. I had some friends over from NY and we had a nice time together. It was nice spending time with them, and we had a fun evening at Sassafraz on Saturday night as well. They're gone now, but I do hope to see them again soon. Maybe I'll manage a trip out to NY sometime in the future. Yaay shopping. :-)

Well back to reality...The commute to work tomorrow, and the usual drill of picking up the kids etc....it was nice to have a change for the past couple of days. I think I'm going to take some time off to go away with the children this summer. It's been a long time since I went away on a vacation. It's long overdue for us.

Pajama Day

I feel like such a bad, bad, mother. I just found out that today was pajama day at my son's school. I usually write every single event in my calendar, and somehow I forgot this one. I feel so horribly. I don't know how it slipped my mind. The weird thing is, last week, my son reminded me that it would be this Friday. I told him that I wouldn't forget. I forgot. I can't believe I forgot. It's not like me to be disorganized or to forget stuff. I feel really really bad.

I know in the grand scheme of things, this is no big deal. I mean, it's not like he will go through life scarred because mommy forgot to put pajamas on him on pajama day or something, but the point is, I wonder if I forgot because I'm a single mom trying to do this on my own. I mean, if I was still with my ex, would I have forgotten? Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that I was better off with my ex, I certainly wasn't. I'm just wondering if I'm dropping the ball on things as a result of being on my own?

Last week, my son had a Jump Rope for Heart at school. A month before, he had another fundraising event. I don't like sponsoring all these events, nor do I like asking friends to sponsor. I sponsored him last month. For last week's jump rope, I chose not to sponsor or send a form. I hate asking people for money. My son said he was the only one who didn't do it. I didn't care at the time because, well- two or three fundraising events in a month is just too much. Too bad is what I think....But now I'm wondering if I'm being a bad mother. I don't want my son to look like the bad kid at school, but really, I don't want to do all these fundraising things, and the pajama thing was an oversight.

To top it off, I got a flaming email today from my ex about how upset our son is that he was the only one not wearing pajamas, and about how irresponsible a mother I am. I mean, I feed them, bathe them, dress them, listen to them, support them emotionally. I didn't mean to upset my son....And I would like to think that I'm far from irresponsible. I know today's oversight was a bit irresponsible of me, and I feel horribly, but it was an oversight.

Sigh. OK...Rant over. I'm going to go and calm my guilty conscience. Ice cream anyone?

Wait 4 to 6 Weeks...

This is the response from the lawyer's office. Sheesh. You'd think I mail ordered something off the internet. What the heck is this? Internet divorce application- your package will come in the mail? (Actually, now that I think about it, someone should do that...It would have been a heck of a lot easier than the process I am going through). Anyhow, the law office said that the second set of papers have been filed. 4 to 6 weeks and I should get the court decisions in the mail, and that's it. No more court dates, no more meetings, no more signatures. It seems so...Uneventful.

Don't get me wrong, uneventful is good, especially given what I've gone through thus far. There's just something weird about getting an envelope in the mail that says "Congratulations. You have been accepted back into singlehood". Odd. I thought AT LEAST I would get served papers or something. Either way, 4 to 6 weeks it is. I'm not complaining at all. Just surprised I suppose.

My ex's lawyer made it a point to mention that if I'm "looking to remarry" I need to go back to the court 30 days after receiving the papers to get a stamp of approval to show that I am eligible to remarry. I explained that I'm in no rush for that and he seemed surprised. I think he thinks that I've been pushing things along so I could remarry someone that I have waiting on the side or something. Imagine that...Me? Wow.....What does he think, that I'm a sucker for pain? I mean, I just got out of the crappiest relationship this world has ever seen, do you REALLY think I'm going to jump into marriage again? HELL NO! How stupid do you think I am??? I'm actually a bit amused, a bit shocked and a bit insulted all at once. :-)

So- 4 to 6 weeks. Hmmm....I sense a divorce party coming on. If anyone objects to the concept of a divorce party, you're not invited. I might however, be nice and call it a "freedom party", but I'm a bit afraid someone will take it to mean I'm an American or something. Joke. Divorce party it is. Hooray for parties. Hooray for freedom. Hooray for the good friends I will have by my side!

The Dating Game

Here's a question- Why do some people not consider or understand the impacts of their actions? I have a friend who met someone recently. She for all fine purposes really liked this person a lot. He said that they were friends, yet behaved otherwise. When things progressed, he told her that he "wasn't interested in anyone at all" and that he didn't know if he wanted a long term relationship or any form of relationship. She cried. She was hurt. He claimed that he didn't understand why she was so hurt. Holy disconnect.

I look at her story and I think to myself "what the..." I mean, what is the deal? From what I'm hearing, this is not an uncommon story. My question is- how is it that a guy doesn't know what he wants out of life? And to be honest, if you don't know what you want out of life, why should you be aloud to go around breaking people's hearts and making them so upset? This is not a fair way to approach things, and in my opinion...it is just wrong. I know in some cases, there are people who genuinely don't know how they feel about someone until they are "in" the situation, but it still doesn't negate the fact that the other party still ends up feeling hurt.

I hear that this is not uncommon for men. Break a heart, walk away. On another, but equally unfair note, I know of someone who dates multiple girls at a time and one never knows about the other. People around him laugh and joke, but quite frankly, I find it disgusting. I mean, where is the integrity? Don't women deserve to be treated with respect? Hell- don't all people deserve to be treated with respect?

My Muslim friends will come in now and say that this is one of the things that can be avoided by not casually dating. Devout Muslims don't date casually, and therefore manage to avoid the multiple heartbreaks. Please don't feed me that garbage. I know enough women in our community who have had husbands cheat on them, treat them with indifference, or other forms of disrespect. It just isn't right. This problem occurs regardless of which community you belong to, regardless of whether you're married or single. And I'm sorry to say this, but truthfully, the Muslim community isn't any better than any other in this regard. Trust me, I've been on the single side of the fence. I've met many jerks in the past few months, all of them Muslim. There is just as little integrity left in our community as there is in any other. Sad but true.

I'm not trying to male bash here. I'm not saying that women are angels. I've seen many brutal women too, just as many in fact, so it works both ways. I just want to understand why people in general think they have a right to trample on other people's hearts and feelings and why they think they have the right to toy around? It's not right. It's unfair. It lacks integrity. Trying to meet people has become nothing shy of a fake-o-rama dating game, and there is no room in it for honest people.

I think lately, I've been looking around, watching the world around me, and to be honest, I'm finding it to be a really disappointing place. Relationships are fickle. People are selfish, and there are very few good ones left in the world. Just when you think you meet good people, you learn otherwise. What's the point? Why bother? I think I'm going to build myself a bubble and live in it. Don't trust anyone, don't get hurt. I've had enough garbage in my life not to want to invite anymore in. I don't think I will be up for the dating game. I don't think I'm up for the heartbreak. I think I'll just raise my children on my own, live in my bubble and stay away from relationships. Well, at least for now. That way, I can avoid becoming the girl with the "what the??" in her head as the guy walks away after telling her that he's "not interested"...