At least, I think it's #4. I've seriously lost count. It's been years of the same crap over and over again. I think it's part of life for me. My ex is such a jerk, and no matter what he does, he will never get better. The man needs a personality transplant. And since those are not available, maybe a lobotomy.
So, the social worker was here. He just left. He interviewed the children for an hour. He's going to call my ex tomorrow. Let's see what happens. But judging by the past, I'm not optimistic at all. If nothing else, this is just going to piss him off more, which means the kids are even more at risk.
The therapist called them. I agreed with her decision (don't have much of a choice). And to be honest, it's probably for the best. Best case scenario, the children will have CAS supervised visits. That would be really great. Worse case scenario, they do nothing. That would really bite.
Kids are stressed. I'm stressed. Haven't been sleeping for an entire week. God help me.
Sometimes I just hate my life.
Thursday, December 01, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Day off School
The kids were too scared to go to school. They were afraid that their dad would come and try to pick them up in the middle of the day, and then they would have no choice but to go with him, in order to avoid a big scene. I wanted to argue back, but to be honest, they made a lot of sense. So I kept them home.
Of course, it's not a sustainable strategy by any means. But it did serve two purposes. One- the immediate one- he wouldn't come and pick them up randomly. And two- it gave the children a chance to calm down.
My son said something that felt like deja vu. I said the exact same words when I was married to my ex. He said, "When dad is good, he's really good. But when he's bad, he's the worst ever. The problem is you don't know which dad you're going to see on which day". That pretty much sums it up.
My daughter said her dad was the type to get really pissed off one day and come and kill everyone, children, ex wife, all 3 of us. And yet the system doesn't help us.
Today has been a surprisingly calm day. He hasn't phoned for the kids, he hasn't emailed or texted me, I didn't hear from his lawyer and I didn't get a call from the police dept. No attempts were made to pick up the kids either. It's like the calm before the storm. I was telling my girlfriend, my ex is smart. He won't do anything today. It's too predictable. He's the type to come out one day out of the blue and go nuts.
Getting through the weekend....
Of course, it's not a sustainable strategy by any means. But it did serve two purposes. One- the immediate one- he wouldn't come and pick them up randomly. And two- it gave the children a chance to calm down.
My son said something that felt like deja vu. I said the exact same words when I was married to my ex. He said, "When dad is good, he's really good. But when he's bad, he's the worst ever. The problem is you don't know which dad you're going to see on which day". That pretty much sums it up.
My daughter said her dad was the type to get really pissed off one day and come and kill everyone, children, ex wife, all 3 of us. And yet the system doesn't help us.
Today has been a surprisingly calm day. He hasn't phoned for the kids, he hasn't emailed or texted me, I didn't hear from his lawyer and I didn't get a call from the police dept. No attempts were made to pick up the kids either. It's like the calm before the storm. I was telling my girlfriend, my ex is smart. He won't do anything today. It's too predictable. He's the type to come out one day out of the blue and go nuts.
Getting through the weekend....
Home with the Kids
The kids didn't want to go to school today. Can't say that I blame them. My solution, let's take a "fun day" to get our minds off things.
So I took the children to their therapist on Wed. Got an appt in the middle of the day, so I had to take the kids out of school (it hasn't been the best week for school, their concentration is shot). I love their therapist. She is so awesome with children it's unreal.
The solution she gave them was a tough one though. She told them that they had to learn to stand up for themselves, that this is a skill they will need throughout life. That they cannot let themselves be pushed around. She said they needed to feel empowered, and asked what their ideal solution would be. The children said they wanted some space from dad for a little while, and then they could start seeing him again when they feel safe. So she showed them how to get what they want and feel empowered by the process.
Her solution was that they should call their father and tell him how they feel. My son was very brave and strong and handled the situation very well. He said "Dad, I love you, but lately you've been really scary. You've been threatening us, and it's not OK, and we don't feel safe at your home. So we want to take some time to feel less stressed and scared and when we are ready we will see you again. We don't want you to be angry and move away from us, but if that's what you decide to do, it's your choice".
And then he hung up the phone and cried. My heart bled for him. They say whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I'm sure this experience will make him stronger one day, but it killed me to watch.
Dad's response when he called back: "Your mother is manipulating you, and I intend to pick you up on Friday. We will talk in person".
I thought I was going to throw up. I can only imagine how my son felt. This was not part of his preparation by the doctor.
His response was calm and bang on. "I'm sorry dad. I don't think you're listening. We don't want to spend time with you on Friday and we won't be coming. I don't want to argue with you about this".
Poor kid. Honestly, I was so stressed watching this unfold.
Now the new problem. What if he shows up with the police? So yesterday I went to the police station. Turns out that given the circumstances, he won't be able to force me to hand the children over. I am, after all, the custodial parent (thank GOD), and I do have the rights to act in the children's best interests. (Thank GOD again).
In the meantime, the therapist has called the CAS...and they will be coming out next week to speak to the children. In the grand scheme of things, this is probably a good thing, since it will help by giving the children the support and safety that they need.
Poor kids :( They slept with me in my bed the last 2 nights. My daughter cries in her sleep and my son shouts out in his sleep and wakes up in a fright. I know that feeling. I had those nightmares for years after the divorce. I had hoped my children would never go through this. Some days, it feels like no matter what I do, it can never be enough to protect them from this mess. And some days I feel like I created the mess by marrying the monster.
Sigh.
So I took the children to their therapist on Wed. Got an appt in the middle of the day, so I had to take the kids out of school (it hasn't been the best week for school, their concentration is shot). I love their therapist. She is so awesome with children it's unreal.
The solution she gave them was a tough one though. She told them that they had to learn to stand up for themselves, that this is a skill they will need throughout life. That they cannot let themselves be pushed around. She said they needed to feel empowered, and asked what their ideal solution would be. The children said they wanted some space from dad for a little while, and then they could start seeing him again when they feel safe. So she showed them how to get what they want and feel empowered by the process.
Her solution was that they should call their father and tell him how they feel. My son was very brave and strong and handled the situation very well. He said "Dad, I love you, but lately you've been really scary. You've been threatening us, and it's not OK, and we don't feel safe at your home. So we want to take some time to feel less stressed and scared and when we are ready we will see you again. We don't want you to be angry and move away from us, but if that's what you decide to do, it's your choice".
And then he hung up the phone and cried. My heart bled for him. They say whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I'm sure this experience will make him stronger one day, but it killed me to watch.
Dad's response when he called back: "Your mother is manipulating you, and I intend to pick you up on Friday. We will talk in person".
I thought I was going to throw up. I can only imagine how my son felt. This was not part of his preparation by the doctor.
His response was calm and bang on. "I'm sorry dad. I don't think you're listening. We don't want to spend time with you on Friday and we won't be coming. I don't want to argue with you about this".
Poor kid. Honestly, I was so stressed watching this unfold.
Now the new problem. What if he shows up with the police? So yesterday I went to the police station. Turns out that given the circumstances, he won't be able to force me to hand the children over. I am, after all, the custodial parent (thank GOD), and I do have the rights to act in the children's best interests. (Thank GOD again).
In the meantime, the therapist has called the CAS...and they will be coming out next week to speak to the children. In the grand scheme of things, this is probably a good thing, since it will help by giving the children the support and safety that they need.
Poor kids :( They slept with me in my bed the last 2 nights. My daughter cries in her sleep and my son shouts out in his sleep and wakes up in a fright. I know that feeling. I had those nightmares for years after the divorce. I had hoped my children would never go through this. Some days, it feels like no matter what I do, it can never be enough to protect them from this mess. And some days I feel like I created the mess by marrying the monster.
Sigh.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Dirt Bag
My ex is a total complete waste. A total dirt bag. So here is his latest stunt. Apparently I am the moron who was idiotic enough (yet again) to believe that if I tried to be civil, things would be less toxic for my children.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
So the latest stunt, last night I got the kids after school and they were in tears. Apparently, their gem of a father told them that he intends to go back to court and that he intends to get 50/50 access to the children. In order to do this, they have to tell the courts that they don't want this much time with me. That they want more time with him.
The kicker...is the threat he outright gave them.
Either you agree to do this, or I will move to Morocco with my new wife, start a new family and I never want to see your faces again.
WTF??? Who the hell says that to a child? There is a special place in hell for a man like him.
So now, I have to figure out what to do with this crap. My daughter fears abandonment, and fears that if she doesn't comply it will be all her fault that her father will leave her.
Yeah, tell me these kids won't have issues in the future. SIGH.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
So the latest stunt, last night I got the kids after school and they were in tears. Apparently, their gem of a father told them that he intends to go back to court and that he intends to get 50/50 access to the children. In order to do this, they have to tell the courts that they don't want this much time with me. That they want more time with him.
The kicker...is the threat he outright gave them.
Either you agree to do this, or I will move to Morocco with my new wife, start a new family and I never want to see your faces again.
WTF??? Who the hell says that to a child? There is a special place in hell for a man like him.
So now, I have to figure out what to do with this crap. My daughter fears abandonment, and fears that if she doesn't comply it will be all her fault that her father will leave her.
Yeah, tell me these kids won't have issues in the future. SIGH.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
If you don't want me...
You are free to go. I won't allow myself to want you.
I love Oprah Winfrey.
Aside from the fact that this might sound a bit bitter, it actually isn't. Think deep down about what it really means. Many of us, especially women, we tend to chase after people (men, friends, careers) that we think we really want, but really at the end of the day, all we really want is to be loved, respected, and appreciated.
So why do we chase after something that doesn't give us these things? I think it's because we validate ourselves through the wrong things. This is one of the things that I can truly say I have consciously been trying to change. I mean, I'm guilty of it 100%. Why did I stay with an abusive man? Because somewhere deep down inside, I hoped he would get better, I wished the potential that I imagined would come through...but most of all...
I did not want to be the girl who wasn't worthy of being loved.
That girl who couldn't keep a man. That girl who was worthy only of being alone. Funny thing about fear, when you make decisions based on fear, they are never the right decisions.
Since then, men have come and gone, but the decisions around them have always been mine. They may be the right decisions, they may be the wrong decisions, but they are MY decisions.
The one I am working on now, is this one. I will not chase after that which doesn't want me back. It's a tough one, but my goal for this period. Whether it's a career, some unworthy friends, or yes, a man.
I'm feeling good about the journey.
I love Oprah Winfrey.
Aside from the fact that this might sound a bit bitter, it actually isn't. Think deep down about what it really means. Many of us, especially women, we tend to chase after people (men, friends, careers) that we think we really want, but really at the end of the day, all we really want is to be loved, respected, and appreciated.
So why do we chase after something that doesn't give us these things? I think it's because we validate ourselves through the wrong things. This is one of the things that I can truly say I have consciously been trying to change. I mean, I'm guilty of it 100%. Why did I stay with an abusive man? Because somewhere deep down inside, I hoped he would get better, I wished the potential that I imagined would come through...but most of all...
I did not want to be the girl who wasn't worthy of being loved.
That girl who couldn't keep a man. That girl who was worthy only of being alone. Funny thing about fear, when you make decisions based on fear, they are never the right decisions.
Since then, men have come and gone, but the decisions around them have always been mine. They may be the right decisions, they may be the wrong decisions, but they are MY decisions.
The one I am working on now, is this one. I will not chase after that which doesn't want me back. It's a tough one, but my goal for this period. Whether it's a career, some unworthy friends, or yes, a man.
I'm feeling good about the journey.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Trying to Work Together
So my ex and I are due back in court in Oct. However, I *think* we've decided to try to work together and see if we can avoid court for now. (Let's see how that goes- but honestly, couldn't he have tried working together BEFORE starting a court process??). My experience has always unfortunately been that he is not that trustworthy, but somehow I have allowed myself to become the world's punching bag, so here I am, agreeing to everything, and as always getting nothing in return. (Wow, that sounds really bitter, doesn't it? I didn't mean for it to be!).
I've decided to do this mostly for selfish reasons. I need some sanity in my life. I don't need to add more stress or to even deal with his constant confrontational emails. Balancing work, kids, housework is always a challenge, and if they can have a good time with their dad, I am supportive. That problem is, that's a bit IF. How do you handle an unstable person? Do you trust, or do you let your experiences guide you?
On another note (after my big rant!)- Ramadan was a bit tougher this year- the fasts were LONG and with work, they felt even longer. Fortunately, I worked from home every Thursday, and took every Friday off work. That helped a lot. I took the kids to the mosque every Friday and we even went with my parents. It was loads of fun! I am so glad I did that. The kids even kept a few fasts, because I was home on Fridays and we were able to do it together. When Ramadan ended, on the Friday of the long weekend, my daughter said "Mommy it's Friday- can we go to the mosque?". It was cute, and of course we all went- always a nice bonding experience. I guess the biggest accomplishment this Ramadan, was giving the children a bit of enjoyment and excitement around fasting and the mosque- something they didn't have before.
I've decided to do this mostly for selfish reasons. I need some sanity in my life. I don't need to add more stress or to even deal with his constant confrontational emails. Balancing work, kids, housework is always a challenge, and if they can have a good time with their dad, I am supportive. That problem is, that's a bit IF. How do you handle an unstable person? Do you trust, or do you let your experiences guide you?
On another note (after my big rant!)- Ramadan was a bit tougher this year- the fasts were LONG and with work, they felt even longer. Fortunately, I worked from home every Thursday, and took every Friday off work. That helped a lot. I took the kids to the mosque every Friday and we even went with my parents. It was loads of fun! I am so glad I did that. The kids even kept a few fasts, because I was home on Fridays and we were able to do it together. When Ramadan ended, on the Friday of the long weekend, my daughter said "Mommy it's Friday- can we go to the mosque?". It was cute, and of course we all went- always a nice bonding experience. I guess the biggest accomplishment this Ramadan, was giving the children a bit of enjoyment and excitement around fasting and the mosque- something they didn't have before.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Half Way Through Ramadan...
Ramadan comes along so quickly, and then it goes so quickly. I can't believe that it's almost half over.
This year, to make Ramadan a bit easier, I took each Friday off work. It's been nice. So far, on the first two Fridays of Ramadan, I took the kids and my parents to the mosque. They all enjoyed the custom, and I have to admit, so did I.
I've also scheduled to work from home each Thursday. With the long fasts (4:30am - 8:30pm), the train commute etc is just too much for me. So these small things have made a big difference.
My son has asked to fast, so I have let him keep 4 fasts each week (the days that I am home)- funny- he's so skinny and seems so small that I almost felt bad, but then I remember that I started when I was his age. It's all relative.
My daughter has kept 2 fasts this year. It was a big deal for her. She's a little tike, but quite the trooper. I would not have asked her to fast, as I think she's so little (that's a mom talking)- but she really wanted to try it, and I didn't want to discourage her.
Now the kids are doing their countdown to Eid. :)
This year, to make Ramadan a bit easier, I took each Friday off work. It's been nice. So far, on the first two Fridays of Ramadan, I took the kids and my parents to the mosque. They all enjoyed the custom, and I have to admit, so did I.
I've also scheduled to work from home each Thursday. With the long fasts (4:30am - 8:30pm), the train commute etc is just too much for me. So these small things have made a big difference.
My son has asked to fast, so I have let him keep 4 fasts each week (the days that I am home)- funny- he's so skinny and seems so small that I almost felt bad, but then I remember that I started when I was his age. It's all relative.
My daughter has kept 2 fasts this year. It was a big deal for her. She's a little tike, but quite the trooper. I would not have asked her to fast, as I think she's so little (that's a mom talking)- but she really wanted to try it, and I didn't want to discourage her.
Now the kids are doing their countdown to Eid. :)
Monday, July 18, 2011
Beach Therapy
I had a bit of time to think. I went to Cuba for a week. There was nothing more serene than being able to spend mornings just thinking about life while you sit at the beach alone, watching the water before anyone else has a chance to join you. I thoroghly enjoyed it. It gave me time to think about the things that matter to me most, and how I need to get that work life balance that I've been looking for. I was also, for the first time in my life, able to give myself credit for my accomplishments, and to allow myself to make a few mistakes. It was a great feeling.
Unfortunately, coming back home, I found that left side eye twitch returned within a few days (it was gone in Cuba). So clearly, something is just too stressful and my body is giving me a sign. Now I have to figure out how to peel back the layers and determine which element of my life to change- is it the housework (do I need a nanny?) Is it the commute to Toronto daily which takes about 3 hrs a day that's killing me? Is it having a corporate career that perhaps is just too much for me? I need to do a bit more soul searching, but I think I'm on my way.
I also realized just how much I miss my girlfriends. I've removed myself from everyone, and I'm not sure why I did it, but I REALLY miss them. I miss the female bonding, I miss the reassurance, and I miss their encouragement. Most of these girlfriends live so far away (Ajax/Markham/Pickering/Whitby/Barrie)- I just want to have them all here.
And Ramadan is around the corner. I want this home to be full of love, full of guests this year. I want this to be the year I bring out the girl who would have dinner parties, without stress, because she would cook a basic meal, and enjoy the time with her friends.
One more thing I decided- in Feb, when I turn 40 this upcoming year, I am going to have a diva dinner with all my close friends. It's long overdue.
Unfortunately, coming back home, I found that left side eye twitch returned within a few days (it was gone in Cuba). So clearly, something is just too stressful and my body is giving me a sign. Now I have to figure out how to peel back the layers and determine which element of my life to change- is it the housework (do I need a nanny?) Is it the commute to Toronto daily which takes about 3 hrs a day that's killing me? Is it having a corporate career that perhaps is just too much for me? I need to do a bit more soul searching, but I think I'm on my way.
I also realized just how much I miss my girlfriends. I've removed myself from everyone, and I'm not sure why I did it, but I REALLY miss them. I miss the female bonding, I miss the reassurance, and I miss their encouragement. Most of these girlfriends live so far away (Ajax/Markham/Pickering/Whitby/Barrie)- I just want to have them all here.
And Ramadan is around the corner. I want this home to be full of love, full of guests this year. I want this to be the year I bring out the girl who would have dinner parties, without stress, because she would cook a basic meal, and enjoy the time with her friends.
One more thing I decided- in Feb, when I turn 40 this upcoming year, I am going to have a diva dinner with all my close friends. It's long overdue.
Friday, July 01, 2011
My Ex's Wife
I met my ex and his wife the other day to discuss matters. I have to say, I think his wife is a Godsend. She seems really genuine (yes I could be naive, it won't be the first time), but I think I can trust her. She seems to be pretty up front about what she is trying to do- she wants the fighting to end so she doesn't have to hear about it all the time, she finds the animosity too toxic and she cannot stand that her new husband is spending all his time, energy, and money fighting an ex-wife in court. Sounds pretty honest to me.
She said she wants a peaceful life, one where she can have a life with her husband, be civil with his ex wife, and have a happy time free of courts and conflict. I can't say that I blame her.
I noticed in our discussion a couple of days back that she is very able to influence my ex. He is calmer and less confrontational when she is around. When he starts to get angry and raise his voice, she gently puts her hand on his arm, smiles at him, and his tone changes. Perhaps this is short lived, but for now, I have to wonder if maybe their personalities just match really well. Or maybe she is just good at calming conflict.
Either way, I don't want to get my hopes up too soon, but perhaps this could be the beginning of the end of some of our court conflict? We still have our court date in Oct so we have a few months to see how far things go. Let's see.
In the meantime, all of this court conflict, these court documents that have sucked all the time and life out of me, and a really insanely busy schedule at work have me totally tired out. The left side of my face has started to twitch, and this is especially scary, because it's the same symptom I had at the start of my physical breakdown, just before my left side was partly paralyzed back in 2004. I ignored the initial symptoms for weeks in 2004, and as a result I had a whole physical breakdown, resulting in a 2 week hospitalization. I simply cannot let that happen again.
And so, I've decided to take a break. The kids are with their dad for the first week of summer vacation, and I am taking this opportunity to go out of town for a week and just chill. I'm hoping to come back re-charged and ready to face the world.
Be back in a week...
She said she wants a peaceful life, one where she can have a life with her husband, be civil with his ex wife, and have a happy time free of courts and conflict. I can't say that I blame her.
I noticed in our discussion a couple of days back that she is very able to influence my ex. He is calmer and less confrontational when she is around. When he starts to get angry and raise his voice, she gently puts her hand on his arm, smiles at him, and his tone changes. Perhaps this is short lived, but for now, I have to wonder if maybe their personalities just match really well. Or maybe she is just good at calming conflict.
Either way, I don't want to get my hopes up too soon, but perhaps this could be the beginning of the end of some of our court conflict? We still have our court date in Oct so we have a few months to see how far things go. Let's see.
In the meantime, all of this court conflict, these court documents that have sucked all the time and life out of me, and a really insanely busy schedule at work have me totally tired out. The left side of my face has started to twitch, and this is especially scary, because it's the same symptom I had at the start of my physical breakdown, just before my left side was partly paralyzed back in 2004. I ignored the initial symptoms for weeks in 2004, and as a result I had a whole physical breakdown, resulting in a 2 week hospitalization. I simply cannot let that happen again.
And so, I've decided to take a break. The kids are with their dad for the first week of summer vacation, and I am taking this opportunity to go out of town for a week and just chill. I'm hoping to come back re-charged and ready to face the world.
Be back in a week...
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Playing Games
It feels like my ex is playing games, again.
He contacted me and basically requested that we try to work through our issues ourselves. The last time I checked, isn't that what people do BEFORE they start with court proceedings? I just don't get it. This court process is such a waste of time, energy, and money.
On the one hand, he wants more time with the children. On the other, he can't handle the time that he has. I wish he would understand the simple mathematics. If he could demonstrate an ability to handle the kids better, I would be happy to give him more time with the children. I mean, I would actually have some breathing time. Come on.
So we are pushing the June 24 court date out to October. The goal is to give it one last shot to come to an out-of-court agreement. Let's see how this goes.
To those of my friends who wonder where I've been lately, I'm around. Just trying to get out of my funk. Life is starting to take a real toll on me. I'm feeling mentally stressed, and I really think I just need a break. I miss my friends, and my social life. I'm feeling a bit down...
Thankfully, it's summer. The sunshine will help and I have a few things to get on track.
Isn't it funny how the people who look so well put together are the ones with the most problems?
I had an eye opener this past weekend. I had a friend in town from Kuwait. I haven't seen her for 7 years. It was lovely to see her after so long, and at the same time, I needed a bit of a smackdown, and I'm glad she gave it to me. She watched me working in my house and basically said that I haven't changed in 7 years. I worked myself to the bone when I was married, to the point of a stress attack that put me in the hospital. And she says I'm still doing it. And she's right. I still push myself too hard, I still keep myself isolated and I still try to do everything on my own and be superwoman. Here I was thinking that everything has changed- and why the logistics have (I am divorced and on my own)- my core hasn't. I am still driving myself to exhaustion.
By the time she left, she insisted that I find someone to help in my home. Someone to cook/clean/and get the kids out the door in the morning. Not a full time nanny, but a couple of hours of day. If anyone knows someone I can use, let me know! I think it's time.
Monday, May 02, 2011
Thursday will be Day 1 in Court....Again
I cannot believe how insane it is that I am back to square one again. Have you ever felt totally completely alone, like nobody in the world understands?
I feel like my network has watched this so many times over, that history keeps repeating itself. I wonder where the justice is, and yet I feel like an ingrate for wondering, because really I have received so much to be thankful for, and truthfully, I have no right to complain. God has been too kind to me already, and I have no right to question the difficult times. I have, after all been blessed with more than my share. I guess it's only fitting that I endure some hardships as well. I want to say 'why me', but really, why not me?
I guess the best summary is that I feel like I'm in a bit of a confused state. I mean, who wouldn't? I'm tired, ragged, and need a break. I am, after all, the good parent. I'm the one who supports my kids, loves them, hugs them, tries to keep them safe.
The other day, my daughter was complaining that life was so hard. Why does she have to come from a divorced home? Why couldn't she have a normal life or at least a normal father. And then here is the kicker...my son replies "we have a mother that is better than most mothers in the world. She more than makes up for dad. Be happy with what we have".
Have I mentioned that I adore my kids?
I think that is what keeps me going. My love for my children. I adore them. I'm glad they are a part of my life. I will fight tooth and nail for them. But I am also getting tired. And I feel sometimes like I am going to die fighting this fight, like this will never end. That it will haunt me for life.
He is, ever all, bipolar, and this is the nature of the beast. He will forever go through his cycles, and I am forever condemned to ride the waves with him. As long as the children are children. And when their innocence is over, the waves might stop.
Then again...who knows, maybe these waves won't ever stop. Ironic that I thought a divorce would end the pain. It didn't end it, just lessened it, and gave it a new face. A few days ago, I was lying in bed and realized the scary reality...this is NEVER going to end. He's going to haunt me until the day I die. Until death do us part. Because there is a part of him that is pure evil and wants to get even with me. There is a clinically psychotic side that will not ever let me breathe. Even when he remarries, he will focus on revenge. It kind of redefines "till death do us part".
With abusive men, the abuse never really ends. It just changes faces. And you can be strong, and smile around your friends, and pretend that it is all OK. But it isn't. You're just kind of waiting for something to end the misery.
And last week a friend called me a "survivor of domestic violence". Funny term. I mean, I didn't "survive" anything. I'm still kind of attempting to survive. And here is the other funny thing. When you climb that scary mountain and get to the top, and reach that point where you think it is all over, you realize two things:
I feel like my network has watched this so many times over, that history keeps repeating itself. I wonder where the justice is, and yet I feel like an ingrate for wondering, because really I have received so much to be thankful for, and truthfully, I have no right to complain. God has been too kind to me already, and I have no right to question the difficult times. I have, after all been blessed with more than my share. I guess it's only fitting that I endure some hardships as well. I want to say 'why me', but really, why not me?
I guess the best summary is that I feel like I'm in a bit of a confused state. I mean, who wouldn't? I'm tired, ragged, and need a break. I am, after all, the good parent. I'm the one who supports my kids, loves them, hugs them, tries to keep them safe.
The other day, my daughter was complaining that life was so hard. Why does she have to come from a divorced home? Why couldn't she have a normal life or at least a normal father. And then here is the kicker...my son replies "we have a mother that is better than most mothers in the world. She more than makes up for dad. Be happy with what we have".
Have I mentioned that I adore my kids?
I think that is what keeps me going. My love for my children. I adore them. I'm glad they are a part of my life. I will fight tooth and nail for them. But I am also getting tired. And I feel sometimes like I am going to die fighting this fight, like this will never end. That it will haunt me for life.
He is, ever all, bipolar, and this is the nature of the beast. He will forever go through his cycles, and I am forever condemned to ride the waves with him. As long as the children are children. And when their innocence is over, the waves might stop.
Then again...who knows, maybe these waves won't ever stop. Ironic that I thought a divorce would end the pain. It didn't end it, just lessened it, and gave it a new face. A few days ago, I was lying in bed and realized the scary reality...this is NEVER going to end. He's going to haunt me until the day I die. Until death do us part. Because there is a part of him that is pure evil and wants to get even with me. There is a clinically psychotic side that will not ever let me breathe. Even when he remarries, he will focus on revenge. It kind of redefines "till death do us part".
With abusive men, the abuse never really ends. It just changes faces. And you can be strong, and smile around your friends, and pretend that it is all OK. But it isn't. You're just kind of waiting for something to end the misery.
And last week a friend called me a "survivor of domestic violence". Funny term. I mean, I didn't "survive" anything. I'm still kind of attempting to survive. And here is the other funny thing. When you climb that scary mountain and get to the top, and reach that point where you think it is all over, you realize two things:
- You are all alone up there.
- You still have to make your way down again, and that is another lonely journey.
Getting to the top of the mountain was just half the journey. The other half is just beginning, and now you're tired, ragged, and alone. In some ways, the climb was the easy part.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
It's Been a Long Road...
And again, I haven't blogged in awhile. What I know for sure is that whatever doesn't kill you, will make you stronger.
And I am still alive.
So- I've been focused on this court fiasco. I cannot believe that he has the audacity to ask for joint custody after this long drawn out battle that just ended two years ago.
And then again....why should I be surprised?
So far, I have drafted my own court documents. The way I see it, I'm smart enough, and I've spent enough money. And mostly, I believe there is a God. No matter what faults I have, no matter what mistakes I've made in life, he has been here, supporting me, and almost cheering me on. Or at least that's how it feels.
That God cannot let a good mother lose. I just feel like there is something bigger, something more important that is meant to come from all this, and so I will go through the motions and see where the road takes me.
At the end of the day, I seriously doubt that any court will give 50/50 access and joint custody to a man who has abused the children many times.
The only drawback- he has requested for a children's lawyer. While this can only work in my favour, I still feel that it is an unnecessary thing to subject the children to. But I don't think I will have a choice in the matter.
And he has been coaching the children. He told my daughter to ask for one week on, one week off - basically one week with me, one week with him. When she told him no, he told her that she will either do it, or he can make a new child with his new wife and replace her. Yes, you read correctly. My daughter came home crying and had nightmares for two weeks. What a total complete jerk.
I told my daughter that she cannot let him bully her. At the end of the day, once the children's lawyer finds out this happened (and I fully intend to tell them), this will only work against him.
I wonder what the purpose is of this round of court. Surely there is a purpose. I just don't know what it is. Time will tell.
I ran into a girlfriend the other day- she was shocked at my inability to focus, and the fact that I couldn't relax. Can you blame me?
But pre-occupied or not, I am doing my best to stay positive. And I just know that despite how stressful this is, and the fact that I feel so incredibly alone right now...I just know in my heart that in time, everything will be ok.
This too will pass.
And I am still alive.
So- I've been focused on this court fiasco. I cannot believe that he has the audacity to ask for joint custody after this long drawn out battle that just ended two years ago.
And then again....why should I be surprised?
So far, I have drafted my own court documents. The way I see it, I'm smart enough, and I've spent enough money. And mostly, I believe there is a God. No matter what faults I have, no matter what mistakes I've made in life, he has been here, supporting me, and almost cheering me on. Or at least that's how it feels.
That God cannot let a good mother lose. I just feel like there is something bigger, something more important that is meant to come from all this, and so I will go through the motions and see where the road takes me.
At the end of the day, I seriously doubt that any court will give 50/50 access and joint custody to a man who has abused the children many times.
The only drawback- he has requested for a children's lawyer. While this can only work in my favour, I still feel that it is an unnecessary thing to subject the children to. But I don't think I will have a choice in the matter.
And he has been coaching the children. He told my daughter to ask for one week on, one week off - basically one week with me, one week with him. When she told him no, he told her that she will either do it, or he can make a new child with his new wife and replace her. Yes, you read correctly. My daughter came home crying and had nightmares for two weeks. What a total complete jerk.
I told my daughter that she cannot let him bully her. At the end of the day, once the children's lawyer finds out this happened (and I fully intend to tell them), this will only work against him.
I wonder what the purpose is of this round of court. Surely there is a purpose. I just don't know what it is. Time will tell.
I ran into a girlfriend the other day- she was shocked at my inability to focus, and the fact that I couldn't relax. Can you blame me?
But pre-occupied or not, I am doing my best to stay positive. And I just know that despite how stressful this is, and the fact that I feel so incredibly alone right now...I just know in my heart that in time, everything will be ok.
This too will pass.
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Served by the Asshole.
Just got served papers from the asshole. Again. It doesn't end with him. Apparently, he wants to go back to court. Apparently, he wants more time with the children. Nevermind the fact that they don't like visiting him, or that they don't want more time with him. He is insisting on more time with them.
It doesn't end. I wish he would just bugger off and get busy in his new life with his wife, and leave me and the kids alone. He doesn't have a stitch of humanity in him.
Days like this, I wonder why I try so hard. It doesn't seem to get me anywhere. I'm the good parent, the one who has been stable as a parent, yet he is the one who somehow thinks it's OK to keep pushing things over and over again.
Luck of the draw I suppose. But man, I wish fate would deal a different hand. How much more patience am I supposed to have?
It doesn't end. I wish he would just bugger off and get busy in his new life with his wife, and leave me and the kids alone. He doesn't have a stitch of humanity in him.
Days like this, I wonder why I try so hard. It doesn't seem to get me anywhere. I'm the good parent, the one who has been stable as a parent, yet he is the one who somehow thinks it's OK to keep pushing things over and over again.
Luck of the draw I suppose. But man, I wish fate would deal a different hand. How much more patience am I supposed to have?
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Stupid Walk in Clinics
Never go to a walk in clinic. Unless it's so late in the night that you have no other options.
My mom took my daughter to a walk in today. That was AFTER giving her a dose of advil. Although my mom told the doctor that my daughter was given advil to bring down the 104 fever, the doctor told her that my daughter was fine and prescribed- get this - claritin for allergies. She said my daughter had allergies. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I do have half a brain and therefore I do know that allergies do not give you a fever of 104. Idiot doctor.
So we are home and my daughter is crying her eyes out - from the pain, the fever, the sore throat, the cold.
I've given her medication/cough syrup/nasal spray. And more importantly, I've asked my mother to take her to our family doctor tomorrow (he was closed today, which is why they went to a walk in clinic).
Sigh. Stupid health care. Stupid doctors should be fired.
My mom took my daughter to a walk in today. That was AFTER giving her a dose of advil. Although my mom told the doctor that my daughter was given advil to bring down the 104 fever, the doctor told her that my daughter was fine and prescribed- get this - claritin for allergies. She said my daughter had allergies. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I do have half a brain and therefore I do know that allergies do not give you a fever of 104. Idiot doctor.
So we are home and my daughter is crying her eyes out - from the pain, the fever, the sore throat, the cold.
I've given her medication/cough syrup/nasal spray. And more importantly, I've asked my mother to take her to our family doctor tomorrow (he was closed today, which is why they went to a walk in clinic).
Sigh. Stupid health care. Stupid doctors should be fired.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sick Child
My daughter is sick :(
She woke up at 2am last night with a raging fever...and it just got worse throughout the day. By noon it was 104F. So rough.
So I finally got her to go to sleep...and I know I'm in for a rough night. And I'm still not 100% myself. And I have to go to work tomorrow, so she goes to my mother's house (guilty bad mother nerves kicking in)...
When does it all get better?
There is nothing more heart wrenching than a sick child.
She woke up at 2am last night with a raging fever...and it just got worse throughout the day. By noon it was 104F. So rough.
So I finally got her to go to sleep...and I know I'm in for a rough night. And I'm still not 100% myself. And I have to go to work tomorrow, so she goes to my mother's house (guilty bad mother nerves kicking in)...
When does it all get better?
There is nothing more heart wrenching than a sick child.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Strep Throat
It doesn't end :(
Just when I think I'm getting better I find out that I have step throat. Sick again. I had to work from home Friday because I was so exhausted. And I am now on my third round of antibiotics. It's very frustrating.
My doctor says that I basically have no immune system. All the antibiotics have stripped my immune system. So I have to keep myself warm to protect my lungs (and the pneumonia), and I have to stay away from sick people because I will get sick if I am exposed to anyone. Sigh.
And the worst part...I was hoping to go on an Umrah trip to Mecca with my parents in March. I felt like it was time for a spiritual awakening. My doctor says that with my immune system as bad as it is, he would not recommend planning such a trip. Sucks to be me.
So now I wait, and hope to heal. Maybe I can do the Umrah trip in July. Fingers crossed.
Just when I think I'm getting better I find out that I have step throat. Sick again. I had to work from home Friday because I was so exhausted. And I am now on my third round of antibiotics. It's very frustrating.
My doctor says that I basically have no immune system. All the antibiotics have stripped my immune system. So I have to keep myself warm to protect my lungs (and the pneumonia), and I have to stay away from sick people because I will get sick if I am exposed to anyone. Sigh.
And the worst part...I was hoping to go on an Umrah trip to Mecca with my parents in March. I felt like it was time for a spiritual awakening. My doctor says that with my immune system as bad as it is, he would not recommend planning such a trip. Sucks to be me.
So now I wait, and hope to heal. Maybe I can do the Umrah trip in July. Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Back to Work with Pneumonia
This was my first week back in the office. Today was my third day physically in the office. It' been much harder than I expected.
I thought that as long as I dressed warm, I would be OK. But the dressing warm was the least of it. I'm finding I need a nap a few hours into the day. I'm totally drained. And the worst, hardest part was walking up and down the stairs at the train station. Who would have thought?
I guess I didn't think. Duh. Pneumonia is about lung capacity and function. Walking down the stairs, across the tunnel and up another set during the morning rush in the freezing cold is a lot.
Today, when I got to the top of the stairs, I had a chest pain. Bad. Like I was going to fall to the ground and die. Brutal. Old age sucks. So does pneumonia.
I work from home on Thursday and I am going in for another set of xrays. I will definitely need to update my doctor on this. Sucks to be me.
I thought that as long as I dressed warm, I would be OK. But the dressing warm was the least of it. I'm finding I need a nap a few hours into the day. I'm totally drained. And the worst, hardest part was walking up and down the stairs at the train station. Who would have thought?
I guess I didn't think. Duh. Pneumonia is about lung capacity and function. Walking down the stairs, across the tunnel and up another set during the morning rush in the freezing cold is a lot.
Today, when I got to the top of the stairs, I had a chest pain. Bad. Like I was going to fall to the ground and die. Brutal. Old age sucks. So does pneumonia.
I work from home on Thursday and I am going in for another set of xrays. I will definitely need to update my doctor on this. Sucks to be me.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Forgiveness
Forgiveness does not mean that you have to accept a person back into your life, or that you are condoning what someone did.
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.
- Oprah Winfrey
I absolutely love this quote. I've heard other things- For example, that forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so that you can move on. That it's about letting go. I've always thought of forgiveness as meaning you have to be able to wish the person well and mean it, that you don't want them to pay for the past.
And to be honest, I've had a hard time with that definition. I can honestly say that I do wish my ex well, that I do hope he finds happiness (in some ways), but I think part of the reason is selfish- because I want him to leave me alone. If he finds happiness, he will get off my back. And then when I realize that part of my reason for wishing him well is so I could have peace, I feel like a bad person for thinking this way.
A few days ago, I told someone that I would never wish pneumonia on anyone, except maybe my ex. I know it's kind of mean, but truthfully, after all the cruel things he has continuously done for the past 7 years, without ever letting up, how could anyone be altruistic and wish someone happiness when they keep calling the police on you, or sending lawyers after you, or telling your children that you are a horrible mother? And then (again), I felt like a really bad person because I realize that maybe I don't wish him well after all.
But this new definition is one that I can live with. Because I think I have come to terms with the fact that there were things in my past that created my present. That I wish the past could have been different, but I've accepted it and been able to move on knowing that good or bad, it is what it is, and that I just have to deal with the reality I've been given. But most of all, I've accepted that the past could probably not have been any different. My ex is who he is. I really loved him once, and I didn't know about his temperament until after I married him. If things could happen again, I probably would have done them the same way, because there was no way to know who he was until after we were married. If I could have known beforehand, that would be a different story, but it couldn't have been any different. Not really. Except maybe that I could have left him sooner. But those are events that I really cannot change, and it's time to stop analyzing why I let things unfold the way they did. I let them unfold because that was the capacity I had at the time, end of story. And by the grace of God, things are different now, I am different now, and so things in my life will unfold very differently moving forward. Fair enough.
A good friend recently held me as I sobbed in her arms after my ex's last stunt. She said "Oh honey. You know what he's like. Just accept that he will never change. That you cannot have a civil relationship with this man. Let it go and you will be OK. It's the hope that's giving you constant disappointment. You can't hope for a leopard to change his spots, or for a jerk to unjerkify himself. Let it go...and stop wishing for him to change".
And it's true.
So I"m hoping to give up the "why me", the "why does this keep happening". I'm even starting to give up the "when will it end".
Because quite frankly, it may never end. Well, not until the children are 19, at which point the whole dynamics will change.
But at the end of the day, I can forgive...funny enough, and this realization made me cry for, honestly, like an HOUR. I have been focusing so long on trying to see if I could be good enough to "forgive" my ex, that I forgot that he's not the one that I need to forgive.
I need to forgive myself.
For making the choices I made, for letting things unfold the way they did. I am the one who needs to be forgiven. By myself. For purely kind reasons. Because it's time to love myself again, and time to realize that at the end of the day, I have to give up the hope that things in the past could have been different. The wish that I should have, could have somehow made them different.
I did what I could, and I survived, and my children survived.
So I forgive myself. Time to let my heart at ease, to let it breathe again, to live life again. And to let life unfold as it is meant to. And to let the past be in the past. Not an easy task, but I will give it a try.
And if every now and then I forget, well then, I can forgive myself and keep moving forward. I think I've earned at least that.
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.
- Oprah Winfrey
I absolutely love this quote. I've heard other things- For example, that forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so that you can move on. That it's about letting go. I've always thought of forgiveness as meaning you have to be able to wish the person well and mean it, that you don't want them to pay for the past.
And to be honest, I've had a hard time with that definition. I can honestly say that I do wish my ex well, that I do hope he finds happiness (in some ways), but I think part of the reason is selfish- because I want him to leave me alone. If he finds happiness, he will get off my back. And then when I realize that part of my reason for wishing him well is so I could have peace, I feel like a bad person for thinking this way.
A few days ago, I told someone that I would never wish pneumonia on anyone, except maybe my ex. I know it's kind of mean, but truthfully, after all the cruel things he has continuously done for the past 7 years, without ever letting up, how could anyone be altruistic and wish someone happiness when they keep calling the police on you, or sending lawyers after you, or telling your children that you are a horrible mother? And then (again), I felt like a really bad person because I realize that maybe I don't wish him well after all.
But this new definition is one that I can live with. Because I think I have come to terms with the fact that there were things in my past that created my present. That I wish the past could have been different, but I've accepted it and been able to move on knowing that good or bad, it is what it is, and that I just have to deal with the reality I've been given. But most of all, I've accepted that the past could probably not have been any different. My ex is who he is. I really loved him once, and I didn't know about his temperament until after I married him. If things could happen again, I probably would have done them the same way, because there was no way to know who he was until after we were married. If I could have known beforehand, that would be a different story, but it couldn't have been any different. Not really. Except maybe that I could have left him sooner. But those are events that I really cannot change, and it's time to stop analyzing why I let things unfold the way they did. I let them unfold because that was the capacity I had at the time, end of story. And by the grace of God, things are different now, I am different now, and so things in my life will unfold very differently moving forward. Fair enough.
A good friend recently held me as I sobbed in her arms after my ex's last stunt. She said "Oh honey. You know what he's like. Just accept that he will never change. That you cannot have a civil relationship with this man. Let it go and you will be OK. It's the hope that's giving you constant disappointment. You can't hope for a leopard to change his spots, or for a jerk to unjerkify himself. Let it go...and stop wishing for him to change".
And it's true.
So I"m hoping to give up the "why me", the "why does this keep happening". I'm even starting to give up the "when will it end".
Because quite frankly, it may never end. Well, not until the children are 19, at which point the whole dynamics will change.
But at the end of the day, I can forgive...funny enough, and this realization made me cry for, honestly, like an HOUR. I have been focusing so long on trying to see if I could be good enough to "forgive" my ex, that I forgot that he's not the one that I need to forgive.
I need to forgive myself.
For making the choices I made, for letting things unfold the way they did. I am the one who needs to be forgiven. By myself. For purely kind reasons. Because it's time to love myself again, and time to realize that at the end of the day, I have to give up the hope that things in the past could have been different. The wish that I should have, could have somehow made them different.
I did what I could, and I survived, and my children survived.
So I forgive myself. Time to let my heart at ease, to let it breathe again, to live life again. And to let life unfold as it is meant to. And to let the past be in the past. Not an easy task, but I will give it a try.
And if every now and then I forget, well then, I can forgive myself and keep moving forward. I think I've earned at least that.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
39 and Feeling it...
Today is my 39th Birthday. I have mixed feelings. Next year, I hit the big 4-0. Hard to believe.
I was so looking forward to having dinner with friends, was planning to have a diva dinner at a restaurant or something like that. And then the pneumonia hit. And while I'm feeling a bit better, I still can't smell anything or taste anything, and my lungs will pretty much leave on me if I dare expose them to the cold. Besides, what's the point in eating chocolate cake on your birthday if you can't even taste it? It's pointless.
So here I am. Working from home. Pondering how I let myself get this old without moving on with my life. When I went to my doctor's a few days ago, I told him I've never been this sick before in my life. He responded by oh-so-kindly reminding me that I am, after all, almost 40, which means my body will only have a harder time as each year comes. Thanks for the reminder.
So here I sit, afraid to go outside (the cold wind is an enemy to my frail lungs). I sit, and I ponder life, and I wonder if all those years of pushing myself just a little too hard to be super-mom, super-wife, super-daughter, super-friend, super-sister, and super-employee....all those years of being good to everyone except myself, have made my body super-angry to the point that it takes a fierce super-revenge on me.
Happy Birthday to me. And a goal for next year, before I turn 40- be kinder to myself...my body at this age after all, has a mind of it's own, and for the first time ever, I am realizing that it holds the veto card. It can trump anything- my plans, my goals, my happiness. I need to respect my body and start to give it priority, and a bit more respect. To be honest, I've neglected that fact that this body has been through immense trauma, both physical (oh the bruisings) and emotional- but it has stood strong and tall through everything. And everything has a breaking point. Fortunately, this was a small one- it, could after all, have been worse than just pneumonia.
My gift to myself- a new perspective- I will no longer push myself to continue working beyond exhaustion. I will no longer force myself to do laundry and groceries every spare second I get. I will not allow myself to feel guilty if I feel the need to "waste" the afternoon napping or reading a good book. I will be in tune to what my body tells me.
It has, after all, been my most faithful companion. But no love in this world is unconditional. And so, my body is cashing in with a few conditions. And it has the right to. Lessons learned.
Happy Birthday to me...
I was so looking forward to having dinner with friends, was planning to have a diva dinner at a restaurant or something like that. And then the pneumonia hit. And while I'm feeling a bit better, I still can't smell anything or taste anything, and my lungs will pretty much leave on me if I dare expose them to the cold. Besides, what's the point in eating chocolate cake on your birthday if you can't even taste it? It's pointless.
So here I am. Working from home. Pondering how I let myself get this old without moving on with my life. When I went to my doctor's a few days ago, I told him I've never been this sick before in my life. He responded by oh-so-kindly reminding me that I am, after all, almost 40, which means my body will only have a harder time as each year comes. Thanks for the reminder.
So here I sit, afraid to go outside (the cold wind is an enemy to my frail lungs). I sit, and I ponder life, and I wonder if all those years of pushing myself just a little too hard to be super-mom, super-wife, super-daughter, super-friend, super-sister, and super-employee....all those years of being good to everyone except myself, have made my body super-angry to the point that it takes a fierce super-revenge on me.
Happy Birthday to me. And a goal for next year, before I turn 40- be kinder to myself...my body at this age after all, has a mind of it's own, and for the first time ever, I am realizing that it holds the veto card. It can trump anything- my plans, my goals, my happiness. I need to respect my body and start to give it priority, and a bit more respect. To be honest, I've neglected that fact that this body has been through immense trauma, both physical (oh the bruisings) and emotional- but it has stood strong and tall through everything. And everything has a breaking point. Fortunately, this was a small one- it, could after all, have been worse than just pneumonia.
My gift to myself- a new perspective- I will no longer push myself to continue working beyond exhaustion. I will no longer force myself to do laundry and groceries every spare second I get. I will not allow myself to feel guilty if I feel the need to "waste" the afternoon napping or reading a good book. I will be in tune to what my body tells me.
It has, after all, been my most faithful companion. But no love in this world is unconditional. And so, my body is cashing in with a few conditions. And it has the right to. Lessons learned.
Happy Birthday to me...
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
A Compassionate Boss
Today was supposed to be my first day back in the office. I've been out of the office for just over 3 weeks with pneumonia. I worked from home yesterday, and told my boss that I would come in to work today.
At 6am I got an email from my boss. She said it was REALLY cold outside and was I sure I wanted to come into the office? She said she was totally OK with me working from home, anything to avoid getting sicker. She had pneumonia once and pushed herself to come back to work, and apparently it came back again a couple of weeks later. She has been constantly warning me to keep warm. It's just really nice of her to be so concerned.
What a blessing. Honestly- how many people can say they work for someone like that? I mean- I have been out of the office for 3 weeks! She has been carrying my workload for me, and she is still telling me that my health comes first and that work is not as important.
I feel so blessed. I'm no saint (trust me)- so I have NO IDEA what I did to deserve this, but wow. I am blown away. She even sent me flowers a week ago. And keep in mind, that I have only been working at this company for 6 months.
Today, I've been counting my blessings...
At 6am I got an email from my boss. She said it was REALLY cold outside and was I sure I wanted to come into the office? She said she was totally OK with me working from home, anything to avoid getting sicker. She had pneumonia once and pushed herself to come back to work, and apparently it came back again a couple of weeks later. She has been constantly warning me to keep warm. It's just really nice of her to be so concerned.
What a blessing. Honestly- how many people can say they work for someone like that? I mean- I have been out of the office for 3 weeks! She has been carrying my workload for me, and she is still telling me that my health comes first and that work is not as important.
I feel so blessed. I'm no saint (trust me)- so I have NO IDEA what I did to deserve this, but wow. I am blown away. She even sent me flowers a week ago. And keep in mind, that I have only been working at this company for 6 months.
Today, I've been counting my blessings...
Friday, February 04, 2011
The Butterfly Effect
Do you believe in the butterfly effect?
It's where they say that if you were to change one thing in your past, you would change ALL the outcomes that happened after that.
It's an interesting concept.
I've often wondered if I had the chance to change things would I have done things differently? I've always said that my biggest regret in life was marrying my ex husband. People have often responded that if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have my children. I've answered that with the thought that these children might have been in my life in another form, with another man...but what if that weren't true?
Then there are other things. I wouldn't have had the drive to succeed professionally if I didn't have a deadbeat for a husband. Really and truly- I pushed harder and harder at work, both because I was the primary breadwinner, and because work was my refuge from my miserable life at home. My best friendships were formed at work, my social life happened through work colleagues, and of course, my financial independence happened because of work.
Then there is my personality- strong headed, independent etc- it's all a result of circumstances.
And of course, my children, who I adore. I love them dearly, and they are here because of that marriage...as miserable as the marriage was, the children were my equity in a manner of speaking.
The butterfly effect. Interesting concept.
It's where they say that if you were to change one thing in your past, you would change ALL the outcomes that happened after that.
It's an interesting concept.
I've often wondered if I had the chance to change things would I have done things differently? I've always said that my biggest regret in life was marrying my ex husband. People have often responded that if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have my children. I've answered that with the thought that these children might have been in my life in another form, with another man...but what if that weren't true?
Then there are other things. I wouldn't have had the drive to succeed professionally if I didn't have a deadbeat for a husband. Really and truly- I pushed harder and harder at work, both because I was the primary breadwinner, and because work was my refuge from my miserable life at home. My best friendships were formed at work, my social life happened through work colleagues, and of course, my financial independence happened because of work.
Then there is my personality- strong headed, independent etc- it's all a result of circumstances.
And of course, my children, who I adore. I love them dearly, and they are here because of that marriage...as miserable as the marriage was, the children were my equity in a manner of speaking.
The butterfly effect. Interesting concept.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Snow Day 2011
Today is a snow day. It's the first one since my kids have been going to public school (since grade 1- so like 5/6 years). Needless to say, the kids are thrilled.
So thrilled in fact, that these same children who sleep in on a daily basis until I get frustrated and start yelling, woke up at 6am and gleefully ate their cereal in front of the TV, which in turn of course woke me up. Great. The one day where I thought I could maybe sleep in and rest off the tail end of the pneumonia. Murphy's Law, I suppose...
Either way, it's a nice day...my kids and I have agreed to make it a "pajama day", where we brush our teeth, wash our faces, and spend the day in pajamas. Everyone deserves a pajama day every now and then.
As I sit here blogging, my son is sitting at the kitchen table doing his homework (yes, he was so convinced that it would be a snow day that he didn't finish it last night. We had a bet going. I told him there hasn't been a snow day in years and that he would get study hall. He insisted it would be a snow day. I decided to let natural consequences take their place. And I lost. I hate losing).
My daughter is lying on the sofa, under a comforter, reading a novel.
And I am here blogging, with a cup of tea, and my pneumonia almost gone (fingers crossed). Life doesn't get a lot better than this.
So thrilled in fact, that these same children who sleep in on a daily basis until I get frustrated and start yelling, woke up at 6am and gleefully ate their cereal in front of the TV, which in turn of course woke me up. Great. The one day where I thought I could maybe sleep in and rest off the tail end of the pneumonia. Murphy's Law, I suppose...
Either way, it's a nice day...my kids and I have agreed to make it a "pajama day", where we brush our teeth, wash our faces, and spend the day in pajamas. Everyone deserves a pajama day every now and then.
As I sit here blogging, my son is sitting at the kitchen table doing his homework (yes, he was so convinced that it would be a snow day that he didn't finish it last night. We had a bet going. I told him there hasn't been a snow day in years and that he would get study hall. He insisted it would be a snow day. I decided to let natural consequences take their place. And I lost. I hate losing).
My daughter is lying on the sofa, under a comforter, reading a novel.
And I am here blogging, with a cup of tea, and my pneumonia almost gone (fingers crossed). Life doesn't get a lot better than this.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
A Weekend with Mom and Dad
I'm spending this weekend with my mom and dad. Nothing like some TLC to make you feel better.
It's funny. I'm almost 39 (well, I will be in a few weeks), and nothing feels nicer than having my mom put a big blanket over me and make me a cup of tea. She came and checked on me last night when I was sleeping to see if I was able to sleep. It was so adorable...she opened the door and whispered my name and when I didn't answer, she got another blanket, put it on top of me and quietly left. There is no better feeling in the world than that.
It made me wonder...with my hectic life, am I half the mother my mom is? Will the things I do for my children come anywhere close to what mom does for me? Sadly, half the time when my kids are sick, I send them to my mother so I can go to work. So while I know they are getting the best care possible, will their memories of comfort be of my mother, or will they be of me?
While it's awesome that my mom comforts them (nobody can give better care than her)- what is my "comfort" contribution to my children? Have I spent too much time focusing on the functional aspects of motherhood (like putting food on the table, cooking meals, doing homework), and too little on the comfort?
I do know that when my daughter is down, she says nothing makes her feel better than when I rock her back and forth in my arms and tell her that everything will be OK. So it's not like I do nothing...but do I do enough?
That's a question that I will only have the answer to when they are old enough to understand and give me one.
Back to healing. Thank God for my mom.
It's funny. I'm almost 39 (well, I will be in a few weeks), and nothing feels nicer than having my mom put a big blanket over me and make me a cup of tea. She came and checked on me last night when I was sleeping to see if I was able to sleep. It was so adorable...she opened the door and whispered my name and when I didn't answer, she got another blanket, put it on top of me and quietly left. There is no better feeling in the world than that.
It made me wonder...with my hectic life, am I half the mother my mom is? Will the things I do for my children come anywhere close to what mom does for me? Sadly, half the time when my kids are sick, I send them to my mother so I can go to work. So while I know they are getting the best care possible, will their memories of comfort be of my mother, or will they be of me?
While it's awesome that my mom comforts them (nobody can give better care than her)- what is my "comfort" contribution to my children? Have I spent too much time focusing on the functional aspects of motherhood (like putting food on the table, cooking meals, doing homework), and too little on the comfort?
I do know that when my daughter is down, she says nothing makes her feel better than when I rock her back and forth in my arms and tell her that everything will be OK. So it's not like I do nothing...but do I do enough?
That's a question that I will only have the answer to when they are old enough to understand and give me one.
Back to healing. Thank God for my mom.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
And it Spreads
I went to the doctor today. He says the pneumonia has spread to my other lung, and that it's pretty serious. I have to be off work again next week. That's going to be my third week off work, which is hard for me to believe. Even when I was hospitalized for a week back in 2004, just four months before I left my husband, I went back to work 3 days after coming out of the hospital. I'm not trying to be a martyr. I've learned that it doesn't get me anywhere to hold work above all else, but I do have to say that 6 months into a new job, it feels really crappy to take 3 weeks off for an illness. I work for a totally awesome woman who told me that she had pneumonia once and that she came back to work earlier than she should have and was back at home two weeks after returning to the office, and the second time she was off for a month. She is super understanding and supportive, which just makes me feel even worse.
As for my ex, he is the same opportunist, taking the opportunity to stress me out further with his cruel emails at a time when he knows I'm sick. It never ends with him. Some people were just made with evil souls. I have realized that I am officially exhausted from being "the good guy" and now I'm really close to giving up. Giving up meaning hitting him back 10 times harder. The problem is that I still need some time to get my health back on track.
I had some email correspondence with my high school girlfriend and she feels that the stress is taking a toll on me which is why I keep getting sick. I think she may be right. That and the fact that I'm not as young as I used to be, so maybe it's all catching up on me.
Anyhow, I can expect to be home for all of next week, nursing myself back to health with a new set of antibiotics, more cough syrup and my puffer. Not looking forward to another week of this, but that's how it goes. The doctor says if I leave the house and try to push it, I will end up in the hospital. I've been in a hospital once in 2004, and I'm not prepared to go back to one again.
So I wait, bored out of my mind, watching movies and doing nothing else.
I'd rather be at work...
As for my ex, he is the same opportunist, taking the opportunity to stress me out further with his cruel emails at a time when he knows I'm sick. It never ends with him. Some people were just made with evil souls. I have realized that I am officially exhausted from being "the good guy" and now I'm really close to giving up. Giving up meaning hitting him back 10 times harder. The problem is that I still need some time to get my health back on track.
I had some email correspondence with my high school girlfriend and she feels that the stress is taking a toll on me which is why I keep getting sick. I think she may be right. That and the fact that I'm not as young as I used to be, so maybe it's all catching up on me.
Anyhow, I can expect to be home for all of next week, nursing myself back to health with a new set of antibiotics, more cough syrup and my puffer. Not looking forward to another week of this, but that's how it goes. The doctor says if I leave the house and try to push it, I will end up in the hospital. I've been in a hospital once in 2004, and I'm not prepared to go back to one again.
So I wait, bored out of my mind, watching movies and doing nothing else.
I'd rather be at work...
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Pneumonia
I don't think I can remember ever being this sick....it's the most horrible feeling in the world. I've been out of the office for a whole week and the doc says I will be out the next week as well. It's brutal.
It's also brutal that I have an idiot opportunist for an ex to takes every spare second to try to make me look bad. Like sending you an email when he finds out you have pneumonia, just to tell you that he thinks he should keep the kids because aren't well physically or mentally. Mentally? Now that is the pot calling the kettle black. I wanted to send another blasting email, but I decided against it. I'd rather just sleep and recover. But seriously, God should do an inventory on the amount of assholes he puts on the earth. There are just too many, and sometimes it feels like they outnumber the good people.
Anyhow, on the plus side, I have my sweetheart of a mother, an angel of a friend who has been taking care of me. I really have nothing to complain about. Maybe God feels like he's balancing all the good around me who help me with one monstrous evil person. Personally, I'd rather do without both and just have a content life, but that could be the fever talking. Right now, it just makes me feel like life is one perpetual raw deal. Sad but true.
I know, I'm spewing negativity and I should stop. There are moments in life where you feel so down you just don't know how to handle things. If I had just one wish, I know what it would be...
I don't get it. The dude just came back from Morocco with his wife. Like, last week. I dunno, but the last time I checked, happy people just don't go around picking fights with ex wives. Maybe he is incapable of happiness. And kindness. And human dignity.
I was originally so happy when I heard she was here. You know, one more person to take care of the kids, better food for the kids when they are there, company for my daughter, and the slim shred of hope that the asshole will finally find happiness and leave me the hell alone. But I guess I was way off on that. Assholes never go away. They just become bigger assholes.
So anyways, I know this is my most rambling blog entry ever. My fever is at 102.5 so I'm bordering on a touch of deliriousness. It's kinda fun to type when you are delirious. It's actually your raw thoughts typing out...but I guess everyone can see that.
Maybe I should blog when I'm less delirious...
It's also brutal that I have an idiot opportunist for an ex to takes every spare second to try to make me look bad. Like sending you an email when he finds out you have pneumonia, just to tell you that he thinks he should keep the kids because aren't well physically or mentally. Mentally? Now that is the pot calling the kettle black. I wanted to send another blasting email, but I decided against it. I'd rather just sleep and recover. But seriously, God should do an inventory on the amount of assholes he puts on the earth. There are just too many, and sometimes it feels like they outnumber the good people.
Anyhow, on the plus side, I have my sweetheart of a mother, an angel of a friend who has been taking care of me. I really have nothing to complain about. Maybe God feels like he's balancing all the good around me who help me with one monstrous evil person. Personally, I'd rather do without both and just have a content life, but that could be the fever talking. Right now, it just makes me feel like life is one perpetual raw deal. Sad but true.
I know, I'm spewing negativity and I should stop. There are moments in life where you feel so down you just don't know how to handle things. If I had just one wish, I know what it would be...
I don't get it. The dude just came back from Morocco with his wife. Like, last week. I dunno, but the last time I checked, happy people just don't go around picking fights with ex wives. Maybe he is incapable of happiness. And kindness. And human dignity.
I was originally so happy when I heard she was here. You know, one more person to take care of the kids, better food for the kids when they are there, company for my daughter, and the slim shred of hope that the asshole will finally find happiness and leave me the hell alone. But I guess I was way off on that. Assholes never go away. They just become bigger assholes.
So anyways, I know this is my most rambling blog entry ever. My fever is at 102.5 so I'm bordering on a touch of deliriousness. It's kinda fun to type when you are delirious. It's actually your raw thoughts typing out...but I guess everyone can see that.
Maybe I should blog when I'm less delirious...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Meeting up with an old Friend
I had lunch with a friend from high school a few weeks back. She was actually my best friend in high school, and we lost touch after I was married. Actually, I lost touch with a lot of people after I married Mr. Psycho. We reconnected through Facebook and met up after almost 20 years. It was awesome to see her.
Since then we have kept in touch via email, almost every day. One of the most amazing things for me was the realization that some friendships you can pick up right where you left off and feel the same connection, the same friendship, trust and love that you did before. It's absolutely amazing. What a gift.
Since then we have kept in touch via email, almost every day. One of the most amazing things for me was the realization that some friendships you can pick up right where you left off and feel the same connection, the same friendship, trust and love that you did before. It's absolutely amazing. What a gift.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
2010 in Review
I have to say that last year was not a bad one at all. It was probably the first really good year I had since the divorce. My year in review- I counted the good and the bad:
The good:
The good:
- I was actually content, for the most part. Yes, there were stressful patches, but overall, I learned to accept my life for what it is
- I changed jobs and found one where so far, I feel more appreciated, I work 9-5 so I have better work life balance, and I got a chance to switch it up a bit
- My friends :) I love you guys
- As the debts get lower, financial peace of mind is on the horizon :)
- I cleaned out my whole house over the holidays to give myself mental freedom. I got rid of 45 garbage bags full of stuff and cannot even begin to tell you how good it feels
- I spent 2 entire weeks over the holidays doing nothing, and I kept the blackberry off. That is the first time in my life that I turned a blackberry off for any length of time.
The bad:
- My ex is at it again (he is such a mental case, and a jerk....I just need to accept that he will never change)- I will write about his psycho episodes another time.
- I have a few things to figure out in my personal life- but I will get there.
- Towards the end of the year, my health has been taking a bit of a mysterious turn. Doctors are working with me to figure it out. I'm told it's nothing major. I think it's the years of stress taking a toll on my body.
How was your 2010?
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