My son got his first grade one report card. Now before I get into this story, I'm going to qualify this by saying- yes I am a strong supporter of academics. I think an education is very important, and I would love nothing more than to see both my children be academically successful in their lives. That being said, I do not want to pressure them. Although some parental pressure can at times teach them to try harder, at other times it can backfire and make children give up. All I want right now is to see my children do their best, whatever that may be.
Here's the phenomenal thing. My son got all B's on his last report card. Now, you may wonder why a mother who pulled a straight A average throughout her entire academic career is so ecstatic that her son got B's in grade one. It's not the grade I'm concerned about. Not in the least. It's what the grade represents that matters to me. You see, I read the legend. A 'B' in all subjects means that he's meeting all the requirements. The phenomenal part is that this child is doing 'average' or 'acceptable' despite an incredibly challenging period in his life.
Look at it from his perspective. This little guy was removed in June 2004 from a home where he lived with his two parents. He was taken out of a school with all his friends and had to live with his mother and grandparents for a year. He also had to start a new school and meet new friends. Then, he and his sister were uprooted once again a year later (this past July) and moved into a new home. No more grandparents, and no father. Then, two months later, he started in a new school (this September), where not only did he have to learn new rules, meet new friends (yet again), but he also had to adapt to a new approach to learning. This is after all a public school, which is a big change coming from a Montessori environment.
I don't know about you, but for me, if I had all that change happen, you would probably notice that I would be much more distracted at work, that I would be somewhat emotional, maybe moody, and definitely would need the world to cut me some slack. And I'm an adult.
This little guy was able to keep up with everyone else despite all these challenges. I mean, how could anyone expect more than that? This tells me that he's a phenomenal kid, because really- if he had normal circumstances, he would be doing better than average. What more could I possibly ask for?
I'm also thrilled for another reason. This means he's doing ok. This means my children are adapting well. This means the child that appears to be happy and doing well is managing, despite this separation. This means that my efforts are working.
All I want is for my children to be ok. That is the most important goal. After that, I need to make sure that I'M ok. This makes me hopeful. This makes me happy. Somehow, something as trivial as a grade one report card feels like its MY report card- the fact that my child is doing "average" given this situation means that I must have done well helping him transition. I guess it's a moment to feel reassured. After all, we all need reassurance sometimes, don't we? My friends are always telling me about how great my children are, and how well they seem to be managing, but I half expect to hear that from my friends. Really- what else are they going to say? Man- you messed up these kids, and you've failed as a mother? Of course not.
I guess the external report on my son's progress means so much because it comes from someone who doesn't know me, my sensitivities, or how much this will mean to me. His teacher isn't trying to soften the blow, to make me feel better, or to sugar coat things. She's just an objective outsider giving her evaluation of his progress, of my progress, and of our progress. (She just doesn't realize that's what she's doing). I'm grateful for the status report, and for the reassurance. Here's to hoping for another "average" term, for another fabulous status report, and for further reassurance. I can only do my best to help these children succeed, and all I can ask of my children is that they continue to try their best. Strive for excellence, not perfection, right? Right now, the best thing is to be reasonable, and fair and to hope and pray for the best. My son has exceeded my expectations. I give him an A+ for his effort, and that's the most important category and grade of all.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Friday, November 25, 2005
Good Morning!
I woke up this morning to the cutest thing in the world. Two little monkeys in my bed. I'm usually a light sleeper, but somehow I don't even remember them making it into my bed last night. When I woke up, there they were, my son and daughter cuddled together under my blanket in this king sized bed. (Thank God its a big bed!).
They looked so adorable. There's something about little children when they are sleeping...They look so perfect. I kissed each of them on the forehead and woke them up for school.
When I asked how they got into my bed, my son answered that "they" had a bad dream last night. "Both of you?" He responded that yes, they had both had a bad dream, and decided to come and join me. I contemplated explaining to the children that they couldn't have had the same bad dream at the same time, or that it was unlikely that they both had nightmares at the same moment, but they looked so proud of themselves for their explanation that I just didn't have the heart.
"We're allowed to come to your room for bad dreams mommy- that's your rule", my son reminded me.
"Yes you are, honey, anytime".
They are so adorable. I think what really happened is that they probably waited till I was asleep and tiptoed into my room, into my bed, snuggled up together and fell asleep. But either way, its fine. Especially if it makes them feel better. Besides, I kind of like the feel of waking up and seeing them all snuggled up like that. I know its probably better to give them a proper "strict" routine in their own bed, and I am trying to do that at bedtime. But for now, I'm going to turn a blind eye to their "nightmare" routine, rather than tell them they can't join me. I'm sure it will fade, and even if it doesn't, it's still fun for now :-)
As for me, I'm still trying to rest. The 'to do' list never seems to go away though. And here's something weird. Yesterday I took my car to the mechanic. You know its really bad when the mechanic calls you and advises that he can make a lot of money and fix your car, but "if you want my real advice, buy a new car". Great. Apparently the engine is messed up big time.
Oddly enough, although this is a massive and unexpected expense, (I wasn't even budgeting for a new car right now), the truth is, I was sick of that car. It was my ex's car, and I "inherited" it during the separation. To be honest, every time I look at it, I see him sitting in it. That in turn reminds me of everything that happened, and well, you get the point. I think a healthy part of my new beginning will be getting rid of his car. A costly part, but probably better in the long run. Now I just have to find a super cheap car that I can drive.
So much for a car representing your desired image. Whatever I get now will just have to be transportation, there will be no image thing happening here. But hey- at least it will be MY car. That's a good start. My home, my car, my space. All of it is financially tough, but its all emotionally good.
They looked so adorable. There's something about little children when they are sleeping...They look so perfect. I kissed each of them on the forehead and woke them up for school.
When I asked how they got into my bed, my son answered that "they" had a bad dream last night. "Both of you?" He responded that yes, they had both had a bad dream, and decided to come and join me. I contemplated explaining to the children that they couldn't have had the same bad dream at the same time, or that it was unlikely that they both had nightmares at the same moment, but they looked so proud of themselves for their explanation that I just didn't have the heart.
"We're allowed to come to your room for bad dreams mommy- that's your rule", my son reminded me.
"Yes you are, honey, anytime".
They are so adorable. I think what really happened is that they probably waited till I was asleep and tiptoed into my room, into my bed, snuggled up together and fell asleep. But either way, its fine. Especially if it makes them feel better. Besides, I kind of like the feel of waking up and seeing them all snuggled up like that. I know its probably better to give them a proper "strict" routine in their own bed, and I am trying to do that at bedtime. But for now, I'm going to turn a blind eye to their "nightmare" routine, rather than tell them they can't join me. I'm sure it will fade, and even if it doesn't, it's still fun for now :-)
As for me, I'm still trying to rest. The 'to do' list never seems to go away though. And here's something weird. Yesterday I took my car to the mechanic. You know its really bad when the mechanic calls you and advises that he can make a lot of money and fix your car, but "if you want my real advice, buy a new car". Great. Apparently the engine is messed up big time.
Oddly enough, although this is a massive and unexpected expense, (I wasn't even budgeting for a new car right now), the truth is, I was sick of that car. It was my ex's car, and I "inherited" it during the separation. To be honest, every time I look at it, I see him sitting in it. That in turn reminds me of everything that happened, and well, you get the point. I think a healthy part of my new beginning will be getting rid of his car. A costly part, but probably better in the long run. Now I just have to find a super cheap car that I can drive.
So much for a car representing your desired image. Whatever I get now will just have to be transportation, there will be no image thing happening here. But hey- at least it will be MY car. That's a good start. My home, my car, my space. All of it is financially tough, but its all emotionally good.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Resting Days
Well...I finished all the audit stuff...That was insanely difficult. When I went in on Monday morning, my boss commented on two things- that I looked like crap and that he didn't think I needed to do all the stuff that I did. That kind of made me feel bad. But then, 3 hours later when he did meet up with the auditors, he came back to me and told me that they needed all the documentation that I had done. Every single item was necessary. That made me feel a whole lot better.
Anyhow, I'm off today and tomorrow, and the weekend of course. That gives me 4 days to rest. My boss insisted that I take the time to get a break (wow- I must have looked really bad that day) :-)
Its not much of a teaparty, I'm actually just doing the stuff I would have done anyways- snow tires on the car, snow boots for the kids, clean house, laundry, but its nice to be at home.
As I was on my way out of the office last night, my colleague commented again on how I really need to learn to turn the blackberry off. I think he's right, so I'm trying it. I must admit, I do have the urge to check it, but I'm fighting it :-). I even have my msn set to "appear offline" so that my colleagues and team members won't ask me work questions. I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.
On another note, I have that ulcer test tomorrow. Not fun. Today's diet consists of clear liquids and laxatives to prepare for the test. Very nice. Maybe its better that I'm not in the office...That would just be all wrong.
We had snow last night and as I woke up I thought - dang- I don't even own a shovel. I guess its just another thing I didn't think of. My ex used to do all the outside stuff. I never had to touch anything like that...I guess I'm still getting used to all this manual labour. But to be honest, its still totally worth it. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. The freedom and peace I have with things the way they are - there's nothing like it. Sometimes I think back to the events that occurred right before I left, and I can't believe I let myself go through that. I'm not even ready to write about it, and I can count on one hand the number of people who actually know the truth. All I can say is that nobody should allow themselves to stay in a situation like that...Nobody. I still get nightmares and wake up at night from remembering half the stuff...But that was a year and a half ago, and it seems like a lifetime away.
Anyhow, this morning when I got the kids in the car and opened the garage- my driveway was shoveled! Those neighbours are so awesome! Who are these people, and why are they so incredibly kind to me? Mental note- extra large gift basket for them at Christmas. Mental note number two- I have to remember to reciprocate. Hmmm- Maybe I can get my 6yr old son to help me shovel the snow next time. What- like you wouldn't do the same? We can make a game out of it- let's see who can shovel faster :-)
Either way, I am totally shocked at how awesome those neighbours are. I mean, I know people like that existed back in the Beaver Cleaver days, but I really didn't expect it in today's self-centered-all-about-me world. People just aren't like that anymore, at least, not that often. Wow- lucky me, I feel so blessed. Of all the homes to move into, I got this one that I love, and of all the neighbours in the world, I got the best ones. I mean, its not about shoveling the driveway, or fertilizing my lawn, its about the fact that they actually care enough to go out of their way. I don't know if its because they know its just me and the kids, or if they would do it anyways, but their kindness is really overwhelming. The funny thing is, I bet they don't even have a clue how big an impact their kindness has on me, and how much it makes me reflect about myself, or about how much it rebuilds my faith in humanity. They just do it - just because that's who they are. Random acts of kindness. Pretty incredible, huh?
Anyhow, I'm off today and tomorrow, and the weekend of course. That gives me 4 days to rest. My boss insisted that I take the time to get a break (wow- I must have looked really bad that day) :-)
Its not much of a teaparty, I'm actually just doing the stuff I would have done anyways- snow tires on the car, snow boots for the kids, clean house, laundry, but its nice to be at home.
As I was on my way out of the office last night, my colleague commented again on how I really need to learn to turn the blackberry off. I think he's right, so I'm trying it. I must admit, I do have the urge to check it, but I'm fighting it :-). I even have my msn set to "appear offline" so that my colleagues and team members won't ask me work questions. I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.
On another note, I have that ulcer test tomorrow. Not fun. Today's diet consists of clear liquids and laxatives to prepare for the test. Very nice. Maybe its better that I'm not in the office...That would just be all wrong.
We had snow last night and as I woke up I thought - dang- I don't even own a shovel. I guess its just another thing I didn't think of. My ex used to do all the outside stuff. I never had to touch anything like that...I guess I'm still getting used to all this manual labour. But to be honest, its still totally worth it. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. The freedom and peace I have with things the way they are - there's nothing like it. Sometimes I think back to the events that occurred right before I left, and I can't believe I let myself go through that. I'm not even ready to write about it, and I can count on one hand the number of people who actually know the truth. All I can say is that nobody should allow themselves to stay in a situation like that...Nobody. I still get nightmares and wake up at night from remembering half the stuff...But that was a year and a half ago, and it seems like a lifetime away.
Anyhow, this morning when I got the kids in the car and opened the garage- my driveway was shoveled! Those neighbours are so awesome! Who are these people, and why are they so incredibly kind to me? Mental note- extra large gift basket for them at Christmas. Mental note number two- I have to remember to reciprocate. Hmmm- Maybe I can get my 6yr old son to help me shovel the snow next time. What- like you wouldn't do the same? We can make a game out of it- let's see who can shovel faster :-)
Either way, I am totally shocked at how awesome those neighbours are. I mean, I know people like that existed back in the Beaver Cleaver days, but I really didn't expect it in today's self-centered-all-about-me world. People just aren't like that anymore, at least, not that often. Wow- lucky me, I feel so blessed. Of all the homes to move into, I got this one that I love, and of all the neighbours in the world, I got the best ones. I mean, its not about shoveling the driveway, or fertilizing my lawn, its about the fact that they actually care enough to go out of their way. I don't know if its because they know its just me and the kids, or if they would do it anyways, but their kindness is really overwhelming. The funny thing is, I bet they don't even have a clue how big an impact their kindness has on me, and how much it makes me reflect about myself, or about how much it rebuilds my faith in humanity. They just do it - just because that's who they are. Random acts of kindness. Pretty incredible, huh?
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Almost there
I NEVER thought I'd ever say this...But I cannot wait for this weekend to be over. I cannot wait for Monday to be here, because then, I will have finished all this audit prep, and although I will be exhausted, I will be human again. This is pure hell.
I don't think I've done this to my body since way back in my undergraduate years. Working all day and night nonstop to get stuff documented and overwith. I had forgotten how this feels. Its crap. Why would anyone subject themselves to this? If I see another piece of paper that says "risk plan" or "process" on it again, my head is going to crack open and a bunch of little creatures are going to come out and start dancing on the tables and chairs and wreaking havoc on the universe (ever see the movie "gremlins"?)
Yes, I know, I'm dating myself, but that's the image I have in my head. Except my creatures will probably be dancing to the macerena while wreaking havoc. Don't ask. Its almost 2am and I've only slept about 6 hours in the past 48. What do I know?
Well, I know that I'm glad the kids are at their dad's this weekend. Glad for them that is. I also know that sitting in trackpants for 2 days in a row with eyeglasses and no makeup feels really nasty. I also know that I've become so obsessed that I've resorted to eating Frosted Flakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until I get this done. Now that's sick. What the hell is wrong with me? I'll tell you one thing, I DO NOT miss those university days. Frosted Flakes for dinner. What a concept. Its almost funny- I can think of a million times when I've told the children "no, you may NOT have cereal for dinner, because that's just wrong". But here I am- Frosted Flakes for dinner.
You know what? I was right- This is sooooo wrong. The other pathetic thing is that I have plenty of stuff I could eat sitting right there in the fridge, but I go for Frosted Flakes. I dunno. Its 2am. Don't even try asking me to explain all this. I'm tired. And the weird thing is, given how sick I've been lately, I REALLY should not be doing this to myself. I mean, I'm still undergoing tests for this insane ulcer, and I'm making myself sleep deprived and messing up my eating habits. But oddly enough, as an aside, one thing I do know is that all those Frosted flakes have worked wonders on the ulcer. Go figure. Must be all that milk. And sugar. OK - Now thinking of all that sugar, I just feel even nastier. I think I'm gonna be sick...
I bet when Monday comes, I will have done all this magical perfect documentation and nobody will ask for any of it. I have to tell you, if that happens, I'm going to have the biggest massive freak-O attack on the planet. I can just see myself running up to the auditors hurling stacks of paper at them yelling "you MUST read this. Its perfection, Dammit!!!!". That's when the nice men come with the white straightjacket just for me. But hey, I bet that will get me a few days of uninterrupted sleep :-)
Gosh I need sleep. I'm outta here. Almost done. 24 hours to go, and the pathetic thing is, nobody has a clue how much work I'm doing. If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Well if I do all this documentation and nobody knows, does anybody care? Hmmmm I'm starting to feel really suckered right now...
I don't think I've done this to my body since way back in my undergraduate years. Working all day and night nonstop to get stuff documented and overwith. I had forgotten how this feels. Its crap. Why would anyone subject themselves to this? If I see another piece of paper that says "risk plan" or "process" on it again, my head is going to crack open and a bunch of little creatures are going to come out and start dancing on the tables and chairs and wreaking havoc on the universe (ever see the movie "gremlins"?)
Yes, I know, I'm dating myself, but that's the image I have in my head. Except my creatures will probably be dancing to the macerena while wreaking havoc. Don't ask. Its almost 2am and I've only slept about 6 hours in the past 48. What do I know?
Well, I know that I'm glad the kids are at their dad's this weekend. Glad for them that is. I also know that sitting in trackpants for 2 days in a row with eyeglasses and no makeup feels really nasty. I also know that I've become so obsessed that I've resorted to eating Frosted Flakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until I get this done. Now that's sick. What the hell is wrong with me? I'll tell you one thing, I DO NOT miss those university days. Frosted Flakes for dinner. What a concept. Its almost funny- I can think of a million times when I've told the children "no, you may NOT have cereal for dinner, because that's just wrong". But here I am- Frosted Flakes for dinner.
You know what? I was right- This is sooooo wrong. The other pathetic thing is that I have plenty of stuff I could eat sitting right there in the fridge, but I go for Frosted Flakes. I dunno. Its 2am. Don't even try asking me to explain all this. I'm tired. And the weird thing is, given how sick I've been lately, I REALLY should not be doing this to myself. I mean, I'm still undergoing tests for this insane ulcer, and I'm making myself sleep deprived and messing up my eating habits. But oddly enough, as an aside, one thing I do know is that all those Frosted flakes have worked wonders on the ulcer. Go figure. Must be all that milk. And sugar. OK - Now thinking of all that sugar, I just feel even nastier. I think I'm gonna be sick...
I bet when Monday comes, I will have done all this magical perfect documentation and nobody will ask for any of it. I have to tell you, if that happens, I'm going to have the biggest massive freak-O attack on the planet. I can just see myself running up to the auditors hurling stacks of paper at them yelling "you MUST read this. Its perfection, Dammit!!!!". That's when the nice men come with the white straightjacket just for me. But hey, I bet that will get me a few days of uninterrupted sleep :-)
Gosh I need sleep. I'm outta here. Almost done. 24 hours to go, and the pathetic thing is, nobody has a clue how much work I'm doing. If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Well if I do all this documentation and nobody knows, does anybody care? Hmmmm I'm starting to feel really suckered right now...
Thursday, November 17, 2005
The Office Audit
I am drained. I have been working late every night this week. I know, it goes against everything I posted last week, but our department is going through an audit starting Monday, and these things have a way of taking more time out of our day than we originally expected.
It's not like our group is doing some bad stuff, and it's not like we've cut major corners or something. But audits are about documentation and paper trails, and so it's always good to double check and make sure that everything is good before someone finds a mistake for you.
I know I promised myself I wouldn't work late, and that I would take it easy. But really- this is different, and here's why: My extra effort right now is not for my own benefit. In fact, I don't think it really benefits me in any major way. (I mean, I didn't even tell my boss about all the extra work hours, so really- almost nobody knows I'm doing this).
But this is about loyalty and reciprocation, and yes, integrity. My boss has done so much for me over the years, that I owe him big time. If I can put in a few extra hours to make sure that his department looks good, I'll feel like I contributed back. Not that I don't every single day- I know I'm a great employee, and that he considers me a valuable part of the team. But still- this is about supporting someone who's always supported me.
Since this is not about personal career advancement, or about recognition, or about messed up priorities, I have no issues with the long hours. OK- Aside from the fact that the ulcer is bugging me, but really- that will have to be dealt with by slowing down next week. Not the best answer, but hey- I am going for another doctor's visit tomorrow morning, so I'm doing the best I can.
Anyhow, enough about the audit. I want to talk about something totally awesome- my parents' support. I got home at 10:15 pm today (left the office at 9), and my parents picked up the kids, fed them at their house, then brought them to my house and put them to sleep. Isn't that awesome? What amazing parents!
I came home and saw my mom lying on my couch half asleep and my dad waiting for me in my living room and I felt like I was a 17 year old, with parents who were waiting up for her. Only this time, I loved it. A 17 year old's instinct is to complain and tell her parents to leave her alone and stop keeping tabs on her. But for me, to see my parents waiting there, just doing whatever they could to help and support me, it melted my heart.
My dad asked me how everything was going. I told him it was all on track. He smiled and said "Good. That boss of yours is a good person. You make sure you do whatever you can to make this go well for him". Good old Indian Loyalty. Gotta love it. That is actually one thing about this culture that I do love. Loyalty, integrity, and yes, some of the old fashioned values.
I said some. :-)
Next- my parents asked about the ulcer, asked if I had dinner yet (I didn't), and my mom pointed to a tupperware on my counter. She said she knew me well enough to know I wouldn't eat, so she brought dinner for me. Saved. I was starved. God Bless my awesome parents.
I don't know why as teenagers we go through such a tug of war with our parents, but I have to say, parents are the best thing in the world. No matter where you go, or what you do, they will always be there for you. Funny- I had a really stressful day at the office and even as an almost-divorced-single-mom, I still get to come home to the same comfort I got when I was a little child.
I still remember those cold winter days as early as the second grade when I got home from school, only to find my mom waiting at the door for me with a warm cup of cocoa. Now that was really special. Just as special as this evening's scene of my parents waiting patiently for me in my family room. Waiting to make sure their daughter got home safely. Waiting to make sure their grandchildren were tucked in nicely. But never expecting much in return.
Some people would laugh and say that I'm too dependent, but really I'm not. I'm actually very independent, and rather confident about that. Some would say that I get pampered too much by my family. Others have actually told me to back away, and not let my parents be so involved in my life. I would respond by saying that those people don't know what they're missing. :-)
It's not like our group is doing some bad stuff, and it's not like we've cut major corners or something. But audits are about documentation and paper trails, and so it's always good to double check and make sure that everything is good before someone finds a mistake for you.
I know I promised myself I wouldn't work late, and that I would take it easy. But really- this is different, and here's why: My extra effort right now is not for my own benefit. In fact, I don't think it really benefits me in any major way. (I mean, I didn't even tell my boss about all the extra work hours, so really- almost nobody knows I'm doing this).
But this is about loyalty and reciprocation, and yes, integrity. My boss has done so much for me over the years, that I owe him big time. If I can put in a few extra hours to make sure that his department looks good, I'll feel like I contributed back. Not that I don't every single day- I know I'm a great employee, and that he considers me a valuable part of the team. But still- this is about supporting someone who's always supported me.
Since this is not about personal career advancement, or about recognition, or about messed up priorities, I have no issues with the long hours. OK- Aside from the fact that the ulcer is bugging me, but really- that will have to be dealt with by slowing down next week. Not the best answer, but hey- I am going for another doctor's visit tomorrow morning, so I'm doing the best I can.
Anyhow, enough about the audit. I want to talk about something totally awesome- my parents' support. I got home at 10:15 pm today (left the office at 9), and my parents picked up the kids, fed them at their house, then brought them to my house and put them to sleep. Isn't that awesome? What amazing parents!
I came home and saw my mom lying on my couch half asleep and my dad waiting for me in my living room and I felt like I was a 17 year old, with parents who were waiting up for her. Only this time, I loved it. A 17 year old's instinct is to complain and tell her parents to leave her alone and stop keeping tabs on her. But for me, to see my parents waiting there, just doing whatever they could to help and support me, it melted my heart.
My dad asked me how everything was going. I told him it was all on track. He smiled and said "Good. That boss of yours is a good person. You make sure you do whatever you can to make this go well for him". Good old Indian Loyalty. Gotta love it. That is actually one thing about this culture that I do love. Loyalty, integrity, and yes, some of the old fashioned values.
I said some. :-)
Next- my parents asked about the ulcer, asked if I had dinner yet (I didn't), and my mom pointed to a tupperware on my counter. She said she knew me well enough to know I wouldn't eat, so she brought dinner for me. Saved. I was starved. God Bless my awesome parents.
I don't know why as teenagers we go through such a tug of war with our parents, but I have to say, parents are the best thing in the world. No matter where you go, or what you do, they will always be there for you. Funny- I had a really stressful day at the office and even as an almost-divorced-single-mom, I still get to come home to the same comfort I got when I was a little child.
I still remember those cold winter days as early as the second grade when I got home from school, only to find my mom waiting at the door for me with a warm cup of cocoa. Now that was really special. Just as special as this evening's scene of my parents waiting patiently for me in my family room. Waiting to make sure their daughter got home safely. Waiting to make sure their grandchildren were tucked in nicely. But never expecting much in return.
Some people would laugh and say that I'm too dependent, but really I'm not. I'm actually very independent, and rather confident about that. Some would say that I get pampered too much by my family. Others have actually told me to back away, and not let my parents be so involved in my life. I would respond by saying that those people don't know what they're missing. :-)
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Happiness vs. Stress
I spoke to a girlfriend last night, and she had an interesting perspective. We talked about this ulcer, and I expressed my disappointment in myself. I told her that I thought that I had come a long way, and that this made me feel like I was a bit delusional...Again.
She spoke to me about happiness. She said that in all the years that she's known me, she's never seen me this happy or calm. Yes, I have a busy lifestyle, but I seemed to be in an entirely different space altogether. I agreed with her in that. The stress in my life is about calendar, stuff to do, capacity at work, etc. I would describe it as physical stress. But the truth is, I don't really feel any emotional stress. I feel much calmer, and much more at peace these days. So she pointed out that an ulcer doesn't mean that I'm not better off, or that I haven't done well, but it does mean I still have to slow down. Nobody's perfect, right?
Well, that made me feel better, and I think she's right. She pointed out that moving was the next biggest stress next to death of a spouse and divorce. That's true. I just went through a move, a new adjustment for me and the children, and I had to deal with issues around the divorce. So maybe I'm just being too hard on myself? These things ARE stressful, but I do think I'm handling them well. At the same time, I think comments like the one about me needing to park the blackberry are also accurate. I could help myself slow down if I really tried. I'm going to try those suggestions as well. One step at a time, right?
One thing that my friend told me yesterday was that she saw a difference in my children. That they seemed calmer and happier, and I think she was being honest. And, she said, "not calmer and happier and doing well GIVEN your situation. Just overall- no qualifiers". So, if they seem to be doing well, and better than before, and I feel more at ease, I guess the only stuff left to do is manage the capacity stuff....But accept that the emotional element is well on its way. That I can deal with.
Thank God for awesome friends. Where would we be without them?
She spoke to me about happiness. She said that in all the years that she's known me, she's never seen me this happy or calm. Yes, I have a busy lifestyle, but I seemed to be in an entirely different space altogether. I agreed with her in that. The stress in my life is about calendar, stuff to do, capacity at work, etc. I would describe it as physical stress. But the truth is, I don't really feel any emotional stress. I feel much calmer, and much more at peace these days. So she pointed out that an ulcer doesn't mean that I'm not better off, or that I haven't done well, but it does mean I still have to slow down. Nobody's perfect, right?
Well, that made me feel better, and I think she's right. She pointed out that moving was the next biggest stress next to death of a spouse and divorce. That's true. I just went through a move, a new adjustment for me and the children, and I had to deal with issues around the divorce. So maybe I'm just being too hard on myself? These things ARE stressful, but I do think I'm handling them well. At the same time, I think comments like the one about me needing to park the blackberry are also accurate. I could help myself slow down if I really tried. I'm going to try those suggestions as well. One step at a time, right?
One thing that my friend told me yesterday was that she saw a difference in my children. That they seemed calmer and happier, and I think she was being honest. And, she said, "not calmer and happier and doing well GIVEN your situation. Just overall- no qualifiers". So, if they seem to be doing well, and better than before, and I feel more at ease, I guess the only stuff left to do is manage the capacity stuff....But accept that the emotional element is well on its way. That I can deal with.
Thank God for awesome friends. Where would we be without them?
Friday, November 11, 2005
My Body Defies Me
Well this is a weird space to be in. I've spent a whole year and a half telling myself that I am ok, that I've learned from my past, and that I will never let history repeat itself. Lying in that hospital bed in March 2004, I swore that I would never let myself be there again, that I would never let stress take over, and that my body would never again feel the impact of my lifestyle. And just two weeks ago, I had myself convinced that I was doing better, that I was living stress free and that I had finally managed to get things under control. I was happy and hopeful, and then my body defied me once again. Told me that I'm wrong, that I still haven't slowed down, that I still need to work on this.
I'm feeling a bit defeated...I mean I thought I was on the right track, I thought I had reached a point where I was very conscious of slowing down and taking it easy, but apparently, I was wrong. Apparently I was just as delusional as I was when I was being CT scanned in the hospital March 2004, 20 minutes after being ambulanced in, telling the doctors that I was NOT stressed out. Not stressed, yet I was in a miserable marriage, contemplating divorce, financial pressures were nuts, and I had been working about 15 hours a day on a 13 month project (I kid you not). Delusional. Completely delusional. Yet, two days ago, I sat scrunched over in the chair in my doctors office begging him to help the ulcer pain. We've been working on this ulcer for months, and now its gotten really bad. I mean, high levels of bleeding bad. Where the hell did I go wrong? Dr. Clive asked me about stress levels, and I assured him that everything was good. But then he got annoyed (and he NEVER gets irritated with me). He said something along the lines of "lets see- You've moved into a new house in July, you're dealing with the children almost full time, your bi-polar ex who won't leave you alone moved a minute walk from your house, and you've started working extended hours to manage your workload at the office. Oh yeah, of course, this can't be stress related. When will you open your eyes?"
I wanted to cry. I mean, I REALLY believed that I wasn't stressed. I told my good friend this story today and she basically said "you're surprised? This is your cycle...You think you're superwoman, you tell yourself you're ok, your body reacts or shuts down and you slow down for a bit..."
Well, yes, now that you put it that way, I guess it is my cycle. But I REALLY thought this time was different. I was actually proud of myself. So now, well....What now? What else can I possibly change? Turn off the blackberry more? Sure- let's evaluate that- hmmm I'm a single mom and the sole breadwinner for this home. Yeah, screwing up at work is a fabulous idea. What other ideas? Go to bed early? Yes, I suppose the lunch fairy will come over and pack my son's lunch. Get to work early? Sure- you get these kids out of bed in the morning. No luck there. So what now?
I cannot explain the intense frustration. I'm lying here unable to move cuz of this freakin pain, and I'm lost, cuz I really believed this time I was different. I'm going to go and re-read Gabor Mate's book "when the body says no"...Maybe that will knock some sense back into me. My friend is right. This is my cycle...But I really wish it wasn't. And while I will not let go of the fact that I have made significant changes over the past year and a half, perhaps I need to accept the fact that there is still quite a long road ahead, quite alot of work to be done, and quite alot of things I still need to learn and evaluate. I'm going to accept this as a gift from God, as another wake up call, just like the hospital visit in March 2004. Time to re-evaluate. Time to reprioritize, time to focus on ME.
I'm feeling a bit defeated...I mean I thought I was on the right track, I thought I had reached a point where I was very conscious of slowing down and taking it easy, but apparently, I was wrong. Apparently I was just as delusional as I was when I was being CT scanned in the hospital March 2004, 20 minutes after being ambulanced in, telling the doctors that I was NOT stressed out. Not stressed, yet I was in a miserable marriage, contemplating divorce, financial pressures were nuts, and I had been working about 15 hours a day on a 13 month project (I kid you not). Delusional. Completely delusional. Yet, two days ago, I sat scrunched over in the chair in my doctors office begging him to help the ulcer pain. We've been working on this ulcer for months, and now its gotten really bad. I mean, high levels of bleeding bad. Where the hell did I go wrong? Dr. Clive asked me about stress levels, and I assured him that everything was good. But then he got annoyed (and he NEVER gets irritated with me). He said something along the lines of "lets see- You've moved into a new house in July, you're dealing with the children almost full time, your bi-polar ex who won't leave you alone moved a minute walk from your house, and you've started working extended hours to manage your workload at the office. Oh yeah, of course, this can't be stress related. When will you open your eyes?"
I wanted to cry. I mean, I REALLY believed that I wasn't stressed. I told my good friend this story today and she basically said "you're surprised? This is your cycle...You think you're superwoman, you tell yourself you're ok, your body reacts or shuts down and you slow down for a bit..."
Well, yes, now that you put it that way, I guess it is my cycle. But I REALLY thought this time was different. I was actually proud of myself. So now, well....What now? What else can I possibly change? Turn off the blackberry more? Sure- let's evaluate that- hmmm I'm a single mom and the sole breadwinner for this home. Yeah, screwing up at work is a fabulous idea. What other ideas? Go to bed early? Yes, I suppose the lunch fairy will come over and pack my son's lunch. Get to work early? Sure- you get these kids out of bed in the morning. No luck there. So what now?
I cannot explain the intense frustration. I'm lying here unable to move cuz of this freakin pain, and I'm lost, cuz I really believed this time I was different. I'm going to go and re-read Gabor Mate's book "when the body says no"...Maybe that will knock some sense back into me. My friend is right. This is my cycle...But I really wish it wasn't. And while I will not let go of the fact that I have made significant changes over the past year and a half, perhaps I need to accept the fact that there is still quite a long road ahead, quite alot of work to be done, and quite alot of things I still need to learn and evaluate. I'm going to accept this as a gift from God, as another wake up call, just like the hospital visit in March 2004. Time to re-evaluate. Time to reprioritize, time to focus on ME.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Save the Puppies
I have to recount this story. It made me smile. A few days ago, I took my son to the pet store to look at the puppies. This pet store doesn't have a cage or glass, they actually have this little fence built around the puppies so you can touch them from over the fence, or through the mesh. My son had a blast. "Look at those puppies mommy- they are so cute!"
I watched him play with the puppies for about 20 minutes. There were 4 white little puppies in that cage. 3 of them were really tiny, and one was a bit bigger. Eventually, they started fighting. The bigger one started barking and biting the other 3, who were yelping and whining. I watched this for a couple of minutes, and then saw the expression on my son's face. "Honey- are you ok"?
"No mommy- we need to buy that big puppy". The big one? That was bizarre...It was the mean one that was causing all the trouble. "Why the big one?"...."Because, Mommy- if we don't buy him, he will KILL the other doggies and that would be VERY bad. We have to buy the big one to get him away from the little ones. We just HAVE to."
Wow...A bit altruistic there buddy, aren't ya? Um ok so I thought I'd ask him- did it occur to you that if we buy the mean doggie, WE would have to deal with him living in our house? (OK- This is a theoretical discussion only, cuz the fact is, there is no puppy thing happening in my house. Not now, not ever. But I had to ask the question). My son said "it doesn't matter. If we save the other dogs, they will be happy, and then I will be happy cuz they're too cute and we need to help them".
Adorable. I really don't think all kids think like this little guy. I know every parent thinks their child is the brightest, the nicest, the best kid on the planet, but make no mistake, I am NOT that parent. I know his flaws, and I know his strengths...But his incredible ability to care for others does overwhelm me sometimes.
This child is a little utilitarian. The greater happiness outweighs everything else. 3 puppies would be better off if we took the big one off their hands, so that's what we will do, even if it means we don't get to take home the best puppy.
I left the pet store hand in hand with my son thinking, wow- I hope he continues to be this way. I like his compassion, his care, his sensitivity. There are enough insensitive guys in this world, and not enough of the good ones. If I can actually help to keep my son where he is, nurture him, care for him, but teach him to be confident about himself at the same time- maybe, just maybe, he will be one of the good ones when he gets older. Maybe he will be one of the selfless ones who is capable of caring about others, and being in tune with his feelings and emotions, instead of putting up a brick wall, or hiding his compassionate side in an attempt to be more "macho".
I really hope that I am able to help raise my son in that manner. I hope I can raise him to be strong, confident, compassionate, but still a gentleman. If I can raise my son to be one of those men, I will definitely feel that I was a success as a mother.
I watched him play with the puppies for about 20 minutes. There were 4 white little puppies in that cage. 3 of them were really tiny, and one was a bit bigger. Eventually, they started fighting. The bigger one started barking and biting the other 3, who were yelping and whining. I watched this for a couple of minutes, and then saw the expression on my son's face. "Honey- are you ok"?
"No mommy- we need to buy that big puppy". The big one? That was bizarre...It was the mean one that was causing all the trouble. "Why the big one?"...."Because, Mommy- if we don't buy him, he will KILL the other doggies and that would be VERY bad. We have to buy the big one to get him away from the little ones. We just HAVE to."
Wow...A bit altruistic there buddy, aren't ya? Um ok so I thought I'd ask him- did it occur to you that if we buy the mean doggie, WE would have to deal with him living in our house? (OK- This is a theoretical discussion only, cuz the fact is, there is no puppy thing happening in my house. Not now, not ever. But I had to ask the question). My son said "it doesn't matter. If we save the other dogs, they will be happy, and then I will be happy cuz they're too cute and we need to help them".
Adorable. I really don't think all kids think like this little guy. I know every parent thinks their child is the brightest, the nicest, the best kid on the planet, but make no mistake, I am NOT that parent. I know his flaws, and I know his strengths...But his incredible ability to care for others does overwhelm me sometimes.
This child is a little utilitarian. The greater happiness outweighs everything else. 3 puppies would be better off if we took the big one off their hands, so that's what we will do, even if it means we don't get to take home the best puppy.
I left the pet store hand in hand with my son thinking, wow- I hope he continues to be this way. I like his compassion, his care, his sensitivity. There are enough insensitive guys in this world, and not enough of the good ones. If I can actually help to keep my son where he is, nurture him, care for him, but teach him to be confident about himself at the same time- maybe, just maybe, he will be one of the good ones when he gets older. Maybe he will be one of the selfless ones who is capable of caring about others, and being in tune with his feelings and emotions, instead of putting up a brick wall, or hiding his compassionate side in an attempt to be more "macho".
I really hope that I am able to help raise my son in that manner. I hope I can raise him to be strong, confident, compassionate, but still a gentleman. If I can raise my son to be one of those men, I will definitely feel that I was a success as a mother.
Friday, November 04, 2005
I Survived!
I did it. I lasted through Eid dinner and I'm still alive. Actually, I'm better than alive. I feel great. I guess the two days of mental preparation worked. I've saved myself the usual 3 weeks after such an event where I'm usually trying to get over the guilt and feeling that I've somehow made a horrible mistake.
I managed to avoid most situations by first sitting in groups. People don't ask detailed personal questions if you're sitting in a crowd. I did have 2 run-ins with this aunt, and avoided her questions on the first one. The second time she did get me alone and managed to ask if my "husband" was doing better. "yes, he's well". I responded. She exclaimed that this was great news, that everything will be ok, that the kids will be happy...And so I stopped her. I told her that he's on his meds. That doesn't mean that there will be any changes to this situation, and by the way, the children ARE happy. Kids, after all, are very resilient. She started to protest and I stopped her mid-sentence. (Really- I mean what the hell- has she not seen what the past year and a half has been like? Does she think I'm a sucker for pain?)
"Actually- that's it. My decision is made. It's done. There's nothing left to talk about". She continued to ask what I meant by " it's done", but I refused to answer. I just shook my head and said nothing. Then she got up and walked away...'Good'... I thought to myself. 'And don't let the door hit you on your way out'.
I got up and walked towards the carpet where my daughter was playing with her Barbies. I smiled triumphantly and asked if I could join her. She was delighted. So was I. 'Ahhh'...I thought to myself. 'Stress free at last'.
I need to do this more often. Maybe I'm getting smarter. Maybe I'm getting stronger. Or maybe, I'm just learning not to let myself fall down the same conversational rathole more than once. Whatever the case may be, I'm liking it.
I managed to avoid most situations by first sitting in groups. People don't ask detailed personal questions if you're sitting in a crowd. I did have 2 run-ins with this aunt, and avoided her questions on the first one. The second time she did get me alone and managed to ask if my "husband" was doing better. "yes, he's well". I responded. She exclaimed that this was great news, that everything will be ok, that the kids will be happy...And so I stopped her. I told her that he's on his meds. That doesn't mean that there will be any changes to this situation, and by the way, the children ARE happy. Kids, after all, are very resilient. She started to protest and I stopped her mid-sentence. (Really- I mean what the hell- has she not seen what the past year and a half has been like? Does she think I'm a sucker for pain?)
"Actually- that's it. My decision is made. It's done. There's nothing left to talk about". She continued to ask what I meant by " it's done", but I refused to answer. I just shook my head and said nothing. Then she got up and walked away...'Good'... I thought to myself. 'And don't let the door hit you on your way out'.
I got up and walked towards the carpet where my daughter was playing with her Barbies. I smiled triumphantly and asked if I could join her. She was delighted. So was I. 'Ahhh'...I thought to myself. 'Stress free at last'.
I need to do this more often. Maybe I'm getting smarter. Maybe I'm getting stronger. Or maybe, I'm just learning not to let myself fall down the same conversational rathole more than once. Whatever the case may be, I'm liking it.
Happy Eid
Well, its Eid. Finally here. I spent the morning bathing and dressing the children so they could look great for their visit to my ex-in laws. Although I haven't kept in touch of most of my ex's family, I did keep in touch with his eldest brother. I called him this morning to wish him well.
Getting the children dressed for their visit was quite an undertaking, because I wanted them to look perfect. Didn't want to give the ex's the opportunity to feel that I don't take care of my children, that they don't look great, or that I don't dress them well enough.
My children looked fabulous. I dressed them in traditional Indian clothing, and they looked as cute as ever. Its kind of funny because they definitely looked very Indian and stylish in their garb, but really- very little about them has connected with the culture- other than their love for the clothing, and for butter chicken. My children don't particularly like Indian food and they don't speak or even understand the language. Yet another thing to worry about, I suppose.
I'm sure the conversation at my ex-in-laws this morning will undoubtedly touch on the fact that I was a white-washed mother (they always thought that), who was unable to pass culture, traditions, and language to my children. I know it would have been better for them to have at least learned the language, but come on- I don't speak it all that well, and so where would they have learned it from? The one year that I lived with my parents, my mom would try to talk to them in Urdu, but really, she speaks English so often that even she was not very successful. My kids would just look at me and comment that their grandmother "talks funny". Oh well- can't take the world's burden on my shoulders. I've decided not to ask the children too much about their visit with the extended clan this morning, cuz really, I don't think I want to know details of what goes on. Ignorance is bliss, so I'd like to keep it that way. I'll ask if they had a nice time, and leave it at that.
As for this evening's dreaded family reunion, I'm bracing myself. I've decided that the safest place for me tonight will be in the kitchen helping my mom. Nobody will ask personal questions in her presence, so I'll be safe there. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I might get by without the comments I'm anticipating from my aunt. Here's to hoping.
Its funny- a few years back at Christmas time, I was at Blockbuster video. I asked them if they would be open on Christmas day and the guy said "of course- that's our busiest day of the year!" I was shocked and asked how xmas could be so busy...He said that it was cuz everyone is forced to spend the time with family and when they get together once in a year, there isn't much to say or do, so they resort to renting movies. I recall thinking that this was a really sad state and was grateful at the time that Eid was not like that for me.
Today, post separation, and finding myself as the social leper of the Pakistani community, I completely understand the sentiment. In fact, a little outing to Blockbuster might not be such a bad idea. I think I'll take my card with me just in case I need it. In case I need a break from the judgment, the questions, the pressure...Whatever.
The afternoon from 3-7 will be fine, in fact I'm looking forward to it, cuz that's just my immediate family, and that's when the children will get their gifts etc. Its the evening I'm a bit worried about. Then again, I could always use the kids as an excuse and leave by 10 (after dinner and dessert) if things get difficult.
Either way, I am mentally prepared. I've spent two whole days mentally preparing. And you know what? My daughter and I can always bust out the Barbies to pass the time if I need it. Instant stress relief. I LOVE it! :-) The kids make an awesome excuse...Oh so-and-so is tired. Oh, so-and-so is cranky- Oh the kids want ice cream so I'm taking them to Baskin Robbins. Like I said- I have spent two days ensuring that I am prepared for tonight. Bring it on. :-)
Getting the children dressed for their visit was quite an undertaking, because I wanted them to look perfect. Didn't want to give the ex's the opportunity to feel that I don't take care of my children, that they don't look great, or that I don't dress them well enough.
My children looked fabulous. I dressed them in traditional Indian clothing, and they looked as cute as ever. Its kind of funny because they definitely looked very Indian and stylish in their garb, but really- very little about them has connected with the culture- other than their love for the clothing, and for butter chicken. My children don't particularly like Indian food and they don't speak or even understand the language. Yet another thing to worry about, I suppose.
I'm sure the conversation at my ex-in-laws this morning will undoubtedly touch on the fact that I was a white-washed mother (they always thought that), who was unable to pass culture, traditions, and language to my children. I know it would have been better for them to have at least learned the language, but come on- I don't speak it all that well, and so where would they have learned it from? The one year that I lived with my parents, my mom would try to talk to them in Urdu, but really, she speaks English so often that even she was not very successful. My kids would just look at me and comment that their grandmother "talks funny". Oh well- can't take the world's burden on my shoulders. I've decided not to ask the children too much about their visit with the extended clan this morning, cuz really, I don't think I want to know details of what goes on. Ignorance is bliss, so I'd like to keep it that way. I'll ask if they had a nice time, and leave it at that.
As for this evening's dreaded family reunion, I'm bracing myself. I've decided that the safest place for me tonight will be in the kitchen helping my mom. Nobody will ask personal questions in her presence, so I'll be safe there. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I might get by without the comments I'm anticipating from my aunt. Here's to hoping.
Its funny- a few years back at Christmas time, I was at Blockbuster video. I asked them if they would be open on Christmas day and the guy said "of course- that's our busiest day of the year!" I was shocked and asked how xmas could be so busy...He said that it was cuz everyone is forced to spend the time with family and when they get together once in a year, there isn't much to say or do, so they resort to renting movies. I recall thinking that this was a really sad state and was grateful at the time that Eid was not like that for me.
Today, post separation, and finding myself as the social leper of the Pakistani community, I completely understand the sentiment. In fact, a little outing to Blockbuster might not be such a bad idea. I think I'll take my card with me just in case I need it. In case I need a break from the judgment, the questions, the pressure...Whatever.
The afternoon from 3-7 will be fine, in fact I'm looking forward to it, cuz that's just my immediate family, and that's when the children will get their gifts etc. Its the evening I'm a bit worried about. Then again, I could always use the kids as an excuse and leave by 10 (after dinner and dessert) if things get difficult.
Either way, I am mentally prepared. I've spent two whole days mentally preparing. And you know what? My daughter and I can always bust out the Barbies to pass the time if I need it. Instant stress relief. I LOVE it! :-) The kids make an awesome excuse...Oh so-and-so is tired. Oh, so-and-so is cranky- Oh the kids want ice cream so I'm taking them to Baskin Robbins. Like I said- I have spent two days ensuring that I am prepared for tonight. Bring it on. :-)
Thursday, November 03, 2005
The Moon
This is what I cannot stand about our community. The Lunar Calendar drives me absolutely nuts. For those of you who are Muslim, some of you can probably relate to what I'm saying.
I know that the Muslim Calendar goes according to the Lunar Calendar, and that the new moon signifies the beginning of a new month. For Eid, the new moon tells us that its the new month, which marks the end of the old month (Ramadan), thereby telling us that its time to celebrate Eid. What I do not understand is why our community is so incapable of applying a little bit of logic to this whole process. I can't help but think that some people in our community have a little bit of the fundamentalist thinking going on.
I mean really, there is a bit of science that can be applied here. We do know when the new moon will be. But even if you didn't want to go by that, even if you didn't want to use the scientific projections of when the new moon will be, there are places like Australia for example that should see the moon before we do. So, wouldn't WE here in North America be able to at least have that to go on? Why do we have to wait around the night before to see if someone in North America has determined if the moon was sighted in this part of the world? I mean, what do we really think- that the moon, if sighted in Australia will suddenly decide to pack its bags and go on vacation to Jupiter for a day and show up on this side of the world a day late? I mean REALLY- how stupid is that? Honestly, I am ashamed to be affiliated with such stupidity. I actually had to take Thursday AND Friday off work because I was too embarrassed to admit to people that I belong to such a stupid community with such incredibly idiotic thinking. What the hell is wrong with us?
So here I am- its Thursday. I'm sitting at home, and the Toronto community stands divided yet again. Half of Toronto is celebrating Eid today and the other half has decided to celebrate tomorrow. My family is celebrating tomorrow and my friends are celebrating today. This is idiotic, and our community is made up of a bunch of moronic fools. How incredibly embarrassing.
On the bright side, this did give me the opportunity to spend some one on one time with my daughter. I dropped my son off to school and was on my way to drop my daughter off when I suddenly realized- I have the day OFF. I'm not working today. I can actually keep my daughter with me (nobody died from missing a day of junior kindergarten). She was absolutely delighted when I made the suggestion. She was telling my mom that this is a special mommy and daughter day. Silver lining amidst a stupid process :-)
Another great thing is that today is actually a beautiful day outside. My daughter and I went for a walk, hand in hand, and she found a ladybug. She was so excited with her new "friend" that I couldn't help to marvel at how adorable she was. I guess that's the good part- in the middle of all this frustration, I get to spend some quality time with my little princess. This is what really matters. So, for today, I'm going to forget about my frustration with the community, forget about my ex, forget about tomorrow's upcoming family visit, and focus on today. Today, I get a whole day to spend with this angel. Now there's an Eid gift, just for me. An opportunity to smile, an opportunity to be happy, an opportunity to be reassured once again, that I'm doing the best I can, and that everything will be ok. I can still hear my daughter's song from this morning ringing in my head. "Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me"....
I know that the Muslim Calendar goes according to the Lunar Calendar, and that the new moon signifies the beginning of a new month. For Eid, the new moon tells us that its the new month, which marks the end of the old month (Ramadan), thereby telling us that its time to celebrate Eid. What I do not understand is why our community is so incapable of applying a little bit of logic to this whole process. I can't help but think that some people in our community have a little bit of the fundamentalist thinking going on.
I mean really, there is a bit of science that can be applied here. We do know when the new moon will be. But even if you didn't want to go by that, even if you didn't want to use the scientific projections of when the new moon will be, there are places like Australia for example that should see the moon before we do. So, wouldn't WE here in North America be able to at least have that to go on? Why do we have to wait around the night before to see if someone in North America has determined if the moon was sighted in this part of the world? I mean, what do we really think- that the moon, if sighted in Australia will suddenly decide to pack its bags and go on vacation to Jupiter for a day and show up on this side of the world a day late? I mean REALLY- how stupid is that? Honestly, I am ashamed to be affiliated with such stupidity. I actually had to take Thursday AND Friday off work because I was too embarrassed to admit to people that I belong to such a stupid community with such incredibly idiotic thinking. What the hell is wrong with us?
So here I am- its Thursday. I'm sitting at home, and the Toronto community stands divided yet again. Half of Toronto is celebrating Eid today and the other half has decided to celebrate tomorrow. My family is celebrating tomorrow and my friends are celebrating today. This is idiotic, and our community is made up of a bunch of moronic fools. How incredibly embarrassing.
On the bright side, this did give me the opportunity to spend some one on one time with my daughter. I dropped my son off to school and was on my way to drop my daughter off when I suddenly realized- I have the day OFF. I'm not working today. I can actually keep my daughter with me (nobody died from missing a day of junior kindergarten). She was absolutely delighted when I made the suggestion. She was telling my mom that this is a special mommy and daughter day. Silver lining amidst a stupid process :-)
Another great thing is that today is actually a beautiful day outside. My daughter and I went for a walk, hand in hand, and she found a ladybug. She was so excited with her new "friend" that I couldn't help to marvel at how adorable she was. I guess that's the good part- in the middle of all this frustration, I get to spend some quality time with my little princess. This is what really matters. So, for today, I'm going to forget about my frustration with the community, forget about my ex, forget about tomorrow's upcoming family visit, and focus on today. Today, I get a whole day to spend with this angel. Now there's an Eid gift, just for me. An opportunity to smile, an opportunity to be happy, an opportunity to be reassured once again, that I'm doing the best I can, and that everything will be ok. I can still hear my daughter's song from this morning ringing in my head. "Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me"....
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Dreading the Holiday
I mentioned a couple of days ago that Eid was coming up this Friday. Eid marks the end of Ramadan and its festivities are equivalent to Christmas for Muslims. I've taken Thursday and Friday off this week to celebrate with my family, as this Eid is a very significant one for me, because its my first Eid on my own with the children. I wanted everything to be great. I wanted to have a good time for the children. I wanted to be a good mother. But to be honest, as the day gets closer and closer, I'm starting to dread it more and more.
There are two things that are bothering me. One is the co-ordination with the children and my ex, and the other is meeting with extended family and friends and having to face the overbearing judgment of an incredibly nosy and unforgiving community. To be honest, I'm not sure which is worse.
I'm trying to be the best mother I can be. I'm trying to be fair to my children. I do not want to go to my grave one day knowing that I played mind games with them or hurt their relationship with their father in any way. I cannot and will not be responsible for that. The problem is, my intense desire to avoid any and all situations that can potentially cause me guilt also ends up making me a massive sucker, and I feel like I get pushed around way too much. The question is, how do you learn the difference between having a backbone, and going overboard? Its a very fine line.
Case and point-naturally, my ex wants to see the children for Eid. And even though Eid falls on a day that is technically mine (a weekday), I wouldn't dream of keeping them from him or his family. I actually gave him the choice- afternoon or evening. Since his family was having a family lunch, I requested that my family meet for a family dinner. That way, the children would get to spend the morning with their dad's family, and the evening with mine. I will get the children back at 3pm. I think that was fair, and reasonable.
Well, as it turns out, apparently, I'm not reasonable enough. You see, my children are enrolled in hockey. And while its a great sport, its also a big commitment for me and my ex. They play on Monday nights, Saturday mornings (practice) and again on Sunday morning. This week, because of Halloween, they missed the Monday game, and because of my daughter's upcoming birthday party, they will miss the Sunday game. So I get this email from my ex DEMANDING that I ensure that the children go to bed early (like 7pm) on Friday night so he can take them to hockey on Saturday morning. OK- Unless I'm missing something, he's nuts. I told him that it was unreasonable, that he would have the children all morning, and that my parents dinner party started at 6pm. He actually had the nerve to email me and tell me that I'm an irresponsible mother, and that hockey was more important than yet another evening with my family. Apparently, the children see enough of my family as it is, so seeing them yet again, religious holiday or not is an example of me going overboard and not respecting my responsibilities to their scheduled activities.
I'm not trying to air all my dirty laundry here, but honestly, I have enough guilt in my life, and enough hassle. I really don't need any more. I don't need to be told that I'm a bad mother, or that I'm selfish. I don't need to be told that I don't care about the children, or that I can't prioritize. I think its more than reasonable to think that its ok for the kids to miss a game on what is the equivalent of Christmas weekend. Yet, I'm somehow made to feel like crap. And it didn't end there. I got a ton of harassing emails today. My girlfriend at the office (awesome friend!), actually asked me what was wrong, and when I told her, she advised me to stop reading his emails and ignore him. "He's crazy, you're not- ignore him"...And she's right. But, this is a very delicate balance for me. I'm just adjusting to my new life, and I can't have these intrusions and arguments. I'm the person who gets physically ill from any form of conflict, and that would explain the intense pain I'm having today from this ulcer. Its acting up like never before.
Aside from all that, I am dreading seeing my aunt. Every time I see her (and I do avoid seeing her), she gives me this lecture about what a selfish horrible mother I am, and how I've ruined my children's lives by wrecking the home and walking out on my ex. Well, it wasn't quite like that. I'm not about to divulge the details of why I left, but rest assured, it was not a small thing. Use your imagination, people, I'm sure you can figure some of it out- the guy was after all, bipolar. But, given that I have two children, and I truly don't want them to grow up hating their dad, I avoid talking about our personal issues, not to protect him, but to protect the children. As a result, I have to deal with comments like "we dream of guys like that for our daughters and you had one and walked away- maybe you're too demanding, maybe you have your priorities messed up, maybe this high Western divorce culture has gone to your head". Yeah right lady. This is a total cakewalk. I did this because its the easy way out. This is exactly the life I wanted. Take a hike - and leave me the hell alone. I love my immediate family. Its THEIR family that I cannot stand.
So, here I am. Waiting for Friday to come and go. Wondering how to avoid my aunt and her stupid comments. Wondering how I can avoid yet another argument with my ex where he takes a sledgehammer to my self esteem. I'm tired today, and a little fed up. I'm sorry if my tone is not that upbeat, but I'm really really tired of all this. Sometimes, I wish I could build a little hut somewhere away from everyone else and just start over. This new home was supposed to be my hut away from everyone, and then my ex found out where I was living and rented a place a minute walk from here. Yes, you heard me correctly. I said a minute. And yes, I said walk. Total stalker.
Anyhow, I know I'll survive this. I've come this far. I know I'll get through, after all, I can always wear earplugs around my aunt and pretend that I fell off the face of the earth when my ex emails (although...A walk by my home, and he'd know better)....But anyhow, there are ways to get by. This is one of them. I used to keep everything bottled up and act like it was ok. I've now recognized that I cannot do that. It just makes me ill, and hurts my health. I need to get this stuff out of my system, or I'll end up losing it in the wrong place at the wrong time. Like calling a vendor a "bad, bad vendor". Yes I did that. No I'm not proud of it. By I got through thanks to some great friends who tried to downplay my errors and mistakes.
OK- I'm going to get through this, as always. My rant is over. Man- my kingdom for an isolated hut! :-)
There are two things that are bothering me. One is the co-ordination with the children and my ex, and the other is meeting with extended family and friends and having to face the overbearing judgment of an incredibly nosy and unforgiving community. To be honest, I'm not sure which is worse.
I'm trying to be the best mother I can be. I'm trying to be fair to my children. I do not want to go to my grave one day knowing that I played mind games with them or hurt their relationship with their father in any way. I cannot and will not be responsible for that. The problem is, my intense desire to avoid any and all situations that can potentially cause me guilt also ends up making me a massive sucker, and I feel like I get pushed around way too much. The question is, how do you learn the difference between having a backbone, and going overboard? Its a very fine line.
Case and point-naturally, my ex wants to see the children for Eid. And even though Eid falls on a day that is technically mine (a weekday), I wouldn't dream of keeping them from him or his family. I actually gave him the choice- afternoon or evening. Since his family was having a family lunch, I requested that my family meet for a family dinner. That way, the children would get to spend the morning with their dad's family, and the evening with mine. I will get the children back at 3pm. I think that was fair, and reasonable.
Well, as it turns out, apparently, I'm not reasonable enough. You see, my children are enrolled in hockey. And while its a great sport, its also a big commitment for me and my ex. They play on Monday nights, Saturday mornings (practice) and again on Sunday morning. This week, because of Halloween, they missed the Monday game, and because of my daughter's upcoming birthday party, they will miss the Sunday game. So I get this email from my ex DEMANDING that I ensure that the children go to bed early (like 7pm) on Friday night so he can take them to hockey on Saturday morning. OK- Unless I'm missing something, he's nuts. I told him that it was unreasonable, that he would have the children all morning, and that my parents dinner party started at 6pm. He actually had the nerve to email me and tell me that I'm an irresponsible mother, and that hockey was more important than yet another evening with my family. Apparently, the children see enough of my family as it is, so seeing them yet again, religious holiday or not is an example of me going overboard and not respecting my responsibilities to their scheduled activities.
I'm not trying to air all my dirty laundry here, but honestly, I have enough guilt in my life, and enough hassle. I really don't need any more. I don't need to be told that I'm a bad mother, or that I'm selfish. I don't need to be told that I don't care about the children, or that I can't prioritize. I think its more than reasonable to think that its ok for the kids to miss a game on what is the equivalent of Christmas weekend. Yet, I'm somehow made to feel like crap. And it didn't end there. I got a ton of harassing emails today. My girlfriend at the office (awesome friend!), actually asked me what was wrong, and when I told her, she advised me to stop reading his emails and ignore him. "He's crazy, you're not- ignore him"...And she's right. But, this is a very delicate balance for me. I'm just adjusting to my new life, and I can't have these intrusions and arguments. I'm the person who gets physically ill from any form of conflict, and that would explain the intense pain I'm having today from this ulcer. Its acting up like never before.
Aside from all that, I am dreading seeing my aunt. Every time I see her (and I do avoid seeing her), she gives me this lecture about what a selfish horrible mother I am, and how I've ruined my children's lives by wrecking the home and walking out on my ex. Well, it wasn't quite like that. I'm not about to divulge the details of why I left, but rest assured, it was not a small thing. Use your imagination, people, I'm sure you can figure some of it out- the guy was after all, bipolar. But, given that I have two children, and I truly don't want them to grow up hating their dad, I avoid talking about our personal issues, not to protect him, but to protect the children. As a result, I have to deal with comments like "we dream of guys like that for our daughters and you had one and walked away- maybe you're too demanding, maybe you have your priorities messed up, maybe this high Western divorce culture has gone to your head". Yeah right lady. This is a total cakewalk. I did this because its the easy way out. This is exactly the life I wanted. Take a hike - and leave me the hell alone. I love my immediate family. Its THEIR family that I cannot stand.
So, here I am. Waiting for Friday to come and go. Wondering how to avoid my aunt and her stupid comments. Wondering how I can avoid yet another argument with my ex where he takes a sledgehammer to my self esteem. I'm tired today, and a little fed up. I'm sorry if my tone is not that upbeat, but I'm really really tired of all this. Sometimes, I wish I could build a little hut somewhere away from everyone else and just start over. This new home was supposed to be my hut away from everyone, and then my ex found out where I was living and rented a place a minute walk from here. Yes, you heard me correctly. I said a minute. And yes, I said walk. Total stalker.
Anyhow, I know I'll survive this. I've come this far. I know I'll get through, after all, I can always wear earplugs around my aunt and pretend that I fell off the face of the earth when my ex emails (although...A walk by my home, and he'd know better)....But anyhow, there are ways to get by. This is one of them. I used to keep everything bottled up and act like it was ok. I've now recognized that I cannot do that. It just makes me ill, and hurts my health. I need to get this stuff out of my system, or I'll end up losing it in the wrong place at the wrong time. Like calling a vendor a "bad, bad vendor". Yes I did that. No I'm not proud of it. By I got through thanks to some great friends who tried to downplay my errors and mistakes.
OK- I'm going to get through this, as always. My rant is over. Man- my kingdom for an isolated hut! :-)
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