At least, I hope it`s just a sprain...I`m still waiting for the x-ray results...should know in an hour or so.
I was running to catch the train yesterday and I took a flip. I thought I`d just shake it off...so I went to work. By the end of the day, my ankle was the size of a huge tree trunk and I could not stand on it. Serves me right for being so dumb!
Anyhow, the most fortunate thing in the world is that I have a flexible job. I can work from just about anywhere so I spent today with my leg up, iced and on pain killers. Yaay for pain killers!
On the children`s front, let`s see how things go. I spoke to the CAS and they have basically confirmed that after all the stunts my ex has pulled, he does not have a hope in hell for joint custody, for more access or anything like that.
My lawyer always said that if you give a man enough rope, he will hang himself...Thankfully, I think she was right.
Things on the CAS front should taper off in a month or so.
Regarding my ex, he still emails me, calls me, stalks me. His last call was basically to tell me that he refuses to work with CAS and will only see the kids if I give him joint custody. I said no, he said the kids will grow up without a dad and it will be my fault. I told him he was a jerk for abandoning the kids and then threatening me over it.
Then a week later he tried emailing my son, on his school account, again. Sigh. My son will not reply. He is afraid of his father. I think my ex believes that if he can start communication with the kids outside the CAS he can somehow bypass them completely. Fat chance. He needs to do what makes the kids feel safe. And he needs to understand that this is not about his needs, it`s about the kids and their needs.
I wonder if once they grow up- will they realize how much I went out of my way to keep them safe, or will they take it all for granted?
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Monday, May 07, 2012
Stalking the Kids
I think my ex is getting just a bit crazier every day. Since he has had no contact with the children, and refused to work with the CAS, he basically doesn't get to see them. It has been peaceful for awhile, but he recently resorted to trying to reach out to the kids on his own. For example, he sent my son an email at his school account. I think he thought he would pull a fast one on all of us. He didn't realize that the kids don't want anything to do with him, especially since he refused to work with CAS. So my son, being the smart kid that he is, called me from school to tell me about the email. He was very upset. I told him we would talk about it when he came home.
When he got home, I asked how he wanted to handle it. His solution: Do nothing. No reply, don't even acknowledge it. I'm not surprised. That's kind of been my approach. He must be my son.
So next, my ex tells his niece to give messages to my son at school. This really upset my son, and put him in a position where not only does he see his dad for the freak that he is, but he is in a spot where he debated breaking ties with his cousin. I told him that this may not be the best approach. I told him to talk to his cousin and express how he feels. So he went back to school and told his cousin not to give him any more messages from his dad.
The interesting thing about all this is that my ex is his own worst enemy. He's basically making the kids hate him. His one chance was to work with the CAS, but he gave them a boot.
My lawyer was right. She always said "give a man enough rope and he will hang himself". All I've had to do is let things unfold on their own. The kids are running the show here. But they seem to be doing just fine.
It's the first time that I have been able to breathe through the insanity.
My babies are growing up...
When he got home, I asked how he wanted to handle it. His solution: Do nothing. No reply, don't even acknowledge it. I'm not surprised. That's kind of been my approach. He must be my son.
So next, my ex tells his niece to give messages to my son at school. This really upset my son, and put him in a position where not only does he see his dad for the freak that he is, but he is in a spot where he debated breaking ties with his cousin. I told him that this may not be the best approach. I told him to talk to his cousin and express how he feels. So he went back to school and told his cousin not to give him any more messages from his dad.
The interesting thing about all this is that my ex is his own worst enemy. He's basically making the kids hate him. His one chance was to work with the CAS, but he gave them a boot.
My lawyer was right. She always said "give a man enough rope and he will hang himself". All I've had to do is let things unfold on their own. The kids are running the show here. But they seem to be doing just fine.
It's the first time that I have been able to breathe through the insanity.
My babies are growing up...
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
The Gratitude Journal
I started a gratitude journal a few weeks ago. A friend told me that it would give me perspective and help me learn to appreciate all the good I have in my life. So I took her advice, and I have to say, it was a fab idea.
I'm not saying it instantly makes everything better- we still have problems, and I have more than my fair share,and candidly, they just seem to be getting bigger. But when you spend 5 mins a day being thankful for our blessings, the problems feel just a slight bit more manageable.
For example, when Dr. Clive passed away, I forced myself to write in the journal. I was grateful to have known such an incredible human being. I was grateful to have been blessed enough to have him in my life. And I was grateful to have had him in my life as long as he was with us. The process of writing in the journal made me feel a whole lot better.
I also found that the more I stuck to the routine of "counting my blessings" the more I realized just how many blessings I have. As much as I do have my share of garbage to deal with, I also have a lot to be thankful for.
So today, I am grateful for my gratitude journal, and for the friend who encouraged me to write in it. :)
I'm not saying it instantly makes everything better- we still have problems, and I have more than my fair share,and candidly, they just seem to be getting bigger. But when you spend 5 mins a day being thankful for our blessings, the problems feel just a slight bit more manageable.
For example, when Dr. Clive passed away, I forced myself to write in the journal. I was grateful to have known such an incredible human being. I was grateful to have been blessed enough to have him in my life. And I was grateful to have had him in my life as long as he was with us. The process of writing in the journal made me feel a whole lot better.
I also found that the more I stuck to the routine of "counting my blessings" the more I realized just how many blessings I have. As much as I do have my share of garbage to deal with, I also have a lot to be thankful for.
So today, I am grateful for my gratitude journal, and for the friend who encouraged me to write in it. :)
Sunday, April 15, 2012
In 5 Years...
I bought a new car in February. Nothing fancy. A little Mazda 3, but it's a cute peppy little car. When I bought it, I remember telling one of my friends "It's not the BMW I wanted, but I can't afford that car right now. Maybe I will sell this in 3 years and get my BMW".
My friend's response- You will do no such thing. He said "You do realize that in 5 years' time, your son will be just going to college and will need a new car. I think you should hold onto this one for 5 years so you can pass it down to him".
My reaction- complete shock. I mean, he is only 12 years old. I never thought about college. That's such a big-boy thing. I can't even imagine high school. I was completely frozen when he said it.
My son's reaction (he was in earshot)- Yeah! This is MY CAR!!!
Kids.
The upside- he is taking really good care of the car. He is the first to clean the inside, to tell his sister "don't eat in my car!" and to remind me when we need to car wash it so it keeps well.
Too funny. Well, that's silver lining for you.
My friend's response- You will do no such thing. He said "You do realize that in 5 years' time, your son will be just going to college and will need a new car. I think you should hold onto this one for 5 years so you can pass it down to him".
My reaction- complete shock. I mean, he is only 12 years old. I never thought about college. That's such a big-boy thing. I can't even imagine high school. I was completely frozen when he said it.
My son's reaction (he was in earshot)- Yeah! This is MY CAR!!!
Kids.
The upside- he is taking really good care of the car. He is the first to clean the inside, to tell his sister "don't eat in my car!" and to remind me when we need to car wash it so it keeps well.
Too funny. Well, that's silver lining for you.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Still a Deadbeat...
Once a deadbeat, always a deadbeat.
So here is what I don't get...why does our legal system allow for a proven asshole to keep showing his assholeness while the great parents (like myself) continue to deal with the garbage, without an end in sight?
My ex has basically refused to work with the CAS. He has told them that they have no business being involved in our family. And he hung up on them. And then he called me with an ultimatum. Either I bypass the CAS, give him 50/50 custody and 50/50 access or he will refuse to see the children ever again.
Seriously - WTF?
The kids have told him that they are afraid to see him unsupervised. They have told him they do not want to live with him 50% of the time. Yet he basically is following through on his original threat - he is having another child with his new wife (yes you read correctly- the baby is due in the beginning of June), and he has basically followed through on his original threat. He wants the children to comply to his 50/50 demands or he will start a new family and never see them again.
A serious grade A jerk. And the messed up thing...he thinks he is father of the year. I just don't get it. People are really really stupid.
While given the circumstances, the children are probably better off without the instability from their father, I know this will be difficult for them, and my heart bleeds for them. I wish I could take all their sorrows and deal with them on my children's behalf.
Needless to say, all this is very emotionally disturbing for the children. I am trying to keep them positive, and I am reminding myself (and the children) that after hardship always comes ease. This may not feel fair at this time, but God is the master planner, and there is always a reason for everything. This will all be for the better, and one day they will understand why. But today is not that day.
Hoping this will eventually lead to a more stable life for my babies....yes, I know they are 12 and 10, but they will always be babies to me.
So here is what I don't get...why does our legal system allow for a proven asshole to keep showing his assholeness while the great parents (like myself) continue to deal with the garbage, without an end in sight?
My ex has basically refused to work with the CAS. He has told them that they have no business being involved in our family. And he hung up on them. And then he called me with an ultimatum. Either I bypass the CAS, give him 50/50 custody and 50/50 access or he will refuse to see the children ever again.
Seriously - WTF?
The kids have told him that they are afraid to see him unsupervised. They have told him they do not want to live with him 50% of the time. Yet he basically is following through on his original threat - he is having another child with his new wife (yes you read correctly- the baby is due in the beginning of June), and he has basically followed through on his original threat. He wants the children to comply to his 50/50 demands or he will start a new family and never see them again.
A serious grade A jerk. And the messed up thing...he thinks he is father of the year. I just don't get it. People are really really stupid.
While given the circumstances, the children are probably better off without the instability from their father, I know this will be difficult for them, and my heart bleeds for them. I wish I could take all their sorrows and deal with them on my children's behalf.
Needless to say, all this is very emotionally disturbing for the children. I am trying to keep them positive, and I am reminding myself (and the children) that after hardship always comes ease. This may not feel fair at this time, but God is the master planner, and there is always a reason for everything. This will all be for the better, and one day they will understand why. But today is not that day.
Hoping this will eventually lead to a more stable life for my babies....yes, I know they are 12 and 10, but they will always be babies to me.
Thursday, April 05, 2012
Saying Goodbye to Dr. Clive
My good friends know how special Dr. Clive was in our lives. I wrote about him in an earlier post. He was our MD. I met him when I was 2 years old, 38 years ago, and he has been with our family for the entire 38 years. While our relationship with him was strictly professional, and he was a very serious professional (he maintained confidentiality at all times, never stepped outside of proper medical practice, never misrepresented anything), I can honestly say that I would never have made it this far without him. He is the person who held me up. When I was married and went in with the bruises on my face, he documented them, despite my begging him not to. I was so afraid that my then-husband would find out that I had a paper trail on the bruises, I begged him not to write anything down. He told me as a professional he had to, and he told me I would thank him later. And I did. He had so much wisdom.
He watched my life unfold. He was there when I started kinder-garden, when I moved on through school into high school. He was there when I first met my ex. He watched me get married, have children, go through my divorce, and he encouraged me as I struggled through rebuilding my life. He is the MD for my children, my grandparents, my parents, uncles, aunts, siblings. He counseled me. He let me cry on his shoulder for half an hour at a time and never rushed me. He gave me a hug every time I left his office and he reassured me that I would get through this, that I am a strong girl, that I am a great mother, and that one day, I would learn to love and trust again. And even during my many rants about how horrible my ex was, he would remind me that yes horrible things happened to me, and yes, he was not right for me, but that mental illness is not that clear cut and that while I shouldn't spend my life with an abusive man, and while I should continue to protect my children, I should still always wish well for my ex, because some of this is his mental illness acting out. What a kind, patient, and loving human being.
A week and a half ago, Dr. Clive passed away unexpectedly. He had a heart attack. I found out the day after the funeral, and I have been devastated ever since. I haven't told the children, I couldn't do it, because they absolutely adore him. And for me, this leaves a massive void. You see, yes he was a professional, and yes it was a professional relationship. But Dr. Clive was an honest man, a good man, and despite everything, he still demonstrated the incredible ability to act honorably.
Most of all- he gave me hope that there could be a few good men left in the world. That not all men hurt people and break hearts. That not all men are driven by greed. I haven't met many great men, I can probably only name a handful of them, but he definitely was one, and that itself was inspiring.
I started a gratitude journal a few weeks ago. And on the night that I heard of his passing, at first, I had no desire to write in it. I felt miserable. I cried for days. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. And then I forced myself to do it, if nothing else, to honor the man that gave me so much guidance and perspective in life. And the things I was thankful for that night were:
He watched my life unfold. He was there when I started kinder-garden, when I moved on through school into high school. He was there when I first met my ex. He watched me get married, have children, go through my divorce, and he encouraged me as I struggled through rebuilding my life. He is the MD for my children, my grandparents, my parents, uncles, aunts, siblings. He counseled me. He let me cry on his shoulder for half an hour at a time and never rushed me. He gave me a hug every time I left his office and he reassured me that I would get through this, that I am a strong girl, that I am a great mother, and that one day, I would learn to love and trust again. And even during my many rants about how horrible my ex was, he would remind me that yes horrible things happened to me, and yes, he was not right for me, but that mental illness is not that clear cut and that while I shouldn't spend my life with an abusive man, and while I should continue to protect my children, I should still always wish well for my ex, because some of this is his mental illness acting out. What a kind, patient, and loving human being.
A week and a half ago, Dr. Clive passed away unexpectedly. He had a heart attack. I found out the day after the funeral, and I have been devastated ever since. I haven't told the children, I couldn't do it, because they absolutely adore him. And for me, this leaves a massive void. You see, yes he was a professional, and yes it was a professional relationship. But Dr. Clive was an honest man, a good man, and despite everything, he still demonstrated the incredible ability to act honorably.
Most of all- he gave me hope that there could be a few good men left in the world. That not all men hurt people and break hearts. That not all men are driven by greed. I haven't met many great men, I can probably only name a handful of them, but he definitely was one, and that itself was inspiring.
I started a gratitude journal a few weeks ago. And on the night that I heard of his passing, at first, I had no desire to write in it. I felt miserable. I cried for days. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. And then I forced myself to do it, if nothing else, to honor the man that gave me so much guidance and perspective in life. And the things I was thankful for that night were:
- That I was blessed enough to know such an honorable, honest man, and to have him in our lives for 38 years.
- That Dr. Clive was able to help me and my children in such a profound way- while he felt bad for my ex's mental situation, he took the responsibility of writing to the courts and informing them of how dangerous he was towards me and the children.
- That I was able to make it through my most difficult years because of the support of people like Dr. Clive and other professionals.
- That God loved me and blessed me with support. He did not leave me on my own.
Goodbye Dr. Clive. We love you. And we hope you are in a better place. God Bless.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Away from their Dad
The kids haven't seen their dad in about 3 months time. After standing up to him in December and telling him that it was not OK for him to stress them out and boss them around, they asked to have some space from him. I think he took that as a slap in the face. I think he expected them to take his side. And his response- no contact. No phone calls, no requests to patch up a relationship. He even refused to meet with the CAS. My understanding is that the CAS is continuing to reach out to him. He told them in December that he doesn't want anything to do with the children.
The next thing- an email he sent to me saying that he is basically not mentally well, and that he is unable to pay child support because he is not employed. I was married to the deadbeat, so it's not unlike him to shirk out of financial responsibilities.
Not the biggest surprise. I'm guessing this was always about money. He never cared for anything except eliminating the child support. I doubt he ever seriously wanted more time with the children. I guess if he didn't get it one way, and now that the children have refused to see him, he's trying to get it another way.
For the moment, I'm enjoying the peace. It's financially difficult, but let's face it, he always was a deadbeat dad. I think my next step will be to register with the family responsibility office.
Never a dull moment. What a sack of dirt.
The next thing- an email he sent to me saying that he is basically not mentally well, and that he is unable to pay child support because he is not employed. I was married to the deadbeat, so it's not unlike him to shirk out of financial responsibilities.
Not the biggest surprise. I'm guessing this was always about money. He never cared for anything except eliminating the child support. I doubt he ever seriously wanted more time with the children. I guess if he didn't get it one way, and now that the children have refused to see him, he's trying to get it another way.
For the moment, I'm enjoying the peace. It's financially difficult, but let's face it, he always was a deadbeat dad. I think my next step will be to register with the family responsibility office.
Never a dull moment. What a sack of dirt.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
40 Already?
On the other hand, I had a few not so nice people remind me that it "only goes downhill from here", that "gravity kicks in" at 40, and oh yes, my personal favorite "it's been 8 years since your divorce- when will live ever be stable?" ---seriously? Have you seen my asshole ex? Cut me some slack here.
Anyhow, trying to ignore the negativity...trying to be positive.
On a really positive note, my sister threw me one heck of a diva birthday party. That was pretty darned fabulous. It was a dinner with the diva women around me, the ones I have come to love and adore. It was great to have all that lovely female support on a day when I really needed it. There was a reason that party was for women only. It was a lovely reminder of the strength and power we gain from the sisterhood of women. God bless each and every one of them.
Thursday, December 01, 2011
CAS Episode #4
At least, I think it's #4. I've seriously lost count. It's been years of the same crap over and over again. I think it's part of life for me. My ex is such a jerk, and no matter what he does, he will never get better. The man needs a personality transplant. And since those are not available, maybe a lobotomy.
So, the social worker was here. He just left. He interviewed the children for an hour. He's going to call my ex tomorrow. Let's see what happens. But judging by the past, I'm not optimistic at all. If nothing else, this is just going to piss him off more, which means the kids are even more at risk.
The therapist called them. I agreed with her decision (don't have much of a choice). And to be honest, it's probably for the best. Best case scenario, the children will have CAS supervised visits. That would be really great. Worse case scenario, they do nothing. That would really bite.
Kids are stressed. I'm stressed. Haven't been sleeping for an entire week. God help me.
Sometimes I just hate my life.
So, the social worker was here. He just left. He interviewed the children for an hour. He's going to call my ex tomorrow. Let's see what happens. But judging by the past, I'm not optimistic at all. If nothing else, this is just going to piss him off more, which means the kids are even more at risk.
The therapist called them. I agreed with her decision (don't have much of a choice). And to be honest, it's probably for the best. Best case scenario, the children will have CAS supervised visits. That would be really great. Worse case scenario, they do nothing. That would really bite.
Kids are stressed. I'm stressed. Haven't been sleeping for an entire week. God help me.
Sometimes I just hate my life.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Day off School
The kids were too scared to go to school. They were afraid that their dad would come and try to pick them up in the middle of the day, and then they would have no choice but to go with him, in order to avoid a big scene. I wanted to argue back, but to be honest, they made a lot of sense. So I kept them home.
Of course, it's not a sustainable strategy by any means. But it did serve two purposes. One- the immediate one- he wouldn't come and pick them up randomly. And two- it gave the children a chance to calm down.
My son said something that felt like deja vu. I said the exact same words when I was married to my ex. He said, "When dad is good, he's really good. But when he's bad, he's the worst ever. The problem is you don't know which dad you're going to see on which day". That pretty much sums it up.
My daughter said her dad was the type to get really pissed off one day and come and kill everyone, children, ex wife, all 3 of us. And yet the system doesn't help us.
Today has been a surprisingly calm day. He hasn't phoned for the kids, he hasn't emailed or texted me, I didn't hear from his lawyer and I didn't get a call from the police dept. No attempts were made to pick up the kids either. It's like the calm before the storm. I was telling my girlfriend, my ex is smart. He won't do anything today. It's too predictable. He's the type to come out one day out of the blue and go nuts.
Getting through the weekend....
Of course, it's not a sustainable strategy by any means. But it did serve two purposes. One- the immediate one- he wouldn't come and pick them up randomly. And two- it gave the children a chance to calm down.
My son said something that felt like deja vu. I said the exact same words when I was married to my ex. He said, "When dad is good, he's really good. But when he's bad, he's the worst ever. The problem is you don't know which dad you're going to see on which day". That pretty much sums it up.
My daughter said her dad was the type to get really pissed off one day and come and kill everyone, children, ex wife, all 3 of us. And yet the system doesn't help us.
Today has been a surprisingly calm day. He hasn't phoned for the kids, he hasn't emailed or texted me, I didn't hear from his lawyer and I didn't get a call from the police dept. No attempts were made to pick up the kids either. It's like the calm before the storm. I was telling my girlfriend, my ex is smart. He won't do anything today. It's too predictable. He's the type to come out one day out of the blue and go nuts.
Getting through the weekend....
Home with the Kids
The kids didn't want to go to school today. Can't say that I blame them. My solution, let's take a "fun day" to get our minds off things.
So I took the children to their therapist on Wed. Got an appt in the middle of the day, so I had to take the kids out of school (it hasn't been the best week for school, their concentration is shot). I love their therapist. She is so awesome with children it's unreal.
The solution she gave them was a tough one though. She told them that they had to learn to stand up for themselves, that this is a skill they will need throughout life. That they cannot let themselves be pushed around. She said they needed to feel empowered, and asked what their ideal solution would be. The children said they wanted some space from dad for a little while, and then they could start seeing him again when they feel safe. So she showed them how to get what they want and feel empowered by the process.
Her solution was that they should call their father and tell him how they feel. My son was very brave and strong and handled the situation very well. He said "Dad, I love you, but lately you've been really scary. You've been threatening us, and it's not OK, and we don't feel safe at your home. So we want to take some time to feel less stressed and scared and when we are ready we will see you again. We don't want you to be angry and move away from us, but if that's what you decide to do, it's your choice".
And then he hung up the phone and cried. My heart bled for him. They say whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I'm sure this experience will make him stronger one day, but it killed me to watch.
Dad's response when he called back: "Your mother is manipulating you, and I intend to pick you up on Friday. We will talk in person".
I thought I was going to throw up. I can only imagine how my son felt. This was not part of his preparation by the doctor.
His response was calm and bang on. "I'm sorry dad. I don't think you're listening. We don't want to spend time with you on Friday and we won't be coming. I don't want to argue with you about this".
Poor kid. Honestly, I was so stressed watching this unfold.
Now the new problem. What if he shows up with the police? So yesterday I went to the police station. Turns out that given the circumstances, he won't be able to force me to hand the children over. I am, after all, the custodial parent (thank GOD), and I do have the rights to act in the children's best interests. (Thank GOD again).
In the meantime, the therapist has called the CAS...and they will be coming out next week to speak to the children. In the grand scheme of things, this is probably a good thing, since it will help by giving the children the support and safety that they need.
Poor kids :( They slept with me in my bed the last 2 nights. My daughter cries in her sleep and my son shouts out in his sleep and wakes up in a fright. I know that feeling. I had those nightmares for years after the divorce. I had hoped my children would never go through this. Some days, it feels like no matter what I do, it can never be enough to protect them from this mess. And some days I feel like I created the mess by marrying the monster.
Sigh.
So I took the children to their therapist on Wed. Got an appt in the middle of the day, so I had to take the kids out of school (it hasn't been the best week for school, their concentration is shot). I love their therapist. She is so awesome with children it's unreal.
The solution she gave them was a tough one though. She told them that they had to learn to stand up for themselves, that this is a skill they will need throughout life. That they cannot let themselves be pushed around. She said they needed to feel empowered, and asked what their ideal solution would be. The children said they wanted some space from dad for a little while, and then they could start seeing him again when they feel safe. So she showed them how to get what they want and feel empowered by the process.
Her solution was that they should call their father and tell him how they feel. My son was very brave and strong and handled the situation very well. He said "Dad, I love you, but lately you've been really scary. You've been threatening us, and it's not OK, and we don't feel safe at your home. So we want to take some time to feel less stressed and scared and when we are ready we will see you again. We don't want you to be angry and move away from us, but if that's what you decide to do, it's your choice".
And then he hung up the phone and cried. My heart bled for him. They say whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I'm sure this experience will make him stronger one day, but it killed me to watch.
Dad's response when he called back: "Your mother is manipulating you, and I intend to pick you up on Friday. We will talk in person".
I thought I was going to throw up. I can only imagine how my son felt. This was not part of his preparation by the doctor.
His response was calm and bang on. "I'm sorry dad. I don't think you're listening. We don't want to spend time with you on Friday and we won't be coming. I don't want to argue with you about this".
Poor kid. Honestly, I was so stressed watching this unfold.
Now the new problem. What if he shows up with the police? So yesterday I went to the police station. Turns out that given the circumstances, he won't be able to force me to hand the children over. I am, after all, the custodial parent (thank GOD), and I do have the rights to act in the children's best interests. (Thank GOD again).
In the meantime, the therapist has called the CAS...and they will be coming out next week to speak to the children. In the grand scheme of things, this is probably a good thing, since it will help by giving the children the support and safety that they need.
Poor kids :( They slept with me in my bed the last 2 nights. My daughter cries in her sleep and my son shouts out in his sleep and wakes up in a fright. I know that feeling. I had those nightmares for years after the divorce. I had hoped my children would never go through this. Some days, it feels like no matter what I do, it can never be enough to protect them from this mess. And some days I feel like I created the mess by marrying the monster.
Sigh.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Dirt Bag
My ex is a total complete waste. A total dirt bag. So here is his latest stunt. Apparently I am the moron who was idiotic enough (yet again) to believe that if I tried to be civil, things would be less toxic for my children.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
So the latest stunt, last night I got the kids after school and they were in tears. Apparently, their gem of a father told them that he intends to go back to court and that he intends to get 50/50 access to the children. In order to do this, they have to tell the courts that they don't want this much time with me. That they want more time with him.
The kicker...is the threat he outright gave them.
Either you agree to do this, or I will move to Morocco with my new wife, start a new family and I never want to see your faces again.
WTF??? Who the hell says that to a child? There is a special place in hell for a man like him.
So now, I have to figure out what to do with this crap. My daughter fears abandonment, and fears that if she doesn't comply it will be all her fault that her father will leave her.
Yeah, tell me these kids won't have issues in the future. SIGH.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
So the latest stunt, last night I got the kids after school and they were in tears. Apparently, their gem of a father told them that he intends to go back to court and that he intends to get 50/50 access to the children. In order to do this, they have to tell the courts that they don't want this much time with me. That they want more time with him.
The kicker...is the threat he outright gave them.
Either you agree to do this, or I will move to Morocco with my new wife, start a new family and I never want to see your faces again.
WTF??? Who the hell says that to a child? There is a special place in hell for a man like him.
So now, I have to figure out what to do with this crap. My daughter fears abandonment, and fears that if she doesn't comply it will be all her fault that her father will leave her.
Yeah, tell me these kids won't have issues in the future. SIGH.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
If you don't want me...
You are free to go. I won't allow myself to want you.
I love Oprah Winfrey.
Aside from the fact that this might sound a bit bitter, it actually isn't. Think deep down about what it really means. Many of us, especially women, we tend to chase after people (men, friends, careers) that we think we really want, but really at the end of the day, all we really want is to be loved, respected, and appreciated.
So why do we chase after something that doesn't give us these things? I think it's because we validate ourselves through the wrong things. This is one of the things that I can truly say I have consciously been trying to change. I mean, I'm guilty of it 100%. Why did I stay with an abusive man? Because somewhere deep down inside, I hoped he would get better, I wished the potential that I imagined would come through...but most of all...
I did not want to be the girl who wasn't worthy of being loved.
That girl who couldn't keep a man. That girl who was worthy only of being alone. Funny thing about fear, when you make decisions based on fear, they are never the right decisions.
Since then, men have come and gone, but the decisions around them have always been mine. They may be the right decisions, they may be the wrong decisions, but they are MY decisions.
The one I am working on now, is this one. I will not chase after that which doesn't want me back. It's a tough one, but my goal for this period. Whether it's a career, some unworthy friends, or yes, a man.
I'm feeling good about the journey.
I love Oprah Winfrey.
Aside from the fact that this might sound a bit bitter, it actually isn't. Think deep down about what it really means. Many of us, especially women, we tend to chase after people (men, friends, careers) that we think we really want, but really at the end of the day, all we really want is to be loved, respected, and appreciated.
So why do we chase after something that doesn't give us these things? I think it's because we validate ourselves through the wrong things. This is one of the things that I can truly say I have consciously been trying to change. I mean, I'm guilty of it 100%. Why did I stay with an abusive man? Because somewhere deep down inside, I hoped he would get better, I wished the potential that I imagined would come through...but most of all...
I did not want to be the girl who wasn't worthy of being loved.
That girl who couldn't keep a man. That girl who was worthy only of being alone. Funny thing about fear, when you make decisions based on fear, they are never the right decisions.
Since then, men have come and gone, but the decisions around them have always been mine. They may be the right decisions, they may be the wrong decisions, but they are MY decisions.
The one I am working on now, is this one. I will not chase after that which doesn't want me back. It's a tough one, but my goal for this period. Whether it's a career, some unworthy friends, or yes, a man.
I'm feeling good about the journey.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Trying to Work Together
So my ex and I are due back in court in Oct. However, I *think* we've decided to try to work together and see if we can avoid court for now. (Let's see how that goes- but honestly, couldn't he have tried working together BEFORE starting a court process??). My experience has always unfortunately been that he is not that trustworthy, but somehow I have allowed myself to become the world's punching bag, so here I am, agreeing to everything, and as always getting nothing in return. (Wow, that sounds really bitter, doesn't it? I didn't mean for it to be!).
I've decided to do this mostly for selfish reasons. I need some sanity in my life. I don't need to add more stress or to even deal with his constant confrontational emails. Balancing work, kids, housework is always a challenge, and if they can have a good time with their dad, I am supportive. That problem is, that's a bit IF. How do you handle an unstable person? Do you trust, or do you let your experiences guide you?
On another note (after my big rant!)- Ramadan was a bit tougher this year- the fasts were LONG and with work, they felt even longer. Fortunately, I worked from home every Thursday, and took every Friday off work. That helped a lot. I took the kids to the mosque every Friday and we even went with my parents. It was loads of fun! I am so glad I did that. The kids even kept a few fasts, because I was home on Fridays and we were able to do it together. When Ramadan ended, on the Friday of the long weekend, my daughter said "Mommy it's Friday- can we go to the mosque?". It was cute, and of course we all went- always a nice bonding experience. I guess the biggest accomplishment this Ramadan, was giving the children a bit of enjoyment and excitement around fasting and the mosque- something they didn't have before.
I've decided to do this mostly for selfish reasons. I need some sanity in my life. I don't need to add more stress or to even deal with his constant confrontational emails. Balancing work, kids, housework is always a challenge, and if they can have a good time with their dad, I am supportive. That problem is, that's a bit IF. How do you handle an unstable person? Do you trust, or do you let your experiences guide you?
On another note (after my big rant!)- Ramadan was a bit tougher this year- the fasts were LONG and with work, they felt even longer. Fortunately, I worked from home every Thursday, and took every Friday off work. That helped a lot. I took the kids to the mosque every Friday and we even went with my parents. It was loads of fun! I am so glad I did that. The kids even kept a few fasts, because I was home on Fridays and we were able to do it together. When Ramadan ended, on the Friday of the long weekend, my daughter said "Mommy it's Friday- can we go to the mosque?". It was cute, and of course we all went- always a nice bonding experience. I guess the biggest accomplishment this Ramadan, was giving the children a bit of enjoyment and excitement around fasting and the mosque- something they didn't have before.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Half Way Through Ramadan...
Ramadan comes along so quickly, and then it goes so quickly. I can't believe that it's almost half over.
This year, to make Ramadan a bit easier, I took each Friday off work. It's been nice. So far, on the first two Fridays of Ramadan, I took the kids and my parents to the mosque. They all enjoyed the custom, and I have to admit, so did I.
I've also scheduled to work from home each Thursday. With the long fasts (4:30am - 8:30pm), the train commute etc is just too much for me. So these small things have made a big difference.
My son has asked to fast, so I have let him keep 4 fasts each week (the days that I am home)- funny- he's so skinny and seems so small that I almost felt bad, but then I remember that I started when I was his age. It's all relative.
My daughter has kept 2 fasts this year. It was a big deal for her. She's a little tike, but quite the trooper. I would not have asked her to fast, as I think she's so little (that's a mom talking)- but she really wanted to try it, and I didn't want to discourage her.
Now the kids are doing their countdown to Eid. :)
This year, to make Ramadan a bit easier, I took each Friday off work. It's been nice. So far, on the first two Fridays of Ramadan, I took the kids and my parents to the mosque. They all enjoyed the custom, and I have to admit, so did I.
I've also scheduled to work from home each Thursday. With the long fasts (4:30am - 8:30pm), the train commute etc is just too much for me. So these small things have made a big difference.
My son has asked to fast, so I have let him keep 4 fasts each week (the days that I am home)- funny- he's so skinny and seems so small that I almost felt bad, but then I remember that I started when I was his age. It's all relative.
My daughter has kept 2 fasts this year. It was a big deal for her. She's a little tike, but quite the trooper. I would not have asked her to fast, as I think she's so little (that's a mom talking)- but she really wanted to try it, and I didn't want to discourage her.
Now the kids are doing their countdown to Eid. :)
Monday, July 18, 2011
Beach Therapy
I had a bit of time to think. I went to Cuba for a week. There was nothing more serene than being able to spend mornings just thinking about life while you sit at the beach alone, watching the water before anyone else has a chance to join you. I thoroghly enjoyed it. It gave me time to think about the things that matter to me most, and how I need to get that work life balance that I've been looking for. I was also, for the first time in my life, able to give myself credit for my accomplishments, and to allow myself to make a few mistakes. It was a great feeling.
Unfortunately, coming back home, I found that left side eye twitch returned within a few days (it was gone in Cuba). So clearly, something is just too stressful and my body is giving me a sign. Now I have to figure out how to peel back the layers and determine which element of my life to change- is it the housework (do I need a nanny?) Is it the commute to Toronto daily which takes about 3 hrs a day that's killing me? Is it having a corporate career that perhaps is just too much for me? I need to do a bit more soul searching, but I think I'm on my way.
I also realized just how much I miss my girlfriends. I've removed myself from everyone, and I'm not sure why I did it, but I REALLY miss them. I miss the female bonding, I miss the reassurance, and I miss their encouragement. Most of these girlfriends live so far away (Ajax/Markham/Pickering/Whitby/Barrie)- I just want to have them all here.
And Ramadan is around the corner. I want this home to be full of love, full of guests this year. I want this to be the year I bring out the girl who would have dinner parties, without stress, because she would cook a basic meal, and enjoy the time with her friends.
One more thing I decided- in Feb, when I turn 40 this upcoming year, I am going to have a diva dinner with all my close friends. It's long overdue.
Unfortunately, coming back home, I found that left side eye twitch returned within a few days (it was gone in Cuba). So clearly, something is just too stressful and my body is giving me a sign. Now I have to figure out how to peel back the layers and determine which element of my life to change- is it the housework (do I need a nanny?) Is it the commute to Toronto daily which takes about 3 hrs a day that's killing me? Is it having a corporate career that perhaps is just too much for me? I need to do a bit more soul searching, but I think I'm on my way.
I also realized just how much I miss my girlfriends. I've removed myself from everyone, and I'm not sure why I did it, but I REALLY miss them. I miss the female bonding, I miss the reassurance, and I miss their encouragement. Most of these girlfriends live so far away (Ajax/Markham/Pickering/Whitby/Barrie)- I just want to have them all here.
And Ramadan is around the corner. I want this home to be full of love, full of guests this year. I want this to be the year I bring out the girl who would have dinner parties, without stress, because she would cook a basic meal, and enjoy the time with her friends.
One more thing I decided- in Feb, when I turn 40 this upcoming year, I am going to have a diva dinner with all my close friends. It's long overdue.
Friday, July 01, 2011
My Ex's Wife
I met my ex and his wife the other day to discuss matters. I have to say, I think his wife is a Godsend. She seems really genuine (yes I could be naive, it won't be the first time), but I think I can trust her. She seems to be pretty up front about what she is trying to do- she wants the fighting to end so she doesn't have to hear about it all the time, she finds the animosity too toxic and she cannot stand that her new husband is spending all his time, energy, and money fighting an ex-wife in court. Sounds pretty honest to me.
She said she wants a peaceful life, one where she can have a life with her husband, be civil with his ex wife, and have a happy time free of courts and conflict. I can't say that I blame her.
I noticed in our discussion a couple of days back that she is very able to influence my ex. He is calmer and less confrontational when she is around. When he starts to get angry and raise his voice, she gently puts her hand on his arm, smiles at him, and his tone changes. Perhaps this is short lived, but for now, I have to wonder if maybe their personalities just match really well. Or maybe she is just good at calming conflict.
Either way, I don't want to get my hopes up too soon, but perhaps this could be the beginning of the end of some of our court conflict? We still have our court date in Oct so we have a few months to see how far things go. Let's see.
In the meantime, all of this court conflict, these court documents that have sucked all the time and life out of me, and a really insanely busy schedule at work have me totally tired out. The left side of my face has started to twitch, and this is especially scary, because it's the same symptom I had at the start of my physical breakdown, just before my left side was partly paralyzed back in 2004. I ignored the initial symptoms for weeks in 2004, and as a result I had a whole physical breakdown, resulting in a 2 week hospitalization. I simply cannot let that happen again.
And so, I've decided to take a break. The kids are with their dad for the first week of summer vacation, and I am taking this opportunity to go out of town for a week and just chill. I'm hoping to come back re-charged and ready to face the world.
Be back in a week...
She said she wants a peaceful life, one where she can have a life with her husband, be civil with his ex wife, and have a happy time free of courts and conflict. I can't say that I blame her.
I noticed in our discussion a couple of days back that she is very able to influence my ex. He is calmer and less confrontational when she is around. When he starts to get angry and raise his voice, she gently puts her hand on his arm, smiles at him, and his tone changes. Perhaps this is short lived, but for now, I have to wonder if maybe their personalities just match really well. Or maybe she is just good at calming conflict.
Either way, I don't want to get my hopes up too soon, but perhaps this could be the beginning of the end of some of our court conflict? We still have our court date in Oct so we have a few months to see how far things go. Let's see.
In the meantime, all of this court conflict, these court documents that have sucked all the time and life out of me, and a really insanely busy schedule at work have me totally tired out. The left side of my face has started to twitch, and this is especially scary, because it's the same symptom I had at the start of my physical breakdown, just before my left side was partly paralyzed back in 2004. I ignored the initial symptoms for weeks in 2004, and as a result I had a whole physical breakdown, resulting in a 2 week hospitalization. I simply cannot let that happen again.
And so, I've decided to take a break. The kids are with their dad for the first week of summer vacation, and I am taking this opportunity to go out of town for a week and just chill. I'm hoping to come back re-charged and ready to face the world.
Be back in a week...
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Playing Games
It feels like my ex is playing games, again.
He contacted me and basically requested that we try to work through our issues ourselves. The last time I checked, isn't that what people do BEFORE they start with court proceedings? I just don't get it. This court process is such a waste of time, energy, and money.
On the one hand, he wants more time with the children. On the other, he can't handle the time that he has. I wish he would understand the simple mathematics. If he could demonstrate an ability to handle the kids better, I would be happy to give him more time with the children. I mean, I would actually have some breathing time. Come on.
So we are pushing the June 24 court date out to October. The goal is to give it one last shot to come to an out-of-court agreement. Let's see how this goes.
To those of my friends who wonder where I've been lately, I'm around. Just trying to get out of my funk. Life is starting to take a real toll on me. I'm feeling mentally stressed, and I really think I just need a break. I miss my friends, and my social life. I'm feeling a bit down...
Thankfully, it's summer. The sunshine will help and I have a few things to get on track.
Isn't it funny how the people who look so well put together are the ones with the most problems?
I had an eye opener this past weekend. I had a friend in town from Kuwait. I haven't seen her for 7 years. It was lovely to see her after so long, and at the same time, I needed a bit of a smackdown, and I'm glad she gave it to me. She watched me working in my house and basically said that I haven't changed in 7 years. I worked myself to the bone when I was married, to the point of a stress attack that put me in the hospital. And she says I'm still doing it. And she's right. I still push myself too hard, I still keep myself isolated and I still try to do everything on my own and be superwoman. Here I was thinking that everything has changed- and why the logistics have (I am divorced and on my own)- my core hasn't. I am still driving myself to exhaustion.
By the time she left, she insisted that I find someone to help in my home. Someone to cook/clean/and get the kids out the door in the morning. Not a full time nanny, but a couple of hours of day. If anyone knows someone I can use, let me know! I think it's time.
Monday, May 02, 2011
Thursday will be Day 1 in Court....Again
I cannot believe how insane it is that I am back to square one again. Have you ever felt totally completely alone, like nobody in the world understands?
I feel like my network has watched this so many times over, that history keeps repeating itself. I wonder where the justice is, and yet I feel like an ingrate for wondering, because really I have received so much to be thankful for, and truthfully, I have no right to complain. God has been too kind to me already, and I have no right to question the difficult times. I have, after all been blessed with more than my share. I guess it's only fitting that I endure some hardships as well. I want to say 'why me', but really, why not me?
I guess the best summary is that I feel like I'm in a bit of a confused state. I mean, who wouldn't? I'm tired, ragged, and need a break. I am, after all, the good parent. I'm the one who supports my kids, loves them, hugs them, tries to keep them safe.
The other day, my daughter was complaining that life was so hard. Why does she have to come from a divorced home? Why couldn't she have a normal life or at least a normal father. And then here is the kicker...my son replies "we have a mother that is better than most mothers in the world. She more than makes up for dad. Be happy with what we have".
Have I mentioned that I adore my kids?
I think that is what keeps me going. My love for my children. I adore them. I'm glad they are a part of my life. I will fight tooth and nail for them. But I am also getting tired. And I feel sometimes like I am going to die fighting this fight, like this will never end. That it will haunt me for life.
He is, ever all, bipolar, and this is the nature of the beast. He will forever go through his cycles, and I am forever condemned to ride the waves with him. As long as the children are children. And when their innocence is over, the waves might stop.
Then again...who knows, maybe these waves won't ever stop. Ironic that I thought a divorce would end the pain. It didn't end it, just lessened it, and gave it a new face. A few days ago, I was lying in bed and realized the scary reality...this is NEVER going to end. He's going to haunt me until the day I die. Until death do us part. Because there is a part of him that is pure evil and wants to get even with me. There is a clinically psychotic side that will not ever let me breathe. Even when he remarries, he will focus on revenge. It kind of redefines "till death do us part".
With abusive men, the abuse never really ends. It just changes faces. And you can be strong, and smile around your friends, and pretend that it is all OK. But it isn't. You're just kind of waiting for something to end the misery.
And last week a friend called me a "survivor of domestic violence". Funny term. I mean, I didn't "survive" anything. I'm still kind of attempting to survive. And here is the other funny thing. When you climb that scary mountain and get to the top, and reach that point where you think it is all over, you realize two things:
I feel like my network has watched this so many times over, that history keeps repeating itself. I wonder where the justice is, and yet I feel like an ingrate for wondering, because really I have received so much to be thankful for, and truthfully, I have no right to complain. God has been too kind to me already, and I have no right to question the difficult times. I have, after all been blessed with more than my share. I guess it's only fitting that I endure some hardships as well. I want to say 'why me', but really, why not me?
I guess the best summary is that I feel like I'm in a bit of a confused state. I mean, who wouldn't? I'm tired, ragged, and need a break. I am, after all, the good parent. I'm the one who supports my kids, loves them, hugs them, tries to keep them safe.
The other day, my daughter was complaining that life was so hard. Why does she have to come from a divorced home? Why couldn't she have a normal life or at least a normal father. And then here is the kicker...my son replies "we have a mother that is better than most mothers in the world. She more than makes up for dad. Be happy with what we have".
Have I mentioned that I adore my kids?
I think that is what keeps me going. My love for my children. I adore them. I'm glad they are a part of my life. I will fight tooth and nail for them. But I am also getting tired. And I feel sometimes like I am going to die fighting this fight, like this will never end. That it will haunt me for life.
He is, ever all, bipolar, and this is the nature of the beast. He will forever go through his cycles, and I am forever condemned to ride the waves with him. As long as the children are children. And when their innocence is over, the waves might stop.
Then again...who knows, maybe these waves won't ever stop. Ironic that I thought a divorce would end the pain. It didn't end it, just lessened it, and gave it a new face. A few days ago, I was lying in bed and realized the scary reality...this is NEVER going to end. He's going to haunt me until the day I die. Until death do us part. Because there is a part of him that is pure evil and wants to get even with me. There is a clinically psychotic side that will not ever let me breathe. Even when he remarries, he will focus on revenge. It kind of redefines "till death do us part".
With abusive men, the abuse never really ends. It just changes faces. And you can be strong, and smile around your friends, and pretend that it is all OK. But it isn't. You're just kind of waiting for something to end the misery.
And last week a friend called me a "survivor of domestic violence". Funny term. I mean, I didn't "survive" anything. I'm still kind of attempting to survive. And here is the other funny thing. When you climb that scary mountain and get to the top, and reach that point where you think it is all over, you realize two things:
- You are all alone up there.
- You still have to make your way down again, and that is another lonely journey.
Getting to the top of the mountain was just half the journey. The other half is just beginning, and now you're tired, ragged, and alone. In some ways, the climb was the easy part.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
It's Been a Long Road...
And again, I haven't blogged in awhile. What I know for sure is that whatever doesn't kill you, will make you stronger.
And I am still alive.
So- I've been focused on this court fiasco. I cannot believe that he has the audacity to ask for joint custody after this long drawn out battle that just ended two years ago.
And then again....why should I be surprised?
So far, I have drafted my own court documents. The way I see it, I'm smart enough, and I've spent enough money. And mostly, I believe there is a God. No matter what faults I have, no matter what mistakes I've made in life, he has been here, supporting me, and almost cheering me on. Or at least that's how it feels.
That God cannot let a good mother lose. I just feel like there is something bigger, something more important that is meant to come from all this, and so I will go through the motions and see where the road takes me.
At the end of the day, I seriously doubt that any court will give 50/50 access and joint custody to a man who has abused the children many times.
The only drawback- he has requested for a children's lawyer. While this can only work in my favour, I still feel that it is an unnecessary thing to subject the children to. But I don't think I will have a choice in the matter.
And he has been coaching the children. He told my daughter to ask for one week on, one week off - basically one week with me, one week with him. When she told him no, he told her that she will either do it, or he can make a new child with his new wife and replace her. Yes, you read correctly. My daughter came home crying and had nightmares for two weeks. What a total complete jerk.
I told my daughter that she cannot let him bully her. At the end of the day, once the children's lawyer finds out this happened (and I fully intend to tell them), this will only work against him.
I wonder what the purpose is of this round of court. Surely there is a purpose. I just don't know what it is. Time will tell.
I ran into a girlfriend the other day- she was shocked at my inability to focus, and the fact that I couldn't relax. Can you blame me?
But pre-occupied or not, I am doing my best to stay positive. And I just know that despite how stressful this is, and the fact that I feel so incredibly alone right now...I just know in my heart that in time, everything will be ok.
This too will pass.
And I am still alive.
So- I've been focused on this court fiasco. I cannot believe that he has the audacity to ask for joint custody after this long drawn out battle that just ended two years ago.
And then again....why should I be surprised?
So far, I have drafted my own court documents. The way I see it, I'm smart enough, and I've spent enough money. And mostly, I believe there is a God. No matter what faults I have, no matter what mistakes I've made in life, he has been here, supporting me, and almost cheering me on. Or at least that's how it feels.
That God cannot let a good mother lose. I just feel like there is something bigger, something more important that is meant to come from all this, and so I will go through the motions and see where the road takes me.
At the end of the day, I seriously doubt that any court will give 50/50 access and joint custody to a man who has abused the children many times.
The only drawback- he has requested for a children's lawyer. While this can only work in my favour, I still feel that it is an unnecessary thing to subject the children to. But I don't think I will have a choice in the matter.
And he has been coaching the children. He told my daughter to ask for one week on, one week off - basically one week with me, one week with him. When she told him no, he told her that she will either do it, or he can make a new child with his new wife and replace her. Yes, you read correctly. My daughter came home crying and had nightmares for two weeks. What a total complete jerk.
I told my daughter that she cannot let him bully her. At the end of the day, once the children's lawyer finds out this happened (and I fully intend to tell them), this will only work against him.
I wonder what the purpose is of this round of court. Surely there is a purpose. I just don't know what it is. Time will tell.
I ran into a girlfriend the other day- she was shocked at my inability to focus, and the fact that I couldn't relax. Can you blame me?
But pre-occupied or not, I am doing my best to stay positive. And I just know that despite how stressful this is, and the fact that I feel so incredibly alone right now...I just know in my heart that in time, everything will be ok.
This too will pass.
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