Have you ever noticed that creativity is just part of some people's being? I have a friend who I visited a few weekends back. I've always known her to be a creative genius, but I just always thought that creativity was a personality thing. That a creative person would sit down and say, paint a picture and let their creativity out. But visiting her, and looking around her apartment, I realized that it was all around her, in the little things she does, in the way she organizes things, and in her overall perspective.
I actually realized it the most while our daughters were playing. I watched them as they played dress up. When my daughter plays dress up at home, she goes into the dress up kit that I bought her. So this is a dress up box with skirts, shoes, the faux fur neck piece, the white gloves, etc. At my girlfriend's house, the dress up kit had some of that, but it also had pieces of fabric, boxes of old jewellery, beads, etc. The bead collection was made of tons of different beads. The girls wanted to make a necklace. They didn't have string. My friend said that she had saved a piece of gold string from such and such thing that she was throwing out. She pulled it out of her closet and the girls squealed with delight. I laughed. You see, I would have thrown out the string. Actually, I would have thrown out half that stuff. I would have seen it as junk and clutter. She, being the creative genius, saw everything as an opportunity. She could see what a child could see. I felt a bit sad, because I couldn't see it. Not until the children used everything.
I would have thrown out the shiny cloth that they wore as a wrap around skirt, and all those beads that were asymmetrical, but what made a gorgeous necklace (according to the girls), and I would have tossed the golden string too. It was all junk to me. And those old perfume bottles that her daughter uses to adorn her dresser and use to play dress up, well, those would have been garbage to me. But see, my daughter came home talking about how her friend had the BEST room and the BEST toys. And sadly, all I was thinking was that I could have had all of that for her, if only I could have seen the potential in all those things.
My friend is a teacher. I'm sure she saves Popsicle sticks as they are a possible future Popsicle stick house. She saves beads as they are potential play necklaces. I see all these things as junk and throw it all away. I always thought I was an organized person, that I kept things to a minimal to be neat and tidy, (well, except my car, but let's not go there). But now, I think maybe organized is a little too boring. I mean, I'm probably teaching my kids to be in the box thinkers before they even reach middle school. At my house, I teach the children about keeping orderly, tidy, and about "rules" of our home. I thought I was teaching them to be disciplined, but maybe I'm not doing them any favours. Actually, to be fair, I am doing them a favour, but maybe I need to ease up just a bit. I mean, we do play and have fun, but not CREATIVE fun. We don't paint or make beads or play dress up. We play board games and barbies etc.
No, I'm not criticizing my parenting skills, just noticing the difference in perception, and possible benefits and disadvantages of each. Benefits of being me- a clutter free home. Disadvantages- a boring, non creative home. Hmmm....maybe I need to learn to move just a bit over, so I can allow for those dress up parties. My home will be clutter free when they move out and get their own places :)
Who am I kidding, I'd go batty with all that stuff. Then again, maybe I could just buy organization bins and "shoe tupperware" to keep those things organized. Then I could have the best of both worlds...the anal, organized side, and the open-to-creativity side. Hmmmmm.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
A Really Special Moment
My son can be a real darling. I was tucking him in today and as I walked out of the room, he said:
"Mommy, do you remember that night when we went to the restaurant after the autoshow, and I had that really bad time?"
"Yes baby, I remember". (More like- are you KIDDING me? It's all I can ever think about!)
"I was just remembering what I said. And I wanted to tell you that I will never say that nobody loves me ever again. Because I know that nobody has a mom like you and nobody's mom can love like you do, so I know I'm really really loved no matter what happens".
I had to hold back the tears. I ran to him, hugged him, and kissed him, and thanked him for talking to me. And then I told him that I would love him forever, no matter what happens in this world. He will always be my baby, and there is nothing that he can ever say or do that could be so bad that I will stop loving him.
And then he told me that he already knew that.
And then, at that moment, I found an instant feeling of peace. It was as if God himself was giving me the reassurance that I was on the right track. I just hope that I can make the right decisions for my children.
In the meantime, there is nothing that can compare to the reassurance that my son just gave me tonight. The warmth that I felt from that moment alone is the kind of thing that makes being a mother totally worth all the hard work, worrying, stress, and responsibility.
Sometimes, I realize just how lucky I really am.
"Mommy, do you remember that night when we went to the restaurant after the autoshow, and I had that really bad time?"
"Yes baby, I remember". (More like- are you KIDDING me? It's all I can ever think about!)
"I was just remembering what I said. And I wanted to tell you that I will never say that nobody loves me ever again. Because I know that nobody has a mom like you and nobody's mom can love like you do, so I know I'm really really loved no matter what happens".
I had to hold back the tears. I ran to him, hugged him, and kissed him, and thanked him for talking to me. And then I told him that I would love him forever, no matter what happens in this world. He will always be my baby, and there is nothing that he can ever say or do that could be so bad that I will stop loving him.
And then he told me that he already knew that.
And then, at that moment, I found an instant feeling of peace. It was as if God himself was giving me the reassurance that I was on the right track. I just hope that I can make the right decisions for my children.
In the meantime, there is nothing that can compare to the reassurance that my son just gave me tonight. The warmth that I felt from that moment alone is the kind of thing that makes being a mother totally worth all the hard work, worrying, stress, and responsibility.
Sometimes, I realize just how lucky I really am.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
The Wedding
Well, my children went to the wedding yesterday. I have some friends that are therapists and they gave me some tips on what to do. I did the following:
At 11:30 I got my children from my brother in law. The children had fun, nobody bothered them, and I felt like I had done my best as a mother. After packing the kids in the car, I turned to my brother in law and thanked him. I acknowledged the awkwardness about the situation, and he agreed. Then he hugged me and told me I would always be his little sister. I thanked him and told him I was relieved, because he was always a great brother.
I can't blog everything, but over the years, my brother in law has been there for me in many different ways. He's always helped me deal with my ex in laws, my ex, and all the drama. He's one of those fair people, and he has never been biased towards his brother. Then again, in the 11 years that we were married, they never got along, not even for a day. Perhaps that's why I've been able to trust them all along.
So one of my friends said that I should call CAS on Monday and file another report about my mother in law. I actually was going to do it, but then I spoke to my sister in law this morning. She said that the mother in law was freaking out when she found out that my son had told me. The problem is, my former father in law has a bad temper, and was abusive towards her many years ago, and still from time to time. Many of us told her to leave him, but as the typical "dutiful" Pakistani woman, she wouldn't hear of it, and she still won't. My issue is that my sister in law is afraid that if I make the call, the father in law might freak on the mother in law, and we don't know where that will leave things. With his violent history, she might be subject to more abuse.
I hate this. As someone who has been through an abusive marriage, I cannot contribute to another woman going through it. As a mother, I cannot tolerate my children suffering emotional abuse. I'm wondering if the warning was enough. I mean, as it is, the children were only seeing her about 5 times a year. I could always call the brother in law again and tell him to tell her that if I ever hear about this again, I will make the call, regardless of consequences. This is her warning. I can offer mercy once in this case, but not more than that.
I'm not sure. This is all so messed up. Pakistani families are a friggin circus.
The main point is that my kids are safe...
- Told my former brother in law to supervise the visit VERY strictly, but to pre-empt things by pulling his mom aside and asking her to stay away from my children for the evening, to avoid further stress and possible issues for herself should I decide to escalate the matter
- My brother in law was going to the wedding late anyhow, so the children were dropped at his house by 8:40pm and they were going to reach the reception at 9pm (don't laugh guys, it's a Pak wedding, they always start and end late....my office friend can vouch for that...she came to my sisters wedding on time and was the first one there) :)
- I told my brother in law not to tell anyone that the children would leave early, but that I would meet him at a coffee shop about 5 minutes away around 2 and a half hours later. The children would spend a short time at the wedding
At 11:30 I got my children from my brother in law. The children had fun, nobody bothered them, and I felt like I had done my best as a mother. After packing the kids in the car, I turned to my brother in law and thanked him. I acknowledged the awkwardness about the situation, and he agreed. Then he hugged me and told me I would always be his little sister. I thanked him and told him I was relieved, because he was always a great brother.
I can't blog everything, but over the years, my brother in law has been there for me in many different ways. He's always helped me deal with my ex in laws, my ex, and all the drama. He's one of those fair people, and he has never been biased towards his brother. Then again, in the 11 years that we were married, they never got along, not even for a day. Perhaps that's why I've been able to trust them all along.
So one of my friends said that I should call CAS on Monday and file another report about my mother in law. I actually was going to do it, but then I spoke to my sister in law this morning. She said that the mother in law was freaking out when she found out that my son had told me. The problem is, my former father in law has a bad temper, and was abusive towards her many years ago, and still from time to time. Many of us told her to leave him, but as the typical "dutiful" Pakistani woman, she wouldn't hear of it, and she still won't. My issue is that my sister in law is afraid that if I make the call, the father in law might freak on the mother in law, and we don't know where that will leave things. With his violent history, she might be subject to more abuse.
I hate this. As someone who has been through an abusive marriage, I cannot contribute to another woman going through it. As a mother, I cannot tolerate my children suffering emotional abuse. I'm wondering if the warning was enough. I mean, as it is, the children were only seeing her about 5 times a year. I could always call the brother in law again and tell him to tell her that if I ever hear about this again, I will make the call, regardless of consequences. This is her warning. I can offer mercy once in this case, but not more than that.
I'm not sure. This is all so messed up. Pakistani families are a friggin circus.
The main point is that my kids are safe...
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Unbelievable
I am in shock. I mean, maybe I shouldn't be. I feel like a total idiot. I'm enraged. I cannot stand him, his family, his friends. Just when I think I've done enough, I realize I cannot imagine what to expect from people in this world.
My children went to the henna party. I sent them with a friend who was kind enough to take care of them. They were really happy to be going, and I dressed them up in their indian garb, all fancy shmancy and nice. They came back happy, and seemed to have had a good time. I had called my girlfriend twice to check on the children, and she said they were doing fine, that my ex wasn't getting much of a chance to interact with them, that they were more playing with their cousins than anything else.
Before I sent my children, I sat them down and had a chit chat. I told them that my friend would be taking them so that if they need anyone to talk to, they would have it. My son said that it's been awhile since he's seen his dad, and that he missed him, but that when he sees him, he's also bad, and that makes him sad. I told him that my girlfriend was there to take care of him. He asked what will happen if his dad gets mad if he told the truth (but then qualified his question with the fact that he still wanted to attend the wedding festivities). My reply was that he should say that he has always been taught that one must never lie to their mother, or keep things from their mother, because a mother's job in this world is to protect her children. He seemed ok with that. He asked if his dad would ever get another chance to be good. I told him that yes, he would, but that people who cannot control their temper have a serious problem and that they need help with this problem, and that we need to work together to take the time so that he can get help, and that his job in this was to tell me whenever his dad gets angry so we can help him not be an angry person anymore. He asked how angry people can get help. I told him there are doctors that can help them, but that it takes time. This seemed to make him comfortable.
So, and here is the kicker.....when they came back from the party, I asked them how it went. They said that they had a fun time playing with their cousins, that they got to see their dad, and that he "wasn't mean or angry tonight". I said I was glad. Then I asked my son if anything scary happened, and if everything else went well. He said that for the most part it did, but that at one point, he was sitting with his grandmother (my ex's mother), and she told him that in the future, he shouldn't tell people bad things about his dad because if he does, then he will never be allowed to see his father again. I was shocked. I had sent my friend to watch the children when they were near their father. I don't think either of us had prepared for this. Now what? I am infuriated. I should have thought about this, that the MOTHER would create this kind of a problem. I didn't prepare for this.
So I asked my son how he felt. He matter of factly told me that "I just told her that I couldn't keep things from my mom, because if I don't tell my mom when people do bad things to me, she won't be able to protect me". I asked what she said in response, and he said "Nothing. She didn't say anything to me about it again after that".
I didn't want to push the issue with him any further, as I know he's under enough pressure to manage both sides of the family and their expectations. But still, I was totally seething. My friend who witnessed the conversation was in shock.
So now my issue is what to do for the wedding for tonight. If I don't send them, they will be enraged and paint me as the jealous ex wife who was looking for a reason to ruin the wedding. If I send them, I'm potentially subjecting them to more emotional baggage to deal with.
My ex's family is so messed up. There is a reason why he turned out the way he did. His family is a bunch of crazies. Thank God my son was prepared with a defense.
My children went to the henna party. I sent them with a friend who was kind enough to take care of them. They were really happy to be going, and I dressed them up in their indian garb, all fancy shmancy and nice. They came back happy, and seemed to have had a good time. I had called my girlfriend twice to check on the children, and she said they were doing fine, that my ex wasn't getting much of a chance to interact with them, that they were more playing with their cousins than anything else.
Before I sent my children, I sat them down and had a chit chat. I told them that my friend would be taking them so that if they need anyone to talk to, they would have it. My son said that it's been awhile since he's seen his dad, and that he missed him, but that when he sees him, he's also bad, and that makes him sad. I told him that my girlfriend was there to take care of him. He asked what will happen if his dad gets mad if he told the truth (but then qualified his question with the fact that he still wanted to attend the wedding festivities). My reply was that he should say that he has always been taught that one must never lie to their mother, or keep things from their mother, because a mother's job in this world is to protect her children. He seemed ok with that. He asked if his dad would ever get another chance to be good. I told him that yes, he would, but that people who cannot control their temper have a serious problem and that they need help with this problem, and that we need to work together to take the time so that he can get help, and that his job in this was to tell me whenever his dad gets angry so we can help him not be an angry person anymore. He asked how angry people can get help. I told him there are doctors that can help them, but that it takes time. This seemed to make him comfortable.
So, and here is the kicker.....when they came back from the party, I asked them how it went. They said that they had a fun time playing with their cousins, that they got to see their dad, and that he "wasn't mean or angry tonight". I said I was glad. Then I asked my son if anything scary happened, and if everything else went well. He said that for the most part it did, but that at one point, he was sitting with his grandmother (my ex's mother), and she told him that in the future, he shouldn't tell people bad things about his dad because if he does, then he will never be allowed to see his father again. I was shocked. I had sent my friend to watch the children when they were near their father. I don't think either of us had prepared for this. Now what? I am infuriated. I should have thought about this, that the MOTHER would create this kind of a problem. I didn't prepare for this.
So I asked my son how he felt. He matter of factly told me that "I just told her that I couldn't keep things from my mom, because if I don't tell my mom when people do bad things to me, she won't be able to protect me". I asked what she said in response, and he said "Nothing. She didn't say anything to me about it again after that".
I didn't want to push the issue with him any further, as I know he's under enough pressure to manage both sides of the family and their expectations. But still, I was totally seething. My friend who witnessed the conversation was in shock.
So now my issue is what to do for the wedding for tonight. If I don't send them, they will be enraged and paint me as the jealous ex wife who was looking for a reason to ruin the wedding. If I send them, I'm potentially subjecting them to more emotional baggage to deal with.
My ex's family is so messed up. There is a reason why he turned out the way he did. His family is a bunch of crazies. Thank God my son was prepared with a defense.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Henna Party Decision
My ex's henna party is tonight. It has been so much drama it's giving me an ulcer. I'm so sick and tired of dealing with him, his family, his wife. I often think that there is no justice in the world. And yes, I'm getting bitter, but I'll blog about my bitterness tomorrow.
As for tonight, where things stand right now is that I'm torn. On the one hand, the children want to go to their father's reception tomorrow night (Saturday) as well as the Mehndi (henna party) tonight, Friday. On the other hand, I'm not sure that they should be allowed to go. Their father is an abuser, abused their mother, abused them. Then again, if their speaking up and telling the truth means they "lose out" on the things that they want, I'm sure my ex and his family will teach them that speaking the truth doesn't always set you free, that it does have consequences. And then where will I be? And then there is the fact that my ex's new wife has been relentlessly begging me to let the children attend the wedding. I want the children to be happy, I want to have an amicable working arrangement with the new wife (since clearly there won't be one with my ex), and I don't want to make the punishment too large for the crime. IE- it is a big wedding, so it's not like he can physically hurt the children. It's the emotional harm that I'm worried about.
Where I'm thinking of going with this, and who knows if I'm right, is that I may send them for about 2 hours, with a friend as a chaperone. I have one girlfriend who's willing to do it for me (thank God for her!). This will keep the children protected, and let them attend. I think it's probably the best compromise that I can think of. My main concern is their safety and I think it will be protected if I send them with a chaperone to keep an eye on things.
Sigh. What drama. When does it end? I swear I'm getting so fed up of this. Every way I turn, the crazy people seem to find me, and they are always willing to add to my aggrevation.
As for tonight, where things stand right now is that I'm torn. On the one hand, the children want to go to their father's reception tomorrow night (Saturday) as well as the Mehndi (henna party) tonight, Friday. On the other hand, I'm not sure that they should be allowed to go. Their father is an abuser, abused their mother, abused them. Then again, if their speaking up and telling the truth means they "lose out" on the things that they want, I'm sure my ex and his family will teach them that speaking the truth doesn't always set you free, that it does have consequences. And then where will I be? And then there is the fact that my ex's new wife has been relentlessly begging me to let the children attend the wedding. I want the children to be happy, I want to have an amicable working arrangement with the new wife (since clearly there won't be one with my ex), and I don't want to make the punishment too large for the crime. IE- it is a big wedding, so it's not like he can physically hurt the children. It's the emotional harm that I'm worried about.
Where I'm thinking of going with this, and who knows if I'm right, is that I may send them for about 2 hours, with a friend as a chaperone. I have one girlfriend who's willing to do it for me (thank God for her!). This will keep the children protected, and let them attend. I think it's probably the best compromise that I can think of. My main concern is their safety and I think it will be protected if I send them with a chaperone to keep an eye on things.
Sigh. What drama. When does it end? I swear I'm getting so fed up of this. Every way I turn, the crazy people seem to find me, and they are always willing to add to my aggrevation.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Some Peace
I had the most amazing day with regards to my son. I'm talking the two most favourite times that I spend with him. One is first thing in the morning, when he first wakes up, and the other time is at night when he is falling asleep. These are our most intimate moments, where we usually get time to chat. Chat about the day, chat about life, chat about anything.
This morning, I went to his room to check on him. He was lying in bed, and he was awake. Before I start, I must say that the fact that he is actually sleeping in his own bed is an enormous deal. He has not been able to sleep in his own room for about a year and a half. He's been saying that he's too scared, and so he's been sleeping with his sister in his room. He always wakes up halfway through the night and comes running into my bed for comfort. I never did fully understand what had him so scared, and whenever I asked he just said monsters and stuff.
Anyhow, the good news is, about 4 days ago, he announced that he wanted to sleep in his own room again. Just like that. So, I got him a nightlight, tucked him in, kissed him goodnight, and he slept through the night in his bed, all by himself. To celebrate, we went to Wal-mart and bought him a Batman alarm clock with a nightlight. He was thrilled. It's now been 4 nights that he has slept on his own, and tonight will be night #5.
So back to this morning, when I went to his room, I was lying next to him, hugging him, and just chatting. I eventually asked him why he was sleeping in his room. He said he wasn't afraid anymore. I told him that I was glad to hear it. He told me he felt happier. I asked what was making him feel happy. He said that nobody was hurting him anymore. I asked who was hurting him. He said his father. I paused and said that mommies are here to take care of their babies. He told me I was the best mommy in the world. (And that melted my heart!).
Next, he went on to tell me that he still loves his dad, and he asked if that's OK. I told him of course. He asked if I would be mad if he told me he misses his dad. I told him of course not, that he's allowed to miss his dad. He asked if he will ever see him again. I told him yes, but that we just need to make sure that his dad is "well" first. Then my son told me that he wants to see him, but that he wants to see him less than before. I nodded and told him that I understood.
This is never an easy process. It's emotionally draining. I am, however, very encouraged by the fact that my son is now able to sleep on his own, and that he is comfortable talking about things. That was very good to see.
This evening, when I was tucking him in, I kissed him, stroked his hair, and told him that I loved him, and that I was always going to be here for him. He smiled and told me that the best thing in the world for him has been a kiss from his mother, that when I give him his good night kiss, it makes him feel safe and happy, and that he feels happy these days.
I almost cried.
Some days, parenting is the most draining job in the world. Other days, you can look back on all your effort and feel confident that you made a difference in someone's life, and that maybe, just maybe, one day, all your effort will have an impact, even if it's a little one, even if it's buffering the impact of something else. (Like a crazy father).
This was one of those days. Even then, it's a small pause. This will get ugly before it gets better, but at least I have this little bit of reassurance that my actions and precautions have had a bit of a positive impact.
This morning, I went to his room to check on him. He was lying in bed, and he was awake. Before I start, I must say that the fact that he is actually sleeping in his own bed is an enormous deal. He has not been able to sleep in his own room for about a year and a half. He's been saying that he's too scared, and so he's been sleeping with his sister in his room. He always wakes up halfway through the night and comes running into my bed for comfort. I never did fully understand what had him so scared, and whenever I asked he just said monsters and stuff.
Anyhow, the good news is, about 4 days ago, he announced that he wanted to sleep in his own room again. Just like that. So, I got him a nightlight, tucked him in, kissed him goodnight, and he slept through the night in his bed, all by himself. To celebrate, we went to Wal-mart and bought him a Batman alarm clock with a nightlight. He was thrilled. It's now been 4 nights that he has slept on his own, and tonight will be night #5.
So back to this morning, when I went to his room, I was lying next to him, hugging him, and just chatting. I eventually asked him why he was sleeping in his room. He said he wasn't afraid anymore. I told him that I was glad to hear it. He told me he felt happier. I asked what was making him feel happy. He said that nobody was hurting him anymore. I asked who was hurting him. He said his father. I paused and said that mommies are here to take care of their babies. He told me I was the best mommy in the world. (And that melted my heart!).
Next, he went on to tell me that he still loves his dad, and he asked if that's OK. I told him of course. He asked if I would be mad if he told me he misses his dad. I told him of course not, that he's allowed to miss his dad. He asked if he will ever see him again. I told him yes, but that we just need to make sure that his dad is "well" first. Then my son told me that he wants to see him, but that he wants to see him less than before. I nodded and told him that I understood.
This is never an easy process. It's emotionally draining. I am, however, very encouraged by the fact that my son is now able to sleep on his own, and that he is comfortable talking about things. That was very good to see.
This evening, when I was tucking him in, I kissed him, stroked his hair, and told him that I loved him, and that I was always going to be here for him. He smiled and told me that the best thing in the world for him has been a kiss from his mother, that when I give him his good night kiss, it makes him feel safe and happy, and that he feels happy these days.
I almost cried.
Some days, parenting is the most draining job in the world. Other days, you can look back on all your effort and feel confident that you made a difference in someone's life, and that maybe, just maybe, one day, all your effort will have an impact, even if it's a little one, even if it's buffering the impact of something else. (Like a crazy father).
This was one of those days. Even then, it's a small pause. This will get ugly before it gets better, but at least I have this little bit of reassurance that my actions and precautions have had a bit of a positive impact.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Mothers have the Weirdest Connection with their kids
My mom and dad came back from their vacation today. I took the children for a visit, and of course to see them myself. While my dad was taking a nap, and the kids were playing, my mom came and sat next to me. She asked how I was doing. I told her I was doing well. Those of you who know me know that I'm hardly a poker face. She smiled and asked me if I was going to tell her the truth, or if she was going to have to drag it out of me. I smiled and said I was fine. Then she went on to tell me that she knew I wasn't fine, because she had a dream during her vacation.
90% of you are going to think this is nuts, so just stop reading here. For the other 10% of you, my mom has a weird history of very accurate dreams. She saw my grandmother (her mom) in a coffin the day BEFORE she died. She woke up insanely upset (naturally), and immediately tried calling Pakistan to see if she was OK. She's dreamt about various different things - my pregnancy before I even told her, and that it was a boy (it was, but we didn't know that before he was born). Anyhow, I don't usually believe in this stuff, but for whatever reason, I DO believe in her dreams.
Anyhow, I asked her to humor me. What was your dream, why was it so upsetting, and when did you have it? For the when did you have it- it was the night of my son's breakdown. I later found out that she called my brother the next day from Malaysia to find out if I was OK, and he lied and said that I was totally fine and that she should enjoy her vacation and stop dreaming nonsense. He swears that he never told her the truth, yet she knew something was wrong.
Her dream was freaky. She saw me sitting on the floor crying, and my son sitting next to me distressed. She said that I was crying and distressed to the point of not listening to anyone, and that I was fully focused on my son who was also upset. That was THE NIGHT of his breakdown. She said she couldn't shake the dream. Then I told her what had happened that night. We were both silent. Spooky.
I haven't blogged about what happened the night of the breakdown, but basically, we were out, he broke down emotionally, started crying, started running into oncoming traffic, all the while talking about how much he wanted to die, that nobody understood how hard things were for him, that he felt like nobody cared. When I got him home, he sat in the corner in a fetal position, just crying and not letting me near him. He didn't want to talk. I sat about two feet away, on the floor, cross legged, crying and begging him to come to my lap and let me just hold him. That he could trust me. That I loved him. That everything would be OK. That went on until midnight. My mom saw almost the exact same thing in her dream. And nobody had told her.
I'm not saying she's psychic or anything dumb like that...just that- I dunno- she has weird dreams about the people she's deeply connected with. I'm still spooked out by it.
On another note, I did end up meeting with my ex's wife yesterday. That was...interesting I suppose. She didn't seem to know as much detail about his temperamental past (surprise surprise), and she seemed to be trying to find a middle ground for us, like a mediator. I had to tell her that we are well past the mediation phase, unfortunately. But thanks for trying.
On any account, I suppose it helps to get to know her a bit. She will, after all, be spending a lot of time with my children...possibly, depending on how the April 26 court date goes.
And another thing- she wanted to know if my kids could attend the wedding. My first knee jerk reaction was to say no. But then again, they've been wanting to go, and they've been asking about it too. I came to a compromise. My former brother in law (the one I get along with) can take them for 4 hours, provided that he doesn't let me ex be alone with them at all. Not for a conversation, not anything. He would have to be present where ever the kids go that evening. I trust him a lot, and for many reasons. She had asked for the entire weekend, and I basically emailed her today saying no to that. At the end of the day, I don't trust my ex, and I don't want him to have too much access to them at the moment. He's done enough damage already. Four hours at his own wedding should keep them pretty protected I think, because really- he won't be able to have "quality time" while he's at his reception. He'll be too busy taking pictures. My children, who have been wanting to go will get to go, and I get to ensure they are protected. Sounds like a reasonable plan I think. My lawyer agrees, but says not to do more than this.
I will, however, be on pins and needles that night. This is pushing my comfort zone.
90% of you are going to think this is nuts, so just stop reading here. For the other 10% of you, my mom has a weird history of very accurate dreams. She saw my grandmother (her mom) in a coffin the day BEFORE she died. She woke up insanely upset (naturally), and immediately tried calling Pakistan to see if she was OK. She's dreamt about various different things - my pregnancy before I even told her, and that it was a boy (it was, but we didn't know that before he was born). Anyhow, I don't usually believe in this stuff, but for whatever reason, I DO believe in her dreams.
Anyhow, I asked her to humor me. What was your dream, why was it so upsetting, and when did you have it? For the when did you have it- it was the night of my son's breakdown. I later found out that she called my brother the next day from Malaysia to find out if I was OK, and he lied and said that I was totally fine and that she should enjoy her vacation and stop dreaming nonsense. He swears that he never told her the truth, yet she knew something was wrong.
Her dream was freaky. She saw me sitting on the floor crying, and my son sitting next to me distressed. She said that I was crying and distressed to the point of not listening to anyone, and that I was fully focused on my son who was also upset. That was THE NIGHT of his breakdown. She said she couldn't shake the dream. Then I told her what had happened that night. We were both silent. Spooky.
I haven't blogged about what happened the night of the breakdown, but basically, we were out, he broke down emotionally, started crying, started running into oncoming traffic, all the while talking about how much he wanted to die, that nobody understood how hard things were for him, that he felt like nobody cared. When I got him home, he sat in the corner in a fetal position, just crying and not letting me near him. He didn't want to talk. I sat about two feet away, on the floor, cross legged, crying and begging him to come to my lap and let me just hold him. That he could trust me. That I loved him. That everything would be OK. That went on until midnight. My mom saw almost the exact same thing in her dream. And nobody had told her.
I'm not saying she's psychic or anything dumb like that...just that- I dunno- she has weird dreams about the people she's deeply connected with. I'm still spooked out by it.
On another note, I did end up meeting with my ex's wife yesterday. That was...interesting I suppose. She didn't seem to know as much detail about his temperamental past (surprise surprise), and she seemed to be trying to find a middle ground for us, like a mediator. I had to tell her that we are well past the mediation phase, unfortunately. But thanks for trying.
On any account, I suppose it helps to get to know her a bit. She will, after all, be spending a lot of time with my children...possibly, depending on how the April 26 court date goes.
And another thing- she wanted to know if my kids could attend the wedding. My first knee jerk reaction was to say no. But then again, they've been wanting to go, and they've been asking about it too. I came to a compromise. My former brother in law (the one I get along with) can take them for 4 hours, provided that he doesn't let me ex be alone with them at all. Not for a conversation, not anything. He would have to be present where ever the kids go that evening. I trust him a lot, and for many reasons. She had asked for the entire weekend, and I basically emailed her today saying no to that. At the end of the day, I don't trust my ex, and I don't want him to have too much access to them at the moment. He's done enough damage already. Four hours at his own wedding should keep them pretty protected I think, because really- he won't be able to have "quality time" while he's at his reception. He'll be too busy taking pictures. My children, who have been wanting to go will get to go, and I get to ensure they are protected. Sounds like a reasonable plan I think. My lawyer agrees, but says not to do more than this.
I will, however, be on pins and needles that night. This is pushing my comfort zone.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Ensuring you get your half during a Divorce
Well, I guess this is one way to do it. :)
On another note, it will take me a couple of days to get back into blogging. In light of the fact that my ex somehow knew that I had filed court documents, and somehow made it over to the courthouse to get served the documents before I was ready to serve him (yes, he went in person, himself), well....I guess I need a bit of time.
Some of you noticed I edited some of my past posts. I guess I'm going to have to learn what to blog and what to keep to myself. ;)
On another note, it will take me a couple of days to get back into blogging. In light of the fact that my ex somehow knew that I had filed court documents, and somehow made it over to the courthouse to get served the documents before I was ready to serve him (yes, he went in person, himself), well....I guess I need a bit of time.
Some of you noticed I edited some of my past posts. I guess I'm going to have to learn what to blog and what to keep to myself. ;)
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Lawyer Visit #2
I met with my lawyer again yesterday. She's convinced that I can keep the kids in the name of my children's safety until the next court date. If he really wants to see them, make him get an emergency motion to prove why he should have them under his care. Otherwise, tough luck. She says our court order is vague enough that he can't have me arrested or charged for breaking a legally binding agreement. I think his lawyer must have told me the same thing. Apparently, he took his lawyer off retainer. The other thing is that yesterday (Tuesday) was his regular telephone call with the kids and he didn't even try calling. That means he knew I wouldn't let him talk, and he has probably been told not to push me on this. Interesting.
I got an update from the CAS worker yesterday. She called to tell me that she was still working on the case, and that she met my ex, and that he came across as very pleasant, as did his wife. I'm thinking 'yeah, well did you expect him to mouth off to the frickin CAS?!', but whatever.
Thankfully, my doctor warned her that this would happen. He told her that my ex comes across very well, but make no mistake, he needs the meds. Bless him.
So, the CAS worker has asked my ex if she can speak to his psychiatrist. He said he would think about it, but has also requested a conversation with her supervisor. I guess he doesn't like the approach she's taking. Good for her for going the extra mile. She says when she's done, she will draft up a summary letter. I'm guessing it won't have much, since she's not officially stopping his access or anything. On another note, she did tell me to make sure I subpoena her files if I go to court. That tells me there's something juicy in the file. Well, why the heck isn't it in the letter then? Sheesh. It just makes my job a heck of a lot harder. She also said that his wife seemed pleasant and would I be open to having her supervise my ex's visits with the kids. Well, how can I get someone that I don't know to supervise? And what reassurance do I have that she won't just say she's supervising but then not actually do it?
When I met with my lawyer she said we should start filing our court documents for full custody. This is going to cost over $10k-$30k. Crap.
I got an update from the CAS worker yesterday. She called to tell me that she was still working on the case, and that she met my ex, and that he came across as very pleasant, as did his wife. I'm thinking 'yeah, well did you expect him to mouth off to the frickin CAS?!', but whatever.
Thankfully, my doctor warned her that this would happen. He told her that my ex comes across very well, but make no mistake, he needs the meds. Bless him.
So, the CAS worker has asked my ex if she can speak to his psychiatrist. He said he would think about it, but has also requested a conversation with her supervisor. I guess he doesn't like the approach she's taking. Good for her for going the extra mile. She says when she's done, she will draft up a summary letter. I'm guessing it won't have much, since she's not officially stopping his access or anything. On another note, she did tell me to make sure I subpoena her files if I go to court. That tells me there's something juicy in the file. Well, why the heck isn't it in the letter then? Sheesh. It just makes my job a heck of a lot harder. She also said that his wife seemed pleasant and would I be open to having her supervise my ex's visits with the kids. Well, how can I get someone that I don't know to supervise? And what reassurance do I have that she won't just say she's supervising but then not actually do it?
When I met with my lawyer she said we should start filing our court documents for full custody. This is going to cost over $10k-$30k. Crap.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Consenting to Therapy
Well here is a surprise. A one lined email...
After careful consideration I have decided to consent to the children’s therapy. I insist on being actively involved throughout the process. What are the next steps?
Um, more like, you were coerced by the CAS into consenting and you finally came to realize that if you don't consent, I would have a very strong case against you.
Jerk. He also sent me another email that says that his lawyer is no longer on retainer. Interesting. You let go of your lawyer as I am signing a retainer with mine. Hmmm.
I still haven't replied to his wife's email. I mean, what is there to say to her? Yes, let's meet for a tea party? I don't think so. Don't get me wrong. I'm very curious...what what would I be accomplishing?
On another note, I am getting sick. I feel like my throat and ears are on fire and I have the start of a low grade fever. This is what happens when you drive yourself to the ground. As soon as you get a chance to breathe, your body shuts down.
I have nobody to blame but myself. I have to learn to take better care of myself, especially during difficult periods.
After careful consideration I have decided to consent to the children’s therapy. I insist on being actively involved throughout the process. What are the next steps?
Um, more like, you were coerced by the CAS into consenting and you finally came to realize that if you don't consent, I would have a very strong case against you.
Jerk. He also sent me another email that says that his lawyer is no longer on retainer. Interesting. You let go of your lawyer as I am signing a retainer with mine. Hmmm.
I still haven't replied to his wife's email. I mean, what is there to say to her? Yes, let's meet for a tea party? I don't think so. Don't get me wrong. I'm very curious...what what would I be accomplishing?
On another note, I am getting sick. I feel like my throat and ears are on fire and I have the start of a low grade fever. This is what happens when you drive yourself to the ground. As soon as you get a chance to breathe, your body shuts down.
I have nobody to blame but myself. I have to learn to take better care of myself, especially during difficult periods.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
A Sunday at Home
I'm home with the children, trying to get them back into a routine...getting them ready for school etc. I want them to be totally settled. I'm hoping for a normal week next week. I really can't afford to miss any more work.
My daughter has some interesting things to say today. Maybe it's because she's been calm this weekend, had a good weekend, and that she's had 2 straight weeks with me, with no access to her dad by phone or visit for over 10 days. Here is what she's been talking about:
- Do you think dad has cameras installed in our house? How does he ever know what we tell you?
- Did you know that dad says your his enemy? He hates you. He even tells us so.
- Will your alarm tell us if daddy is nearby? Can you teach it to beep when he is near so we can leave out the back door? He's mean, so then he will think we are not home.
- Can we try to never go back to dad's again?
That, and the fact that you never know when they've overheard your conversations.
Anyhow, in light of the fact that I've been swamped this weekend running around, we haven't had a chance for the kids to do their weekend homework. We're having a massive catchup day, and I have to admit, the kids are hating the marathon homework. I felt really sorry for them, so I let them take a break and run around in the snow in the backyard. I dressed them up nice and warm and let them run outside while I prepared hot chocolate and a nice healthy snack. I peeked outside and couldn't resist snapping a pic of their smiling faces. It made me remember the time a friend at the office once told me that if there was snow outside when he was little, you couldn't keep him in the house.
I'm glad they're having fun. Anything to put a smile on their faces. There is nothing like the sound of a child's laughter. Especially to a single mom.
Home Again
I just couldn't stay out. I hated living out of a backpack, and I missed my environment. I was feeling safe enough to come home. I got home around midnight. I'll be going to sleep soon. Just wanted to be back in my surroundings. My guess is that since my ex didn't even try to contact me, and since I got that email from his wife, it pretty much tells me that he won't try to contact me directly. It also tells me he must be pretty desperate.
Think of it this way. If you were a bipolar man, with a history of domestic abuse, job losses, marital issues, and now, a child abuse investigation, would you let your new wife get in touch with your ex wife, in a one on one scenario? No way. You would NEVER want the two to even get a minute alone. For you to let your new wife contact your ex wife when you know she must be seething with anger towards you given child abuse allegations, you would have to be either a nutcase to even consider letting the two chat, or very very desperate.
I'm not denying that he is a nutcase, but right now, I'm thinking it must be desperation. I'm hoping the CAS had some very strong words for him on Friday.
I think I can sleep well for now. I have my cell on my night table in case of emergency, and I will not hesitate to contact the police if need be.
Think of it this way. If you were a bipolar man, with a history of domestic abuse, job losses, marital issues, and now, a child abuse investigation, would you let your new wife get in touch with your ex wife, in a one on one scenario? No way. You would NEVER want the two to even get a minute alone. For you to let your new wife contact your ex wife when you know she must be seething with anger towards you given child abuse allegations, you would have to be either a nutcase to even consider letting the two chat, or very very desperate.
I'm not denying that he is a nutcase, but right now, I'm thinking it must be desperation. I'm hoping the CAS had some very strong words for him on Friday.
I think I can sleep well for now. I have my cell on my night table in case of emergency, and I will not hesitate to contact the police if need be.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Safe and Sound...So Far
I'm doing fine so far. I went to my doctor's office yesterday before going anywhere else. I was hoping that perhaps my son would open up again, but he's onto the story now. I think he knows that his dad is going to be in some trouble for the things he has opened up about. When it was time for him to speak to the doctor, he admitted being scared, but when he tried to approach the topic of physical abuse again, my son basically denied everything he said the first time. He's obviously scared, and a bit guilty for what has already been said. At the end of the day, he loves his dad, and wouldn't want to damage that relationship, or get his father in any trouble.
My visit with the doctor was overall disappointing. He did the best he could, but my son's failure to open up, and the fact that he was starting to backpedal was not a good sign. My doctor basically told me that unfortunately, while I might get away with restricting access this weekend, I won't be able to keep it up for any length of time, since I do not have the full support of the CAS. Let's hope my ex messed up the CAS visit. It is unlikely though, especially given the fact that he is the master of first impressions. We are, after all, talking about a guy who has a history of job losses and not holding down employment. His longest record is 10 months on a job, his shortest is 2. Getting back to the point about first impressions, he can dazzle people at the interview and land amazing jobs, but sooner or later, his real personality kicks in and it all falls apart. With respect to the CAS, I wouldn't be surprised if he were able to dazzle them. Unfortunately, as time passes, he will do something to the kids again, and I'll have to pick up the pieces all over again. Let's hope the case worker is successful in convincing him to agree to therapy, or that she somehow managed to say something so inflammatory that he lost his cool.
After I left the doctor's office, I called my ex's lawyer to make sure that he received my email. He confirmed that he did, and that he forwarded it to my ex husband. I asked if he could call him and ensure that he did receive it "for the sake of my personal safety" and he confirmed that he would. I went on to say, that given the circumstances, I trust he will do what he can to ensure that this doesn't turn into a problem for me, as I'm acting in the children's best interests, and he said "Right, I understand. I'll take care of it". That made me feel much more comfortable. I didn't seem to get any resistance from the lawyer, which to me meant that he agreed with my decision (or at least wouldn't be disputing it), and that he would do what he could to make sure that I am physically safe. My email was also pretty firm (see below):
Mr xxxx:
Our court order of December 13, 2004 clearly states that the children primarily reside with their mother, and that their father "shall have the children in his care, at times agreed upon by the parties from time to time and is in the best interests of the children".
I have come to understand that there is currently a Children's Aid Society investigation underway with respect to yyyy's interaction with the children. Given this information, I do not feel that it would be safe for the children to see their father this weekend,and I am exercising my right to act in the best interests of my children.
Accordingly, I am not agreeable to yyyy having access to the children this weekend, until these issues have been resolved, and the CAS investigation is complete. I believe that I am acting in the best interests of my children by restricting yyyyy's access until the CAS investigation is complete and the file has been closed.
Please also advise yyyyy that he is not to harass me, or to show up at my property. If he wishes to resolve this issue, he can do so through yourself, or via email, but he may not come to my home. Any attempt to do so will be considered trespassing, and I will contact the authorities.
Please advise your client accordingly.
After that, I went to drop by a friend's place (unexpected, and with no notice- God bless her for not even blinking and taking me in!), and visited my sister for a couple of hours. I stayed over here at my friend's place (the same one I unexpectedly dropped in on), and I'll be staying with another friend tonight. My friends are better than gold. I spoke to one of my friends yesterday, and thanked her for taking me in (I'll be there tonight) and she reassured me that this is when friends are the most important and that she's happy to do it, because she loves me and the children. Like I said, my friends rock.
Interestingly enough, I haven't heard boo from my ex. No emails, no text messages, no voice mails. I guess his lawyer gave him a stern warning. The funny thing with my ex though is that silence from him is never a good thing. You always have to wonder what's lurking when he's angry. I mean, he was infuriated when I refused his telephone call, so I can't imagine that he's OK with my restricting his access. Either way, time will tell, I suppose. My girlfriend and I spoke about his silence and we agree that it means one of three things:
I guess the one unsafe time for me will be Sunday night. I think I'll go home, get my stuff on Sunday, and then stay at my parents' home (they are out of town, but my brother and sis in law also live there), so I'll be somewhat protected there. My brother has reassured me that if my ex shows up, he will contact the police. He's a very soft spoken, non confrontational person, so I was concerned that he wouldn't be able to do it (hey, look who his sister is. If I was never able to, I can't exactly slight him for it, now can I)? Anyhow, a quick call from my sister might have been what convinced him. Either way, I do think I'm safe until Monday, and I think the security measures that I have in place at the school should keep me protected as far as the children are concerned.
I checked my email throughout the night, and I still haven't received anything from him. Interestingly enough, I received one from his new wife. It took me a second to figure out who it was, and it basically said that she wanted to know if I could meet her for lunch this upcoming week. Hmmmmm.
As an aside, last night was actually fun. It was probably the first mentally relaxing time I've had in a long time. This particular girlfriend and I have been trying to get together forever just to chat. We never get the time. Last night, we had our pajama party and sat up talking till 4am. It doesn't help the ongoing sleep deprivation problem, but it was really good for me mentally, because we talked about everything BUT my ex. I've been awake since 7am (thanks kids!), so I will be a zombie today. But imagine that, I actually enjoyed last night. I fully expected to spend it in fear, but there was no fear. I felt safe, protected, and actually enjoyed myself. Little blessings during the storm.
One more thing. I got an email from a very good friend yesterday. Apparently, my ex called her home on Thursday night, asking if she knew where I was. I guess the two missed telephone calls tipped him off to the fact that something was wrong, even before the CAS called him. Interesting. That would explain the many hang ups on my office answering machine. My fault, but in the scurry of the week, I wasn't exactly diligent in updating my office voice mail. If he called there to check up on me, he could have figured out that I wasn't in this week. Mental note for next time, even when you are in a tough situation, keep the voice mail up to date for your own protection.
I have a few other protection mechanisms in place this weekend, thanks to the help of many friends around town. I think I'll be fine this weekend. Thank God for my friends. Friends are the family you choose.
My visit with the doctor was overall disappointing. He did the best he could, but my son's failure to open up, and the fact that he was starting to backpedal was not a good sign. My doctor basically told me that unfortunately, while I might get away with restricting access this weekend, I won't be able to keep it up for any length of time, since I do not have the full support of the CAS. Let's hope my ex messed up the CAS visit. It is unlikely though, especially given the fact that he is the master of first impressions. We are, after all, talking about a guy who has a history of job losses and not holding down employment. His longest record is 10 months on a job, his shortest is 2. Getting back to the point about first impressions, he can dazzle people at the interview and land amazing jobs, but sooner or later, his real personality kicks in and it all falls apart. With respect to the CAS, I wouldn't be surprised if he were able to dazzle them. Unfortunately, as time passes, he will do something to the kids again, and I'll have to pick up the pieces all over again. Let's hope the case worker is successful in convincing him to agree to therapy, or that she somehow managed to say something so inflammatory that he lost his cool.
After I left the doctor's office, I called my ex's lawyer to make sure that he received my email. He confirmed that he did, and that he forwarded it to my ex husband. I asked if he could call him and ensure that he did receive it "for the sake of my personal safety" and he confirmed that he would. I went on to say, that given the circumstances, I trust he will do what he can to ensure that this doesn't turn into a problem for me, as I'm acting in the children's best interests, and he said "Right, I understand. I'll take care of it". That made me feel much more comfortable. I didn't seem to get any resistance from the lawyer, which to me meant that he agreed with my decision (or at least wouldn't be disputing it), and that he would do what he could to make sure that I am physically safe. My email was also pretty firm (see below):
Mr xxxx:
Our court order of December 13, 2004 clearly states that the children primarily reside with their mother, and that their father "shall have the children in his care, at times agreed upon by the parties from time to time and is in the best interests of the children".
I have come to understand that there is currently a Children's Aid Society investigation underway with respect to yyyy's interaction with the children. Given this information, I do not feel that it would be safe for the children to see their father this weekend,and I am exercising my right to act in the best interests of my children.
Accordingly, I am not agreeable to yyyy having access to the children this weekend, until these issues have been resolved, and the CAS investigation is complete. I believe that I am acting in the best interests of my children by restricting yyyyy's access until the CAS investigation is complete and the file has been closed.
Please also advise yyyyy that he is not to harass me, or to show up at my property. If he wishes to resolve this issue, he can do so through yourself, or via email, but he may not come to my home. Any attempt to do so will be considered trespassing, and I will contact the authorities.
Please advise your client accordingly.
After that, I went to drop by a friend's place (unexpected, and with no notice- God bless her for not even blinking and taking me in!), and visited my sister for a couple of hours. I stayed over here at my friend's place (the same one I unexpectedly dropped in on), and I'll be staying with another friend tonight. My friends are better than gold. I spoke to one of my friends yesterday, and thanked her for taking me in (I'll be there tonight) and she reassured me that this is when friends are the most important and that she's happy to do it, because she loves me and the children. Like I said, my friends rock.
Interestingly enough, I haven't heard boo from my ex. No emails, no text messages, no voice mails. I guess his lawyer gave him a stern warning. The funny thing with my ex though is that silence from him is never a good thing. You always have to wonder what's lurking when he's angry. I mean, he was infuriated when I refused his telephone call, so I can't imagine that he's OK with my restricting his access. Either way, time will tell, I suppose. My girlfriend and I spoke about his silence and we agree that it means one of three things:
- His lawyer has given him a stern warning to behave himself this weekend
- The CAS had a few words for him and freaked the heck out of him
- He is seething and plotting against me
I guess the one unsafe time for me will be Sunday night. I think I'll go home, get my stuff on Sunday, and then stay at my parents' home (they are out of town, but my brother and sis in law also live there), so I'll be somewhat protected there. My brother has reassured me that if my ex shows up, he will contact the police. He's a very soft spoken, non confrontational person, so I was concerned that he wouldn't be able to do it (hey, look who his sister is. If I was never able to, I can't exactly slight him for it, now can I)? Anyhow, a quick call from my sister might have been what convinced him. Either way, I do think I'm safe until Monday, and I think the security measures that I have in place at the school should keep me protected as far as the children are concerned.
I checked my email throughout the night, and I still haven't received anything from him. Interestingly enough, I received one from his new wife. It took me a second to figure out who it was, and it basically said that she wanted to know if I could meet her for lunch this upcoming week. Hmmmmm.
As an aside, last night was actually fun. It was probably the first mentally relaxing time I've had in a long time. This particular girlfriend and I have been trying to get together forever just to chat. We never get the time. Last night, we had our pajama party and sat up talking till 4am. It doesn't help the ongoing sleep deprivation problem, but it was really good for me mentally, because we talked about everything BUT my ex. I've been awake since 7am (thanks kids!), so I will be a zombie today. But imagine that, I actually enjoyed last night. I fully expected to spend it in fear, but there was no fear. I felt safe, protected, and actually enjoyed myself. Little blessings during the storm.
One more thing. I got an email from a very good friend yesterday. Apparently, my ex called her home on Thursday night, asking if she knew where I was. I guess the two missed telephone calls tipped him off to the fact that something was wrong, even before the CAS called him. Interesting. That would explain the many hang ups on my office answering machine. My fault, but in the scurry of the week, I wasn't exactly diligent in updating my office voice mail. If he called there to check up on me, he could have figured out that I wasn't in this week. Mental note for next time, even when you are in a tough situation, keep the voice mail up to date for your own protection.
I have a few other protection mechanisms in place this weekend, thanks to the help of many friends around town. I think I'll be fine this weekend. Thank God for my friends. Friends are the family you choose.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Dead End Streets, Nowhere to Turn
Well, I tried many avenues for protection today. I called the CAS again to see if they can at least officially stop my ex's access until therapy starts, and they said they will have a supervisor call me, but that it's doubtful.
Next, I called the Peel Regional Police and stated my case, my fears, my request for safety, asking if they can somehow protect me if he comes to my door. They said that they cannot give him any warnings etc, because there is no documented history of violence (I never called the police, he's never been charged), so they don't know if there is much they can do proactively. If he comes to my door and threatens me, I can call the police and then they will come out.
Nice try, but that will be too late.
So, they can't warn him, they can't pro-actively keep it on file, they can't flag my house, because I've never called the police. I've never called the police because I was too scared. Now I'm more scared. This man will be livid. I know that personal security and freedoms are important. After all, I could be making all this up, and getting some innocent man in trouble. But I'm NOT making it up. I'm going to be up the creek without a paddle.
So, I can pack up and leave, but will anyone come after me for taking off? If I stay home, the police won't protect me.
Next I called Peel Victims Services. They had the same questions- did I ever file a police report, is there a history of violence- I said yes, in doctor's files when I showed my bruises to the doctor, but since those aren't publicly accessible, well, they don't count except in court. Her advice, get a lawyer and go to court. Thanks honey- but what happens in the meantime? I can't exactly send my kids to him.
This is why women get killed. Nobody can help the ones who have been too scared to ever call the police. It's my own fault, but today I'm trying to help myself, and I can't seem to find an official avenue to do so.
OK- As I'm doing this blog entry, I just got another call from the CAS. My ex husband has been notified that they are now involved and he will be meeting with them at 1pm. She says he's very angry and asked who called them. She told them a credible person from the community. Maybe this gives me a clearer avenue with respect to the lawyer. I can email his lawyer in about an hour and tell him that I understand there is a CAS investigation, and that under the circumstances I don't feel comfortable giving him access to the children. It sounds a heck of a lot better than the original "you didn't allow therapy, you don't see the kids" email. After all, it shows better judgement, right?
Next steps for me, I've drafted the email, I'm going to get the kids dressed and out of the house by about 2pm. I have an appt with our MD for 3pm, hoping that my son will confide a bit more in him.
Keep your fingers crossed guys. Best case scenario, this will fizzle out. Worst case scenario, I might be calling around for a place to stay....
Next, I called the Peel Regional Police and stated my case, my fears, my request for safety, asking if they can somehow protect me if he comes to my door. They said that they cannot give him any warnings etc, because there is no documented history of violence (I never called the police, he's never been charged), so they don't know if there is much they can do proactively. If he comes to my door and threatens me, I can call the police and then they will come out.
Nice try, but that will be too late.
So, they can't warn him, they can't pro-actively keep it on file, they can't flag my house, because I've never called the police. I've never called the police because I was too scared. Now I'm more scared. This man will be livid. I know that personal security and freedoms are important. After all, I could be making all this up, and getting some innocent man in trouble. But I'm NOT making it up. I'm going to be up the creek without a paddle.
So, I can pack up and leave, but will anyone come after me for taking off? If I stay home, the police won't protect me.
Next I called Peel Victims Services. They had the same questions- did I ever file a police report, is there a history of violence- I said yes, in doctor's files when I showed my bruises to the doctor, but since those aren't publicly accessible, well, they don't count except in court. Her advice, get a lawyer and go to court. Thanks honey- but what happens in the meantime? I can't exactly send my kids to him.
This is why women get killed. Nobody can help the ones who have been too scared to ever call the police. It's my own fault, but today I'm trying to help myself, and I can't seem to find an official avenue to do so.
OK- As I'm doing this blog entry, I just got another call from the CAS. My ex husband has been notified that they are now involved and he will be meeting with them at 1pm. She says he's very angry and asked who called them. She told them a credible person from the community. Maybe this gives me a clearer avenue with respect to the lawyer. I can email his lawyer in about an hour and tell him that I understand there is a CAS investigation, and that under the circumstances I don't feel comfortable giving him access to the children. It sounds a heck of a lot better than the original "you didn't allow therapy, you don't see the kids" email. After all, it shows better judgement, right?
Next steps for me, I've drafted the email, I'm going to get the kids dressed and out of the house by about 2pm. I have an appt with our MD for 3pm, hoping that my son will confide a bit more in him.
Keep your fingers crossed guys. Best case scenario, this will fizzle out. Worst case scenario, I might be calling around for a place to stay....
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Can I get Charged?
Interesting question. A girlfriend just asked me if I can get charged for not giving my ex husband access to the children. Since the CAS aren't stopping access, and since the courts didn't grant me the emergency motion, should the status quo stick IE- his visitation? I'm not sure.
My lawyer says that it is a very grey area. I don't know. I mean, can he turn and argue that if the CAS didn't feel there was any risk, then who am I to make unilateral decisions?
I mean, I'm just the mother, right?
It's so weird...I'm here about to make a decision that could create major problems for me later. But I DO feel I'm acting in the best interests of the children, and I am acting under the advice of my lawyer.
Should I get a second opinion?
My ex is entitled to 2 telephone calls a week. One is on Tuesday, one is on Thursday. I didn't pick up the phone either night. Tonight he is furious. I got 2 enraged text messages, one email, and two angry voicemails in the span of 45 minutes. Not to mention the multiple phone calls, none of which I picked up.
If failing to allow phone access twice in a row makes him this pissed, I wonder what denying the weekend access will do?
I'm feeling stressed. And scared. And well, stressed.
Would I lose my job if I got charged? Wow, that would be bad....acting in the best interests of the children would also mean making sure I can support them financially. Living in the street would NOT be the best interests of the children....
I'm freaking myself out....
My lawyer says that it is a very grey area. I don't know. I mean, can he turn and argue that if the CAS didn't feel there was any risk, then who am I to make unilateral decisions?
I mean, I'm just the mother, right?
It's so weird...I'm here about to make a decision that could create major problems for me later. But I DO feel I'm acting in the best interests of the children, and I am acting under the advice of my lawyer.
Should I get a second opinion?
My ex is entitled to 2 telephone calls a week. One is on Tuesday, one is on Thursday. I didn't pick up the phone either night. Tonight he is furious. I got 2 enraged text messages, one email, and two angry voicemails in the span of 45 minutes. Not to mention the multiple phone calls, none of which I picked up.
If failing to allow phone access twice in a row makes him this pissed, I wonder what denying the weekend access will do?
I'm feeling stressed. And scared. And well, stressed.
Would I lose my job if I got charged? Wow, that would be bad....acting in the best interests of the children would also mean making sure I can support them financially. Living in the street would NOT be the best interests of the children....
I'm freaking myself out....
Love/Hate Relationship
"Mommy....I'm up to 52!"
"Pardon?"
"52! Aunty told me tonight when I sleep to count how many people love me. I'm up to 52!"
"Well, aren't you a lucky boy!"
I am so blessed. To have a child who is so incredible that he smiles and tries to find happiness through thick and thin.
I am so totally worried about the kids. I have them sleeping in my bed because I'm afraid to leave them alone. Afraid of another breakdown. I just feel safer if they are next to me.
My daughter has become really whiny over the past few days. I feel like she has so much on her mind, and I want to get her some help, and my hands are tied. Sigh. This is so draining. And, not to complain, but whiny children are, well, even more draining. Don't get me wrong, I feel horribly bad for her, and I really want to help her, it's just that when everything is requested through whining or tears, it gets a bit tiresome.
My son, who had the bigger breakdown, is doing relatively well. I can see that he's uncertain and a little hesitant to talk in general, but I'm trying my best to keep him upbeat.
When we were driving home from the doctor's office on Monday night, my son realized that he had been revealing too much about his dad. He said to me that he loves his dad, and that he feels like he shouldn't say negative things about him,because he's not a bad man. He said he was feeling sad, because he still loves his dad, and that if he loves him, he must be a good man, not a bad man. I responded by asking my son if he ever hits his sister. He said yes. And I said is it bad to hit? And he said yes. And I said, "So, you do bad things, but I still love you. You see, sometimes we love people, but since nobody's perfect, sometimes the ones we love do bad things. But it's our job to tell them when they are doing bad behaviour so they can learn to stop". That seemed to make him feel better.
I just don't want him feeling bad about himself, or to have him feel like things have to be black and white. From a child's perspective, the problem is, if things stay black and white, all he will know is that he loves his dad. So if his dad does hurtful things, it must be OK, since he definitely loves him, and he wouldn't love a bad person. I need to show him that it's possible to love people who do bad things, and it doesn't mean there is something wrong with my son for still loving his dad. How many of us have perfect parents? None. I'm not justifying my ex's actions, but life isn't this black and white. I don't think my son will ever stop loving his father. I just want him to know that it's OK to recognize when something is wrong, even with those you love. Tough lesson. I was married to him for 11 years, and I never learned it.
Mind you, all the while, my inner ultra protective maternal voice was thinking to tell him "You shouldn't love him. He's a jerk, and you'll learn that one day, so cut your losses now, and you'll be way ahead. Protect your heart. Learn to hate him so he can't hurt you anymore".
Fortunately, for once, the inner voice managed to stay inside. Let's not screw the kid up all at once. He has years ahead to learn what a jerk his dad really is. Sadly, nothing I can say or do will buffer that for him. He's going to have to learn that all on his own. I just hope that one day when the realization does happen, he has the strength to know that he wants to be better than his dad, and that he doesn't have to feel guilted or hurt by him, nor is he a bad person or have poor judgement for loving his dad despite his flaws. He just has to learn that he cannot tolerate physical or verbal abuse from anyone, ever. Regardless of who it is, or how much he loves them.
Sigh. This is so messed up.
On another note, I wish Syd were here. This is where he would give me a hug, tell me I'm the best mom in the world, remind me of how much I've been through, of how strong I've been (yeah, despite all the breakdowns), of how I've held up, and then jokingly tell me that anytime I need a drink, he'd be happy to initiate me into the world of alcohol. We would laugh, I'd feel better, go on my way, and he would call me at night to make sure I'm ok.
The other day, I went to the mall to pick up my prescription (sleeping pills), and I saw lindor dark chocolate Easter eggs. He used to buy them every Easter for me. He was such a nut, he would hide the eggs in the craziest places in the desk I would work at every time I was in that office, starting about one month before Easter. What a nut. What a friend. What a loss.
I've been thinking about him alot lately. Man I miss him.
Come to think of it, this might be a good time to go and pay my respects at the cemetery. Closure on one front while I deal with another. Hmmmm....
"Pardon?"
"52! Aunty told me tonight when I sleep to count how many people love me. I'm up to 52!"
"Well, aren't you a lucky boy!"
I am so blessed. To have a child who is so incredible that he smiles and tries to find happiness through thick and thin.
I am so totally worried about the kids. I have them sleeping in my bed because I'm afraid to leave them alone. Afraid of another breakdown. I just feel safer if they are next to me.
My daughter has become really whiny over the past few days. I feel like she has so much on her mind, and I want to get her some help, and my hands are tied. Sigh. This is so draining. And, not to complain, but whiny children are, well, even more draining. Don't get me wrong, I feel horribly bad for her, and I really want to help her, it's just that when everything is requested through whining or tears, it gets a bit tiresome.
My son, who had the bigger breakdown, is doing relatively well. I can see that he's uncertain and a little hesitant to talk in general, but I'm trying my best to keep him upbeat.
When we were driving home from the doctor's office on Monday night, my son realized that he had been revealing too much about his dad. He said to me that he loves his dad, and that he feels like he shouldn't say negative things about him,because he's not a bad man. He said he was feeling sad, because he still loves his dad, and that if he loves him, he must be a good man, not a bad man. I responded by asking my son if he ever hits his sister. He said yes. And I said is it bad to hit? And he said yes. And I said, "So, you do bad things, but I still love you. You see, sometimes we love people, but since nobody's perfect, sometimes the ones we love do bad things. But it's our job to tell them when they are doing bad behaviour so they can learn to stop". That seemed to make him feel better.
I just don't want him feeling bad about himself, or to have him feel like things have to be black and white. From a child's perspective, the problem is, if things stay black and white, all he will know is that he loves his dad. So if his dad does hurtful things, it must be OK, since he definitely loves him, and he wouldn't love a bad person. I need to show him that it's possible to love people who do bad things, and it doesn't mean there is something wrong with my son for still loving his dad. How many of us have perfect parents? None. I'm not justifying my ex's actions, but life isn't this black and white. I don't think my son will ever stop loving his father. I just want him to know that it's OK to recognize when something is wrong, even with those you love. Tough lesson. I was married to him for 11 years, and I never learned it.
Mind you, all the while, my inner ultra protective maternal voice was thinking to tell him "You shouldn't love him. He's a jerk, and you'll learn that one day, so cut your losses now, and you'll be way ahead. Protect your heart. Learn to hate him so he can't hurt you anymore".
Fortunately, for once, the inner voice managed to stay inside. Let's not screw the kid up all at once. He has years ahead to learn what a jerk his dad really is. Sadly, nothing I can say or do will buffer that for him. He's going to have to learn that all on his own. I just hope that one day when the realization does happen, he has the strength to know that he wants to be better than his dad, and that he doesn't have to feel guilted or hurt by him, nor is he a bad person or have poor judgement for loving his dad despite his flaws. He just has to learn that he cannot tolerate physical or verbal abuse from anyone, ever. Regardless of who it is, or how much he loves them.
Sigh. This is so messed up.
On another note, I wish Syd were here. This is where he would give me a hug, tell me I'm the best mom in the world, remind me of how much I've been through, of how strong I've been (yeah, despite all the breakdowns), of how I've held up, and then jokingly tell me that anytime I need a drink, he'd be happy to initiate me into the world of alcohol. We would laugh, I'd feel better, go on my way, and he would call me at night to make sure I'm ok.
The other day, I went to the mall to pick up my prescription (sleeping pills), and I saw lindor dark chocolate Easter eggs. He used to buy them every Easter for me. He was such a nut, he would hide the eggs in the craziest places in the desk I would work at every time I was in that office, starting about one month before Easter. What a nut. What a friend. What a loss.
I've been thinking about him alot lately. Man I miss him.
Come to think of it, this might be a good time to go and pay my respects at the cemetery. Closure on one front while I deal with another. Hmmmm....
Meeting with the Lawyer
Well, I met with my new lawyer today. It has been a very draining week. I can't believe I missed an ENTIRE week of work. I tried to work in between stuff, but it's been sporadic. My life is seriously messed up. I feel like one of those back alley hick town losers with a freako ex husband. You know- the kind everyone looks at and wonders what the heck is wrong with them? Yet- I'm not sure what I do to keep finding myself in this position, over and over and over again. It's like a really bad nightmare that just won't go away.
The lawyer was nice. I think she's going to be good to work with. She seems to really know her stuff. The one problem is, the CAS backup is well, not where I need it to be. I spoke to CAS today, and she basically said that she doesn't have the authority to stop access for my ex. I'm still stunned. How is it that our child protection agency doesn't have the authority to protect our children? What the hell good are they anyways? She's basically told me that she will coerce him into allowing therapy, but that the custody and access part is up to the courts, and up to me to initiate, so basically, it's up to me if I want to send the children to him or not. For crap's sake, talk about a precarious situation. So now, because I contacted the CAS, I'm in an even crappier situation. If I had just listened, kept my mouth shut, acted like I didn't think much of his breakdown or revelation, then I would be safer, and I could build a case in the background. Oh wait, actually no, the courts would say if I was concerned for the safety of my kids I should have contacted CAS. Nice one. Now I'm screwed either way.
So here's where I sit boys and girls- CAS won't help much. They will document their findings which will help with the courts a bit (if even), but in the meantime, he has the right to see his kids. I cannot and will not send them, so he has the right to come after me through the courts. And he will. Actually, he will come after me alot sooner than that, and we all know it. I wonder how the CAS will feel when he successfully comes after me with a baseball bat. I hope they'll feel that they did their job when that happens. Yes I'm bitter. Very bitter. Leave me alone.
Anyhow, my lawyer says no access to the kids. So, I've sent a letter to the children's school with a copy of our court order. Fortunately, our court order is very vague, and it says that we both have joint custody of the children, that the children reside with their mother, and that the father has access to the children from time to time as agreed upon by both parties in the best interests of the children. Very very vague. My ex and I have been following our documented and signed child access agreement which agrees to his visitation every other weekend. But here is the kicker. My lawyer says the court order over-rides the agreement. So the agreement that we have both been following is actually null and void. Anyhow, the letter that I've sent both schools basically says that since we both have to agree to his access, effective immediately and until further notice, I do NOT authorize any visitation or access to the children, so my ex is NOT authorized to take the children from school, as there is a CAS investigation, and I fear for the children's safety. If he shows up, they are to contact the police. He's going to be LIVID when he finds out that I did this to him.
There is still the precedent that he does get to see the kids every other weekend. My lawyer says that the court order clearly states he sees them when it is in their best interests, and it's clearly not. End of story.
Well sort of. Until he finds out I made a unilateral decision, gets pissed, and comes after me.
So tomorrow, at noon, I am to pack the kids in the car, and send an email to my ex's lawyer stating that I do not authorize any visitation this weekend, on the grounds that he has not been acting in their best interests on the issue of therapy, and that there will be no further visits until he agrees to therapy. Of course, that's not the real issue, but it's not like I'm going to tip him off about a CAS visit right? By Monday, he will know that the CAS is coming, and so he will have a clearer picture of what's going on.
But, that still leaves the issue of Sunday night. Yes, I'll be safe on the weekend, but what happens on Sunday night when I try to come home? My lawyer says if he shows up, call the police. Easier said than done.
See, I've NEVER called the police on him. Never. Not the hundreds of times that he hit me, not when he threatened to kill me, not when he stalked my property, not when he kept the children. I'm still afraid of him. Sad but true. Now I have to call the police to protect myself. To be honest, the lack of help from the CAS has me seriously afraid of the system. They can't help me. Nobody can. Not even the courts.
See, even if I were to go to court in April (our new court date), and even if I am granted sole custody and he has visitation, he will get angrier and angrier. Then one scary day, he will explode as he always does. He will either come after me, or take it out on the kids. Then it will be too late. People will look back and say there should have been something more in place for us, but there isn't.
No I'm not being a drama queen. I'm scared. I know what I'm getting into. I almost regret calling the CAS. It's only made things worse. It's only going to piss him off more. I'm dreading this weekend. No, actually, I'm dreading coming home on Sunday night. I'm dreading going to work on Monday morning since I know he will be attempting to go to the children's school. I'm dreading this whole thing. I mean, if it goes my way, he will screw up will CAS, lose the court case, be forced back on his meds, and will have to leave me alone. That's the best case scenario. If it doesn't go my way, things stay status quo where the children are concerned, and he is out on a vengeance against me. Quite the gamble don't you think?
The lawyer was nice. I think she's going to be good to work with. She seems to really know her stuff. The one problem is, the CAS backup is well, not where I need it to be. I spoke to CAS today, and she basically said that she doesn't have the authority to stop access for my ex. I'm still stunned. How is it that our child protection agency doesn't have the authority to protect our children? What the hell good are they anyways? She's basically told me that she will coerce him into allowing therapy, but that the custody and access part is up to the courts, and up to me to initiate, so basically, it's up to me if I want to send the children to him or not. For crap's sake, talk about a precarious situation. So now, because I contacted the CAS, I'm in an even crappier situation. If I had just listened, kept my mouth shut, acted like I didn't think much of his breakdown or revelation, then I would be safer, and I could build a case in the background. Oh wait, actually no, the courts would say if I was concerned for the safety of my kids I should have contacted CAS. Nice one. Now I'm screwed either way.
So here's where I sit boys and girls- CAS won't help much. They will document their findings which will help with the courts a bit (if even), but in the meantime, he has the right to see his kids. I cannot and will not send them, so he has the right to come after me through the courts. And he will. Actually, he will come after me alot sooner than that, and we all know it. I wonder how the CAS will feel when he successfully comes after me with a baseball bat. I hope they'll feel that they did their job when that happens. Yes I'm bitter. Very bitter. Leave me alone.
Anyhow, my lawyer says no access to the kids. So, I've sent a letter to the children's school with a copy of our court order. Fortunately, our court order is very vague, and it says that we both have joint custody of the children, that the children reside with their mother, and that the father has access to the children from time to time as agreed upon by both parties in the best interests of the children. Very very vague. My ex and I have been following our documented and signed child access agreement which agrees to his visitation every other weekend. But here is the kicker. My lawyer says the court order over-rides the agreement. So the agreement that we have both been following is actually null and void. Anyhow, the letter that I've sent both schools basically says that since we both have to agree to his access, effective immediately and until further notice, I do NOT authorize any visitation or access to the children, so my ex is NOT authorized to take the children from school, as there is a CAS investigation, and I fear for the children's safety. If he shows up, they are to contact the police. He's going to be LIVID when he finds out that I did this to him.
There is still the precedent that he does get to see the kids every other weekend. My lawyer says that the court order clearly states he sees them when it is in their best interests, and it's clearly not. End of story.
Well sort of. Until he finds out I made a unilateral decision, gets pissed, and comes after me.
So tomorrow, at noon, I am to pack the kids in the car, and send an email to my ex's lawyer stating that I do not authorize any visitation this weekend, on the grounds that he has not been acting in their best interests on the issue of therapy, and that there will be no further visits until he agrees to therapy. Of course, that's not the real issue, but it's not like I'm going to tip him off about a CAS visit right? By Monday, he will know that the CAS is coming, and so he will have a clearer picture of what's going on.
But, that still leaves the issue of Sunday night. Yes, I'll be safe on the weekend, but what happens on Sunday night when I try to come home? My lawyer says if he shows up, call the police. Easier said than done.
See, I've NEVER called the police on him. Never. Not the hundreds of times that he hit me, not when he threatened to kill me, not when he stalked my property, not when he kept the children. I'm still afraid of him. Sad but true. Now I have to call the police to protect myself. To be honest, the lack of help from the CAS has me seriously afraid of the system. They can't help me. Nobody can. Not even the courts.
See, even if I were to go to court in April (our new court date), and even if I am granted sole custody and he has visitation, he will get angrier and angrier. Then one scary day, he will explode as he always does. He will either come after me, or take it out on the kids. Then it will be too late. People will look back and say there should have been something more in place for us, but there isn't.
No I'm not being a drama queen. I'm scared. I know what I'm getting into. I almost regret calling the CAS. It's only made things worse. It's only going to piss him off more. I'm dreading this weekend. No, actually, I'm dreading coming home on Sunday night. I'm dreading going to work on Monday morning since I know he will be attempting to go to the children's school. I'm dreading this whole thing. I mean, if it goes my way, he will screw up will CAS, lose the court case, be forced back on his meds, and will have to leave me alone. That's the best case scenario. If it doesn't go my way, things stay status quo where the children are concerned, and he is out on a vengeance against me. Quite the gamble don't you think?
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