Love/Hate Relationship

"Mommy....I'm up to 52!"
"Pardon?"
"52! Aunty told me tonight when I sleep to count how many people love me. I'm up to 52!"
"Well, aren't you a lucky boy!"

I am so blessed. To have a child who is so incredible that he smiles and tries to find happiness through thick and thin.

I am so totally worried about the kids. I have them sleeping in my bed because I'm afraid to leave them alone. Afraid of another breakdown. I just feel safer if they are next to me.

My daughter has become really whiny over the past few days. I feel like she has so much on her mind, and I want to get her some help, and my hands are tied. Sigh. This is so draining. And, not to complain, but whiny children are, well, even more draining. Don't get me wrong, I feel horribly bad for her, and I really want to help her, it's just that when everything is requested through whining or tears, it gets a bit tiresome.

My son, who had the bigger breakdown, is doing relatively well. I can see that he's uncertain and a little hesitant to talk in general, but I'm trying my best to keep him upbeat.

When we were driving home from the doctor's office on Monday night, my son realized that he had been revealing too much about his dad. He said to me that he loves his dad, and that he feels like he shouldn't say negative things about him,because he's not a bad man. He said he was feeling sad, because he still loves his dad, and that if he loves him, he must be a good man, not a bad man. I responded by asking my son if he ever hits his sister. He said yes. And I said is it bad to hit? And he said yes. And I said, "So, you do bad things, but I still love you. You see, sometimes we love people, but since nobody's perfect, sometimes the ones we love do bad things. But it's our job to tell them when they are doing bad behaviour so they can learn to stop". That seemed to make him feel better.

I just don't want him feeling bad about himself, or to have him feel like things have to be black and white. From a child's perspective, the problem is, if things stay black and white, all he will know is that he loves his dad. So if his dad does hurtful things, it must be OK, since he definitely loves him, and he wouldn't love a bad person. I need to show him that it's possible to love people who do bad things, and it doesn't mean there is something wrong with my son for still loving his dad. How many of us have perfect parents? None. I'm not justifying my ex's actions, but life isn't this black and white. I don't think my son will ever stop loving his father. I just want him to know that it's OK to recognize when something is wrong, even with those you love. Tough lesson. I was married to him for 11 years, and I never learned it.

Mind you, all the while, my inner ultra protective maternal voice was thinking to tell him "You shouldn't love him. He's a jerk, and you'll learn that one day, so cut your losses now, and you'll be way ahead. Protect your heart. Learn to hate him so he can't hurt you anymore".

Fortunately, for once, the inner voice managed to stay inside. Let's not screw the kid up all at once. He has years ahead to learn what a jerk his dad really is. Sadly, nothing I can say or do will buffer that for him. He's going to have to learn that all on his own. I just hope that one day when the realization does happen, he has the strength to know that he wants to be better than his dad, and that he doesn't have to feel guilted or hurt by him, nor is he a bad person or have poor judgement for loving his dad despite his flaws. He just has to learn that he cannot tolerate physical or verbal abuse from anyone, ever. Regardless of who it is, or how much he loves them.

Sigh. This is so messed up.

On another note, I wish Syd were here. This is where he would give me a hug, tell me I'm the best mom in the world, remind me of how much I've been through, of how strong I've been (yeah, despite all the breakdowns), of how I've held up, and then jokingly tell me that anytime I need a drink, he'd be happy to initiate me into the world of alcohol. We would laugh, I'd feel better, go on my way, and he would call me at night to make sure I'm ok.

The other day, I went to the mall to pick up my prescription (sleeping pills), and I saw lindor dark chocolate Easter eggs. He used to buy them every Easter for me. He was such a nut, he would hide the eggs in the craziest places in the desk I would work at every time I was in that office, starting about one month before Easter. What a nut. What a friend. What a loss.
I've been thinking about him alot lately. Man I miss him.

Come to think of it, this might be a good time to go and pay my respects at the cemetery. Closure on one front while I deal with another. Hmmmm....