Some Peace

I had the most amazing day with regards to my son. I'm talking the two most favourite times that I spend with him. One is first thing in the morning, when he first wakes up, and the other time is at night when he is falling asleep. These are our most intimate moments, where we usually get time to chat. Chat about the day, chat about life, chat about anything.

This morning, I went to his room to check on him. He was lying in bed, and he was awake. Before I start, I must say that the fact that he is actually sleeping in his own bed is an enormous deal. He has not been able to sleep in his own room for about a year and a half. He's been saying that he's too scared, and so he's been sleeping with his sister in his room. He always wakes up halfway through the night and comes running into my bed for comfort. I never did fully understand what had him so scared, and whenever I asked he just said monsters and stuff.

Anyhow, the good news is, about 4 days ago, he announced that he wanted to sleep in his own room again. Just like that. So, I got him a nightlight, tucked him in, kissed him goodnight, and he slept through the night in his bed, all by himself. To celebrate, we went to Wal-mart and bought him a Batman alarm clock with a nightlight. He was thrilled. It's now been 4 nights that he has slept on his own, and tonight will be night #5.

So back to this morning, when I went to his room, I was lying next to him, hugging him, and just chatting. I eventually asked him why he was sleeping in his room. He said he wasn't afraid anymore. I told him that I was glad to hear it. He told me he felt happier. I asked what was making him feel happy. He said that nobody was hurting him anymore. I asked who was hurting him. He said his father. I paused and said that mommies are here to take care of their babies. He told me I was the best mommy in the world. (And that melted my heart!).

Next, he went on to tell me that he still loves his dad, and he asked if that's OK. I told him of course. He asked if I would be mad if he told me he misses his dad. I told him of course not, that he's allowed to miss his dad. He asked if he will ever see him again. I told him yes, but that we just need to make sure that his dad is "well" first. Then my son told me that he wants to see him, but that he wants to see him less than before. I nodded and told him that I understood.

This is never an easy process. It's emotionally draining. I am, however, very encouraged by the fact that my son is now able to sleep on his own, and that he is comfortable talking about things. That was very good to see.

This evening, when I was tucking him in, I kissed him, stroked his hair, and told him that I loved him, and that I was always going to be here for him. He smiled and told me that the best thing in the world for him has been a kiss from his mother, that when I give him his good night kiss, it makes him feel safe and happy, and that he feels happy these days.

I almost cried.

Some days, parenting is the most draining job in the world. Other days, you can look back on all your effort and feel confident that you made a difference in someone's life, and that maybe, just maybe, one day, all your effort will have an impact, even if it's a little one, even if it's buffering the impact of something else. (Like a crazy father).

This was one of those days. Even then, it's a small pause. This will get ugly before it gets better, but at least I have this little bit of reassurance that my actions and precautions have had a bit of a positive impact.